I need some jokes - short ones.

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nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:18pm PT
A guy walks into a bar and on the bar is a pot of $100 bills....




D'oh! no wait... that one is far too long.


Beuhler?
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:21pm PT
I used to think I was indecisive, now I am not so sure.

Department of redundancy department!
the kid

Trad climber
fayetteville, wv
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:21pm PT
look
in
the
mirror




BHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

;)
nutjob

Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:22pm PT
A guy walks into a bar.
The second guy ducks.
matty

Trad climber
los arbor
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:30pm PT
What's wrong with a gay BBQ?

The hot dogs taste like sh#t.
Derek

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:37pm PT
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The doctor takes one look at him, and says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
apogee

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:40pm PT
Does the world smell different to short people?
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:46pm PT
the looking in the mirror joke doesn't make me laugh.

Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:49pm PT
If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:50pm PT
yuh ever bin ta Utaaahhhhrr?
......pause for effect.......
Whyyy?

ah'm frum Utaaaahhhrrrr....
...pause...
whurr the men 're men......an' the sheep're all nervous


Credits to Utah Phillips (RIP)
pud

climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:56pm PT
Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet deep when they die?







'Cause deep down they're good people.
BurnRockBurn

climber
South of Black Rock City (CC,NV)
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:56pm PT
What do you have if you have a moth ball in each hand?














A BIG FUGGING MOTH
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:08pm PT

Yeah, but Anders, my jokes might dwarf yours!!!!!


hee hee hee
throwpie

Trad climber
Berkeley
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:16pm PT
A duck walked into a drugstore and said "give me a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill."
locker

Social climber
PopEYEville
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:20pm PT


A dude called Nature goes to make a cup of COFFEE...
















































WARNING!!!...















































MAY contain FECAL MATTER...




;-)







MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:23pm PT
How about the near-deaf genie who gave the guy a million ducks and a 12-inch pianist?
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:31pm PT
E - :-)

I finally got Anders' dwarf comment.
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:33pm PT
What do you call a fish with no eye?



Fsh.
nutjob

Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:38pm PT
I never knew it took a fish with no eye to make a baby. Maybe too obscure?
Silver

Big Wall climber
Nor Nev
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:23pm PT
Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a Carp?

Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one's a fish.

Your momma so fat that a fridge strapped to her side looks like a pager.

What do you have when you have 100 lawyers buried to their knees in concrete?

Not enough concrete.

noal elkins

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:27pm PT
Did you hear about the junkie that shot up marsala sauce? He ended up in a korma.
Prod

Trad climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:55pm PT
If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.

haha good one Anders.

I met a girl who was 2'11", Yeah I was nuts over that one.

What did the doe say when she came out of the woods "that is the last time I do that for 10 bucks"

Why did the Ram fall off the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.

Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Do you want off color jokes as well?

Prod.
Ron Anderson

Trad climber
USA Carson city Nev.
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:57pm PT
whats the diff between a road killed snake, and a road killed lawyer??














skid marks in front of the snake....
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:00pm PT
Some of you are playing with fire. Google is a wonderful tool for finding jokes about any group you care to name. In other words, mutually assured destruction may be the result of some of the above 'jokes'.

At least I played by the rules, and provided a short joke.
Thorgon

Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
If you are at home and you are mowing, does that make you a homo?


Thor
Studly

Trad climber
WA
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:32pm PT
Got a match?

yeah, your breath and a buffalo fart.
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 07:25pm PT
I think I need to head over to Google and find some jokes about Canadians - especially the western type.
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 1, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
Why do you want jokes about Canadians? They won't understand them.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 07:27pm PT
The "Canada Day" thread provides quite a lot of Canadian jokes, and later maybe I'll add more.
Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:47pm PT
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Where you last left it.

What do you call a one-eyed, one legged, one armed person?
F*#ked.

A guy walks into a Idaho gun store and asks to buy the biggest handgun in the store. The clerk says what do you plan to shoot? "Cans", says the customer. "Cans?" says the clerk. Yeah, you know - MexiCANs, AfriCANS, Puerto RiCANS.





Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:54pm PT
What do you call a naked person doing asanas?
Yogi Bare of course.

What do you call a naked girl doing the down dog pose?
A good date.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:12pm PT
Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants :)
mark miller

Social climber
Reno
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:37pm PT
"An Irishman walks out of a bar............" No it really could happen.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:48pm PT
Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants
Hamster lover!
Mittens

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:17pm PT
How do you make a girl cum?
-Who cares?!
drljefe

climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:19pm PT
What's the difference between pink and purple?




































your grip.
ex-bouldergirl

Boulder climber
boulder, co
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:23pm PT
Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

le_bruce

climber
Oakland: what's not to love?
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:24pm PT
Q:What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

A:They vote.




Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

A: Philippe Philoppe


Shortish:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some as#@&%e wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No sh#t??? Who did she play for?"
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 10:27pm PT
ask and you shall receive.

maybe one day I'll relate why I asked.


So far my favorites:

1) deaf-genie
2) dude in plastic wrap
3) doe coming out of the woods.
matisse

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:53pm PT
So Twilight is like the world cup: they run around for hours, no one ever scores, and a billion fans tell you that you just don't understand.
Scared Silly

Trad climber
UT
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:38pm PT
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Go fuk yourselves


(Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=271gItFZFEw);
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:52pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:58pm PT
Ed is getting his yearly physical.
The doc goes "Ed, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Ed pauses...

"Really doc? Why is that?"

"Cause I'm trying to give you an eye exam..."
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 12:44am PT
"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow"

"Interrupting c--"

"MOOOO!!!!"
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Vancouver Canada
Jul 2, 2010 - 10:11am PT
Why do mice have such small balls ?




Only a few of them know how to dance....
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:35pm PT
After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"

Another pipes in, "I resent that!"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I am an as#@&%e."

What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?

