Trip Report
Four Loko Product Review
Tuesday December 7, 2010 11:02pm
Some of you may know that the product known as Four Loko, a highly alcoholic and caffeinated beverage, has recently been banned from being sold in stores by the Food and Drug Administration. This is quite a shame as it was very popular among slow-thinking, illiterate and alcohol-desperate college freshman across the Nation.

I decided to see what all the raving was about and find out why this drink is so "Baller". My Adventure nearly ended right away when I went to the nearest six liqour stores only to find out that Four Loko had been banned "as of 7am yesterday"-said the 'Boozista'. The search continued without much hope, for a week, until I stumbled across the jackpot. Four Lokos fully stocked in every flavor. Unfortunately I cannot give the location because of the illegal activity being permitted therein, but I'll tell you that it's the closest place for buying alcohol to the Mandala.

Finally I had the necessary materials for a thorough review, except for a location to get my stoopid on. Opportunity rang at 9:23am when my friend invited me to go bouldering at Castle Rock State Park in the Santa Cruz mountains. I know it's illegal to have alcohol in the park but apparently the Loko had already started infiltrating my mind. My friends were not informed or prepared for experiment to take place, but luckily they embraced the need for a thorough and un-biased examination of this product. so here goes:

Street Price: $2.39-$2.99
Pros: Comes in a can, cheap
Cons: Tastes ridiculously bad, hangover and other unknown outcomes
Best Uses: getting drunk and having enough energy to get yourself halfway up El Cap unroped
Editors Rating: 1/4 Star
User Rating: Between -7 stars and 4
Recommendations: No
Manufaturer: Phusion Products
---------------------------------

Overview:
This product tastes Extremely bad, like foamy cough syrup, or fermented cat pee, or John Basedow's energy drink. However, it is unique, cheap, and you can see it from 600 yards away or more. So if you don't mind a little uncomfort in the form of involuntary gagging, you can get drunk and buzzed for really cheap!

Photos and Specs:

Blue Raspberry, Uva (grape?), and Cranberry Lemonade Flavors
Blue Raspberry, Uva (grape?), and Cranberry Lemonade Flavors
Credit: squatch

only 1/4 way into the can i take to cave lounging
only 1/4 way into the can i take to cave lounging
Credit: squatch

Loko Knee Bar
Loko Knee Bar
Credit: squatch

Loko Nose
Loko Nose
Credit: squatch

Loko Near-Barf
Loko Near-Barf
Credit: squatch

Loko Slacklining with the free end clipped to my pants
Loko Slacklining with the free end clipped to my pants
Credit: squatch

Stuck in a tree
Stuck in a tree
Credit: squatch




Ok we really did do some climbing though, and that part was fun.





Loko Project at the Slap, V5ish
Loko Project at the Slap, V5ish
Credit: squatch

The Beak, V3ish
The Beak, V3ish
Credit: squatch

The Beak
The Beak
Credit: squatch

Some Cave traverse
Some Cave traverse
Credit: squatch

Cave Exit, V15?
Cave Exit, V15?
Credit: squatch

Traversing Castle Rock
Traversing Castle Rock
Credit: squatch

Apparently i get pretty artsy when I Loko.

Beak Hand
Beak Hand
Credit: squatch

Leaf (duh)
Leaf (duh)
Credit: squatch

Credit: squatch

Credit: squatch

The Bottom Line:
If you really still want to experience Four Loko, well then at least you're informed as to how heinous the taste is and how a dangerous situation is where you may find yourself. But you will probably still have fun after the Taste leaves your mouth, I did.

  Trip Report Views: 6,629
squatch
About the Author
squatch is a boulder climber from santa cruz, CA.

Comments
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Cosmiccragsman

Trad climber
AKA Dwain, from Apple Valley, Ca. and Vegas!
  Dec 7, 2010 - 11:08pm PT
LOLOLOL
"GUD" trip report!!!!
I'll bet it goes good with some good Humbolt bud.
Mittens

climber
  Dec 7, 2010 - 11:10pm PT
4LOCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOO
Captain...or Skully

climber
in the oil patch...Fricken Bakken, that's where
  Dec 8, 2010 - 01:04am PT
Dude....You made me kick over the B. Well, I guess I did that, but YOU helped.
Glorious review, man. Frickin' hilarious, thorough, too. Thanks.
R.B.

