Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
| Messages 1 - 54 of total 54 in this topic |
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Original Post - Oct 12, 2015 - 08:42am PT
|
I have been a Taco Stander since 2005, a climber since 1969.
I am a self-confessed unabashed liberal, but I listen to people of other persuasions (even my older brothers, those that are remaining with us, just one now), as long as they are not fanatics or extremists.
I come to the forum to see what I have been missing as a climber, and enjoy a decent discourse.
I hung out in Yosemite in the mid-1970s, I climbed and argued with people, around campfires and such.
I am, for the first time in my life, suffering from depression, loneliness and sadness. Bouldering on the beach helps, as does walking with a great puppy, Aggie, and meeting people walking their dogs, and seeing them (dogs that is) romping in the surf.
The love of my life Jennie, is in a nursing home (Korsakoff’s Syndrome, dementia), 64 is too young in my opinion. But she is, so I am told by social workers (I do not trust), that she is happy and content in the home).
That makes me happy and glad, but that is my conundrum, she is safe and secure, and yet I want her by my side. I never, ever mistreated her, she is my angel. I was her carer for years. She is the best.
But she does not want to see me. November 5, Wednesday, 2014, we were lying in bed, “I love you immensely Patrick.”
And then she was gone.
So I come to the Taco Stand to read TRs, people’s views, great photos (Jody, you missed your calling).
Okay. I do not agree with The Chief or Jody (to name a few), sometimes they annoy me, but that is their privilege. We live in a free society (even in Ireland, hah hah).
I have been a journalist for over 44 years in five countries, interviewed presidents and prime ministers (Maggie, Number Ten Downing Street, August 1989, what a pain, but I came out alive, she was one tough cookie), captains of industry, celebrities, and best of all, regular “normal” people.
But some of the vitriol and spite by some people on this forum, and the name calling, and..., what a turn off, yet I believe Supertopo is the best climbing forum out there.
But do I need to hear somebody accusing another poster (by name) of being a “murderous special ops” or words to that effect?
I am not a lawyer, but I know slander and libel, heck I should as a journalist. How did such an accusation as that, especially aimed at an experienced mountaineer, who may have his faults or may not, slip through.
We are Taco Standers, Supertopians, yeah we spat, but let’s not carry it further. We should be civilized.
And, no tears please, I have enough of those myself, I miss Jennie big time, and the Taco Stand is an outlet.
Let’s be friends that agree to disagree.
And please, let Jennie know I love her. Dementia sucks.
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 09:01am PT
|
You're a good man, Paddy.
The mountain of my dreams, and some nightmares, yesterday...
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 09:09am PT
|
I am told to move on, get over it, she is gone, in the social workers' words, happy in a nursing home.
I am told by the Samaritans, by my GPs, by my counselor, by friends, my landlord, by cousins and friends in the States, by everyone… move on.
It is not so easy. I grieve and I miss Jennie.
Climbing helps though bouldering and the rock on the hands, and the feet slipping (hey, I am not 20 anymore). Jennie would watch me climb and was afraid.
I am afraid for her, for her future, but… she wants a cat in the nursing home, it will not happen, I think, maybe…
Now, please, no negativity on the forum, reality, yes, I can deal with that, I think.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 09:28am PT
|
I just want to climb, be it boulders, outcrops or Ama Dablam. And I want to see jennie.
And, I may be a runt, hah hah, but if you Taco Standers do not behave, I'll be there to…
All the little money I have is going into dementia research.
Dementia will affect us all at some stage, do not kid yourselves, be it your parents, or your loved one or you. Let's work to find solutions. One of my cousins (I have so many) is a well-respected doctor of psychology in Los Angeles, I asked her, "let's tackle this" if we can put a human on the moon or spends trillions on wars, let's tackle cancer and dementia.
Who knows, Jennie may climb the Nose someday (okay, that is stretching it).
|
|
dirtbag
climber
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:00am PT
|
Warm thoughts headed your way, Patrick.
|
|
mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:00am PT
|
I'm willing to engage you on this, Patrick, but I wasn't earlier going to say anything because what's to say, really, if this isn't part of my own experience?
I've experienced the loss of my wife who was my missus only seven short years and it took several to come to terms with this loss.
You may not EVER experience a slackening of your bitterness, your feeling of being helpless, and you may be full of self-pity the rest of your life, but that's only if you continue in this same rut (which is bound to get deeper until something changes).
