Discussion Topic |
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| Messages 1 - 1042 of total 1042 in this topic |
nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:18pm PT
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A guy walks into a bar and on the bar is a pot of $100 bills....
D'oh! no wait... that one is far too long.
Beuhler?
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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I used to think I was indecisive, now I am not so sure.
Department of redundancy department!
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the kid
Trad climber
fayetteville, wv
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look
in
the
mirror
BHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
;)
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nutjob
Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
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A guy walks into a bar.
The second guy ducks.
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matty
Trad climber
los arbor
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What's wrong with a gay BBQ?
The hot dogs taste like sh#t.
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Derek
climber
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A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The doctor takes one look at him, and says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
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apogee
climber
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Does the world smell different to short people?
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:46pm PT
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the looking in the mirror joke doesn't make me laugh.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.
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HighTraverse
Trad climber
Bay Area
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yuh ever bin ta Utaaahhhhrr?
......pause for effect.......
Whyyy?
ah'm frum Utaaaahhhrrrr....
...pause...
whurr the men 're men......an' the sheep're all nervous
Credits to Utah Phillips (RIP)
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pud
climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
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Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet deep when they die?
'Cause deep down they're good people.
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BurnRockBurn
climber
South of Black Rock City (CC,NV)
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What do you have if you have a moth ball in each hand?
A BIG FUGGING MOTH
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Yeah, but Anders, my jokes might dwarf yours!!!!!
hee hee hee
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throwpie
Trad climber
Berkeley
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A duck walked into a drugstore and said "give me a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill."
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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How about the near-deaf genie who gave the guy a million ducks and a 12-inch pianist?
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:31pm PT
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E - :-)
I finally got Anders' dwarf comment.
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:33pm PT
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
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nutjob
Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
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I never knew it took a fish with no eye to make a baby. Maybe too obscure?
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noal elkins
climber
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Did you hear about the junkie that shot up marsala sauce? He ended up in a korma.
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Prod
Trad climber
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If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.
haha good one Anders.
I met a girl who was 2'11", Yeah I was nuts over that one.
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods "that is the last time I do that for 10 bucks"
Why did the Ram fall off the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Do you want off color jokes as well?
Prod.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Some of you are playing with fire. Google is a wonderful tool for finding jokes about any group you care to name. In other words, mutually assured destruction may be the result of some of the above 'jokes'.
At least I played by the rules, and provided a short joke.
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Thorgon
Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
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If you are at home and you are mowing, does that make you a homo?
Thor
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Studly
Trad climber
WA
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Got a match?
yeah, your breath and a buffalo fart.
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 07:25pm PT
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I think I need to head over to Google and find some jokes about Canadians - especially the western type.
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HighTraverse
Trad climber
Bay Area
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Why do you want jokes about Canadians? They won't understand them.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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The "Canada Day" thread provides quite a lot of Canadian jokes, and later maybe I'll add more.
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Where do you find a one legged dog?
Where you last left it.
What do you call a one-eyed, one legged, one armed person?
F*#ked.
A guy walks into a Idaho gun store and asks to buy the biggest handgun in the store. The clerk says what do you plan to shoot? "Cans", says the customer. "Cans?" says the clerk. Yeah, you know - MexiCANs, AfriCANS, Puerto RiCANS.
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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What do you call a naked person doing asanas?
Yogi Bare of course.
What do you call a naked girl doing the down dog pose?
A good date.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants :)
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mark miller
Social climber
Reno
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"An Irishman walks out of a bar............" No it really could happen.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants Hamster lover!
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Mittens
climber
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How do you make a girl cum?
-Who cares?!
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drljefe
climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
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What's the difference between pink and purple?
your grip.
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ex-bouldergirl
Boulder climber
boulder, co
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Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland: what's not to love?
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Q:What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
A:They vote.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe
Shortish:
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some as#@&%e wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No sh#t??? Who did she play for?"
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 10:27pm PT
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ask and you shall receive.
maybe one day I'll relate why I asked.
So far my favorites:
1) deaf-genie
2) dude in plastic wrap
3) doe coming out of the woods.
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matisse
climber
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So Twilight is like the world cup: they run around for hours, no one ever scores, and a billion fans tell you that you just don't understand.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Ed is getting his yearly physical.
The doc goes "Ed, you're going to have to stop masturbating."
Ed pauses...
"Really doc? Why is that?"
"Cause I'm trying to give you an eye exam..."
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow"
"Interrupting c--"
"MOOOO!!!!"
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"
Another pipes in, "I resent that!"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I am an as#@&%e."
What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?
A dead poodle, split in half.
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mike bodine
climber
bishop, ca
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what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
full.
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Pennsylenvy
Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
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For Nature.......
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????
........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..
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Evel
Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
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how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
pick it up and blow it
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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How do you get two violists to play in tune?
Shoot one.
John
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.
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Gary
climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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"I got me one of them ant farms?
Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"
--Mitch Hedberg
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Reeotch
Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .
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Reeotch
Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
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The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
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Peter Haan
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I had my coathangers spayed.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"
http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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Chicken and an egg are lying on a bed. The egg is sobbing, and the chicken is smoking a cigarette, Chicken says, "Well, that answers that question"
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Chaz
Trad climber
greater Boss Angeles area
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"Wnere do you think I got the twelve inch pianist?"
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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^^Dude - I already said that one! ^^
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Hey, buddy! Why the long face?"
Where does the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Only 99% of the lawyers give all the rest a bad name.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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Jul 10, 2010 - 01:53am PT
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I had to quit watching public television...
too much sax and violins.
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T2
climber
Cardiff by the sea
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Jul 11, 2010 - 04:03pm PT
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What kind of bears have no teeth?
Gummie Bears
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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Jul 12, 2010 - 12:17am PT
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brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see through blouse.
I wasn't kissing your daughter sir......... I was whispering in her mouth.
Women who can, do. Those that can't become feminists.
An open marriage is Nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
What do I think of Volkswagons? I've been in bigger women.
The trick with a woman is to get rid of her while sge thinks she's getting rid of you.
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands.
If it's wet dry it. If it's dry wet it. Congratulations, you are now a gynaecologist.
Outside every thin woman is a fat woman trying to get in.
The most difficult year of marriage is the one you are in.
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2010 - 03:19pm PT
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what does an as$hole and a 9 volt battery have in common?
Both are shocking when you lick them.
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KP Ariza
climber
SCC
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Jul 23, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
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How do blondes like there eggs in the morning?
unfertilized
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georgiegirl
Sport climber
Heaven
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Jul 23, 2010 - 06:13pm PT
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What do two climbers say to each other in bed?
condom?
-condom on.
f**king
-f**k on!
coming
-come on!
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john hansen
climber
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Jul 23, 2010 - 08:40pm PT
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If you live in Arkansas,, whats the difference between a Divorce and a Tornado?
Not much... either way your gonna lose the trailer...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 24, 2010 - 12:39am PT
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Gun control means using two hands.
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drljefe
climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
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Jul 24, 2010 - 01:24am PT
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How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South?
Anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.
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M. Volland
Trad climber
Grand Canyon
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Jul 24, 2010 - 11:44am PT
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I went climbing with a pirate once. But only once, because all he wanted to climb were, "RRR-rated pitches Mate."
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Jul 24, 2010 - 02:26pm PT
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Why do little girls put fish in their pockets?
So they can smell like big girls...
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Brent Mattix
Trad climber
Roseville, CA
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Jul 25, 2010 - 11:35am PT
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What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
DAMN!
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426
climber
Buzzard Point, TN
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Jul 25, 2010 - 11:37am PT
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What hold the moon in place?
Beams
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Salamanizer
Trad climber
The land of Fruits & Nuts!
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Jul 26, 2010 - 01:09am PT
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Uh??? EVERYWHERE!
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Shack
Big Wall climber
Reno NV
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Jul 26, 2010 - 04:22am PT
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Why don't the Arabs have driver training and sex education on the same day?
It's too hard on the camels.
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Mtnmun
Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
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Jul 26, 2010 - 11:30am PT
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What is an Austrailian kiss?
Just like a French kiss only
down unda!
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HighTraverse
Trad climber
Bay Area
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Jul 26, 2010 - 09:58pm PT
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Did'ja hear the one about the roof?
d'uh....nope
Good thing, it's over your head
(a 2 liner "short" joke)
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tonesfrommars
Trad climber
California
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Jul 26, 2010 - 10:31pm PT
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why does snoop carry an umbrella
for drizzle
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d-know
Trad climber
electric lady land
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Jul 26, 2010 - 10:42pm PT
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what did
one tampon
say to another?
nuthin',
they were
both stuck
up c#&%s.
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 27, 2010 - 12:16pm PT
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GROSS!
and funny :-)
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Friend
climber
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Jul 27, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
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a termite walks into a bar and says, is the bar tender here
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Sitting Duck
Mountain climber
The Arctic
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Jul 27, 2010 - 04:41pm PT
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Hey, don't walk on the lawn!
I'm not walking, I'm coming!
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Jul 27, 2010 - 06:41pm PT
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There's a new resturant on the moon.
Great food, but no atmosphere.
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KarlCBL
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 27, 2010 - 07:18pm PT
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
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ruppell
climber
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Jul 27, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
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What did the egg say to the boiling water??
It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid by a chick.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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What are the two sexiest animals in the barnyard?
Brown chicken, brown cow!
(say it out loud)
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Gene
Social climber
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Just before Chelsea's wedding last Saturday...
Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom, so she asked Chelsea...
"Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea replied.... "Not according to Dad"
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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A sloth gets mugged by two turtles.
The police show up and ask the sloth to describe the assailants. The sloth says:
"I...don't...know, ...it...all...happened...so...fast..."
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Short? You're so short that when you fart you get sand in your eyes.
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Robb
Social climber
The other "Magic City on the Plains"
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I wanted to do stand up comedy, but I was afraid that everyone would just laugh at me.
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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Whats the difference between a climbing guide and a ex-large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.
What do you call a climbing guide without a girl friend?
Homeless.
Whats the difference between a climbing guide and God?
God does not think he is a climbing guide.
This is probably the only ST topic with over 100 threads that does not have a drift off topic.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Needledick the Bugf*#ker.
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pud
climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
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charlie.elverson
Trad climber
St. Paul, MN
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what has two legs and bleeds a lot?
HALF A CAT!!!
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Damn this looks high
Trad climber
Temecula, CA
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What can a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
Her ankles!
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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A quick one liner for a good weather day...
"It's so nice out I think I'll leave it out."
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dirt claud
Sport climber
san diego,ca
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Jan 20, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
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FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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Blissab
Trad climber
Westhampton, MA
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Jan 20, 2011 - 01:25pm PT
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Guy name San Andreas from the office takes a two week vacation in China.
While there, a major earthquake event takes place.
Upon being interviewed by a Chinese reporter, Mr. Andreas reponds...
"ITS NOT MY FAULT"
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Ihateplastic
Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
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Jan 20, 2011 - 01:37pm PT
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This might be up-thread but I am lazy today...
An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor...
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Friedo
Trad climber
South Lake Tahoe
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Jan 20, 2011 - 03:24pm PT
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Ever notice how a Raven never gets hit by a car?
That's because there's always another raven in a tree yelling "Kaaawwwweeer, Kaaaawwwweeeerrr!"
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dirt claud
Sport climber
san diego,ca
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Jan 20, 2011 - 06:16pm PT
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
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matisse
climber
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Jan 20, 2011 - 07:36pm PT
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From my 8 year old nephew:
Q. why do squirrels do the backstroke?
A. to keep their nuts dry
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mark miller
Social climber
Reno
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Jan 20, 2011 - 07:59pm PT
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"So this Irishman walks out of a bar.........No really it could happen".
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Eubanks,D
Big Wall climber
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Jan 20, 2011 - 09:17pm PT
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Why do jewish people watch porn backwards?
They like watching the prostitute give the money back!
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Fairfax, CA
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Jan 20, 2011 - 09:27pm PT
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What is the shortest distance between two jokes?
A straight line.
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Ihateplastic
Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
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Jan 22, 2011 - 06:58pm PT
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cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
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Some actual headlines:
~Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted~
~Miners Refuse To Work After Death~
~Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant~
~War Dims Hope for Peace~
~If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile~
~Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures~
~Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide~
~Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge~
~New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group~
~Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft~
~Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half~
~Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents~
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Keeping busy: Mets agree with Church, Pagan
"Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?"
"Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says"
"Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday"
"Sun or Rain Expected Today, Dark Tonight"
"Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops off "Significantly After Age 25"
"Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy"
"Circumcisions Cause Crybabies"
"Clinton Apologizes to Syphilis Victims"
"Student Excited Dad Got Head Job"
http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/13177/News++Weather/Funny+and+Stupid+Headlines.aspx
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KlimbingKafir
climber
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What did Davy Crockett say to Daniel Boone at the Alamo?
Where the f*#k did all these gardeners come from?!?!?
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cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
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actual newspaper headlines:
British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
Tomatoes come in Big, Little, and Medium Sizes
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows
Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
Bible Church's Focus Is On the Bible
Lawmakers to Consider Housing Felons in Jail
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
Some Phone Psychics Provide Useless, Erroneous Information
Retirement Will Be Cheaper If You Spend Less
Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Lack of Brains Hinders Research
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Two Sisters United After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from a crimp and crying for my mama.
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Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck
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The Doctor
Social climber
Da Bronx
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.
Heard both of these at work this week.
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perswig
climber
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(props to Matisse' nephew's squirrel/nut joke - I'm totally using that one)
What'd the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
(sorry)
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tom woods
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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What's the secret to blond humor timing.
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tom woods
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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I'll tell my all time favorite if you guys can handle it.
Some of you who know me, may know this one.
Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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tom woods: Ok! I'll beg for the punch line---please.
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tom woods
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?
It made him mean.
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Gordon
Trad climber
South Florida
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A guy walks into the doctor's office with a carrot shoved up his nose.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I know what's wrong with you... You're not eating right."
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Gordon
Trad climber
South Florida
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Three gals are sitting around talking about cosmetic procedures. The first says, "I'm thinking about getting a boob job." The second replies, "That's so yesterday... I'm thinking about getting my arsehole bleached." The third says, "Yeah, I'm not sure I can picture your husband as a blond."
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shipoopoi
Big Wall climber
oakland
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what do the unabomber and a girl from kentucky have in common? they both have been fingered by their brother.
what is the difference between a blonde and a 747? not everyon has been in a 747.
what do walruses and tupperware have in common? they both like a tight seal.
somebody stop me! ss
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tom woods
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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I like the brown and sticky one, Hankster.
It's a high quality lame joke.
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Studly
Trad climber
WA
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Tami, you're so short you play handball against the curb.
Do you know the only person that thinks your jokes are funny?
Me neither.
;)
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Charlie B
Social climber
Santa Rosa, Ca
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What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch covered in leaves?
Russel
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch and the crowd cheered wildly!
Don't you just love happy endings?
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jfailing
Trad climber
Terrible Taft
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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
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Sparky
Trad climber
vagabon movin on
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:29pm PT
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a
seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had
always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this
car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
(Scroll Down)
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Barbarian
Trad climber
The great white north, eh?
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:44pm PT
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Tea-Partiers in Congress
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hairyapeman
Mountain climber
CA
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Mar 15, 2011 - 07:27pm PT
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A termite walks into a bar and ask's where's the bar tender?
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nevahpopsoff
Boulder climber
the woods
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Mar 15, 2011 - 07:46pm PT
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what do you call a boomarang that doesn't come back?
a stick.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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An article in today's LA Times about Joe Wong:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-joe-wong-20110708,0,7821604.story
He's pretty funny:
"I have a family now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever."
"Now I have a sign on my car that says 'Baby on Board.' This sign is basically a threat. It just says I have a screaming baby, a nagging wife and I'm not afraid of dying anymore."
"Are you guys worried about the economy? I'm not, 'cause I grew up poor, you know. If I become poor again, I'll just feel young."
"My son is really cute now, but when he was first born, he was ugly. And I wasn't prepared for it, you know. I was looking at him at the delivery room and trying to remember some of my ugly relatives — and to decide exactly who passed the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, he was like, 'Wow, congratulations! He looks just like you!'"
...........................
"In order for me to become a U.S. citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they asked us questions like, 'Who is Benjamin Franklin?'
"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'
"'What's the 2nd Amendment?'
"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'
....................
"'What is Roe vs. Wade?' I was like, 'Uh, two ways of coming to the United States?'"
Copyright © 2011, Los Angeles Times
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Gary
climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Damn you, reilly! I was just going to post that Roe v. Wade joke!
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dirtbag
climber
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Jul 11, 2011 - 02:00pm PT
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Did you hear about the depressed tugboat?
His mother was an oar, his father was a fairy, and he didn't have a dinghy.
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g-tech
Trad climber
Oakland!
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Jul 11, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
...
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Watusi
Social climber
Newport, OR
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Jul 11, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
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This baby seal walks into a club...
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Dick_Lugar
Trad climber
Soon-to-be-a Greenie!!!
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Jul 11, 2011 - 09:34pm PT
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Pretentious? Moi?
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jul 14, 2011 - 06:20pm PT
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
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Jul 14, 2011 - 06:26pm PT
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Joey, I love that letter... Oh my...
AFS
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jul 15, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
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OK, so it ain't very PC, or short, but this is ST so that makes it OK.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
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* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
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Gene
climber
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Jul 15, 2011 - 01:15pm PT
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After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
1
2
3
4
5
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
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EdBannister
Mountain climber
13,000 feet
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Jul 15, 2011 - 02:51pm PT
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the guy who did one of the toughest, ballsiest climbs in the meadows last summer,
put up Loose Lady and rated it 10b.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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Jul 15, 2011 - 02:55pm PT
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a pirate there with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The guy asks, 'Why is that wheel there?'
Pirate says, 'AAARRRGGGG, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!'
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nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
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Jul 15, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
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Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient:"Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
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Jul 15, 2011 - 02:58pm PT
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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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nature
climber
2006 Toyota Tacoma Wherever US, 00000
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2011 - 02:34am PT
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A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra....
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jfailing
Trad climber
Lone Pine
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Jul 22, 2011 - 10:23am PT
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Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Tell her to get some help - she's probably being domestically abused.
Q: What do you call a bunch of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A terrible boating accident.
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Gene
climber
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Oct 25, 2011 - 11:19am PT
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Ripped off from a NYT article:
“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Nov 18, 2011 - 09:58am PT
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a not so short joke...
"There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 29, 2011 - 01:49pm PT
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Why does a Mermaid wear Sea Shells?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Nov 29, 2011 - 01:55pm PT
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What's the definition of Making Love?
It's what your girlfriend is doing while you're f*#king her.
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d-know
Trad climber
electric lady land
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Nov 29, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
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why do
girls wear
make-up &
perfume?
because they're
ugly
and they
stink.
a catholic priest
and a rabbi sitting
at a park on a bench
when a boy walks by.....
priest: "should we screw him?"
rabbi: "out of what?"
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cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
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Dec 17, 2011 - 02:40pm PT
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In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."Is everybody clear on that?
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 17, 2011 - 02:44pm PT
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HOW TO START A FIGHT . . .
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . . .
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started . . .
__
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started . . .
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend . . . I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started . . .
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started . . .
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started . . .
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started . . .
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office . . .
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started . . .
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started . . .
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Ihateplastic
Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
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Dec 17, 2011 - 02:53pm PT
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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas. But I don't understand, they gave me a Rolex when I said "I wanna watch."
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Jingy
climber
Somewhere out there
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Dec 17, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
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I need some jokes - short ones
My penis is a pretty short joke.
I mean.. Its has received laughs… but very little applause
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Inner City
Trad climber
East Bay
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Dec 17, 2011 - 03:33pm PT
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Woman comes home and tells her husband, "my gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks,"
The husband replies, "What does your dentist say?"
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Rankin
Social climber
Greensboro, North Carolina
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Dec 17, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
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What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
After you get done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
:^0
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Stewart Johnson
climber
lake forest
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Dec 17, 2011 - 08:27pm PT
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if you have 50 goverment workers and 50 lesbians, what do you have?
100 people that dont do dick.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 18, 2011 - 11:25am PT
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I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...
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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 18, 2011 - 12:10pm PT
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how much does a pirate pay for earings?
a buck an ear!
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fsck
climber
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Dec 18, 2011 - 12:22pm PT
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Pedophile walks into the forest with a little boy.
Boy says "Gee, mister. It's awful dark and scary out here."
Man replies, "How do you think I feel I have to walk back out by myself!"
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Dec 18, 2011 - 12:43pm PT
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what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who comes and knocks on your door for no particular reason.