Big Wall climber
47N 122W
  Dec 7, 2010 - 11:12pm PT
OMFG - Dude you were friggin slammed, do not pass go, do not collect $200 (instead, you may be paying $200)
kiwi

Trad climber
Bozeman, MT
  Dec 7, 2010 - 11:13pm PT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVWWre8tn_U
I bought it at the corner store-O!
Steve L

climber
  Dec 8, 2010 - 12:15am PT
Brilliant! I recently picked up a can of the purple for a family member's christmas gift. The high desert liquor store where I purchased it was fully stocked with all flavors and completely unaware of the ban. I've bought some sweet Scarface t-shirts there for gifts as well.
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Dec 7, 2010 - 11:53pm PT
you had me at alcoholic caffenated beverage!
Buju

Big Wall climber
the range of light
  Dec 8, 2010 - 12:14am PT
i sent the sh#t out of a related route last saturday!

KRUNK JOOSE!!!

Onsight baby!
ShibbyShane

Trad climber
Sacramento, CA
  Dec 8, 2010 - 12:24am PT
Stuff definitely tastes like fermented piss with some booze thrown in. But hey, one can got myself and a friend both feeling good.
Mittens

climber
  Dec 8, 2010 - 01:09am PT
Someone should compare this to "Jooze" or whatever.
Weld_it

Trad climber
Chatsworth
  Dec 8, 2010 - 02:26am PT
Flippin RAD!!!!!!!11177667
T H

Boulder climber
extraordinaire
  Dec 8, 2010 - 03:07am PT
Someone should compare this to "Jooze" or whatever.
Joose is better. The 9% purple was legit. Thier 12% flavors (watermelon, and raspberry lemonaide) not all that impressive I would say. People are so gullible tho - calling it black-out in a can and all that. Like the OP listing the hangover as a "con". WTF?
Watusi

Social climber
Newport, OR
  Dec 8, 2010 - 05:43am PT
Had the "Four Loko" myself, but although it left my dick in the dirt, I can only imagine how it can pump our youngin's to power through, and make us proud....
M. Volland

Trad climber
Grand Canyon
  Dec 8, 2010 - 07:04pm PT
I don't drink often. But when I do, I drink Four Loko!
avid

Trad climber
Colorado Springs
  Dec 8, 2010 - 09:52pm PT
Great trip report. It's too bad I didn't get this beta sooner, otherwise I wouldn't have tried to send it. Taste is horrific.
Gene

climber
  Dec 8, 2010 - 09:59pm PT
Get on it while you can if you are so inclined. Possible access problems in the near future.
reddirt

climber
PNW
  Dec 8, 2010 - 10:21pm PT
Hilarious!!!

69 items under "four loko" on ebay right now . Easier to find on eBay than CCH aliens.

Stewart Johnson

climber
lake forest
  Dec 8, 2010 - 10:59pm PT
patron and espressso, minis of course.tastes better, better buzz.
phile

Trad climber
SF, CA
  Dec 9, 2010 - 11:16am PT
proud!
M. Volland

Trad climber
Grand Canyon
  Dec 9, 2010 - 12:15pm PT
Here is a recipe for a drink popular among the inner city kids these days. Its called Weird Science:

1) Take 1 40oz of the cheapest malt liquor you can find and drink it half way down.

2) Open one can of Four Loko (substitute one can of Sparks if Four Loko is unavailable in your area) and slowly pour it into the half drank 40oz.

3) Watch with amazement as is fizzles and foams with synthetic color.

4) Drink the concoction down.

5) Skate and beg for spare change plus cigarettes into the wee hours of the morning.
AKTrad

Mountain climber
AK
  Dec 10, 2010 - 08:42pm PT
If I drank four Loko I'd be a disaster! Cool photos!!
Jebus H Bomz

climber
Old West Crackramento
  Dec 10, 2010 - 09:05pm PT
I first discovered Four Loko at the dog park where somebody left a half-full can in the middle of the path. I didn't verify to see if the taste was baller, but you could smell it's strong otter pop/antifreeze stench way downwind. I took a look at the labelling and that's a high alc % in a hefty package! I don't know why that soldier was left behind, but maybe it was the better part of valor for some young college/highschool student.
Iron Mtn.

