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Plaidman
Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
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Apr 25, 2013 - 10:59am PT
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I,m not Ozzy. Guard up.
Plaid
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Apr 25, 2013 - 03:44pm PT
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Having a tough time, though a relapse doesn't seem imminent. What good would it do? I'd still be where I am, but ashamed to admit it. A slip right now, for me, would be catastrophic. I am grateful that if I know nothing else, at least I do know that.
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Dr.Sprock
Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
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Apr 25, 2013 - 06:29pm PT
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makes me tired and stoopid,
i mean more stoopid, sorry,
the thrill is gone, sold the T shirt,
now i'm hooked on Red Bull, priced high because it tastes like crap,
hang in there Happygirl, don't let the bastards get you down,
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 25, 2013 - 07:13pm PT
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slip right now, for me, would be catastrophic
Yup....you need to stay whole, not just for yourself but Teddy too!
All the best,
Susan
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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Apr 25, 2013 - 08:39pm PT
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I'm looking forward to going to a meeting on Monday, being around others trying to get healthy.
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Plaidman
Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
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Apr 26, 2013 - 01:07am PT
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happiegrrrl -- I think about what I don't want. I sobered up not to just stop drinking. It was all the consequences that I got sick of. Like flipping cars, blacking out and ending up in weird places.
Then today it is what I would not feel. Today I cried cause I felt so much. It wasn't good or bad. Maybe it sounds silly, but I am intense. I just won't go back to the coma that was my life before.
Sometimes staying sober is just waiting long enough to see that next thing that makes it worth it. Or like a really hard climb that you just have to stay in balance mentally and physically, even spiritually because the key to that pitch is just the next hold that unlocks the whole climb.
Awe well, sometimes I just stay sober cause my higher power and it's just easier. It really is the easier softer way. Even when it's hard.
Plaid
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Norwegian
Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
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Apr 26, 2013 - 02:14pm PT
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my daughters saw it in my eye,
and understood my tone.
"here goes dad.
who knows where, but surely he is gone for
a moment or even a few days.
we respect his search. he always
comes back, eventually."
so we were whittling sticks in
the wood crib, we had a cozy fire
going. boston on radio waves...
not the horrible bombing story,
but instead, the band...
BORNE ON A FEELING!
and i launch into a speech,
aimed at no one in particular,
mainly at the walls whom always make me feel
uncomfortable....
and this time i watched my girls.
they scrambled a bit,
then found a comfortable perch:
maki seated,
anna leaning on one of those walls.
.... "sobriety?" i begin.
"...those whom make this pledge
are valid olympians. yes they are.
though, their firm emotional stance
suggests to me a naivety poised upon hope and optimism.
they think that they can deflect the bullet of
their undoing...
... buy some time.
....sell some smile.
not me. i've been doon the sober road,
and, yea, it leads somewhere...
though it lead to the same place that
my path of enjoyable addiction terminates....."
a half hour of something has passed.
my girls are still watching daddy.
i've been making a lamp,
all the while during my oration.
never are they riveted upon me
as in times like these.
open beings. all three of us.
where's mom?
probably baking bread,
love her.
so i see that a conclusion is in order,
and i wrap up my fleeting understanding with this:
"...i've a candle.
i burn it, seeking zen escape.
though evertime i light this candle,
i hear harley davidsons.
the ignition of the wick sounds just like
a harley roaring up my serene river canyon.
i hate harleys, i don't know how many times
i've swung fists according to my disdain of
those super-disrespectful-fvcks whom deem
it their right to attack the innocent silence...
but this candle.
those harleys.
a lesson is at hand, for me and mine.
zen is suffering.
alcoholism is an illness worthy of my physiology.
it just is my path.
i dont f*#king care,
the bills are paid,
we've a tall castle or two in the mountains.
song is borne, daily.
understanding is upset. daily.
prosperity is prey,
we, hunters..."
and thus my shout fades to a whisper.
"nice lamp daddy. whose it for?"
"oh. this lamp is for rick sumner.
rick's a good man. he traveled many untrodden
paths in our sierras. proud paths. proud man, rick."
"how much money, daddy, did you sell it for?"
