Some of you are playing with fire. Google is a wonderful tool for finding jokes about any group you care to name. In other words, mutually assured destruction may be the result of some of the above 'jokes'.
At least I played by the rules, and provided a short joke.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Where you last left it.
What do you call a one-eyed, one legged, one armed person?
A guy walks into a Idaho gun store and asks to buy the biggest handgun in the store. The clerk says what do you plan to shoot? "Cans", says the customer. "Cans?" says the clerk. Yeah, you know - MexiCANs, AfriCANS, Puerto RiCANS.
Q:What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some as#@&%e wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No sh#t??? Who did she play for?"
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
A husband and wife were watching a dr phil show. The topic for the show was conflicting emotions. While his wife was clearly enthralled by the program, the husband couldn't get into it and finally said, "honey this is crap. All of this is. Give me one example that will make me happy and sad at the same time". He sat back with a smug look, satisfied he'd made his point.
His wife hought for a few seconds then answered, "you have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
~New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group~
~Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft~
~Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half~
~Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents~
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Keeping busy: Mets agree with Church, Pagan
"Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?"
"Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says"
"Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday"
"Sun or Rain Expected Today, Dark Tonight"
"Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops off "Significantly After Age 25"
"Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy"
"Circumcisions Cause Crybabies"
"Clinton Apologizes to Syphilis Victims"
"Student Excited Dad Got Head Job"
Three gals are sitting around talking about cosmetic procedures. The first says, "I'm thinking about getting a boob job." The second replies, "That's so yesterday... I'm thinking about getting my arsehole bleached." The third says, "Yeah, I'm not sure I can picture your husband as a blond."
The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch and the crowd cheered wildly!
"I have a family now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever."
"Now I have a sign on my car that says 'Baby on Board.' This sign is basically a threat. It just says I have a screaming baby, a nagging wife and I'm not afraid of dying anymore."
"Are you guys worried about the economy? I'm not, 'cause I grew up poor, you know. If I become poor again, I'll just feel young."
"My son is really cute now, but when he was first born, he was ugly. And I wasn't prepared for it, you know. I was looking at him at the delivery room and trying to remember some of my ugly relatives — and to decide exactly who passed the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, he was like, 'Wow, congratulations! He looks just like you!'"
"In order for me to become a U.S. citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they asked us questions like, 'Who is Benjamin Franklin?'
"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'
"'What's the 2nd Amendment?'
"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'
"'What is Roe vs. Wade?' I was like, 'Uh, two ways of coming to the United States?'"
OK, so it ain't very PC, or short, but this is ST so that makes it OK.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage Ã trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
Patient:"Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
"There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."Is everybody clear on that?
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . . .
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started . . .
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started . . .
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend . . . I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
And then the fight started . . .
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started . . .
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started . . .
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started . . .
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office . . .
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
And then the fight started . . .
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started . . .
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...
Why Indian women have that red dot on the forehead:
When they get married, as part of their dowry their husband gets to scratch off the red dot. If it says store then they get to move to the US and open up either a 7-11 or a dunkin donuts or dairy queen. If it says gas then they get to open up a chevron in the US. If there is nothing underneath then they have to come to the US and work as customer service reps for credit card companies.
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as#@&%e.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (for instance when the cars are coming toward you their lights are white and when headed away they are red)
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH#T!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre…and Claude was never invited back...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
So this guy comes home to his wife. He has a chicken under his arm. He says "Honey I want to show you the pig I've been f*#king. The wife looks shocked and says "That's not a pig." He responds "I wasn't talking to YOU"
Back in the mid-2000s, when the market for geologists sucked, one of my colleagues got tired of calling himself a consultant, so he applied for a job at McDonald's. The manager, a pimply 18-year-old, looked over my friend's resume and said, "Sorry, I can't use you." My friend said, "What? Aren't I the most overqualified person you've ever had apply for a job here?"
The kid replied, "No. All my geologists have Ph.D.s!"
Evan Bayh (D-Indiana): As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.
President Obama: I could tell that Evan’s panties had gotten all wee-weed up. I offered to have a dialogue with him and his panties. This country needs Evan Bayh, but he’s no good to us with his panties in a bunch. Believe me, Evan, if I could reach down in there and untwist them myself, I would, brother. Unfortunately, I’ve got my hands full with Michelle and Hillary.
