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Flip Flop
Trad climber
Truckee, CA
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Jul 11, 2014 - 02:13pm PT
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Mike,
Don't dismiss the parents instinct to survive. Sometimes good sense trumps ambition. Is it possible that you are well-adjusted? Because that can mess with your climbing head for sure.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Jul 11, 2014 - 02:50pm PT
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That Bukowski video is fecking priceless!!!
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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Jul 11, 2014 - 03:56pm PT
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Frankly, I don't want to stop. I am a rational thinker and thrive on stretching my comfort zone. I've done the physical and technical work that should allow me to realize my climbing goals.
Best post on the Taco. Seriously. It so resonated with me, particularly that I get from you that climbing is much more than just "having fun." There is an intentional "discipline" element to it for you, and that aspect of it transcends this or that particular experience.
You have really poignantly seen and expressed the stark contrast between the comfort zone of everyday life and "the void," as I think of it. That comfort zone of the familiar and normal can, of course, be shattered in a second. But most people spend most of their lives pretending that "all is well" in the comfort zone. True climbers intentionally embrace the void and seek to "know thyself" by probing it! What you experienced is HOW stark the clear, bright line really is between the "safe" and "known," on one hand, and the void on the other.
One step, just step up into the aiders... that's all it takes to cross the line. And that one step is the essence of the whole climb. Indeed, it is the essence of climbing!
In this case, you felt ALL the weight of that one step, and you stepped back. It's happened to ALL of us that take climbing seriously. And for ALL of us that have continued on with climbing, we have intentionally processed what that one step means, and we have determined to confront it again. You will too. That is what makes us CLIMBERS rather than "normal people" or just gymnasts. And CLIMBERS confront it repeatedly and even seek that confrontation.
Thank you SO much for sharing the depths of your experience, and in such a gripping and humorous way! Your bit about your wife's dastardly betrayal is just classic! Well done, sir.
I wish you courage and another go at that "one step" sometime in the near future. Here's cheering you on!
--Richard
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Bushman
Social climber
Elk Grove, CA
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Jul 11, 2014 - 04:08pm PT
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Loved that route back in '81. So much fun we did it twice inside a month. Rusty 3/16ths bolts and all. One popped at the belay and I dropped a foot. I got my first gray hair that day. Bet all the bolts are solid these days. Backed off a couple walls myself and still kicking myself for one I bailed off from the half way point, the other I knew I had no business on in the frame of mind I was in.
You'll be loving your bat poop smellin' bivy in no time!
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Ropeboy
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Jul 11, 2014 - 05:05pm PT
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I can see you love climbing. Why not get some more miles under your belt with a bunch of mixed free and aid one day climbs? Then do several easy Grade V climbs to get used to the "stuck on the wall" commitment. It might take you another full season or more to find your magic but as someone else said, the rocks will still be there when you are ready. You don't even have to return to the Leaning Tower, ever. There's lots of great stuff to climb, and adventure is guaranteed. I wish you the best on your journey.
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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Jul 11, 2014 - 06:20pm PT
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Is it possible that you are well-adjusted? Because that can mess with your climbing head for sure.
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Mikemcee
Social climber
Mill Valley, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 11, 2014 - 09:44pm PT
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I'm not sure about well adjusted but I am house broken.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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Jul 12, 2014 - 07:42am PT
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I think you would feel better if you had gone up a few bolts,
and left a ritual offering to the booty-verse.
The sting of leaving gear can stand in for the larger pain of retreating.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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Jul 12, 2014 - 08:13am PT
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I did a winter solo of the Leaning Tower, and getting across that traverse with my haul bag was the scariest part of the entire climb.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Jul 12, 2014 - 08:16am PT
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+1 for the descent being the crux!
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Jul 12, 2014 - 08:20am PT
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Getting to the summit is optional.
Getting back down is obligatory.
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pyro
Big Wall climber
Calabasas
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Jul 12, 2014 - 08:21am PT
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I've done the "walk of shame" a few times.. whatever!
it's all about stay'n alive..
West face was my second rope solo.. was scared the entire time.
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coppolillo
Trad climber
boulder, co
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Jul 21, 2014 - 10:19am PT
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Here's the thing about the OP...the guy is a 64-carat all-time BALLER. I've known Mike for 20ish years...but never tied in with him. Didn't even know he was a climber until a few years back...I knew him in the bike racing days. And back then, there weren't many faster. And he was clean. Dude.
