I need some jokes - short ones.

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nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:18pm PT
A guy walks into a bar and on the bar is a pot of $100 bills....




D'oh! no wait... that one is far too long.


Beuhler?
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:21pm PT
I used to think I was indecisive, now I am not so sure.

Department of redundancy department!
the kid

Trad climber
fayetteville, wv
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:21pm PT
look
in
the
mirror




BHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

;)
nutjob

Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:22pm PT
A guy walks into a bar.
The second guy ducks.
matty

Trad climber
los arbor
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:30pm PT
What's wrong with a gay BBQ?

The hot dogs taste like sh#t.
Derek

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:37pm PT
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The doctor takes one look at him, and says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
apogee

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:40pm PT
Does the world smell different to short people?
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 01:46pm PT
the looking in the mirror joke doesn't make me laugh.

Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:49pm PT
If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:50pm PT
yuh ever bin ta Utaaahhhhrr?
......pause for effect.......
Whyyy?

ah'm frum Utaaaahhhrrrr....
...pause...
whurr the men 're men......an' the sheep're all nervous


Credits to Utah Phillips (RIP)
pud

climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:56pm PT
Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet deep when they die?







'Cause deep down they're good people.
BurnRockBurn

climber
South of Black Rock City (CC,NV)
Jul 1, 2010 - 01:56pm PT
What do you have if you have a moth ball in each hand?














A BIG FUGGING MOTH
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:08pm PT

Yeah, but Anders, my jokes might dwarf yours!!!!!


hee hee hee
throwpie

Trad climber
Berkeley
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:16pm PT
A duck walked into a drugstore and said "give me a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill."
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:23pm PT
How about the near-deaf genie who gave the guy a million ducks and a 12-inch pianist?
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:31pm PT
E - :-)

I finally got Anders' dwarf comment.
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 02:33pm PT
What do you call a fish with no eye?



Fsh.
nutjob

Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 1, 2010 - 02:38pm PT
I never knew it took a fish with no eye to make a baby. Maybe too obscure?
noal elkins

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:27pm PT
Did you hear about the junkie that shot up marsala sauce? He ended up in a korma.
Prod

Trad climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 04:55pm PT
If we post dwarf jokes, Chris might toss us out of here.

haha good one Anders.

I met a girl who was 2'11", Yeah I was nuts over that one.

What did the doe say when she came out of the woods "that is the last time I do that for 10 bucks"

Why did the Ram fall off the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.

Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Do you want off color jokes as well?

Prod.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:00pm PT
Some of you are playing with fire. Google is a wonderful tool for finding jokes about any group you care to name. In other words, mutually assured destruction may be the result of some of the above 'jokes'.

At least I played by the rules, and provided a short joke.
Thorgon

Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
If you are at home and you are mowing, does that make you a homo?


Thor
Studly

Trad climber
WA
Jul 1, 2010 - 05:32pm PT
Got a match?

yeah, your breath and a buffalo fart.
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 07:25pm PT
I think I need to head over to Google and find some jokes about Canadians - especially the western type.
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 1, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
Why do you want jokes about Canadians? They won't understand them.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 07:27pm PT
The "Canada Day" thread provides quite a lot of Canadian jokes, and later maybe I'll add more.
Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:47pm PT
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Where you last left it.

What do you call a one-eyed, one legged, one armed person?
F*#ked.

A guy walks into a Idaho gun store and asks to buy the biggest handgun in the store. The clerk says what do you plan to shoot? "Cans", says the customer. "Cans?" says the clerk. Yeah, you know - MexiCANs, AfriCANS, Puerto RiCANS.





Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:54pm PT
What do you call a naked person doing asanas?
Yogi Bare of course.

What do you call a naked girl doing the down dog pose?
A good date.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:12pm PT
Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants :)
mark miller

Social climber
Reno
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:37pm PT
"An Irishman walks out of a bar............" No it really could happen.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:48pm PT
Specifically, some Canadian Lawyer jokes might bunch some pants
Hamster lover!
Mittens

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:17pm PT
How do you make a girl cum?
-Who cares?!
drljefe

climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:19pm PT
What's the difference between pink and purple?




































your grip.
ex-bouldergirl

Boulder climber
boulder, co
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:23pm PT
Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

le_bruce

climber
Oakland: what's not to love?
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:24pm PT
Q:What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

A:They vote.




Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

A: Philippe Philoppe


Shortish:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some as#@&%e wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No sh#t??? Who did she play for?"
nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 1, 2010 - 10:27pm PT
ask and you shall receive.

maybe one day I'll relate why I asked.


So far my favorites:

1) deaf-genie
2) dude in plastic wrap
3) doe coming out of the woods.
matisse

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 10:53pm PT
So Twilight is like the world cup: they run around for hours, no one ever scores, and a billion fans tell you that you just don't understand.
Scared Silly

Trad climber
UT
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:38pm PT
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Go fuk yourselves


(Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=271gItFZFEw);
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:52pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:58pm PT
Ed is getting his yearly physical.
The doc goes "Ed, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Ed pauses...

"Really doc? Why is that?"

"Cause I'm trying to give you an eye exam..."
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 12:44am PT
"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow"

"Interrupting c--"

"MOOOO!!!!"
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:35pm PT
After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"

Another pipes in, "I resent that!"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I am an as#@&%e."

What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?

A dead poodle, split in half.

mike bodine

climber
bishop, ca
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:54pm PT
what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?









full.
Pennsylenvy

Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:21pm PT
For Nature.......


Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????

















........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..
Evel

Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
Jul 2, 2010 - 03:38pm PT
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?



pick it up and blow it
JEleazarian

Trad climber
Fresno CA
Jul 2, 2010 - 04:55pm PT
How do you get two violists to play in tune?




Shoot one.


John
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:05pm PT
Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:28pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:33pm PT
"I got me one of them ant farms?

Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"


--Mitch Hedberg
Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:13am PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
































Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .
Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 11:28am PT
I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.


Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I had my coathangers spayed.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"

http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
Weenis

Trad climber
Tel Aviv
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:17pm PT
Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.

originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
Chicken and an egg are lying on a bed. The egg is sobbing, and the chicken is smoking a cigarette, Chicken says, "Well, that answers that question"
Chaz

Trad climber
greater Boss Angeles area
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:25pm PT
"Wnere do you think I got the twelve inch pianist?"
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:32pm PT
^^Dude - I already said that one! ^^

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Hey, buddy! Why the long face?"

Where does the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
Brokedownclimber

Trad climber
Douglas, WY
Jul 3, 2010 - 08:10pm PT
Only 99% of the lawyers give all the rest a bad name.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 10, 2010 - 01:53am PT
I had to quit watching public television...












too much sax and violins.
T2

climber
Cardiff by the sea
Jul 11, 2010 - 04:03pm PT
What kind of bears have no teeth?






























































Gummie Bears
Jingy

Social climber
Nowhere
Jul 12, 2010 - 12:17am PT
brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see through blouse.

I wasn't kissing your daughter sir......... I was whispering in her mouth.


Women who can, do. Those that can't become feminists.


An open marriage is Nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.



What do I think of Volkswagons? I've been in bigger women.


The trick with a woman is to get rid of her while sge thinks she's getting rid of you.


Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands.


If it's wet dry it. If it's dry wet it. Congratulations, you are now a gynaecologist.


Outside every thin woman is a fat woman trying to get in.


The most difficult year of marriage is the one you are in.



nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2010 - 03:19pm PT
what does an as$hole and a 9 volt battery have in common?


















Both are shocking when you lick them.
KP Ariza

climber
SCC
Jul 23, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
How do blondes like there eggs in the morning?


unfertilized
georgiegirl

Sport climber
Heaven
Jul 23, 2010 - 06:13pm PT
What do two climbers say to each other in bed?

condom?
-condom on.
f**king
-f**k on!
coming
-come on!
john hansen

climber
Jul 23, 2010 - 08:40pm PT
If you live in Arkansas,, whats the difference between a Divorce and a Tornado?





Not much... either way your gonna lose the trailer...
SCseagoat

Trad climber
Santa Cruz
Jul 24, 2010 - 12:39am PT
Gun control means using two hands.
drljefe

climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
Jul 24, 2010 - 01:24am PT
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South?




















Anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.
M. Volland

Trad climber
Grand Canyon
Jul 24, 2010 - 11:44am PT
I went climbing with a pirate once. But only once, because all he wanted to climb were, "RRR-rated pitches Mate."
rlf

Trad climber
Josh, CA
Jul 24, 2010 - 02:26pm PT
Why do little girls put fish in their pockets?
































So they can smell like big girls...
Brent Mattix

Trad climber
Roseville, CA
Jul 25, 2010 - 11:35am PT
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?








DAMN!
426

climber
Buzzard Point, TN
Jul 25, 2010 - 11:37am PT
What hold the moon in place?
















Beams
Salamanizer

Trad climber
The land of Fruits & Nuts!
Jul 26, 2010 - 01:09am PT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Uh??? EVERYWHERE!
Shack

Big Wall climber
Reno NV
Jul 26, 2010 - 04:22am PT
Why don't the Arabs have driver training and sex education on the same day?


























It's too hard on the camels.
Mtnmun

Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
Jul 26, 2010 - 11:30am PT
What is an Austrailian kiss?




Just like a French kiss only



























down unda!
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
Jul 26, 2010 - 09:58pm PT
Did'ja hear the one about the roof?

d'uh....nope

Good thing, it's over your head

(a 2 liner "short" joke)
tonesfrommars

Trad climber
California
Jul 26, 2010 - 10:31pm PT
why does snoop carry an umbrella




















for drizzle
d-know

Trad climber
electric lady land
Jul 26, 2010 - 10:42pm PT
what did
one tampon
say to another?

nuthin',
they were
both stuck
up c#&%s.





nature

climber
Tucson, AZ
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 27, 2010 - 12:16pm PT
GROSS!


and funny :-)
Friend

climber
Jul 27, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
a termite walks into a bar and says, is the bar tender here
Sitting Duck

Mountain climber
The Arctic
Jul 27, 2010 - 04:41pm PT
Hey, don't walk on the lawn!
I'm not walking, I'm coming!
JOEY.F

Social climber
sebastopol
Jul 27, 2010 - 06:41pm PT
There's a new resturant on the moon.
Great food, but no atmosphere.
KarlCBL

Trad climber
Santa Cruz
Jul 27, 2010 - 07:18pm PT
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?










Quarter pounder with cheese
ruppell

climber
Jul 27, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
What did the egg say to the boiling water??

It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid by a chick.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Aug 2, 2010 - 04:34pm PT
What are the two sexiest animals in the barnyard?








Brown chicken, brown cow!

(say it out loud)
Gene

Social climber
Aug 4, 2010 - 03:32pm PT
Just before Chelsea's wedding last Saturday...
Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom, so she asked Chelsea...
"Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea replied.... "Not according to Dad"
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jan 1, 2011 - 10:57pm PT
A sloth gets mugged by two turtles.