A dead poodle, split in half.

mike bodine

climber
bishop, ca
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:54pm PT
what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?









full.
Pennsylenvy

Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:21pm PT
For Nature.......


Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????

















........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..
Evel

Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
Jul 2, 2010 - 03:38pm PT
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?



pick it up and blow it
JEleazarian

Trad climber
Fresno CA
Jul 2, 2010 - 04:55pm PT
How do you get two violists to play in tune?




Shoot one.


John
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:05pm PT
Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:28pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:33pm PT
"I got me one of them ant farms?

Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"


--Mitch Hedberg
Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:13am PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
































Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .
Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 11:28am PT
I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.


Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I had my coathangers spayed.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"

http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
socialclimber

Mountain climber
CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 01:57pm PT
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Neither, the rooster did, the chicken is still waiting...

Charles
Weenis

Trad climber
Tel Aviv
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:17pm PT
Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.

originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
Chicken and an egg are lying on a bed. The egg is sobbing, and the chicken is smoking a cigarette, Chicken says, "Well, that answers that question"
Chaz

Trad climber
greater Boss Angeles area
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:25pm PT
"Wnere do you think I got the twelve inch pianist?"
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:32pm PT
^^Dude - I already said that one! ^^

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Hey, buddy! Why the long face?"

Where does the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
socialclimber

Mountain climber
CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:56pm PT
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer...

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no fvcking eye deer...

And told by my four year old yesterday:
How do birds learn to fly?
They just wing it...

Charles
Brokedownclimber

Trad climber
Douglas, WY
Jul 3, 2010 - 08:10pm PT
Only 99% of the lawyers give all the rest a bad name.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 10, 2010 - 01:53am PT
I had to quit watching public television...












too much sax and violins.
T2

climber
Cardiff by the sea
Jul 11, 2010 - 04:03pm PT
What kind of bears have no teeth?






























































Gummie Bears
Jingy

Social climber
Nowhere
Jul 12, 2010 - 12:17am PT
brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see through blouse.

I wasn't kissing your daughter sir......... I was whispering in her mouth.


Women who can, do. Those that can't become feminists.


An open marriage is Nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.



What do I think of Volkswagons? I've been in bigger women.


The trick with a woman is to get rid of her while sge thinks she's getting rid of you.


Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands.


If it's wet dry it. If it's dry wet it. Congratulations, you are now a gynaecologist.


Outside every thin woman is a fat woman trying to get in.


The most difficult year of marriage is the one you are in.



nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2010 - 03:19pm PT
what does an as$hole and a 9 volt battery have in common?


















Both are shocking when you lick them.
Jeremy Ross

Gym climber
North Fork, CA
Jul 23, 2010 - 04:26pm PT
A husband and wife were watching a dr phil show. The topic for the show was conflicting emotions. While his wife was clearly enthralled by the program, the husband couldn't get into it and finally said, "honey this is crap. All of this is. Give me one example that will make me happy and sad at the same time". He sat back with a smug look, satisfied he'd made his point.
His wife hought for a few seconds then answered, "you have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
Timid TopRope

Social climber
Paradise, CA
Jul 23, 2010 - 04:53pm PT
Rodney Dangerfield,

When I was I kid we were so poor that if I didn't wake up with a hard on I had nothing to play with all day.
KP Ariza

climber
SCC
Jul 23, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
How do blondes like there eggs in the morning?


unfertilized
georgiegirl

Sport climber
Heaven
Jul 23, 2010 - 06:13pm PT
What do two climbers say to each other in bed?

condom?
-condom on.
f**king
-f**k on!
coming
-come on!
Ron Anderson

Trad climber
USA Carson city Nev.
Jul 23, 2010 - 06:53pm PT
why dont blondes wear mini skirts in Frisco??



their nuts show....
john hansen

climber
Jul 23, 2010 - 08:40pm PT
If you live in Arkansas,, whats the difference between a Divorce and a Tornado?





Not much... either way your gonna lose the trailer...
SCseagoat

Trad climber
Santa Cruz
Jul 24, 2010 - 12:39am PT
Gun control means using two hands.
drljefe

climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
Jul 24, 2010 - 01:24am PT
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South?




















Anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.
M. Volland

Trad climber
Grand Canyon
Jul 24, 2010 - 11:44am PT
I went climbing with a pirate once. But only once, because all he wanted to climb were, "RRR-rated pitches Mate."
rlf

Trad climber
Josh, CA
Jul 24, 2010 - 02:26pm PT
Why do little girls put fish in their pockets?
































So they can smell like big girls...
Brent Mattix

Trad climber
Roseville, CA
Jul 25, 2010 - 11:35am PT
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?








DAMN!
426

climber
Buzzard Point, TN
Jul 25, 2010 - 11:37am PT
What hold the moon in place?
















Beams
Salamanizer

Trad climber
The land of Fruits & Nuts!
Jul 26, 2010 - 01:09am PT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Uh??? EVERYWHERE!
Shack

Big Wall climber
Reno NV
Jul 26, 2010 - 04:22am PT
Why don't the Arabs have driver training and sex education on the same day?


























It's too hard on the camels.
Mtnmun

Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
Jul 26, 2010 - 11:30am PT
What is an Austrailian kiss?




Just like a French kiss only



























down unda!
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 26, 2010 - 09:58pm PT
Did'ja hear the one about the roof?

d'uh....nope

Good thing, it's over your head

(a 2 liner "short" joke)
tonesfrommars

Trad climber
California
Jul 26, 2010 - 10:31pm PT
why does snoop carry an umbrella




















for drizzle
d-know

Trad climber
electric lady land
Jul 26, 2010 - 10:42pm PT
what did
one tampon
say to another?

nuthin',
they were
both stuck
up c#&%s.





nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 27, 2010 - 12:16pm PT
GROSS!


and funny :-)
Friend

climber
Jul 27, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
a termite walks into a bar and says, is the bar tender here
Sitting Duck

Mountain climber
The Arctic
Jul 27, 2010 - 04:41pm PT
Hey, don't walk on the lawn!
I'm not walking, I'm coming!
JOEY.F

Social climber
sebastopol
Jul 27, 2010 - 06:41pm PT
There's a new resturant on the moon.
Great food, but no atmosphere.
eKat

Trad climber
http://www.ecokath.com/
Jul 27, 2010 - 06:47pm PT
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies?

































