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Blakey
Trad climber
Sierra Vista
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Things must feel appalling right now, but you must want to give life a chance or you wouldn't have posted here.
Folks on ST can help only so much, are those who love you, your friends and companions there aware of your feelings, or have you been keeping it quiet? They may be oblivious to your turmoil. Let them help.....
And do get some support from professionals. You can work your way through this, really.
Hang in there, look after yourself.
Steve
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kk1982
Trad climber
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First, I don't know you personally but I commend you for reaching out to us. It's a good first step. My little sister killed herself without telling a living soul she was even struggling; this is/was the single worst event in my life and the rest of my family. Sounds like you're walking through Hell right now>>>> KEEP WALKING
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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I'm not Not simpatico
I'm not Not sympathetic
I'm not going to coddle you
I want to be cool but
Do you have a reading comprehension problem?
If you spent the time it took to post reading the reports on here,
you might kick what's eating you.
http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/2849198/Looking-for-help
There are more, all as filled with pathos and support.
At least 7 or more death notices in the 1st few pages .
I'm not going to link them
Read every one. Of those. Go to the first post of The Flames thread.
From there go back and read the links there.
I was very tempted to, Only post the links to all the Tragedies.
I'm not sure you would have understood
Given that you. . .
have. . . . A Learning curve, a history?
that makes it understood,
your flip of the switch
Pushing buttons ones been told not to touch.
( killing thoughts as practice for a grand act? What a waste)
Your id, your ego, needs HELP?
Yes! that seems the universally agreed point.
Get Professional help, certified by successful treatment of . . .
That is what your cry for help yells at me.
As for couching this in sweet leaves? Not effin way!
Buck the fuk up! Harden th buck up.
We all walk on, and take the lows with hopes that there will be some highs
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Delhi Dog
climber
Good Question...
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Sorry you're struggling Avery.
This ST group is rooting for you. Take the advice...keep walking and seek help that is closer and accessible to you! Do it now, don't wait.
We all need help at times. Sounds like it's your turn.
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Patrick,
If life seems like it's only a source of pain,
try to refocus on things you enjoy, and reconnect with people who love you.
If you suffer from depression, find a good therapist.
There are also often effective drugs, and it may take time to find one that works for you, so get started if you haven't already.
If you are not sure if you have depression, get a diagnosis.
If you are hurting, it's normal to consider a wide range of options to solve the problem.
Please get some help in finding better options than suicide - you have many years left to do good things!
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Yes, seek professional help ASAP. You can't do it yourself. And you can and will get better.
Ditto that.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Patrick,
Our correspondences on researching some of Tobin's climbing photos and local climbing history there have been a bright spot for each of us. Your work as a climbing historian is also. You have so many positive contributions yet to make.
Hang in there, friend. There are nothing but sage words here to be read by all. I particularly like the idea making lists of positive things yet to be in our lives, we can always find them if we try. Negatives have outweighed every survivor at one point or another. Our scars (inside and out) become the roadside memories of our lives. Do not linger at the treacherous ones. Ask for good orderly direction.
-Tim
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Avery
Go see a professional. NOW!
I've been where you are, and it helps. It may not
be immediate, but they can do wonders.
If you want to talk further, pm me and I'd be glad to
share with you.
Hang in there.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Avery,
Hugs and hope the hurt lessens for you.
Jon
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michae1
Gym climber
san jose
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there is beauty all around us , sometimes pain in its many forms does not allow us to see
but it is there , sometimes in the littlest of things a sweet memory, a quick look at those who are around us, let not the regrets of the past rob you of a future no matter how long or short
the sunrise of a new day brings with it a new chance
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Hey, Aves, it's clear that we love you and I'm sure there are plenty in Kiwiland who do, too. You just need to talk to people to see how much you're valued. Hang around and post up some more of your fabulous threads, mate!
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fear
Ice climber
hartford, ct
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The good news is you realized something isn't right in your head....
Tiny little amounts of chemicals out of balance can cause us to do crazy things. They can also be fixed. But realize it can pass and will.
Call any local counseling service you can find and say exactly what you posted.
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PAUL SOUZA
Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
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Instead of imagining how "others" would feel, try imagining the depth of the OP's despair. It's easy to say "things will get better" or "people love you", but if you haven't been in that kind of dark place in your lives, you can't really imagine where the OP is at.
Life is shitty and f*#ked up at times. The hard part is trying to figure out how to rearrange our lives and the people in our world to bring us the most joy and happiness. The worst part is feeling that we are alone while we have so many people around us.
As others have said, find a good therapist. It will pay dividends as it has for me and I've seen one for years. It's not magic, but a long journey. Don't see a psychiatrist just yet. Most work from a "medical model" and not all are therapists. The thought processes that fuel your despair are what need to be changed. Call a suicide hotline as they will be your best bet to connect you to local resources.
Good luck. We're all rooting for you. :)
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, A sailboat, or some time zone
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I'm not in any way a professional and don't know how to give the right kind of help but others have responsibily chimed in with thoughts.
I'm in your corner. I want you to be here. On this earth.
Susan
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LAhiker
Social climber
Los Angeles
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Avery,
I'm sorry that you're hurting. Please hang in there.
As others have said, please seek professional help -- a therapist, and possibly a psychiatrist. (Better living through chemistry!) If one therapist doesn't help, try another.
If at some point you're tempted to do the deed, please call a suicide hotline such as 0800 543 354.
Here's a link with other New Zealand helplines:
https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/in-crisis/helplines/
An mentor of mine once said that sometimes it's all he can do to get through the day. When you feel bad, I hope you'll concentrate on getting through the day.