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Dec 18, 2011 - 12:49pm PT
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Why Indian women have that red dot on the forehead:
When they get married, as part of their dowry their husband gets to scratch off the red dot. If it says store then they get to move to the US and open up either a 7-11 or a dunkin donuts or dairy queen. If it says gas then they get to open up a chevron in the US. If there is nothing underneath then they have to come to the US and work as customer service reps for credit card companies.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 12:54pm PT
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Did you hear that funny one about the Irishman who passed up a bar?
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 12:56pm PT
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Signs on a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
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An elderly couple are attending church services... About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
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Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.
Cashier: WOULD YOU LIKE A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
Flattered, I said "You're pulling my leg."
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
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perswig
climber
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:05pm PT
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What's a Grecian urn?
Six or seven drachmas an hour.
Yep.
Dale
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:14pm PT
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Did you know that "doggystyle" was invented in Canada? So both can watch hockey.
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boomin
Ice climber
vermont
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Dec 18, 2011 - 01:21pm PT
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What do you get when you cross a person with dyslexia , a person with insomnia and an agnostic.
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Gary
climber
That Long Black Cloud Is Coming Down
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Dec 19, 2011 - 02:14pm PT
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As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
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ME Climb
climber
Behind the Orange Curtain
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Dec 19, 2011 - 10:02pm PT
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How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a stairwell?
None.....he tripped!
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 19, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
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What do you call a climber with over 1000 girlfriends???
A sheepherder.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 19, 2011 - 10:12pm PT
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Why do so many Polish names end with "SKI"
They can't spell Toboggan!
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Licky
Mountain climber
California
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Dec 19, 2011 - 10:26pm PT
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A guy walks into a bar owned by two Jewish guys,
Hey...it could happen
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Wretchedalan
Social climber
Wisconsin
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Dec 19, 2011 - 10:28pm PT
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What do you call a climber with a credit card?
married.
What do you call a climber with no girlfriend?
Homeless
modified drummer jokes actually.
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 2 hours to get the bass player out/
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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Dec 20, 2011 - 12:09am PT
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Why do polish dogs all have bent noses?
From chasing parked cars.
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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Dec 20, 2011 - 12:11am PT
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A blond is walking and comes to a river. She looks up and down the river, but can't see any way across.
On the other side of the river another blond is walking along the riverbank.
The first blond yells across to the second blond, "Yoohoo... how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blond pauses a moment and yells back, "You ARE on the other side."
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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:21am PT
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bwaa ahahahahahaaa....
that's a good one!
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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:22am PT
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a french fry walks into a hamburger joint and asks for a vegan burger with fries....
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Dec 28, 2011 - 08:52am PT
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a boulder freshman co-ed was having trouble making it across campus to get to her classes on time
she asked her dad for some cash to get a bicycle
when riding her new bike home from the bike shop she passed by a pet store and decided to stop in
she left the store with a cute monkey
a few weeks later clumps of hair started falling off her monkey
She texted her dad "The hair is failing off my monkey, what should I do?"
He replied "Sell the bicycle"
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as#@&%e.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (for instance when the cars are coming toward you their lights are white and when headed away they are red)
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Jan 24, 2012 - 12:06am PT
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Hey TheMaster, jokes are supposed to be funny.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Jan 24, 2012 - 12:08am PT
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Like: Who invented copper wire?
.
...
..
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
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The Larry
climber
Moab, UT
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Jan 29, 2012 - 09:33pm PT
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Did you guys hear about the little boy that was born without eye lids?
They ended up using his foreskin for a replacement.
The only problem was that he was a little cockeyed.
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Jan 30, 2012 - 06:02am PT
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jan 30, 2012 - 11:52am PT
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# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
On the rocks
# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
Leeks
# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
Follow the Captain
# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew
where he was going ?
He replied "off course."
# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.
# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises...
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Jan 31, 2012 - 12:42am PT
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A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood". The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "I'm having tea!"
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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 31, 2012 - 01:08am PT
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leave it to a cab driver....
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LuckyNeck
Trad climber
the basement of Lou's Tavern
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Feb 25, 2012 - 11:54pm PT
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Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?
You really have to hand it to her.
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ec
climber
ca
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Feb 26, 2012 - 01:29am PT
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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...
It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH#T!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre…and Claude was never invited back...
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Mimi
climber
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Mar 11, 2012 - 02:49pm PT
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Not very short but good.
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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nature
climber
CO
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Topic Author's Reply - May 7, 2012 - 10:21pm PT
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So this guy comes home to his wife. He has a chicken under his arm. He says "Honey I want to show you the pig I've been f*#king. The wife looks shocked and says "That's not a pig." He responds "I wasn't talking to YOU"
HK - you should know the source of that one.
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mike m
Trad climber
black hills
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What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Kendergarden humor via my daughter.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired in Appalachia
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I need some jokes - short ones.
Look in your shorts.
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paganmonkeyboy
climber
mars...it's near nevada...
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200+ posts - is this one here already ?
why can't a man ever keep a women happy ?
because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money...
(so much easier to tell without a head full of acid ;-) )
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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How are freshmen at University of Washington and Washington State University similar?
They both applied to UW.
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zBrown
Ice climber
Chula Vista, CA
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Well there are lots of name jokes
What do you call a guy in the swimming pool with no arms and legs? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting in your mailbox? Bill.
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves? Russel.
you get it
....
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
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Back in the mid-2000s, when the market for geologists sucked, one of my colleagues got tired of calling himself a consultant, so he applied for a job at McDonald's. The manager, a pimply 18-year-old, looked over my friend's resume and said, "Sorry, I can't use you." My friend said, "What? Aren't I the most overqualified person you've ever had apply for a job here?"
The kid replied, "No. All my geologists have Ph.D.s!"
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KP Ariza
climber
SCC
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How do you circumcise a red neck?
Kick his sister in the jaw!
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krahmes
Social climber
Stumptown
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I get no respect....
My wife thinks F#cking and Cooking....
are cities in China.
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Reeotch
Trad climber
4 Corners Area
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Yer mamma's so stupid, she taped a piece of paper the the TV and claimed to be watching pay-per-view . . .
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Robb
Social climber
The other side of life
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What did the man sitting next to a mirror say?
Nothing, he was beside himself!
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Oct 23, 2012 - 06:07am PT
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there was once a norwegian man
who loved his wife so much,
he almost told her.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 23, 2012 - 10:13am PT
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Short jokes. OK.
Evan Bayh (D-Indiana): As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.
President Obama: I could tell that Evan’s panties had gotten all wee-weed up. I offered to have a dialogue with him and his panties. This country needs Evan Bayh, but he’s no good to us with his panties in a bunch. Believe me, Evan, if I could reach down in there and untwist them myself, I would, brother. Unfortunately, I’ve got my hands full with Michelle and Hillary.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 23, 2012 - 10:33am PT
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From Duck Soup
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 23, 2012 - 10:36am PT
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Irish bean soup always is made with no more than two hundred tirty-nine beans: One more bean and it would be two farty.
Older lizards, especially Colorado Nini lizards, can expect ereptile dysfunction at early onset.--Herpetology Today
Donini was even more crestfallen when he dropped the cap to his toothpaste off a ledge.
He solved his visiting relatives problem by borrowing money from the rich ones and lending it to the poor ones. Now none of them come over to visit.
He tells me that the difference between Colorado and yoghurt is that youghurt has more active cultures.
Forrest Gump went to Bama instead of Colorado. He liked the academic challenge.
"No joke."
I say "balls!"
http://blogs.denverpost.com/beer/2012/10/01/joke-wynkoop-brews-rocky-mountain-oyster-stout/6330/
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 23, 2012 - 11:19am PT
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Stupid Ranger Questions
What time does the two o'clock tour begin? Was this all man-made?
Short Jokes
Short skirts tend to make men more polite. We all wait for them to get on the escalator first.
Don't trust guys with short legs: Their brains are too near their ass.
It takes zero radio astronomers to change a light bulb because they aren't interested in short wave stuff.
Even a short pencil is more reliable than the longest memory.
Brown Jokes
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman.
Adolph, the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, could run as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop worth a sh#t.
Tattoo Jokes
Two mates, one a black Jamaican, the other a white Alabaman, are taking a friendly pee. The rastaman notices a W-Y tat on the redneck's thing and he says, "I got 'W-Y' on me peter, too, mon. Whatcha story?"
Elmer strokes himself to an erection so the cat can see that he has "Wendy" tattooed on himself.
"Don't tell me y'all know some bitch Wendy, too," he says.
"Noh, mon, it say, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day.'"
Elmer and Wendy? Have a Nice Day, Tacoo!
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
|
|
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f*#k up!"
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
|
|
Why do Brides wear white?
So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
|
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 3, 2012 - 02:10pm PT
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
the photon says, "no thank, I'm traveling light".
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nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
|
|
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
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briham89
Big Wall climber
san jose, ca
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So a guy bolts next to a crack...... I can't remember how this one ends
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Enty
Trad climber
|
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So after 10 years of dating and 12 years of marriage the wife has finally said yes to anal sex...........but what on earth is a strap-on?
E
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rwedgee
Ice climber
canyon country,CA
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If one lesbian c*#k blocks another is it called a beaver dam ?
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Edge
Trad climber
New Durham, NH
|
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Because he was a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever broke wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
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Rudder
Trad climber
Costa Mesa, CA
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|
Two Peanuts were walking down the street, One was assaulted.
Sorry, lol, I just heard that on Pawn Stars. :)
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Gene
climber
|
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Not short, but not overly long.
The Pope is working at his desk when a senior Cardinal rushes in.
Holy Father. I have the most incredible good news and bad news for you. Which do you want first?
Give me the good news first, my son.
Holy Father. Jesus has returned. He’s holding on the phone to talk to you.
My son, what possible bad news could there be on a day like this?
He’s calling from Salt Lake City.
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Plaidman
Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
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|
There is a new drink out at the bars in New York.
It's called a Sandy. It's a watered down Manhattan!
I'll be here all week!
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froodish
Social climber
Portland, Oregon
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A baby harp seal walks into a club.
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bajaandy
climber
Escondido, CA
|
|
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll drink beer all day.
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cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
|
|
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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TGT
Social climber
So Cal
|
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
|
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|
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:26pm PT
|
I was in bed with a blind girl the other night.
She said I had the biggest c*#k she had ever put her hands on.
I told her she was pulling my leg.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
|
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Dec 30, 2012 - 01:42pm PT
|
Why was the squirrel doing the backstroke across the pond?
To keep his nuts dry!
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weezy
climber
|
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Dec 30, 2012 - 01:55pm PT
|
what does a nosey pepper do?
it gets jalapeño business.
|
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Fish Finder
Social climber
THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
|
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Mar 25, 2013 - 06:49pm PT
|
Her legs were like butter
They spread easy
|
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Norwegian
Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
|
|
have you heard the one
about the rich man's widow?
she filled her dress with
stolen eggs!
the people of the town
a gathered 'round
to laugh her down.
when those eggs all broke
and ran down her leg.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
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goatboy smellz
climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
|
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Jul 10, 2013 - 08:39pm PT
|
Why is your oven smoking?
Because it just finished fvcking the dishwasher.
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Trad is Rad
Trad climber
San Luis Obispo California
|
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Jul 11, 2013 - 12:17am PT
|
What do you call a 16 year old girl that can run faster than her 10 brothers?
A virgin
Whats the worst part about blow up dolls?
They smell and you have to drain them every two weeks
|
|
hairyapeman
Trad climber
Fres-yes
|
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|
Jul 11, 2013 - 01:54am PT
|
A termite walks into a bar and ask's "Where's the bar tender?"....
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|
nature
climber
Boulder, CO
|
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|
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 11, 2013 - 02:02am PT
|
manzanita man +1 LOL!
goatboy smellz too!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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Jul 11, 2013 - 05:15am PT
|
"Although I've never read a book all the way through, I'm sure excited to write one," Short joked in a statement. He added, "I haven’t named my book yet, but I’m toying with the title If I’d Saved, I Wouldn't Be Writing This."--Martin Short in an article, well, most of an online article, on the Splitsider comedy website
What do you call a dog with no legs (besides Shorty)?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him.
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tooth
Trad climber
B.C.
|
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|
Jul 11, 2013 - 09:09am PT
|
A friend's mom actually told me this story from last week.
She was in Canada shopping for something for her son and daughter-in-law's baby shower.
She wanted something Canadian. Maybe one of those cute little canadian hats, but she couldn't pronounce toque.
She asked some guys who sent her to a pot shop. I guess she pronounced it toke!
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WyoRockMan
climber
Flank of the Bighorns
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:40pm PT
|
Two lawyers are walking down a street when they see a very attractive lady walking on the other side.
The first lawyer says, "I think I would like to fvck her!"
The second replies, "Outta what?"
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:47pm PT
|
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He asks the Cardinal, "What's a four letter word for a woman that ends in u-n-t?"
The Cardinal says, "Aunt."
The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
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|
mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:13pm PT
|
What is the best time to visit the dentist?
Two-thirty.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:15pm PT
|
Me. I am the biggest joke. I never meant that to be, but...
|
|
Magic Ed
Trad climber
Nuevo Leon, Mexico
|
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|
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:17pm PT
|
Guy walks into a bar with a giant frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" The frog answers "New Jersey, there's millions of 'em"
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|
goatboy smellz
climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:23pm PT
|
A lawyer, a doctor, and a statistician go out duck hunting one day.
Some ducks come flying by and the lawyer pops up and shoots, way right and misses.
The doctor takes aim and shoots, way left, misses.
The statistician pumps his fist in the air and said. "We got one!".
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WyoRockMan
climber
Flank of the Bighorns
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:24pm PT
|
^^^^Good one!
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
Keeps their foreskin from popping out of their shirt.
|
|
speelyei
Trad climber
Mohave County Arizona
|
|
|
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:11pm PT
|
A guy walks in to a bar and sets a car battery on the floor, and a set of jumper cables on the stool. He orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Ok, but I don't want you starting anything in here".
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Braunini
Big Wall climber
cupertino
|
|
I like to mix it up with a couple of Jokes With Realistic Endings:
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken lacks reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken’s action was spurred by any particular motivation.
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
|
|
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
|
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
Braunini's jokes suck.
Realistic ending?>
Braunini asks a large woman on Polk St., where is a good place to hang put and have a beer?
She replies, my place.
|
|
Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
|
A harp seal goes into a bar...
"What'll you have?" asks the bartender
"Anything but Canadian Club"
|
|
Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
|
My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker....
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
|
|
mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
|
Jul 23, 2014 - 10:04pm PT
|
Yeah, and the joke about the bed hasn't been made up yet.
|
|
k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
|
|
|
Jul 24, 2014 - 10:22pm PT
|
The joke is in your hand.
(Written on the urinal wall, of course.)
|
|
deuce4
climber
Hobart, Australia
|
|
|
Jul 25, 2014 - 04:14am PT
|
Feeling a bit low on smarts the other day, i headed to the brain store.
Storekeeper told me, "i got lawyers brains for $5 an ounce, engineers brains for $25 an ounce, rocket scientists brains for $50 an ounce, and climbers brains for $1000 an ounce"
"$1000 for an ounce of climbers brain--why so expensive?" I asked.
Storekeeper said, "do you know how many climbers it takes to get an ounce of brains?!"
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
|
|
|
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:06am PT
|
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo Fook!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!
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Braunini
Big Wall climber
cupertino
|
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|
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:19am PT
|
And my jokes suck?
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:32am PT
|
Position 68
You do me and I owe you one;)
Credit Stan H
|
|
JonA
Trad climber
Flagstaff, AZ
|
|
|
Aug 14, 2014 - 01:04pm PT
|
Guy sitting next to me on flight: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a door-to-door salesman
Guy: Really...what do you sell?
Me: Doors....it never works out
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Dec 30, 2014 - 09:21am PT
|
I actually saw this on BBC, admittedly, BITD. An English, and I stress that
adjective, comedian was 'performing' in a club.
"Are there any Irish in the room?"
Silence...
"Is the question too difficult?"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
|
Dec 30, 2014 - 10:11am PT
|
I picked up a gal in a bar the other night. She said, "I don't do this normally." I said, "I'm a little kinky myself."
|
|
hobo_dan
Social climber
Minnesota
|
|
a travelling salesman knocks on a door and it is answered by a little girl wearing a bra and panties. She has a snifter of brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. Surprised, the salesman asks "Is your mommy or daddy home?" And the little girl says: 'What the fukc do you think?"
|
|
zBrown
Ice climber
Brujò de la Playa
|
|
Political OK?
(I'm a) Newt Gingrich
Boehner & Weiner. hahahahahaha
D#@&%e Limbaugh. hahahahahaha [wow censored]
Doooche Limbaugh heehawheehawheehaw
On the Senate washroom wall.
Don't look here for the joke, it's in your hand.
|
|
glen prior
Trad climber
truckee, ca
|
|
Meanwhile, out in the desert, two arabs are eating their dates...
|
|
Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
|
|
"What's one thing women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming."
|
|
alannamal
climber
B.C.
|
|
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If it was forced upon you as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
Boom.
|
|
Stewart
Trad climber
Courtenay, B.C.
|
|
Bill O'Reilly
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
|
|
zBrown
Ice climber
Brujò de la Playa
|
|
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
Did you here about the Polish pirate? He wore a patch over both eyes.
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
I had an uncle who was a psychic. He knew the exact day he was going to die.
The warden told him.
|
|
BuddhaStalin
climber
Truckee, CA
|
|
What does a gay horse eat?
<those who think theyre clever will say 'haaaaay'>
<a punch in the arm while you deliver punchline>
No! He eats c*#k!
...unfortunately isnt as funny when the recipient doesnt give the token 'haaaay' response....
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
Yosomighty tried some naked hot tubbing with the temp in the 20s.
He put up a route the next day, calling it Inchworm.
|
|
WyoRockMan
climber
Flank of the Big Horns
|
|
What's this? A banana.
What's this? A bininya.
|
|
tew
Trad climber
ATX
|
|
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
|
|
ground_up
Trad climber
mt. hood /baja
|
|
Hear about the dyslexics who worship Santa ?
|
|
Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
|
Take my wife... please.
Came back into town last week after a 2 week business trip. I pull into the driveway and 4 guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says "Get the Hell out of here, her husbands home".
|
|
Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
|
My wife's cooking is so bad, in the springtime the flies pitch in to help put up the screens.
edit: Hat tip to Dangerfield for both of the above.
|
|
Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
|
She's getting better now though.
She just mixes the Rolaids in with the food.
|
|
Mike from Phoenix
Trad climber
Phoenix, AZ
|
|
What's the difference between a tornado & a Kentucky divorce?
I don't know, but either way someone is going to lose a trailer!
|
|
Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
|
well some would say G.O.D. (that's me) but that's not funny to some, most of all me.
Easy 1st
What do you get when you cross a Centipede with an African Gray parrot?
Harder(more silly)
Which is the fruity est class in school ? (no not the one taught by the gay teacher)
And for climber content,
What is the lazy est mountain in the world?
these are easy and bring the lite chuckles I like. . .
answers may follow . . .
then again some one else can send this one!
|
|
jpb2
Trad climber
PHOENIX, MD
|
|
What did the fish say when he hit his head?
Damn.
|
|
frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
|
|
How did Ray Rices girlfreind find out he was cheating on her?...She found another girls lipstick on his knuckles....
|
|
dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
|
|
|
Feb 10, 2015 - 02:37pm PT
|
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound
and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
|
|
i'm gumby dammit
Sport climber
da ow
|
|
|
Feb 10, 2015 - 06:55pm PT
|
During a pregame interview Pete Carroll was asked how he felt about winning back to back championships to which he replied "I think I'll pass".
|
|
Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
|
Feb 10, 2015 - 07:10pm PT
|
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows.
|
|
east side underground
climber
Hilton crk,ca
|
|
|
Feb 10, 2015 - 08:12pm PT
|
what's the difference between superman and ordinary men? ........ superman wears his underware outside his pants
|
|
EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
|
|
|
Feb 11, 2015 - 08:31am PT
|
Two men sitting at a bar.
One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."
His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."
|
|
Flip Flop
Trad climber
Truckee, CA
|
|
|
Feb 11, 2015 - 08:33am PT
|
Tranny trouble causes major auto accident in LA.
|
|
stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
|
|
Feb 11, 2015 - 02:18pm PT
|
A vegan, a lactose intolerant, and a paleo diet follower walk into a bar.
It's no big deal, they all just manage to work it into the conversation within 30 seconds.
|
|
skitch
climber
East of Heaven
|
|
|
Feb 11, 2015 - 02:21pm PT
|
My wife said to make sure and give the waitress the tip. . .but I decided to give the waitress both inches.
|
|
cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 01:41pm PT
|
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin for the guy that shot my paw."
|
|
If
Trad climber
UK
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 01:46pm PT
|
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar
And the barman says ......
