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the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
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Oct 12, 2015 - 11:45am PT
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I lost one of my best friends in an accident and I'd say two years is about right. For about 4 months I was a mess. I wasn't really myself for a year. After two years I wasn't thinking about it all the time anymore.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 11:51am PT
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Hey everyone thank you for your thoughts and feedback.
It does help, I apologize for crying, but I do not have many outlets.
I really love the person I miss, some of us have been there, I only hope others do not have to go through the pain.
I have been on tough ice, glaciers, blizzards, 5.11s with scant pro, (and Maggie Thatcher) but I know one thing…
There are good people on this forum.
I miss Jennie so much, she gave me meaning in life, what is wrong with me, why can't I let go?
She is in a good place, being well looked after, and I am glad, yet…
I miss her.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 12:00pm PT
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No Maggie and I were not on Butterfingers, more like Butterballs. She wanted to lead (like always, ask the Welsh and Sheffield miners), I told her that the Good Book and Folly were better for her, I forgot to tell her about the rockfall though.
I am a bad boy, but I never treated Jennie bad, never. Maggie, well, I walked out of Number Ten alive.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Oct 12, 2015 - 12:04pm PT
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We're here for ya, Patrick. Good ole' Catholic prayer sent for Jennie. I really just sent one.
Hang tough, and gimme a call next time you're here in Cali. I have a spare bedroom and loving company. Most of the time....hehe.
You're a kind soul, Pat, and I know Jennie feels that. It's what some people refer to as 'love'. Once you implant that love, it never dies. It never fades.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 12:22pm PT
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Okay Bluering, and this may not sit well with some people. Bluering, you and Fattrad (and Jody, The Chief, Couchmaster, TGT, who did I forget? there are so many of you, climbers are supposed to be liberal, what has happened?) are not of my same politcal persuasion, but you (and you too Dingus, but I believe we are like-minded aren't we?).
I am going to say, Fattrad, he offered me a lift home from San Francisco International, when I came home from Ireland to be at my mom's funeral (January 2007).
Yeah, he used to mouth off on the forum about knowing and rubbing elbows with, I don't know, Teddy Rooselvelt, William Shakespeare, Aristotle, even Jesus.
But when push came to shove, he offered me support and met with me. See right-wing capitalists are not that bad, I am a left-wing capitalist. And all my money is going into dementia research, wait, I do not have any money.
But I can still climb 5.10, sort of, French style (and I used to live and work in France, must have rubbed off me).
Thank you Bluering, I believe you are sincere, but don't you live in the south Bay, I am not sure I am allowed there, I am East Bay grease, sort of like being a Dubliner southsider needing a visa to cross the Liffey. except i am a Californian.
http://movinglives.org/Stories/Immigration_Status/
Patrick and Jennie
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 01:05pm PT
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My advice, if you find yourself in a country, become as documented as fast as you can.
I did not in England, France, Ireland until push came to shove.
My fault, I got through each time because I am a chancer, an honest chancer, I have never cheated or hurt anybody, ever. But things catch up with you. I have never commited a crime, except being illegal I suppose.
But I have always tried to help people, be a good community person involved in local affairs. And people have helped me, bless them.
I guess I am an idealist, but some day, I hope there is a world where we do not know boundaries, and live in peace with one another. I am not holding my breath, but it could happen.
I miss Jennie so much, she is the love of my life. but does she miss me?
I hate dementia, we will find a way though, it may not be in my lifetime, in my generation, but your children or grandchildren will find it, I know they will. It truly is one of the last frontiers.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 01:33pm PT
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Encourage your future generations, to study and work on this affliction, they may be helping you or your parents.
It can be overcome, who says brain cells and neurons die? We used to think that but modern science, reasearch and techology…
It may be too late for Jennie, let's hope it is not.
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skcreidc
Social climber
SD, CA
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Oct 12, 2015 - 01:35pm PT
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Try reading the book "Blue Zones" for a different slant on the topic.
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LilaBiene
Trad climber
Technically...the spawning grounds of Yosemite
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Oct 12, 2015 - 05:47pm PT
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Hi Patrick,
Having suffered from depression for 41 out of my 45 years on this planet, I deeply empathize with the added layer of heavy, emotional fog that makes everything seem that much worse...and makes it difficult to get out of whatever hole or rut or circular thinking in which you may find yourself (or not).
I'm so sorry for your deep loss and longing.
As Jennie's carer for so long, I suspect that you feel the absence of her presence that much more strongly because you put everything, your whole life, into making sure she was loved and safe and well cared for.