Snowballs.




HA!

eKat
KarlCBL

Trad climber
Santa Cruz
Jul 27, 2010 - 07:18pm PT
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?










Quarter pounder with cheese
ruppell

climber
Jul 27, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
What did the egg say to the boiling water??

It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid by a chick.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Aug 2, 2010 - 04:34pm PT
What are the two sexiest animals in the barnyard?








Brown chicken, brown cow!

(say it out loud)
Gene

Social climber
Aug 4, 2010 - 03:32pm PT
Just before Chelsea's wedding last Saturday...
Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom, so she asked Chelsea...
"Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea replied.... "Not according to Dad"
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jan 1, 2011 - 10:57pm PT
A sloth gets mugged by two turtles.

The police show up and ask the sloth to describe the assailants. The sloth says:

"I...don't...know, ...it...all...happened...so...fast..."

Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Jan 1, 2011 - 11:20pm PT
Short? You're so short that when you fart you get sand in your eyes.
Robb

Social climber
The other "Magic City on the Plains"
Jan 2, 2011 - 12:43am PT
I wanted to do stand up comedy, but I was afraid that everyone would just laugh at me.
H

Mountain climber
there and back again
Jan 2, 2011 - 04:03am PT
Whats the difference between a climbing guide and a ex-large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.

What do you call a climbing guide without a girl friend?
Homeless.

Whats the difference between a climbing guide and God?
God does not think he is a climbing guide.

This is probably the only ST topic with over 100 threads that does not have a drift off topic.
Wayno

Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
Jan 2, 2011 - 04:13am PT
Needledick the Bugf*#ker.
pud

climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:01pm PT
Credit: not me
charlie.elverson

Trad climber
St. Paul, MN
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:17pm PT
what has two legs and bleeds a lot?















HALF A CAT!!!
Hankster

Ice climber
Texas
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:36pm PT
Did you hear about the clownfight?

It was intents!


















BANG! that just happened...

Caylor






Tami

Social climber
Canada
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:39pm PT
Typin' of clown jokes...........



What did one cannibal say to the other when they were eating a clown?






This tastes funny.
Damn this looks high

Trad climber
Temecula, CA
Jan 3, 2011 - 05:45pm PT
What can a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
































Her ankles!
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Jan 3, 2011 - 06:50pm PT
A quick one liner for a good weather day...

"It's so nice out I think I'll leave it out."
dirt claud

Sport climber
san diego,ca
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:08pm PT

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Blissab

Trad climber
Westhampton, MA
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:25pm PT
Guy name San Andreas from the office takes a two week vacation in China.

While there, a major earthquake event takes place.

Upon being interviewed by a Chinese reporter, Mr. Andreas reponds...

"ITS NOT MY FAULT"
Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:37pm PT
This might be up-thread but I am lazy today...

An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor...
Friedo

Trad climber
South Lake Tahoe
Jan 20, 2011 - 03:24pm PT
Ever notice how a Raven never gets hit by a car?




That's because there's always another raven in a tree yelling "Kaaawwwweeer, Kaaaawwwweeeerrr!"
dirt claud

Sport climber
san diego,ca
Jan 20, 2011 - 06:16pm PT
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
matisse

climber
Jan 20, 2011 - 07:36pm PT
From my 8 year old nephew:
Q. why do squirrels do the backstroke?
A. to keep their nuts dry
mark miller

Social climber
Reno
Jan 20, 2011 - 07:59pm PT
"So this Irishman walks out of a bar.........No really it could happen".
Jebus H Bomz

climber
Jan 20, 2011 - 09:00pm PT
What's the difference between a savings bond and a climber?





Eventually the bond matures and starts to earn money.
Eubanks,D

Big Wall climber
Jan 20, 2011 - 09:17pm PT
Why do jewish people watch porn backwards?
















They like watching the prostitute give the money back!
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Fairfax, CA
Jan 20, 2011 - 09:27pm PT
What is the shortest distance between two jokes?

A straight line.
Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Jan 22, 2011 - 06:58pm PT
Credit: Ihateplastic
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Feb 2, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
Some actual headlines:

~Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted~

~Miners Refuse To Work After Death~

~Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant~

~War Dims Hope for Peace~

~If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile~

~Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures~

~Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide~

~Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge~

~New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group~

~Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft~

~Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half~

~Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents~


"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Keeping busy: Mets agree with Church, Pagan
"Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?"
"Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says"
"Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday"
"Sun or Rain Expected Today, Dark Tonight"
"Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops off "Significantly After Age 25"
"Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy"
"Circumcisions Cause Crybabies"
"Clinton Apologizes to Syphilis Victims"
"Student Excited Dad Got Head Job"

http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/13177/News++Weather/Funny+and+Stupid+Headlines.aspx
KlimbingKafir

climber
Feb 2, 2011 - 01:17pm PT
What did Davy Crockett say to Daniel Boone at the Alamo?



















Where the f*#k did all these gardeners come from?!?!?
Ron Anderson

Trad climber
USA Carson city Nev.
Feb 2, 2011 - 02:12pm PT
whats the diffeence between road killed snakes, and road killed lawyers,



















skid marks in front of the snake....
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Feb 2, 2011 - 02:52pm PT
actual newspaper headlines:

British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close

Tomatoes come in Big, Little, and Medium Sizes

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows

Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

Bible Church's Focus Is On the Bible

Lawmakers to Consider Housing Felons in Jail

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Some Phone Psychics Provide Useless, Erroneous Information

Retirement Will Be Cheaper If You Spend Less

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Two Sisters United After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Anastasia

climber
hanging from a crimp and crying for my mama.
Feb 2, 2011 - 03:18pm PT
Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

The Doctor

Social climber
Da Bronx
Feb 3, 2011 - 03:39pm PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.

