Trip Report
A Merican Dream 5.10c --New Route On Manure Pile Buttress--
Thursday July 3, 2014 10:56pm
I love my country. Lets jus git that out in the open. I love erythang 'bout it. I love the constitution, baseball, apple pie, NASCAR and democracy. I love monster trucks, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard. I love the way my gun sounds when I pull the trigger and I love the way our flag looks when hoisted high over anything. So when 4th of July comes and I git a chance to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our forefather's labor, I git all riled up and excited inside and just wanna blow stuff up and eat BBQ.

But it ain't 4th of July yet. Not fer another 24 hours. Its the 3rd, the stepchild of July. It don't even get a cool name like Christmas Eve does. It's just another day.....for most folks that is.

Credit: micronut

This morning (4th of July Eve Day), I picked my trusty ol climbin' parner, Skeeter, up good and early and we were in Yose-mite by 5:30am. We were gonna do our country proud by puttin up a new line I'd been scopin out for a few years over near The Nutcracker. Now Skeeter is always game fer some playtime in the mountains, and he told me as long as he makes it back to work at the Asbestos Disposal Plant by late morning he was good to go. He's on probation at the plant for an "alleged" incident in the breakroom involving a Go-Pro, a jar of Fun-Fetti cake frosting and the owner's wife, so he had to make good and get back to his shift on time or else. What with that and the massive online debt he'd run up on Fantasy Fishing.com over the past 324 months, he'd been feelin purdy down and out and in the dumps lately. I knew some fresh air and a first ascent was just what he needed.

Credit: micronut

So the break of dawn see us rackin up in The Manure Pile Buttress parking lot and we are in full blown FA mode faster than Miranda Lambert can drop a new #1 hit.
Credit: micronut
"Micro you better bring extra rounds, we're headin into unknow terrtory up there and you never know if we might encounter some..........resistence if you know what I mean." Says Skeeter glancing over his shoulder towards Curry Village.

"Yeah Skeeter, this place is crawlin with Park Rangers....Feds....ever last one of em. And you know who Feds report to doncha? Obama. Yup. That sorry 'scuse fer a leader who's single handedly ruinin' this country." I say.

Skeeter finishes racking and says "Did you know that according to Fact Check.org, health care spending has increased 15.8 percent under Obama, which is faster than inflation? And that the federal debt owed to the public has nearly doubled since Obama was sworn in, increasing by 95 percent."

I can only nod my head in disgust and reply "Did you know Dale Jr. once drove 300 miles backwards while watching A Chuck Norris movie on his i-pod?"

Ok. Nuff politikin....we got a country to turn around I got just the solution. We're gonna fan the flame national pride by nabbin a first ascent of this mighty fine line I stumbled upon while metal detectin' near the base last summer.

"Check it out skeeter.....it follows that white line all the way up to the summit, and it's all ours."
Credit: micronut


"Hooweee! Lets git er dun then Micro! Show me the way!"

We buswhack our way to the base and after Skeeter drops trou three times (combination of nerves and two KFC Cheezy Meaty Breakfast Burritos with a 72 oz Mtn Dew for breakfast in Oakhurst) we are ready to forge into the great unknown.

Credit: micronut

Skeeter jumps on the sharp and starts blowin up the virgin corner like a tornado through a trailer park.

We find the first hunderd feet to be reel slick and kinda tricky, but it goes at .10b we agree.
Credit: micronut

I grab the reigns and bust left above the belay, runnin it out like a rodeo clown from a Brahma, Skeeter says it looks like "third class right there yer on" and I tell him to "How bout you shut up!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. A guy and gal over on Nutcracker seem to be annoyed but there just gonna have to deal. That's just how FA action goes.


[Sidenote about that young couple we saw in the parking lot headed off to do Nutcracker. I think they were foreigners. Yup. Right here in our National park. See what Obama's doin there? Lettin any ol everybody in these days. I think they're French. Skeeter thinks they're from Iran....or Berkeley.....and I'm just sayin....suspicious is all. I'm gonna keep my eye on em today to make sure they ain't pullin no funny business up there.]

Here's a shot of Skeeter at the first belay. Lovin the freedum of the hills. While it lasts.
Credit: micronut

At the top of my pitch I have to wrassle a big old manzanita bush to within an inch of my life but I emerge victorious and unscathed. Skeeter is less fortunate.