"Is this a joke?"
|
|
Banquo
climber
Amerricka
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 03:28pm PT
|
I stood there wondering why the rock was getting larger and larger. Then it hit me.
|
|
MisterE
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 04:54pm PT
|
Dyslexic bumpersticker:
Dylsexics Untie!
|
|
L
climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 05:41pm PT
|
Three blondes walk into a building.
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
|
|
Flip Flop
climber
salad bowl, california
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 09:02pm PT
|
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
|
|
MisterE
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
|
|
|
Mar 22, 2015 - 09:10pm PT
|
Everyone jumped for Joy,
Joy jumped higher!
|
|
bookworm
Social climber
Falls Church, VA
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 09:19am PT
|
when hillary heard chelsea had a boyfriend at college, she decided it was time for the "talk"
hillary said, "chelsea, dear, i need you to be honest with me...are you having sex?"
chelsea thought for a moment, then smiled and said, "not according to daddy"
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|
Stevee B
Trad climber
Oakland, CA
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 01:45pm PT
|
(This one needs to be said out loud)
What are the Super Mario Brothers's overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim
|
|
plund
Social climber
OD, MN
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 03:23pm PT
|
credit to South Park / comedybot
Why don't chickens wear pants?
'Cause their peckers are on their heads!
And a "paraphrased" Rodney....
The doctor tells me "You're overweight". I say "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly, too".
|
|
L
climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 03:24pm PT
|
"Okay, you're ugly, too".
LOL!
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:17pm PT
|
Q: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead?
A: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:18pm PT
|
Q: What happened when George Bush said Global Warming is happening at a faster pace then he expected?
A: A cabinent member pulled him aside and told him not to worry it's spring time.
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:31pm PT
|
"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:33pm PT
|
In a tragic fire yesterday, the Tea Party lost everything in their official library.
All five books were burned to ashes.
Worse yet!
Three of them hadn't been colored in.
|
|
MisterE
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
|
|
What has 7 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
You will never believe who I ran into today!
|
|
scaredycat
Trad climber
Berkeley,CA
|
|
I think I'm in love with Fritz. Both for the above and for his "political" jokes.
Don't let it go to your head, dude!
|
|
Flip Flop
climber
salad bowl, california
|
|
What is the difference between a guide and the Buddha?
The Buddha knows that he's not a god.
Why is the Grand Canyon so wide on top?
So the guide can get his head down in it.
|
|
rmuir
Social climber
From the Time Before the Rocks Cooled.
|
|
Six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
Fritz, that is awfully funny.
|
|
Flip Flop
climber
salad bowl, california
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 07:18am PT
|
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think that we care.
|
|
Gorgeous George
Trad climber
Los Angeles, California
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 12:38pm PT
|
George Bush was informed by the State Department that Brazilian troops were being sent into Iraq to assist the efforts.
Bush replied, great, how many is a brazilian?
|
|
thetennisguy
Mountain climber
Yuba City, CA
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 01:14pm PT
|
Why is Hillary running for President?
Because she wants to find out what it's like to sleep in the President's bed.
|
|
Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 01:33pm PT
|
"I heard that you won the candy eating contest.
Did they give you a trophy?"
"No, all I got was some dumb plaque."
(I made this up while sitting in the dentist chair recently.)
|
|
Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 04:06pm PT
|
Why cant you hear a pteridactyl got to the bathroom?
The "P" is silent.....
|
|
Reeotch
climber
4 Corners Area
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 04:19pm PT
|
New bathroom designation: "Trans-Jenner"
|
|
john hansen
climber
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 06:55pm PT
|
Bruce Gender
|
|
Gary
Social climber
From A Buick 6
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 07:37pm PT
|
What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal?
"I can't control my pupils!"
|
|
mcreel
climber
Barcelona
|
|
|
Apr 28, 2015 - 09:45pm PT
|
Termite goes into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
|
|
MisterE
Gym climber
Being In Sierra Happy Of Place
|
|
|
Apr 29, 2015 - 03:52pm PT
|
What do you call a little burro? Burrito!
What do you call a little judge? Judge Ito!
*I know, it's bad - but it's short!*
|
|
Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
|
|
|
Apr 29, 2015 - 05:25pm PT
|
what does a nosy pepper do?
it gets jalapeno business.
|
|
Gary
Social climber
From A Buick 6
|
|
|
Apr 29, 2015 - 08:21pm PT
|
How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
I was standing at the bar at Toronto International when this small Chinese
guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why the f*#k you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No, I said, it's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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May 30, 2015 - 02:30pm PT
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At a train station in Wyoming a cowboy, an Indian and a Muslim get on train. The three all exchange some small talk and after a bit the cowboy pulls his Stetson over his eyes for a nap. The Indian looks out at the plains rolling past and says to the Muslim "We were once many but now we are few".
The Muslim smiling, replies, "We were once few but now we are many".
The cowboy raises the brim of his hat and states "We haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet".
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Gary
Social climber
From A Buick 6
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My mother-in-law will never live long enough to be as old as she looks.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jul 31, 2015 - 04:54pm PT
|
After years of wondering why he didn’t look like any of his siblings,
a man finally collected the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were adopted,” his mother replied as she started to cry softly,
“but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
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johnboy
Trad climber
Can't get here from there
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A guy was sitting with his wife that was on her death bed. She says to him, honey, I need to tell you something. I slept with your brother, your father and your best friend. The husband says, I know honey, thats why I poisoned you.
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philo
climber
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I think the guy I bought Velcro climbing shoes from was a drug dealer because they are laced and I keep tripping.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
Little Johnny confides to a friend:
I used to have a cat that stuttered.
One day, I took the cat for a walk, & we ran into a Rottweiler.
The Rottweiler started growling and rushed my cat.
My stuttering cat started stuttering:
ffffsssss, & fffffffssssss,
but before it could say:
Fuk You!
The Rottweiler tore its head off.
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Gary
Social climber
From A Buick 6
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Aug 10, 2015 - 08:13am PT
|
A fellow is on hos deathbed. The doctor says it's his last night on Earth, he won't make it through the night.
He calls his wife over, says he'd like to have sex one more time. She refuses, "Look, I have to get up in the morning, you don't!"
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cliffhanger
Trad climber
California
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Aug 10, 2015 - 03:42pm PT
|
The other night there was this huge explosion because I foolishly tried to combine pasta with antipasta.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Aug 26, 2015 - 12:21pm PT
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^^^ Good one!
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS 460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist
was there waiting for the service manager when the mechanic shouted
across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves
out , I repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything
back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that
I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,
"try doing it with the engine running."
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covelocos
Trad climber
|
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Aug 26, 2015 - 02:05pm PT
|
why was the hippie drinking milk?
'cause he liked ice cream before it was cool.
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MisterE
Gym climber
Being In Sierra Happy Of Place
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How do you know Chris Sharma is sponsored by Volkswagen?
Because he yells "Passat!" when he tries hard.
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o-man
Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
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Sep 10, 2015 - 08:47pm PT
|
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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o-man
Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
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Sep 11, 2015 - 10:12pm PT
|
Bob and Jill are on their first date.
Bob: Tell me something about your self Jill.
Jill: Well Bob, I don't have AIDS.
Bob: That's a relief, I sure would hate to catch that s..t again !
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o-man
Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
|
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Sep 12, 2015 - 11:06am PT
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George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 12, 2015 - 06:29pm PT
|
The science teacher calls on MooseDrool to tell what he's learned about bees and wasps.
"First, the bees pollinate crops. Then you can make honey. Bees help to improve the environment. And bees are reluctant to sting."
"Very succinct. What have you to say to us about wasps?"
"Oh, they're just as#@&%es."
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Sep 12, 2015 - 08:51pm PT
|
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.
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d-know
Trad climber
electric lady land
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Sep 13, 2015 - 07:47am PT
|
The chief.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
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Sep 13, 2015 - 08:28am PT
|
A guy makes a trip to China looking for relocation sites for his company to lower labor and production costs. Shortly after his return he comes down with a severe rash and immediately sees a physician. "The prognosis is not good." says the doctor, "it will have to be cut off". Horrified, he seeks a second opinion but gets the same diagnosis.
Desperate he decides to go to the source and sees a Chinese doctor. With a strong accent the Chinese doctor informs him "I have seen this before".
"Well, can you do anything?" "The other doctors said they would have to cut it off!"
"These American doctors, are always cut, cut, cut."
"So you can do something?"
"No, it will fall off by itself."
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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Oct 10, 2015 - 11:25am PT
|
Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
It has a sticker that says "I DA HO"
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philo
climber
|
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Oct 10, 2015 - 11:33am PT
|
Elderly couple is sitting in a crowded church during a sermon when the elderly lady leans towards her husband and whispers "I just had a silent fart".
The elderly man leans away from his wife and says " change the battery in your hearing aid".
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
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Oct 11, 2015 - 04:55pm PT
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A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blonde, a redneck, & a dog walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest wall with a sharp knife.
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whitemeat
Trad climber
San Luis Obispo, CA
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Oct 11, 2015 - 05:27pm PT
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Joke 1
Wanna hear a joke about pizza?
Na it's too chessy.
Joke 2
What did the two oceans say to each other?
Nothing, they just waved..
Joke 3
You ever hear the one about the broken pencil?
Aw, there's no point...
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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The joke's in your hand.
Seen adorning the walls above many urinals across the land.
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Scott07
Sport climber
SugarPine
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What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on ahead
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insatiable
Mountain climber
santa cruz, ca
|
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Why was the math book depressed?
Because it was full of problems.
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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I was just sent these. Very clever:
I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I didn't like my mustache at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Velcro -- what a rip off!
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
|
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Not sure if this has been posted...
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy sh#t, I'm joking!
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
|
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
|
What did the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip"
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:49pm PT
|
What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt"
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Fossil climber
Trad climber
Atlin, B. C.
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Dec 10, 2015 - 08:42pm PT
|
Annual checkup today. Asked the doc to look at a tiny, itchy birthmark. She checked it with a lens, said, "Must be a tattoo - it says Best before 08/99."
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LOWERme
Trad climber
NM
|
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Dec 10, 2015 - 09:20pm PT
|
Next time, put the potato in the FRONT of your speedos!
(I forget the rest of it.)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
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Dec 12, 2015 - 01:38pm PT
|
What you call a chameleon that can not change color.
A reptile dysfunction.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Dec 12, 2015 - 03:17pm PT
|
How about short cartoons?
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
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Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
|
|
Two astrophysicists walk to the edge of a black hole....
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MisterE
Gym climber
Small Town with a Big Back Yard
|
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|
Jan 20, 2016 - 09:30pm PT
|
A doctor walks into the room with a waiting patient,
"I've got some good news, some bad news and some really bad news"
The patient says, "Give it to me straight, Doc."
The doctor clears his throat,
"The good news is, we got your diagnostics back.
The bad news is you have a week to live...
the really bad news is: I meant to get back to you last week."
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Jan 20, 2016 - 10:45pm PT
|
Argh fritz beat me to em
I like his 1st one a lot.
This one takes a bit - it almost seems over the Dr's head
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Jan 21, 2016 - 08:30am PT
|
If a Bra is an
UPPER TOPPER FLOPPER STOPPER
And a Jock Strap is a
LOWER DECKER PECKER CHECKER
&
A toilet is a
SUPER-DUPPER PEE & POOP REMOVER
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy who's father has diarrhea ?
A SLAP HAPPY JAPPY with an UN-HAPPY CRAPY PAPPY.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Jan 22, 2016 - 07:56pm PT
|
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness since the auto accident.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything.
Unfortunately your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.
You have $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.
You must decide how many inches you want and it's important that your wife plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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Jan 31, 2016 - 04:52pm PT
|
My late wife used to tell me a bra was an OVER THE SHOULDER BOULDER HOLDER.
Have you ever bought gas and when you go into pay the guy inside says do you have gas?
I do not know how to respond,
"No, just indigestion,"
or "Pull my finger and find out!"
I heard on the news that Pluto and Neptune’s orbit cross every few hundred thousand years,
which made me think, eventually Pluto is going to shove Neptune into Uranus.
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Stewart
Trad climber
Courtenay, B.C.
|
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Jan 31, 2016 - 05:55pm PT
|
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
-H. L. Mencken
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
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Jan 31, 2016 - 06:37pm PT
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
|
|
If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
|
Um,
T A C O C A T
Sorry I spelled it dackwardz, - bizleksea'z a ditch....
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
|
|
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
-H. L. Mencken
"A cynic is a man who sees things the way they really are."
Mark Twain
On another note...
Two women in heaven are talking about how they died.
“I froze to death. It wasn’t so bad, once I stopped shivering I felt all warm and just slipped away.”
“I died of a heart attack. I knew my husband was having an affair. One day I came home early thinking that I’d catch him in the act. I tore the whole house apart looking for her and got so upset that I had a heart attack.”
“You should have looked in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
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|
Feb 19, 2016 - 12:39am PT
|
Mountain Project,
17 pages in response to the JTree route name of the climb next to
Walk On The Wild Side, the person driving that shjt show
His name is now a short joke - Owen David....YMMV
Mountain REJACKED
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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Feb 19, 2016 - 06:25am PT
|
Offthemark.com by Mark Parisi
|
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
|
"I just lost an electron."
"Are you share?"
"I'm positive."
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Hoots
climber
Mammoth Lakes, CA
|
|
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?
The Stones are famous for singing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud", while the Scottish sheep farmer is better know for yelling, "Hey, McCloud! Get off my EWE!"
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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Mar 17, 2016 - 09:08am PT
|
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Gimme five beers."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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|
Mar 19, 2016 - 09:50pm PT
|
A frog parked in a no parking zone.
He got toad.
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Rock!...oopsie.
Trad climber
the pitch above you
|
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Mar 28, 2016 - 02:08pm PT
|
Donald Trump is given the ability to talk to past presidents for advice (presumably by whoever put the massive OT blue buttplug on the moon, but I digress).
He starts at the beginning - Washington. Washington tells him "never tell a lie - always be truthful". Jefferson tells him "Spread liberty everywhere. All men should live under conditions of maximal personal liberty." Lincoln tells him "Go to the theater."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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|
Mar 29, 2016 - 05:53am PT
|
I heard the Energizer Bunny was charged with battery.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Mar 29, 2016 - 08:58am PT
|
I first posted this one in a Pate thread on how to identify someone who is not from your state. http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1199354&msg=1199709#msg1199709
I find that some well-traveled people, like Donini, are able to tell not only what state people are from, but where they attended college.
Donini was drinking and having fun with some younger members at an AAC meeting.
After a while, he pointed to a climber and said: “You went to school at Stanford, right”?
The climber smiled and said: “Yes, I did, but how do you know”?
Donini said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers, and I have gotten pretty good at guessing where they went to school.
A while later, he pointed to another climber and said: “You went to Dartmouth, right?”
Again, that climber asked Donini how he knew his school.
Donini smiled, and said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers. After that, it is pretty easy for me to guess where they went to school.”
A few drinks later Donini pointed to Pate and said: “Pate did you go to school at Boston College?”
Pate replied: “Maybe, but why do you think I went to Boston College?”
Donini replied: “It was an easy guess. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Apr 26, 2016 - 03:39pm PT
|
a young woman goes to her small-town physician and explains she recently noticed two strange green areas, one on each thigh.
The physician asks to see the green areas, and upon excamination & some thought says: "I remember you introducing your boyfriend to me at the country club a few weeks back." "He's a gypsy isn't he?"
The young lady says: "Why yes he is a gypsy."
"Tell him his earrings aren't gold."
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james Colborn
Trad climber
Truckee, Ca
|
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|
Apr 26, 2016 - 04:16pm PT
|
What do you call a woman who marries a hippie?
Misseshippie
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guyman
Social climber
Moorpark, CA.
|
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|
Apr 26, 2016 - 04:57pm PT
|
Things were getting very tight money-wise in the Jones household.
To help out, Mrs Jones agreed to go out and street-walk, you know turn some tricks.
She came home after the first night and declared, I made two hundred dollars and twentyfive cents!!!!!!
Mr. Jones askes "who gave you the twenty five cents?"
WHY ALL OF THEM, DEAR.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
|
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|
May 11, 2016 - 10:00am PT
|
It's not short but I wrote it...
'The Little Blue Book'
Around the water cooler at a job site this utility worker says;
"So there's this guy. He's at work and his wife finds his little black book in the laundry...
She's looking at all of the names and phone numbers. There's about two pages of phone numbers, business contacts, friends, etc.
But on page three there's only a list of phone numbers with no names.
Like number one, then a phone number.
Number two, then a phone number. And so forth...all the way down for two more pages.
There's at least 80 or a hundred phone numbers with no names.
So she starts calling all these numbers...
And all these women start answering at the other end of the line.
The wife goes out and gets a little blue book.
And she fills it up cover to cover with the names and phone numbers of men that she gets out of the white pages.
Then she leaves it on the kitchen table under her coffee cup.
So this guy, the husband, he comes home from work.
Can't find his wife.
She doesn't answer her cel phone.
Couple hours go by he still can't reach her.
He sees the little blue book.
Flips through and starts calling numbers.
"I don't know any Maria" they all say when they answer.
"Yea right" he's thinking.
He storms through the house looking for some sign of her.
Her car's gone.
Her clothes and luggage... gone.
He looks in the little blue book again and flips to the last page and sees a question mark with a phone number.
He calls the number...
And gets the voicemail for their attorney."
-bushman
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Gilroy
Social climber
Bolderado
|
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|
May 11, 2016 - 10:20am PT
|
What kind of plant does a guy get his best buddy & male BFF?
A bromeliad.
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Camahoo
Trad climber
Dead Pine Ridge, Ca
|
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|
May 11, 2016 - 04:34pm PT
|
I use to be a practicing necrophiliac until that rotten cvnt split on me.
|
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
|
|
May 20, 2016 - 03:30pm PT
|
^^^ eewwwww
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
|
|
Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
|
|
|
May 20, 2016 - 07:12pm PT
|
What did the buffalo say when they loaded her young bull in the back of an SUV?
"Fvkking tourists..."
|
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Tom
Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo CA
|
|
|
May 21, 2016 - 02:56am PT
|
Three other guys and a Mexican are car-pooling home after work.
The Mexican guy pulls out a beer while they are driving, and cracks it open.
The driver says, "HEY! What are you doing? That's illegal!!!!!"
The Mexican guy says, "Yeah, well, I'm illegal, my family is illegal, my entire existence is illegal. I'm gonna drink some illegal beer."
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boomin
Trad climber
vermont
|
|
|
May 21, 2016 - 09:36am PT
|
Drove down to the pub to have a few with some friends. Ended up having a great time but got really smashed. As I was leaving the pub I thought, i'm in no shape to drive my car home. So I took a bus. I made it home OK ...which is amazing cause I've never driven a bus before.
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mtnyoung
Trad climber
Twain Harte, California
|
|
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
|
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Topic Author's Reply - Jun 3, 2016 - 12:22pm PT
|
Dummy Donald Dummy Drumpfs fingers
|
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dikhed
climber
State of fugue and disbelief
|
|
probably already posted but I don't give a f*#k
Go to the urinal, look down into hand
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dikhed
climber
State of fugue and disbelief
|
|
As I go through this thread there are some funny ones
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|
survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
|
|
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad that Donald Dick isn't gonna be president?
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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Went to the local bar with my wife last night. The locals starting shouting "PEDOPHILE!!" at me, Just because my wife is 22 and I'm 60... It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary...
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Two Idaho men walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their farming operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the Idaho men looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The Idaho man strides over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
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zBrown
Ice climber
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Good joke and short too. What Trump has in his hand a the urinal.
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Jun 30, 2016 - 09:43pm PT
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mcreel
climber
Barcelona
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Jun 30, 2016 - 11:33pm PT
|
Molecule says to the bartender "I think I just ionized!" Bartender says "Are you sure?" Molecule says "I'm positive"
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
|
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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What's the difference between beer nuts & deer nuts?
Beer nuts vary widely in price, but deer nuts are usually under a buck.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Donald was having trouble in school and his teacher was always frustrated with his behavior.
One day Donald's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and lazy boy.
Donald’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Suddenly her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went so terribly wrong.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Donald, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
And you thought Donald was the doctor?
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dikhed
climber
State of fugue and disbelief
|
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some really good ones but that wasn't one of them
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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OK try this one
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
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dikhed
climber
State of fugue and disbelief
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^^^^^YES! Good one
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
|
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What do you call a girl with no arms? Sarah
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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An Irishman is sitting in a pub. A flamboyant Brit walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "How about a blow job?"
