Nature visits the Non-stop Erotic Cabaret (vaguely on-topic)


Discussion Topic

Return to Forum List
This thread has been locked
Messages 1 - 20 of total 94 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>

A long way from where I started
Topic Author's Original Post - Aug 16, 2010 - 02:29am PT
Any of you who have been following the “Nature in the PNW” thread know that young Sushi-boy is up in Tacoma helping out as his father recovers from having his knee taken apart and put back together.

Of course his visit inspired some of the local Supertopians to go into party mode, but what with yoga classes and such, the lad missed out on the party Wayno hosted in his honor. I’d say we missed him, but, hell, a good party is a good party.

Saturday morning, though, he pried himself free. Or, he started to pry himself free. Got up real early, put the coffee on, threw his pack in the car, went back in and poured a coffee. But the coffee sucked. Hadn’t perked long enough. So he poured it down the sink, jumped in the car, and headed to a nearby drive-through espresso booth.

Now, we have to stop this tale here and back up a bit. Nature’s not exactly a bumpkin who just fell off the turnip truck. He’s been living in Tucson recently, and Tucson is, if not New York or Chicago, not Fargo or Boise either. But nothing in Tucson prepared him for what he saw when he rolled down the window and leaned out to order his morning spro. I’d try to quote him describing the barista that asked what he wanted, but I don’t know how to type drool and lust. See, they don’t have the whole peeler espresso stand thing in Tucson yet. Forty minutes later, when he rolled up in front of our house, he still couldn’t really talk. Just kept lifting up a take-away coffee cup and pointing at it while mumbling indecipherably. I’d been looking forward to meeting him, but that would obviously have to wait until he was capable of something other than grunting. So we threw him and his pack into our van, and headed east.

By the time we parked, he was sort of human again. But I think the grin was for the mostly-naked barista, not for me.

At that point Steve & Mimi pulled up, and we took advantage of Nature’s going over to greet them to unload a bunch of gear from our packs and stuff it in his (him being young and strong, and probably too mind-melted to notice), and then we all hit the trail.

Half an hour later we were unpacking at the base of Rattletale Wall, and he was still grinning.

We pointed to the two obvious lines, and while Steve and Mimi were thinking about which they’d prefer, Nature pointed up and said: “I wouldn’t mind getting the rope up that one.” Route names are a little bit vague up there, but I think the crack system he was psyched to lead is “Non-stop Erotic Cabaret.” Fitting, somehow.

We handed him the gear and said, “Go for it. It’s a fine 10a.” Pause “Index 10a, that is.”

So he bounded up onto it and immediately came to a complete halt as he tried to figure out how to get up the flaring off-width that starts things off.

Meanwhile, Steve and Mimi headed up Rattletale, which is a series of three very short corners with nice comfy ledges between them. You could probably string the whole lot together with a single 70m rope, but what with the comfy ledges and all, most folks do it in three pitches. The Non-stop Erotic adventure Nature had embarked on was a single very long pitch, to the left and not easy to see in this shot.

So I belayed Nature, Mimi belayed Steve, and Mari shot some photos. Both these climbs look pretty easy. Nice cracks, plenty of pro… In fact the Erotic Cabaret looked so easy that Nature didn’t bother actually taking much pro. Here’s Steve starting the second pitch of Rattletale.

What you can’t really tell from the picture is that the left-hand wall is overhanging. And there’s nothing for feet anywhere. And after two nice solid hand jams, the crack widens to 3 inches. Horrible off-hand size and leaning out over you. Index 10b.

Here’s Steve a little further up, giving up on jamming and getting ready to run it out on layback to the ledge.

Over to the left in that picture above you can see Nature, about twenty feet above his last pro (he hardly took any, remember, cuz it was so easy-looking) finally standing on something solid, with a real square edge under his hands. The temp was getting toward 95, he’d found out that Index 10a isn’t quite like other places, and all thoughts of naked coffee women were long gone. Replaced by thoughts about puking. And of course when he got to the belay ledge (about 10 feet above him in picture) he had to spend the next half hour in a concave reflector oven while I struggled up behind him.

It’s a nice ledge. Terrific views, and a great place to hang out. But as I got ready to bring Mari up, he got ready to rappel. “Not going to hang out with me?” “Dude, the recipe said ‘bake at 350 for 30 minutes.’ 30 minutes is up, and I’m fully baked.”

It didn’t take Mari long, and she and I were soon back on the ground, pretty much at the same time as Steve & Mimi got down from their climb. As usual, there was some comparing of notes, but that ended pretty quickly when it turned out that a certain well-known hardman had found a certain climb to be strenuous enough to cost him his breakfast. That didn’t deter Mari and Doug, who immediately set off up Rattletale, but Mimi and I, and a certain well-known hardman, decided that it was time to stop climbing for the day.

Nature soon found that Index 10b was more challenging than anticipated, and he’s paid me handsomely to pretend that I didn’t take any pictures of him in the overhanging off-hands pitch, so we’ll move on to early afternoon, with a somewhat physically and emotionally battered Arizona boy doing his best to smile as he represents the Taco Stand.

Yeah, that’s right, Nature’s gone skinhead.

