Nutcracker 5.8

 
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Manure Pile Buttress


Yosemite Valley, California USA


Trip Report
Ain't Skeerd: A Halloween TR on The Nutscracker
Sunday October 30, 2011 11:25am
Its Dark.
I mean reely dark. Like two days before Halloween dark.
So dark I can smell myself.

And cold. Me and Jr. are rackin' up in the pick-o-nick parking lot under the manure pile buttress. We got big plans today. We been hearin about this route.....The Nutscracker....fer a while now, and seeins how we go by the code-names "Micronut" and "Macronut" on the Supertaco(Thats a website on the world wide web), we figerd that there root had somethin out fer us. Its like the route has a personal aim to hurt us right where it hurts. You know what I mean? Micornut, Macronut, Nutcracker.....coincidence? We thinks not. And by dangit if we're just gonna sit around on our haunches and let that route haunt us, we gots no bizness callin ourselves climbers. We're gunna go up there and show that root who's boss round these parts. We aint backin' down. Thats fer sher.

30 degrees. Six fifty am. We're lockin' and loadin'.
Credit: micronut

The forest is dark, but I splashed on extra Stetson cologne this mornin to ward off evil spirits. If this root wants a fight, that's what she's gunna git. She ain't gunna crack my nut! You mess with the bull.....you git the horns! I got plenty o tape....and more where that came from!
Credit: micronut

"Hey Jr."
"yeah Cuz?"
"You got a toothbrush with you?"
"A what?"
"You know, one of them little brushlike things with a handle....we might need one if there's dert in the cracks. I don't think this root gits dun much."
"I still don't know what yer talkin' bout Cuz..."
Credit: micronut

We scramble up to the start quicker than a polecat chasin' a stink bug. Jr. takes the sharp end and before you can say "Daryl Waltrip for President" he's 90 feet up starin down the business end of a steep 5.8 lieback.
Credit: micronut
He doesn't flinch much at all but when I follow the pitch I find it tougher than a four dollar steak. My foot blows off a slippery spot turnin' the corner and I take a real life fall. It gits the heart pumpin' but soon I'm at the belay....huffin' and puffin'.......
"I'm kinda whupped Jr.....I shoulda had a couple more donuts this mornin'."
"You'll be fine Cuz! Just follow me...I AM FEELIN IT THIS MORNIN'"
Credit: micronut

We crank on by the second pitch, and so far nobody's cracked a nut.
Credit: micronut
Man what a place to catch a sunrise. "You know Jr., It's mornings like this that make me feel alive. Like all is all is well in the universe.....look...you gots Half Dome warming to the East under golden tendrils of the days awakening rays. Middle Cathedral sits siletly, stoicly behind my right shoulder, daring me to imagine future adventures on her burt ochre belly. Swifts dart overhead, beconing us higher....the day awaits, adventure looms above....bravery will be called upon and I shall rise to the occasion. I am here, now, present, alive."

"What'd you say Cuz....I kinda wasn't payin attention."

"Never mind Jr......climb on, yer on belay."

Credit: micronut
Two pitches higher....I lean over and ask Jr., "Hey Jr......you know why they call this thing The Nutcracker?"

"Naw....why?"
WHACK! I give him a stiff set of knuckles right to the belay loop (if ya know what I mean!)
OUCH!  Hurts donut!
OUCH! Hurts donut!
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut

Well, the climb carries on purdy uneventfully. Jr. Stays out on lead, I ride shotgun, lettin' him drive today. By about 9:30, sweat starts drippin' down my pits and Jr. starts complaining sayin...."maybe flannel underwear wasn't the best wardrobe choice today."
Pow.  That pitch just HAPPENED!
Pow. That pitch just HAPPENED!
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut

Them last two pitches is super fun but in some spots its kinda saucy for 5.8. I mean, its al there, but that little crux roof has me workin' harder than a one legged man in a butt kickin' contest. I git a good jam with my fist and yard up on that thing.....Jr. screams down..."Now that birdl hunt Cuz! Git er dun!....Hooooowweeeee!"

I yard on the last two holds of the route and pull down with the strength of a thousand men. It looks like we're the ones crackin' the Nut!
"How you like me now!!!!!" screams Jr. as I crest the final bulge and give one more gun show.
Credit: micronut
The 5th pitch mantle move was burly...as expected, but even with all the spooky Halloween juju in the air and fear of the unknown above, Jr. hung tough......I coul'd hear him talkin' to himself as he yarded up on them jugs...."Ain't skeered....ain't skeerd......ain't skeerd...."