Irish fella beats the sh!t out of him, throws him into the street. bartenders asks, "What did he say to you?"
"I don't know. Something about a job."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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You hear about the blond with the vibrator? She chipped her tooth.
What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cause he was a woman! Hey!
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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How many Texans does it take to light a barbecue? Who gives a fvck. Fvck Texas.
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August West
Trad climber
Where the wind blows strange
|
|
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
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August West
Trad climber
Where the wind blows strange
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Jesus, Muhammad, and the Buddha walk into a bar.
The bartender glances up and the goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up again, stares, goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up and stares for a long time.
Finally the bartender says, "OK guys, what's the punch line?".
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
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Nice!
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Gary
Social climber
Where in the hell is Major Kong?
|
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^^ That's one lame joke.
The Buddha stops at a hot dog cart and tells the guy, "Make me one with everything."
The Buddha pays the cart guy and stands there expectantly. The guys says, "Change comes from within."
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Lurkingtard
climber
|
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Where does a general put his armies?
In his sleevies.
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
|
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"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.
Unless you are at a funeral.
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Lurkingtard
climber
|
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What's the difference between a garbonso bean and a chickpea?
I've never had a garbonso bean on my face.
;-)
~~~
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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^ ^ ^ ^ ^
If it's pee, she's drunk & you aren't doing it right.
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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Jul 19, 2016 - 09:09pm PT
|
What kind of dog does a magician have?
A labradacabrador.
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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Jul 20, 2016 - 08:27am PT
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A blond is strolling down a country road. She comes to a river that is flowing across, and there is no bridge. She looks up the river and down the river, but there is no bridge in sight.
Across the river she sees another blond strolling along the river, so the first blond calls across: "Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo. How do I get to the other side?"
The second blond looks at the first in obvious puzzlement for a moment and then calls back, "You are on the other side."
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
|
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Jul 20, 2016 - 08:40am PT
|
3 guys are having lunch. A blond, a redhead, and a guy with black hair.
The guy with the black hair says, my wife is so stupid. She bought a whole side of beef but we are vegetarians and we don't even have a freezer.
Redhead says my wife is really stupid too. She just bought a convertible though she doesn't know how to drive and we don't have a garage.
Blond shakes his head and says you guys have it easy. My wife is so dumb she's going on a business trip to Mexico for a week and she bought a whole case of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!
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squishy
Mountain climber
|
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Jul 20, 2016 - 09:19am PT
|
"ring ring
"is your refrigerator running?"
"yeah, why?"
"I want to vote for it!"
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overwatch
climber
Arizona
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Jul 20, 2016 - 09:24am PT
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Anthony Jeselnik is one funny guy with his weird tiny hands , him and Tosh
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Barbarian
climber
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Jul 20, 2016 - 10:43am PT
|
Two astrophysicists walk to the edge of a black hole....
That sucks!
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
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perswig
climber
|
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Jul 30, 2016 - 03:32am PT
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Two fronts walk into an isobar...
Dale
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Rock!...oopsie.
Trad climber
the pitch above you
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Jul 30, 2016 - 05:38am PT
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Wow, that terrorist skits video is totally racist and inflammatory but I guess gets points for the no f*#ks given approach to comedy (I laughed and felt shame for doing so). It's groundbreaking in that it is the absolute dumbest idea I've seen people film themselves doing. I blame Ali G for paving the way to that level of stupid.
If they keep at it the BEST case scenario is someone will beat the living sh#t out of them before they end up in jail, shot, or actually hurt/kill someone by "accident".
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Jul 30, 2016 - 09:17am PT
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What sound does a grand piano make if you drop it in a hole?
'A' 'Phlat' 'minor' . . .
~So; the wrong crowd~
This mornings gathering,for short ones' -//Hey I Resemble that remark,
a topic I'm intimately aware is fundamental to the text/mexed-up, fare served here
Doesn't belong here, in this thread of Short jokes, it has been a respite from you're, Jody,
Constant banter as if it made a difference. Our kind -the superior white middle-aged males'
Dominance is in decline.
politics? Religion ? Other things ? Short jokes?
Here is a riddle for you, what?
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Jul 30, 2016 - 09:32am PT
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Big J's last words on the cross: "so much for nepotism."
Why doesn't Jesus like Snicker's?
because HE DOESN'T F*#KING EXIST
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overwatch
climber
Arizona
|
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Jul 30, 2016 - 09:39am PT
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Terrorist bomber skits are the bomb.
Those guys deserve whatever happens to them
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 30, 2016 - 10:23am PT
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The plot to murder Hugh Morris thickens.
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JC Marin
Trad climber
CA
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Jul 30, 2016 - 09:16pm PT
|
Q: What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?
A: Dude...this music sucks
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Jul 30, 2016 - 10:00pm PT
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Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer.
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Jul 30, 2016 - 11:14pm PT
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^^^hate is not a joke
and you aint brave!
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Jul 30, 2016 - 11:25pm PT
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hey man I just shows 'em like I seen 'em.
Sorta like the cop and the Negro, eh?
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Aug 18, 2016 - 05:22am PT
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Two dudes walkin' down the street. They pass a dog sittin' in a doorway licking away at its own genitals. First guy says: "Man, I sure wish I could do that.".
Second guy says, "Lick a dog's balls?"
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Aug 18, 2016 - 09:16am PT
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I could tell you the one about a pizza, but it's too cheesy.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Sep 13, 2016 - 07:07am PT
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'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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Sep 20, 2016 - 07:48pm PT
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What do you call an italian hooker?
A pastatute!
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Lorenzo
Trad climber
Portland Oregon
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Sep 20, 2016 - 08:30pm PT
|
Ever wonder why the NIH stopped using rats for their experiments?
They are using lawyers instead. They are cheaper, nobody forms emotional attachments to them, and there are some things rats just won't do.
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Lorenzo
Trad climber
Portland Oregon
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Sep 21, 2016 - 01:48am PT
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Aug 18, 2016 - 05:22am PT
Two dudes walkin' down the street. They pass a dog sittin' in a doorway licking away at its own genitals. First guy says: "Man, I sure wish I could do that.".
Second guy says, "Lick a dog's balls?"
The way I heard it was.
" ok, but I'd pet him, first."
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Sep 21, 2016 - 05:14am PT
|
It sounds like going indoors to go climbing is no joke?
You might need to learn the ropes, Palm Down on the brake hand
Turn in you're (hero) Man card & put your 'junk'' in a jar when you go to a gym,
" No Creepy lookin'' at her or him.
Let's invade Afganistan . . . For the oil? . . . No, for the generation destroyed by Herion.
Coming in a close third:
It was 4am, I was still, and completely under the influence of a Big Ditch high.
Nothing quite like the end of a multi-day multi-climb, dehydrated August sojourn in the Valley
to make you leave your vehicle un-attended unlocked with thousands of dollars of kit
and in a urban neighborhood.
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
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Sep 21, 2016 - 01:36pm PT
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Being from the backwoods of New Hampshire, I find that I'm still a bit socially awkward at times.
The other day, in line at the Boulder Whole Foods, I was behind a striking young lass who had obviously hurried in after hours in the car; the rear of her skirt was stuck between her perfectly shaped ass cheeks. Trying to do her a favor without causing a scene, I quietly pulled the fabric free from its sweaty confines. She promptly wheeled around and slapped my face.
You can imagine my embarrassment for having assumed that she wanted it out! Fortunately I was able to remedy the situation a few moments later when I did the logical thing and tucked it back in place while she fumbled with the credit card machine.
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom? "
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies,
what happens to them?
She said, " Most of them become taxi drivers! "
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
|
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Donald Trump. Shortest joke there is.
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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bentelbow
climber
spud state
|
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Oct 19, 2016 - 06:27am PT
|
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
“Alright officer, we’ll do it”
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
|
|
What goes, "clip clop, bang bang, clip clop?"
An Amish drive-by shooting.
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
|
|
"Keep well watered."
But I don't have a well...
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
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Nov 10, 2016 - 07:14pm PT
|
Child: "Daddy, how do stars die?"
Father: "Drugs, normally."
Officer fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job.
No exact details were given, but he was a high wanking officer.
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John M
climber
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Nov 10, 2016 - 07:16pm PT
|
Trump was right.
The Mexicans are building and paying for the wall.
To keep the Americans out..
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Nov 10, 2016 - 10:00pm PT
|
Live every day like it's your last.
Sooner or later you'll be right.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Nov 21, 2016 - 06:35pm PT
|
You know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz?
I was at his office, he told me he needed a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample. So I left my underwear and went home.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Nov 21, 2016 - 07:17pm PT
|
On my occasional shopping trips to Boise, I've been enjoying a great new supermarket.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Dec 17, 2016 - 12:32pm PT
|
What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car showroom?
Audi!
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 22, 2016 - 12:05pm PT
|
A blond is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Dec 22, 2016 - 12:12pm PT
|
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender..." I'm a narcissitic bully and totally unqualified but I can become President of these fair lands even if I get 2.9 million less votes then my opponent."
The bartender replies..."get outta here, you're already drunk."
And the joke is on who?
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:08pm PT
|
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:16pm PT
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
|
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|
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:17pm PT
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EdBannister
Mountain climber
13,000 feet
|
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:22pm PT
|
two Irish men walk out of a bar...
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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|
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:27pm PT
|
One Irishman to another:
"Mate, when I'm dead and gone, will you pour some fine whiskey over my grave on Saturday evenings?"
"Of course, my friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:35pm PT
|
Y'all think that shiz is funny, eh?
My great Uncle Jimmy worked at Jamison's. One day he fell into one of the big vats.
He bravely fought them off til the end.
When I went off to university me mum would write:
"Dear son, I know you can't read very well so I'm writing this slowly."
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
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|
Dec 26, 2016 - 10:10pm PT
|
"Daddy, how do stars die?"
"Drugs, normally."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Dec 26, 2016 - 10:39pm PT
|
How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A beard
Always the same clothes
Works one day a year
Sticker on sleigh: I do it in chimneys
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Dec 27, 2016 - 06:57am PT
|
There was a knock at the door.
"Mrs. Brennan, we have terrible news for you. While working at the brewery your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh! My poor husband! It must have been horrible!"
"Ay. We pulled him out three times."
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
|
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Dec 27, 2016 - 04:31pm PT
|
A couple of old jews are in the rest home, a widow and a widower. One day they get married.
On their honeymoon night, they begin fooling around, when the old window pulls up and says, "Now-a wait a minute Howie. There's-a one-a thing-a I gotta to tell-a you, Just-a so you-a know. When you're-a feeling up-a for a little hokey pokey, you-a know" and she knudges him, "you-a gotta a-squeeze-a my-a right-a tit. You-a squeeze it a-three-a times. OK. And-a if you-a don't-a want-a hokey-pokey, you-a know, you-a squeeze-a my left-a tit. a-One-a time. OK?"
"Yes, I think-a I understand-a you. OK, I-a squeeze-a your tit. Three times. Uh-huh, OK."
"And-a Brandy, there's-a one-a more thing-a for-a you. When you feel-a like-a little tussle, you-a know, you-a reach-a down here," and Howie puts his hand on his member, "and-a you-a know, you-a pull me, like-a two times, OK, when-a you-a wanna do it. You-a pull me two times." He nods. "And-a if you-a don't-a feel-a like-a messin' around, you-a know, you-a reach-a down and you-a pull-a me, like-a seventy-two times, uh-huh."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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|
Dec 27, 2016 - 05:12pm PT
|
The elderly couple explained to a divorce lawyer, that due to irreconcilable differences, they wanted a divorce.
The young lawyer, was somewhat surprised.
He asked how old they each were.
They explained that Pa was 88 & Ma was 87 years old & they had been married for seventy years.
The lawyer asked: "After being married for seventy years, why do you want to get divorced now?"
Ma leaned forward and replied:
"We were waiting for our children to die."
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
|
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|
Dec 27, 2016 - 07:47pm PT
|
That reminds me...
Customer in a restaurant: How do you prepare your chickens?
Cook: Oh, nothing special really. We just tell them they're gonna die.
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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
|
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|
Dec 27, 2016 - 11:07pm PT
|
^ Thanks Jim.
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|
kunlun_shan
Mountain climber
SF, CA
|
|
Mexicans were asked what they thought of the proposed wall.
They replied.
"We are very upset about it, but we'll get over it."
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|
nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
|
|
*
Alternative facts thread gone..
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|
Stupid Merican
climber
Crankloon, OH
|
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|
Feb 18, 2017 - 03:29pm PT
|
BUMP!
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses can't jump.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I come from a mixed race family.
My Mum did the 800m, and my Dad's Indian.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
9/11 jokes aren't funny.
But the other 2 are!
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket.
"Hey wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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|
Feb 18, 2017 - 04:04pm PT
|
A swami came untied from his rope and then he fell.
He should have used a bowline-on-a-coil, we could tell.
Now he's coiling kinky goldline down in hell.
|
|
BigB
Trad climber
Red Rock
|
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|
Mar 16, 2017 - 03:11pm PT
|
Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
A: Nothing.
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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Mar 27, 2017 - 06:42pm PT
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I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 27, 2017 - 07:19pm PT
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7SacredPools! That's a good stab at an Epipen joke, but I'm not sure readers will get the point.
However, I've got nothing but cartoons tonight.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Mar 29, 2017 - 06:46pm PT
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Puns for Educated?Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Mar 29, 2017 - 07:01pm PT
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Steve, this is a great collection!
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Aug 21, 2017 - 09:36pm PT
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Had a good chuckle with these...
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40"
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Aug 22, 2017 - 07:31am PT
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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A priest and a rabbi went on a long hike, when they get back to the trailhead they decide to skinny dip in the lake since no one is around... a bus full of the rabbi and the priest's youth congregation pulls up...so the priest covers his junk with his hands and the rabbi covers his face with his hands...the rabbi says "my congregation recognizes ME by my face...."
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L
climber
Tiptoeing through the chilly waters of life
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Sep 25, 2017 - 01:11pm PT
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Just received this one.....it's a little longer, but worth the read.
Cajones de Toro
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter, and called to the waiter.
"These are delicious," he said,"but they are so much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes, it is the bull that wins."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 25, 2017 - 01:48pm PT
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Just heard this morning...
Los Cojones del Burrito
A turista in TJ sees Tio Che sitting in the shade of a wall. His burro, Burrito, stands languidly by, swatting flies with its tail.
She approaches and asks to take his photo. He holds out his right hand and says two dollars, por favor. She pays him and takes the photo, then asks him what the time is.
Tio Che reaches over to Burrito, lifts his ball sack a couple of inches, and proclaims it is a quarter to twelve. This amazes her no end.
She finds her husband and returns and gives Tio Che another two bucks and asks the time. It is now noon, according to the burro balls.
The husband asks Tio Che how he can tell the time this way.
"Easy, senor. There's a clock in the church tower down the street, but this burro is in the way."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Oct 15, 2017 - 06:52pm PT
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As a senior ST member was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Honey, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate between here & the city."
"Please be careful!"
"No Schist!" screamed her husband, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them going the wrong way, & they are all coming towards me!!"
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Oct 16, 2017 - 04:17am PT
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If you are going to take a Mormon fishing it's better to take two. If you take just one he'll drink all your beer.
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Paul Ryan, Ayn Rand and Rand Paul walk into a bar
Bartender serves them tainted drinks because there is no regulation
They all die.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Norm, we want jokes, not facts.
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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OK an old junior high classic then.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they stink and they are ugly.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Nov 22, 2017 - 03:10pm PT
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Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
...because it was over 90°
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the museum
Trad climber
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Nov 22, 2017 - 05:58pm PT
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How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
the museum
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Nov 22, 2017 - 06:37pm PT
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A black man, with a pegleg, pirate hat, eyepatch, & a large parrot on his shoulder, goes into an uncrowded tavern & takes a seat at the bar.
The friendly bartender walks up, takes his drink order & after bringing the drink says:
"That's really something! Where did you find it?"
The parrot replies,
"Africa, there's millions of them over there."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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What do you call a white duck?
A quacker.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Baauuhh!"
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yosemite 5.9
climber
santa cruz
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Dec 10, 2017 - 06:16pm PT
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I hate being bipolar. It's great!
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throwpie
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Dec 10, 2017 - 06:20pm PT
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Bartender: can I get you a drink?
Jesus: waters fine.
(Jesus looks directly at camera)
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 10, 2017 - 06:51pm PT
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Then of course, that brings up this classic cartoon.
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Dec 10, 2017 - 08:06pm PT
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Ah Fritz, you know how to push my Kliban buttons...
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Dec 12, 2017 - 06:49pm PT
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Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks.
One drunk said, "Man, these steps are close together."
The other drunk said, "I can handle the steps, but why did they make the damn handrails so low?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 12, 2017 - 07:14pm PT
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Ghost! Kliban got a little obtuse at times, with his humour.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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Dec 13, 2017 - 11:06am PT
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What's the difference between onions and bagpipes?
No one cries when you chop up bagpipes.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Dec 13, 2017 - 02:11pm PT
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Why did the farmer get rid of all his chickens?
He wanted to be impeccable...
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 15, 2017 - 06:23pm PT
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From my British joke connection.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “ Perfect timing. You're just like Frank “.
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'.
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his f---ing widow.'
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Dec 15, 2017 - 06:32pm PT
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Finally, three decent ones in a row without some crankloon politard BS!
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2018 - 08:10am PT
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Eight years ago I never imagined this thread would still be going this strong. There's some quality jokes in this thing. Good work everyone. Keep it up.
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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Jan 19, 2018 - 12:16pm PT
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Did you hear about the guy who bought Neil Diamonds Volvo on E-bay.....He got a "Suede car on line"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jan 19, 2018 - 01:02pm PT
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No, but I heard one about a dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
That's a riddle...sorry.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jan 19, 2018 - 01:37pm PT
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During training exercises, a Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered a jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Officer: "Private, do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "Sure, mate."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”.
Sort of long ..........
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jan 19, 2018 - 01:42pm PT
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The wife says to her husband, "I want you to whisper dirty things to me."
And he replies, "Living room, bathroom, kitchen."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Jan 20, 2018 - 12:00pm PT
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You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jan 20, 2018 - 06:44pm PT
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A Fresno's family beloved Pitbull "guard-dog" died of old age.
After a day, dad tells mom, "I'm going climbing for a few days." "Go buy a new Pitbull to protect you & the kids, while I'm gone." "And give it to me for my birthday."
[Click to View YouTube Video]
It won an academy award!
With a running time of only two minutes thirty two seconds, it is the shortest animated short film ever to receive an Academy Award.
What are you bitching about.
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BigWall Chris 101
Trad climber
Vail
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Jan 22, 2018 - 06:40pm PT
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A mushroom walks in a bar, asks for a beer. Bartender says, sorry we don’t serve mushrooms. Mushroom says, Why not? I am a Fun Guy.
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BigWall Chris 101
Trad climber
Vail
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Jan 22, 2018 - 06:49pm PT
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What do you get when you put a Vest on a Alligator?
A investigator.
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BigWall Chris 101
Trad climber
Vail
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Jan 22, 2018 - 06:51pm PT
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If you’re American when you go in the bathroom and you are American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you when you’re in the bathroom?
European.
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BigWall Chris 101
Trad climber
Vail
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Jan 22, 2018 - 06:53pm PT
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Did you hear that Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce?
Yep, it’s true. Minnie is F*#king Goofy.
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BigWall Chris 101
Trad climber
Vail
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Jan 22, 2018 - 10:48pm PT
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I was making it short. Nature wants short ones. And my long version is better then yours, anyways. It’s not because Minnie is Mentally Isane. it’s just that the judge told Mickey and Minnie they needed a reason. There has to be a reason. You can’t get a divorce for no reason. Mickey told the Judge he did have a reason. Minnie is f*#king Goofy.
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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Jan 23, 2018 - 11:07am PT
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A young guy is sitting in a bar when a 60 year old lady walks in and asks him if he wants to go and have a good time at her house. He says he will pass on her offer. She says "have you ever had a wild mother,daughter threesome before?" Guy says "well now you got my attention" So they go to her house and when she opens the door she yells out "mom are you awake?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jan 26, 2018 - 11:24am PT
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I spent some time at my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
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labrat
Trad climber
Erik O. Auburn, CA
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Jan 26, 2018 - 12:39pm PT
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^^^^^^^^
Like!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jan 26, 2018 - 02:58pm PT
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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Rhino sitting next to him.
"Are you a Rhino?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The Rhinoceros replied, "Well, I liked the book."
They leave the theater and go into a bar for drinks.
The Rhino falls down dead drunk after a couple of boilermakers.
The man gets up and starts to walk out the door.