Since it was almost two o’clock in the afternoon we knew we had to get down the trail as quickly as possible in order to avoid being benighted. Okay, Mari wanted to keep on climbing, but the rest of us could hear the beers calling our names and the vote was four-to-one. Once on the highway we found ourselves in a massive traffic jam as police and rescue crews cleaned up the aftermath of yet another horrific accident caused by yet another idiot who thought that pulling out of a side road onto a highway would magically cause the 40-foot, boat-towing RV that was bearing down on him at 50 mph to somehow disappear.

Eventually though, we all made it home, and there was food and drink and talk until late into the night.

Despite the longing look in his eye, Steve put the bottle down and stayed reasonably sober. The rest of us got wasted, and Nature made the wise decision to crash with us rather than trying to drive back to Tacoma.

In the morning, I made espresso for him. But he said it wasn’t the same.
Mighty Hiker

Vancouver, B.C.
Aug 16, 2010 - 02:42am PT
and poured a coffee
Into what, if you don't mind our asking? Doug has some non-standard uses for his coffee.
Toker Villain

Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
Aug 16, 2010 - 02:53am PT
Thats right.
Not all "coffee mate" is made by Carnation,..

Social climber
On the Road, Pacific Slope
Aug 16, 2010 - 02:54am PT
Sounds like you all had a very fine day on the crags. I wish I could have met Nature and there would have been time for me to climb with you all AND to visit Mt. St. Helens. I'll post a more complete account of my weekend soon, but since I just finished doing my pix, here are a couple.


Trad climber
Aug 16, 2010 - 02:54am PT
Excellent TR! Sounds like everyone (even the puker?) had a great time at Rattle Tale on the record hottest day of the year. Way hardcore.

Those are terrific shots of the Rattle Tale area. It's hard to catch the burliness of that crack on camera...but, along with the narrative, you came pretty close. Thanks for sharing it with us who chose to stay home and hide from the sun. (I cancelled my trip out there today when I saw the forecast.)

Aug 16, 2010 - 03:40am PT
A mostly naked barista? Always good to leave something to the imagination, I guess.

Nice, very, very, nice.

Don't you have any good shaded climbs at Index?

Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
Aug 16, 2010 - 05:06am PT
I'm laughing myself to sleep. Index 10b. Hoh-man.
Clint Cummins

Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
Aug 16, 2010 - 06:07am PT
Cool. But I think the crack Doug led is left of Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret p1, is a 5.11c face with 3 bolts and arete just below of the corner Steve climbed. (p2 climbs the arete left of Steve's corner and then continues to an upper arete).
Checking Sky Valley Rock, the route Doug led is called Revenge of the Goddess Kring.

Vision man...ya gotta have vision...
Aug 16, 2010 - 07:58am PT
That there is a nice day of climbing.
Might have to start drinking coffee just to come up there...
but I ain't shaving my head!!!
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Aug 16, 2010 - 09:04am PT
Thanks for this affectionate tale! Also it's always a good idea to keep track of these particular characters, as you obviously well know.

Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
Aug 16, 2010 - 11:13am PT
What a great trip report - so much fun to read!
Darryl Cramer

Social climber
Aug 16, 2010 - 11:56am PT
Ah David - I thought you guys would end up somehwere else given the forecast. I briefly looked for you guys (trying to scam a free TR) and then walked up to the Upper Wall with a chainsaw for some trail clearing work.

Looks like you guys had a better day.

Traffic was even worse driving back to Seattle on Sunday.

Aug 16, 2010 - 12:40pm PT
I tried to get a picture. I even asked her if I could take one but she pointed to a sign that said no videos/photos.

Roll down window

look inside

smoking hot ~25 year old co-ed blonde girl in nothing but a two piece bikini. Little was left to the imagination. Belly button ring and tramp stamp.

I went from ordering a double espresso to a single decaf.

I asked for a pile of napkins to mop up the drool.

Aug 16, 2010 - 12:53pm PT
HOLD on now!...These past couple threads are entirely uncalled for. Bikini coffee babes, great weather, fantastic climbs, and friendly locals.


This is all BS and everyone knows it!


BTW That Swedish Whiskey shot is a great one. I've been a fan for a few years. Mycket Bra.


Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
Aug 16, 2010 - 12:53pm PT
Funny stuff!

That Nature really gets around...
Mighty Hiker

Vancouver, B.C.
Aug 16, 2010 - 01:19pm PT
Speaking of non-stop erotic cabarets, there used to be one not far from the scene of the climb.

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Aug 16, 2010 - 01:49pm PT
I thought Tucson was Boise!?

Aug 16, 2010 - 01:55pm PT
I thought I sensed a distinct vibe while getting melted off Index yesterday... and our sausage fest carpool didn't even stop by for coffee in Monroe en route...

Pate: SEA averages 20something sunny days per year... In the 47 days I've lived here I'm now on sunny day #45.

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Aug 16, 2010 - 02:05pm PT
Haha! Great trip report!

Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
Aug 16, 2010 - 03:28pm PT
Great post!

Still laughing,
Messages 1 - 20 of total 94 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
Return to Forum List
Our Guidebooks
Check 'em out!
SuperTopo Guidebooks

Try a free sample topo!

SuperTopo Videos

Recent Route Beta