I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 941 - 960 of total 1019 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 12, 2018 - 03:04pm PT
DOV DAVIDOFF: TRY LAMB SKIN

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry,'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:27pm PT
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:32pm PT
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 04:37pm PT
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for
a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here.'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:00pm PT

Don't know if this is true or not. Still.......
__

This was reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently.

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!!!


This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about her being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)

After MBNA gets the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:35pm PT
John walked into a pub around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at John and said "Do you think he'll jump?"

John said "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."

John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 bill to John. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

John replied "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

John took the money.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 12, 2018 - 06:36pm PT
Two blonde pilots are trying to land an airplane.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the one blonde screams to the other blonde, "Bambi, pull up, the runaway is ending!"
She swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the first blonde screams again, "Get the plane up, Bambi, the runaway is ending!"
The second blonde swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the second pilot says, "This is so dumb, Candi, they build this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."
"I know," answers Candi, "But look how wide they made it!
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Jul 12, 2018 - 07:10pm PT
^^^^^^
That's a bigoted joke against blondes.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 12, 2018 - 07:55pm PT
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fukin’ bike.”
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 14, 2018 - 12:45pm PT
I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 235 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
Jul 14, 2018 - 02:52pm PT
#FRITZSHOULDMOVETOENGLAND
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:16pm PT
That's a bigoted joke against blondes.
So?

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOlympia"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:23pm PT
Might as well offend the Scotties too:


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.

Edited to add: I know it's a beautiful Saturday but I'm really not wasting it in front of the computer!!! Just got back from 50 miles in 98° heat. Amazing how cool it is while riding, but how you turn into a soaking rag when you stop. Thanks Yakima low humidity!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:46pm PT
How about Indians (from India)? Although, really, this is not a mockery.


A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in downtown New Delhi .

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 07:37pm PT
Here you go Cosmic, mocks no one.
_

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Argentinian, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Canadian, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Finn, a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a blonde, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.

"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.

"Why not?" they say.

The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
Even more Cosmic!!!!!!!

A husband and his blonde wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The couple meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's tits".

The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The pro says "Excellent!"

Now the blonde takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The pro then says "Not bad, but now try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The pro says "Ok, now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 06:55am PT
VIC HENLEY: WHAT EVERYBODY UP NORTH THINKS

Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps, dipping Skoal, picking cotton, riding around in pickup trucks, having sex with our relatives, and looking for UFOs. And that's not true -- it's not -- I've never seen a UFO, and second cousins don't count.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
What drug was the duck on?

Qwack!
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 11:52am PT
WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD...

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.
Messages 941 - 960 of total 1019 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
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