Perhaps you could now re-focus that energy (you know it's there) on finding a way to burn off the unbearable fog?
To break out of circular thinking that used to only reinforce my sad feelings, I used to make lists of all of the things that I could ever dream of doing, and then start doing them -- the ones I could afford, anyway. ") Whenever I caught myself going down a dark road, I'd pull out my notebook and add as many dreams and adventures as I could until I ran out. Then I would pick something, and either plan it out or go do it. (I had a handy list of fun, free things to do so that I'd never be able to tell myself I had nothing to do.) Even if it was just getting outside to take a few deep breaths of fresh air, it was something.
As I stuck to this practice, I realized that I was slowly altering my focus -- away from things that I couldn't control, and to things that I could. I also realized that my focus was gradually turning toward the present and future, rather than the past.
Focusing on your own healing doesn't mean that you have to let Jennie go. It may even get you to a better place where you can be at peace and in balance with the way things are. Jennie will always be with you, just as my birth parents will always be with me.
As I've been admonished on more occasions than I'd care to admit myself, ask for help! And keep asking. There are an awful lot (no pun intended!) of strong shoulders and keen, thoughtful minds on this forum.
Wishing you peace and some sunshine to help lift the fog...
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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Oct 12, 2015 - 06:02pm PT
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I wish there was a magic something to fix my broken brain, but Wellbutrin seems to help.
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rottingjohnny
Sport climber
Shetville , North of Los Angeles
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Oct 12, 2015 - 07:07pm PT
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Patrick...you were on Maggie Thatcher...? You stud...! rj
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 11:56pm PT
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John, it was more like Maggie was on me.
How are you doing, are you still in Mammoth, I have your email, I'll ask more on that.
In some ways to say this, but I regret, hate, or am just sort of sad people, but…
I am no longer a carer and I can climb in Scotland, the Alps, Andes…
And sail, surf and ski and kayak. But Jennie was never a burden, I may have been, probably was. I never ever thought of it and told her, she is not a burden, she is the person I want to be with regardless...
Well, climbing and other pursuits, money is an issue, I believe we all know that, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Yet, if I could see Jennie and hug her again, that is better than any mountain in the world.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 12:22am PT
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I am a hopeless romantic, but was there ever a hopeful romantic. Probably.
I may not have written best seller books on the Times list, not yet at least, and not sure I want to (well, if there is a nice paycheck, I could change my mind).
I just want so…
see Jennie
And climb Salathé Wall, Half Dome's NW face, (I already did Snake Dike), Denali, Rainer (I bagged Shuksan, and St Helen's, before it blew, as well as Olympus, North Palisade, Shasta, Mount Sill…) And the two ladies I really want to meet, Alpamayo and Ama Dablam.
And at one time, I climbed Jennie's Heart, and would love to do it again. Not a "conquest", there is no such thing, but a mutual… "understanding"?
Taco Standers, fellow Supertopians, thank you for your thoughts.
I just miss Jennie, and I am sad, I cry and I am pathetic.
And I am going to go bouldering. Photos to come.
I wish there were some real cliffs to climb, Rocklands in Wexford is, well…
I'd prefer Dalkey Quarry or Yo Valley, the Palisades, Bugaboos, Squamish, Red Rocks, Lundy Island, the list is endless.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:02am PT
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Bullshit Jim, it is not obsession, I have addressed that with professionals, so please keep your effing self-opinions to yourself. I just miss Jennie and I am trying to move on.
Do you even know what obsession is, you pontificate more than a number of times like you are some expert. Go climbing.
Are you really self-righetous as to lecture me? I am not obsessed, that had been discussed, but what the fck would you know, I just write as a form of, I don't know, relief. I have enough going on, you have pilloried me in the past, does that make you feel good dude?
I would bet it does, you can be so high and mighty. I hope I am wrong, that you are a really nice person.
"Brenanns' Bread, today's bread for today"
I think I will get my loaf elsewhere. Tescos or Supervalu, or Pat the Baker.
EDIT, apologies Jim, I was just being a reactionary, but people and I describe my care for her as a dedication and devotion. I hope I am not obsessed.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:38am PT
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No Lord Jim, people are not mistaken, I am just having a difficult time accepting reality, that I may never see Jennie again.
Of course, you know all about reality, unlike me. But you seem to have an issue with me venting my spleen, so to speak.
I hope and trust your life is going well. I really do. I do not like to see sadness in anybody's life, I mean that sincerely.