The police show up and ask the sloth to describe the assailants. The sloth says:

"I...don't...know, ...it...all...happened...so...fast..."

Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Jan 1, 2011 - 11:20pm PT
Short? You're so short that when you fart you get sand in your eyes.
Robb

Social climber
The other "Magic City on the Plains"
Jan 2, 2011 - 12:43am PT
I wanted to do stand up comedy, but I was afraid that everyone would just laugh at me.
H

Mountain climber
there and back again
Jan 2, 2011 - 04:03am PT
Whats the difference between a climbing guide and a ex-large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.

What do you call a climbing guide without a girl friend?
Homeless.

Whats the difference between a climbing guide and God?
God does not think he is a climbing guide.

This is probably the only ST topic with over 100 threads that does not have a drift off topic.
Wayno

Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
Jan 2, 2011 - 04:13am PT
Needledick the Bugf*#ker.
pud

climber
Sportbikeville & Yucca brevifolia
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:01pm PT
charlie.elverson

Trad climber
St. Paul, MN
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:17pm PT
what has two legs and bleeds a lot?















HALF A CAT!!!
Damn this looks high

Trad climber
Temecula, CA
Jan 3, 2011 - 05:45pm PT
What can a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
































Her ankles!
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Jan 3, 2011 - 06:50pm PT
A quick one liner for a good weather day...

"It's so nice out I think I'll leave it out."
dirt claud

Sport climber
san diego,ca
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:08pm PT

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Blissab

Trad climber
Westhampton, MA
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:25pm PT
Guy name San Andreas from the office takes a two week vacation in China.

While there, a major earthquake event takes place.

Upon being interviewed by a Chinese reporter, Mr. Andreas reponds...

"ITS NOT MY FAULT"
Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Jan 20, 2011 - 01:37pm PT
This might be up-thread but I am lazy today...

An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor...
Friedo

Trad climber
South Lake Tahoe
Jan 20, 2011 - 03:24pm PT
Ever notice how a Raven never gets hit by a car?




That's because there's always another raven in a tree yelling "Kaaawwwweeer, Kaaaawwwweeeerrr!"
dirt claud

Sport climber
san diego,ca
Jan 20, 2011 - 06:16pm PT
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
matisse

climber
Jan 20, 2011 - 07:36pm PT
From my 8 year old nephew:
Q. why do squirrels do the backstroke?
A. to keep their nuts dry
mark miller

Social climber
Reno
Jan 20, 2011 - 07:59pm PT
"So this Irishman walks out of a bar.........No really it could happen".
Eubanks,D

Big Wall climber
Jan 20, 2011 - 09:17pm PT
Why do jewish people watch porn backwards?
















They like watching the prostitute give the money back!
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Fairfax, CA
Jan 20, 2011 - 09:27pm PT
What is the shortest distance between two jokes?

A straight line.
Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Jan 22, 2011 - 06:58pm PT
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Feb 2, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
Some actual headlines:

~Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted~

~Miners Refuse To Work After Death~

~Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant~

~War Dims Hope for Peace~

~If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile~

~Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures~

~Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide~

~Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge~

~New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group~

~Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft~

~Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half~

~Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents~


"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Keeping busy: Mets agree with Church, Pagan
"Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?"
"Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says"
"Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday"
"Sun or Rain Expected Today, Dark Tonight"
"Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops off "Significantly After Age 25"
"Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy"
"Circumcisions Cause Crybabies"
"Clinton Apologizes to Syphilis Victims"
"Student Excited Dad Got Head Job"

http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/13177/News++Weather/Funny+and+Stupid+Headlines.aspx
KlimbingKafir

climber
Feb 2, 2011 - 01:17pm PT
What did Davy Crockett say to Daniel Boone at the Alamo?



















Where the f*#k did all these gardeners come from?!?!?
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Feb 2, 2011 - 02:52pm PT
actual newspaper headlines:

British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close

Tomatoes come in Big, Little, and Medium Sizes

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows

Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

Bible Church's Focus Is On the Bible

Lawmakers to Consider Housing Felons in Jail

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Some Phone Psychics Provide Useless, Erroneous Information

Retirement Will Be Cheaper If You Spend Less

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Two Sisters United After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Anastasia

climber
hanging from a crimp and crying for my mama.
Feb 2, 2011 - 03:18pm PT
Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

The Doctor

Social climber
Da Bronx
Feb 3, 2011 - 03:39pm PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.

Heard both of these at work this week.
perswig

climber
Feb 3, 2011 - 04:12pm PT
(props to Matisse' nephew's squirrel/nut joke - I'm totally using that one)

What'd the leper say to the prostitute?







Keep the tip.

(sorry)
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:18pm PT
What's the secret to blond humor timing.
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:30pm PT
I'll tell my all time favorite if you guys can handle it.

Some of you who know me, may know this one.

Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:37pm PT
tom woods: Ok! I'll beg for the punch line---please.
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 3, 2011 - 10:41pm PT
Why couldn't Hitler drink tequila?






It made him mean.
Gordon

Trad climber
South Florida
Feb 4, 2011 - 12:58am PT
A guy walks into the doctor's office with a carrot shoved up his nose.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I know what's wrong with you... You're not eating right."
Gordon

Trad climber
South Florida
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:04am PT
Three gals are sitting around talking about cosmetic procedures. The first says, "I'm thinking about getting a boob job." The second replies, "That's so yesterday... I'm thinking about getting my arsehole bleached." The third says, "Yeah, I'm not sure I can picture your husband as a blond."
shipoopoi

Big Wall climber
oakland
Feb 4, 2011 - 01:18am PT
what do the unabomber and a girl from kentucky have in common? they both have been fingered by their brother.

what is the difference between a blonde and a 747? not everyon has been in a 747.

what do walruses and tupperware have in common? they both like a tight seal.

somebody stop me! ss
tom woods

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Feb 4, 2011 - 10:25am PT
I like the brown and sticky one, Hankster.

It's a high quality lame joke.
Studly

Trad climber
WA
Feb 4, 2011 - 10:28am PT
Tami, you're so short you play handball against the curb.
Do you know the only person that thinks your jokes are funny?
Me neither.
;)
Charlie B

Social climber
Santa Rosa, Ca
Feb 7, 2011 - 12:50am PT
What has 9 arms and sucks?


Def Leppard.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch covered in leaves?

Russel

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?


Bob
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 3, 2011 - 08:01pm PT
The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch and the crowd cheered wildly!



Don't you just love happy endings?
jfailing

Trad climber
Terrible Taft
Mar 3, 2011 - 09:13pm PT
Knock-knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.
Sparky

Trad climber
vagabon movin on
Mar 15, 2011 - 06:29pm PT
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a
seven-hundred-ten?'


She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one..'


She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had
always been there.


The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like.


She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this
car?'


She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

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Barbarian

Trad climber
The great white north, eh?
Mar 15, 2011 - 06:44pm PT
Tea-Partiers in Congress
hairyapeman

Mountain climber
CA
Mar 15, 2011 - 07:27pm PT
A termite walks into a bar and ask's where's the bar tender?
nevahpopsoff

Boulder climber
the woods
Mar 15, 2011 - 07:46pm PT
what do you call a boomarang that doesn't come back?


a stick.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 8, 2011 - 11:27am PT
An article in today's LA Times about Joe Wong:

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-joe-wong-20110708,0,7821604.story

He's pretty funny:

"I have a family now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever."

"Now I have a sign on my car that says 'Baby on Board.' This sign is basically a threat. It just says I have a screaming baby, a nagging wife and I'm not afraid of dying anymore."

"Are you guys worried about the economy? I'm not, 'cause I grew up poor, you know. If I become poor again, I'll just feel young."

"My son is really cute now, but when he was first born, he was ugly. And I wasn't prepared for it, you know. I was looking at him at the delivery room and trying to remember some of my ugly relatives — and to decide exactly who passed the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, he was like, 'Wow, congratulations! He looks just like you!'"

...........................

"In order for me to become a U.S. citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they asked us questions like, 'Who is Benjamin Franklin?'

"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'

"'What's the 2nd Amendment?'

"I was like, 'Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?'

....................

"'What is Roe vs. Wade?' I was like, 'Uh, two ways of coming to the United States?'"


Copyright © 2011, Los Angeles Times
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 8, 2011 - 12:19pm PT
Damn you, reilly! I was just going to post that Roe v. Wade joke!
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Jul 11, 2011 - 12:02pm PT

http://www.gocomics.com/getfuzzy/2011/07/10
dirtbag

climber
Jul 11, 2011 - 02:00pm PT
Did you hear about the depressed tugboat?

His mother was an oar, his father was a fairy, and he didn't have a dinghy.
g-tech

Trad climber
Oakland!
Jul 11, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
...
Watusi

Social climber
Newport, OR
Jul 11, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
This baby seal walks into a club...
Dick_Lugar

Trad climber
Soon-to-be-a Greenie!!!
Jul 11, 2011 - 09:34pm PT
Pretentious? Moi?
JOEY.F

Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
Jul 14, 2011 - 06:20pm PT
Anastasia

climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
Jul 14, 2011 - 06:26pm PT
Joey, I love that letter... Oh my...
AFS
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
OK, so it ain't very PC, or short, but this is ST so that makes it OK.


On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

* Two French men and one French woman.

* Two German men and one German woman.

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

* Two British men and one British woman.

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

* Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.


* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.


* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

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* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Gene

climber
Jul 15, 2011 - 01:15pm PT
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

1
2
3
4
5

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
EdBannister

Mountain climber
13,000 feet
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:51pm PT
the guy who did one of the toughest, ballsiest climbs in the meadows last summer,
put up Loose Lady and rated it 10b.
Brandon-

climber
The Granite State.
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:55pm PT
A guy walks into a bar and sees a pirate there with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The guy asks, 'Why is that wheel there?'

Pirate says, 'AAARRRGGGG, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!'
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient:"Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 15, 2011 - 02:58pm PT
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
nature

climber
2006 Toyota Tacoma Wherever US, 00000
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2011 - 02:34am PT
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra....
jfailing

Trad climber
Lone Pine
Jul 22, 2011 - 10:23am PT
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?





A: Tell her to get some help - she's probably being domestically abused.



Q: What do you call a bunch of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?





A: A terrible boating accident.
Gene

climber
Oct 25, 2011 - 11:19am PT
Ripped off from a NYT article:

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Nov 18, 2011 - 09:58am PT
a not so short joke...

"There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
nature

climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
Topic Author's Reply - Nov 29, 2011 - 01:49pm PT
Why does a Mermaid wear Sea Shells?












Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Nov 29, 2011 - 01:55pm PT
What's the definition of Making Love?













It's what your girlfriend is doing while you're f*#king her.
d-know

Trad climber
electric lady land
Nov 29, 2011 - 02:03pm PT
why do
girls wear
make-up &
perfume?

because they're
ugly
and they
stink.



a catholic priest
and a rabbi sitting
at a park on a bench
when a boy walks by.....

priest: "should we screw him?"
rabbi: "out of what?"
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:40pm PT
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."Is everybody clear on that?
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:44pm PT
HOW TO START A FIGHT . . .