Heard both of these at work this week.
perswig

climber
Feb 3, 2011 - 04:12pm PT
(props to Matisse' nephew's squirrel/nut joke - I'm totally using that one)

What'd the leper say to the prostitute?







Keep the tip.

(sorry)
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:18pm PT
What's the secret to blond humor timing.
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:30pm PT
I'll tell my all time favorite if you guys can handle it.

Some of you who know me, may know this one.

Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:37pm PT
tom woods: Ok! I'll beg for the punch line---please.
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:41pm PT
Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?






It made him mean.
Hankster

Social climber
Texas/Boulder
Feb 3, 2011 - 11:17pm PT
Q. How is an epileptic oyster shucker different from a hooker with dysentary?



A. He gets the fits when he shucks.


and now a clean one...


Q. What is brown and sticky?









A. A stick



Jokes courtesy of Hankster's wife, punkin!




Gordon

Trad climber
South Florida
Feb 4, 2011 - 12:58am PT
A guy walks into the doctor's office with a carrot shoved up his nose.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I know what's wrong with you... You're not eating right."
Gordon

Trad climber
South Florida
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:04am PT
Three gals are sitting around talking about cosmetic procedures. The first says, "I'm thinking about getting a boob job." The second replies, "That's so yesterday... I'm thinking about getting my arsehole bleached." The third says, "Yeah, I'm not sure I can picture your husband as a blond."
locker

Social climber
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:09am PT


So I'm taking a crap and let one float and oddly it looks just like YOU...

So I say to YOU...

"All I can see is CRAP"...

and YOU say back to me...

"ALL I can see is an ASSHOLE"...

Tami

Social climber
Canada
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:10am PT
Diffrince between a chorus line and a magician ?


The magician has many cunning stunts.



Sorry if that's arrrrrreaddddy posted. I normally draw whutteye think is funny. I suck at stand up c'os when I stand up it's not very tall.

Nyuk.

Signed : Herself a Short Joke.
shipoopoi

Big Wall climber
oakland
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:18am PT
what do the unabomber and a girl from kentucky have in common? they both have been fingered by their brother.

what is the difference between a blonde and a 747? not everyon has been in a 747.

what do walruses and tupperware have in common? they both like a tight seal.

somebody stop me! ss
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 4, 2011 - 10:25am PT
I like the brown and sticky one, Hankster.

It's a high quality lame joke.
Studly

Trad climber
WA
Feb 4, 2011 - 10:28am PT
Tami, you're so short you play handball against the curb.
Do you know the only person that thinks your jokes are funny?
Me neither.
;)
Charlie B

Social climber
Santa Rosa, Ca
Feb 7, 2011 - 12:50am PT
What has 9 arms and sucks?


Def Leppard.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch covered in leaves?

Russel

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?


Bob
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 3, 2011 - 08:01pm PT
The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch and the crowd cheered wildly!



Don't you just love happy endings?
jfailing

Trad climber
Terrible Taft
Mar 3, 2011 - 09:13pm PT
Knock-knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.
Sparky

Trad climber
vagabon movin on
Mar 15, 2011 - 06:29pm PT
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a
seven-hundred-ten?'


She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one..'


She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had
always been there.


The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like.


She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this
car?'


She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

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710
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Credit: Sparky
Barbarian

Trad climber
The great white north, eh?
Mar 15, 2011 - 06:44pm PT
Tea-Partiers in Congress
hairyapeman

Mountain climber
CA
Mar 15, 2011 - 07:27pm PT
A termite walks into a bar and ask's where's the bar tender?
nevahpopsoff

Boulder climber
the woods
Mar 15, 2011 - 07:46pm PT
what do you call a boomarang that doesn't come back?


a stick.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 8, 2011 - 11:27am PT
An article in today's LA Times about Joe Wong:

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-joe-wong-20110708,0,7821604.story

He's pretty funny:

"I have a family now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever."

"Now I have a sign on my car that says 'Baby on Board.' This sign is basically a threat. It just says I have a screaming baby, a nagging wife and I'm not afraid of dying anymore."

"Are you guys worried about the economy? I'm not, 'cause I grew up poor, you know. If I become poor again, I'll just feel young."

"My son is really cute now, but when he was first born, he was ugly. And I wasn't prepared for it, you know. I was looking at him at the delivery room and trying to remember some of my ugly relatives and to decide exactly who passed the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, he was like, 'Wow, congratulations! He looks just like you!'"

...........................

"In order for me to become a U.S. citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they asked us questions like, 'Who is Benjamin Franklin?'

"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'

"'What's the 2nd Amendment?'

"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'

....................

"'What is Roe vs. Wade?' I was like, 'Uh, two ways of coming to the United States?'"


Copyright 2011, Los Angeles Times
Bob Gerber

climber
The Climbing Ethics Enforcement Bureau
Jul 8, 2011 - 11:37am PT
How about piton Ron he is a joke and a short one too!
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 8, 2011 - 12:19pm PT
Damn you, reilly! I was just going to post that Roe v. Wade joke!
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Jul 11, 2011 - 12:02pm PT


http://www.gocomics.com/getfuzzy/2011/07/10
stich

Trad climber
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jul 11, 2011 - 01:57pm PT
From Blackbird's friend:


Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.
dirtbag

climber
Jul 11, 2011 - 02:00pm PT
Did you hear about the depressed tugboat?