The bartender says, "Hold on, mister. You can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says, "That's not a Lion. It's a Rhinoceros."
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onyourleft
climber
So Oregon
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Jan 31, 2018 - 10:09pm PT
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jan 31, 2018 - 10:46pm PT
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Two takes on that for me!^^^^
--Blew Kazoo
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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'Do not touch' must be one of the scariest things to read in braille!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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There are blind skydivers. They can tell when they're near the ground 'cos the dog's lead goes slack......
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Well, not so short.......
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
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the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
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Why are gorillas' nostrils so big?
Well have you seen the size of their fingers!
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climber bob
Social climber
maine
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what's the leading cause of pedophilia ? sexy babies
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 3, 2018 - 07:54am PT
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wow... pushing 600. my longest op on the taco. strong work team!
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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A fine collection indeed. And that's no joke.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Henny Youngman, king of the "one-liners"
Getting on a plane, a man told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
He told her, "You did it last week!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A man pulls up to the curb in his car and asks a policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No" says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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What's the difference between a golfer and a climber?
The golfer goes Whack!!.......... Sh*t.
The climbers goes SH*T!!.......... Whack.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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What do you call a Japanese girl with a food-mixer on her head?
Blenda............
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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A guy walks into his neighborhood bar, and there's a beautiful woman there he's never seen before. He walks over, sits next to her, offers to buy her a drink, and she accepts. As they're chatting, every few minutes he raises his left hand and holds his watch to his ear for a few seconds. Finally she has to ask.
"What's up with the watch?"
"It's my special watch. It tells me things I wouldn't otherwise know."
"So, what's your watch telling you right now?"
He holds the watch to his ear... "My watch is telling me that you're not wearing any panties."
"Well then you'd better not trust that watch, it's wrong on that count!"
He looks at the watch quizzically. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's an hour fast...."
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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If you guess how many chickens I have in this bag, you can have both of them!
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SuperSpud
Trad climber
Cayucos, CA
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings", and a fiddle has "straangs".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy."
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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^^^LOL
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
Viola burns longer.
How many Juilliard School of Music students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One gets up on the ladder to do it, the other pulls the ladder out from under him...
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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AL MADRIGAL: TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
I got distracted by one of the hippie moms who was breastfeeding a kid that was way too old to be breastfeeding. You ever seen that before? It's disgusting. A child should not be old enough to comment on the quality. Like, 'Do you go to Cheesecake Factory, because this is delicious. It's like dulce de leche meets Riesling coming out of this thing, and I've got to say thank you.'
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10b4me
Mountain climber
Retired
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so a cop pulls over a speeding car, walks up to the driver and says "is that marijuana I smell in your car?" the driver reponds" no, but is that a jelly donut I smell on your breath?"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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How do you make a hotdog stand?
Take away its chair.
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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What do you name a boy with a small penis?
Justin
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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The Doc looks at his patient and says "Well, I have good news and I have bad news."
"I guess you better give me the bad news first."
"I'm very sorry, your condition is terminal and incurable. I don't think you have much time left."
The patient clears his throat. "What could possibly be good news after that?"
"You saw the hot blond out at the nurse's station, right? Well, I'm doin' her."
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TradEddie
Trad climber
Philadelphia, PA
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
You're not allowed spill beer on a violin!
TE
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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JON DORE: DAD THE DOG
Growing up, we named our family dog after my dad. Our dog's name was Dad. That got confusing, as you can probably imagine. Like one time at a family gathering, Dad crapped on the carpet. I wasn't there to see it happen; I was out walking the dog. Ruined Mother's Day. 'Mother' is our cat.
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mtnyoung
Trad climber
Twain Harte, California
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^^^
Jesus Clink, every time you post I understand a little bit more....
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 10, 2018 - 03:06am PT
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Here's one for Mntyoung,
FARMER JOE AND HIS MULE
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California, now Ireland
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Feb 10, 2018 - 03:31am PT
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I am a joke and I am short. Does that help? ;-)
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johnkelley
climber
Anchorage Alaska
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Feb 10, 2018 - 04:04am PT
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An Irishman walked out of the bar
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 10, 2018 - 07:37am PT
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THE PRAYING PARROT
A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:29am PT
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LOU DIMAGGIO: SPERMICIDE
The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort. 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:45am PT
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KENNY ROGERSON: SUICIDE SURPRISE
Last Thursday, there's an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, 'What's going on?' He says, 'Looks like your wife committed suicide.' I'm thinking, 'Oh great. Right before the weekend.' So I go down to the morgue to identify her body, and I spend half the day there browsing. The morgue guy pulls up the tray, pulls back the sheet, and I said, 'Yeah, that's her.' All of a sudden, he starts laughing. I said, 'What's so funny?' Next thing I know, the lights come on, she pops up -- 'Surprise! Happy Birthday!' I couldn't believe I fell for that two years in a row.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:52am PT
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AN ODD TALE
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
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Reeotch
climber
4 Corners Area
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:16am PT
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Inspired by a coworker:
You put the "I" in TEAMWORK.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:25am PT
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Clink, I trust you know that’s a common name in Norway (short for Oddvar)?
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:31am PT
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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 11, 2018 - 11:54am PT
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
After the delivery?
When does a dad joke become a mom joke?
When the punchline becomes transparent.
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WyoRockMan
climber
Grizzlyville, WY
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Feb 11, 2018 - 12:03pm PT
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Screaming barfies.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 02:10pm PT
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Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 11, 2018 - 04:52pm PT
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A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
The blade of the guillotine is raised and released. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. This is seen as a sign from God, and the priest is set free.
Next, the drunkard goes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. Once again, the blade stops inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the drunkard is set free.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. The executioner slowly raises the blade of the guillotine. Suddenly the engineer exclaims,
"Wait a minute! I see what your problem is."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:03pm PT
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Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? Have you heard from him lately?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:19pm PT
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FROG TALK
A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.
"Of course not," says the grandfather.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.
"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:42pm PT
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"Wait a minute! I see what your problem is."
F*cking classic. LOL
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Feb 11, 2018 - 07:18pm PT
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A Pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An Optimist sees the glass as half full.
An Engineer realizes that the glass is twice as large as it should be.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 06:59am PT
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HEAVEN VS. HELL
One night, God visits a preacher.
The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"
God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."
"What is Hell like?" he asks.
"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 12, 2018 - 09:42am PT
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A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
An optimist sees it half full.
A realist notes the glass is half full of piss.
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:37am PT
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Mrs.Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she calls a serviceman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”
When the serviceman arrives at Mrs.Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching him go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you idiot ugly bird!”
The parrot responded, “Get him, Apollo.”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 06:43pm PT
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I went into a cafe on the way home as I was a bit peckish, and ordered a hamburger.
The big fat ugly woman who was serving leaned into the deep freeze and pulled out a hamburger patty and stuck it into her armpit, smiled a toothless grin at me, and said : "Just defrosting it for a minute, young man ...."
A voice beside me pipes up : "Cancel my hot dog order then...."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
Then she asked me : 'Has your plane arrived yet?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, Good morning Madam and welcome to Walmart, nice children you have there, are they twins? The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, no, they ain't twins.. The oldest ones 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid? So I replied, I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:21pm PT
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dude walks into a bar, holding out his upturned palm to the bartender.
"Look what I just almost stepped in!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:27pm PT
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Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:51pm PT
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife...... the word is sternum."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 08:02pm PT
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This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:21pm PT
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Winemaker, that got a few laughs from my wife. I'm sure she thinks the $50 seems low :)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:28pm PT
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WIDOW'S FUTURE
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:30pm PT
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MARC MARON: NOT BUYING MY WIFE A GUN
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 14, 2018 - 05:29pm PT
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 14, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
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Dirtbag funnies.
Q: How can you spot a trad climber at a party?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Bouldering is like masturbation:
not as good as the real thing but you don’t need to worry about pro.
Q: What do you call a climber who has recently been dumped?
A: Homeless.
Q: How many climbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Climbers don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.
Q: How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A: He’s got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
My favorite?
Q: How many boulderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 7 — 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb and 6 to cheer him on.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:22pm PT
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MOUSE DROPPINGS
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
(Thought Mouse might enjoy this one :)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:29pm PT
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JORDAN RUBIN: DRUNK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY
They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell. They're like, 'Is she attractive?'
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dfrost7
Social climber
Long Beach, Ca
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
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What's the difference between a Kleenex and a tablecloth?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
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Snot alot?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
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TEXAN POETRY
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
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THOSE LOVELY FARMER'S DAUGHTERS
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 14, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
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A parrot wound up in a bird rescue. A woman came in looking to adopt, and was told, "The police brought him in after they shut down a brothel and nobody claimed him. He's tame and friendly but his language is a little, um, colorful..." She said, "Oh, I don't mind at all. Poor bird, he doesn't know what he's saying. We'll give him a good home."
She brought him home and set him up in a new cage. He climbed into his perch, preened, looked around and said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam! Hi, madam!"
Her two teenage daughters came home from school. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores! Hi, ladies!"
Then her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores, same old Larry! Hi, Larry!"
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DaveyTree
Trad climber
Fresno
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Feb 15, 2018 - 03:52pm PT
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I hate being bi-polar is awesome
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 15, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
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I went to a fight once
and a hockey game broke out!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 16, 2018 - 06:07am PT
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DIVORCE & CIRCUMCISION
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY
Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?
A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
BILL CLINTON'S DNA
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
THE JEWISH VOTE
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Feb 16, 2018 - 06:41am PT
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I'm still for hire, Cheap 'n wyde(Eye'd)
Oops . . .
I thought you were looking for short Johns
didn't have my glasses on
carry on
just don't shjt the mouse,
`
Oh -
& ya got that right Clinker;
`
O-b-lame-me? hah,it is all the bushes fault!
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Feb 16, 2018 - 11:35am PT
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How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take their little brooms away. [badda-boom!]
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 16, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
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A woman was sipping her glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says “I love you so much, you make my life so much better. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband smiles, touched by what he hears. He thinks “How sweet”.
He looks at her and asks, “Is that you talking or is it the wine talking?
She doesn’t look up but says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 16, 2018 - 06:28pm PT
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Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland at Bondi Beach in Oz couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedo and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
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Charlie D.
Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
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Feb 16, 2018 - 07:12pm PT
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Why does Trump have long orange comb-over hair?
To hide his circumsission.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Feb 16, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
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I fear for thou, Charlie D, thou hast incurred a most propitious post number,
or perhaps thou walketh a path immune to such mundane concerns.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 17, 2018 - 05:43am PT
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BLONDE LOVE-HANDLES
A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside. He says, "I will grant you three wishes."
The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear."
The genie replies, "Your wish is my command."
The blonde exclaims, "Holy s**t! What did you do with my ears?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 17, 2018 - 05:44am PT
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MEN & LAVA LAMPS
Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but they're not that bright.
PS; The back story on this joke catching my eye.
Two ladies, before me in line at Home Depot earlier this week, were buying a lave lamp. I was surprise Home Depot was selling them. The checkout gal was saying how cool lava lamps are, the discussion carried on for a minute after the transaction was finished despite the three
of us guys waiting in line.
From Home Depots site: Product Overview
The Original Lava Lamp! Its everchanging patterns are hypnotizing, yet invigorating. It is an art form. Classic and at the same time progressive. It is pre-historic and post-modern. Lava is the core of Lava Lite. Our Lava Lamps range from small to gigantic; from subtle to overwhelming. Each lava lamp is filled with our hypnotizing mesmerizing lava blobatude (goo for those less technical). Simply stated if you need lava we have got one for every nook and cranny in your pad. You must wait 4 hours after initial plug in of your Lava Lamp for it work properly. Perfect for relaxing, decorating, or light up a party.
Watch the different-sized formations of the melted wax collide, flow, and split apart as they ooze their way up and down the glass globe
Provides relaxing, soft light
:)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 17, 2018 - 06:30am PT
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MICROSOFTIE
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 17, 2018 - 06:33am PT
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MIKE DESTEFANO: FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN
Here's how a fundamentalist Christian tells you to go screw yourself. You ready? 'I'll pray for you.' That means 'F**k you,' in Christian.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 17, 2018 - 07:22am PT
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DEMETRI MARTIN: EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
JOHN OLIVER: GASTRONOMIC EVOLUTION
You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.
JAMES PATTERSON: ASTROLOGY
That's just what we need because humans haven't made up enough reasons to hate one another. Along with race, nationality, gender, sexual preference, religious or cultural differences -- now, if you're born in June, you're a prick.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA: ILLITERATE PEOPLE
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 21, 2018 - 06:49am PT
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KAREN ADDISON: WELFARE CASINO
They've opened up a new casino for people on welfare. When you put a food stamp in the slot machine and it lands on three babies, you win a block of cheese!
FRED STOLLER: USELESS FRIENDS
My friends -- they're useless. If I have a problem, they don't listen. They give me some stupid cliche expression. Like, I had a bad day. My friend goes, 'Tomorrow is another day.' Oh, thanks. I didn't know that. I was so scared. I see the stores closing, the sun going down -- I thought that was it. You mean there's more?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 21, 2018 - 06:51am PT
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DANIEL TOSH: TASTES LIKE ETHNICITY
If you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? Mexicans are spicy? Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? Chinese people: are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? Let's go everybody -- black people: taste like chicken... I did that joke one night and, of course, a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, 'What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?' I'm like, 'Listen, lady, my best friend is Cuban and that's close enough.'
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 22, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
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...and then I scarbled the garble!!! HAHAhahah
Gnomean?
Cheers!
DMT
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 22, 2018 - 06:45pm PT
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Gnome would never make fun of himself like that.
Nice try, though.
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 22, 2018 - 06:51pm PT
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I am more trollish than gnomish.
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 22, 2018 - 06:54pm PT
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What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 23, 2018 - 05:56am PT
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. Then he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, roar, step, step, roar, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the ring bear."
PREGNANT WIFE
A man phones his wife's doctor and says, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 23, 2018 - 06:01am PT
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ANTHONY JESELNIK: DIE A WINNER
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?'
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 23, 2018 - 06:09am PT
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LAWYER JOKE
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
BOOBS JOKE
A man saw a lady with big breasts.
He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner where she opened her blouse and the man put his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 23, 2018 - 11:08am PT
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WHERE BABIES COME FROM
A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? What were you told?"
The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard, and then, he puts it in Mommy's mouth... ."
Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 23, 2018 - 11:19am PT
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And you ask why the young heir bought his wife a solid-gold diaphram for birth control?
He enjoyed "coming into money!"
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Feb 26, 2018 - 03:31pm PT
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How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 27, 2018 - 05:35am PT
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FROG'S DREAM GIRL
A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 27, 2018 - 05:37am PT
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Q: What's round and snarling?
A: A vicious circle.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 27, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
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Having just spent some time in southern AZ & NM, I was fascinated by the history of the conflicts between the Apache & whites in the 19th century. I bought a book on the history of the conflicts & the Apache, that was recently written by an author, David Roberts, who has written two books on Anasazi culture & history.
Tonight, a childhood joke & Apache history came together on page 46.
"Apaches did not routinely name their babies at birth. Often two or three months passed before something in the child's behavior, or a significant event, suggested a name; even then it was provisional, and might be changed as late as the child's tenth year."
I then remembered!
A young Apache boy asks his mother about how he came to have a somewhat unusual name?
She replies: "Well, Two Dogs F*#king, it seemed like a significant name, at the time."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:42am PT
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Nice Fritz. I will pass that on to the Apache in-laws. One Dog Leg Humping, might do for a certain individual. :)
ANDI SMITH: CAMPGROUND
I don't know if you guys have ever been to a campground or not, but it's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.
MIKE SWEENEY: CANNIBALISM AFTER A CRASH
If you eat someone else in your airplane, do you get all their frequent flyer miles?
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 28, 2018 - 07:21am PT
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I'll keep this brief.
What do clouds wear under their pants?
Thunderwear.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 28, 2018 - 04:30pm PT
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Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”
Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
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Big Moe walks up to the door of a brothel and says "Big Moe wants to get f*cked".
The voice on the other side of the door says "Slide $50 under the door".
Big Moe complies.
Nothing happens.
Big Moe says "Hey, Big Moe wants to get f*cked!!!".
The voice on the other side of he door says "What, again?"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:28pm PT
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How does a lawyer sleep at night?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 28, 2018 - 08:35pm PT
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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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D.C. BENNY: RECENT TRIP TO JAMAICA
My most recent trip was to Jamaica. That was cool. I had a good time. I got stopped at customs, though. The lady was like, 'Are you bringing any drugs into Jamaica?' I was like, 'Drugs into Jamaica? That's like bringing Slim-Fast to Ethiopia.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Two nuns are driving through the forest in Transylvania in the fading light. Suddenly there is a SPLAT, and a huge hellish bat is stuck to the windscreen, blocking the view forwards. It has red eyes and pointed fangs.
They both scream and the driver slams on the brakes, frantically turning on the wipers and pumping the squirters. The bat very slowly works its way across towards the driver's window. "Nothing's working! Do something, anything!" shouts the driver. "Show it your Cross!"
Her companion rolls down the window, leans out, takes a deep breath and shouts, "Get the f&%ck off the bloody windscreen!!!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A screwdriver walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you"
Screwdriver says, "You've got a drink named Philip?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after hitting a car windshield at 80 MPH?
His arsehole.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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The Pope dies & of course goes to Heaven, but winds up dwelling in a small apartment with plain furnishings.
After a few weeks in Heaven, he runs into a Irish-American lawyer he had met during his time as a parish priest in the U.S. The lawyer invites him home for a drink & the Pope is outraged to discover this common man lives in a heavenly mansion full of beautiful women & fine liquors.
The next day the Pope seeks out St. Peter & complains bitterly about how a common lawyer is being treated much better than the Pope in Heaven.
St. Peter reaches out a big arm & kindly pats the Pope on the back. "My dear Pope," he says, "Please understand that we have dozens of Popes here in Heaven, but only one Irish-American lawyer.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"
The man says: "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense...
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Duck Off
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES,
WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION
ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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DAVE ATTELL: THE KKK IN ALASKA
They are bitter. Why? There's only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a meeting, and they're like, 'We gotta get Eric.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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HARI KONDABOLU: LOVE CHOCOLATE
I love chocolate. Here's why I love chocolate so much. You see, in this country, a person is assumed to be white unless otherwise specified. That's why I like chocolate. Because when you first think of chocolate, you think of something brown. And if you think of white chocolate first, well, then you're a racist.
MARIA BAMFORD: DEPRESSED AMERICAN KIDS
I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
MARIA BAMFORD: CHARITY ON CAMERA
Like most Americans, I like to help others while being televised. I'd like to go to an area of the world where they really need my help. Like, 'We're here in sub-Saharan Africa because people sometimes have to walk tens of hundreds of miles for food, water and basic medical care -- and that's why we've chosen this village for an EXTREME MAKEOVER!'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TIFF WITH RILEY
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Q: What do you have when you've mixed vodka and milk of magnesia?
A: A Philips Screwdriver.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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A distraught looking man, with a duck sitting on his head, bursts into a pyschiatrist's office.
Startled, the pyschiatrist looks up and says:
"Can I help you?"
The duck replies:
"Yeah! Can you get this guy's head off my ass?"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Clinker, for the love of Mary, learn to spell!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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I post 'em like I find 'em an only the gud uns.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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JONATHAN CORBETT: TRYING TO QUIT DRINKING
My family actually had an intervention. They were like, 'Hey, listen, we're Irish Catholic. What's this quitting sh*t? You're breaking your father's heart. Your sister's getting married in two weeks. There's an open bar. Cut the sh*t.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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T.J. MILLER: INDIAN GIVER
Called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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A commercial airline flight from Iowa to Toronto experienced a problem with a blonde passenger. This is how they handled it.
During the flight, a blonde woman got up from her seat in economy-class, walked up front to First-Class, sat down, wouldn't leave, and asked the stewardess for a drink.
When the stewardess asked to see her ticket, and informed her that she didn't have a ticket for First Class, the blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The flustered stewardess went up to the cockpit, and informed the pilot & co-pilot of the problem. The co-pilot left the cockpit, and went back and informed the obstinate passenger that she would have to return to the seat she had been assigned. The blonde told him: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot & stewardess went back to the cabin to discuss the matter with the senior pilot, and advised him to radio ahead to Toronto to be prepared to remove an obstinate passenger upon arrival.
However, the pilot said: "Let me talk to her. I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde."
The pilot went back and informed the blonde that she was sitting in First Class without a ticket, and would have to go back to her assigned seat or be arrested upon arrival in Toronto. She just said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
Then he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She immediately said "Oh!," and dutifully got up and returned to her original seat.
