Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
|
|
|
Mar 24, 2018 - 07:46pm PT
|
Why don't boxers have sex before a match?
They don't fancy each other.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 25, 2018 - 11:03am PT
|
LOUIS RAMEY: ALL GAY PLATOON
If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gay platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my ass to think my ass is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?
DWAYNE KENNEDY: 9/11 REACTION
I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.
THE BILL CLINTON SALE
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?
A: All pants half off.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 25, 2018 - 11:09am PT
|
DAVID FELDMAN: CLINTON-LEWINSKY SCANDAL
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
DAVE MORDAL: WORKAHOLISM
Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
:)
|
|
Tom
Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo CA
|
|
|
Mar 25, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
|
Two bars go into a duck.
They were candy bars thrown by tourists.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 26, 2018 - 02:32am PT
|
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 26, 2018 - 02:33am PT
|
THE BEST PUB FOR FREE DRINKS
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
|
|
divad
Trad climber
wmass
|
|
|
Mar 27, 2018 - 02:28pm PT
|
Why are lawyers declining to join the trump team?
Rats know when the ship is sinking.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 27, 2018 - 08:19pm PT
|
DAVE MORDAL: ILLEGAL CIGARETTES
Isn't it amazing how cigarette smoking is becoming illegal, but marijuana's becoming decriminalized? Do you know that in a few years I'm going to have to pretend I'm getting high in order to enjoy a Camel Light? I'm going to have to take the filter off, twist the ends up -- 'For the next hour and a half, act like my I.Q.'s dropped 80 points.'
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 27, 2018 - 08:20pm PT
|
I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 27, 2018 - 08:22pm PT
|
JAMIE LEE: SPECIAL OCCASIONS
I only drink when it's a special occasion. Like when it's someone's birthday on Facebook.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 29, 2018 - 06:31am PT
|
Bob M. A MAN, A DRINKER
I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, 'I am the man. I am a drinker.' And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, 'I got away with it.' And the toilet said, 'No you didn't. Get over here and pray to me, bitch.'
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Mar 30, 2018 - 05:53am PT
|
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God. I love my new Taser!
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 31, 2018 - 10:45am PT
|
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST BRAIN CELLS
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
RUSS MENEVE: CALLING ME NAMES
I had to fight this guy because he was calling me names from across the street, right? Then he calls me 'chicken' -- screw that, right? Instead of proving I'm not chicken, I crossed the road to get to the other side.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
THE MARINE SHARES A ROOM
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
|
|
Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
Three co-workers were on a multi-day business road trip together. One was Catholic, one an Evangelical Christian, & one a polygamist.
During a long stretch of driving through a desert & making small talk, the Catholic mentions with some wonder that he has 5 children, which is enough for a baseball team.
Without hesitation, the Evangelical says he has enough children for a football team.
After a few minutes of thought, the polygamist replies that he has lost track of his children, but he has enough wives for a golf course.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!