His mother was an oar, his father was a fairy, and he didn't have a dinghy.
g-tech

Trad climber
Oakland!
Jul 11, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
...
Watusi

Social climber
Newport, OR
Jul 11, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
This baby seal walks into a club...
Dick_Lugar

Trad climber
Soon-to-be-a Greenie!!!
Jul 11, 2011 - 09:34pm PT
Pretentious? Moi?
JOEY.F

Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
Jul 14, 2011 - 06:20pm PT
Credit: somewhere on the interwebs
Anastasia

climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
Jul 14, 2011 - 06:26pm PT
Joey, I love that letter... Oh my...
AFS
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
OK, so it ain't very PC, or short, but this is ST so that makes it OK.


On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

* Two French men and one French woman.

* Two German men and one German woman.

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

* Two British men and one British woman.

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

* Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a mnage trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.


* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.


* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

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* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Gene

climber
Jul 15, 2011 - 01:15pm PT
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

1
2
3
4
5

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
The user formerly known as stzzo

Social climber
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:40pm PT
Penguin takes his car in for repairs.

While he's waiting, he goes out for an ice cream cone.

When he comes back to pick it up and pay, the mechanic says "So, looks like you blew a seal."

Penguin covers his mouth and exclaims "No, no! It's ice cream!"
EdBannister

Mountain climber
13,000 feet
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:51pm PT
the guy who did one of the toughest, ballsiest climbs in the meadows last summer,
put up Loose Lady and rated it 10b.
Brandon-

climber
The Granite State.
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:55pm PT
A guy walks into a bar and sees a pirate there with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The guy asks, 'Why is that wheel there?'

Pirate says, 'AAARRRGGGG, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!'
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient:"Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:58pm PT
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
nature

climber
2006 Toyota Tacoma Wherever US, 00000
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2011 - 02:34am PT
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra....
Pate

Trad climber
Jul 22, 2011 - 10:12am PT
could be the funniest joke ever.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck
jfailing

Trad climber
Lone Pine
Jul 22, 2011 - 10:23am PT
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?





A: Tell her to get some help - she's probably being domestically abused.



Q: What do you call a bunch of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?





A: A terrible boating accident.
Gene

climber
Oct 25, 2011 - 11:19am PT
Ripped off from a NYT article:

We dont serve faster-than-light neutrinos here, said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Nov 18, 2011 - 09:58am PT
a not so short joke...

"There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
nature

climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
Topic Author's Reply - Nov 29, 2011 - 01:49pm PT
Why does a Mermaid wear Sea Shells?












Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Nov 29, 2011 - 01:55pm PT
What's the definition of Making Love?













It's what your girlfriend is doing while you're f*#king her.
d-know

Trad climber
electric lady land
Nov 29, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
why do
girls wear
make-up &
perfume?

because they're
ugly
and they
stink.



a catholic priest
and a rabbi sitting
at a park on a bench
when a boy walks by.....

priest: "should we screw him?"
rabbi: "out of what?"
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:40pm PT
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."Is everybody clear on that?
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:44pm PT
HOW TO START A FIGHT . . .


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . . .
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started . . .

__


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started . . .



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend . . . I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started . . .



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started . . .



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started . . .



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started . . .



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office . . .
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started . . .



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started . . .



Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:53pm PT
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas. But I don't understand, they gave me a Rolex when I said "I wanna watch."
Jingy

climber
Somewhere out there
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones


My penis is a pretty short joke.

I mean.. Its has received laughs but very little applause
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:59pm PT
Hey Nature;
Don't look on this thread for short Jokes.

















































































The short joke is in your hand!

And then the FIGHT started!

:)
Inner City

Trad climber
East Bay
Dec 17, 2011 - 03:33pm PT
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "my gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks,"

The husband replies, "What does your dentist say?"
manzanita man

Social climber
somerset, ca.
Dec 17, 2011 - 03:43pm PT
an old married couple goes to their priest for advise.

the priest asks "what seems to be the problem".

old man replies "its sex, she wants it infrequently".

the priest thinks for a moment and asks






































is that 1 word or 2?"
Rankin

Social climber
Greensboro, North Carolina
Dec 17, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

































After you get done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.


:^0
Stewart Johnson

climber
lake forest
Dec 17, 2011 - 08:27pm PT
if you have 50 goverment workers and 50 lesbians, what do you have?




100 people that dont do dick.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 18, 2011 - 11:25am PT
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 18, 2011 - 12:10pm PT
how much does a pirate pay for earings?














a buck an ear!
fsck

climber
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:22pm PT
Pedophile walks into the forest with a little boy.
Boy says "Gee, mister. It's awful dark and scary out here."
Man replies, "How do you think I feel I have to walk back out by myself!"




rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:43pm PT
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?


Someone who comes and knocks on your door for no particular reason.
couchmaster

climber
pdx
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:49pm PT
Why Indian women have that red dot on the forehead:

When they get married, as part of their dowry their husband gets to scratch off the red dot. If it says store then they get to move to the US and open up either a 7-11 or a dunkin donuts or dairy queen. If it says gas then they get to open up a chevron in the US. If there is nothing underneath then they have to come to the US and work as customer service reps for credit card companies.
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:54pm PT
Did you hear that funny one about the Irishman who passed up a bar?
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:56pm PT
Signs on a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
An elderly couple are attending church services... About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.

Cashier: WOULD YOU LIKE A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

Flattered, I said "You're pulling my leg."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
perswig

climber
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:05pm PT
What's a Grecian urn?











Six or seven drachmas an hour.

Yep.
Dale
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You're obviously not listening."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:14pm PT
Did you know that "doggystyle" was invented in Canada? So both can watch hockey.

boomin

Ice climber
vermont
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:21pm PT
What do you get when you cross a person with dyslexia , a person with insomnia and an agnostic.



Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Gary

climber
That Long Black Cloud Is Coming Down
Dec 19, 2011 - 02:14pm PT
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
ME Climb

climber
Behind the Orange Curtain
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:02pm PT
How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a stairwell?

























None.....he tripped!
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
What do you call a climber with over 1000 girlfriends???