Credit: micronut
He gets tore up on his bicep while fightin' the beast and immediately starts bleedin like a stuck pig. He also gits all scratched up in the nether parts. He says his crotch will never be the same but that it kinda feels nice. "Kinda took the itch out of the area that I been dealin with for the past few months."

"See Skeeter" I say, tryin to look at the bright side, "I told you....climbin' cures everything."
"We nab this FA and hoist Ol Glory on the summit and your problems at work and on line are all just gonna fade into oblivion. And tomorrow we'll eat tater salad and blow some stuff up. Its all startin' to turn around. I can feel it"

"And look....just look at you....bleedin' fer yer country. I'm proud o you boy. Proud."
Credit: micronut

"Now cowboy up and climb somethin Son!"
Credit: micronut


Well, the line wanders a bit over some ledgy stuff here and there, but has some great parts, including this .10a facey bit on the left side of a wide crack.
Credit: micronut


I sit at the belay and watch the fireworks.
Credit: micronut


Ride em' cowboy! Heeeee Aw!
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut



Three pitches down and I'm rarin' to to push higher so I grab the stick and bear down on this pony!
Credit: micronut

I blow through some sick 5.4 crack a doodle do and belay off a big ol tree. The stance allows me to whip out the polaroid and get a few nice shots of Skeeter flyin the colors.
Credit: micronut
Credit: micronut

"You know Skeeter" I holler down while he climbs. "Americans are pretty much the best at everything, especially climbin'."

"First ascent of El Cap?" I ask down.
"Mericans." he replies.
"And who invented Bouldering?"
"I'd say a Merican."
Credit: micronut

"And you'd be right. First ascent of Everest?" I quiz.
"Mericans"
"Yup, How bout first NIAD?" I probe.
"Mericans."
"And fastest time on the Nose till recently?"
"Florine and Hiriyama....both Mericans! "


We keep this up till he reaches the belay and and by the time he clips in we're in a frenzy of patriotism.



Skeeter spends a few minutes tryin to trundle a boulder bigger than Texas,
Credit: micronut
but "Thant thing aint gonna budge, prolly been there for months!"

After two more pitches of cracks and terrain prettier than Shania Twain in church clothes I pull the final lip, the entire route spilling below me in a dizzying unbroken swath of pure stone, and reach the summit.
Credit: micronut

Success is ours. And it tastes of freedom. Our forefathers would be proud. We have pushed into deep water from the comfort of the shore and have found the promised land. We stand on top, soaking in the beauty of the achievement. We stand victorious on this untrodden peak and celebrate the achievement in a manner befitting kings.

Credit: micronut

Skeeter begs me to take a selfie of him and I oblige....though I'm purdy sure that's not how a selfie works.
Credit: micronut

First Ascents are always special. And for a moment we just stare out across the great valley and enjoy the company of eachother in this special place, this special mountain, our mountain, on this special day. 4th of July Eve Day 2014.
Credit: micronut

Our moment of purity is broken by voices from below. Its the foreigners......and they're approachin' fast.
Credit: micronut


We pack up quick and take a few minutes building some trail ducks/cairns heading the wrong way, northeast over sketchy terrain to a cliff out.

"That'll teach em to poach on our National lands" I say.

"Yup." Echoes Skeeter. "At least we got the FA today and they had to settle for a trade route."

"They were probably Communists," I snarl.
"Or Democrats." Skeeter spats.

"Member when you got me that "WHY GET A JOB WHEN YOU CAN VOTE DEMOCRAT" sticker for my truck? That was so thoughtful man....I just wanna say yer the best climbin pardner a feller could ever climb with. No matter what happens to this country in the coming years, I'm forever yer Huckleberry. Yer always stoked, you don't need much sleep, you take all the hard pitches and you never back down."

"Yup Micro. Guess that makes you an me two peas in a pod. Now how bout we go git a six pak fer the drive home, I gotta be back at work in two hours or there'll be hell to pay."
Credit: micronut

"Lead the way old friend" I reply....."Lead the way."






Postscript: The party below us actually turned out to be a nice couple from....wait for it....Canada. You shoulda seen his face when he pulled over the top of Nutcracker for the first time and saw Adam sittin there with his "NO FOREIGNERS" wife-beater. He was a nice guy but I think he thought we were idiots. And I don't think he really understood our 4th of July excitement. The drive home from these early am Valley Before Work missions is always hard. But a quick dip in the pool back at my place woke up the senses and got Adam ready for his shift at the hospital while I headed off to find fireworks for the Independence day festivities. Happy 4th of July Supertopo. May your freedom never be taken for granted and your rights be always inalienable.

