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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 9, 2014 - 12:41pm PT
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where are they? i salute those before, people here now and those to come...the following is one example cause this guy was so funny... post up if you have other ones(i know there are plenty) that still inspire you.
HI NG. BURT BRONSON HERE. SINCE THIS NG IS GOING DOWNHILL, I THOUGHT I
WOULD GRACE EVERYONE WITH SOME EXCELLENT WRITING AND TO ALSO HELP EVERYONE
TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE A SERIOUS VALLEY CLIMBER LIKE ME.
MOST PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO IDEA, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECORD MY EXPERIENCES
FOR THE 99.99 NON-SERIOUS CLIMBERS OUT THERE IN THE CYBER WORLD. ENJOY!
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER. THEREFORE,
MY GOALS IN THE VALLEY WERE FAR MORE SERIOUS THAN WHAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE. MY
OBJECTIONS FOR THIS TRIP WERE:
1) ASTROMAN IN SUB 3 HOURS WITH ONLY 3 NUTS, AND 2 CAMS - LINKING WITH CREST
JEWEL AND A DOWN CLIMB OF ROYAL ARCHES TO THE DEVIL POOLS - TOTAL CLIMB TIME
TO NAKED TIME AT THE POOLS: 6 HOURS
2) SOLO OF STECK-SALATHE BESTING HENERY BARBER'S TIME OF 2:45
3) SOLO OF THE GOOD BOOK WITH NO HELMET WHILE DODGING LOOSE AND FALLING ROCK
4) FREEBLAST BEFORE CURRY BREAKFAST BUFFET OPENS WHILE GETTING COMPLETELY
HAMMERED THE NIGHT BEFORE
5) PANTY RAID OF THE HUBERS FIXED LEDGE ON ZODIAC WHILE ASCENDING THE ROUTE
IN SUB 8 HOURS SOLO
6) THE ROSTRUM TO THE ALIEN FINISH WHILE TAMING A PERIGRINE FALCON NESTING
THERE TO BRING HOME AS A PET
7) SOLO OF GENERATOR CRACK IN RUNNING SHOES WHILE ON REST DAY/MORNING JOG TO
TUOLOMNE AND BACK
8) SMOKE AND DRINK BEER FROM BROWN BAG ON THE PIZZA DECK WHILE SCAVAGING
PIZZA AND DODGING THE YCS EMPLOYEES
9) SANDBAG THE NUMOURUS FIRST TIME WALL CLIMBERS WITH BAD WEATHER BETA AT
THE START OF THE NOSE TO TEST THEIR SERIOUSNESS
10) SMOKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEED WITH CHONGO AND THEN TELL HIM HE'S GOT
RELATIVITY ALL WRONG
AS YOU WOULD HAVE GUESSED, ALL GOALS WERE COMPLETED AND ACTUALLY SURPASSED.
MY TIME ON ASTROMAN WAS 2:20:43 AND WAS NAKED WITH COCK IN HAND AT 4:53:32.
MY TIME ON STECK-SALATHE WAS 1:23:21. I SUCESSFULLY DODGED FALLING ROCK ON
THE GOOD BOOK AND EVEN MANAGED ANOTHER SLIDE! FREEBLAST WAS A JOKE BUT
BREAKFAST WAS GREAT. I HAVE MUCH OF THE HUBERS GEAR AND A NEW SOLO RECORD
FOR ZODIAC. MY PET FALCONS NAME IS BECKEY. I'VE DOWNGRADED THE GENERATOR
TO 5.3+. I OWNED THE PIZZA DECK. NO NOSE GUMBIES PASSED MY TEST, WHICH IS
GOOD, AS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RESCUEING PEOPLE ON THIS TRIP. CHONGO HAS
ACCEPTED HE KNOWS NOTHING OF RELATIVITY AND CONFESSED THAT HIS BOOK IS A
SCAM - AS A SIDE NOTE, HE DID HAVE REALLY GOOD WEED.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 01:55pm PT
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nice goatboy,
he has resurfaced...
MEN,
BURT BRONSON HERE, INTRODUCING MYSELF TO THIS FORUM. IN 3 WEEKS I EMBARK ON MY GREATEST EXPEDITION, A WINTER CIRCUMNAVIGATION OF GREENLAND, WHICH I BELIEVE IS OFF THE EAST COAST SOMEWHERES. I COULD USE SOMEONE WHO CAN MIX A MEAN MOJITO AND KEEP POLAR BEARS AWAY WITH A SCATTERGUN. NO WOMEN NEED APPLY, AS YOU WOULD POP LIKE A CHINESE FIRECRACKER BEFORE GETTING 100 FEET FROM THE BOAT. LEAVE THE MAN FUN TO THE MEN, I SAY!!! WOMEN ARE FOR COMFORT AND SELLING REAL ESTATE, PRIMARILY.
WE WILL BE USING 7 FOOT NANSEN-STYLE SKIS WITHOUT SKINS BECAUSE SKINS ARE FOR POOFS. THIS SHOULD WEED OUT YOU CARBON-FIBER COWBOYS. I GOT SOME SPONSORSHIP FROM JULBO AND QUIZNOS SO WE WON'T SNOWBLIND OURSELVES AND WILL BE ABLE TO REPROVISION AS WE COME ACROSS QUIZNOS FRANCHISES.