Please be gentle to yourself. Even the parts of you that want to turn on you probably arise from some place of concern. Try to listen to those voices with compassion, but know that their negativity comes from emotions such as worry or fear or disappointment rather than reflecting some truth about the world. Things will get better, or you will come to see the hard parts in a different way. Take care.
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Flip Flop
climber
Earth Planet, Universe
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Give fewer f*#ks.
Eat popcorn
Watch the carnage all around
It's a clown show
A demolition derby
Get an exclamation point tattoo
On your dong.
Offing yourself
Is awfully polite.
F*#k polite.
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pud
climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
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You are reaching out.
A part of you wants to stay here. Nurture that part by doing.
Staying busy is an important way to combat depression.
I'm not suggesting you are depressed, but passing on ideas, if in fact you are.
I don't think one has to necessarily be depressed to have suicidal thoughts.
Suicidal thoughts can be a pressure relief valve. It is a method of coping.
Direct yourself towards the things that have brought you joy in the past.
Focus on the things you have cared for.
The joy and love you have given others is still there. Call a friend.
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couchmaster
climber
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Avery, thank you for reaching out. You matter man, you matter. Please speak up to your close loved ones - anyone who talks about suicide or shows other warning signs needs immediate help—the sooner the better. Talking to a friend or family member about your suicidal thoughts and feelings can be extremely difficult for anyone, if you can't do that try giving them some long hugs, and please dial any of the phone numbers given out above. Remember too that the good things you love, bright sunshine and pretty flowers, will be here tomorrow when these dark clouds pass you by. Hang in there.
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WBraun
climber
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He hasn't said one word since his original post ......
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John M
climber
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Hey Avery..
Well, I'm not sure how to approach this. The last time we tried to talk away from the forum didn't go so well, so I'm not sure if you even want to hear from me. but on the off chance that some of this will help you, I would like to give it a go. Because even if we butt heads, I would still want to help.
So here goes.
First off.. I agree with everyone who says get professional help. The reason for that advice is because the issues of feeling suicidal are serious and the consequences of not getting treatment can be permanent. We have just had an example of that with the young man Tanner, who recently killed himself. He is gone and now his family and friends are hurting. I won't go deeply into the tangent of how that will also affect you, but I will say this, that I agree with the person who talked about reincarnation. I believe in reincarnation. So I believe that killing yourself will not really help you. It will be a temporary relief of a longer term problem.
But whether you believe in reincarnation or not, you still have an issue that you are dealing with now, and based on my experience, it can be complicated, and thus requires professional help. If I remember correctly, you have gotten professional help in the past. And since you still have issues, then you probably have lost some faith in its effectiveness. Here is the thing. Depending on how entrenched your issues are, it can take more then one kind of therapy to really attain any kind of long lasting peace. I have been working on my issues for 40+ years and its only been recently that things have finally seemed to be coming together.
I do not say this to discourage you. 40+ years doesn't mean that all of those years were hell. They weren't. I had many many great experiences that I would have missed if I had killed myself in my teens when I first started seriously dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. And though some days I despair, and many days I wanted to chuck it all, I am grateful that I didn't, because there have been some awesome things that I have been able to experience, such as meeting some incredible people, that I wouldn't have had if I had killed myself all those years ago. And today I can say that even though I still occasionally get morose, I now rarely feel suicidal and often instead feel peace. So that is a blessing. And the added blessing is that I haven't killed myself and so haven't subjected my friends and family to that devastation. And even though during some of the early years of my dealing with this I didn't believe my family would be hurt by my killing myself, as I have learned to love myself, I have come to see that my family does love me, though they may not be very good at expressing it, and that it would have devastated my parents if I had killed myself. So I am very grateful that I have been able to persevere through this. And perseverance is the right word, because that is what it has taken. A whole lot of perseverance.
As for you, there is no way without knowing you in person and getting to know you a whole lot better, that I or anyone could discern just how much perseverance it will take for you to find full and complete relief, because without knowing you more fully, one can't know just how deeply entrenched your issues are, or how intertwined they are with your identity and so how much work will be required to disengage and find your True Self. For that is in my belief, where True Peace exists. In finding your True Self. And though it can be a difficult journey, it is a worthwhile goal. No great mountain was climbed without some level of difficulty. The journey of finding your True Self is worth it. And no one here can tell you just how far you have to go.
There are many here on this forum who have dealt with depression and feelings of suicide. Some did not make it. For each though that is making it, their answers vary widely because no one if the same, and thus what works for one, may not work for another. That is why there are so many different types of therapies, and so many different meds. You have to find what works for you.
My journey started with therapy. Then it moved on to meds. Coupled with intense workouts which usually involved long distance runs. At that time they were the only thing that could bring me even a modest amount of peace. Flood my body with endorphins through extreme physical effort. But that didn't last long as I also had problems with my physical health. And so my journey had to go inward even further. And thats when I found spirituality. And that is where I am now, and is the answer that I would offer you now. Yet I also know that if you are not ready for that, then there are steps you still have to take. And those are best done with a therapists who can guide you to what kinds of therapies you might need and even whether you should try meds. Meds did not work very well for me, though they did help me survive some brutal years. But others here will tell you that meds have and are working for them today. JohnE has shared his story here a few times. Meds work for him.
The thing is man. You have to start the journey. Reaching out is the start. Perseverance, an open mind, and a willingness to do the work is what will get you through.
Have you done the work recently? Have you done the things that you know help you? Such as getting outside, even though you don't feel like it? You live in a beautiful part of the world. Take advantage of that. Go to the mountains and get their good tidings. Then take that energy and go find professional help. And then keep us updated.
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