I need some jokes - short ones.

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clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:29pm PT

JORDAN RUBIN: DRUNK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY

They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell. They're like, 'Is she attractive?'

dfrost7

Social climber
Long Beach, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
What's the difference between a Kleenex and a tablecloth?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT

Snot alot?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
TEXAN POETRY

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
THOSE LOVELY FARMER'S DAUGHTERS



A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.
T Hocking

Trad climber
Redding, Ca
Feb 14, 2018 - 07:46pm PT
^^^
LOL
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Feb 14, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
A parrot wound up in a bird rescue. A woman came in looking to adopt, and was told, "The police brought him in after they shut down a brothel and nobody claimed him. He's tame and friendly but his language is a little, um, colorful..." She said, "Oh, I don't mind at all. Poor bird, he doesn't know what he's saying. We'll give him a good home."

She brought him home and set him up in a new cage. He climbed into his perch, preened, looked around and said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam! Hi, madam!"

Her two teenage daughters came home from school. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores! Hi, ladies!"

Then her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores, same old Larry! Hi, Larry!"
DaveyTree

Trad climber
Fresno
Feb 15, 2018 - 03:52pm PT
I hate being bi-polar is awesome
RURP_Belay

Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
Feb 15, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
I went to a fight once

and a hockey game broke out!
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:07am PT

DIVORCE & CIRCUMCISION

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.


DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.


BILL CLINTON'S DNA

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI


THE JEWISH VOTE

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:41am PT
I'm still for hire, Cheap 'n wyde(Eye'd)
Oops . . .

I thought you were looking for short Johns

didn't have my glasses on
carry on

just don't shjt the mouse,


`



Oh -
& ya got that right Clinker;


`
O-b-lame-me? hah,it is all the bushes fault!

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Feb 16, 2018 - 11:35am PT
How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the frying pan?

You take their little brooms away. [badda-boom!]
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 16, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
A woman was sipping her glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says “I love you so much, you make my life so much better. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband smiles, touched by what he hears. He thinks “How sweet”.
He looks at her and asks, “Is that you talking or is it the wine talking?
She doesn’t look up but says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:28pm PT
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland at Bondi Beach in Oz couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedo and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.
Charlie D.

Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
Feb 16, 2018 - 07:12pm PT
Why does Trump have long orange comb-over hair?
To hide his circumsission.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Feb 16, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
I fear for thou, Charlie D, thou hast incurred a most propitious post number,
or perhaps thou walketh a path immune to such mundane concerns.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 17, 2018 - 05:43am PT

BLONDE LOVE-HANDLES

A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside. He says, "I will grant you three wishes."

The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear."

The genie replies, "Your wish is my command."

The blonde exclaims, "Holy s**t! What did you do with my ears?"

clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 17, 2018 - 05:44am PT
MEN & LAVA LAMPS

Q: How are men like lava lamps?

A: They're fun to look at, but they're not that bright.



PS; The back story on this joke catching my eye.
Two ladies, before me in line at Home Depot earlier this week, were buying a lave lamp. I was surprise Home Depot was selling them. The checkout gal was saying how cool lava lamps are, the discussion carried on for a minute after the transaction was finished despite the three
of us guys waiting in line.

From Home Depots site: Product Overview
The Original Lava Lamp! Its everchanging patterns are hypnotizing, yet invigorating. It is an art form. Classic and at the same time progressive. It is pre-historic and post-modern. Lava is the core of Lava Lite. Our Lava Lamps range from small to gigantic; from subtle to overwhelming. Each lava lamp is filled with our hypnotizing mesmerizing lava blobatude (goo for those less technical). Simply stated if you need lava we have got one for every nook and cranny in your pad. You must wait 4 hours after initial plug in of your Lava Lamp for it work properly. Perfect for relaxing, decorating, or light up a party.

Watch the different-sized formations of the melted wax collide, flow, and split apart as they ooze their way up and down the glass globe
Provides relaxing, soft light

:)
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 17, 2018 - 06:30am PT

MICROSOFTIE

Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Feb 17, 2018 - 06:33am PT

MIKE DESTEFANO: FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN

Here's how a fundamentalist Christian tells you to go screw yourself. You ready? 'I'll pray for you.' That means 'F**k you,' in Christian.



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