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Edge
Trad climber
New Durham, NH
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Mar 28, 2013 - 10:24am PT
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The funny thing about getting sober is that there are as many different approaches as there are people trying to get that monkey off their back. After a 33 year drinking career that ended in several year's worth of spectacular failure, I was blessed to find an approach that worked for me.
There is no doubt that AA and the 12 steps has a tried and true track record, but only when you have reached a point when you are ready to humble yourself, ask for help, and roll up your sleeves to do the work. Two months in a rehab was not enough for me the first time, and I continued my downward spiral for another two years. What that rehab stint did for me, though, was lay a foundation so that when I faced what I saw as a decision to either stop drinking or die, I knew what I had to do and checked myself back in. Coincidentally, it was on the day of my 49th birthday, and it turned out to be the best present I have ever received.
The previous resident of my rehab bed had left a card on the pillow that simply said, "Wait for the miracle to happen." At first I thought, "Yeah, right," but I held a place in my heart and head that there might be a solution. I worked my ass off, writing a 24 page First Step that was meant for me, and me alone; admitting that I was powerless over alcohol is the only step I need to do perfectly every day. I attended all of the meetings, asked for help by locating and calling a sponsor, and during my free time there I chose to work on my dis-ease instead of opting for the more "fun" alternatives.
One week into my second rehab I felt a change in my mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies. I couldn't explain it, and my family didn't believe it given my track record, but after one month I knew that I was ready to leave. Back home I worked the program hard, doing 120 meetings in 120 days even though I had no license and had to ask for help with rides; humbling and necessary. I worked the steps with my sponsor, spoke at meetings when asked, and prayed/meditated daily. Unbelievable to the drunk that was my former self, the obsession was lifted completely, and not once since leaving have I felt the urge to pick up. No drunk dreams, no twitching as I drive solo past a liquor store, no need to go back.
Alcoholism is a disease of "more," and for me I chose to not be limited to meetings and the label "My name is Loran, and I'm an alcoholic." That will always be a part of my story, but I find that it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I see myself as an alcoholic first and foremost, then I cannot evolve. My old sponsor takes the alcoholic label with pride and after 25 years he still goes to 5-6 meetings a week; it works for him and he is happy.
I stopped going to meetings at the year and a half mark, save for a weekly Alumni meeting at the rehab where I can share my experience with those just starting their recovery. This is now the only place where I tow the line and introduce myself as an alcoholic, more for the benefit of the newcomer than myself because deep down I know that I can't ever drink in safety. When I leave NH in 6 weeks, I am fully prepared to leave that part of my identity behind and become "Loran: husband, father, climber, furniture maker, and a tiny speck of earthly dust with ties to the Divine." By "Divine" I refer to a Spiritual approach, not necessarily religious. The two can go together or not, find what resonates for you and run (don't walk!) with it.
Should I ever find myself thinking about a drink I now know that I can make a call or attend a meeting full of friends that I haven't met yet. Until that day happens, if ever, I choose to move forward and evolve into whatever my Higher Self knows it can be. I just can't drink.
I wish peace and serenity to all of you still struggling. Sobriety is available to anyone who wants it for themselves and is willing to do the work on their own personal evolution.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Hadn't seen that last post til just now. Thanks for that Loran!
I am struggling today. Not to stay away from a drink. I WISH I wanted a drink - hahah! (Not seriously, thank God). But I do keep getting some sort of movie-scenario scene in my head where "the drunk" goes on a bender and a half, running to escape the present, knowing that some day, somewhere, he will wake up and just - won't be - here, in the present. Thie lure of the drunken state. I am grateful I know better, but that isn't helping much with how I feel.
I am just tired and scared and overwhelmed. Having stress dreams each night and feeling like no matter what I do, it is not going to pull the rabbit out of the hat this time.
A sponsor once told me, when the feelings I am having are excruciating, to ask myself if I have what I need right now. Asking myself that question right now, the answer is yes.
But the voice in my head screams "RIGHT NOW WON'T LAST FOREVER!"
Please, voice in my head - just shut the flying f*#k up.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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^I am sure I will feel like that again at times, but am sure glad I don't feel like that right now...
Anyway - someone posted this link to their Facebook Feed - a blog entry for Roger Ebert, written in 2009, when he had 30 years sober...
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/08/my_name_is_roger_and_im_an_alc.html
It begins:
"In August 1979, I took my last drink. It was about four o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, the hot sun streaming through the windows of my little carriage house on Dickens. I put a glass of scotch and soda down on the living room table, went to bed, and pulled the blankets over my head. I couldn't take it any more."
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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^^
Funny that you mention it. I'd seen some bit on a news show about hard core gutter drunks who would buy some bottom shelf mouthwash to guzzle. The story was from Denver IIRC, and it was a specific brand, Dr. something or other.
This was right around when I stopped drinking and I remember thinking "I'd better get some non-alc mouthwash, who knows it might trigger a craving". And I did switch to non-alc based, which happened to be the same stuff my dentist was recommending. Still using that type/brand.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Early on, I didn't worry about guzzling mouthwash, probably because I could afford to buy booze if I wanted, and wasn't living with someone (where one might feel a need to be more secretive about getting caught with booze).
But, once it was mentioned that there was a small amount of alcohol in most mouthwashes...that did it. I couldn't use the one I had (which did have it) without THINKING about that damned small amount. It wasn't long before I decided that it wasn't worth worrying about - just use non-alcohol wash!
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Hit the grocery store after work today. the usual, flour, yeast, raisins a few cans of pears, 2 apples a candy bar and a bottle of tripple berry seltzer. I noticed that I physicaly tense up when I walk down the beer isle....