Several of the ST posters might admit to the same sort of sentiment. We won't know unless they post.
But I noticed this on jstan's "Interests" thread:
from jgill--
Oh my, still having problems with those V1s are we?
Keep trying, and try not to be so negative.
;>)
from thebravecowboy--
"Healthy, open citizen deliberation, particularly between those most apparently diametrically opposed, is a worthy and ideal interest.
It is one of those apparently insurmountable objectives that some good people seek.
Like picking trash in the desert,
like fighting to minimize abuse and neglect of those dear human beings stricken with dementia.
Like jamming cracks on new towers."
So, you're not alone in your grieving because some of us are grieving for YOU, Patrick. You don't deserve this, you haven't earned it, and yet, there it is...the black dog.
I can only pray and wish you well.
Keep what faith you have...you may still need it.
|
|
Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:13am PT
|
Best of luck Patrick. The black dog is no fun..
I hope you find something worth living for my friend.
Mike
|
|
Capt.
climber
some eastside hovel
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:22am PT
|
Well...At least Craig's full of positivity. :-/
|
|
Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:34am PT
|
Is it possible to console Patrick without picking on each other perhaps? ;)
|
|
fear
Ice climber
hartford, ct
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:47am PT
|
Hey Patrick,
You have the option to hang around with real people where you are? Positive types.. Even though I'm no fan of crowds, being around positive people in any kind of entertaining pursuit/hobby can make an enormous difference in my own outlook on life...
Forums are ok, but the mask provided leads some to murder with words when they would never otherwise act that way in person.
|
|
Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:49am PT
|
Politicizing a personal thread guys..... Personal attacks to boot.
Really??
|
|
mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 10:55am PT
|
Welcome to the ALL ABOUT CRAIG FRY THREAD.
Learn how to elicit sympathy with soaked diapers.
Talk about LEFT FIELD!
For once you and I see eye to eye, Big Mike. :0)
|
|
Craig Fry
Trad climber
So Cal.
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:00am PT
|
I'm just reading into Patrick's dilemma
seems to be about a certain group of posters
that are on the Political threads
Okay. I do not agree with The Chief or Jody (to name a few), sometimes they annoy me,
But some of the vitriol and spite by some people on this forum, and the name calling, and..., what a turn off,
But do I need to hear somebody accusing another poster (by name) of being a “murderous special ops” or words to that effect?
I am not a lawyer, but I know slander and libel,
and BTW, you guys really suck, I guess I know who my friends are, Not you!
I like people that don't attack others with vile negativity or libel slander.
Which seems to be the same problem as Patrick has.
|
|
bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:03am PT
|
Paddy, old boy, you're a gem. Sorry about Jennie, but life throws us curveballs (you know baseball rhetoric).
I'm kinda battling some depression too, and it sucks. Climbing and just getting up and out really f*#king helps!
Dwelling on people who you perceive to be negative will only drive you deeper into the abyss of depression. Sure, some might actually be legit as#@&%es, but why let that trouble you?
Illegitimi Non Corborundum. Don't let people rule your moods and life, LIVE your life on your terms, my brother from across the pond.
Keep up the beach bouldering, sounds f*#king fun!
|
|
EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:06am PT
|
Patrick - So sorry to hear about the mental decline of your wife and it's impact on you. Sometimes life just sucks.
The vitriol around here ebbs and flows. The moderators seem set on minimal intervention. If you're gonna read the political threads, just expect a fair amount of crap. It's the usual suspects. And it's not too hard to simply look past their posts. You'll still be able to follow the thread.
The trip reports and climbing threads still offer good reading.
All the best in navigating through your current issues.
|
|
skcreidc
Social climber
SD, CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:06am PT
|
I wish you the best Patrick and I really feel for you. While some have used this site to just "vent", it seems you have been posting up threads to try to clarify your own thoughts on Jennie.
It seems as if you already know the answer to your problem, you just have to accept it. So I suppose the real question might be what conditions would allow you to accept this answer, and how do you go about getting to those conditions. Perhaps an independent assessment of Jennie and of the facility Jennie is staying in? Only you will know, but let me say that it also seems that you are still in the greiving process and it will take time to work through this. Don't forget to give yourself some time.
