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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 10, 2018 - 03:06am PT
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Here's one for Mntyoung,
FARMER JOE AND HIS MULE
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California, now Ireland
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Feb 10, 2018 - 03:31am PT
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I am a joke and I am short. Does that help? ;-)
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johnkelley
climber
Anchorage Alaska
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Feb 10, 2018 - 04:04am PT
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An Irishman walked out of the bar
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 10, 2018 - 07:37am PT
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THE PRAYING PARROT
A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:29am PT
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LOU DIMAGGIO: SPERMICIDE
The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort. 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:45am PT
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KENNY ROGERSON: SUICIDE SURPRISE
Last Thursday, there's an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, 'What's going on?' He says, 'Looks like your wife committed suicide.' I'm thinking, 'Oh great. Right before the weekend.' So I go down to the morgue to identify her body, and I spend half the day there browsing. The morgue guy pulls up the tray, pulls back the sheet, and I said, 'Yeah, that's her.' All of a sudden, he starts laughing. I said, 'What's so funny?' Next thing I know, the lights come on, she pops up -- 'Surprise! Happy Birthday!' I couldn't believe I fell for that two years in a row.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:52am PT
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AN ODD TALE
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
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Reeotch
climber
4 Corners Area
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:16am PT
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Inspired by a coworker:
You put the "I" in TEAMWORK.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:25am PT
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Clink, I trust you know that’s a common name in Norway (short for Oddvar)?
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 11, 2018 - 08:31am PT
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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 11, 2018 - 11:54am PT
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
After the delivery?
When does a dad joke become a mom joke?
When the punchline becomes transparent.
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WyoRockMan
climber
Grizzlyville, WY
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Feb 11, 2018 - 12:03pm PT
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Screaming barfies.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 02:10pm PT
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Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 11, 2018 - 04:52pm PT
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A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
The blade of the guillotine is raised and released. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. This is seen as a sign from God, and the priest is set free.
Next, the drunkard goes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. Once again, the blade stops inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the drunkard is set free.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. The executioner slowly raises the blade of the guillotine. Suddenly the engineer exclaims,
"Wait a minute! I see what your problem is."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:03pm PT
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Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? Have you heard from him lately?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:19pm PT
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FROG TALK
A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.
"Of course not," says the grandfather.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.
"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 11, 2018 - 06:42pm PT
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"Wait a minute! I see what your problem is."
F*cking classic. LOL
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Feb 11, 2018 - 07:18pm PT
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A Pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An Optimist sees the glass as half full.
An Engineer realizes that the glass is twice as large as it should be.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 06:59am PT
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HEAVEN VS. HELL
One night, God visits a preacher.
The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"
God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."
"What is Hell like?" he asks.
"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 12, 2018 - 09:42am PT
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A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
An optimist sees it half full.
A realist notes the glass is half full of piss.
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