Royal Arches 5.10b or 5.7 A0

  • Currently 5.0/5

Royal Arches Area

Yosemite Valley, California USA

Trip Report
New Route near Washington Column (A Trip Report)
Thursday October 1, 2009 6:31pm
Me and Coondog had been itchin' to git on some new stone lately. I wuz tired of the ol nine to five down at the baitshop and he just got his self laid off at the puppy chow plant after a scandal with the manager's twin sisters left him with a broken heart and nowhere to run to. We sat on the tailgate of my wife's International Scout and over a dozen Bud started hatchin' a plan. As the cans piled up the vision started to take shape. We wanted a new route. Somethin' big. Somethi' proud. Somethin relevant. Somethin to take away the pain. I had spied a potential line a few weeks prior while diggin' fer fishin' worms in the flowerbed behind the Ahwanee Hotel and with some boldness and a bit of git 'er dun we might just be able to pull it off . It was kinda alpiny and wandery and looked tasty. Just to the left of Washington Column but a bit right of Sons. Vergin stone....a real plum. I showed Coondog a photo and he was immediately game.

"Junior, we bag that route and General Lee will roll over in his grave with pride." "Pick me up manana at 3:45." "And bring breakfast."

We leave Fresno at 4:00am. Through the tunnel at 90mph.

We hit the lookout and stand in awe of Gods creation. It never gits old.

"Junior, you think that one in the back that looks like a half a Skoal Can will ever git climbed?"
"Not in out lifetime Coondog.....not in our lifetime....."

We park below the beast and scope the line.

We are rackin' and packin by six thirty.....right on time.

Right on time for Svenhardts that is! Man them swiss sher have breakfast dialed.

"We're goin' up there? Junior you must be outta yer mind! We're gunna DIE!!!!"

7:00 am finds me gruntin' an cursin' my way up a left leaning chimney that is kinda harder than I thought it might be. I sling a chockstone, stuff a tiny cam and punch it for a little tree. Today is no day fer chickins. When you're pushin a new route into the great unknown you gotta put that fear in yer back pocket. We scramble up some 3rd classy class and take in the sunrise as it spills into The Great Valley. The dawning of a new day is upon us and we bask in its warmth and glory.


We simul a bit, avoiding a big slippery gully by heading out right into a tasty linger crack. Then the unthinkable happens! We spy a couple dudes ahead of us! "Sun-of-a! You gotta be kiddn me!. Git up here Coondog! We got poachers ahead! Gimme the rope! I'm gunna show em what we do to tresspassers 'round here."

I grab the cord and start up fifty feet left of them. Right there near that little bush you can see in the photo above. "They wanna race? Lets give 'em one Junior!" "Dig dig dig...go boy go!"
I scamper up and set up a belay in a tree...
Turns out they are Brittish. Conrad and Mike (or so they say) are "on Holiday" for two weeks. They say we are on a route called Royal Arches and that it gets climbed kind of a lot. I think they are liars and that their cute little accents are phony. They say things like "On beelay Conrad!" and "Piss easy that!"
I think they are park rangers or communists.....or both. Either way I just want to git away from them before they take away our guns. They eyeball our mullets with envy.

Here I am makin' the pass. Dale Junior would be proud.
Them boys prolly didn't even know there was a Gun Show in town this weekend!

Her's one of em comin' up below us sometime after the pass. What color is that Communist flag again? Yup.

We hussle up to a ledge, grab a bite to eat.....then we see this poor fella stuck on a ledge, 1200feet off the deck! What the? No rope? In Tennies? at 10:00am? Poor fella musta been a tourist who got lost up on the rim and was takin the hard way down. "Yer gunna git hert up here boy!" "Git down from there, yer creepin' us out."

He said he was a park employee and that he "solos" this route a lot. Said he had already been to the top and was gonna be back down in an hour. We told him he was a dirty stinkin' commie liar and that we were on a new route, our route and that we didn't need his smart alec attitude ruining our prize climb. We told him to shut up and talk to the commies below if he wanted to make friends. We were here fer business not pleasure.

Higher up we come to an impass. A twenty foot sheet of blank granite smoother than a shot of Wild Turkey. "Uh Coondog? How we gonna climb that? Its gotta be like 5.16c...or harder evin."

"Watch how its dun Junior!"

Little did I know that Cooney had brought along a ski rope! Man that cat thinks of everything.
The gun show continues!

Coondog gittin' a mouthfull on like pitch seven or so...