Peace be with you
Chris
|
|
pyro
Big Wall climber
Calabasas
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:13am PT
|
We are Taco Standers, Supertopians, yeah we spat, but let’s not carry it further. We should be civilized.
100%
|
|
the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:22am PT
|
My heartfelt condolences and support for you in a difficult difficult time.
I can't help but try to suggest some things that may help, but take what I say with a grain of salt.
There wil, always be conflict which leads to negativity. Hopefully not ont his thread though. Conflict is exciting and engaging while agreement is pleasant but boring. So conflict drives threads, movies, literature, world affairs, etc. try not to get sucked into it though, because as mentioned it often leads to negativity.
Yes you know it but time will help. Every day week month will be a little better. There will be setbacks but it will get better with time.
Try to get over the loss, but don't get over your good times with her. Hold them in you heart. All my friends that have had break ups only got over them when they began a relationship with someone new.. Granted this is different and you may never replace a soulmate. My grandfather died and my grandmother remarried and was happy. And that helped. But her first husband was the love of her life and that's okay.
Do all the things you are supposed to do even if its just at a minimum. Have a regular sleep cycle, 11pm to 7 am or so. If you can't sleep though take an afternoon nap, but get up and go to bed at the same time. Eat mostly healthy. Get excersicse, at least an outdoor walk for 15 minuts plus everyday.
I really don't know what healthiest for you relationship. Maybe see her without her knowing you are there once a week? Move back to Cal and move on? I'd say talk to a professional about that. I don't think seeing her and making her upset is good for either of you but I really don't know.
Hang in there.
P.s. forgive my screwy touch device typing.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 11:27am PT
|
Mouse from Merced
"I've experienced the loss of my wife who was my missus only seven short years and it took several to come to terms with this loss."
Gosh that sounds like what I am going through, but I am such the eejit, I do not think I will ever comes to terms wiht it.
People tell me to move on, but how do you do that?
My GP Mary, a great physician, says I am going throug a sort of bereavement and it usually takes people two years or so.
I just want Jennie back in my life.
I gave up my Day Skipper lessons and a week ice climbing in Scotland and two weeks in the Alps to look after her. And I would do that a thousand times over. I never mentioned it to her as I was told that is not a smart thing to do, but I wonder if she knew, she must have.
I never laid guilt trips on her, I am sure I didn't, I hope I didn't. Gosh, I hope I didn't.
I love her so much, but she is gone, and I will probably never get her back in my life.
I hate dementia, I really do. I hate dementia with a passion. Does she even remember me? Well, I am told she asks about me, somewhat indifferently though. She asks if I am working, if I am healthy, if I am okay.
|
|
bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:36am PT
|
Patrick, she will always remember you, as you do her. You are in her heart, her soul, and her mind. You have left an indelible imprint into her life.
That is something to be proud of, not depressed about. Stop beating yourself up over this. You loved and lived, and Jennie still loves ya, bro.
Rock on, Paddy!
(did you really get to meet the 'Iron Lady', Maggie Thatcher?)
|
|
the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 11:45am PT
|
I lost one of my best friends in an accident and I'd say two years is about right. For about 4 months I was a mess. I wasn't really myself for a year. After two years I wasn't thinking about it all the time anymore.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 11:51am PT
|
Hey everyone thank you for your thoughts and feedback.
It does help, I apologize for crying, but I do not have many outlets.
I really love the person I miss, some of us have been there, I only hope others do not have to go through the pain.
I have been on tough ice, glaciers, blizzards, 5.11s with scant pro, (and Maggie Thatcher) but I know one thing…
There are good people on this forum.
I miss Jennie so much, she gave me meaning in life, what is wrong with me, why can't I let go?
She is in a good place, being well looked after, and I am glad, yet…
I miss her.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 12:00pm PT
|
No Maggie and I were not on Butterfingers, more like Butterballs. She wanted to lead (like always, ask the Welsh and Sheffield miners), I told her that the Good Book and Folly were better for her, I forgot to tell her about the rockfall though.
I am a bad boy, but I never treated Jennie bad, never. Maggie, well, I walked out of Number Ten alive.
|
|
bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 12:04pm PT
|
We're here for ya, Patrick. Good ole' Catholic prayer sent for Jennie. I really just sent one.
Hang tough, and gimme a call next time you're here in Cali. I have a spare bedroom and loving company. Most of the time....hehe.
