I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 941 - 960 of total 1047 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:23pm PT
Might as well offend the Scotties too:


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.

Edited to add: I know it's a beautiful Saturday but I'm really not wasting it in front of the computer!!! Just got back from 50 miles in 98° heat. Amazing how cool it is while riding, but how you turn into a soaking rag when you stop. Thanks Yakima low humidity!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 03:46pm PT
How about Indians (from India)? Although, really, this is not a mockery.


A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in downtown New Delhi .

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 07:37pm PT
Here you go Cosmic, mocks no one.
_

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Argentinian, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Canadian, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Finn, a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a blonde, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.

"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.

"Why not?" they say.

The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
Even more Cosmic!!!!!!!

A husband and his blonde wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The couple meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's tits".

The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The pro says "Excellent!"

Now the blonde takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The pro then says "Not bad, but now try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The pro says "Ok, now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 14, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 06:55am PT
VIC HENLEY: WHAT EVERYBODY UP NORTH THINKS

Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps, dipping Skoal, picking cotton, riding around in pickup trucks, having sex with our relatives, and looking for UFOs. And that's not true -- it's not -- I've never seen a UFO, and second cousins don't count.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
What drug was the duck on?

Qwack!
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 11:52am PT
WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD...

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jul 15, 2018 - 12:06pm PT
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 15, 2018 - 06:25pm PT
DOUBLE WIDE

Q: What is a double-wide salad?

A: It's for people who can't afford a house salad.
G_Gnome

Trad climber
Cali
Jul 15, 2018 - 07:03pm PT
Winemaker, you are killing it lately. Even if some are biased against blondes.
Weenis

Trad climber
Tel Aviv
Jul 16, 2018 - 08:06am PT
So what do you have when there is a redneck on the floor with beer coming out of both sides of his mouth?

You know that the trailer is level.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 17, 2018 - 05:34am PT
THE COWBOY'S LAST WISHES

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos intent on killing him. In their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests.

For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman. The cowboy spent the night with the woman.

The same thing happened the second day. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled "You stupid horse! I said 'posse!'"
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 22, 2018 - 02:53pm PT
I guess my job here is finished ............
I guess my job here is finished ............
Credit: Winemaker
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 22, 2018 - 05:47pm PT
Teacher asks class to think a little laterally and answer the question, "How can you put 2 holes in one?".

After no one could answer, she made a ring with her finger and put it around her nostrils and said, "That's how".

Little johnny excitedly raises his hand and says, "Teacher teacher! Wanna know how to put 7 holes in one?".

The teacher was stumped, so little johnny says, "Take a flute and shove it up your arse!"

Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Jul 22, 2018 - 06:54pm PT
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 22, 2018 - 07:08pm PT
So, Bob forgets his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Jul 23, 2018 - 06:34pm PT
i-b-goB

Social climber
Nutty
Jul 23, 2018 - 08:53pm PT
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, I have a plan to help us win the mid terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.
“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Chuck..
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.

Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two arsholes!”
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 26, 2018 - 04:59pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
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