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift . . .
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started . . .

__


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started . . .



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend . . . I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started . . .



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started . . .



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started . . .



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started . . .



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office . . .
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started . . .



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started . . .



Ihateplastic

Trad climber
It ain't El Cap, Oregon
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:53pm PT
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas. But I don't understand, they gave me a Rolex when I said "I wanna watch."
Jingy

climber
Somewhere out there
Dec 17, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones


My penis is a pretty short joke.

I mean.. Its has received laughs… but very little applause
Inner City

Trad climber
East Bay
Dec 17, 2011 - 03:33pm PT
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "my gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks,"

The husband replies, "What does your dentist say?"
Rankin

Social climber
Greensboro, North Carolina
Dec 17, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

































After you get done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.


:^0
Stewart Johnson

climber
lake forest
Dec 17, 2011 - 08:27pm PT
if you have 50 goverment workers and 50 lesbians, what do you have?




100 people that dont do dick.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 18, 2011 - 11:25am PT
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 18, 2011 - 12:10pm PT
how much does a pirate pay for earings?














a buck an ear!
fsck

climber
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:22pm PT
Pedophile walks into the forest with a little boy.
Boy says "Gee, mister. It's awful dark and scary out here."
Man replies, "How do you think I feel I have to walk back out by myself!"




rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:43pm PT
what do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?


Someone who comes and knocks on your door for no particular reason.
couchmaster

climber
pdx
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:49pm PT
Why Indian women have that red dot on the forehead:

When they get married, as part of their dowry their husband gets to scratch off the red dot. If it says store then they get to move to the US and open up either a 7-11 or a dunkin donuts or dairy queen. If it says gas then they get to open up a chevron in the US. If there is nothing underneath then they have to come to the US and work as customer service reps for credit card companies.
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:54pm PT
Did you hear that funny one about the Irishman who passed up a bar?
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 12:56pm PT
Signs on a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
An elderly couple are attending church services... About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:00pm PT
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.

Cashier: WOULD YOU LIKE A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:03pm PT
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

Flattered, I said "You're pulling my leg."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
perswig

climber
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:05pm PT
What's a Grecian urn?











Six or seven drachmas an hour.

Yep.
Dale
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You're obviously not listening."

Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired to Appalachia
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:14pm PT
Did you know that "doggystyle" was invented in Canada? So both can watch hockey.

boomin

Ice climber
vermont
Dec 18, 2011 - 01:21pm PT
What do you get when you cross a person with dyslexia , a person with insomnia and an agnostic.



Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Gary

climber
That Long Black Cloud Is Coming Down
Dec 19, 2011 - 02:14pm PT
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
ME Climb

climber
Behind the Orange Curtain
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:02pm PT
How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down a stairwell?

























None.....he tripped!
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
What do you call a climber with over 1000 girlfriends???












A sheepherder.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:12pm PT
Why do so many Polish names end with "SKI"








They can't spell Toboggan!
Licky

Mountain climber
California
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:26pm PT
A guy walks into a bar owned by two Jewish guys,

Hey...it could happen
Wretchedalan

Social climber
Wisconsin
Dec 19, 2011 - 10:28pm PT
What do you call a climber with a credit card?

married.

What do you call a climber with no girlfriend?

Homeless

modified drummer jokes actually.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

It took him 2 hours to get the bass player out/
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Dec 20, 2011 - 12:09am PT
Why do polish dogs all have bent noses?




From chasing parked cars.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Dec 20, 2011 - 12:11am PT
A blond is walking and comes to a river. She looks up and down the river, but can't see any way across.

On the other side of the river another blond is walking along the riverbank.

The first blond yells across to the second blond, "Yoohoo... how do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second blond pauses a moment and yells back, "You ARE on the other side."
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:21am PT
bwaa ahahahahahaaa....

that's a good one!
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:22am PT
a french fry walks into a hamburger joint and asks for a vegan burger with fries....
vôo

climber
Denver, CO
Dec 28, 2011 - 08:52am PT

a boulder freshman co-ed was having trouble making it across campus to get to her classes on time

she asked her dad for some cash to get a bicycle

when riding her new bike home from the bike shop she passed by a pet store and decided to stop in

she left the store with a cute monkey

a few weeks later clumps of hair started falling off her monkey

She texted her dad "The hair is failing off my monkey, what should I do?"

He replied "Sell the bicycle"
vôo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 4, 2012 - 09:57pm PT
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as#@&%e.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (for instance when the cars are coming toward you their lights are white and when headed away they are red)
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
vôo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 23, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
laces out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ev-PHSd6mxY[Click to View YouTube Video]
damo62

Social climber
Brisbane
Jan 24, 2012 - 12:06am PT
Hey TheMaster, jokes are supposed to be funny.
damo62

Social climber
Brisbane
Jan 24, 2012 - 12:08am PT
Like: Who invented copper wire?
.




...












..
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
The Larry

climber
Moab, UT
Jan 29, 2012 - 09:33pm PT
Did you guys hear about the little boy that was born without eye lids?

They ended up using his foreskin for a replacement.

The only problem was that he was a little cockeyed.

vôo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 30, 2012 - 06:02am PT
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jan 30, 2012 - 11:52am PT
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?

On the rocks


# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?

Leeks


# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?

Follow the Captain


# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew
where he was going ?

He replied "off course."



# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.

That's more than can be said for his ship.



# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises...

Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.


# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.


# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Jan 31, 2012 - 12:42am PT
A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood". The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "I'm having tea!"
nature

climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 31, 2012 - 01:08am PT
leave it to a cab driver....
LuckyNeck

Trad climber
the basement of Lou's Tavern
Feb 25, 2012 - 11:54pm PT
Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?




You really have to hand it to her.
ec

climber
ca
Feb 26, 2012 - 01:29am PT
CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...

It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH#T!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre…and Claude was never invited back...
Mimi

climber
Mar 11, 2012 - 02:49pm PT
Not very short but good.

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
nature

climber
CO
Topic Author's Reply - May 7, 2012 - 10:21pm PT
So this guy comes home to his wife. He has a chicken under his arm. He says "Honey I want to show you the pig I've been f*#king. The wife looks shocked and says "That's not a pig." He responds "I wasn't talking to YOU"


HK - you should know the source of that one.
mike m

Trad climber
black hills
May 7, 2012 - 10:51pm PT
What's red and smells like blue paint?



Red paint.

Kendergarden humor via my daughter.
Sierra Ledge Rat

Social climber
Retired in Appalachia
May 7, 2012 - 11:17pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones.

Look in your shorts.
paganmonkeyboy

climber
mars...it's near nevada...
May 7, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
200+ posts - is this one here already ?


why can't a man ever keep a women happy ?


because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money...


(so much easier to tell without a head full of acid ;-) )
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
May 8, 2012 - 12:04am PT
How are freshmen at University of Washington and Washington State University similar?

They both applied to UW.
zBrown

Ice climber
Chula Vista, CA
May 8, 2012 - 12:04am PT
Well there are lots of name jokes

What do you call a guy in the swimming pool with no arms and legs? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting in your mailbox? Bill.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves? Russel.

you get it
....
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
May 8, 2012 - 01:02am PT
Back in the mid-2000s, when the market for geologists sucked, one of my colleagues got tired of calling himself a consultant, so he applied for a job at McDonald's. The manager, a pimply 18-year-old, looked over my friend's resume and said, "Sorry, I can't use you." My friend said, "What? Aren't I the most overqualified person you've ever had apply for a job here?"

The kid replied, "No. All my geologists have Ph.D.s!"
KP Ariza

climber
SCC
May 8, 2012 - 01:26am PT
How do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw!
krahmes

Social climber
Stumptown
May 8, 2012 - 01:53pm PT
I get no respect....




My wife thinks F#cking and Cooking....


are cities in China.
Reeotch

Trad climber
4 Corners Area
May 8, 2012 - 01:59pm PT
Yer mamma's so stupid, she taped a piece of paper the the TV and claimed to be watching pay-per-view . . .
Robb

Social climber
The other side of life
May 8, 2012 - 02:18pm PT
What did the man sitting next to a mirror say?


Nothing, he was beside himself!
Brandon-

climber
The Granite State.
Oct 11, 2012 - 08:30pm PT
[Click to View YouTube Video]
Norwegian

Trad climber
Placerville, California
Oct 23, 2012 - 06:07am PT
there was once a norwegian man
who loved his wife so much,

he almost told her.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:13am PT
Short jokes. OK.

Evan Bayh (D-Indiana): As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.

President Obama: I could tell that Evan’s panties had gotten all wee-weed up. I offered to have a dialogue with him and his panties. This country needs Evan Bayh, but he’s no good to us with his panties in a bunch. Believe me, Evan, if I could reach down in there and untwist them myself, I would, brother. Unfortunately, I’ve got my hands full with Michelle and Hillary.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:33am PT
From Duck Soup

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 10:36am PT
Irish bean soup always is made with no more than two hundred tirty-nine beans: One more bean and it would be two farty.

Older lizards, especially Colorado Nini lizards, can expect ereptile dysfunction at early onset.--Herpetology Today

Donini was even more crestfallen when he dropped the cap to his toothpaste off a ledge.

He solved his visiting relatives problem by borrowing money from the rich ones and lending it to the poor ones. Now none of them come over to visit.

He tells me that the difference between Colorado and yoghurt is that youghurt has more active cultures.

Forrest Gump went to Bama instead of Colorado. He liked the academic challenge.



"No joke."

I say "balls!"
http://blogs.denverpost.com/beer/2012/10/01/joke-wynkoop-brews-rocky-mountain-oyster-stout/6330/
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 23, 2012 - 11:19am PT
Stupid Ranger Questions

What time does the two o'clock tour begin? Was this all man-made?



Short Jokes

Short skirts tend to make men more polite. We all wait for them to get on the escalator first.

Don't trust guys with short legs: Their brains are too near their ass.

It takes zero radio astronomers to change a light bulb because they aren't interested in short wave stuff.

Even a short pencil is more reliable than the longest memory.



Brown Jokes

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman.

Adolph, the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, could run as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop worth a sh#t.



Tattoo Jokes

Two mates, one a black Jamaican, the other a white Alabaman, are taking a friendly pee. The rastaman notices a W-Y tat on the redneck's thing and he says, "I got 'W-Y' on me peter, too, mon. Whatcha story?"
Elmer strokes himself to an erection so the cat can see that he has "Wendy" tattooed on himself.
"Don't tell me y'all know some bitch Wendy, too," he says.
"Noh, mon, it say, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day.'"


