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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 20, 2011 - 12:22am PT
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a french fry walks into a hamburger joint and asks for a vegan burger with fries....
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Dec 28, 2011 - 08:52am PT
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a boulder freshman co-ed was having trouble making it across campus to get to her classes on time
she asked her dad for some cash to get a bicycle
when riding her new bike home from the bike shop she passed by a pet store and decided to stop in
she left the store with a cute monkey
a few weeks later clumps of hair started falling off her monkey
She texted her dad "The hair is failing off my monkey, what should I do?"
He replied "Sell the bicycle"
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as#@&%e.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (for instance when the cars are coming toward you their lights are white and when headed away they are red)
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Jan 24, 2012 - 12:06am PT
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Hey TheMaster, jokes are supposed to be funny.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Jan 24, 2012 - 12:08am PT
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Like: Who invented copper wire?
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...
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Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
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The Larry
climber
Moab, UT
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Jan 29, 2012 - 09:33pm PT
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Did you guys hear about the little boy that was born without eye lids?
They ended up using his foreskin for a replacement.
The only problem was that he was a little cockeyed.
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Jan 30, 2012 - 06:02am PT
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jan 30, 2012 - 11:52am PT
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# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
On the rocks
# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
Leeks
# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
Follow the Captain
# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew
where he was going ?
He replied "off course."
# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.
# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises...
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Jan 31, 2012 - 12:42am PT
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A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood". The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "I'm having tea!"
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nature
climber
Aridzona for now Denver.... here I come...
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 31, 2012 - 01:08am PT
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leave it to a cab driver....
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LuckyNeck
Trad climber
the basement of Lou's Tavern
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Feb 25, 2012 - 11:54pm PT
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Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?
You really have to hand it to her.
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ec
climber
ca
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Feb 26, 2012 - 01:29am PT
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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...
It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH#T!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre…and Claude was never invited back...
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Mimi
climber
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Mar 11, 2012 - 02:49pm PT
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Not very short but good.
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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nature
climber
CO
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Topic Author's Reply - May 7, 2012 - 10:21pm PT
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So this guy comes home to his wife. He has a chicken under his arm. He says "Honey I want to show you the pig I've been f*#king. The wife looks shocked and says "That's not a pig." He responds "I wasn't talking to YOU"
HK - you should know the source of that one.
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mike m
Trad climber
black hills
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What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Kendergarden humor via my daughter.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Social climber
Retired in Appalachia
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I need some jokes - short ones.
Look in your shorts.
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paganmonkeyboy
climber
mars...it's near nevada...
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200+ posts - is this one here already ?
why can't a man ever keep a women happy ?
because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money...
(so much easier to tell without a head full of acid ;-) )
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
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How are freshmen at University of Washington and Washington State University similar?
They both applied to UW.
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zBrown
Ice climber
Chula Vista, CA
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Well there are lots of name jokes
What do you call a guy in the swimming pool with no arms and legs? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting in your mailbox? Bill.
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, sitting on a pile of leaves? Russel.
you get it
....
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