I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 941 - 960 of total 971 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
BDTN

Mountain climber
Mesa AZ
Jul 5, 2018 - 02:42pm PT
Who was the first person to download information from the cloud to a tablet

Moses
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 5, 2018 - 07:09pm PT
Here's a better Christian joke:

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 5, 2018 - 08:54pm PT
TWO RIBBONS

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly. The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his balls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his balls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.

After a while, her husband comes home drunk. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his balls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his balls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his balls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 6, 2018 - 10:29am PT
Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its in-flight menu to include a Vegan burger.

Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, as long as the Vegans are humanely killed.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 7, 2018 - 06:24am PT
MICHAEL PALASCAK: HYBRID SUVS

They make hybrid SUVs but everything I read was like, 'Well it's not like the most awesome SUV and it's not like the best hybrid.' It's like, 'Here's a donut it's healthy just eat the middle air part. Zero calories in that air right there, smells just like a donut.'
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 7, 2018 - 06:26am PT
RYAN STOUT: IF ANIMALS COULD TALK

I saw an advertisement; it said: 'If animals could talk, we'd all be vegetarians.' Oh, isn't that cute? Too bad that's not true, right? I think if animals could talk they would tell us which other animals taste frigging great.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 9, 2018 - 01:18pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 11, 2018 - 09:29pm PT
PAT HAZELL: FOUR-PACK OF TOILET PAPER

I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: 'Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?'
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 12, 2018 - 03:04pm PT
DOV DAVIDOFF: TRY LAMB SKIN

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry,'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:27pm PT
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:32pm PT
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:37pm PT
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for
a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here.'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:00pm PT

Don't know if this is true or not. Still.......
__

This was reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently.

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!!!


This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about her being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)

After MBNA gets the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:35pm PT
John walked into a pub around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at John and said "Do you think he'll jump?"

John said "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."

John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 bill to John. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

John replied "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

John took the money.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:36pm PT
Two blonde pilots are trying to land an airplane.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the one blonde screams to the other blonde, "Bambi, pull up, the runaway is ending!"
She swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the first blonde screams again, "Get the plane up, Bambi, the runaway is ending!"
The second blonde swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the second pilot says, "This is so dumb, Candi, they build this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."
"I know," answers Candi, "But look how wide they made it!
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Jul 12, 2018 - 07:10pm PT
^^^^^^
That's a bigoted joke against blondes.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 12, 2018 - 07:55pm PT
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fukin’ bike.”
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 14, 2018 - 12:45pm PT
I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 235 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Jul 14, 2018 - 02:52pm PT
#FRITZSHOULDMOVETOENGLAND
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:16pm PT
That's a bigoted joke against blondes.
So?

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOlympia"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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