Elmer and Wendy? Have a Nice Day, Tacoo!
rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Dec 1, 2012 - 05:27pm PT
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f*#k up!"
Ricky D

Trad climber
Sierra Westside
Dec 1, 2012 - 05:45pm PT
Why do Brides wear white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Dec 3, 2012 - 02:10pm PT
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

the photon says, "no thank, I'm traveling light".
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Dec 3, 2012 - 02:23pm PT
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
briham89

Big Wall climber
san jose, ca
Dec 3, 2012 - 02:25pm PT
So a guy bolts next to a crack...... I can't remember how this one ends
Enty

Trad climber
Dec 3, 2012 - 04:25pm PT
So after 10 years of dating and 12 years of marriage the wife has finally said yes to anal sex...........but what on earth is a strap-on?

E
rwedgee

Ice climber
canyon country,CA
Dec 3, 2012 - 09:12pm PT
If one lesbian c*#k blocks another is it called a beaver dam ?
Edge

Trad climber
New Durham, NH
Dec 3, 2012 - 09:19pm PT
Because he was a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever broke wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
Rudder

Trad climber
Costa Mesa, CA
Dec 4, 2012 - 07:12pm PT
Two Peanuts were walking down the street, One was assaulted.

Sorry, lol, I just heard that on Pawn Stars. :)
Gene

climber
Dec 4, 2012 - 08:41pm PT
Not short, but not overly long.

The Pope is working at his desk when a senior Cardinal rushes in.

Holy Father. I have the most incredible good news and bad news for you. Which do you want first?

Give me the good news first, my son.

Holy Father. Jesus has returned. He’s holding on the phone to talk to you.

My son, what possible bad news could there be on a day like this?

He’s calling from Salt Lake City.

Plaidman

Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
Dec 4, 2012 - 08:50pm PT
There is a new drink out at the bars in New York.
It's called a Sandy. It's a watered down Manhattan!

I'll be here all week!
froodish

Social climber
Portland, Oregon
Dec 4, 2012 - 09:25pm PT
A baby harp seal walks into a club.
bajaandy

climber
Escondido, CA
Dec 4, 2012 - 09:44pm PT
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll drink beer all day.
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Dec 5, 2012 - 02:18pm PT
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
TGT

Social climber
So Cal
Dec 5, 2012 - 08:25pm PT
Hardman Knott

Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:26pm PT
I was in bed with a blind girl the other night.

She said I had the biggest c*#k she had ever put her hands on.

I told her she was pulling my leg.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:42pm PT
Why was the squirrel doing the backstroke across the pond?

To keep his nuts dry!
weezy

climber
Dec 30, 2012 - 01:55pm PT
what does a nosey pepper do?

it gets jalapeño business.
Fish Finder

Social climber
THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
Mar 25, 2013 - 06:49pm PT



Her legs were like butter




















































































































































































They spread easy
Norwegian

Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
May 4, 2013 - 09:31pm PT
have you heard the one
about the rich man's widow?
she filled her dress with
stolen eggs!

the people of the town
a gathered 'round
to laugh her down.

when those eggs all broke
and ran down her leg.

[Click to View YouTube Video]
goatboy smellz

climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
Jul 10, 2013 - 08:39pm PT
Why is your oven smoking?


























Because it just finished fvcking the dishwasher.

Trad is Rad

Trad climber
San Luis Obispo California
Jul 11, 2013 - 12:17am PT
What do you call a 16 year old girl that can run faster than her 10 brothers?
A virgin

Whats the worst part about blow up dolls?
They smell and you have to drain them every two weeks
hairyapeman

Trad climber
Fres-yes
Jul 11, 2013 - 01:54am PT
A termite walks into a bar and ask's "Where's the bar tender?"....
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 11, 2013 - 02:02am PT
manzanita man +1 LOL!

goatboy smellz too!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:15am PT
"Although I've never read a book all the way through, I'm sure excited to write one," Short joked in a statement. He added, "I haven’t named my book yet, but I’m toying with the title If I’d Saved, I Wouldn't Be Writing This."--Martin Short in an article, well, most of an online article, on the Splitsider comedy website


What do you call a dog with no legs (besides Shorty)?

It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Wherever you left him.
tooth

Trad climber
B.C.
Jul 11, 2013 - 09:09am PT
A friend's mom actually told me this story from last week.

She was in Canada shopping for something for her son and daughter-in-law's baby shower.


She wanted something Canadian. Maybe one of those cute little canadian hats, but she couldn't pronounce toque.

She asked some guys who sent her to a pot shop. I guess she pronounced it toke!
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:40pm PT
Two lawyers are walking down a street when they see a very attractive lady walking on the other side.

The first lawyer says, "I think I would like to fvck her!"




The second replies, "Outta what?"
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:47pm PT
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He asks the Cardinal, "What's a four letter word for a woman that ends in u-n-t?"

The Cardinal says, "Aunt."

The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:13pm PT
What is the best time to visit the dentist?

Two-thirty.
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:15pm PT
Me. I am the biggest joke. I never meant that to be, but...
Magic Ed

Trad climber
Nuevo Leon, Mexico
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:17pm PT
Guy walks into a bar with a giant frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" The frog answers "New Jersey, there's millions of 'em"
goatboy smellz

climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:23pm PT
A lawyer, a doctor, and a statistician go out duck hunting one day.

Some ducks come flying by and the lawyer pops up and shoots, way right and misses.

The doctor takes aim and shoots, way left, misses.

The statistician pumps his fist in the air and said. "We got one!".
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:24pm PT
^^^^Good one!



Why do lawyers wear neckties?



Keeps their foreskin from popping out of their shirt.
speelyei

Trad climber
Mohave County Arizona
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:11pm PT
A guy walks in to a bar and sets a car battery on the floor, and a set of jumper cables on the stool. He orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Ok, but I don't want you starting anything in here".
Braunini

Big Wall climber
cupertino
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:22am PT
I like to mix it up with a couple of Jokes With Realistic Endings:



A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.



A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"



A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.




Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken lacks reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken’s action was spurred by any particular motivation.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Mar 1, 2014 - 11:48am PT
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:27pm PT
Braunini's jokes suck.

Realistic ending?>

Braunini asks a large woman on Polk St., where is a good place to hang put and have a beer?
She replies, my place.
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:39pm PT
A harp seal goes into a bar...

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender

"Anything but Canadian Club"
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:51pm PT
My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker....



Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
goatboy smellz

climber
लघिमा
Jul 23, 2014 - 09:21pm PT
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 23, 2014 - 10:04pm PT
Yeah, and the joke about the bed hasn't been made up yet.
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 24, 2014 - 10:22pm PT
The joke is in your hand.

(Written on the urinal wall, of course.)
deuce4

climber
Hobart, Australia
Jul 25, 2014 - 04:14am PT
Feeling a bit low on smarts the other day, i headed to the brain store.

Storekeeper told me, "i got lawyers brains for $5 an ounce, engineers brains for $25 an ounce, rocket scientists brains for $50 an ounce, and climbers brains for $1000 an ounce"

"$1000 for an ounce of climbers brain--why so expensive?" I asked.

Storekeeper said, "do you know how many climbers it takes to get an ounce of brains?!"
dirt claud

Social climber
san diego,ca
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:06am PT
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo Fook!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!
Braunini

Big Wall climber
cupertino
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:19am PT
And my jokes suck?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Aug 14, 2014 - 11:32am PT
Position 68

You do me and I owe you one;)






Credit Stan H
JonA

Trad climber
Flagstaff, AZ
Aug 14, 2014 - 01:04pm PT
Guy sitting next to me on flight: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a door-to-door salesman
Guy: Really...what do you sell?
Me: Doors....it never works out
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Dec 30, 2014 - 09:21am PT
I actually saw this on BBC, admittedly, BITD. An English, and I stress that
adjective, comedian was 'performing' in a club.

"Are there any Irish in the room?"

Silence...

"Is the question too difficult?"

Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Dec 30, 2014 - 10:11am PT
I picked up a gal in a bar the other night. She said, "I don't do this normally." I said, "I'm a little kinky myself."
hobo_dan

Social climber
Minnesota
Jan 6, 2015 - 06:56pm PT
a travelling salesman knocks on a door and it is answered by a little girl wearing a bra and panties. She has a snifter of brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. Surprised, the salesman asks "Is your mommy or daddy home?" And the little girl says: 'What the fukc do you think?"
zBrown

Ice climber
Brujò de la Playa
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:07pm PT
Political OK?

(I'm a) Newt Gingrich


Boehner & Weiner. hahahahahaha


D#@&%e Limbaugh. hahahahahaha [wow censored]

Doooche Limbaugh heehawheehawheehaw


On the Senate washroom wall.

Don't look here for the joke, it's in your hand.


glen prior

Trad climber
truckee, ca
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:21pm PT
Meanwhile, out in the desert, two arabs are eating their dates...
Kalimon

Social climber
Ridgway, CO
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:22pm PT
"What's one thing women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming."
alannamal

climber
B.C.
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:31pm PT
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If it was forced upon you as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Boom.
Stewart

Trad climber
Courtenay, B.C.
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:32pm PT
Bill O'Reilly
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:45pm PT
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:50pm PT
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
zBrown

Ice climber
Brujò de la Playa
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:54pm PT
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jan 6, 2015 - 07:57pm PT
Did you here about the Polish pirate? He wore a patch over both eyes.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jan 6, 2015 - 09:05pm PT
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jan 6, 2015 - 09:09pm PT
I had an uncle who was a psychic. He knew the exact day he was going to die.

The warden told him.
BuddhaStalin

climber
Truckee, CA
Jan 7, 2015 - 02:47am PT
What does a gay horse eat?


<those who think theyre clever will say 'haaaaay'>

<a punch in the arm while you deliver punchline>
No! He eats c*#k!

...unfortunately isnt as funny when the recipient doesnt give the token 'haaaay' response....
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jan 7, 2015 - 06:21am PT
Yosomighty tried some naked hot tubbing with the temp in the 20s.

He put up a route the next day, calling it Inchworm.
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Big Horns
Jan 7, 2015 - 08:23am PT
What's this? A banana.

What's this? A bininya.
tew

Trad climber
ATX
Jan 7, 2015 - 08:45am PT
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
ground_up

Trad climber
mt. hood /baja
Jan 7, 2015 - 08:51am PT
Hear about the dyslexics who worship Santa ?
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 7, 2015 - 09:29am PT
Take my wife... please.
Came back into town last week after a 2 week business trip. I pull into the driveway and 4 guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says "Get the Hell out of here, her husbands home".
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 7, 2015 - 09:31am PT
My wife's cooking is so bad, in the springtime the flies pitch in to help put up the screens.

edit: Hat tip to Dangerfield for both of the above.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 7, 2015 - 09:35am PT
She's getting better now though.
She just mixes the Rolaids in with the food.
Mike from Phoenix

Trad climber
Phoenix, AZ
Jan 7, 2015 - 10:39am PT
What's the difference between a tornado & a Kentucky divorce?

I don't know, but either way someone is going to lose a trailer!
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jan 9, 2015 - 07:17am PT
well some would say G.O.D. (that's me) but that's not funny to some, most of all me.

Easy 1st

What do you get when you cross a Centipede with an African Gray parrot?