We had been cruisin' for about five hours, we were past the main difficulties, when things started to git funky.
Coondog leads off on about pitch 12 or so and the rope gits quiet fer about twenty minutes. I'm sittin in a "beelay" tree, joined by our new Brittish friends when the rope goes "Yank!" and I hear a muffled sound kinda like what you hear when you hit a turkey with yer truck. Eventually I make it up to where whe is and I see a shellshocked Cooney with a big ol tear in his new Pattagoochi pants! He had taken his first ever whipper! He sailed for 28 feet after gettin' "off route" in a mungy, fingery little crack that was a bit more than he could chew. I told him I was proud of him manning up and to repeat our mantra "Aint Skeered...Aint skeered...Aint skeered..." Till he got his mojo back.

Here's his high piece that held the fall. I had to do a dicey little up and down to go git the piece.....

It a good thing I had mojo to spare.

I punched it up a schweet little finger crack, to a fist crack, to a big tree. We scurried across a cool traverse, then up some blocky stuff to the rim. We were on top with daylight to spare!

High fives and yahoos and hollerin' from the summit were spared. We have some class you know. No need to look like idiots.

Standing on top, success in our hearts and a new route in the bag...we cast our thoughts to the lives we left down there on the ground. I thought of my wife and they support me in my crazy adventures and how they are proud of me, new route or not. I thought of my job at the Bait shop and how fortunate I was to work in a place that has live bait year round and Budweiser in the cooler 24-7. I thought of Dale Junior and how he needs to git his act together if he is gunna do anything in the point standings this year and that now is the time because I'm sick and tired of that Jimmie Johnson winning everything all the time.
I glance over at Coondog and he's all smiles knowing that he's miles away from all the drama at the Puppy Chow Plant and how those sisters framed him and that they had no real proof he actually bought them beer and how was he to know they were only seventeen and a half. All that stuuf just don't matter when you stand on top of an untrodden summit with a good pal and the sun on your shoulders.

"This new route stuff is where its at Junior....." he says with a schemin' look in his eye. We look South at the big dome across from us and I think to myself "....Someday Coondog.....someday....Somebody's gotta be the first."

Koby had no idea I was going to show up with mullets until the night before the trip. He was game all the way. Thats the sighn of a good partner. We don't get to the Valley much so I thought we should spice things up a bit. We had never done Royal Arches, but had a total blast rockin' the mullets all day long. We ended up getting benighted on the rappels....Thanks to Supertopians giving us the lame advice to only bring a single 70M. Bad call. With four raps to go we were in darkness and were saved by a "hello mates!" from above. Conrad and Mike saved our bacon with two skinny 60M ropes. They waited while we all four did the last raps by headlamp. Bloody cool of them. We insisted on buying pizza and pints and we made it to Curry by 9:30.

Things tthen got really weird. We were planning on driving up to Tuolumne that night but were so wiped out I was barely keeping it on the road a few miles past El Cap meadow. It was 11:30 so we decided to sleep on the ground (fully knowing we were breaking the law). We pulled out just before the 140 and hiked 50yds in and crashed immediately. I took one shot with the mullet on for posterity.

We get awakened by an ANGRY...I mean ANGRY ranger screaming "Park ranger! Wake up...Park Ranger!!!!!!! He Maglights us up and sees two dudes, OB "camping", in sleeping bags, minimal clothing on.......and one of 'em has a blonde wig! This further irritates him as he all but Rodney Kings us....sure that he has caught two perverts doin' who knows what in his beloved jurisdiction. We were super cool, letting him know we knew we were in the wrong but that I was seriously falling asleep at the wheel and that we just needed a couple hours rest before heading up Valley. He acts like a total fool. Giving us the jerk mode angry ranger schpeel over and over....asking us..."You have NEVER? been involved in any trouble with the law?" He calls back lie....and we have three vehicles on the scene in a few minutes. This guys shorts make Lt. Dan Dangle look like he's wearing capris and Koby and I are shocked at his jerky demeanor.

He has a doctor and a fireman (ex-pastor) on the hook here and he is gonna make the bust or make a scene or both. He's got us red handed! He knows it. Eventually, after much jerk tone perpetrator talk, he sticks me with a 100.00 ticket for not having food properly stored in a bear box. A bag of tortilla chips was in my window. Total bummer. He tells us there is nowhere to camp in the Valley and that he doesn't care where we go but we gotta go somewhere. Its now 1:05am. He tells us there is available camping up past Badger pass, so we drive all the way up there to find it is full. We sleep on the ground....illegally again. I know we broke the law...but man what a tool. Bummer way to end an otherwise fun day. Be careful out there....them cops is crazy yo.
Parting shot around 1:30am

Victory shot the next day.

Credit: micronut

  Trip Report Views: 9,648
About the Author
micronut is a trad climber from fresno, ca.

