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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Little Johnny attended his first day of class as a proud 3rd Grader.
The teacher introduced herself as Miss Prussy, wrote her name on the blackboard, & then sternly added that any student who didn't remember her name would have to write it 500 times.
Little Johnny immediately thought:
Prussy? Prussy? ------ It's pussy with an r, I'll remember it that way!
All that day, that evening, & the next morning, Little Johnny kept repeating to himself, pussy with an r, pussy with an r.
After class started in the morning, Miss Prussy asked for a show of hands from students who remembered her name.
Little Johnny was so full of himself, he bounced to his feet & started waving both arms.
When called upon, he exclaimed:
"Of course I remember your name, it's Miss Crunt!"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 10, 2018 - 11:32am PT
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As an airplane spun out of control and headed toward the ground, there were found only three parachutes to divide between the four passengers, who were the pope, Stephan Curry, Donald Trump and a ten year old boy.
Stephan Curry Curry said, “I’m the idol of millions of kids and fans. They need me. I deserve a chute.” The others nodded and he jumped.
Donald Trump looked at the others and said, “I’m the most liked man and the most powerful leader in the world. Not to mention the smartest president ever. I should have a chute. What would the country and the world do without me?” And so Trump jumped, too.
This left the pope and the kid. The pope said to the schoolboy, “I am very old and I haven’t many years left, while you are young and have a whole life yet to live. Take the last parachute with my blessings.”
As the Holy Father began the sign of the cross, the schoolboy piped up, “That’s okay, Your Holiness. There is one left for you, too. The country’s smartest president grabbed my bookbag.”
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yosemite 5.9
climber
santa cruz
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Apr 10, 2018 - 07:05pm PT
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A man is driving down the road when he sees a car on the shoulder with a flat tire. As he slows down he sees a blonde digging a hole near the car. He pulls over and offers to change the tire for the lady.
She says" That would be swell of you. Thank you."
"But ma'am, uh, why are you digging a hole"?
To which she replies "Don't I have to bury the dead one"?
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Apr 10, 2018 - 07:25pm PT
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This one time at Prove-you're-not-Schwarprema-before-you-get-banned camp?
No sh#t - there I was in the cross-hairs of The Great and Powerful Cos!
I wasn't the only on the Group W bench in the "soon-to-be-banned Camp" (where they put you if you may not be moral enough to stay in the forum after committin' your Schwarprema-like post), and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking posters on the bench there. Trip reports from Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible passive-aggressive-posting-type guys sitting on the bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said,
"Kid, are you Schwarprema?"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
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George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and Bill Clinton were on the yellow brick road, going to see the Wizard of Oz.
When they got there, the Wizard of Oz said they could each have one wish.
"I want to have brains," said George W. POOF! He got some brains.
"I want to have a heart," said Dick Cheney. POOF! He had a heart.
"I want to have courage," said Colin Powell. POOF! He had courage.
Finally it was former President Bill Clinton's turn.
"Well, what do you want?" asked the Wizard.
Clinton thought a moment and asked, "Ummm... Is Dorothy around?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:48pm PT
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Cosmic! That manip is a piss-poor joke!
Please post a joke or don't.
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Mule Skinner
Social climber
Bishop
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:52pm PT
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What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 10, 2018 - 10:06pm PT
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?
The answer could get me banned.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 11, 2018 - 02:50am PT
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THE STATUES
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 12, 2018 - 06:07pm PT
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REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL... CHERRYBOMB
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 12, 2018 - 06:09pm PT
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COLLEGE PRIDE
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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Apr 13, 2018 - 10:22am PT
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 15, 2018 - 06:42am PT
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ORGANIC EXTERMINATORS
I'm trying to do my bit to save the planet. I called one of these organic exterminators. They advertise 'all natural, no harmful chemicals.' I got such a bad headache from that. All that stomping -- what a mess!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 15, 2018 - 06:44am PT
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WHO KNOCKED UP MY BEAR?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.''
''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 18, 2018 - 06:19am PT
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DANNY BEVINS: I'M NO MOUNTAIN CLIMBER
I just finished this book on climbing Mt. Everest. Now I'm no mountain climber, but I smoke and I live on the third floor, so I can kind of relate. Everest is a lot like laundry day.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 20, 2018 - 07:03am PT
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BRIAN KILEY: IDIOT TEACHER
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiot' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
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Wen
Trad climber
Bend, OR
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Apr 21, 2018 - 08:55pm PT
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From my 13-year old son:
Yo mama is so stupid concussions make her smarter.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 21, 2018 - 09:52pm PT
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So there I was, sitting around smoking cigarettes and popping the zits on my balls...
What, none of you guys have zits on your balls? Oh, uh, neither do I.
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
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Apr 22, 2018 - 06:45am PT
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Bad first lines to non-existent novels contest:
As Lewiston Creol plummeted down the sheer icy cliff, he pondered on the word plummet, but his pondering was interrupted by the surface of the water, at which point he ceased to plummet and began to plunge.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2017win.html
The small boat pitched violently upon the heaving bosom of the ocean, causing Johnson to reflect that, although he generally liked bosoms, he was getting really tired of the ocean's bosom, and wished that it would at least drop from a 44D to a 34B.
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.
Where to hide? was Ovinia's only thought as she raced madly across the field outside Aberdeen and up a grassy incline, frantically seeking escape from the man who was hell-bent on possessing her, on making her his and his alone, having succumbed to her beauty, drawn into near madness by the watery depths of her brown eyes and lured by the exotic perfume of lanolin and newly-mown hay which wafted from her thick coat as she grazed.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Apr 22, 2018 - 06:55am PT
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^ ^ ^ ^ Thats a fun thung , thnx for the Link . . ."U'LL Bhhe back"
The radio turned on, signaling the start to another day. All seemed normal, cool dark and undistigishable from the string of days just past. . .
I am no longer a 5.12 off the couch, rock Yo-Yo, but I play one on the
Torpor. . .
Torpor:
is a state of decreased physiological activity in an animal,
usually by a reduced body temperature and metabolic rate.
Torpor enables animals to survive periods of reduced food* availability.
(*for me, it helps to overcome the lack of giant red woods, soaring rock walls & tatsy budz from my own garden, I sure do miss ya NorCal)
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