The summit is amazin! Like better than watchin' WCW with a six pack of Bud and a bag of Funions. Like better than NASCAR on Sunday and Walker Texas Ranger on Monday.
Credit: micronut
We strut our stuff and take a couple pictures to show off to the ladies back home.
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut


Jr. and I book it down the trail from the top.....
He heads back down HWY 41 to work and I head back to The Ahwahnee. Two men. Two very separate paths. I stink pretty bad so some deodorant is a smart call before headin' over to The Ahwahnee.
OFF w/ DEET.....the smell of a real man.
Credit: micronut
I stop by the bridge and chat with Tom Evans fer a bit. "Now that's a big ol' lens!"
Credit: micronut
I shoot a few shots of my own.....
Teams are enjoyin' big action all over he Big Stone.
Zodiac was goin off!
Credit: micronut
A team finishing the last pitch on The Big Stone
A team finishing the last pitch on The Big Stone
Credit: micronut
A long way from the top
A long way from the top
Credit: micronut

So were the Fall colors of November.
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut

I had to meet up with some folks for a seminar and dinner....what different worlds....the high lonesome and the high falootin'!
Micronut at 11:00am
Credit: micronut
Micronut at dinnertime.
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut
This is a long story...but permission WAS obtained through the proper ...
This is a long story...but permission WAS obtained through the proper channels prior to this shot. My leather loafers edged pretty well.
Credit: micronut

Happy Halloween Yall. See ya 'round.
Micronut out.



  Trip Report Views: 3,813
micronut
About the Author
micronut is a trad climber from fresno, ca.

Comments
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Comment on this Trip Report
thekidcormier

Gym climber
squamish, b.c.
  Oct 30, 2011 - 12:21pm PT
Hilarious TR Micro, way to keep it FUN!

happy sending :)
BrassNuts

Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
  Oct 30, 2011 - 02:19pm PT
You guys are animals! Get them teeth fixed!! :-)
John Moosie

climber
Beautiful California
  Oct 30, 2011 - 02:45pm PT
Mullets, buck teeth and climbing. What more could one ask for. haha..
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Oct 30, 2011 - 05:04pm PT
Your buddy would have looked more authentic in a wife beater muscle tea shirt!
Big Mike

Trad climber
BC
  Oct 30, 2011 - 06:11pm PT
Hahahahaha! Halarious TFPUAC
iaintscared

Trad climber
Pine Mountain, GA
  Nov 3, 2011 - 11:25am PT
Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special!

Mark Hudon

Trad climber
Hood River, OR
  Nov 3, 2011 - 11:34am PT
Those Nuts are whack jobs!
JEleazarian

Trad climber
Fresno CA
  Nov 3, 2011 - 12:41pm PT
Great post! Way too funny!

Thanks much.

John
moosedrool

climber
lost, far away from Poland
  Nov 3, 2011 - 11:49pm PT
micronut, you should put your stories together in one book and publish it. Seriously.

TFPUAC
Derek38

Mountain climber
England
  Nov 4, 2011 - 03:00am PT
For your info:

The route was called "Nutcracker" by Royal Robbins after his first ascent in 1967 as it was an "all-nut protected" route ~ no pitons etc.

The nuts were small wire-sling nuts made specially for Royal by Derek Gamble of Peck UK in England.

Now over 40 years later a classic Yosemite route.

Best regards to Royal ...

Derek
moosedrool

climber
lost, far away from Poland
  Nov 5, 2011 - 12:02pm PT
Derek, are you saying you made the nuts for Royal?
moosedrool

climber
lost, far away from Poland
  Nov 6, 2011 - 05:05pm PT
bump,

No more favorable comments?

It could be your cologne or/and deodorant, micronut...
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Nov 6, 2011 - 09:40pm PT
Thanks Moose....Its had 1300 views but only a few folks willin' to chime in. I appreciate the good words and Bump! See you out there,
Scott
nutjob

Sport climber
Almost to Hollywood, Baby!
  Nov 7, 2011 - 11:07am PT
Micro, that gunshow is outrageous! I ain't let my lady see it though. Only thing missin' is my Skinnerd 8-track crankin.
jfailing

Trad climber
PDX, North Slope, The Open Road
  Nov 11, 2011 - 11:42am PT
I love this TR, along with all of your others Micronut... You bring a light-hearted and fun mindset to climbing, whereas some people are just way too serious about it... Thanks!
LuckyNeck

Trad climber
the basement of Lou's Tavern
  Nov 16, 2011 - 02:49pm PT
The mullets return. Simply outstanding.
le_bruce

climber
Oakland, CA
  Nov 16, 2011 - 03:36pm PT

This photo is one of the best things I've seen on ST, or possibly the internet.



He just looks so forlorn, but also kind of deep, but then you focus on the teeth and hair. Oh man it gets me every time.
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Nov 16, 2011 - 05:13pm PT
That last photo is so gnarly I felt the need to show yall what we look like in real life.

Credit: micronut

LeBruce, I feel the same way. That photo makes my day and makes me laugh out loud every time I see it.
lele honu

Trad climber
SD
  Nov 16, 2011 - 07:48pm PT
way to keep it spicy bro. kudos. good stuff.
survival

Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
  Nov 16, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
Coulda swore I posted on this here TR of Y'alls.

Good ol' boys get'n'er done in good ol' style!!
theHammer

Sport climber
San Diego
  Nov 16, 2011 - 08:35pm PT
get 'r done
PAUL SOUZA

Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
  Nov 16, 2011 - 10:33pm PT
BWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Karen

Trad climber
So Cal urban sprawl Hell
  Nov 16, 2011 - 11:21pm PT
Hysterical, love it!!!!! you two were scary looking for sure-ah, non chick magnets!
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Manure Pile Buttress - Nutcracker 5.8 - Yosemite Valley, California USA. Click to Enlarge
Nutcracker offers six pitches of clean and aesthetic jams.
Photo: Todd Snyder
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