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Comment on this Trip Report

  Oct 1, 2009 - 03:48pm PT
lol, too funny :)

Sport climber
Bishop, CA
  Oct 1, 2009 - 04:03pm PT

Trad climber
  Oct 1, 2009 - 04:18pm PT
LOL; are you guys wearing wigs?

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Oct 1, 2009 - 05:45pm PT
$19.99 each at the Halloween Superstore.

  Oct 1, 2009 - 08:57pm PT
That's the way its done!

Trad climber
Pine Mountain, GA
  Sep 3, 2010 - 05:36pm PT
Get er dun!
seth kovar

Reno, NV
  Sep 3, 2010 - 07:47pm PT
I must have read this trip report twenty times and it never ceases to get me laughing out loud...
Eventually I make it up to where whe is and I see a shellshocked Cooney with a big ol tear in his new Pattagoochi pants!

It's f-ing classic

Someone should really put out a yearly mag or a god damn coffee table book with the best trip reports... some funny stuff out there

Trad climber
from the backseat of Jake& Elwood Blues car
  Sep 6, 2010 - 02:20pm PT
That was the most entertaining report...I would buy tickets next time for that!!!
Credit: luggi

  Sep 6, 2010 - 02:38pm PT
great bump...very funny.

Big Wall climber
47N 122W
  Sep 6, 2010 - 03:09pm PT
Nice Mulletts!
the kid

Trad climber
fayetteville, wv
  Sep 6, 2010 - 04:54pm PT
super sick mullets! NAme it mullet express!
or "theres a method to my mullet"
"mullets over Tokyo"
"in mullet we trust"

keep it going folks..
how many mullets names can we come up with?>
bubble boy

Big Wall climber
Mammoth, CA
  Sep 7, 2010 - 05:46pm PT

Trad climber
Central Coast
  Sep 8, 2010 - 11:40am PT
LOL ah a hahah ahhah
I tuned in just to see what fools still had mullets!
Wigs! Yes, you guys are on it and that was freakin' hilarious!
Great effort, A+ boys! Not sure I'll ever do that line but the TR was classic.

Trad climber
Fresno CA
  Sep 8, 2010 - 12:39pm PT
Hilarious! Thanks for making my day!

Mark Hudon

Trad climber
On the road.
  Sep 9, 2010 - 07:24pm PT
One of the best TRs!
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Sep 12, 2010 - 04:11pm PT
Nice Mullets, one my climbing partners has a real one.....:)

see this TR...:)

Gym climber
Small Town with a Big Back Yard
  Nov 7, 2010 - 07:08pm PT
Ain't skeerd bump!

Thanks, Man - Skip and I use this saying all the time now...

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Nov 8, 2010 - 11:23am PT
Ha. I'm glad somebody bumped this one back up front. I totally forgot I wrote it. It made me laugh to read again. Mister E, the "Aint Skeered" quote is a favorite of mine. Its a sticker and t-shirt company that mocks the No Fear campaign.
Credit: micronut
Double D

  Nov 8, 2010 - 12:51pm PT
Way too funny. Thanks, made my morning!

  Nov 8, 2010 - 01:31pm PT
One of the best...trip...reports...ever...!

  Feb 17, 2011 - 07:42pm PT
How did I ever miss this one?


Youz dadz iz DARLING!

Mike Bolte

Trad climber
Planet Earth
  Feb 17, 2011 - 09:30pm PT
great TR. Missed it the first time. Thanks!
seth kovar

Reno, NV
  Feb 18, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
I really think that this is my favorite TR ever...
I HAVE to read it whenever it pops up on the front page...
Pure awesome!!!!

Bad Acronym

Little Death Hollow
  Feb 18, 2011 - 06:27pm PT
Beautiful. A buddy and I have been meaning to rent some long-tailed tuxedos, paste on some monocles and do an aid route on Machete Ridge for some time now. This is the inspiration I was looking for.

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
  Feb 18, 2011 - 06:41pm PT
Jimmy Johnson SUCKS!!!!!!

GO. Kyle Busch!!!!!

photo not found
Missing photo ID#191605


Trad climber
  Feb 19, 2011 - 12:34pm PT
very cute,,the mullets of course,,reminded me of the time my wife and i were halfway up south cracks polly dome and a car full of ladies (the long gowns gave it away)parked and proceeded ,,beers tucked in varied places to catch up and share all kinds of crazyness (no names peter) you valley boys know how to pic a fine line,,,cheers ,
'Pass the Pitons' Pete

Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
  Feb 20, 2011 - 06:34pm PT

Thanks for a great trip report and all your effort writing it and uploading the photos - great stuff indeed.

Man, those 'dos...... no wonder you were tooled.