Great writing and even better self-study. "He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is awakened."--Lao Tzu.
Sorry, couldn't resist, I'm from Boulder, it just comes out. I'll focus on your intent/honesty/ballerificness during my restorative yoga session tonight, Mike!
Seriously...digest it and take the good words provided by the crew here...bunch of good stuff, by the sound of it.
Lemme know when you go back up there...love to check out a wall with you someday, bruddaman.
RC
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bluegreyguy
climber
sf, ca
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Jul 21, 2014 - 01:29pm PT
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mike check one-two! love the post brotherman - missed this the first time around but loved it. we need to go back to the zodiac again!
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BBA
climber
OF
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Jul 21, 2014 - 01:40pm PT
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The problem is that now you have to add WFLT to your list of "vendetta climbs", climbs on which you failed for reasons other than the body failing (the body knows no shame). I am 73 and can recite the three vendetta climbs I have from the 60's. Not much chance I'll get up them now. Damn!
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thebravecowboy
climber
in the face of the fury of the funk
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Jul 21, 2014 - 06:36pm PT
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Michelle
Social climber
1187 Hunterwasser
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Jul 21, 2014 - 07:00pm PT
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HTFU...? just kidding! What you describe is basically how I experience climbing these days. I've been on hiatus for a few years and I'm relearning how to deal with anxiety.
Brandon-
We are gunna die!!!!!!!
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Jul 22, 2014 - 07:10am PT
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A really great post that caught my eye when it first came out, but I saved reading and replying to it until I had enough time to give it proper thought. First Mike, thanks for sharing. Courageous of you to share your pussy-dom with the entire world. We've all done it at one time or another, and this was or is your time.
You wrote that you guys climbed South Face of the Column together only a few weeks previously. What happened between then and the Tower? Because if you could climb the Column, you could certainly climb the Tower.
I will point out in fairness that the traverse to the beginning of the route is pretty epic. It is quite exposed, far from trivial, nominally only fourth class, but quite hard and scary when humping a pig. Plus you end up on a ledge four hundred feet above the ground before you even start the technical clinbing! So it's an intimidating situation just to get started.
But before I start offering any advice, I need you to answer a couple questions, the first one being posed above, what happened between the Column and the Tower? Two successful guys, suddenly their bollocks shrivel up. Why?
Secondly, do you really REALLY want to keep climbing? How badly do you WANT this route?
Answer those two questions, and we'll talk.
Cheers, eh?
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Mikemcee
Social climber
Mill Valley, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2014 - 11:13am PT
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Alright Pete, since I've spent a fair amount of time reading stuff you've written as well as the better part of an afternoons amusement watching you climb about 30 feet of that Continental Drift puckerfest, I'm game to pull my pants down again.
The Column was actually plan B for us. We had originally planned to do WFLT as our first outing but figured we'd take a path of less resistance to get to know each other a little better. Plus, like I said in the OP, I find Leaning tower to be one of the more intimidating pieces of rock in the Valley. The answer is nothing changed, we were ready, psyched, and there! Keeping in mind that there really is no answer, let alone "right" answer, I figured it was worth asking....How does it go bad so fast? How does rational thought process get completely run over by the irrational?
As for the second question, even before I started climbing, as a kid growing up in NYC, I thought climbing el cap was the sickest adventure anyone could ever have. Sleeping on a wall? PSYCHO! But for some reason, I really wanted to do it. I still have that dream but I believe in process and I think that WFLT is a really important MTFU step for me. I want to climb the rock across the Valley and believe that getting up Leaning Tower will improve my prospects for a successful ascent. Your question of whether or not I really want to keep climbing is great. I do but I HATE letting people down...the feeling of compromising someone elses adventure scares me more than anything which means that as a matter of process, I first need to be reasonably sure that the next time I hike that traverse (or any other), that I am prepared to do battle with the demons and head up rather than down.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jul 23, 2014 - 11:27am PT
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Pretty much the zack same thing got me off the Steck-Salathe in the '70s and I never did satisfy that nagging self-doubt by doing the route.
Myles Moser has offered to take me up the climb, but I'm past it now and am resigned to living without that jewel in my lotus.
You going back up?
Yer gunna...
...I'm sure of it.
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