You're a kind soul, Pat, and I know Jennie feels that. It's what some people refer to as 'love'. Once you implant that love, it never dies. It never fades.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 12:22pm PT
|
Okay Bluering, and this may not sit well with some people. Bluering, you and Fattrad (and Jody, The Chief, Couchmaster, TGT, who did I forget? there are so many of you, climbers are supposed to be liberal, what has happened?) are not of my same politcal persuasion, but you (and you too Dingus, but I believe we are like-minded aren't we?).
I am going to say, Fattrad, he offered me a lift home from San Francisco International, when I came home from Ireland to be at my mom's funeral (January 2007).
Yeah, he used to mouth off on the forum about knowing and rubbing elbows with, I don't know, Teddy Rooselvelt, William Shakespeare, Aristotle, even Jesus.
But when push came to shove, he offered me support and met with me. See right-wing capitalists are not that bad, I am a left-wing capitalist. And all my money is going into dementia research, wait, I do not have any money.
But I can still climb 5.10, sort of, French style (and I used to live and work in France, must have rubbed off me).
Thank you Bluering, I believe you are sincere, but don't you live in the south Bay, I am not sure I am allowed there, I am East Bay grease, sort of like being a Dubliner southsider needing a visa to cross the Liffey. except i am a Californian.
http://movinglives.org/Stories/Immigration_Status/
Patrick and Jennie
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 01:05pm PT
|
My advice, if you find yourself in a country, become as documented as fast as you can.
I did not in England, France, Ireland until push came to shove.
My fault, I got through each time because I am a chancer, an honest chancer, I have never cheated or hurt anybody, ever. But things catch up with you. I have never commited a crime, except being illegal I suppose.
But I have always tried to help people, be a good community person involved in local affairs. And people have helped me, bless them.
I guess I am an idealist, but some day, I hope there is a world where we do not know boundaries, and live in peace with one another. I am not holding my breath, but it could happen.
I miss Jennie so much, she is the love of my life. but does she miss me?
I hate dementia, we will find a way though, it may not be in my lifetime, in my generation, but your children or grandchildren will find it, I know they will. It truly is one of the last frontiers.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 01:33pm PT
|
Encourage your future generations, to study and work on this affliction, they may be helping you or your parents.
It can be overcome, who says brain cells and neurons die? We used to think that but modern science, reasearch and techology…
It may be too late for Jennie, let's hope it is not.
|
|
skcreidc
Social climber
SD, CA
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 01:35pm PT
|
Try reading the book "Blue Zones" for a different slant on the topic.
|
|
LilaBiene
Trad climber
Technically...the spawning grounds of Yosemite
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 05:47pm PT
|
Hi Patrick,
Having suffered from depression for 41 out of my 45 years on this planet, I deeply empathize with the added layer of heavy, emotional fog that makes everything seem that much worse...and makes it difficult to get out of whatever hole or rut or circular thinking in which you may find yourself (or not).
I'm so sorry for your deep loss and longing.
As Jennie's carer for so long, I suspect that you feel the absence of her presence that much more strongly because you put everything, your whole life, into making sure she was loved and safe and well cared for.
Perhaps you could now re-focus that energy (you know it's there) on finding a way to burn off the unbearable fog?
To break out of circular thinking that used to only reinforce my sad feelings, I used to make lists of all of the things that I could ever dream of doing, and then start doing them -- the ones I could afford, anyway. ") Whenever I caught myself going down a dark road, I'd pull out my notebook and add as many dreams and adventures as I could until I ran out. Then I would pick something, and either plan it out or go do it. (I had a handy list of fun, free things to do so that I'd never be able to tell myself I had nothing to do.) Even if it was just getting outside to take a few deep breaths of fresh air, it was something.
As I stuck to this practice, I realized that I was slowly altering my focus -- away from things that I couldn't control, and to things that I could. I also realized that my focus was gradually turning toward the present and future, rather than the past.
Focusing on your own healing doesn't mean that you have to let Jennie go. It may even get you to a better place where you can be at peace and in balance with the way things are. Jennie will always be with you, just as my birth parents will always be with me.
As I've been admonished on more occasions than I'd care to admit myself, ask for help! And keep asking. There are an awful lot (no pun intended!) of strong shoulders and keen, thoughtful minds on this forum.
