Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
CORY KAHANEY: LAWYER HUSBAND RIP-OFF
I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it's like? It's like I finally banged a rock star, but he's with a Christian band.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
RON WHITE: CALLING HOME FROM THE ROAD
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'
|
|
originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
|
|
DAVE ATTELL:
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I once said that on a first date while climbing into the back of a girls 4Runner with her. Hilarious.
|
|
Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
What's the difference between erotic & kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
|
|
Steven Amter
climber
Washington, DC
|
|
What do you do with a giraffe with that has three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the donkey.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 10, 2018 - 08:03am PT
|
MICHAEL KOSTA: DATING A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR
Went on a date recently with a woman in a wheelchair. And I stood her up. Not surprisingly, that's when she fell for me and, you know what, then it became a bit of a drag. But now we're on a roll.
|
|
perswig
climber
|
|
|
Mar 10, 2018 - 09:52am PT
|
Monica’s voting...
Doesn't matter.
Women voters are vastly inferior to male voters.
Duh.
Dale
|
|
Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
|
|
|
Mar 10, 2018 - 12:28pm PT
|
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hire a Mexican and have it done properly the first time.
Q: How many teenagers from northern California does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hella!
Q: How long do they take to do it?
A: For days man, for days...
|
|
mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
|
Mar 10, 2018 - 05:39pm PT
|
Warbler, according to the spirit behind the song "I'm A Woman,"
just one woman could do all that and still find a way to bitch at you for not changing it yourself. :0)
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...she gets to hold the bulb while the world revolves around her.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Mar 13, 2018 - 07:23am PT
|
Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 14, 2018 - 09:14pm PT
|
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Mar 14, 2018 - 09:20pm PT
|
J.J. WALL: STUPID PREJUDICE
I think prejudice is one of the most stupid things on Earth because there are so many perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis.
|
|
Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 15, 2018 - 07:58pm PT
|
And the difference between Kellyanne CONway
& the Suez Canal?
The Suez Canal is a "Busy Ditch."
|
|
Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Mar 15, 2018 - 08:02pm PT
|
We've all seen some of the two-cow economy cartoons, but I saw some new ones (to me) today.
|
|
frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
|
|
|
Mar 16, 2018 - 05:49am PT
|
I'm having one of those "Murphys law" type days...You know,If anything can go wrong it will. Well has anyone heard of "Coles law"?...no..Well you start with Finely cut cabbage and....
|
|
7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
|
|
|
Mar 21, 2018 - 12:48pm PT
|
I asked my North Korean friend how things are going there.
He said "I can't complain."
|
|
RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
|
|
|
Mar 21, 2018 - 04:38pm PT
|
This one time in n00b camp? Cosmic thought I was Gnome? LOL!
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Mar 21, 2018 - 06:15pm PT
|
A real letter......
Great sense of wry humor in trying circumstances.
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!