Credit: micronut
And lets be honest. We all know Americans invented the Cannonball. Here's livin' proof.





Micronut. Out.








  Trip Report Views: 1,916
micronut
About the Author
micronut is a trad climber from fresno, ca.

Comments
Did you like this Trip Report? Got something to say? Don't hold back...
Comment on this Trip Report
scrubbing bubbles

Social climber
Uranus
  Jul 3, 2014 - 11:03pm PT
finally somebody had the balls to finally say it!

America ROCKS foreigners SUCK
Vitaliy M.

Mountain climber
San Francisco
  Jul 3, 2014 - 11:13pm PT
You boys might get a bit upset, but hate to break it down like it iz in my thick Russian accent.

Dat 5.10see slippery korner waz klimbed by mee and my friend Vasiliy back in 2011. No helmets. We rated it 5.10bee plus. Since we were out on an adventure, we didn't spray on ze internet, kuz dats not what brosef stalin taught us real men. Maybe you get first ascent next time boys.

micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 3, 2014 - 11:22pm PT
#LETMESEEYERPAPERSBRO

Yer suspect Vitaliy, suspect.
Alexey

climber
San Jose, CA
  Jul 3, 2014 - 11:52pm PT
on July4, British should be expel from Yosemite
matty

Trad climber
under the sea
  Jul 3, 2014 - 11:45pm PT
Bruuuuuu hahahahaha love it and all your goofy TR's. Shoulda busted out the fake teeth again though.
Jon Beck

Trad climber
Oceanside
  Jul 4, 2014 - 12:02am PT
Micronut never disappoints.

Good thing a certain duck didn't catch wind of that display of patriotism.
The Larry

climber
Moab, UT
  Jul 4, 2014 - 12:05am PT
Gud stuff
ms55401

Trad climber
minneapolis, mn
  Jul 4, 2014 - 12:26am PT
Awesome stuff. I don't often get "patriotic", but when I do, it's because of shtt like this. Or the World Cup loss to Belgium. Or the 30th anniversary of Van Halen's "1984".
W.L.

climber
Edge of the Electric Ocean Beneath Red Rock
  Jul 4, 2014 - 12:55am PT
Most lulzy TR I've read I reckon, my felow freedom lovin Patriots ,,,, jokes about gubbermint, obummer and payin respect to these united states of merica and the inferiority of foreigners,,,, all that is GUD in the world. Why tonight my girlfriend and I were at our local super Walmart and she wouldn't let me buy a true patriot shirt displayin old glory, america, and an eagle with a flag as its color. I'm startin to suspect she ain't murican would ya believe!



DEY TUK OUR JOBS!
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 01:34am PT
Radness inside an enigma inside a stud spandexed banner.
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
  Jul 4, 2014 - 01:35am PT
Ha ha ha! Too funny!
T Hocking

Trad climber
Redding, Ca
  Jul 4, 2014 - 01:48am PT
Nice TR Nut,
now go brush yer toof. :)
perswig

climber
  Jul 4, 2014 - 04:18am PT
Quality!


Let's hope some dumfuk doesn't co-opt your summit poses and make you poster-child for Xenophobic Climbers of The Only Part of North America That Matters.

Sigh.
Dale


(edit: this seems fitting - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dXttb52kx8);
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
  Jul 4, 2014 - 03:48am PT
Shoulda named it Butt Crack.

All I kin say is "Boy, howdy that!"

I also gotta say we still let Big Mike in. He's crazy as y'all 'n' sh!t.

[I hear Fritz is talkin' British Columbian Empire. Just so's ya know. He might could be suspect. Fifth column, nawmean?]
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Jul 4, 2014 - 04:48am PT
Mercia F yeah!!!

You drivin a Toyota Boy??????

Good fun!!!
Dave Kos

Social climber
Temecula
  Jul 4, 2014 - 07:33am PT
I love the way my gun sounds when I pull the trigger

You should try loading it also when you do that it sounds even way cooler
whitemeat

Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo, CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 08:02am PT
LOVE IT!! That was great micro! When will the topo be out so we can all go try it out? :)


Top 5 TRs for me...!

TFPU
limpingcrab

Trad climber
the middle of CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 09:13am PT
Wonderful way to start my 4th of July!

Where did yours and skeeter's mullets go?

Credit: limpingcrab
looks easy from here

climber
Ben Lomond, CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 09:24am PT
Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh buddy!