A sheepherder.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:12pm PT
Why do so many Polish names end with "SKI"








They can't spell Toboggan!
Licky

Mountain climber
California
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:26pm PT
A guy walks into a bar owned by two Jewish guys,

Hey...it could happen
Wretchedalan

Social climber
Wisconsin
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:28pm PT
What do you call a climber with a credit card?

married.

What do you call a climber with no girlfriend?

Homeless

modified drummer jokes actually.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

It took him 2 hours to get the bass player out/
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Dec 20, 2011 - 12:09am PT
Why do polish dogs all have bent noses?




From chasing parked cars.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Dec 20, 2011 - 12:11am PT
A blond is walking and comes to a river. She looks up and down the river, but can't see any way across.

On the other side of the river another blond is walking along the riverbank.

The first blond yells across to the second blond, "Yoohoo... how do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second blond pauses a moment and yells back, "You ARE on the other side."
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:21am PT
bwaa ahahahahahaaa....

that's a good one!
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:22am PT
a french fry walks into a hamburger joint and asks for a vegan burger with fries....
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Dec 28, 2011 - 08:52am PT
last year
last year
Credit: vo

a boulder freshman co-ed was having trouble making it across campus to get to her classes on time

she asked her dad for some cash to get a bicycle

when riding her new bike home from the bike shop she passed by a pet store and decided to stop in

she left the store with a cute monkey

a few weeks later clumps of hair started falling off her monkey

She texted her dad "The hair is failing off my monkey, what should I do?"

He replied "Sell the bicycle"
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 4, 2012 - 09:57pm PT
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as#@&%e.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (for instance when the cars are coming toward you their lights are white and when headed away they are red)
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 23, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
laces out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ev-PHSd6mxY
TheMaster

climber
Jan 24, 2012 - 12:02am PT
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!" So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
damo62

Social climber
Brisbane
Jan 24, 2012 - 12:06am PT
Hey TheMaster, jokes are supposed to be funny.
damo62

Social climber
Brisbane
Jan 24, 2012 - 12:08am PT
Like: Who invented copper wire?
.




...












..
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
socialclimber

Trad climber
CA
Jan 29, 2012 - 08:15pm PT
I was going to apologize for the inappropriate nature of the following joke, but given what "TheMaster" wrote above, this just doesn't seem all that bad:

Asian gays give each other bro-jobs...

Charles

BTW - Master, your joke indicates that you may be a prime example of too much alcohol in the test tube...
Randisi

Boulder climber
Dalian, Liaoning
Jan 29, 2012 - 08:16pm PT
Why couldn't the pony talk?

Because it was a little horse.
TheMaster

climber
Jan 29, 2012 - 08:23pm PT
Hey, wait a minute! Those Muslims were flipping me off, had burned American flags...what is NOT funny about people like that getting killed? What is inappropriate about that?
Hankster

Social climber
Zakynthos
Jan 29, 2012 - 08:47pm PT
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One says, "ribbit" and one says "rubbit"



Wacky, the Hot Wife
(too lazy to log out of Hanky's account)
The Larry

climber
Moab, UT
Jan 29, 2012 - 09:33pm PT
Did you guys hear about the little boy that was born without eye lids?

They ended up using his foreskin for a replacement.

The only problem was that he was a little cockeyed.

vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 30, 2012 - 06:02am PT
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jan 30, 2012 - 11:52am PT
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?

On the rocks


# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?

Leeks


# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?

Follow the Captain


# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew
where he was going ?

He replied "off course."



# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.

That's more than can be said for his ship.



# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises...

Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.


# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.


# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Jan 31, 2012 - 12:42am PT
A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood". The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "I'm having tea!"
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 31, 2012 - 01:08am PT
leave it to a cab driver....
The Warbler

climber
the edge of America
Jan 31, 2012 - 01:19am PT
A guy complains to his buddy:

The wife is always so damn crabby - she says it's because she's overweight. Any suggestions?

Just tell her to walk 5 miles a day for a week, he says, after that she'll be 35 miles away.
LuckyNeck

Trad climber
the basement of Lou's Tavern
Feb 25, 2012 - 11:54pm PT
Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?




You really have to hand it to her.
ec

climber
ca
Feb 26, 2012 - 01:29am PT
CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...

It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH#T!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centreand Claude was never invited back...
Mimi

climber
Mar 11, 2012 - 02:49pm PT
Not very short but good.

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
nature

climber
CO
Topic Author's Reply - May 7, 2012 - 10:21pm PT
So this guy comes home to his wife. He has a chicken under his arm. He says "Honey I want to show you the pig I've been f*#king. The wife looks shocked and says "That's not a pig." He responds "I wasn't talking to YOU"


HK - you should know the source of that one.
mike m

Trad climber
black hills
May 7, 2012 - 10:51pm PT
What's red and smells like blue paint?



Red paint.

Kendergarden humor via my daughter.
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired in Appalachia
May 7, 2012 - 11:17pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones.

Look in your shorts.
paganmonkeyboy

climber
mars...it's near nevada...
May 7, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
200+ posts - is this one here already ?


why can't a man ever keep a women happy ?


because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money...


(so much easier to tell without a head full of acid ;-) )
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
May 8, 2012 - 12:04am PT
How are freshmen at University of Washington and Washington State University similar?

They both applied to UW.
zBrown

Ice climber
Chula Vista, CA
May 8, 2012 - 12:04am PT
Well there are lots of name jokes

What do you call a guy in the swimming pool with no arms and legs? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting in your mailbox? Bill.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves? Russel.

you get it
....
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
May 8, 2012 - 01:02am PT
Back in the mid-2000s, when the market for geologists sucked, one of my colleagues got tired of calling himself a consultant, so he applied for a job at McDonald's. The manager, a pimply 18-year-old, looked over my friend's resume and said, "Sorry, I can't use you." My friend said, "What? Aren't I the most overqualified person you've ever had apply for a job here?"