Wishing you peace and some sunshine to help lift the fog...
|
|
skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 06:02pm PT
|
I wish there was a magic something to fix my broken brain, but Wellbutrin seems to help.
|
|
rottingjohnny
Sport climber
Shetville , North of Los Angeles
|
|
|
Oct 12, 2015 - 07:07pm PT
|
Patrick...you were on Maggie Thatcher...? You stud...! rj
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2015 - 11:56pm PT
|
John, it was more like Maggie was on me.
How are you doing, are you still in Mammoth, I have your email, I'll ask more on that.
In some ways to say this, but I regret, hate, or am just sort of sad people, but…
I am no longer a carer and I can climb in Scotland, the Alps, Andes…
And sail, surf and ski and kayak. But Jennie was never a burden, I may have been, probably was. I never ever thought of it and told her, she is not a burden, she is the person I want to be with regardless...
Well, climbing and other pursuits, money is an issue, I believe we all know that, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Yet, if I could see Jennie and hug her again, that is better than any mountain in the world.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 12:22am PT
|
I am a hopeless romantic, but was there ever a hopeful romantic. Probably.
I may not have written best seller books on the Times list, not yet at least, and not sure I want to (well, if there is a nice paycheck, I could change my mind).
I just want so…
see Jennie
And climb Salathé Wall, Half Dome's NW face, (I already did Snake Dike), Denali, Rainer (I bagged Shuksan, and St Helen's, before it blew, as well as Olympus, North Palisade, Shasta, Mount Sill…) And the two ladies I really want to meet, Alpamayo and Ama Dablam.
And at one time, I climbed Jennie's Heart, and would love to do it again. Not a "conquest", there is no such thing, but a mutual… "understanding"?
Taco Standers, fellow Supertopians, thank you for your thoughts.
I just miss Jennie, and I am sad, I cry and I am pathetic.
And I am going to go bouldering. Photos to come.
I wish there were some real cliffs to climb, Rocklands in Wexford is, well…
I'd prefer Dalkey Quarry or Yo Valley, the Palisades, Bugaboos, Squamish, Red Rocks, Lundy Island, the list is endless.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:02am PT
|
Bullshit Jim, it is not obsession, I have addressed that with professionals, so please keep your effing self-opinions to yourself. I just miss Jennie and I am trying to move on.
Do you even know what obsession is, you pontificate more than a number of times like you are some expert. Go climbing.
Are you really self-righetous as to lecture me? I am not obsessed, that had been discussed, but what the fck would you know, I just write as a form of, I don't know, relief. I have enough going on, you have pilloried me in the past, does that make you feel good dude?
I would bet it does, you can be so high and mighty. I hope I am wrong, that you are a really nice person.
"Brenanns' Bread, today's bread for today"
I think I will get my loaf elsewhere. Tescos or Supervalu, or Pat the Baker.
EDIT, apologies Jim, I was just being a reactionary, but people and I describe my care for her as a dedication and devotion. I hope I am not obsessed.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:38am PT
|
No Lord Jim, people are not mistaken, I am just having a difficult time accepting reality, that I may never see Jennie again.
Of course, you know all about reality, unlike me. But you seem to have an issue with me venting my spleen, so to speak.
I hope and trust your life is going well. I really do. I do not like to see sadness in anybody's life, I mean that sincerely.
You go climbing, I go climbing and we will breath fresh air.
Jim, I am not obsessed, I have wondered about that but the pros say no, you are just sad.
I don't know, you have picked on my thoughts and troubles before, I hope you are a good therapist, but I am sure we both agree, we will not be seeing one another. I may not like you, I don't, but I trust you are a decent person and not righteous as you seem to be in my eyes. I could be wrong. I hope I am.
I do not want to make enemies, I have enough troubles.
Take care dude, I mean that.
EDIT
I was just thinking, I dont drink, but having you pass judgment on my situation and me, I could use a stiff whiskey, Powers please.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 01:52am PT
|
You hear the same thing from everyone you engage and encounter but they must be mistaken.
No Jim, they are not mistaken, I may be, or perhaps I am. I hear what others are saying, it just is, accepting reality can be difficult.
You have taken the time to question me before, I hope you do it in a good spirit, and not Powers.
If you are sincere, I will listen. The professionals tell me this and that, and if I was smart, should I listen, or are they self-serving (I only speak of the social workers, who I question. My GPs, counselor and others try to keep me focussed.)