When the pilot returned to the cockpit, the amazed stewardess related what had happened, and asked him how he'd done it.
He said: "I told her that First Class wasn't going to Toronto."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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PETER JOHANSSON: CUSTOMS SECURITY SEARCH
When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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per fritz's joke above: why so few irish lawyers? (can't pass the bar)
also, lawyers in heaven?
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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"He's now president for life. President for life. And he's great. I think it's great. Maybe we'll give that a shot someday."
- President Donald Trump, referring to China's President Xi Jinping
(March 4, 2018)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?”
The German replied, “Ya, that vill not be a problem.”
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?”
“Ya, that vill be done,” says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Vhy, ya.”
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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^^^^^^
This
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docsavage
Trad climber
Albuquerque, NM
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Man goes to see his doctor, says:
'Doc, what's wrong with me?'
'Well, one thing, you're going to have to stop masturbating.'
'Why?'
'Because I'm trying to examine you ... '
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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What's worse then a hippie drum circle?
Nothing.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Post 54 on this thread, by Reotech.
Worth sharing again & again.
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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CORY KAHANEY: LAWYER HUSBAND RIP-OFF
I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it's like? It's like I finally banged a rock star, but he's with a Christian band.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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RON WHITE: CALLING HOME FROM THE ROAD
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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DAVE ATTELL:
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I once said that on a first date while climbing into the back of a girls 4Runner with her. Hilarious.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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What's the difference between erotic & kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
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Steven Amter
climber
Washington, DC
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What do you do with a giraffe with that has three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the donkey.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 10, 2018 - 08:03am PT
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MICHAEL KOSTA: DATING A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR
Went on a date recently with a woman in a wheelchair. And I stood her up. Not surprisingly, that's when she fell for me and, you know what, then it became a bit of a drag. But now we're on a roll.
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perswig
climber
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Mar 10, 2018 - 09:52am PT
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Monica’s voting...
Doesn't matter.
Women voters are vastly inferior to male voters.
Duh.
Dale
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Mar 10, 2018 - 12:28pm PT
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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hire a Mexican and have it done properly the first time.
Q: How many teenagers from northern California does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hella!
Q: How long do they take to do it?
A: For days man, for days...
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Mar 10, 2018 - 05:39pm PT
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Warbler, according to the spirit behind the song "I'm A Woman,"
just one woman could do all that and still find a way to bitch at you for not changing it yourself. :0)
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...she gets to hold the bulb while the world revolves around her.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 13, 2018 - 07:23am PT
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Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 14, 2018 - 09:14pm PT
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 14, 2018 - 09:20pm PT
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J.J. WALL: STUPID PREJUDICE
I think prejudice is one of the most stupid things on Earth because there are so many perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 15, 2018 - 07:58pm PT
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And the difference between Kellyanne CONway
& the Suez Canal?
The Suez Canal is a "Busy Ditch."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 15, 2018 - 08:02pm PT
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We've all seen some of the two-cow economy cartoons, but I saw some new ones (to me) today.
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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Mar 16, 2018 - 05:49am PT
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I'm having one of those "Murphys law" type days...You know,If anything can go wrong it will. Well has anyone heard of "Coles law"?...no..Well you start with Finely cut cabbage and....
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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Mar 21, 2018 - 12:48pm PT
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I asked my North Korean friend how things are going there.
He said "I can't complain."
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Mar 21, 2018 - 04:38pm PT
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This one time in n00b camp? Cosmic thought I was Gnome? LOL!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:15pm PT
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A real letter......
Great sense of wry humor in trying circumstances.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:17pm PT
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Two old dears in the back row of a cinema.
"Ethel"
"Yes Clara"?
"The young man next to me is masturbating".
"Ignore him Clara".
"I can't, he's using my hand".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
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A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:29pm PT
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
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Aussi chat up :
"Fancy a f*** Sheila"
"Not really Bruce, but seeing as you've talked me into it you silver tongued bastard ....."
___
Aussie foreplay: "Brace yourself Sheila!".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:50pm PT
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An Aussie ventriloquist is holidaying in New Zealand.
While driving past a farm on the South Island he sees a farmer on horseback rounding up sheep. Stopping to say hello he soon realizes the farmer has no time for Aussies and decides to have a bit of fun.
Aussie ventriloquist: “Sir, you seem to run a good farm here, can I speak to your animals?”
NZ farmer: “They’re animals you dumb Aussie, they can’t talk, but go ahead anyway”
Aussie : “ Hey horse! What’s it like working here?”
The Aussie then throws his voice to the horse and says....
Horse: “Yeah it’s not bad here, I get to run around the paddock, get good rub down, foods good and the barns warm at night”
The NZ farmer is completely stunned, he can’t believe his ears (and eyes)
Aussie to farmer: “Mate can I speak to your dog?”
Farmer: “Don’t think the dog can talk but go ahead anyway”
Aussie: “ Hey dog! What’s it like working here?”
Dog: “Yeah it’s not bad here, get to chase sheep all day, the foods good and the doghouse is warm at night”
Once again the farmer is amazed.
Aussie to farmer: “Mate can I speak to one of your sheep?”
Farmer: “The sheep are all damn liars, now bugger off.....”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 07:05pm PT
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 08:03pm PT
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Q: What do you call a kickboxer with no arms or legs?
A: Anything you want
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Trevbo
Trad climber
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:08pm PT
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How come there’s no trees in Afghanistan?
Cuz Osama been loggin’
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:32pm PT
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Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house?
Neither did she.
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
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What did Helen Keller say when she skied off the cliff?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Mar 21, 2018 - 11:24pm PT
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Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Seems legit.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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Mar 22, 2018 - 12:43am PT
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Why do Aussie males have girlfriends?
They're too lazy to masturbate.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 05:49am PT
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BILL GATES AND GENERAL MOTORS
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 06:01am PT
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JAN KAREM: PRE-HISTORIC DATES
In prehistoric days, they had no time-telling devices. How did you get it together for a date? You don't know when to be somewhere. You show up at your friend's cave; he's all upset. 'Where were you? You were supposed to be here before.' 'I didn't say I'd be here before. I said I'd be here later. It's barely now. I'm early.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 06:04am PT
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THE PRESIDENT'S DOG
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, ''come Spot, come Spot!''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 23, 2018 - 06:20am PT
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THE BUSINESSMAN'S MEDICAL PROBLEM
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:27am PT
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JOHN MULANEY: WOMEN FRIENDS
I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like 'Ocean's 11' with women wouldn't work 'cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:29am PT
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A CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psychopath.
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JC Marin
Trad climber
CA
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:32am PT
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DR: I've good news and bad news...
Patient: OK--what's the good news?
DR: You only 24 hours to live
Patient: Oh my God...what's the bad news?
DR: I forgot to tell you yesterday
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 12:30pm PT
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DISNEY WORLD & VIAGRA
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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Mar 24, 2018 - 07:46pm PT
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Why don't boxers have sex before a match?
They don't fancy each other.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 25, 2018 - 11:03am PT
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LOUIS RAMEY: ALL GAY PLATOON
If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gay platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my ass to think my ass is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?
DWAYNE KENNEDY: 9/11 REACTION
I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.
THE BILL CLINTON SALE
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?
A: All pants half off.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 25, 2018 - 11:09am PT
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DAVID FELDMAN: CLINTON-LEWINSKY SCANDAL
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
DAVE MORDAL: WORKAHOLISM
Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
:)
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Tom
Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo CA
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Mar 25, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
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Two bars go into a duck.
They were candy bars thrown by tourists.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 26, 2018 - 02:32am PT
|
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 26, 2018 - 02:33am PT
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THE BEST PUB FOR FREE DRINKS
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
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divad
Trad climber
wmass
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Mar 27, 2018 - 02:28pm PT
|
Why are lawyers declining to join the trump team?
Rats know when the ship is sinking.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 27, 2018 - 08:19pm PT
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DAVE MORDAL: ILLEGAL CIGARETTES
Isn't it amazing how cigarette smoking is becoming illegal, but marijuana's becoming decriminalized? Do you know that in a few years I'm going to have to pretend I'm getting high in order to enjoy a Camel Light? I'm going to have to take the filter off, twist the ends up -- 'For the next hour and a half, act like my I.Q.'s dropped 80 points.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 27, 2018 - 08:20pm PT
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I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 27, 2018 - 08:22pm PT
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JAMIE LEE: SPECIAL OCCASIONS
I only drink when it's a special occasion. Like when it's someone's birthday on Facebook.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 29, 2018 - 06:31am PT
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Bob M. A MAN, A DRINKER
I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, 'I am the man. I am a drinker.' And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, 'I got away with it.' And the toilet said, 'No you didn't. Get over here and pray to me, bitch.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 30, 2018 - 05:53am PT
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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God. I love my new Taser!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 31, 2018 - 10:45am PT
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SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST BRAIN CELLS
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
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RUSS MENEVE: CALLING ME NAMES
I had to fight this guy because he was calling me names from across the street, right? Then he calls me 'chicken' -- screw that, right? Instead of proving I'm not chicken, I crossed the road to get to the other side.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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THE MARINE SHARES A ROOM
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Three co-workers were on a multi-day business road trip together. One was Catholic, one an Evangelical Christian, & one a polygamist.
During a long stretch of driving through a desert & making small talk, the Catholic mentions with some wonder that he has 5 children, which is enough for a baseball team.
Without hesitation, the Evangelical says he has enough children for a football team.
After a few minutes of thought, the polygamist replies that he has lost track of his children, but he has enough wives for a golf course.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Little Johnny attended his first day of class as a proud 3rd Grader.
The teacher introduced herself as Miss Prussy, wrote her name on the blackboard, & then sternly added that any student who didn't remember her name would have to write it 500 times.
Little Johnny immediately thought:
Prussy? Prussy? ------ It's pussy with an r, I'll remember it that way!
All that day, that evening, & the next morning, Little Johnny kept repeating to himself, pussy with an r, pussy with an r.
After class started in the morning, Miss Prussy asked for a show of hands from students who remembered her name.
Little Johnny was so full of himself, he bounced to his feet & started waving both arms.
When called upon, he exclaimed:
"Of course I remember your name, it's Miss Crunt!"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 10, 2018 - 11:32am PT
|
As an airplane spun out of control and headed toward the ground, there were found only three parachutes to divide between the four passengers, who were the pope, Stephan Curry, Donald Trump and a ten year old boy.
Stephan Curry Curry said, “I’m the idol of millions of kids and fans. They need me. I deserve a chute.” The others nodded and he jumped.
Donald Trump looked at the others and said, “I’m the most liked man and the most powerful leader in the world. Not to mention the smartest president ever. I should have a chute. What would the country and the world do without me?” And so Trump jumped, too.
This left the pope and the kid. The pope said to the schoolboy, “I am very old and I haven’t many years left, while you are young and have a whole life yet to live. Take the last parachute with my blessings.”
As the Holy Father began the sign of the cross, the schoolboy piped up, “That’s okay, Your Holiness. There is one left for you, too. The country’s smartest president grabbed my bookbag.”
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yosemite 5.9
climber
santa cruz
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Apr 10, 2018 - 07:05pm PT
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A man is driving down the road when he sees a car on the shoulder with a flat tire. As he slows down he sees a blonde digging a hole near the car. He pulls over and offers to change the tire for the lady.
She says" That would be swell of you. Thank you."
"But ma'am, uh, why are you digging a hole"?
To which she replies "Don't I have to bury the dead one"?
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Apr 10, 2018 - 07:25pm PT
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This one time at Prove-you're-not-Schwarprema-before-you-get-banned camp?
No sh#t - there I was in the cross-hairs of The Great and Powerful Cos!
I wasn't the only on the Group W bench in the "soon-to-be-banned Camp" (where they put you if you may not be moral enough to stay in the forum after committin' your Schwarprema-like post), and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking posters on the bench there. Trip reports from Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible passive-aggressive-posting-type guys sitting on the bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said,
"Kid, are you Schwarprema?"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
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George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and Bill Clinton were on the yellow brick road, going to see the Wizard of Oz.
When they got there, the Wizard of Oz said they could each have one wish.
"I want to have brains," said George W. POOF! He got some brains.
"I want to have a heart," said Dick Cheney. POOF! He had a heart.
"I want to have courage," said Colin Powell. POOF! He had courage.
Finally it was former President Bill Clinton's turn.
"Well, what do you want?" asked the Wizard.
Clinton thought a moment and asked, "Ummm... Is Dorothy around?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:48pm PT
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Cosmic! That manip is a piss-poor joke!
Please post a joke or don't.
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Mule Skinner
Social climber
Bishop
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Apr 10, 2018 - 08:52pm PT
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What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 10, 2018 - 10:06pm PT
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?
The answer could get me banned.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 11, 2018 - 02:50am PT
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THE STATUES
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 12, 2018 - 06:07pm PT
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REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL... CHERRYBOMB
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 12, 2018 - 06:09pm PT
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COLLEGE PRIDE
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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Apr 13, 2018 - 10:22am PT
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 15, 2018 - 06:42am PT
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ORGANIC EXTERMINATORS
I'm trying to do my bit to save the planet. I called one of these organic exterminators. They advertise 'all natural, no harmful chemicals.' I got such a bad headache from that. All that stomping -- what a mess!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 15, 2018 - 06:44am PT
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WHO KNOCKED UP MY BEAR?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.''
''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 18, 2018 - 06:19am PT
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DANNY BEVINS: I'M NO MOUNTAIN CLIMBER
I just finished this book on climbing Mt. Everest. Now I'm no mountain climber, but I smoke and I live on the third floor, so I can kind of relate. Everest is a lot like laundry day.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 20, 2018 - 07:03am PT
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BRIAN KILEY: IDIOT TEACHER
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiot' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
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Wen
Trad climber
Bend, OR
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Apr 21, 2018 - 08:55pm PT
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From my 13-year old son:
Yo mama is so stupid concussions make her smarter.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 21, 2018 - 09:52pm PT
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So there I was, sitting around smoking cigarettes and popping the zits on my balls...
What, none of you guys have zits on your balls? Oh, uh, neither do I.
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
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Apr 22, 2018 - 06:45am PT
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Bad first lines to non-existent novels contest:
As Lewiston Creol plummeted down the sheer icy cliff, he pondered on the word plummet, but his pondering was interrupted by the surface of the water, at which point he ceased to plummet and began to plunge.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2017win.html
The small boat pitched violently upon the heaving bosom of the ocean, causing Johnson to reflect that, although he generally liked bosoms, he was getting really tired of the ocean's bosom, and wished that it would at least drop from a 44D to a 34B.
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.
Where to hide? was Ovinia's only thought as she raced madly across the field outside Aberdeen and up a grassy incline, frantically seeking escape from the man who was hell-bent on possessing her, on making her his and his alone, having succumbed to her beauty, drawn into near madness by the watery depths of her brown eyes and lured by the exotic perfume of lanolin and newly-mown hay which wafted from her thick coat as she grazed.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Apr 22, 2018 - 06:55am PT
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^ ^ ^ ^ Thats a fun thung , thnx for the Link . . ."U'LL Bhhe back"
The radio turned on, signaling the start to another day. All seemed normal, cool dark and undistigishable from the string of days just past. . .
I am no longer a 5.12 off the couch, rock Yo-Yo, but I play one on the
Torpor. . .
Torpor:
is a state of decreased physiological activity in an animal,
usually by a reduced body temperature and metabolic rate.
Torpor enables animals to survive periods of reduced food* availability.
(*for me, it helps to overcome the lack of giant red woods, soaring rock walls & tatsy budz from my own garden, I sure do miss ya NorCal)
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
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Apr 22, 2018 - 10:03am PT
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The Ig Nobel Prize
Ig Nobel Prize Winner Dr. Elena Bodnar demonstrates her invention (a brassiere that can quickly convert into a pair of protective face masks) assisted by Nobel laureates Wolfgang Ketterle (left), Orhan Pamuk, and Paul Krugman (right). Photo credit: Alexey Eliseev, 2009 Ig Nobel Ceremony
https://www.improbable.com/ig/winners/
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Apr 22, 2018 - 01:30pm PT
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A little boy writes to Santa
Dear Santa I would really like you to send me a little brother or sister for Christmas next year but my mother says I have to ask you. Santa replies, OK send me your mother.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Apr 23, 2018 - 04:14pm PT
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I'm not making this up. Really. Sarah Palin actually said this.
MALAYSIA FLIGHT THEORY by Sarah Palin
“I see all these smarty pants people on CNN saying that it was terrorism or a fire in the cockpit,” she explained to a bewildered Hannity, “but I don’t hear anyone talking about the God possibility. I mean what if they accidentally flew too high and got stuck in heaven?
“I’m no expert on international aviation. But I do know that God is up there looking down on us. And everyone knows that once you go to heaven you can’t come back. This would explain why we haven’t found any wreckage in the ocean and why no one saw the plane land."
“Sean, I think it’s incredibly arrogant for us as humble human beings to claim that we know how heaven works,” Palin responded. “How do you know there’s not a door to heaven in the sky between Malaysia and Vietnam?” —Sarah Palin
How do we not know indeed?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 23, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
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MITCH HEDBERG: BUYING DOUGHNUTS
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Apr 23, 2018 - 08:45pm PT
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Wino, I thought this was a joke thread? That ain’t funny, it’s sad, if it ain’t fake.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 26, 2018 - 07:41am PT
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VINCE MORRIS: DON'T DIE DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE
You ever hear people saying things like that? 'He died, but he died doing something he loved.' Like that's the best time to die, when you're doing something you love? No, you want to die when you're doing something you hate. I mean, if you're going to take me, take me in the middle of an audit.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 26, 2018 - 07:56am PT
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Every dead body on Everest was once a very motivated person.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 28, 2018 - 04:09am PT
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SHREWD INVESTMENT
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
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Kauait
Big Wall climber
salt lake city
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Apr 28, 2018 - 05:47am PT
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What do you get when you eat Beans and peanut butter?
A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says
“You guys need to learn your limits.”
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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^^^^^ That’s more like it! 😜
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Michelle Wolf:
“There’s also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess like father, like daughter.”
On being 32 years old:
“Ten years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.”
On Trump missing the dinner:
“Of course, Trump isn’t here, if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy you’re not allowed to grab.”
On the vice president:
“Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay.”
On Mitch McConnell:
“Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight. He had a prior engagement. He’s finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.”
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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I went to a bar to get a drink. I asked the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife!
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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^^^ Dangerfield!
My wife is a terrible cook. She made chocolate mousse, I got an antler stuck in my throat.
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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I can't win for losen'. I went to the bar last night to pick up a chick. She gave me her address and said "Come on over, there's nobody home". So I went over. There was nobody home!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear."
"Of course, John" his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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My wife told me she was going to cut back our sex to a couple of times a month. It could have been worse. A couple of guys I know she cut out all together.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favorite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when suddenly his wife smacked it with a wooden spoon.
"F**k off!!!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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My wife and I always smoke a cigarette after sex. I'm still on the same pack I had two years ago! But what really bothers me is my wife is up to three packs a day!
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Topic Author's Reply - May 1, 2018 - 03:11pm PT
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when this sucker hits 1K what's my prize? There's tons of quality jokes in here.
^^^ that one is hillarious
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Well nature, we're trying our best!
_
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."
"Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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What has 60 legs and no pubic hair ?
The front row at a Bieber concert.....
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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If you lock your dog and your missus
together in the trunk of your car for
3 hours straight, guess which one's
going to be really happy to see you
when you open it?
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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^^^^^
I just got that one.
Why did the Romans never use motor oil to grease the wheels on their chariots?
...they obviously preferred martyr oil.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Not to pick on blondes, but....
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Continuing the 'Blond' theme........
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Well, not a dumb blond joke, but still there is a blonde......
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Guess I'm on a blond run....
__
A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the sales counter, to ask what it was.
The salesman said, "Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow!", said the blonde, "That's just amazing! I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the very next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?", he asked.
"Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold", she replied.
Her boss inquired, "So, what do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee!", said the blonde.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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My last.
_
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to compose yourself."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to keep on working as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He pops into her office and finds the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!' exclaims the blonde. I just received a another horrible phone call! - from my sister. Her mother died, too!!"
I'm outta here.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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A brunette was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the sales counter, to ask what it was.
The salesman said, "Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
The brunette thought about that statement for a little while, then asked:
"How does it know?"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Last night I got into a cab. The cabbie asked me if I had any naked pictures of my wife. I said, "No!" He said, "You want to buy some?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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WANDA SYKES: ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE THAT BIG?
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh -- don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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BLONDE PAINTS A PORCH
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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RENE HICKS: AMISH IRONY
Now that's an extreme religion: Amish. Oh my God, it's against their religion -- it's a sin for them -- to ride in a car. Then I heard an Amish guy got hit and killed by a car. Isn't that ironic? That would be like a Jewish person being electrocuted by some Christmas lights or a Catholic choking on a condom -- just ironic.