Where'd you get that USA windbreaker in the second pic? I'd rock the hell out of one of those.
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 4, 2014 - 09:59am PT
W.L. Yer "girlfriend" sounds suspect. You need to root around the trailer when she's out buyin beer and make sure she's got papers.
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 4, 2014 - 10:01am PT
Looks Easy From Here,

No lie, I have four different pair, including matching pants. I swam for the US team in the mid 1990s. Wearing them on the world stage was a highlight of my life back then. Now they are pretty much just rad costumes.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
  Jul 4, 2014 - 10:02am PT
Yer nuts fur sure
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 4, 2014 - 10:03am PT
Ezra, you tellin' me my Toyota FJ aint Merican? I bought it in Fresno, how could it be foreign made? I'm confused.
looks easy from here

climber
Ben Lomond, CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 10:07am PT
My initial thought was that it looked like national team gear, but I didn't expect that was actually the case. That's awesome!
HighTraverse

Trad climber
Bay Area
  Jul 4, 2014 - 10:52am PT
The Spray Meister spews again! (whoops.....Meister ain't a Mer'can werd)
Climbin' on Scheiss Pile Butt on July 3. Pure Masochism.
Yer WEIRD

I presume you're behaving yourselves today with a case of Bud, a grill of hot dogs and a barrel of good ole 'Merican Pie! Humble Pie won't do.
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Jul 4, 2014 - 11:22am PT
Micro, dats ok u gots a ferin car,
At lest it wadnt bilt wit er cumminist gubment bail out monies !!!
dee ee

Mountain climber
citizen of planet Earth
  Jul 4, 2014 - 01:18pm PT
I'm feelin' awfully good about the US of A right now and


it's your fault!
mucci

Trad climber
The pitch of Bagalaar above you
  Jul 4, 2014 - 01:39pm PT
Amorica fuk yeah!

Ian Jewell

climber
  Jul 4, 2014 - 03:27pm PT
Shania Twain is Canadian .
mooser

Trad climber
seattle
  Jul 4, 2014 - 03:48pm PT
Classic.
phylp

Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
  Jul 4, 2014 - 05:14pm PT
This is wonderful beyond my ability to express it in words.
eKat

Trad climber
  Jul 4, 2014 - 05:17pm PT
^ ^ ^ ^ +1,000,000
RP3

Big Wall climber
Twain Harte
  Jul 4, 2014 - 07:18pm PT
Y'all are true patriots...
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Guelph, Ontario, Canada
  Jul 4, 2014 - 09:23pm PT
Brilliant :)
FortMentäl

Social climber
Albuquerque, NM
  Jul 4, 2014 - 11:04pm PT
Shania Twain's a commie?
RyanD

climber
Squamish
  Jul 4, 2014 - 11:32pm PT
Lol great job comrades!!
roy

Social climber
NZ -> SB,CA -> Zurich
  Jul 5, 2014 - 01:58am PT
Even us fureners can appreciate this one. Good job boys, Roy.
crankster

Trad climber
  Jul 5, 2014 - 07:12am PT
Hilarious.
couchmaster

climber
  Jul 5, 2014 - 08:30am PT

Got any moar? Gud stuf man! gud sutf.

Osprey

climber
  Jul 5, 2014 - 08:41am PT
Red this on my naybors devise warring nuthin but my rubber boots this morning. You brothers are stoopid cool. That line sher is a beaut.
Flip Flop

Trad climber
Truckee, CA
  Jul 5, 2014 - 09:24am PT
Let's invade Canadia. The Americas don't need no royalty, no kings, no BP and no RBC, Lloyd's, HSBC, Barklays, Standard or any other colonial banks. And no Ginger Kings.
The Declaration of Independence is specifically a letter to the king saying that the world is done with royalty and divine providence. All 'mericans are created equal. Off with their pasty ginger heads!
PAUL SOUZA

Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
  Jul 5, 2014 - 02:57pm PT
Awesome!

I was hoping to see one of you carrying that toy gun on route....LOL
le_bruce

climber
Oakland, CA
  Jul 5, 2014 - 03:29pm PT
You two are both Great Americans.

Salathé?! Don't think so. We don't deal in accented vowels in this land.

Chouinard?! More like Choui-GTFO with that name. Three vowels in a row is a non-starter here. And never Yvon, not on our watch.

The Nut Brothers - now you are talking about a Great American Name, Micro- and Macro-, whose time has come to enter the Yosemite Hall of Fame, displacing forever the foreign names mentioned above.