APPLY VIA PERSONAL MESSAGE WITH YOUR RESUME. I AM SERIOUS SO YOU BE SERIOUS. NO BROKEBACK TYPES, SNOWBOARDERS, OR LIBERTARIANS! SOME OF MY ACHIEVEMENTS:
EVEREST CAR TO CAR IN 35 HOURS.
SKIED ALL COLORADO 14ERS OVER MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND, 1997
NAILED DON MATTINGLY'S SISTER IN A MUNCIE POOL HALL.
WOULD'VE STARTED AT QB BY SENIOR YEAR IF THAT SHOP TEACHER HADN'T BEEN SUCH A F*#KING LIAR!
SEE YOU ON THE SLOPES!
BURT BRONSON
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:08pm PT
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i realized i might single out some with this, but who cares as this is about humor. locker, we share the same interests i see
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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I hope this thread brings Burt back.
We need more of his ilk around here.
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:24pm PT
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yes tami, the all caps still makes me laugh.
agreed brandon. are you gettin psyched for the mud season yet?
another regarding growing up..
MEN, BURT BRONSON HERE.
I HAVE HANDLED THIS ISSUE. ALL BOLTS HAVE BEEN REMOVED AND ALL HOLES HAVE BEEN PATCHED. A TOTAL OF 1137 BOLTS WERE REMOVED. THE ROUTE HAS NOT BEEN ERASED IN TOTAL, HOWEVER. WHILE CLIMBING AND CLEANING, MY PARTNER AND I WERE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY FREE THE ROUTE ON ALL NATURAL GEAR WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ONE #2 AND TWO #1 COPPER HEADS WHICH WERE NECESSARY FOR THE PENDULUM OUT ONTO THE FACE.
WE BELIEVE THE ROUTE TO BE 'JUST OK'. WE THOUGHT SOUTHERN BELLE TO BE A MUCH BETTER ROUTE.
SINCERELY,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE TRUE MAN CLIMBER
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:28pm PT
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locker, i do not hope on this forum. i am bringing back some history here.
MEN: BRONSON HERE.
CLEARLY THE SUPERTOPO PERSON OF THE MILLINIUM IS BURTICUS BLOOMINGTHAUL BOCEPHUS BRONSON.
THE CONTRIBUTIONS BURT HAS MADE TO THE SUPERTOPO FORUM ARE HANDSTACK OVER ALL OTHER CONTRIBUTORS. THIS MAN CLEARLY KNOWS THE SERIOUS MAN SPORT OF CLIMBING.
LET'S ALL CONGRATULATE OUR HERO, BURT, ON THIS MAGNIFICENT ACHIEVEMENT!
CONGRATS, BURT. YOU ARE TRULY AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
SINCERELY,
BURTICUS BLOOMINTHAUL BOCEPHUS BRONSON, THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER AND A TRUE SUPERTOPO LEGEND.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Was it Burt I saw on the tyrolean between the Lost Arrow and Sentinel? If so, his downclimb of the West Face made it look pretty easy.
John
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:34pm PT
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i misread it locker, no prob just ignore me.
another classic..
AMMON: BRONSON HERE.
I KNOW THE ANSWER -
BRONSON, 1981, 114 ASCENTS, 87 INDIVIDUAL ROUTES. IT WAS A REMARKABLE TIME FOR A REMARKABLE MAN. A TRUE LEGEND.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE EL CAP PURELIFER (WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A DISTORTED EFFORT BY CHONGO IN '02) AND THE LAST OF A DYING BREED OF REAL MEN.
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:37pm PT
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ok, now the fun starts locker and we can spar all day if you like... just bored with plenty of time. is this bothering you as i have not even began?
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jgill
Boulder climber
Colorado
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AKA BURT BRONSON
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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LOL!!
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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I was thinking that BURT BRONSON should have a Facebook page, and...he does.
https://www.facebook.com/burt.bronson.1
Let me ask - does anyone think the real BURT BRONSON would care if I pilfered his service mark on t-shirts and stuff....? Just an idea hat came to me at this moment, but it could be fun.
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:52pm PT
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locker, i usually talk to people in person. agreed tone is often missed in these discussions and i fall prey just as anyone else...carry on. if i had more examples of others, i would put them up. this guy just came to mind.
jgill, classic. finally warming up in this state. maybe, i'll go pet some rocks
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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RURT BRONSON is definitely a brandable icon. I recall reading about when the man behind BURT accidentally made the fatal misstep that identified his handler, but don't remember who it was, nor did I recognize that person by name.
I don't have money to buy license rights, and I don't want to be an as#@&%e and just go for it, but...the more I think, the more funny things I can imagine doing graphics on.
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:57pm PT
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classic mouse, might be one of your shortest posts to date, though i have not searched.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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BURT BRONSON shirts would be funny as hell to those who know of the enigma. To anyone else, not so much.
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snakefoot
climber
cali
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2014 - 02:59pm PT
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happy, i'd buy a shirt as this guy kills me with his over the top statements
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