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dangry
Trad climber
tahoma, ca
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Jul 23, 2009 - 01:39pm PT
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what's the difference between a hippie and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 01:46pm PT
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Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What?" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.
Well, the hunter's pissed-off. "Humiliated by a bear!", he thinks to himself. "I'll teach that bastard". He runs to the local town, buys a 30:06, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. "I've got you now, bear", the hunter says to himself, and opens fire from behind the rock.
Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You just tried to kill me again, didn't you?". Says the bear. "Uh, no. No I didn't", lies the hunter. "Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your legs off" "OK! I did." "Alright", says the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Drop your pants and bend over" "No way!" "OK. Prepare to get your legs ripped off." "Alright! I'll do it, you bastard" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.
"I'll f*#king get the bastard this time", the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a bazooka. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.
Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You're not here for the hunting, are you?", says the bear.
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Trad climber
Up the 'Creek w/out a Prada
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Jul 23, 2009 - 01:56pm PT
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Alright, I think the quality of the jokes is getting a little too high here (myself not included, obviously). Here, let's get us back on track.
What does one call a midget with a large gold necklace?
Only the coolest key chain EVER!
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 03:09pm PT
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How do you get two trombone players to play in tune?
You shoot one.
John
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nutjob
climber
Berkeley, CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 04:22pm PT
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Sorry bonin', a little correction in order:
Okay, last one, 'cause frankly telling science jokes leaves me feeling guiltier than telling Michael Jackson jokes.
Two bears fall into the water at the same time: one in Montana and one in Alaska. Which one dissolves first?
Water molecules are non-polar, and so the Alaska (polar) bear would not dissolve !
I better come up with a good joke to restore my karma...
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nutjob
climber
Berkeley, CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 04:24pm PT
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Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: garbage truck!
Q: What is green, has 4 doors, and buzzes?
A: A 4-doored electric grape!
Q: How do you keep a moose from charging?
A: Take away it's credit cards!
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nutjob
climber
Berkeley, CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 04:26pm PT
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A string walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender points up at a sign which reads "no strings served here."
The string goes outside and roughs himself up, gets all twisted, and goes back inside. The bartender says, "hey aren't you that string I just refused to serve?"
The string replied: "I'm a frayed knot."
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 04:54pm PT
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That last one's new to me, nutjob -- and I'm still laughing. Thanks.
John
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:00pm PT
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Q: How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
A: Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:02pm PT
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(For JE)
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK, see that big mountain over there?" "Yes", answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
(Eleven out of seven economists agree on the cause of the recession.)
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:03pm PT
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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is really pissed off. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah?" She grabs his hands, which are covered with white powder, and screams, "You liar! You went climbing again!!!"
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:04pm PT
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So this mountain guide bites it in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sins he goes to hell. As he is rappelling down through hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide whom he knows that also just cashed in his bingo chips. However he is in the arms of this gorgeous naked babe. He turns to the Devil and asks "What's up with this, how come this scumbag has this beautiful woman in his arms." The Devil turns to him and says "Never you mind, that woman's punishment is my concern".
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Trad climber
Up the 'Creek w/out a Prada
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:05pm PT
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Your karma's fine, nutjob. Not so sure about your facts, though ;^)
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:06pm PT
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Three guides die and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first German guide, "What is Easter?" The guide replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the French guide the same question, "What is Easter?" The French guide replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second guide, shakes his head in disgust,tells him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the Canadian guide. He asks, "What is Easter?" The Canadian guide smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third guide continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
(All shamelessly borrowed from http://walkhigh.co.uk/acatalog/Jokes.html);
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:08pm PT
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Q: What do ski guides and surgeons have in common?
A: They both bury their mistakes.
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:08pm PT
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Q: How do you know that Jesus was a rock guide?
A: Well it could be the long hair, beard, hangs out with the same three single guys, always wears the same clothes, no girlfriend, is a carpenter in the off season and has scabs on the back of his hands.
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Shouldah
climber
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:12pm PT
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what do you call a guy from pakistan who has seen everything and done everything?
Bin Dare Dondat
*extra points if you can name the movie
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Jul 23, 2009 - 05:36pm PT
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MH,
I just shared your joke with the office. Smiles all around. Thanks!
If you lined all the economists in the world end-to-end, they'd still be pointing in different directions.
John
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