You go climbing, I go climbing and we will breath fresh air.
Jim, I am not obsessed, I have wondered about that but the pros say no, you are just sad.
I don't know, you have picked on my thoughts and troubles before, I hope you are a good therapist, but I am sure we both agree, we will not be seeing one another. I may not like you, I don't, but I trust you are a decent person and not righteous as you seem to be in my eyes. I could be wrong. I hope I am.
I do not want to make enemies, I have enough troubles.
Take care dude, I mean that.
EDIT
I was just thinking, I dont drink, but having you pass judgment on my situation and me, I could use a stiff whiskey, Powers please.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:52am PT
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You hear the same thing from everyone you engage and encounter but they must be mistaken.
No Jim, they are not mistaken, I may be, or perhaps I am. I hear what others are saying, it just is, accepting reality can be difficult.
You have taken the time to question me before, I hope you do it in a good spirit, and not Powers.
If you are sincere, I will listen. The professionals tell me this and that, and if I was smart, should I listen, or are they self-serving (I only speak of the social workers, who I question. My GPs, counselor and others try to keep me focussed.)
I mean it. I need wise counsel.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 02:15am PT
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I love you all, where else, (well, maybe there are other places), can I speak my mind, get feedback (some I like, some I do not like, suck it up Patrick).
We are all climbers, love it or leave it.
And I will climb Ama Dablam someday.
But more importantly, if Jennie is safe and happy, I should be happy. And I am, I just miss her.
Jim and others, can't you understand that. I am not obsessed, that had been looked at. I am just devoted to her. What is wrong with that?
Well, devotion only goes so far. Or does it? I was alone for years, and she appeared, baggage and all, like I have.
She stuck by me and I stuck by her.
Jim and other Taco Standers, I know have to move on, but it seems so effing difficult to accept reality.
That said, Jennie may have a miraculous recovery and say, "I want to see Patrick, he's not climbing is he?"
EDIT
And Aggie is such the great dog, and a brat. And very smart.
People, I miss Jennie, but I am told to move on. How do you do that without crying. None of my novels or screenplays are selling, nobody wants to hire a 59-year-old journalist. I must be a shite writer.
I am lost, I admit it.
If Jennie was in my life, I could take it.
I have Aggie, she is a great dog and companion, and I am getting a kitten from the SPCA next week. I have run out of money and I need work. The car is in the shop, more money but the insurance and motor tax are paid.
My cousin in Seatlle, Jini, says to move on, find work and …
… and what?
I have first-world problems. Like, is my climbing and sailing gear in order. What am I going to eat for supper.
There are many people in this world far, far worst off than I am.
And I do worry about them.
But, I have to worry about myself, is that so wrong?
And I miss Jennie. Did I mention that before?
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 02:53am PT
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Don't do anything precipitously...
You are such the scoundrel Jim.
I need people like you to keep my feet grounded, unless my feet are on a 5.11, and then, I do not want to be grounded.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 03:25am PT
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http://movinglives.org/Stories/Immigration_Status/
I look at that video and I think, a job well done by the documentarian, for the Immigrant Council of Ireland,.
I have made documenetaries. Good ones (I think), I would cite them but it does not matter, what matters is the stories of other people.
I look at that video and sometimes think, was I so posy. I am a professionaly trained actor. But i was speaking the truth. I was, I am not trying to justify myself, I was being honest in the documentary.
More important, the other stories are so much more… important.
Take Anna, brought to Ireland from Eastern Europe as a sex slave when she was 15. What she went through, good heavens she suffered for years but it was only the ICI that made a new life for her, not the Irish government.
The council is the most important body in Ireland fighting human trafficking.
Or Misan, a migrant from Africa, a very good man, He has been a Dublin bus driver for years, but people still get on and tell him, "you black bastard."
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 04:01am PT
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I mean Anna, brought from Eastern Europe being forced to have sex with up to 15 men a day, good god, if there is such a god, and I do not believe it, (why did not he/she protect Jennie from her father, there is no god).
There is no god, but there are good people.
And Misan, a naturalised Irish citizen, being abused, because of his "color".
If there is a god, where is he or she?
If there is one, why did the supreme being abandon humanity, what a wimp, blasphemous ? Yeah, but I going to die anyway.
However, I wonder and hope, if there is a god and that if being will listen to my prayers, please help Jennie. Me? I do not care about. If I died knowing she remembered me and loved me, I'd die a happy camper.
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