Trad climber
Riverside, Ca.
  Dec 11, 2010 - 12:41am PT
Amazing review.....I preferred Sparks

jfailing

Trad climber
PDX, North Slope, The Open Road
  Jun 17, 2011 - 06:34pm PT
Another bump for Zach's quite humorous trip report on climbing and a quite unsavory alcoholic beverage...
Silver

Gym climber
  Jun 17, 2011 - 06:40pm PT
Good bump Jfailing

Thats the best TR I have read in awhile and in fact might just track a couple down tonight for a Zach toast.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
  Jun 17, 2011 - 06:40pm PT
So how does it compare with PBR, and Cobra? SNPA?
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
  Jun 18, 2011 - 01:46am PT
Yall got slizzerd then got all lizzard. You act the fool all slakin that line. Fo sho. You not only loco, you crazy. Drinkin that devil juice has got to be bad for your liver, your brain and your left testicle. Be careful out there. Mnut out.
T H

Boulder climber
extraordinaire
  Jun 18, 2011 - 02:10am PT
No, but the point was pure content - that is bigger than 'drunk or sober' perse.
Mittens

climber
  Jun 18, 2011 - 04:23am PT
Elliot and I brought the fourloko that Zach got me and poured it out at the memorial site. We tried a little, and props to our friend for drinking that whole disgusting tall can. We also posted the photo of Zach and us smoking a stogie after climbing Skull Queen. Really missing my friend.
Aya K

Trad climber
Boulder, CO!
  Jun 18, 2011 - 08:34am PT
Colt 45 Blast Raspberry Watermelon is the way to go.
couchmaster

climber
  Jun 18, 2011 - 09:47am PT
If you google "things that you will definatly puke if you consume them", this vile brew has to be on the list near the top.

Great report from Zack here, I'd never seen it so thanks for the bump. Ujahn brought out a can while we were in the valley last month. Disgusting stuff, Zack nailed it. LOL! I saw that they'd arrested the guy who they think killed him yesterday. This kid Zack obviously had the schizz - folks are going to miss him for sure.

Best Uses: getting drunk and having enough energy to get yourself halfway up El Cap unroped
Editors Rating: 1/4 Star
User Rating: Between -7 stars and 4
Recommendations: No

ROTF here!
badcom

Gym climber
Ewing, NJ
  Jun 24, 2011 - 10:04am PT
I beat down a four loko on a recent tubing trip. Watermelon flavored i believe but it might as well been poop flavored. I blame my horrible sunburn on this toilet water flavored elixir but if you want a huge buzz super quick, four loko is the way to go
Melissa

Gym climber
berkeley, ca
  Jun 24, 2011 - 11:22am PT
All-time classic! Long live the memory of Zach!
Josh Nash

Social climber
riverbank ca
  Jun 24, 2011 - 01:07pm PT
patron and espressso, minis of course.tastes better, better buzz.
jeebus! That's one way of getting the job done.

that's the best trip report I have ever read.....
jtarbox

Mountain climber
LA
  Jul 8, 2011 - 05:51pm PT
Credit: jtarbox

This is the best TR I have ever read.

Too bad the new Four Loko doesn't have any of the caffeine or other energy supplements. But don't despair, here is a recipe for making the world right again:

-Go to a vitamin supplement store (GNC or similar) and purchase caffeine pills, guarana pills, and taurine pills.
-Use a coffee grinder to grind a triple dose of each of these supplements into fine powder.
-Pour one tall can of Four Loko into a 24 ounce or larger cup (plastic or glass boot preferred)
-Mix powder into fluid by stirring rapidly
-Makes one serving

This recipe will give you the full pre-ban Four Loko experience, much to your girlfriend or wife's chagrin. Plan on making bad choices and egnaging in behaviors you will regret.
Russ Aulds

Trad climber
Delano, TN
  Jul 2, 2011 - 10:44am PT
GOOD STUFF!!!..........The report not the Four Loco!!
Uli

Trad climber
SFC
  Jul 2, 2011 - 01:05pm PT
Nice!!
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