Harder(more silly)

Which is the fruity est class in school ? (no not the one taught by the gay teacher)

And for climber content,

What is the lazy est mountain in the world?




these are easy and bring the lite chuckles I like. . .
answers may follow . . .
then again some one else can send this one!
jpb2

Trad climber
PHOENIX, MD
Jan 9, 2015 - 07:30am PT
What did the fish say when he hit his head?



Damn.
frank wyman

Mountain climber
montana
Jan 9, 2015 - 08:22am PT
How did Ray Rices girlfreind find out he was cheating on her?...She found another girls lipstick on his knuckles....
dirt claud

Social climber
san diego,ca
Feb 10, 2015 - 02:37pm PT
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound
and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
i'm gumby dammit

Sport climber
da ow
Feb 10, 2015 - 06:55pm PT
During a pregame interview Pete Carroll was asked how he felt about winning back to back championships to which he replied "I think I'll pass".
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Feb 10, 2015 - 07:10pm PT
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows.
east side underground

climber
Hilton crk,ca
Feb 10, 2015 - 08:12pm PT
what's the difference between superman and ordinary men? ........ superman wears his underware outside his pants
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Feb 11, 2015 - 06:40am PT
I will try and be more in line with the 'one liner' types but this Grabbed Me so I Grabbed it>http://www.imitationreallife.com/climb/
EdwardT

Trad climber
Retired
Feb 11, 2015 - 08:31am PT
Two men sitting at a bar.

One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."
His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."
Flip Flop

Trad climber
Truckee, CA
Feb 11, 2015 - 08:33am PT
Tranny trouble causes major auto accident in LA.
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Feb 11, 2015 - 09:24am PT
check out Learning Trad's post here:

http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/2573202/Travel-Checklist-any-suggestions
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Feb 11, 2015 - 02:18pm PT
A vegan, a lactose intolerant, and a paleo diet follower walk into a bar.

It's no big deal, they all just manage to work it into the conversation within 30 seconds.
skitch

climber
East of Heaven
Feb 11, 2015 - 02:21pm PT
My wife said to make sure and give the waitress the tip. . .but I decided to give the waitress both inches.
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Mar 22, 2015 - 01:41pm PT
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin for the guy that shot my paw."
If

Trad climber
UK
Mar 22, 2015 - 01:46pm PT
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar
And the barman says ......

"Is this a joke?"
Banquo

climber
Amerricka
Mar 22, 2015 - 03:28pm PT
I stood there wondering why the rock was getting larger and larger. Then it hit me.
MisterE

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Mar 22, 2015 - 04:54pm PT
Dyslexic bumpersticker:

Dylsexics Untie!
L

climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
Mar 22, 2015 - 05:41pm PT
Three blondes walk into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Flip Flop

climber
salad bowl, california
Mar 22, 2015 - 09:02pm PT
Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
MisterE

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Mar 22, 2015 - 09:10pm PT
Everyone jumped for Joy,

Joy jumped higher!
bookworm

Social climber
Falls Church, VA
Mar 23, 2015 - 09:19am PT
when hillary heard chelsea had a boyfriend at college, she decided it was time for the "talk"

hillary said, "chelsea, dear, i need you to be honest with me...are you having sex?"

chelsea thought for a moment, then smiled and said, "not according to daddy"
Stevee B

Trad climber
Oakland, CA
Mar 23, 2015 - 01:45pm PT
(This one needs to be said out loud)

What are the Super Mario Brothers's overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim
plund

Social climber
OD, MN
Mar 23, 2015 - 03:23pm PT
credit to South Park / comedybot

Why don't chickens wear pants?

'Cause their peckers are on their heads!


And a "paraphrased" Rodney....

The doctor tells me "You're overweight". I say "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly, too".
L

climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
Mar 23, 2015 - 03:24pm PT
"Okay, you're ugly, too".

LOL!
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:17pm PT
Q: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead?
A: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:18pm PT
Q: What happened when George Bush said Global Warming is happening at a faster pace then he expected?
A: A cabinent member pulled him aside and told him not to worry it's spring time.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:31pm PT
"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher


Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 23, 2015 - 05:33pm PT
In a tragic fire yesterday, the Tea Party lost everything in their official library.

All five books were burned to ashes.

Worse yet!

Three of them hadn't been colored in.
MisterE

Gym climber
Bishop, CA
Apr 4, 2015 - 11:04pm PT
What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Apr 5, 2015 - 12:07pm PT
You will never believe who I ran into today!






















scaredycat

Trad climber
Berkeley,CA
Apr 5, 2015 - 05:16pm PT


I think I'm in love with Fritz. Both for the above and for his "political" jokes.

Don't let it go to your head, dude!
Flip Flop

climber
salad bowl, california
Apr 5, 2015 - 06:06pm PT
What is the difference between a guide and the Buddha?

The Buddha knows that he's not a god.






Why is the Grand Canyon so wide on top?

So the guide can get his head down in it.
rmuir

Social climber
From the Time Before the Rocks Cooled.
Apr 5, 2015 - 06:52pm PT
Six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Apr 6, 2015 - 12:39am PT
Fritz, that is awfully funny.
Flip Flop

climber
salad bowl, california
Apr 28, 2015 - 07:18am PT
Why do women fake orgasms?


Because they think that we care.
Gorgeous George

Trad climber
Los Angeles, California
Apr 28, 2015 - 12:38pm PT
George Bush was informed by the State Department that Brazilian troops were being sent into Iraq to assist the efforts.

Bush replied, great, how many is a brazilian?
thetennisguy

Mountain climber
Yuba City, CA
Apr 28, 2015 - 01:14pm PT
Why is Hillary running for President?



Because she wants to find out what it's like to sleep in the President's bed.
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Apr 28, 2015 - 01:33pm PT
"I heard that you won the candy eating contest.

Did they give you a trophy?"


"No, all I got was some dumb plaque."



(I made this up while sitting in the dentist chair recently.)
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Apr 28, 2015 - 04:06pm PT
Why cant you hear a pteridactyl got to the bathroom?





































































The "P" is silent.....
Reeotch

climber
4 Corners Area
Apr 28, 2015 - 04:19pm PT
New bathroom designation: "Trans-Jenner"
john hansen

climber
Apr 28, 2015 - 06:55pm PT
Bruce Gender
Gary

Social climber
From A Buick 6
Apr 28, 2015 - 07:37pm PT
What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal?

"I can't control my pupils!"
mcreel

climber
Barcelona
Apr 28, 2015 - 09:45pm PT
Termite goes into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
MisterE

Gym climber
Being In Sierra Happy Of Place
Apr 29, 2015 - 03:52pm PT
What do you call a little burro? Burrito!

What do you call a little judge? Judge Ito!

*I know, it's bad - but it's short!*
Norwegian

Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
Apr 29, 2015 - 05:25pm PT
what does a nosy pepper do?

it gets jalapeno business.
Gary

Social climber
From A Buick 6
Apr 29, 2015 - 08:21pm PT
How do you drown a Hipster?


In the mainstream.

Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
May 8, 2015 - 03:58pm PT
I was standing at the bar at Toronto International when this small Chinese
guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

He says "No, why the f*#k you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No, I said, it's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
Weenis

Trad climber
Tel Aviv
May 30, 2015 - 02:30pm PT
At a train station in Wyoming a cowboy, an Indian and a Muslim get on train. The three all exchange some small talk and after a bit the cowboy pulls his Stetson over his eyes for a nap. The Indian looks out at the plains rolling past and says to the Muslim "We were once many but now we are few".

The Muslim smiling, replies, "We were once few but now we are many".

The cowboy raises the brim of his hat and states "We haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet".
Gary

Social climber
From A Buick 6
Jun 8, 2015 - 10:03am PT
My mother-in-law will never live long enough to be as old as she looks.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 31, 2015 - 04:54pm PT
After years of wondering why he didn’t look like any of his siblings,
a man finally collected the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were adopted,” his mother replied as she started to cry softly,
“but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
johnboy

Trad climber
Can't get here from there
Aug 1, 2015 - 07:32pm PT
A guy was sitting with his wife that was on her death bed. She says to him, honey, I need to tell you something. I slept with your brother, your father and your best friend. The husband says, I know honey, thats why I poisoned you.
philo

climber
Aug 1, 2015 - 08:16pm PT
I think the guy I bought Velcro climbing shoes from was a drug dealer because they are laced and I keep tripping.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Aug 1, 2015 - 08:29pm PT
Little Johnny confides to a friend:

I used to have a cat that stuttered.

One day, I took the cat for a walk, & we ran into a Rottweiler.

The Rottweiler started growling and rushed my cat.

My stuttering cat started stuttering:

ffffsssss, & fffffffssssss,

but before it could say:

Fuk You!


The Rottweiler tore its head off.
Gary

Social climber
From A Buick 6
Aug 10, 2015 - 08:13am PT
A fellow is on hos deathbed. The doctor says it's his last night on Earth, he won't make it through the night.

He calls his wife over, says he'd like to have sex one more time. She refuses, "Look, I have to get up in the morning, you don't!"
cliffhanger

Trad climber
California
Aug 10, 2015 - 03:42pm PT
The other night there was this huge explosion because I foolishly tried to combine pasta with antipasta.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Aug 26, 2015 - 12:21pm PT
^^^ Good one!





A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS 460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist
was there waiting for the service manager when the mechanic shouted
across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves
out , I repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything
back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that
I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,

"try doing it with the engine running."
covelocos

Trad climber
Aug 26, 2015 - 02:05pm PT
why was the hippie drinking milk?




































'cause he liked ice cream before it was cool.
MisterE

Gym climber
Being In Sierra Happy Of Place
Sep 8, 2015 - 07:32pm PT
How do you know Chris Sharma is sponsored by Volkswagen?

Because he yells "Passat!" when he tries hard.
o-man

Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
Sep 10, 2015 - 08:47pm PT
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
o-man

Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
Sep 11, 2015 - 10:12pm PT
Bob and Jill are on their first date.

Bob: Tell me something about your self Jill.

Jill: Well Bob, I don't have AIDS.

Bob: That's a relief, I sure would hate to catch that s..t again !
o-man

Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
Sep 12, 2015 - 11:06am PT
George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Sep 12, 2015 - 06:29pm PT
The science teacher calls on MooseDrool to tell what he's learned about bees and wasps.

"First, the bees pollinate crops. Then you can make honey. Bees help to improve the environment. And bees are reluctant to sting."

"Very succinct. What have you to say to us about wasps?"

"Oh, they're just as#@&%es."
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Sep 12, 2015 - 08:51pm PT
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.
tuolumne_tradster

Trad climber
Leading Edge of North American Plate
Sep 12, 2015 - 10:39pm PT
[Click to View YouTube Video]
d-know

Trad climber
electric lady land
Sep 13, 2015 - 07:47am PT
The chief.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Sep 13, 2015 - 08:28am PT
A guy makes a trip to China looking for relocation sites for his company to lower labor and production costs. Shortly after his return he comes down with a severe rash and immediately sees a physician. "The prognosis is not good." says the doctor, "it will have to be cut off". Horrified, he seeks a second opinion but gets the same diagnosis.