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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So I was walking along the river the other day and I saw this blonde girl across the river, she looked pretty good so I yelled, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
She looked around, she looked at me and yelled back, You're on the other side."
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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Dating for me is really rough. I dated this girl who was so fat that whenever she put on high heels she struck oil!
She was so fat that when I met her at the Macy's parade she had ropes tied to her!
She was so fat that the day I took her to the beach people asked, "What did you use for bait?!"
She was so fat that she was standing on the street corner and the cops told her to break it up!
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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What is the Amish word for a guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
Mechanic.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly, "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said, "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered, "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began
by saying to the man "Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid
under the table.
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just
walked in."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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ARJ BARKER: FREAKY SIGN
I was actually in my car today, and I was just driving, and I noticed a guy on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign that said, 'Where will you spend eternity?'. And that kind of freaked me out because I was on my way to the DMV.
DANE COOK: IN THE YEAR 3000
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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NO BACKSEAT BLONDE
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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My wife and I are trying to teach our dog to dance,He is not that good, He has two left feet...
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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MYQ KAPLAN: FIGHT IGNORANCE
I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate -- like the Asians do.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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What's the differnce between Sarah Palins mouth and her pu ssy?
Only one retarded thing ever came out of her pu ssy.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the fortune teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TALIBAN SNIPPET
How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Two men break into a distillery. One turns round to the other and says "Is this whiskey?"
The other one says "Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Me great-uncle Paddy worked at Jameson's. One day he fell into one of the large vats.
He bravely fought off all attempts to pull him out.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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If you ever feel powerless , just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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May 10, 2018 - 05:31am PT
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay very still and try to look like kale.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 10, 2018 - 07:11am PT
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It is very important to hike grizzly country with folks who run slower than you.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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May 10, 2018 - 02:14pm PT
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What are the three biggest lies in the world?
1. The cheque is in the mail.
2. I love you.
3. I promise that I won't come in your mouth.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 11, 2018 - 06:05am PT
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JULIAN MCCULLOUGH: BRAIN CAN'T DREAM
Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 11, 2018 - 06:23pm PT
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The vet comes out to the waiting room. "Herr Schroedinger, about your cat." "I have some good news and I have some bad news..."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 11, 2018 - 06:29pm PT
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Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
Cop: Excuse me Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
WH: No officer, but I know exactly where I was!
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 11, 2018 - 07:25pm PT
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 11, 2018 - 08:08pm PT
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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May 12, 2018 - 07:26am PT
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 12, 2018 - 08:53am PT
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JEFF ROSS: CANADIAN PORNO
Watched a Canadian porno movie yesterday. That was cool -- two girls, one Stanley Cup.
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Rollover
climber
Gross Vegas
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May 12, 2018 - 11:44am PT
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 13, 2018 - 07:48am PT
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JOHNNY BIG HEAD
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No, you don't, Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
JIM NORTON: POSITIVE PROFILING
We just don't like negative profiles. You've never heard anyone complain about a positive profile. 'Hey uh, is that your kid? He looks kinda smart.' 'Whoa, whoa, whoa, him? No, no -- his mother drank the entire time she was pregnant with him.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 13, 2018 - 08:06am PT
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GOD'S DEAD DOG
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
AMY SCHUMER: FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 08:37am PT
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What does an Italian bumble bee sound like. Buzza, buzza, buzza.
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 08:57am PT
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Hey, did you hear the latest about Tammy Faye Bakker ?
They took all hear make-up off and found Jimmy Hofa underneath.
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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May 13, 2018 - 08:59am PT
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The Indians finally caught the Lone Ranger and staked him out in the village to torture.
He asked if he could have cigarette before they began, and started furiously blowing smoke signals.
Suddenly, Tonto came charging into the village, threw a naked woman on top of him, and kept going.
The Lone Ranger yelled "Damit Tonto! I said posse, P-O-S-S-E!"
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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May 13, 2018 - 10:06am PT
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First Day At Harvard Vinny Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University.
On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library. He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said,
"Hey piasano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?"
The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?"
"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian. "Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa as#@&%e?"
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 12:08pm PT
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thank you thank you Thank You.
Laughing so hard I fell off the chair and broke my middle finger.
I'm on my way to the E.R.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 13, 2018 - 09:48pm PT
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeep says "you're in here pretty often, think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am', but to explain that part first would be to put Descartes before the horse.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 14, 2018 - 07:20pm PT
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LISA LANDRY: NOT READY FOR CHILDREN
My husband wants a baby. He's older so he's ready to have a baby. I'm not ready at all. I'm too irresponsible; I'd make a horrible mother. I'd probably forget to pick the kid up from therapy.
CHRIS HARDWICK: RESPECT FOR LATINOS
I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 15, 2018 - 02:58pm PT
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 15, 2018 - 07:01pm PT
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RICHARD LEWIS: LET IT OUT
If you make love -- if you're lucky enough to have a partner -- let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 06:54am PT
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TWO SOUTHERN LADIES
Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says, "When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady says, "When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says,''well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says, "So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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May 18, 2018 - 07:06am PT
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One evening after dinner, a five year old boy asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"
His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied the boy for a moment,
but then he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
His father figured a simple explanation would be best the best approach.
"Well son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
The boy burst out laughing. "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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May 18, 2018 - 04:47pm PT
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Whats the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 18, 2018 - 06:49pm PT
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A college professor reminded her class of the importance of the final exam.
'I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write on the test paper with your other hand.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 09:29pm PT
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KRISTIAN VALLEE: EXTRA CREDIT
Kids are chasing me down. 'Mr. Vallee, Mr. Vallee, what can I do for extra credit?' 'Jimmy, you got 98% in my class, OK? Unless you got Salma Hayek or a bottle of Captain Morgan in your backpack, I can't do anything for you.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 09:30pm PT
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MIKE VECCHIONE: DON'T MIX
I was bad in algebra because I like my letters in words. I like my numbers in problems. I don't like them mixed. Some things in my life I like on their own, I don't like them mixed. I like gay people. I like porno. I do not like gay porno. For the same reasons that I don't like algebra: I don't know what plugs into where for what reasons.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 20, 2018 - 05:56am PT
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TIMES WHEN THE F-WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 20, 2018 - 05:28pm PT
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An economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the salesgirl that he is an economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The smart salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or Democratic bra?"
Of course, our economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"
Salesgirl: "Sir, capitalistic bras suppress the masses, socialistic bras uplift the downtrodden, and Democratic bras makes mountains out of molehills."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 20, 2018 - 08:56pm PT
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Jack was born with a cleft lip aka hair-lip & his family was so poor, they could never afford surgery to correct his condition. But Jack was a tough kid & grew up wanting to be “the world’s toughest hair-lip!”
At age 19, a super-aggressive & well-muscled Jack was having a big night in a bar, when another well-muscled fellow walked in. Jack decided to have some fun with the new patron, a big blond hippie, who strangely, was toting a sledge hammer.
Jack stood in front of him & lisped: “Hey hippie, what’s with the hammer? You too big a pussy to visit a sports bar without a weapon.”
The hippie tossed the hammer over Jack’s head, & swung a haymaker at Jack. While the two were trading punches, the hammer suddenly hit Jack in the back of the head, on its way back to the hippie’s hand. After Jack woke up, he looked up to see the hippie standing triumphantly over him.
With wonder in his voice, Jack lisped: “You really kicked my ass, who the hell are you?”
The hippie roared out: I’m Thor!
Jack weakly said: “Fuk man, I'm ------really thore too.”
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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May 21, 2018 - 06:28am PT
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A philosophy professor was pontificating to his class about how logical negation works, and he said, "In every natural language, a double-negative is a positive. But in no natural language is a double-positive a negative."
From the back of the lecture hall was heard, "Yeah, right."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 22, 2018 - 06:21am PT
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LITTLE JOHNNY... MAKE A SENTENCE
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 23, 2018 - 04:06pm PT
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Yeah, modification of a previous joke, but still, we are getting older...........
A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 23, 2018 - 04:11pm PT
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^^^^^ HaHaHa! I thought you were going to say:
“Get me a bottle of Petrus!
(OK, so I can’t count)
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 24, 2018 - 03:39pm PT
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A 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbour?
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 25, 2018 - 09:05pm PT
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SUMMER SCHOOL FOR SLACKERS
Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keep money flowing into our institution we've created a summer program that any slacker could pass.
New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you might think once you've learned the theory. Learn techniques that the pros use, and play with confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games"
THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ORGASMS: What happened to the pleasure of the Roman woman after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences from her own marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it. Pre-Requisite: Bitter Relationship
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on things labeled "work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: Motor Skills
MUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doing nothing for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THE STOMACH also, be on the lookout for . . .
THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS -- An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBS DOWN: post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: finding change for a dollar THE STATISTICS OF POLLS -- A survey course.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 28, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
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CHRIS HARDWICK: PRIEST TEACHER
All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest -- with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 31, 2018 - 07:20am PT
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A driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Pfizer and Jack Daniels have got together to produce a whiskey with Viagra in it.
That way, after a tough day, you can sit down and pour yourself a stiff one.
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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Why is the Trump Russia probe taking so long?
Because the investigators are still muelling it over!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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LITTLE JOHNNY... NAME THAT ANIMAL
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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B.J. NOVAK: LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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recipe for toilet paper . . .
brown on one side
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Gene
climber
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Jun 11, 2018 - 08:18pm PT
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Justify has turned down an invitation to the White House.
When asked why, the Triple Crown Winner said "If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would've finished second."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 14, 2018 - 06:41am PT
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JEFF STILSON: NAMING THE BABY
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 15, 2018 - 06:51am PT
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JEFF STILSON: MEN IN THE DELIVERY ROOM
I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it's like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim. You just stand there and peer into that void. 'God, I hope that one's mine.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
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JEFF STILSON: BLAMING THE PARENTS
There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 16, 2018 - 06:20am PT
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LISA DELARIOS: STUFFED ANIMALS
If I were eight years old, that would be my ultimate fantasy -- to have my very own paralyzed dog. 'Cause, you know, your stuffed animals -- they're cute and fluffy, but they're not alive.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 16, 2018 - 07:28am PT
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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Jun 16, 2018 - 08:46am PT
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I pulled my head out of my ass and said, "NO SH#T".
The other day I was talking to myself and I said, "SELF."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jun 16, 2018 - 06:39pm PT
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Y’all know the ‘toothbrush’ was invented in Arkansas, right?
If it had been invented anywhere else they woulda called it the ‘teethbrush’.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 16, 2018 - 07:56pm PT
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Totally by accident, I happened to walk into our camp, while my best friend was having vigorous outdoor sex with his wife.
Unfortunately, 5 minutes later, they both suddenly noticed me standing 20' away.
We were all so embarrassed by this happening, that none of us brought it up during our climbing trip.
A couple weeks later, after drinking quite a bit of wine with my best friend, he finally brought up the incident, saying:
“So, do my wife & I have a career in porn.”
I thought for a while, & shuffled my feet, then replied:
“The good-news is: you don’t ever have to worry about me wanting to have sex with your wife.”
“The bad-news is, you likely don’t have a career in porn.”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 24, 2018 - 08:02am PT
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THE BRASS RAT
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 24, 2018 - 08:52pm PT
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There once was a man from Trent. His c*#k was so long, it bent. When he was in trouble, he tucked it in double. So instead of cumming, he went.
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Mill Valley, Ca
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Jun 24, 2018 - 10:37pm PT
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Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
A. She fits into your wife's clothes.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 01:20am PT
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French revolution.
A Priest, a lawyer, and an engineer stand, each waiting their turn at the Guillotine.
The Priest is led into position, the blade is dropped, and miraculously it stops just short of his neck. Praising God for his salvation, he walks away. The same happens for the lawyer.
All the while the engineer has been watching. When they come for him he says "I see what your problem is..."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 06:28am PT
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JULIAN MCCULLOUGH: FRIEND REQUEST
I checked my Facebook this week, and I had a friend request. I was like, 'Still got it.' So I clicked on it, and it was a cat. And my real thought, I'm not even kidding, was, 'I don't know this cat.' I was suspicious 'cause I didn't recognize it. So, I went through its pictures to see if I recognized any cats it was hanging out with.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 04:57pm PT
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FOOTBALL FAN TO THE RESCUE
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 30, 2018 - 08:29am PT
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THE SCIENTIST AND THE FROG
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 30, 2018 - 09:54am PT
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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears”.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 30, 2018 - 11:12am PT
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MIKE BIRBIGLIA: PANDA BEAR SEX
One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn't be that excited either. I'd be like, 'Oh great, she looks exactly like me.'
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Marlow
Sport climber
OSLO
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Jun 30, 2018 - 11:14am PT
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Here's to wit...
Lovisa Persson in her worst battle mood saying to Anderssonskan:
"You, fat cow, put your ass where your head is, then maybe you would look better"
Anderssonskan, answering superiorly:
"Ack, that’s what I did yesterday, but then someone passing me said, “but isn’t it Lovisa Persson who is out walking” "
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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THE TALENTED PARROT
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TALKING ANIMALS?
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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nafod
Boulder climber
State college
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Guy shows his friend a hand full of dog sh#t and says, "Look what I almost stepped in."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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DUCK-HUNTING DOG TELLS ALL
A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.
They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.
At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.
At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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I THINK I'M A MOTH
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TURTLES AND PICNICS AND A MINOR TRAGEDY
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Knock knock
Who is there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you would never forget
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't phucking spank him."
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Two California farmers are having a discussion.
Farmer Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is meets with the Dean of Administration, who after some questions, explains to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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Good one Jon
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BDTN
Mountain climber
Mesa AZ
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Who was the first person to download information from the cloud to a tablet
Moses
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Here's a better Christian joke:
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TWO RIBBONS
A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly. The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his balls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his balls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.
After a while, her husband comes home drunk. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his balls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his balls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his balls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its in-flight menu to include a Vegan burger.
Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, as long as the Vegans are humanely killed.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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MICHAEL PALASCAK: HYBRID SUVS
They make hybrid SUVs but everything I read was like, 'Well it's not like the most awesome SUV and it's not like the best hybrid.' It's like, 'Here's a donut it's healthy just eat the middle air part. Zero calories in that air right there, smells just like a donut.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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RYAN STOUT: IF ANIMALS COULD TALK
I saw an advertisement; it said: 'If animals could talk, we'd all be vegetarians.' Oh, isn't that cute? Too bad that's not true, right? I think if animals could talk they would tell us which other animals taste frigging great.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 11, 2018 - 09:29pm PT
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PAT HAZELL: FOUR-PACK OF TOILET PAPER
I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: 'Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 12, 2018 - 03:04pm PT
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DOV DAVIDOFF: TRY LAMB SKIN
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry,'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 04:27pm PT
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Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 04:37pm PT
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for
a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:00pm PT
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Don't know if this is true or not. Still.......
__
This was reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently.
Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!!!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about her being dead?'
MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)
After MBNA gets the fax:
MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:35pm PT
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John walked into a pub around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at John and said "Do you think he'll jump?"
John said "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."
John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 bill to John. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
John replied "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
John took the money.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:36pm PT
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Two blonde pilots are trying to land an airplane.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the one blonde screams to the other blonde, "Bambi, pull up, the runaway is ending!"
She swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the first blonde screams again, "Get the plane up, Bambi, the runaway is ending!"
The second blonde swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the second pilot says, "This is so dumb, Candi, they build this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."
"I know," answers Candi, "But look how wide they made it!
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 12, 2018 - 07:55pm PT
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For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.
I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fukin’ bike.”
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 14, 2018 - 12:45pm PT
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I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 235 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:16pm PT
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That's a bigoted joke against blondes. So?
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOlympia"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:23pm PT
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Might as well offend the Scotties too:
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.
Edited to add: I know it's a beautiful Saturday but I'm really not wasting it in front of the computer!!! Just got back from 50 miles in 98° heat. Amazing how cool it is while riding, but how you turn into a soaking rag when you stop. Thanks Yakima low humidity!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:46pm PT
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How about Indians (from India)? Although, really, this is not a mockery.
A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in downtown New Delhi .
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 07:37pm PT
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Here you go Cosmic, mocks no one.
_
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Argentinian, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Canadian, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Finn, a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a blonde, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.
"Why not?" they say.
The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
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Even more Cosmic!!!!!!!
A husband and his blonde wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The couple meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's tits".
The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The pro says "Excellent!"
Now the blonde takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The pro then says "Not bad, but now try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The pro says "Ok, now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
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Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:55am PT
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VIC HENLEY: WHAT EVERYBODY UP NORTH THINKS
Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps, dipping Skoal, picking cotton, riding around in pickup trucks, having sex with our relatives, and looking for UFOs. And that's not true -- it's not -- I've never seen a UFO, and second cousins don't count.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
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What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 11:52am PT
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WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD...
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Jul 15, 2018 - 12:06pm PT
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:25pm PT
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DOUBLE WIDE
Q: What is a double-wide salad?
A: It's for people who can't afford a house salad.
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G_Gnome
Trad climber
Cali
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Jul 15, 2018 - 07:03pm PT
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Winemaker, you are killing it lately. Even if some are biased against blondes.
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Jul 16, 2018 - 08:06am PT
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So what do you have when there is a redneck on the floor with beer coming out of both sides of his mouth?
You know that the trailer is level.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 17, 2018 - 05:34am PT
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THE COWBOY'S LAST WISHES
A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos intent on killing him. In their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests.
For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman. The cowboy spent the night with the woman.
The same thing happened the second day. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled "You stupid horse! I said 'posse!'"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 22, 2018 - 02:53pm PT
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 22, 2018 - 05:47pm PT
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Teacher asks class to think a little laterally and answer the question, "How can you put 2 holes in one?".
After no one could answer, she made a ring with her finger and put it around her nostrils and said, "That's how".
Little johnny excitedly raises his hand and says, "Teacher teacher! Wanna know how to put 7 holes in one?".
The teacher was stumped, so little johnny says, "Take a flute and shove it up your arse!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 22, 2018 - 07:08pm PT
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So, Bob forgets his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Nutty
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Jul 23, 2018 - 08:53pm PT
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Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, I have a plan to help us win the mid terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.
“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Chuck..
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.
Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two arsholes!”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 04:59pm PT
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 05:18pm PT
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Wino, THAT VERY woman was seated next to me on a flight to Vegas! As we’re rolling down
the runway I told her to turn off her damn phone. She turned to me and said “Why?”
It wasn’t a joke - you can’t make that sh!t up.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 07:50pm PT
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Yeah, was she sitting in the exit seat? I tried to send you wine once, but you never responded to my pm. If you're ever in the Yakima area give me a call. I'm hoping to nail 1000!!!
Edited to add: Flew a Qantas flight from Auckland to LA in the window seat trapped by a 300 pound woman whose greasy arms overflowed the arm rest and whose inability to get up from a center seat without great panting and agony caused me to fly for twelve hours without pissing. Qantas, after I wrote them and explained what had happened, sent me a $500 voucher. I suggested they should institute a butt measuring thing similar to the carry on baggage gauge; they said they couldn't because of discrimination rules ... but they got the humor.
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:01pm PT
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I'm always open for more wine. And Yakima ain't that far...
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:06pm PT
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Nice try, but Mornington Crescent suggests otherwise........
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:23pm PT
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Nice try, but Mornington Crescent suggests otherwise........
Yeah, the tube doesn't run from here to Yakima...
Okay, the tube here hardly runs anywhere, but I do have a car, any Yakima is on the way to Tieton...
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:30pm PT
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Okay, I'm convinced. If you're in Mighty Tieton let me know and we'll do something.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:30pm PT
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Wino, I appreciate your kind offer. ST PM doesn’t work. I get up there fairly regularly so maybe I can pick it up in poison? Is El Tapatio still cranking out tortillas in Toppenish? BITD they had a little food stand too - best burritos evah! You had to know it was there - many of my homies were from Yakima.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:37pm PT
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Hey Reilly, if you're heading this way let me know. Yeah ST PM is not the best. I sort of stay out of Toppenish unless I need gas; the murals drive me nuts. I hesitate to publish email stuff, so if you're going to be in the area post something; here is good and I'll give you an email address.
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Pennsylenvy
Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
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R: Why did the chicken blow donald trump?
A: To see if he could get to the other side of the road
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Jul 26, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
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yeah You never can tell what sort of riff-raff might be lurking, better not post any email ee type information . . . hows the air up there?
guessing your not going to be in touch but Gnome ofthe Diabase the whole thing no spaces or capital letters, ampersand G mail dot com.
i saw, "Orphanator" so true, terribly so true> Making innocents into sociopaths, mass murders of women & children, out of kidnapped children. The DeVose Family is profiting off the carnage and will be stealing the kids left over for their private armies...