You both inherit partial FA status for lines like the Steck-Sal (Steck-Nut forever after), the Salathé Wall (The Nut Wall), etc.
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 5, 2014 - 05:17pm PT
Le_Bruce,

No TR is complete until you reply my friend. I have held my breath (literally a new personal record for me) for the past 46 hours waiting for your comment. Fear not my friend, you too shall be a subject in one of these reports, we merely need to sync or life schedules and make it happen. See you in the high places mi amigo. Thanks for chiming in.


Micro
Sierra Ledge Rat

Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
  Jul 5, 2014 - 05:23pm PT
you guys are nuts

in a good way
donini

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
  Jul 5, 2014 - 05:34pm PT
Getting it done and having fun....great way to celebrate the 4th!
moacman

Trad climber
Montuckyian Via Canada Eh!
  Jul 5, 2014 - 05:49pm PT
Good one lads..Thanx for sharing.....

Stevo
guido

Trad climber
Santa Cruz/New Zealand/South Pacific
  Jul 5, 2014 - 06:40pm PT
You boys packing a small tank of Nitrous Oxide by any chance?
murcy

Gym climber
sanfrancisco
  Jul 8, 2014 - 06:23pm PT
This whole thread is absurd. That route you climbed one of the most-climbed routes in the world. FA? Are you kidding?! Laughable! And you looked ridiculous! Sorry for the wake-up call, but it time someone showed their intelligence on here.

Edit: bubbles, you're right---irony can be pretty hard to spot sometimes!
micronut

Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
Author's Reply  Jul 6, 2014 - 12:02am PT
Murcy are you kidding me? We found a new line on a great formation and all you have to share is negativity? Sounds like jealousy to me brah. Let me guess.....

You vote Democrat,
You drive a Subaru,
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore,
You think the housing market crashed because of predatory lending,
You think personal injury lawyers are "looking out for the little guy,"
You think 12 quickdraws are a "rack".

We got up early, put some elbow grease into a rad first ascent of an unclimbed gem and tagged the summit before you woke up to go work in your cubicle at the ACLU office and you're just steamin cause you didn't get to go climbin.

"That route you climbed is one of the most climbed routes in the world."
What part of this picture looks like it gets climbed man? Pfftt.

Credit: micronut

You been drinkin too much Heinekin dude.
scrubbing bubbles

Social climber
Uranus
  Jul 5, 2014 - 11:26pm PT
guess murcy needs to calibrate his Irony Meter?
BrassNuts

Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
  Jul 6, 2014 - 02:57am PT
Merika, EFF yeah!
Will_P

Trad climber
Melbourne, Victoria
  Jul 7, 2014 - 10:14pm PT
Micronut delivers the goods once again - and in a never-before-seen first (I'm not talking about the climb) an American pokes fun at patriotism and nationalism on the 4th of July. I swear you & Macronut have the most fun climbing of any TRs on here - always helps me keep the psych high reading about it - so thanks for sharing it with us.

And Vitaly? Great response!
moosedrool

climber
lost, far away from Poland
  Jul 8, 2014 - 08:19am PT
What a proud new line on MPB, Micronut and Skeeter!

Go 'Merika!

Moose
Blakey

Trad climber
Sierra Vista
  Jul 8, 2014 - 09:05am PT
Clearly a fabulous, full value FA day!

You studs ROCK! Pay no heed to yer detractors, they wudn't know a new route if it squatted on their Camalot.

But hey, some icing on the 4th July Cake - did you know that:

A 'Merkin' - Is a pudenda wig......... (Sheeet YES!)

A 'T W A T' - Is either a global Merkin military adventure....... or a vulgar epithet?

Stay safe doods, and post up agin soon.

Steve



Ed H

Trad climber
Santa Rosa, CA
  Jul 8, 2014 - 09:26am PT
And look....just look at you....bleedin' fer yer country. I'm proud o you boy. Proud.
Burnin' Oil

Trad climber
CA
  Jul 8, 2014 - 10:05am PT
Awesome route. 100% free? In one go? Proud. Now it's a race for the second FA.

I thought the route the 'nuts put up near the arches was a once in a lifetime achievement, but I was wrong.

I suppose those unclimbable dihedrals to the west of Yosemite Falls will be next. Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen.
PAUL SOUZA

Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
  Jul 8, 2014 - 10:15am PT
I suppose those unclimbable dihedrals to the west of Yosemite Falls will be next. Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen.


5 FA's IAD??

LOL
Did you like this Trip Report? Got something to say? Don't hold back...
Comment on this Trip Report
Go