"200 dollars, sweets. though the money is for
another good man and our friend, blitzo. he's sick
and needs some help. so rick donated the money,
i donated the stone, and the hole thru,
and the electron transfer across our brow's."
.. the girls stare at me with their beautiful
eyes and deep wonder...
nothing more is said,
cause we don't know the intent of the universe.
so we fumble onward together, as genetic companions.
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kaholatingtong
Trad climber
Nevada City
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Apr 26, 2013 - 02:44pm PT
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quality prose weeg, props.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Apr 26, 2013 - 03:59pm PT
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Trying.
Very trying.
I am so confused I don't know what to do any more. I think I have really hosed myself. (But I won't drink. Why would I want to miss feeling and going through this!)
And if my own crap wasm't enough, I had a friend tell me that one of my websites is nonfunctional in Internet Explorer. Trying to get help getting that fixed - from tech geeks who forget that they code 5.14X and are speaking to someone who understands 3rd class code... GAHHH! I want to throw my computer against the wall.
Time to take a break.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Apr 26, 2013 - 05:22pm PT
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Happi. Is that lens still for sale? Will it work on my Nikon D5000 DLR? Gonna take me about a week.
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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Apr 26, 2013 - 05:23pm PT
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Came very close to AO today. A call to my sponsor did the trick!
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orle
climber
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Apr 29, 2013 - 04:02pm PT
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The other night I tended a gently crackling campfire as twilight grew into night and the stars slowly emerged through the silhouetted pines, and I drank in a fine vintage of experience
Profound epiphany, brah :D
I quit the drink (and the subsequent benzo's) about 9 months ago. Still plays on my mind a lot, I'm sad to say.
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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Apr 29, 2013 - 04:04pm PT
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The writing here by people I respect talking about this topic in a very real way has made a difference in my life.
+1
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orle
climber
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Apr 29, 2013 - 04:05pm PT
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I'll see your +1 and raise you a +2
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Edge
Trad climber
New Durham, NH
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Apr 29, 2013 - 04:22pm PT
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Keep up the good work, Jebus! It continues to get better every day away from the drink.
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Plaidman
Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
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Apr 29, 2013 - 06:07pm PT
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I'm coming up on 3 years, life is incredible and I'm strong, but I still dream of my Dr. saying I have terminal cancer, that way I can re-lapse immediately... Fukcing sick right?
Sick? No just alcoholic.
Plaid
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Apr 29, 2013 - 07:15pm PT
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I'm doing better than I was a few days ago, due to being able to get on the move again. I just want to get back to NY at this point, and a small influx of orders for my jewelry and hair accessories, plus an unexpected birthday gift(the only b/day gift I have gotten in many years was 2 years ago, a board game from the guy I was road-tripping with, and he could have had no idea how much that simple gift meant to me,) has given me a few hundred miles worth of travel.
But I am worried about the feelings of self-loathing, fear and desolation which will probably rise up when I am stopped again. It was pretty bad last week. Maybe I will remember that I made it through that, and feeling the way I did wasn't helpful at all. Hopefully I will.
Today is my birthday and my Facebook page was filled with wishes. I am pretty sure near every FB friend I have posted something. I can use that as proof that people do care, if I start to feel lost again. So, if I come on here pouting in the next week, tell me to STFU... but nicely, please.
Sober today, and feeling okay.
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Mark Not-circlehead
climber
Martinez, CA
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Apr 29, 2013 - 07:52pm PT
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Last week was 13 years for me (4-24-2000).
To all those really struggling in your first day, week, month, year or decade: Keep it up. It gets better and better.
Lean on those strong enough to support you, cut loose all those weak enough to drag you down.
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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Went to a meeting today. I'm leaving for Japan on Thurs. and I'm a little worried about AO.
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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Hang in there Leeper. You're already a good step ahead of me by going to meetings. Wish I would have in the early stages, because there were a lot of outside stressors in my life when I first quit. Meetings would have helped I think. I'm just not a joiner, and not particularly open with emotions especially with strangers.
The upside is, there should be so much sensory stimulation from being in a foreign culture, you probably won't even miss the booze.
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