I mean it. I need wise counsel.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 02:15am PT
|
I love you all, where else, (well, maybe there are other places), can I speak my mind, get feedback (some I like, some I do not like, suck it up Patrick).
We are all climbers, love it or leave it.
And I will climb Ama Dablam someday.
But more importantly, if Jennie is safe and happy, I should be happy. And I am, I just miss her.
Jim and others, can't you understand that. I am not obsessed, that had been looked at. I am just devoted to her. What is wrong with that?
Well, devotion only goes so far. Or does it? I was alone for years, and she appeared, baggage and all, like I have.
She stuck by me and I stuck by her.
Jim and other Taco Standers, I know have to move on, but it seems so effing difficult to accept reality.
That said, Jennie may have a miraculous recovery and say, "I want to see Patrick, he's not climbing is he?"
EDIT
And Aggie is such the great dog, and a brat. And very smart.
People, I miss Jennie, but I am told to move on. How do you do that without crying. None of my novels or screenplays are selling, nobody wants to hire a 59-year-old journalist. I must be a shite writer.
I am lost, I admit it.
If Jennie was in my life, I could take it.
I have Aggie, she is a great dog and companion, and I am getting a kitten from the SPCA next week. I have run out of money and I need work. The car is in the shop, more money but the insurance and motor tax are paid.
My cousin in Seatlle, Jini, says to move on, find work and …
… and what?
I have first-world problems. Like, is my climbing and sailing gear in order. What am I going to eat for supper.
There are many people in this world far, far worst off than I am.
And I do worry about them.
But, I have to worry about myself, is that so wrong?
And I miss Jennie. Did I mention that before?
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 02:53am PT
|
Don't do anything precipitously...
You are such the scoundrel Jim.
I need people like you to keep my feet grounded, unless my feet are on a 5.11, and then, I do not want to be grounded.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 03:25am PT
|
http://movinglives.org/Stories/Immigration_Status/
I look at that video and I think, a job well done by the documentarian, for the Immigrant Council of Ireland,.
I have made documenetaries. Good ones (I think), I would cite them but it does not matter, what matters is the stories of other people.
I look at that video and sometimes think, was I so posy. I am a professionaly trained actor. But i was speaking the truth. I was, I am not trying to justify myself, I was being honest in the documentary.
More important, the other stories are so much more… important.
Take Anna, brought to Ireland from Eastern Europe as a sex slave when she was 15. What she went through, good heavens she suffered for years but it was only the ICI that made a new life for her, not the Irish government.
The council is the most important body in Ireland fighting human trafficking.
Or Misan, a migrant from Africa, a very good man, He has been a Dublin bus driver for years, but people still get on and tell him, "you black bastard."
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 04:01am PT
|
I mean Anna, brought from Eastern Europe being forced to have sex with up to 15 men a day, good god, if there is such a god, and I do not believe it, (why did not he/she protect Jennie from her father, there is no god).
There is no god, but there are good people.
And Misan, a naturalised Irish citizen, being abused, because of his "color".
If there is a god, where is he or she?
If there is one, why did the supreme being abandon humanity, what a wimp, blasphemous ? Yeah, but I going to die anyway.
However, I wonder and hope, if there is a god and that if being will listen to my prayers, please help Jennie. Me? I do not care about. If I died knowing she remembered me and loved me, I'd die a happy camper.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2015 - 04:18am PT
|
I am nothing, Jennie is everything.
But listen to the stories of Anna and Misan.
http://movinglives.org
Supertopians, we are not one-night warriors,
But listen to other people please, it will take an hour out of your time, if that.
|
|
BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
|
|
|
Oct 13, 2015 - 09:57pm PT
|
Depression is a fairly natural byproduct when an addict goes sober. One spends time maybe years living a life driven by emotion instead of logical thought. Kinda like putting the horse before the cart. Emotions should be a byproduct of logical thought.. When one lives like this over a long period of time, there becomes a restructuring of the brain. The mission then becomes to get the brain back to normalcy. Dwelling on the past is not a step forward. If I may offer a little advice, imagine what's the best you, you can be to your loved ones, friends, coworkers, and even strangers and make that your new addiction. Hint: sometimes it's easier to practice your new self on strangers cause ego hasn't a platform. If your truly sober, pull up ur bootstraps and BE ALL YOU CAN BE! There's no time like the present, and your not getting any younger. Your starting over so take baby steps which you can achieve, and soon you'll be climbing every mountain. And YES there is God. He's given you this time now to show how you would be if you were He 😇
|
|
thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
|
|
|
Oct 13, 2015 - 10:02pm PT
|
Patrick, your dog thinks you're something. So do we.
|
|
Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
|
|
|
Oct 13, 2015 - 10:15pm PT
|
Patrick-
It takes a LOT longer than just "a couple years." We've corresponded in the past, and I know what you're going through...cause I've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. It took me over 5 years to finally "let it go." FWIW, I'm with you in spirit.