The kid replied, "No. All my geologists have Ph.D.s!"
KP Ariza

climber
SCC
May 8, 2012 - 01:26am PT
How do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw!
krahmes

Social climber
Stumptown
May 8, 2012 - 01:53pm PT
I get no respect....




My wife thinks F#cking and Cooking....


are cities in China.
Reeotch

Trad climber
4 Corners Area
May 8, 2012 - 01:59pm PT
Yer mamma's so stupid, she taped a piece of paper the the TV and claimed to be watching pay-per-view . . .
Robb

Social climber
The other side of life
May 8, 2012 - 02:18pm PT
What did the man sitting next to a mirror say?


Nothing, he was beside himself!
Brandon-

climber
The Granite State.
Oct 11, 2012 - 08:30pm PT
Norwegian

Trad climber
Placerville, California
Oct 23, 2012 - 06:07am PT
there was once a norwegian man
who loved his wife so much,

he almost told her.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:13am PT
Short jokes. OK.

Evan Bayh (D-Indiana): As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. Theyre in a bind.

President Obama: I could tell that Evans panties had gotten all wee-weed up. I offered to have a dialogue with him and his panties. This country needs Evan Bayh, but hes no good to us with his panties in a bunch. Believe me, Evan, if I could reach down in there and untwist them myself, I would, brother. Unfortunately, Ive got my hands full with Michelle and Hillary.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:33am PT
From Duck Soup

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:36am PT
Irish bean soup always is made with no more than two hundred tirty-nine beans: One more bean and it would be two farty.

Older lizards, especially Colorado Nini lizards, can expect ereptile dysfunction at early onset.--Herpetology Today

Donini was even more crestfallen when he dropped the cap to his toothpaste off a ledge.

He solved his visiting relatives problem by borrowing money from the rich ones and lending it to the poor ones. Now none of them come over to visit.

He tells me that the difference between Colorado and yoghurt is that youghurt has more active cultures.

Forrest Gump went to Bama instead of Colorado. He liked the academic challenge.



"No joke."

I say "balls!"
http://blogs.denverpost.com/beer/2012/10/01/joke-wynkoop-brews-rocky-mountain-oyster-stout/6330/
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 11:19am PT
Stupid Ranger Questions

What time does the two o'clock tour begin? Was this all man-made?



Short Jokes

Short skirts tend to make men more polite. We all wait for them to get on the escalator first.

Don't trust guys with short legs: Their brains are too near their ass.

It takes zero radio astronomers to change a light bulb because they aren't interested in short wave stuff.

Even a short pencil is more reliable than the longest memory.



Brown Jokes

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman.

Adolph, the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, could run as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop worth a sh#t.



Tattoo Jokes

Two mates, one a black Jamaican, the other a white Alabaman, are taking a friendly pee. The rastaman notices a W-Y tat on the redneck's thing and he says, "I got 'W-Y' on me peter, too, mon. Whatcha story?"
Elmer strokes himself to an erection so the cat can see that he has "Wendy" tattooed on himself.
"Don't tell me y'all know some bitch Wendy, too," he says.
"Noh, mon, it say, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day.'"

Is this some kind of joke?
Is this some kind of joke?
A tat of "Tat."  They call him that for short.
A tat of "Tat." They call him that for short.
Credit: onlyonfantasyis.com
"Da plane!"
"Da plane!"
You Ding-Dong!
You Ding-Dong!

Elmer and Wendy? Have a Nice Day, Tacoo!
rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Dec 1, 2012 - 05:27pm PT
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f*#k up!"
Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Dec 1, 2012 - 05:45pm PT
Why do Brides wear white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 3, 2012 - 02:10pm PT
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

the photon says, "no thank, I'm traveling light".
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Dec 3, 2012 - 02:23pm PT
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
briham89

Big Wall climber
san jose, ca
Dec 3, 2012 - 02:25pm PT
So a guy bolts next to a crack...... I can't remember how this one ends
moosedrool

Trad climber
lost, far away from Poland
Dec 3, 2012 - 02:36pm PT
4"

:(
Enty

Trad climber
Dec 3, 2012 - 04:25pm PT
So after 10 years of dating and 12 years of marriage the wife has finally said yes to anal sex...........but what on earth is a strap-on?

E
moosedrool

Trad climber
lost, far away from Poland
Dec 3, 2012 - 09:03pm PT
Enty, I am afraid your prostate is going to be checked!

very funny
rwedgee

Ice climber
canyon country,CA
Dec 3, 2012 - 09:12pm PT
If one lesbian c*#k blocks another is it called a beaver dam ?
Edge

Trad climber
New Durham, NH
Dec 3, 2012 - 09:19pm PT
Because he was a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever broke wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
Rudder

Trad climber
Costa Mesa, CA
Dec 4, 2012 - 07:12pm PT
Two Peanuts were walking down the street, One was assaulted.

Sorry, lol, I just heard that on Pawn Stars. :)
Gene

climber
Dec 4, 2012 - 08:41pm PT
Not short, but not overly long.

The Pope is working at his desk when a senior Cardinal rushes in.

Holy Father. I have the most incredible good news and bad news for you. Which do you want first?

Give me the good news first, my son.

Holy Father. Jesus has returned. Hes holding on the phone to talk to you.

My son, what possible bad news could there be on a day like this?

Hes calling from Salt Lake City.

Plaidman

Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
Dec 4, 2012 - 08:50pm PT
There is a new drink out at the bars in New York.
It's called a Sandy. It's a watered down Manhattan!

I'll be here all week!
froodish

Social climber
Portland, Oregon
Dec 4, 2012 - 09:25pm PT
A baby harp seal walks into a club.
Jebus H Bomz

climber
Reno, Nuh VAAAA duh
Dec 4, 2012 - 09:37pm PT
Heh.^^^
bajaandy

climber
Escondido, CA
Dec 4, 2012 - 09:44pm PT
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll drink beer all day.
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Dec 5, 2012 - 02:18pm PT
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
TGT

Social climber
So Cal
Dec 5, 2012 - 08:25pm PT
Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:26pm PT
I was in bed with a blind girl the other night.

