I need some jokes - short ones.

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Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 12, 2018 - 07:27pm PT
Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 12, 2018 - 07:51pm PT
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife...... the word is sternum."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 12, 2018 - 08:02pm PT
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 12, 2018 - 10:21pm PT
Winemaker, that got a few laughs from my wife. I'm sure she thinks the $50 seems low :)
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 12, 2018 - 10:28pm PT

WIDOW'S FUTURE

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 12, 2018 - 10:30pm PT

MARC MARON: NOT BUYING MY WIFE A GUN

There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 14, 2018 - 05:29pm PT

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,

it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,

it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,

it could be your bloodshot eyes,

but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 14, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
Dirtbag funnies.

Q: How can you spot a trad climber at a party?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

Bouldering is like masturbation:
not as good as the real thing but you don’t need to worry about pro.

Q: What do you call a climber who has recently been dumped?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many climbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Climbers don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.
photo not found
Missing photo ID#524037
Q: How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A: He’s got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.


My favorite?
Q: How many boulderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 7 — 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb and 6 to cheer him on.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:22pm PT

MOUSE DROPPINGS

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"





(Thought Mouse might enjoy this one :)
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:29pm PT

JORDAN RUBIN: DRUNK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY

They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell. They're like, 'Is she attractive?'

dfrost7

Social climber
Long Beach, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
What's the difference between a Kleenex and a tablecloth?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT

Snot alot?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
TEXAN POETRY

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
THOSE LOVELY FARMER'S DAUGHTERS



A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.
T Hocking

Trad climber
Redding, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:46pm PT
^^^
LOL
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Feb 14, 2018 - 08:24pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones.


Don't look here.
The jokes in your hands
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 14, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
A parrot wound up in a bird rescue. A woman came in looking to adopt, and was told, "The police brought him in after they shut down a brothel and nobody claimed him. He's tame and friendly but his language is a little, um, colorful..." She said, "Oh, I don't mind at all. Poor bird, he doesn't know what he's saying. We'll give him a good home."

She brought him home and set him up in a new cage. He climbed into his perch, preened, looked around and said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam! Hi, madam!"

Her two teenage daughters came home from school. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores! Hi, ladies!"

Then her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores, same old Larry! Hi, Larry!"
DaveyTree

Trad climber
Fresno
Feb 15, 2018 - 03:52pm PT
I hate being bi-polar is awesome
RURP_Belay

Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
Feb 15, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
I went to a fight once

and a hockey game broke out!
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:07am PT

DIVORCE & CIRCUMCISION

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.


DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.


BILL CLINTON'S DNA

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI


THE JEWISH VOTE

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
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