Rodger
|
|
Saugy
Mountain climber
BC
|
|
|
Oct 14, 2015 - 12:10am PT
|
Ama Dablam, Patrick.. There's healing powers out there in the hills.. Get back there soon, and get started :)
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 15, 2015 - 06:16am PT
|
Depression is a fairly natural byproduct when an addict goes sober
WTF, how did you come up with that?
I am an addict? Tell me more about myself that I have not already revealed on this forum. Addict?
No, depression does not only come from addiction, you should know that Bluebocr or whatever your name is.
|
|
Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 15, 2015 - 06:27am PT
|
Michael, that's okay, I should not speak about Jen in public like I do she does not deserve it, but as for me, drink has never been a problem, but loving and missing her has become a problem for me.
And, I am going to make it a point to keep my mouth shut and fingers off the keyboard, I think I have made a fool of myself enough already.
And Jennie is a fine person.
|
|
HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
|
|
|
Oct 15, 2015 - 06:42am PT
|
I would love to be able to visualize your Ireland.... could you tell us some stories, they don't have to be big or elaborate, just some little ditties about life in Ireland and such?
Word.
I would love this too.
|
|
Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
|
|
|
Oct 15, 2015 - 07:29am PT
|
i'll put a quarter
in the dream machine
for you, Patrick.
this one's on me.
|
|
SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
|
|
|
Oct 15, 2015 - 07:43am PT
|
Hey there Patrick...thinking of you and your heartache of not being with Jennie.
A part of us stays behind but the bigger part of us must move forward to honor all that was.
The thoughts you share and your profound and deep love for Jennie always touch something deep inside of me.
It must seem as if your heart was ripped from you to have her taken away like that.
I know it must seem cold comfort that she is being cared for by others now.
May peacefulness and serenity find you again soon.
Susan
|
|
LilaBiene
Trad climber
Technically...the spawning grounds of Yosemite
|
|
|
Oct 16, 2015 - 11:33pm PT
|
Hey, thinking of you! How's that list coming along? ;D
I'd love to see some pics, hear a few stories, too!
Don't be a stranger. And quit "shouldding" all over yourself while you're at it, would ya? None of us is perfect, and we all have our own demons to conquer. It takes HEAP of courage to talk about depression and challenges we may not have quite yet mastered. For those who don't get that, well, just don't give them any credit.
A lot mre often than not, when you're suffering from depression, you just get STUCK. (I got reminded daily that I was stuck...well, yeah?!! Think I didn't know that?) Stuck is when you need to be able to talk it out, and talk it out some more, and some more after that, too...until you get to a point where you just don't want to be stuck anymore, and you begin to fight your way out. Some friends will drop by the wayside, family probably, too, but there are friends who will listen without judging. Perhaps as they have been stuck a time or two or a hundred, too. Hold on tightly to those friends - they are worth more than gold.
Really. Don't be a stranger.
|
|
the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
|
|
|
Oct 21, 2015 - 04:41pm PT
|
Hey Patrick, just hope you are doing okay.
|
|
Contractor
Boulder climber
CA
|
|
|
Oct 21, 2015 - 05:56pm PT
|
Hey Patrick,
In the short time I've been on supertopo I have enjoyed the discourse. Sure, there are a few meatheads, but I would say, as a general observation, the climbing community seems to be engaged and intelligent. Much more so than what I'm used too.
I've grown up surfing in San Diego, hassles and vitriol are commonplace. Try paddling straight out to the peak at New Brakes wearing a leash...
I think as#@&%es that feel the need to rage demean and slander, for the most part, are miserable and get their's in the end.
And on that note, my heard really goes out to Flappy, who has been tarnished and slandered!!
http://nbc.com.co/yelp-sues-south-park-for-10-million-over-episode/
|
|
| Messages 1 - 54 of total 54 in this topic |
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!