I need some jokes - short ones.

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Larry Nelson

Social climber
Mar 2, 2019 - 10:28am PT
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Mar 13, 2019 - 05:49pm PT
An apple a day
Will keep anyone away
If thrown hard enough
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
Mar 14, 2019 - 06:47am PT
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "Well, what do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a life saver".
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Mar 14, 2019 - 07:22am PT
My wife phoned me at work today, she said "Have you been experiencing any unexplained stabbing pains in your chest, like someone is sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"

I thought for a minute then replied "No I don't think I have"

She was silent for a couple of seconds then said "How about now......?"
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 14, 2019 - 10:35am PT
Wino, we want jokes, not confessions.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 14, 2019 - 11:14am PT
☘☘Irish Jokes Need Not Apply☘☘


An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three Bushmill's, a fine Protestant beverage.

After he has put them down the hatch, the barman says to Paddy, "That's not like you, Paddy. You’re normally a Guinness man!”

Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had me first ever blowjob!”

Great!” says the barman. “Have another one on the house!”

To which Paddy replies, “No thanks. If three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”

And my own ending, esp. for U, Reilly...

And the barman, aghast, says, "That's not funny, lad. You need to go to confession!"


A friend was recently diagnosed with Irish Alzheimer's.

His doctor explained that he was going to lose his memory of everything but his grudges.
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Mar 14, 2019 - 04:15pm PT
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
tradmanclimbs

Ice climber
Pomfert VT
Mar 14, 2019 - 06:30pm PT
I saw an add for an irish T shirt on FB. typical green T shirt with shamrocks on it. DEAR LIVER, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH WEEK. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 14, 2019 - 07:05pm PT
An Irishman walked out of a bar.


Not this week!
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Mar 17, 2019 - 02:22pm PT
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

----------------------------------------


I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
capseeboy

Social climber
portland, oregon
Mar 17, 2019 - 03:04pm PT
I went to buy some helium.
At the store they said they were all sold out.
I commented, what a downer.
capseeboy

Social climber
portland, oregon
Mar 17, 2019 - 04:41pm PT
National debt-$18 trillion.
Amount each taxpayer owes-$154,000.00
More than I have made in my whole life! Ha Ha
tooth

Trad climber
B.C.
Mar 17, 2019 - 04:49pm PT
that made me laugh.... and be happy i moved
Credit: tooth
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 17, 2019 - 06:20pm PT
We gotta politicize this thread, too? 🙄
neebee

Social climber
calif/texas
Mar 17, 2019 - 11:39pm PT
hey there say, malmute...

awww... that was sweet... :)


as to the ending:
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

:)
Yury

Mountain climber
T.O.
Mar 18, 2019 - 04:34am PT
tooth:

that made me laugh.... and be happy i moved

Previously uploaded by tooth
Previously uploaded by tooth
Credit: Yury

tooth, to where did you move?
Don't you want to add your provincial debt to your federal debt?

Do you know that e.g. Ontario debt per capita is about twice as high as California debt?


tooth

Trad climber
B.C.
Mar 18, 2019 - 10:02am PT
$32k combined. Your politics are a joke. Wish this latest one was shorter. But I’m guessing the joke will drag on another 4 years.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 19, 2019 - 05:55pm PT
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1072762&msg=1072762#msg1072762
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