What time does the two o'clock tour begin? Was this all man-made?
Short skirts tend to make men more polite. We all wait for them to get on the escalator first.
Don't trust guys with short legs: Their brains are too near their ass.
It takes zero radio astronomers to change a light bulb because they aren't interested in short wave stuff.
Even a short pencil is more reliable than the longest memory.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
Adolph, the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, could run as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop worth a sh#t.
Two mates, one a black Jamaican, the other a white Alabaman, are taking a friendly pee. The rastaman notices a W-Y tat on the redneck's thing and he says, "I got 'W-Y' on me peter, too, mon. Whatcha story?"
Elmer strokes himself to an erection so the cat can see that he has "Wendy" tattooed on himself.
"Don't tell me y'all know some bitch Wendy, too," he says.
"Noh, mon, it say, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day.'"
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
"Although I've never read a book all the way through, I'm sure excited to write one," Short joked in a statement. He added, "I haven’t named my book yet, but I’m toying with the title If I’d Saved, I Wouldn't Be Writing This."--Martin Short in an article, well, most of an online article, on the Splitsider comedy website
What do you call a dog with no legs (besides Shorty)?
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed..... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
A guy walks in to a bar and sets a car battery on the floor, and a set of jumper cables on the stool. He orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Ok, but I don't want you starting anything in here".
I like to mix it up with a couple of Jokes With Realistic Endings:
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken lacks reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken’s action was spurred by any particular motivation.
a travelling salesman knocks on a door and it is answered by a little girl wearing a bra and panties. She has a snifter of brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. Surprised, the salesman asks "Is your mommy or daddy home?" And the little girl says: 'What the fukc do you think?"
Take my wife... please.
Came back into town last week after a 2 week business trip. I pull into the driveway and 4 guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says "Get the Hell out of here, her husbands home".
"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher
At a train station in Wyoming a cowboy, an Indian and a Muslim get on train. The three all exchange some small talk and after a bit the cowboy pulls his Stetson over his eyes for a nap. The Indian looks out at the plains rolling past and says to the Muslim "We were once many but now we are few".
The Muslim smiling, replies, "We were once few but now we are many".
The cowboy raises the brim of his hat and states "We haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet".
A guy was sitting with his wife that was on her death bed. She says to him, honey, I need to tell you something. I slept with your brother, your father and your best friend. The husband says, I know honey, thats why I poisoned you.
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS 460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist
was there waiting for the service manager when the mechanic shouted
across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves
out , I repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything
back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that
I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
A guy makes a trip to China looking for relocation sites for his company to lower labor and production costs. Shortly after his return he comes down with a severe rash and immediately sees a physician. "The prognosis is not good." says the doctor, "it will have to be cut off". Horrified, he seeks a second opinion but gets the same diagnosis.
Desperate he decides to go to the source and sees a Chinese doctor. With a strong accent the Chinese doctor informs him "I have seen this before".
"Well, can you do anything?" "The other doctors said they would have to cut it off!"
"These American doctors, are always cut, cut, cut."
Elderly couple is sitting in a crowded church during a sermon when the elderly lady leans towards her husband and whispers "I just had a silent fart".
The elderly man leans away from his wife and says " change the battery in your hearing aid".
A woman asks a pharmacist for a poison.
"What is it for?"
"I need to kill my husband, he is cheating on me"
"Are crazy? I can't give it to you."
The woman then shows a picture of her husband kissing the pharmacist's wife.
"I see" says the pharmacist, "you have a prescription. Extra strength OK?"
I was in Mexico for a friends kid birthday... The magician said he was gonna make a bunny disappear, so he covers it with a handkerchief, waves his magic wand and counts, uno,dos and poof the bunny disappeared without a tres...
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness since the auto accident.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything.
Unfortunately your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.
You have $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.
You must decide how many inches you want and it's important that your wife plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
-H. L. Mencken
"A cynic is a man who sees things the way they really are."
On another note...
Two women in heaven are talking about how they died.
“I froze to death. It wasn’t so bad, once I stopped shivering I felt all warm and just slipped away.”
“I died of a heart attack. I knew my husband was having an affair. One day I came home early thinking that I’d catch him in the act. I tore the whole house apart looking for her and got so upset that I had a heart attack.”