Desperate he decides to go to the source and sees a Chinese doctor. With a strong accent the Chinese doctor informs him "I have seen this before".

"Well, can you do anything?" "The other doctors said they would have to cut it off!"

"These American doctors, are always cut, cut, cut."

"So you can do something?"

"No, it will fall off by itself."

stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Oct 10, 2015 - 11:25am PT
Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?




It has a sticker that says "I DA HO"
philo

climber
Oct 10, 2015 - 11:33am PT
Elderly couple is sitting in a crowded church during a sermon when the elderly lady leans towards her husband and whispers "I just had a silent fart".
The elderly man leans away from his wife and says " change the battery in your hearing aid".
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Oct 11, 2015 - 04:55pm PT
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blonde, a redneck, & a dog walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"





What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Through the chest wall with a sharp knife.

whitemeat

Trad climber
San Luis Obispo, CA
Oct 11, 2015 - 05:27pm PT
Joke 1
Wanna hear a joke about pizza?


Na it's too chessy.


Joke 2
What did the two oceans say to each other?



Nothing, they just waved..


Joke 3
You ever hear the one about the broken pencil?

Aw, there's no point...
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Dec 9, 2015 - 03:15pm PT
12 Days of Christmas Letters

http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christmas/12daysreply.html

k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Dec 9, 2015 - 03:47pm PT
The joke's in your hand.


Seen adorning the walls above many urinals across the land.
Scott07

Sport climber
SugarPine
Dec 9, 2015 - 07:45pm PT
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on ahead
insatiable

Mountain climber
santa cruz, ca
Dec 9, 2015 - 08:36pm PT
Why was the math book depressed?
Because it was full of problems.
H

Mountain climber
there and back again
Dec 9, 2015 - 08:44pm PT
I was just sent these. Very clever:

I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I didn't like my mustache at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Velcro -- what a rip off!
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
Dec 9, 2015 - 08:50pm PT
Not sure if this has been posted...

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy sh#t, I'm joking!
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
What did the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip"
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Dec 10, 2015 - 01:49pm PT
What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt"
Fossil climber

Trad climber
Atlin, B. C.
Dec 10, 2015 - 08:42pm PT
Annual checkup today. Asked the doc to look at a tiny, itchy birthmark. She checked it with a lens, said, "Must be a tattoo - it says Best before 08/99."
LOWERme

Trad climber
NM
Dec 10, 2015 - 09:20pm PT
Next time, put the potato in the FRONT of your speedos!

(I forget the rest of it.)
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Dec 12, 2015 - 01:38pm PT
What you call a chameleon that can not change color.

A reptile dysfunction.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 12, 2015 - 03:17pm PT
How about short cartoons?






Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Jan 6, 2016 - 06:02pm PT
Roger Breedlove

climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Jan 6, 2016 - 06:09pm PT
Two astrophysicists walk to the edge of a black hole....
MisterE

Gym climber
Small Town with a Big Back Yard
Jan 20, 2016 - 09:30pm PT
A doctor walks into the room with a waiting patient,

"I've got some good news, some bad news and some really bad news"

The patient says, "Give it to me straight, Doc."

The doctor clears his throat,

"The good news is, we got your diagnostics back.

The bad news is you have a week to live...















the really bad news is: I meant to get back to you last week."
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jan 20, 2016 - 10:45pm PT
Argh fritz beat me to em
I like his 1st one a lot.
This one takes a bit - it almost seems over the Dr's head
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jan 21, 2016 - 08:30am PT
If a Bra is an
UPPER TOPPER FLOPPER STOPPER
And a Jock Strap is a
LOWER DECKER PECKER CHECKER
&
A toilet is a
SUPER-DUPPER PEE & POOP REMOVER



What do you call a Japanese drummer boy who's father has diarrhea ?





A SLAP HAPPY JAPPY with an UN-HAPPY CRAPY PAPPY.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 22, 2016 - 07:56pm PT
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness since the auto accident.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything.
Unfortunately your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.
You have $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.
You must decide how many inches you want and it's important that your wife plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jan 31, 2016 - 04:52pm PT
My late wife used to tell me a bra was an OVER THE SHOULDER BOULDER HOLDER.

Have you ever bought gas and when you go into pay the guy inside says do you have gas?
I do not know how to respond,
"No, just indigestion,"
or "Pull my finger and find out!"

I heard on the news that Pluto and Neptune’s orbit cross every few hundred thousand years,
which made me think, eventually Pluto is going to shove Neptune into Uranus.
Stewart

Trad climber
Courtenay, B.C.
Jan 31, 2016 - 05:55pm PT
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

-H. L. Mencken
Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Jan 31, 2016 - 06:37pm PT
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Feb 8, 2016 - 02:17pm PT
Backpacking Stove Review

http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=274770&tn=0

" Well, it's more like "Eric trying to burn his house down AND kill himself, AND kill his kids, dogs, lizard, and goldfish" but that title was too long."
Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Feb 9, 2016 - 06:07pm PT
If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Feb 9, 2016 - 06:55pm PT
Um,

T A C O C A T
Sorry I spelled it dackwardz, - bizleksea'z a ditch....
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Feb 9, 2016 - 07:47pm PT
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

-H. L. Mencken

"A cynic is a man who sees things the way they really are."

Mark Twain


On another note...

Two women in heaven are talking about how they died.

“I froze to death. It wasn’t so bad, once I stopped shivering I felt all warm and just slipped away.”

“I died of a heart attack. I knew my husband was having an affair. One day I came home early thinking that I’d catch him in the act. I tore the whole house apart looking for her and got so upset that I had a heart attack.”

“You should have looked in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
wallyvirginia

Trad climber
Stockholm, Sweden
Feb 19, 2016 - 12:33am PT
Heard this live on a beach a couple of years ago. A guy to his really skinny legged friend:
 Nice shorts! Must be from Italy, right?
 No, why?
 I just figured since there's a couple of spaghettis sticking out down there.. =)
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Feb 19, 2016 - 12:39am PT
Mountain Project,
17 pages in response to the JTree route name of the climb next to
Walk On The Wild Side, the person driving that shjt show
His name is now a short joke - Owen David....YMMV

Mountain REJACKED
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Feb 19, 2016 - 06:25am PT

Offthemark.com by Mark Parisi
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Mar 5, 2016 - 02:12pm PT
"I just lost an electron."

"Are you share?"

"I'm positive."
Hoots

climber
Mammoth Lakes, CA
Mar 5, 2016 - 07:08pm PT
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Stones are famous for singing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud", while the Scottish sheep farmer is better know for yelling, "Hey, McCloud! Get off my EWE!"
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Mar 17, 2016 - 09:08am PT
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Gimme five beers."
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 19, 2016 - 09:50pm PT
A frog parked in a no parking zone.

He got toad.
Rock!...oopsie.

Trad climber
the pitch above you
Mar 28, 2016 - 02:08pm PT
Donald Trump is given the ability to talk to past presidents for advice (presumably by whoever put the massive OT blue buttplug on the moon, but I digress).
He starts at the beginning - Washington. Washington tells him "never tell a lie - always be truthful". Jefferson tells him "Spread liberty everywhere. All men should live under conditions of maximal personal liberty." Lincoln tells him "Go to the theater."
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 29, 2016 - 05:53am PT
I heard the Energizer Bunny was charged with battery.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 29, 2016 - 08:58am PT
I first posted this one in a Pate thread on how to identify someone who is not from your state. http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1199354&msg=1199709#msg1199709


I find that some well-traveled people, like Donini, are able to tell not only what state people are from, but where they attended college.

Donini was drinking and having fun with some younger members at an AAC meeting.

After a while, he pointed to a climber and said: “You went to school at Stanford, right”?

The climber smiled and said: “Yes, I did, but how do you know”?

Donini said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers, and I have gotten pretty good at guessing where they went to school.

A while later, he pointed to another climber and said: “You went to Dartmouth, right?”

Again, that climber asked Donini how he knew his school.

Donini smiled, and said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers. After that, it is pretty easy for me to guess where they went to school.”

A few drinks later Donini pointed to Pate and said: “Pate did you go to school at Boston College?”

Pate replied: “Maybe, but why do you think I went to Boston College?”

Donini replied: “It was an easy guess. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Apr 26, 2016 - 03:39pm PT
a young woman goes to her small-town physician and explains she recently noticed two strange green areas, one on each thigh.

The physician asks to see the green areas, and upon excamination & some thought says: "I remember you introducing your boyfriend to me at the country club a few weeks back." "He's a gypsy isn't he?"

The young lady says: "Why yes he is a gypsy."

"Tell him his earrings aren't gold."
james Colborn

Trad climber
Truckee, Ca
Apr 26, 2016 - 04:16pm PT
What do you call a woman who marries a hippie?

Misseshippie
guyman

Social climber
Moorpark, CA.
Apr 26, 2016 - 04:57pm PT
Things were getting very tight money-wise in the Jones household.

To help out, Mrs Jones agreed to go out and street-walk, you know turn some tricks.

She came home after the first night and declared, I made two hundred dollars and twentyfive cents!!!!!!


Mr. Jones askes "who gave you the twenty five cents?"

















































WHY ALL OF THEM, DEAR.
Bushman

climber
The state of quantum flux
May 11, 2016 - 10:00am PT
It's not short but I wrote it...

'The Little Blue Book'

Around the water cooler at a job site this utility worker says;
"So there's this guy. He's at work and his wife finds his little black book in the laundry...
She's looking at all of the names and phone numbers. There's about two pages of phone numbers, business contacts, friends, etc.

But on page three there's only a list of phone numbers with no names.
Like number one, then a phone number.
Number two, then a phone number. And so forth...all the way down for two more pages.
There's at least 80 or a hundred phone numbers with no names.

So she starts calling all these numbers...
And all these women start answering at the other end of the line.

The wife goes out and gets a little blue book.
And she fills it up cover to cover with the names and phone numbers of men that she gets out of the white pages.
Then she leaves it on the kitchen table under her coffee cup.

So this guy, the husband, he comes home from work.
Can't find his wife.
She doesn't answer her cel phone.
Couple hours go by he still can't reach her.

He sees the little blue book.
Flips through and starts calling numbers.
"I don't know any Maria" they all say when they answer.
"Yea right" he's thinking.
He storms through the house looking for some sign of her.
Her car's gone.
Her clothes and luggage... gone.

He looks in the little blue book again and flips to the last page and sees a question mark with a phone number.

He calls the number...
And gets the voicemail for their attorney."

-bushman
Gilroy

Social climber
Bolderado
May 11, 2016 - 10:20am PT
What kind of plant does a guy get his best buddy & male BFF?

