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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Duck Off
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I already told you, we don't have any grapes."
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says,"HEY DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "DUCK, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES,
WE WILL NEVER HAVE GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION
ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR ORANGE BEAK TO THE BAR!"
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
"Got any grapes?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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DAVE ATTELL: THE KKK IN ALASKA
They are bitter. Why? There's only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a meeting, and they're like, 'We gotta get Eric.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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HARI KONDABOLU: LOVE CHOCOLATE
I love chocolate. Here's why I love chocolate so much. You see, in this country, a person is assumed to be white unless otherwise specified. That's why I like chocolate. Because when you first think of chocolate, you think of something brown. And if you think of white chocolate first, well, then you're a racist.
MARIA BAMFORD: DEPRESSED AMERICAN KIDS
I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
MARIA BAMFORD: CHARITY ON CAMERA
Like most Americans, I like to help others while being televised. I'd like to go to an area of the world where they really need my help. Like, 'We're here in sub-Saharan Africa because people sometimes have to walk tens of hundreds of miles for food, water and basic medical care -- and that's why we've chosen this village for an EXTREME MAKEOVER!'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TIFF WITH RILEY
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Q: What do you have when you've mixed vodka and milk of magnesia?
A: A Philips Screwdriver.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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A distraught looking man, with a duck sitting on his head, bursts into a pyschiatrist's office.
Startled, the pyschiatrist looks up and says:
"Can I help you?"
The duck replies:
"Yeah! Can you get this guy's head off my ass?"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Clinker, for the love of Mary, learn to spell!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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I post 'em like I find 'em an only the gud uns.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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JONATHAN CORBETT: TRYING TO QUIT DRINKING
My family actually had an intervention. They were like, 'Hey, listen, we're Irish Catholic. What's this quitting sh*t? You're breaking your father's heart. Your sister's getting married in two weeks. There's an open bar. Cut the sh*t.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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T.J. MILLER: INDIAN GIVER
Called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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A commercial airline flight from Iowa to Toronto experienced a problem with a blonde passenger. This is how they handled it.
During the flight, a blonde woman got up from her seat in economy-class, walked up front to First-Class, sat down, wouldn't leave, and asked the stewardess for a drink.
When the stewardess asked to see her ticket, and informed her that she didn't have a ticket for First Class, the blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The flustered stewardess went up to the cockpit, and informed the pilot & co-pilot of the problem. The co-pilot left the cockpit, and went back and informed the obstinate passenger that she would have to return to the seat she had been assigned. The blonde told him: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot & stewardess went back to the cabin to discuss the matter with the senior pilot, and advised him to radio ahead to Toronto to be prepared to remove an obstinate passenger upon arrival.
However, the pilot said: "Let me talk to her. I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde."
The pilot went back and informed the blonde that she was sitting in First Class without a ticket, and would have to go back to her assigned seat or be arrested upon arrival in Toronto. She just said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
Then he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She immediately said "Oh!," and dutifully got up and returned to her original seat.
When the pilot returned to the cockpit, the amazed stewardess related what had happened, and asked him how he'd done it.
He said: "I told her that First Class wasn't going to Toronto."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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PETER JOHANSSON: CUSTOMS SECURITY SEARCH
When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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per fritz's joke above: why so few irish lawyers? (can't pass the bar)
also, lawyers in heaven?
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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"He's now president for life. President for life. And he's great. I think it's great. Maybe we'll give that a shot someday."
- President Donald Trump, referring to China's President Xi Jinping
(March 4, 2018)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?”
The German replied, “Ya, that vill not be a problem.”
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?”
“Ya, that vill be done,” says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Vhy, ya.”
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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^^^^^^
This
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docsavage
Trad climber
Albuquerque, NM
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Man goes to see his doctor, says:
'Doc, what's wrong with me?'
'Well, one thing, you're going to have to stop masturbating.'
'Why?'
'Because I'm trying to examine you ... '
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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What's worse then a hippie drum circle?
Nothing.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Post 54 on this thread, by Reotech.
Worth sharing again & again.
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
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