“You should have looked in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Heard this live on a beach a couple of years ago. A guy to his really skinny legged friend:
Nice shorts! Must be from Italy, right?
I just figured since there's a couple of spaghettis sticking out down there.. =)
Donald Trump is given the ability to talk to past presidents for advice (presumably by whoever put the massive OT blue buttplug on the moon, but I digress).
He starts at the beginning - Washington. Washington tells him "never tell a lie - always be truthful". Jefferson tells him "Spread liberty everywhere. All men should live under conditions of maximal personal liberty." Lincoln tells him "Go to the theater."
Around the water cooler at a job site this utility worker says;
"So there's this guy. He's at work and his wife finds his little black book in the laundry...
She's looking at all of the names and phone numbers. There's about two pages of phone numbers, business contacts, friends, etc.
But on page three there's only a list of phone numbers with no names.
Like number one, then a phone number.
Number two, then a phone number. And so forth...all the way down for two more pages.
There's at least 80 or a hundred phone numbers with no names.
So she starts calling all these numbers...
And all these women start answering at the other end of the line.
The wife goes out and gets a little blue book.
And she fills it up cover to cover with the names and phone numbers of men that she gets out of the white pages.
Then she leaves it on the kitchen table under her coffee cup.
So this guy, the husband, he comes home from work.
Can't find his wife.
She doesn't answer her cel phone.
Couple hours go by he still can't reach her.
He sees the little blue book.
Flips through and starts calling numbers.
"I don't know any Maria" they all say when they answer.
"Yea right" he's thinking.
He storms through the house looking for some sign of her.
Her car's gone.
Her clothes and luggage... gone.
He looks in the little blue book again and flips to the last page and sees a question mark with a phone number.
He calls the number...
And gets the voicemail for their attorney."
Drove down to the pub to have a few with some friends. Ended up having a great time but got really smashed. As I was leaving the pub I thought, i'm in no shape to drive my car home. So I took a bus. I made it home OK ...which is amazing cause I've never driven a bus before.
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Donald was having trouble in school and his teacher was always frustrated with his behavior.
One day Donald's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and lazy boy.
Donald’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Suddenly her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went so terribly wrong.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Donald, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
Jesus, Muhammad, and the Buddha walk into a bar.
The bartender glances up and the goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up again, stares, goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up and stares for a long time.
Finally the bartender says, "OK guys, what's the punch line?".
3 guys are having lunch. A blond, a redhead, and a guy with black hair.
The guy with the black hair says, my wife is so stupid. She bought a whole side of beef but we are vegetarians and we don't even have a freezer.
Redhead says my wife is really stupid too. She just bought a convertible though she doesn't know how to drive and we don't have a garage.
Blond shakes his head and says you guys have it easy. My wife is so dumb she's going on a business trip to Mexico for a week and she bought a whole case of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!
Wow, that terrorist skits video is totally racist and inflammatory but I guess gets points for the no f*#ks given approach to comedy (I laughed and felt shame for doing so). It's groundbreaking in that it is the absolute dumbest idea I've seen people film themselves doing. I blame Ali G for paving the way to that level of stupid.
If they keep at it the BEST case scenario is someone will beat the living sh#t out of them before they end up in jail, shot, or actually hurt/kill someone by "accident".
What sound does a grand piano make if you drop it in a hole?
'A' 'Phlat' 'minor' . . .
~So; the wrong crowd~
This mornings gathering,for short ones' -//Hey I Resemble that remark,
a topic I'm intimately aware is fundamental to the text/mexed-up, fare served here
Doesn't belong here, in this thread of Short jokes, it has been a respite from you're, Jody,
Constant banter as if it made a difference. Our kind -the superior white middle-aged males'
Dominance is in decline.
politics? Religion ? Other things ? Short jokes?
Here is a riddle for you, what?
Barack Obama: "I've now been in 57 states? I think one left to go?"
Joy Behar on Economics: "Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?"
Rosie O'Donnell: "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."
Al Gore: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
Nancy Pelosi on the economy: "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs."
Bill Clinton on ordinary Americans: "African Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do."
Michael Moore on terrorism: "There is no terrorist threat. Yes, there have been horrific acts of terrorism and, yes, there will be acts of terrorism again. But that doesn't mean that there's some kind of massive terrorist threat."