A bromeliad.
Camahoo

Trad climber
Dead Pine Ridge, Ca
May 11, 2016 - 04:34pm PT
I use to be a practicing necrophiliac until that rotten cvnt split on me.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
May 20, 2016 - 03:30pm PT
^^^ eewwwww


What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
May 20, 2016 - 07:12pm PT
What did the buffalo say when they loaded her young bull in the back of an SUV?


















"Fvkking tourists..."
Tom

Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo CA
May 21, 2016 - 02:56am PT
Three other guys and a Mexican are car-pooling home after work.

The Mexican guy pulls out a beer while they are driving, and cracks it open.

The driver says, "HEY! What are you doing? That's illegal!!!!!"




The Mexican guy says, "Yeah, well, I'm illegal, my family is illegal, my entire existence is illegal. I'm gonna drink some illegal beer."

boomin

Trad climber
vermont
May 21, 2016 - 09:36am PT
Drove down to the pub to have a few with some friends. Ended up having a great time but got really smashed. As I was leaving the pub I thought, i'm in no shape to drive my car home. So I took a bus. I made it home OK ...which is amazing cause I've never driven a bus before.
mtnyoung

Trad climber
Twain Harte, California
Jun 3, 2016 - 11:43am PT
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Jun 3, 2016 - 12:22pm PT
Dummy Donald Dummy Drumpfs fingers
dikhed

climber
State of fugue and disbelief
Jun 3, 2016 - 12:25pm PT
probably already posted but I don't give a f*#k



Go to the urinal, look down into hand
dikhed

climber
State of fugue and disbelief
Jun 3, 2016 - 12:30pm PT
As I go through this thread there are some funny ones
survival

Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
Jun 3, 2016 - 12:32pm PT
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad that Donald Dick isn't gonna be president?
frank wyman

Mountain climber
montana
Jun 3, 2016 - 12:45pm PT
Went to the local bar with my wife last night. The locals starting shouting "PEDOPHILE!!" at me, Just because my wife is 22 and I'm 60... It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary...
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jun 4, 2016 - 07:19pm PT
Two Idaho men walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their farming operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the Idaho men looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The Idaho man strides over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
zBrown

Ice climber
Jun 4, 2016 - 07:26pm PT
Good joke and short too. What Trump has in his hand a the urinal.
rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Jun 30, 2016 - 09:43pm PT
mcreel

climber
Barcelona
Jun 30, 2016 - 11:33pm PT
Molecule says to the bartender "I think I just ionized!" Bartender says "Are you sure?" Molecule says "I'm positive"
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Jul 1, 2016 - 10:33am PT
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 1, 2016 - 12:45pm PT
What's the difference between beer nuts & deer nuts?

Beer nuts vary widely in price, but deer nuts are usually under a buck.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jul 1, 2016 - 01:54pm PT
Donald was having trouble in school and his teacher was always frustrated with his behavior.

One day Donald's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and lazy boy.

Donald’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Suddenly her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went so terribly wrong.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Donald, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

And you thought Donald was the doctor?
dikhed

climber
State of fugue and disbelief
Jul 1, 2016 - 02:00pm PT
some really good ones but that wasn't one of them
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jul 2, 2016 - 01:47pm PT
OK try this one

Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
dikhed

climber
State of fugue and disbelief
Jul 2, 2016 - 04:34pm PT
^^^^^YES! Good one
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2016 - 11:21pm PT
What do you call a girl with no arms? Sarah

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sarah.
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2016 - 11:24pm PT
An Irishman is sitting in a pub. A flamboyant Brit walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "How about a blow job?"

Irish fella beats the sh!t out of him, throws him into the street. bartenders asks, "What did he say to you?"

"I don't know. Something about a job."
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2016 - 11:28pm PT
You hear about the blond with the vibrator? She chipped her tooth.

What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cause he was a woman! Hey!

originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2016 - 11:33pm PT
How many Texans does it take to light a barbecue? Who gives a fvck. Fvck Texas.

August West

Trad climber
Where the wind blows strange
Jul 3, 2016 - 03:58pm PT
Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.
August West

Trad climber
Where the wind blows strange
Jul 3, 2016 - 03:59pm PT
Jesus, Muhammad, and the Buddha walk into a bar.
The bartender glances up and the goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up again, stares, goes back to cleaning.
Bartender looks up and stares for a long time.
Finally the bartender says, "OK guys, what's the punch line?".
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 3, 2016 - 04:01pm PT
Nice!
Gary

Social climber
Where in the hell is Major Kong?
Jul 3, 2016 - 05:15pm PT
^^ That's one lame joke.

The Buddha stops at a hot dog cart and tells the guy, "Make me one with everything."

The Buddha pays the cart guy and stands there expectantly. The guys says, "Change comes from within."
Lurkingtard

climber
Jul 3, 2016 - 06:36pm PT
Where does a general put his armies?




































In his sleevies.

Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Jul 3, 2016 - 07:43pm PT
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.








Unless you are at a funeral.
Lurkingtard

climber
Jul 3, 2016 - 08:36pm PT
What's the difference between a garbonso bean and a chickpea?


















































































I've never had a garbonso bean on my face.