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Apr 10, 2013 - 11:23am PT
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Then don't walk down the beer aisle! (har har)
One thing I heard in early sobriety was that, when drinking, we were used to walking down the sidewalk and falling into a hole in it, and then bitching about finding ourselves in the damned hole, wondering how the hell it happened.
Then, we stopped drinking and walked down the sidewalk and fell into a hole in it, and found ourselves bitching about it, wondering how the hell it happened.
Then, we began to see, while walking down the sidewalk, that there was a hole in it, and fell into it anyway... But while we were bitching about how it happened, we began to see that we had ignored the awareness of that hole!
Then, we walked down the sidewalk, saw the hole, became aware - and fell in ANYWAY!
Then, we began to walk down the sidewalk, and when we saw the hole - stepped around it.
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Edge
Trad climber
New Durham, NH
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Apr 10, 2013 - 11:31am PT
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Terry, when I was drinking and fell into a ditch, I just moved in some furniture and started selecting mud curtains. Today, that behavior is unacceptable; any and all urge to pick up is gone, baby, gone.
I have no problem walking down the beer and wine aisle, driving past the liquor store, or having my wife or son keep alcohol in the house. I have no need for that anymore, and have evolved spiritually, mentally, & emotionally to the point where it is not an issue. Now that is freedom, a gift of sobriety.
The only thing I seem to be addicted to is adrenaline.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Apr 10, 2013 - 12:32pm PT
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I'm similar to you, Edge, in that alcohol doesn't affect me -truly an amazing gift, although I was never "itchy" over it while drinking. My trigger, amongst society, was a fear I wasn't wanted in the crowd, that I wasn't good enough to be there, or somehow didn't deserve it.
In the third drink, I'd have those feelings melt away and began to relax. By the fifth, I was talking way too loud, and becoming a know it all. But apparently, I wasn't THAT bad, because people usually told me how entertaining and interesting I had been the night before. I wouldn't know, since always blacked out soon after "the melt."
Those feeling do still come up for me, when I am amongst others. Sometimes they don't -now THAT is MY gift from sobriety. WOW!
But sometimes they do. Sometimes I am walking down that sidewalk and those feelings are right there and I still walk in. The party at Seth's was an instance(though I wasn't aware of feelings of discomfort. But, instead of recognizing that I was doing my normal - sitting alone and watching things but not interacting, and making myself step around that hole and talk to people - I left.
Oh well....things take time. Some things take a LOT of time. SushiFest will be an opportunity for me to try again.
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Apr 10, 2013 - 07:27pm PT
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It is basicly impossible to avoid the beer isle in the grocery store. That is the same place i get my seltzer water and they organize the store so that you have to walk past certain items to get to other items. dairy for example is at the back of the store so you walk past more products to get your milk. Anyways i have no problem walking down the beer isle. i am not actually tempted to buy anything. i simply noticed that i tense up sometimes when i am in that isle.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
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Apr 10, 2013 - 08:25pm PT
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hey hank i know your pissed
cause i lipped off over there
on my cover of your sobriety thread.
so might i post hear,
i like to stand around my
7 left over cans,
and get real close to their
label.
i touch the can with a yearning heart,
and realize that only a thin
ribbon of aluminum keeps us
apart.
sometimes i rub the can.
then i even bite it gently,
like i would a nipple.
i've got pretty impressive
canines, almost vampire-like,
so if i really got after it,
i could prolly puncture a wee-breach
in the container and catch some
fumes, maybe a bubble or two.
a little bit of worship ain't sin
in my religion.
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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Apr 24, 2013 - 06:41pm PT
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been struggling as of late.
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hippielogger
climber
Townsend,Mt
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Apr 24, 2013 - 07:04pm PT
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Your not alone, we all struggle from time to time. Telling myself over and over I'm doing the right thing( not picking up a drink that is) works sometimes. Remind yourself of all the success you've had up to this point and strive for more!
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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Apr 24, 2013 - 07:25pm PT
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great advice. I had a good day today ;)
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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Apr 24, 2013 - 07:35pm PT
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The fear of what happens if I slip up is enough to quash most of the incipient cravings I have. But they still pop up. At the weirdest times too.
I'm getting plenty of positive reinforcement from my climbing. Climbing long time dream routes that are only possible for me because I stopped. That alone would be worth it. But it was feeling out of control (i.e. addicted) that made me stop, the climbing better part is bonus.
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Apr 24, 2013 - 09:31pm PT
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I am climbing better than ever despite nagging injurys associated with 51 yrs of hard work on the body.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
the tip of god's middle finger
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Apr 24, 2013 - 11:49pm PT
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trad i've some tinkerbell
perfume that will probably
repel some of the butterflies
that must flock towards your brilliance.
you know,
in case they are impeding your
righteous ascent, jest
let me no.
i'll hook you into
a mutually viable economic contract.
of course your lawyer may be
present as long as her wallet
is spilling social courtesies.
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Plaidman
Trad climber
South Slope of Mt. Tabor, Portland, Oregon, USA
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Apr 25, 2013 - 01:26am PT
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Nice job all. Looks like you are hanging there. Right on. Warms the soul. Coming up on 27 years next July. Working on new projects and eating better and losing weight.
Making another life change similar to quitting the booze. Sure has been a great ride so far with staying sober and knocking off the drugs. And it just keeps getting better. Even with bumps in the road. OMG it is better!
Plaid
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Dr.Sprock
Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
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Apr 25, 2013 - 07:26am PT
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Ozzy relapsed, don't drop your guard,
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