No,No,Exit
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 26, 2018 - 09:06pm PT
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Hey, thanks guys, that was great to get the addresses. If any of you are in the area please let me know and we'll do something.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 27, 2018 - 01:14pm PT
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To redeem myself from the above:
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 27, 2018 - 01:42pm PT
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer, and so on.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says
'You guys need to learn your limits.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 27, 2018 - 02:37pm PT
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From my daughter Rachel;
What is a homeless person's favorite food?
Corn on the curb.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Jul 28, 2018 - 10:15pm PT
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A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500mph and 33000 feet when an F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
Deciding to show off, the young fighter pilot radioed the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, vertical climb. He finished with a sonic boom in a steep dive.
The young F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 500mph, and finally the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee with a cinnamon roll and then secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Chinese sick leave
Ho Chow calls into work and says "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:08pm PT
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Diner: "I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts, and I'm a vegan. What can I get?"
Waiter: "The f outta here."
(Thx Guido)
edit--I don't suppose, on second thought, that it's a very funny joke. I mean, here's this poor guy, allergic to nature's bounty...but then, he's a vegan by choice, so that's lame...gee, maybe I should delete...nah, maybe someone will think twice before posting a lame joke...aw, just f it.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
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Rodney:
“I hadda rough childhood, rough I tell ya! My dad took me to the zoo.
They thanked him for returning me.”. <rim shot>
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looks easy from here
climber
Ben Lomond, CA
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:48pm PT
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mfm, easy fix: just change it from "I'm allergic to..." to "I don't eat..." That takes it instantly from unfortunate to jackassery.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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easy for you to say...
Soviet Jokes
A frightened Ivan came to the KGB.
"My talking parrot has disappeared," he said.
"This is not our case," says the KGB, "go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me," says the man. "Of course I know I have to go to the
criminal police. I am here just to tell you officially that I
disagree with my parrot."
Following his visit to the KGB, Ivan went to a shop for some food.
"You have no meat?" he asked the sales lady.
"No," she said. "We haven't any fish. The shop across the street is out of meat. They had parrot yesterday, though."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Mouse, that server joke is gold.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went...
Then it dawned on me.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 17, 2018 - 10:16am PT
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 17, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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Oct 17, 2018 - 02:39pm PT
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Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, even as a child. When he was born, the doctor smacked him on the back. He found out later the nurse got in a few whacks too.
His Dad took him to the zoo, hoping his real parent would claim him.
When he was playing in his sand box, the cat kept trying to cover him up.
The day he got lost at the beach, he asked the cop trying to help him find his parents, he asked the cop, "Do you think we'll find them?". The cop said, "I dunno kid, there's so many places they could hide".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 01:27pm PT
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Toward the end of his Sunday church service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?
“Ninety-eight." he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them as#@&%es" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
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zBrown
Ice climber
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Oct 18, 2018 - 07:59pm PT
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From the wall above the urinal
Don't look here the joke is in your hand
Short enough for ya?
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 08:17pm PT
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I need some DNA - short ones
Sorry, wrong thread.
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JC Marin
Trad climber
CA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 10:29pm PT
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What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?
Dude...this music sucks man.
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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Oct 19, 2018 - 08:20am PT
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Oct 19, 2018 - 09:04am PT
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Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Oct 19, 2018 - 09:21am PT
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“If you like to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map.”
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Outside the Asylum
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Oct 30, 2018 - 06:13pm PT
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a northern university.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, somebody made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided on an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they met to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, on crutches, and with various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and with an IV drip in the other arm.In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus ... Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 30, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
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So, I'll bite. Who's there?
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fragglerockjoe
Trad climber
space-man from outer space
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:24pm PT
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oh sorry about that...
"knock knock"…
Mouse "who's there?"
"Bat"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
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Bat. So what?
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fragglerockjoe
Trad climber
space-man from outer space
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:27pm PT
|
Batter open the door. Happy Halloween!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:31pm PT
|
Twick or Tweet, baby!
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fragglerockjoe
Trad climber
space-man from outer space
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:39pm PT
|
What is a ghosts favorite desert?
BOO!Berry pie.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Did you know Oranges are actually male or female.
If it squirts in your eye without warning, it’s a male. And if it’s bitter for no f*#king reason, it’s a female.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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As the salesman settled in to his seat, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman, ever, boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "
"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Nov 11, 2018 - 05:13pm PT
|
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Nov 11, 2018 - 05:17pm PT
|
Wino wins this round.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Nov 12, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
|
What did the Japanese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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Dec 26, 2018 - 09:48pm PT
|
Scientists crossed a Guernsey with an octopus
and got a self-service cow.
They crossed a rabbit with a skunk
and got a dirty look from the rabbit.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Dec 26, 2018 - 10:20pm PT
|
match.com hooked up a climbing guide with a Harvard law grad.
She said, “So much for THAT bull pucky!”
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Dec 27, 2018 - 01:56am PT
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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they just beat the room for being black.
Food groups for the LE Community--
Jelly, powdered, glazed and chocolate frosted.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Dec 27, 2018 - 09:15am PT
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The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle. He turns to the Cardinal and asks, "What's a four letter word for woman that ends with 'unt'?"
The Cardinal says, "Aunt."
The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Dec 27, 2018 - 09:27am PT
|
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."
He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay?"
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Mtnmun
Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
|
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Dec 27, 2018 - 03:07pm PT
|
Why do golfers wear two pears of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
|
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I didn't like my mustache at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Velcro -- what a rip off!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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No Respect for Rodney
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
"One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!"
"I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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I can only reply with a cartoon.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
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Have you heard the one about The United States of America, once a shining city upon a hill; a of beacon light for the world, a guide to freedom-loving people everywhere."
That got trumped and is now The Evil Empire?
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Rodney Dangerfield:
I tell ya, my wife don't respect me. I was out of town for a week. When I came back and pulled into the driveway, three guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says...
"Get the Hell out, her husbands home."
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
|
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Anybody see the latest Predator.
It is directed by Shane Black who was an actor in the original '87 film. He played the guy on Arnold's team that was always cracking jokes.
In addition to directing he wrote the latest and it is surprisingly funny.
One guy (wanting to start a fight) says, "How do you circumcise a homeless man?"
"I dunno. How?"
"I kick your momma in the jaw."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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Jan 11, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
|
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Jan 18, 2019 - 10:49am PT
|
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Aeriq
Sport climber
100-year Visitor
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Jan 18, 2019 - 06:00pm PT
|
Amateur mycologists may have questionable morels.
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10b4me
Social climber
Lida Junction
|
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Jan 18, 2019 - 09:50pm PT
|
A teacher ask a little boy to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
The little boy thinks about it, and then says "my aunt has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Jan 19, 2019 - 08:50am PT
|
Did I tell you about the time Frank Sinatra saved my life?
There were these two big guys beating the crap out of me in Las Vegas, and all of a sudden Frank came around the corner and said, "That's enough, boys."
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
|
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Jan 20, 2019 - 07:46pm PT
|
I was going to tell everyone a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you would get it.
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
|
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Jan 20, 2019 - 08:16pm PT
|
Ack Ack Ack
^that's a funny reply Malemute
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
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Jan 20, 2019 - 11:57pm PT
|
Excellent geek humor! I wasn't sure I got it right... you should have included a checksum.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
|
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Jan 31, 2019 - 10:27pm PT
|
hey there say, all...
okay, hee hee, my turn:
simple innocent stuff... sorry, not to technical...
just heard these from the neighbor's page of 'old jokes' ...
1--so, a sea-gull flies over the sea...
so WHAT flies over the bay?
a //bay'gull/ 'begal'
2--what did the bald man say, after being gifted with a comb?
thank you... i'll NEVER part with it...
:)
3--what did the store clerk yell, when the irate customer
threw a goose?
DUCK!
4--WHY did the chicken cross the road?
to GET the new york times...
get it???
no... but i get the wall street journal...
5--WHY was the radish, feeling 'drawn out, and not 'in the pink'?
it was 'HORSE'radish...
:)
6-- which SIDE of the horse, has the most hair?
the OUTSIDE...
: )
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
|
|
I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.
So far nobody wants to do it.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Feb 15, 2019 - 08:03pm PT
|
Q: What do you call a tenor with erectile dysfunction?
A: Flaccido Domingo.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Feb 15, 2019 - 10:56pm PT
|
Dear Handy Andy,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
My question: Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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tuolumne_tradster
Trad climber
Leading Edge of North American Plate
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Feb 16, 2019 - 07:42am PT
|
Q: what is the KGB code name for Trump?
A: Agent Orange
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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Feb 16, 2019 - 10:17am PT
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IntheFog
climber
Mostly the next place
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Feb 16, 2019 - 11:17pm PT
|
A Newfie walks into a hardware store, finds a clerk and says, "I can cut down ten trees a day with my axe, but it's killing my arms. Do you have anything that will help me cut down more?"
The clerk shows the Newfie a chainsaw, and tells him he'll be able to cut down forty trees a day easy, and his arms won't hurt at all. The Newfie is so impressed he pulls out his wallet and buys it on the spot (using Canadian dollars!).
Late the next afternoon, the Newfie storms in, slams the saw down, leans over the counter and picks the clerk up. Pulling him half over the counter, the Newfie yells at the clerk: "You lied to me. You said I could cut down forty trees a day with this thing. I've been out there all day. I've only cut down fifteen trees and my arms are dead."
"It might be broken," says the clerk. "Let me take a look." He takes the chainsaw off the counter, puts it on the ground and pulls the starter cord.
The Newfie looks at him, puzzled, and says, "What's that noise!?"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
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Feb 17, 2019 - 11:36am PT
|
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
|
A teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
He replies, "I was riding in the car with my dad the other day and we passed a house being painted by a woman. My dad said it's going to take that cvnt ages to finish that house."
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Robb
Social climber
Cat Box
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Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
|
This one's for Werner...
A Guru walks up to a hot dog stand.
After a moment he looks at the guy and says
"Make me one with everything"
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
|
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Feb 17, 2019 - 03:24pm PT
|
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like a choir boy.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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Feb 17, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
|
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,
'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 22, 2019 - 01:39pm PT
|
My children visited today...
In the course of conversation, the subject of aged care came up. I said
that if the situation arose where I was dependent on a machine and fluid
supplied from a bottle, please 'pull the plug'.
They then got up, unplugged the computer and threw my wine out.
Little bastards!
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
|
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Feb 22, 2019 - 06:26pm PT
|
two dudes walking down the street past a dog licking its nuts.
first guy: "dang, I wish I could do that!"
second guy: "lick a dog's nuts?"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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Dentist: Do you want helium?
Patient: Will it kill the pain?
Dentist: No, but when you scream it's funny.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
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They are a terrific-looking couple, but neither one wanted to "go all the way"on just their second date.
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capseeboy
Social climber
portland, oregon
|
|
A man complains to his doctor that his vitality for sex is weak. Doctor tells him to start exercising by walking ten miles a day, for ten days, and call him back. Ten days goes bye and he calls his doctor. Doc asks him if his vitality for sex has improved. Guy replies it's not any better and he's a hundred miles from home.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
|
At her husband's funeral, the widow just manages to contain her tears.
A man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Sure, go right ahead." She says.
The man stands, says "plethora", and sits again.
"Thanks" the woman says, "that means a lot."
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
|
|
hey there say, ...
saw this in my neighbor's magazine, of joke collections:
thought it was very different, for a change:
here it is:
ONE day, refrigerators will take their revenge.
They will BURST into your bedroom in the middle of
the night... SWITCH the light on,
STARE at your for a few minutes,
and then:
leave...
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
At LaunderLand, in the office, in the lost and found box,
the weekly meeting of Socks Without Partners...
Argyle shares the same old nightmarish scene:
"The last time I remember seeing my partner
is the last time I remember anything.
We had just been thrown into dryer number 4."
Furthermore:
On the chalkboard in the classroom,
an exclamation point was having it out with a question mark...
"Maybe I wouldn't have such a temper if you'd make up your mind
once in a while!"
"I just wish you were more punctual, I guess."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
I hope this isn't a repeat.....
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
|
|
The boss arrives at the office to find his blonde office worker sobbing hysterically.
Asking what's wrong, she says "I just got a phone call (sob), my mother died."
"That's terrible" says the boss, "why don't you take the day off and collect yourself?"
"No (sniff, sniff) It will take my mind off of the tragedy to stay at work."
So she gathers herself and the boss goes about his business.
Later in the morning, the boss goes to check on her & finds her sobbing hysterically again.
"Now what's wrong?", he asks.
"I got another phone call (sob, sob), from my sister- her mother died too!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
There are three blondes and one brunette hanging onto a rope after a climbing mishap.
They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't,
the rope will break and everyone will die.
No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech,
ending with the words, "I'll let go."
The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
|
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
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|
Mar 13, 2019 - 05:49pm PT
|
An apple a day
Will keep anyone away
If thrown hard enough
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
|
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|
Mar 14, 2019 - 06:47am PT
|
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "Well, what do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a life saver".
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
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|
Mar 14, 2019 - 07:22am PT
|
My wife phoned me at work today, she said "Have you been experiencing any unexplained stabbing pains in your chest, like someone is sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"
I thought for a minute then replied "No I don't think I have"
She was silent for a couple of seconds then said "How about now......?"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
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|
Mar 14, 2019 - 10:35am PT
|
Wino, we want jokes, not confessions.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
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|
Mar 14, 2019 - 11:14am PT
|
☘☘Irish Jokes Need Not Apply☘☘
An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three Bushmill's, a fine Protestant beverage.
After he has put them down the hatch, the barman says to Paddy, "That's not like you, Paddy. You’re normally a Guinness man!”
Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had me first ever blowjob!”
Great!” says the barman. “Have another one on the house!”
To which Paddy replies, “No thanks. If three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”
And my own ending, esp. for U, Reilly...
And the barman, aghast, says, "That's not funny, lad. You need to go to confession!"
A friend was recently diagnosed with Irish Alzheimer's.
His doctor explained that he was going to lose his memory of everything but his grudges.
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
|
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|
Mar 14, 2019 - 06:30pm PT
|
I saw an add for an irish T shirt on FB. typical green T shirt with shamrocks on it. DEAR LIVER, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH WEEK. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Mar 14, 2019 - 07:05pm PT
|
An Irishman walked out of a bar.
Not this week!
|
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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
|
|
|
Mar 17, 2019 - 02:22pm PT
|
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
----------------------------------------
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
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capseeboy
Social climber
portland, oregon
|
|
|
Mar 17, 2019 - 03:04pm PT
|
I went to buy some helium.
At the store they said they were all sold out.
I commented, what a downer.
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capseeboy
Social climber
portland, oregon
|
|
|
Mar 17, 2019 - 04:41pm PT
|
National debt-$18 trillion.
Amount each taxpayer owes-$154,000.00
More than I have made in my whole life! Ha Ha
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tooth
Trad climber
B.C.
|
|
|
Mar 17, 2019 - 04:49pm PT
|
that made me laugh.... and be happy i moved
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
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|
Mar 17, 2019 - 06:20pm PT
|
We gotta politicize this thread, too? 🙄
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
|
|
|
Mar 17, 2019 - 11:39pm PT
|
hey there say, malmute...
awww... that was sweet... :)
as to the ending:
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
:)
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Yury
Mountain climber
T.O.
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Mar 18, 2019 - 04:34am PT
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tooth:
that made me laugh.... and be happy i moved
tooth, to where did you move?
Don't you want to add your provincial debt to your federal debt?
Do you know that e.g. Ontario debt per capita is about twice as high as California debt?
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tooth
Trad climber
B.C.
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Mar 18, 2019 - 10:02am PT
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$32k combined. Your politics are a joke. Wish this latest one was shorter. But I’m guessing the joke will drag on another 4 years.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 24, 2019 - 07:38am PT
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Back on topic and with a bit of climbing content (sort of):
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Mar 24, 2019 - 12:11pm PT
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What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Mar 24, 2019 - 05:34pm PT
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I have the memory of an elephant. I saw it at the Sacramento zoo when I was seven.
I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.
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skywalker1
Trad climber
co
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Mar 24, 2019 - 05:41pm PT
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Every room is room temperature.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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Mar 25, 2019 - 08:23am PT
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one- they're efficient and not very funny.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Mar 25, 2019 - 11:27am PT
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You know you have "March Madness teeth" when you are down to your Final Four, right?
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Gorgeous George
Trad climber
Los Angeles, California
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Mar 25, 2019 - 04:32pm PT
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What do you get when an elephant sneezes?
You get out of the way.
The flight stewardess asked the old man if he'd like to be served dinner.
He asked "what are my choices?"
Yes or No.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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Mar 25, 2019 - 04:41pm PT
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Here's a few questions for Anders:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you have a civil war?
If you eat pasta and anti-pasto at the same time, will you still be hungry?
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HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
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Mar 25, 2019 - 08:31pm PT
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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 26, 2019 - 07:38am PT
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F.Y.I.!! You pee on a jellyfish sting to ease the pain, not on a jelly stain.
My apologies again to the unfortunate lady at the waffle house this morning.
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HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
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Mar 26, 2019 - 09:33am PT
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aspendougy
Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
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Mar 26, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
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What did the Mother Buffalo say to her boy buffalo as she was dropping him off at school:
BISON
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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What did Charlie Brown say when Lucy died?
Good grief!
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Inner City
Trad climber
Portland, OR
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What do you call a man with one rubber toe?
Roberto
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Since my wife left I've got myself a 21 year old girlfriend, a new Harley Davidson and have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
She's not going to be happy when she gets back from work tonight.....
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A Roman centurion walks up to a bar and holds up two fingers.
"Five beers," he says.
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Aeriq
Sport climber
100-year Visitor
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God: "What are they doing down there?"
Angel: "They are making milk from almonds."
God: "What? I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from."
Angel: "They don't like that milk."
God (sarcastically): "THEY don't LIKE that MILK." *flips table*
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jesus comes down to Earth in the early 21st Century and this time it's in Australia.
He's in a crowd in downtown Perth, working miraculous cures.
He approaches one man who has to support himself on crutches.
The Ozzie yells at Jesus, "Stay the f*#k away from me, mate. I'm on Worker's Comp!"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 11, 2019 - 08:40pm PT
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A pun has not matured until it is full groan.
I was going to throw a space-themed party, but didn't know how to planet.
A ham sandwich goes into a bar, orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."
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HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
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Apr 15, 2019 - 05:36pm PT
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HBO will show a drama called Chernobyl about the nuclear power plant explosion in Ukraine thirty-three years ago. There are now plans to build a Disneyworld-type park at the waste site. The difference between Chernobyl and Disneyworld is that at Chernobyl, the six-foot-tall mouse is for real.
-Argus Hamilton
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LuckyPink
climber
the last bivy
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Apr 15, 2019 - 07:23pm PT
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How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Apr 23, 2019 - 07:41am PT
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I can tell I’m getting older.
When I wake up I’m stiff in all the wrong places!
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capseeboy
Social climber
wandering star
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Apr 23, 2019 - 10:53am PT
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Why does a cow wear bells?
The horns don't work.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Apr 23, 2019 - 11:34am PT
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Two Irishmen in a bar:
"So mate, when I'm dead can I count on you to pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over my grave every Saturday night?"
"Of course, old friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 14, 2019 - 09:30am PT
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Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.
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10b4me
Social climber
Lida Junction
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May 14, 2019 - 11:32am PT
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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glen prior
Trad climber
truckee, ca
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May 14, 2019 - 03:10pm PT
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...Meanwhile,out in the desert, two arabs are eating their dates...
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 14, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
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What? They ate their camels? 😱
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 30, 2019 - 03:38pm PT
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Might as well try for the last one.....
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.
"The trouble with you English is that you are so bloody stuffy ...
You set yourselves above the average person. Do you really think your stiff upper lip attitude really works… Look at me: I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 30, 2019 - 03:49pm PT
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^^^^ +2!
Had a fabulous ‘18 Pouilly Fuissé ‘Vieilles Vignes de Solutré’, Domaine des Gerbeaux
last week in Blighty. Went so well with me whelks and Dover sole.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 31, 2019 - 06:54am PT
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F*#kin' wine snob..... I had a 2018 Mud House Sauvignon Blanc last night and it was WAY better than your fancy pants French swill. To persons who signed up for a free bottle of wine, they're a comin', I'm just a bit busy right now.
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| Messages 1 - 1042 of total 1042 in this topic |
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SuperTopo on the Web
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Nice shorts! Must be from Italy, right?
Let us know!