Random Nobody
  Mar 6, 2011 - 11:28pm PT
Ain't skeered!!!
mike m

Trad climber
black hills
  Oct 17, 2011 - 09:46pm PT
Sweet mullets

Trad climber
Stockholm, Sweden
  Mar 12, 2012 - 06:08pm PT
Must have read this one 3-4 times already but it still makes me laugh so hard it hurts my stomach.. =)

And the pictures are priceless!!


Beta Sprayer at your Gym
  Mar 12, 2012 - 07:08pm PT
You're pretty

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Mar 28, 2012 - 10:29pm PT
I would actually grow a mullet if I had the ability to. Sadly, I'm balding. In a bitter twist of irony, a man who would love to have a real mullet cannot. Glad yall liked the TR.

Boulder climber
  Mar 29, 2012 - 03:39am PT
I once got rousted from the Curry apple parking, and drove down and slept at the El Portal post office.

Nor Cal
  Mar 29, 2012 - 11:27am PT
bump for the creativity and mullets.
Karl Baba

Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
  Mar 29, 2012 - 11:54am PT
What did you name the route anyway? "Mullet over"?

never saw this one before sweet!



Big Wall climber
santa cruz, ca
  Jun 29, 2012 - 10:45pm PT
I think they are park rangers or communists.....or both.

They eyeball our mullets with envy.

Bump, for probably the funniest TR ever! Waiting for the column report!

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
  Aug 10, 2012 - 01:32am PT
So nobody has a second assent? Wondrin if i can gets permission for a run up this weeknd on yer new route?

Sport climber
Los Angeles, CA
  Aug 13, 2012 - 04:17pm PT
such an awesome trip report, that i mighta' actchlly read it twice or somethin' like that.

diggin' the vibes brah.

Trad climber
Las Vegas, NV.
  Aug 13, 2012 - 05:00pm PT
Awesome report and mullets! All business in the front and party in the back, as it should be lol. Sorry to hear you got tooled, I suppose they would rather scrape you off a rock somewhere then let you get a couple hours rest to keep from driving while exhausted.

Still, I had a good laugh at this on my lunch break. Thanks for the report!
tom Carter

Social climber
  Aug 13, 2012 - 08:45pm PT
If while shopping for wigs you ever, ever, I mean it, ever find a "comb-over" piece just send it my way I'm good for the dough!!!

What a class act!


Trad climber
The fake McCoy from nevernever land.
  Aug 13, 2012 - 09:17pm PT
hahahahah. s-t-y-l-e. +4.

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
  Aug 13, 2012 - 09:47pm PT
Macro funny, micronut!
Big Mike

Trad climber
  Aug 13, 2012 - 10:26pm PT
Nice work dude! Missed this one.. very funny. Thanks for the bump.

The Granite State.
  Dec 14, 2012 - 04:41pm PT

Trad climber
moab UT
  Dec 14, 2012 - 05:28pm PT
Looked like Bevis and Butthead pulled it off up there!
Nice job men, quite enjoyable.

Trad climber
Technically...the spawning grounds of Yosemite
  Dec 18, 2012 - 09:07pm PT
Brandon, thanks so much for the bump - abso-flipping-lutely the most hilarious thing I've read in I can't remember!!!

Micronut, I'll match your Judas Priest cassette with one by The Who...decked out in silver and purple metallic pen, no less! (I can't believe I just admitted that in public...would be disrespectful to throw it away...karma, you know.)


Gym climber
Small Town with a Big Back Yard
  Jan 23, 2013 - 01:54am PT
A good FA is like a mullet: All business up front, but the party begins
behind the ascent...

Gym climber
  Jan 23, 2013 - 12:32pm PT

Credit: mouse from merced
the weegy

  Jan 23, 2013 - 06:22pm PT

Mullet of Cocktail! Feckin' great report. Takes me back to when my old highland jig was my head wear before lids took on.

Social climber
your mom's house
  Jun 5, 2013 - 12:22pm PT
bump for the best tr ever
Don't let go

Trad climber
Diamond Bar, CA
  Feb 6, 2014 - 11:37pm PT
Bump for fun times and inspiration!

Trad climber
San Luis Obispo, CA
  Feb 7, 2014 - 12:10am PT
thanks for the bump!!!! that was one of the best TRs micro has wrote!!!! super funny!!!! great FA dudes!!!!!

Big Wall climber
  Feb 7, 2014 - 07:47am PT
cracked me up, finally someone making a trip report worth reading.

Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
  Feb 7, 2014 - 07:54am PT
take back the judas priest joke.

Oakland, CA
  Feb 7, 2014 - 12:46pm PT
Micro!!!!!!!!! For the ETERNAL and BARN-BURNING WIN!!!!
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