I need some jokes - short ones.

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mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 14, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
Dirtbag funnies.

Q: How can you spot a trad climber at a party?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

Bouldering is like masturbation:
not as good as the real thing but you don’t need to worry about pro.

Q: What do you call a climber who has recently been dumped?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many climbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Climbers don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.
photo not found
Missing photo ID#524037
Q: How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A: He’s got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.


My favorite?
Q: How many boulderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 7 — 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb and 6 to cheer him on.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:22pm PT

MOUSE DROPPINGS

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"





(Thought Mouse might enjoy this one :)
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:29pm PT

JORDAN RUBIN: DRUNK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY

They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell. They're like, 'Is she attractive?'

dfrost7

Social climber
Long Beach, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
What's the difference between a Kleenex and a tablecloth?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT

Snot alot?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
TEXAN POETRY

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
THOSE LOVELY FARMER'S DAUGHTERS



A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.
T Hocking

Trad climber
Redding, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:46pm PT
^^^
LOL
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Feb 14, 2018 - 08:24pm PT
I need some jokes - short ones.


Don't look here.
The jokes in your hands
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 14, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
A parrot wound up in a bird rescue. A woman came in looking to adopt, and was told, "The police brought him in after they shut down a brothel and nobody claimed him. He's tame and friendly but his language is a little, um, colorful..." She said, "Oh, I don't mind at all. Poor bird, he doesn't know what he's saying. We'll give him a good home."

She brought him home and set him up in a new cage. He climbed into his perch, preened, looked around and said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam! Hi, madam!"

Her two teenage daughters came home from school. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores! Hi, ladies!"

Then her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores, same old Larry! Hi, Larry!"
DaveyTree

Trad climber
Fresno
Feb 15, 2018 - 03:52pm PT
I hate being bi-polar is awesome
RURP_Belay

Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
Feb 15, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
I went to a fight once

and a hockey game broke out!
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:07am PT

DIVORCE & CIRCUMCISION

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.


DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.


BILL CLINTON'S DNA

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI


THE JEWISH VOTE

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:41am PT
I'm still for hire, Cheap 'n wyde(Eye'd)
Oops . . .

I thought you were looking for short Johns

didn't have my glasses on
carry on

just don't shjt the mouse,


`



Oh -
& ya got that right Clinker;


`
O-b-lame-me? hah,it is all the bushes fault!

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Feb 16, 2018 - 11:35am PT
How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the frying pan?

You take their little brooms away. [badda-boom!]
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 16, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
A woman was sipping her glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says “I love you so much, you make my life so much better. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband smiles, touched by what he hears. He thinks “How sweet”.
He looks at her and asks, “Is that you talking or is it the wine talking?
She doesn’t look up but says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Feb 16, 2018 - 05:41pm PT
A gnome who joined a nudist colony only two weeks ago was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.


When is a Gnome not a Gnome?
When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress he's a Goblin!


How can you recognize a Gnome Pig? Theyre the ones with the little red hats.

Why do gnomes always laugh when they run?
because the grass tickles their balls.

How many gnomes do you need to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A gnome, I can't reach the doorbell!

What's the difference between an accident and a tragedy?
An accident is a ship full of gnomes sinking. A tragedy is if they can swim.

A woman who was happily married to a gnome for only one year is now seeking a divorce.

She stated in a recent press interview “ I knew he was extremely short when I married him, but when it came to sex there were problems. When we were nose to nose his toes were in it and when he was
in it, he disappeared altogether and I had no one to talk to.......and I am sick and tired of him putting a bucket on my head and swinging on the handle!”

Since gnomes have come out and into the world of work they have found many new employment opportunities. A spokesman from Macdonalds said “ We like to employ gnomes because they have a good sense of humour and they make the burgers look bigger”





Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:28pm PT
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland at Bondi Beach in Oz couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedo and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.
Charlie D.

Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
Feb 16, 2018 - 07:12pm PT
Why does Trump have long orange comb-over hair?
To hide his circumsission.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Feb 16, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
I fear for thou, Charlie D, thou hast incurred a most propitious post number,
or perhaps thou walketh a path immune to such mundane concerns.
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