;-)




~~~





Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jul 4, 2016 - 02:44am PT
^ ^ ^ ^ ^
If it's pee, she's drunk & you aren't doing it right.
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Jul 19, 2016 - 09:09pm PT
What kind of dog does a magician have?


A labradacabrador.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Jul 20, 2016 - 08:27am PT
A blond is strolling down a country road. She comes to a river that is flowing across, and there is no bridge. She looks up the river and down the river, but there is no bridge in sight.

Across the river she sees another blond strolling along the river, so the first blond calls across: "Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo. How do I get to the other side?"

The second blond looks at the first in obvious puzzlement for a moment and then calls back, "You are on the other side."
norm larson

climber
wilson, wyoming
Jul 20, 2016 - 08:40am PT
3 guys are having lunch. A blond, a redhead, and a guy with black hair.
The guy with the black hair says, my wife is so stupid. She bought a whole side of beef but we are vegetarians and we don't even have a freezer.
Redhead says my wife is really stupid too. She just bought a convertible though she doesn't know how to drive and we don't have a garage.
Blond shakes his head and says you guys have it easy. My wife is so dumb she's going on a business trip to Mexico for a week and she bought a whole case of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!
squishy

Mountain climber
Jul 20, 2016 - 09:19am PT
"ring ring
"is your refrigerator running?"
"yeah, why?"
"I want to vote for it!"
overwatch

climber
Arizona
Jul 20, 2016 - 09:24am PT
Anthony Jeselnik is one funny guy with his weird tiny hands , him and Tosh
Barbarian

climber
Jul 20, 2016 - 10:43am PT
Two astrophysicists walk to the edge of a black hole....

That sucks!



































Sorry. I couldn't resist.
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Jul 29, 2016 - 06:50pm PT
terrorist bomber skits

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT43iX9fKT4
perswig

climber
Jul 30, 2016 - 03:32am PT
Two fronts walk into an isobar...

Dale
Rock!...oopsie.

Trad climber
the pitch above you
Jul 30, 2016 - 05:38am PT
Wow, that terrorist skits video is totally racist and inflammatory but I guess gets points for the no f*#ks given approach to comedy (I laughed and felt shame for doing so). It's groundbreaking in that it is the absolute dumbest idea I've seen people film themselves doing. I blame Ali G for paving the way to that level of stupid.

If they keep at it the BEST case scenario is someone will beat the living sh#t out of them before they end up in jail, shot, or actually hurt/kill someone by "accident".
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jul 30, 2016 - 09:17am PT
What sound does a grand piano make if you drop it in a hole?




















'A' 'Phlat' 'minor' . . .



~So; the wrong crowd~

This mornings gathering,for short ones' -//Hey I Resemble that remark,
a topic I'm intimately aware is fundamental to the text/mexed-up, fare served here
Doesn't belong here, in this thread of Short jokes, it has been a respite from you're, Jody,
Constant banter as if it made a difference. Our kind -the superior white middle-aged males'
Dominance is in decline.
politics? Religion ? Other things ? Short jokes?
Here is a riddle for you, what?
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Jul 30, 2016 - 09:32am PT
Big J's last words on the cross: "so much for nepotism."











Why doesn't Jesus like Snicker's?






















because HE DOESN'T F*#KING EXIST





overwatch

climber
Arizona
Jul 30, 2016 - 09:39am PT

Terrorist bomber skits are the bomb.

Those guys deserve whatever happens to them
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 30, 2016 - 10:23am PT
The plot to murder Hugh Morris thickens.
JC Marin

Trad climber
CA
Jul 30, 2016 - 09:16pm PT
Q: What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?

A: Dude...this music sucks
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Jul 30, 2016 - 10:00pm PT
Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer.
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Jul 30, 2016 - 10:56pm PT
BLUEBLOCR

Social climber
joshua tree
Jul 30, 2016 - 11:14pm PT
^^^hate is not a joke

and you aint brave!
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Jul 30, 2016 - 11:25pm PT
hey man I just shows 'em like I seen 'em.

Sorta like the cop and the Negro, eh?
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Aug 17, 2016 - 05:51pm PT
Vertical Limit Guide to Climbing - Always place your nitroglycerin deep in your pack. Never tie it on the outside!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxtg7raPDYo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPVzfjXxF28

thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Aug 18, 2016 - 05:22am PT
Two dudes walkin' down the street. They pass a dog sittin' in a doorway licking away at its own genitals. First guy says: "Man, I sure wish I could do that.".


Second guy says, "Lick a dog's balls?"
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Aug 18, 2016 - 09:16am PT
I could tell you the one about a pizza, but it's too cheesy.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Sep 13, 2016 - 07:07am PT
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'
i-b-goB

Social climber
Wise Acres
Sep 20, 2016 - 07:48pm PT
What do you call an italian hooker?















A pastatute!
Lorenzo

Trad climber
Portland Oregon
Sep 20, 2016 - 08:30pm PT
Ever wonder why the NIH stopped using rats for their experiments?

They are using lawyers instead. They are cheaper, nobody forms emotional attachments to them, and there are some things rats just won't do.
Lorenzo

Trad climber
Portland Oregon
Sep 21, 2016 - 01:48am PT

Aug 18, 2016 - 05:22am PT
Two dudes walkin' down the street. They pass a dog sittin' in a doorway licking away at its own genitals. First guy says: "Man, I sure wish I could do that.".


Second guy says, "Lick a dog's balls?"
The way I heard it was.

" ok, but I'd pet him, first."
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Sep 21, 2016 - 05:14am PT
It sounds like going indoors to go climbing is no joke?

You might need to learn the ropes, Palm Down on the brake hand

Turn in you're (hero) Man card & put your 'junk'' in a jar when you go to a gym,

" No Creepy lookin'' at her or him.

Let's invade Afganistan . . . For the oil? . . . No, for the generation destroyed by Herion.

Coming in a close third:

It was 4am, I was still, and completely under the influence of a Big Ditch high.
Nothing quite like the end of a multi-day multi-climb, dehydrated August sojourn in the Valley
to make you leave your vehicle un-attended unlocked with thousands of dollars of kit
and in a urban neighborhood.



Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Sep 21, 2016 - 01:36pm PT
Being from the backwoods of New Hampshire, I find that I'm still a bit socially awkward at times.

The other day, in line at the Boulder Whole Foods, I was behind a striking young lass who had obviously hurried in after hours in the car; the rear of her skirt was stuck between her perfectly shaped ass cheeks. Trying to do her a favor without causing a scene, I quietly pulled the fabric free from its sweaty confines. She promptly wheeled around and slapped my face.

You can imagine my embarrassment for having assumed that she wanted it out! Fortunately I was able to remedy the situation a few moments later when I did the logical thing and tucked it back in place while she fumbled with the credit card machine.
i-b-goB

Social climber
Wise Acres
Oct 2, 2016 - 04:38pm PT
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom? "

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies,
what happens to them?

She said, " Most of them become taxi drivers! "
stunewberry

Trad climber
Spokane, WA
Oct 2, 2016 - 07:47pm PT
Donald Trump. Shortest joke there is.
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Oct 2, 2016 - 08:04pm PT
bentelbow

climber
spud state
Oct 19, 2016 - 06:27am PT
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
“Alright officer, we’ll do it”
Edge

Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
Nov 9, 2016 - 11:19am PT
What goes, "clip clop, bang bang, clip clop?"






An Amish drive-by shooting.
JOEY.F

Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
Nov 9, 2016 - 11:40am PT
"Keep well watered."

But I don't have a well...
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Nov 10, 2016 - 07:14pm PT
Child: "Daddy, how do stars die?"

Father: "Drugs, normally."



Officer fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job.

No exact details were given, but he was a high wanking officer.
John M

climber
Nov 10, 2016 - 07:16pm PT
Trump was right.

The Mexicans are building and paying for the wall.











To keep the Americans out..
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Nov 10, 2016 - 10:00pm PT
Live every day like it's your last.

Sooner or later you'll be right.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Nov 21, 2016 - 06:35pm PT
You know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz?

I was at his office, he told me he needed a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample. So I left my underwear and went home.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 21, 2016 - 07:17pm PT
On my occasional shopping trips to Boise, I've been enjoying a great new supermarket.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Dec 17, 2016 - 12:32pm PT
What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car showroom?

Audi!
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 22, 2016 - 12:05pm PT
A blond is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
donini

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
Dec 22, 2016 - 12:12pm PT
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender..." I'm a narcissitic bully and totally unqualified but I can become President of these fair lands even if I get 2.9 million less votes then my opponent."
The bartender replies..."get outta here, you're already drunk."

And the joke is on who?
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:08pm PT
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:16pm PT


rockermike

Trad climber
Berkeley
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:17pm PT
EdBannister

Mountain climber
13,000 feet
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:22pm PT
two Irish men walk out of a bar...
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:27pm PT
One Irishman to another:

"Mate, when I'm dead and gone, will you pour some fine whiskey over my grave on Saturday evenings?"

"Of course, my friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Dec 24, 2016 - 09:35pm PT
Y'all think that shiz is funny, eh?

My great Uncle Jimmy worked at Jamison's. One day he fell into one of the big vats.
He bravely fought them off til the end.

When I went off to university me mum would write:

"Dear son, I know you can't read very well so I'm writing this slowly."
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Dec 26, 2016 - 10:10pm PT
"Daddy, how do stars die?"







"Drugs, normally."
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Dec 26, 2016 - 10:39pm PT

How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?

A beard
Always the same clothes
Works one day a year
Sticker on sleigh: I do it in chimneys

Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Dec 27, 2016 - 06:57am PT
There was a knock at the door.

"Mrs. Brennan, we have terrible news for you. While working at the brewery your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh! My poor husband! It must have been horrible!"

"Ay. We pulled him out three times."

k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Dec 27, 2016 - 03:45pm PT
"Daddy, how do stars die?"


[Click to View YouTube Video]
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Dec 27, 2016 - 04:31pm PT
A couple of old jews are in the rest home, a widow and a widower. One day they get married.

On their honeymoon night, they begin fooling around, when the old window pulls up and says, "Now-a wait a minute Howie. There's-a one-a thing-a I gotta to tell-a you, Just-a so you-a know. When you're-a feeling up-a for a little hokey pokey, you-a know" and she knudges him, "you-a gotta a-squeeze-a my-a right-a tit. You-a squeeze it a-three-a times. OK. And-a if you-a don't-a want-a hokey-pokey, you-a know, you-a squeeze-a my left-a tit. a-One-a time. OK?"

"Yes, I think-a I understand-a you. OK, I-a squeeze-a your tit. Three times. Uh-huh, OK."

"And-a Brandy, there's-a one-a more thing-a for-a you. When you feel-a like-a little tussle, you-a know, you-a reach-a down here," and Howie puts his hand on his member, "and-a you-a know, you-a pull me, like-a two times, OK, when-a you-a wanna do it. You-a pull me two times." He nods. "And-a if you-a don't-a feel-a like-a messin' around, you-a know, you-a reach-a down and you-a pull-a me, like-a seventy-two times, uh-huh."
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Dec 27, 2016 - 05:12pm PT
The elderly couple explained to a divorce lawyer, that due to irreconcilable differences, they wanted a divorce.

The young lawyer, was somewhat surprised.

He asked how old they each were.

They explained that Pa was 88 & Ma was 87 years old & they had been married for seventy years.

The lawyer asked: "After being married for seventy years, why do you want to get divorced now?"

Ma leaned forward and replied:

"We were waiting for our children to die."
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
Dec 27, 2016 - 07:47pm PT
That reminds me...

Customer in a restaurant: How do you prepare your chickens?
Cook: Oh, nothing special really. We just tell them they're gonna die.
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Dec 27, 2016 - 08:42pm PT
Darwin

Trad climber
Seattle, WA
Dec 27, 2016 - 11:07pm PT
^ Thanks Jim.
Marlow

Sport climber
OSLO
Feb 2, 2017 - 10:54am PT

 If you were stranded on an island, who would you bring along?
 Then I'd take one for the team and bring along Donald Trump

Lars Tollef Jordet
kunlun_shan

Mountain climber
SF, CA
Feb 8, 2017 - 12:22pm PT
Mexicans were asked what they thought of the proposed wall.

They replied.

"We are very upset about it, but we'll get over it."
nita

Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
Feb 8, 2017 - 04:18pm PT
*

Alternative facts thread gone..
Stupid Merican

climber
Crankloon, OH
Feb 18, 2017 - 03:29pm PT
BUMP!

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.


Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?

This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses can't jump.



Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!



I come from a mixed race family.

My Mum did the 800m, and my Dad's Indian.



What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.



9/11 jokes aren't funny.

But the other 2 are!



I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket.

"Hey wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"



Why does a chicken coop have two doors?


Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.



What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


Aye Matey


What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire.






mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 18, 2017 - 04:04pm PT
A swami came untied from his rope and then he fell.
He should have used a bowline-on-a-coil, we could tell.
Now he's coiling kinky goldline down in hell.
BigB

Trad climber
Red Rock
Mar 16, 2017 - 03:11pm PT
Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?






A: Because they taste funny.









 
Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?







A: Nothing.
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
Mar 27, 2017 - 06:42pm PT
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 27, 2017 - 07:19pm PT
7SacredPools! That's a good stab at an Epipen joke, but I'm not sure readers will get the point.

However, I've got nothing but cartoons tonight.



SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Mar 29, 2017 - 06:46pm PT


Puns for Educated?Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Mar 29, 2017 - 07:01pm PT
Steve, this is a great collection!
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Aug 21, 2017 - 09:36pm PT
Had a good chuckle with these...





I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40"

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"




What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Aug 22, 2017 - 07:31am PT
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Sep 5, 2017 - 08:51am PT
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
skitch

Gym climber
Bend Or
Sep 5, 2017 - 11:23am PT
A priest and a rabbi went on a long hike, when they get back to the trailhead they decide to skinny dip in the lake since no one is around... a bus full of the rabbi and the priest's youth congregation pulls up...so the priest covers his junk with his hands and the rabbi covers his face with his hands...the rabbi says "my congregation recognizes ME by my face...."
L

climber
Tiptoeing through the chilly waters of life
Sep 25, 2017 - 01:11pm PT
Just received this one.....it's a little longer, but worth the read.

Cajones de Toro

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter, and called to the waiter.

"These are delicious," he said,"but they are so much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes, it is the bull that wins."
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Sep 25, 2017 - 01:48pm PT
Just heard this morning...

Los Cojones del Burrito

A turista in TJ sees Tio Che sitting in the shade of a wall. His burro, Burrito, stands languidly by, swatting flies with its tail.

She approaches and asks to take his photo. He holds out his right hand and says two dollars, por favor. She pays him and takes the photo, then asks him what the time is.

Tio Che reaches over to Burrito, lifts his ball sack a couple of inches, and proclaims it is a quarter to twelve. This amazes her no end.

She finds her husband and returns and gives Tio Che another two bucks and asks the time. It is now noon, according to the burro balls.

The husband asks Tio Che how he can tell the time this way.

"Easy, senor. There's a clock in the church tower down the street, but this burro is in the way."

Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Oct 15, 2017 - 06:52pm PT
As a senior ST member was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Honey, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate between here & the city."

"Please be careful!"

"No Schist!" screamed her husband, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them going the wrong way, & they are all coming towards me!!"






norm larson

climber
wilson, wyoming
Oct 16, 2017 - 04:17am PT
If you are going to take a Mormon fishing it's better to take two. If you take just one he'll drink all your beer.
Jon Beck

Trad climber
Oceanside
Nov 5, 2017 - 09:02pm PT
Paul Ryan, Ayn Rand and Rand Paul walk into a bar
Bartender serves them tainted drinks because there is no regulation
They all die.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Nov 5, 2017 - 09:51pm PT
Norm, we want jokes, not facts.
norm larson

climber
wilson, wyoming
Nov 6, 2017 - 03:52am PT
OK an old junior high classic then.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they stink and they are ugly.
Bushman

climber
The state of quantum flux
Nov 22, 2017 - 03:10pm PT

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?














...because it was over 90°
the museum

Trad climber
Nov 22, 2017 - 05:58pm PT
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

the museum
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 22, 2017 - 06:37pm PT
A black man, with a pegleg, pirate hat, eyepatch, & a large parrot on his shoulder, goes into an uncrowded tavern & takes a seat at the bar.

The friendly bartender walks up, takes his drink order & after bringing the drink says:

"That's really something! Where did you find it?"

The parrot replies,

"Africa, there's millions of them over there."
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Dec 1, 2017 - 03:14pm PT

What do you call a white duck?










A quacker.
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
Dec 2, 2017 - 08:31pm PT
Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Baauuhh!"
yosemite 5.9

climber
santa cruz
Dec 10, 2017 - 06:16pm PT
I hate being bipolar. It's great!