She said I had the biggest c*#k she had ever put her hands on.

I told her she was pulling my leg.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:42pm PT
Why was the squirrel doing the backstroke across the pond?

To keep his nuts dry!
weezy

climber
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:55pm PT
what does a nosey pepper do?

it gets jalapeo business.
Fish Finder

Social climber
THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
Mar 25, 2013 - 06:49pm PT



Her legs were like butter




















































































































































































They spread easy
Norwegian

Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
May 4, 2013 - 09:31pm PT
have you heard the one
about the rich man's widow?
she filled her dress with
stolen eggs!

the people of the town
a gathered 'round
to laugh her down.

when those eggs all broke
and ran down her leg.

manzanita man

Social climber
somerset, ca.
May 4, 2013 - 09:41pm PT
this old couple goes to a marriage councilor. she askes what the problem is. the old man says its sex. she wants it infrequently. the councilor askes.






















































is that 1 word or 2
goatboy smellz

climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
Jul 10, 2013 - 08:39pm PT
Why is your oven smoking?


























Because it just finished fvcking the dishwasher.

Trad is Rad

Trad climber
San Luis Obispo California
Jul 11, 2013 - 12:17am PT
What do you call a 16 year old girl that can run faster than her 10 brothers?
A virgin

Whats the worst part about blow up dolls?
They smell and you have to drain them every two weeks
hairyapeman

Trad climber
Fres-yes
Jul 11, 2013 - 01:54am PT
A termite walks into a bar and ask's "Where's the bar tender?"....
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 11, 2013 - 02:02am PT
manzanita man +1 LOL!

goatboy smellz too!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:15am PT
"Although I've never read a book all the way through, I'm sure excited to write one," Short joked in a statement. He added, "I havent named my book yet, but Im toying with the title If Id Saved, I Wouldn't Be Writing This."--Martin Short in an article, well, most of an online article, on the Splitsider comedy website


What do you call a dog with no legs (besides Shorty)?

It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Wherever you left him.
stich

Trad climber
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jul 11, 2013 - 08:55am PT
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?








Because the pee is silent.
tooth

Trad climber
B.C.
Jul 11, 2013 - 09:09am PT
A friend's mom actually told me this story from last week.

She was in Canada shopping for something for her son and daughter-in-law's baby shower.


She wanted something Canadian. Maybe one of those cute little canadian hats, but she couldn't pronounce toque.

She asked some guys who sent her to a pot shop. I guess she pronounced it toke!
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:40pm PT
Two lawyers are walking down a street when they see a very attractive lady walking on the other side.

The first lawyer says, "I think I would like to fvck her!"




The second replies, "Outta what?"
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:47pm PT
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He asks the Cardinal, "What's a four letter word for a woman that ends in u-n-t?"

The Cardinal says, "Aunt."

The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:13pm PT
What is the best time to visit the dentist?

Two-thirty.
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:15pm PT
Me. I am the biggest joke. I never meant that to be, but...
Magic Ed

Trad climber
Nuevo Leon, Mexico
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:17pm PT
Guy walks into a bar with a giant frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" The frog answers "New Jersey, there's millions of 'em"
goatboy smellz

climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:23pm PT
A lawyer, a doctor, and a statistician go out duck hunting one day.

Some ducks come flying by and the lawyer pops up and shoots, way right and misses.

The doctor takes aim and shoots, way left, misses.

The statistician pumps his fist in the air and said. "We got one!".
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:24pm PT
^^^^Good one!



Why do lawyers wear neckties?



Keeps their foreskin from popping out of their shirt.
WTF

climber
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:03pm PT
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed..... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'


Have a good friday
speelyei

Trad climber
Mohave County Arizona
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:11pm PT
A guy walks in to a bar and sets a car battery on the floor, and a set of jumper cables on the stool. He orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Ok, but I don't want you starting anything in here".
Braunini

Big Wall climber
cupertino
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:22am PT
I like to mix it up with a couple of Jokes With Realistic Endings:



A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.



A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"



A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.




Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken lacks reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chickens action was spurred by any particular motivation.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Mar 1, 2014 - 11:48am PT
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:27pm PT
Braunini's jokes suck.

Realistic ending?>

Braunini asks a large woman on Polk St., where is a good place to hang put and have a beer?
She replies, my place.
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Canada
Mar 1, 2014 - 01:14pm PT
Never high - five a rabbi.
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:39pm PT
A harp seal goes into a bar...

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender

"Anything but Canadian Club"
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:51pm PT
My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker....



Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
goatboy smellz

climber
लघिमा
Jul 23, 2014 - 09:21pm PT
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 23, 2014 - 10:04pm PT
Yeah, and the joke about the bed hasn't been made up yet.
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 24, 2014 - 10:22pm PT
The joke is in your hand.

(Written on the urinal wall, of course.)
deuce4

climber
Hobart, Australia
Jul 25, 2014 - 04:14am PT
Feeling a bit low on smarts the other day, i headed to the brain store.

Storekeeper told me, "i got lawyers brains for $5 an ounce, engineers brains for $25 an ounce, rocket scientists brains for $50 an ounce, and climbers brains for $1000 an ounce"

"$1000 for an ounce of climbers brain--why so expensive?" I asked.

Storekeeper said, "do you know how many climbers it takes to get an ounce of brains?!"
dirt claud

Social climber
san diego,ca
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:06am PT
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo Fook!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!
Braunini

Big Wall climber
cupertino
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:19am PT
And my jokes suck?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:32am PT
Position 68

You do me and I owe you one;)






Credit Stan H
JonA

Trad climber
Flagstaff, AZ
Aug 14, 2014 - 01:04pm PT
Guy sitting next to me on flight: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a door-to-door salesman
Guy: Really...what do you sell?
Me: Doors....it never works out
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