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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Original Post - Feb 13, 2009 - 03:20pm PT
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MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun,come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
(Funny thing is... One of my gay friends sent this to me!)
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Feb 13, 2009 - 03:27pm PT
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I think that post falls into the category of "I can talk bad about my family, but no one else can...."
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, Ca.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 03:54pm PT
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Now that's pretty damn funny!
"If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too."
Bwahaaahhaa
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:07pm PT
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" (Funny thing is... One of my gay friends sent this to me!) "
Gay guys are better at making fun of themselves than anyone. I went to an AIDs fund raiser here a while back which was one of the funniest shows I have ever seen.
The test:
1. Way over 40. Give me one more month of Pilates and I'm there.
2. No cats.
3. No sucking things.
4. The world is my...
5. Triple grande non-fat latte?
6. busted
7. guilty again
It's nice to finally have clarity on this issue. Just don't tell my wife...
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:09pm PT
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Damn. I always thought I was straight, but it looks like I've just been fooling myself. Seven out of seven! How am I going to break this to my wife?
"Not tonight, honey. I've got to color coordinate my tights with the new tank top if I'm going to have any chance of sending the lavender route at the gym tomorrow."
Or "How do you expect me to lead this with taupe draws? Find someone else to climb with, cuz I'm going to go home and play with the cat."
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Mtnmun
Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:09pm PT
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I'm sitting in the gayest coffee shop in Palm Springs right now. The boys here would be totally in agreement.
I know how you women feel now, being straight and being trolled by the fellas. Bwahhaahahaa
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divad
Trad climber
wmass
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:25pm PT
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Hey, thanks for that. I'm startin' to feel better about myself.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:32pm PT
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I once scored 33% gay on a Gay-O-Meter. Can't find the link now. I was pretty bummed.
Heh heh ... I said "bummed".
Laughed my ass off at your post, Anastasia.
Heh heh .... I said "ass"
Dr. Piton Rule #1: No poofdahs
Dr. Piton Rule #2: I don't wanna catch anyone not drinking.
Dr. Piton Rule #3: Lesbianism is not only tolerated but encouraged
Dr. Piton Rule #4: No climbing before noon
Dr. Piton Rule #5: No coffee after Changeover Time
Dr. Piton Rule #6: The is NO rule 6.
Dr. Piton Rule #7: No poofdahs.
etc etc
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Jaybro
Social climber
wuz real!
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:18pm PT
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I only feed non fat soy latte to my cat.
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F10
Trad climber
e350
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:23pm PT
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Guess I will have to give up my green tea
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SammyLee2
Trad climber
Memphis, TN
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:51pm PT
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A OK, on all but number 6. I grew up in a southern mill town. I know thread counts, material and what a fabric "hand" means. My mother was a cloth inspector. As a child, we'd go to Sybil's fabric shop and I actually enjoyed it. I'd run my hands over bolt after bolt, even smelling the fabric.
I know what a "Super 120" suit means. I like my suit pants to feel like high end pajamas. Women in my office tell me often, "Sam, you're such a sharp dresser!" I buy most of my wife's dress clothes. I can pick out a nice outfit for her in one tenth the time it takes her.
As far as being gay is concerned, not a problem for someone else. You do what you want to do. As for me, I always say, "Come on over here and try to fuc& me, and see how that works out for you."
Edit to add, my line works for both men and women.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, Ca.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:59pm PT
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As for me, I always say, "Come on over here and try to fuc& me, and see how that works out for you."
I almost shot Pepsi out my nostrils....I gotta remember that one!
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scuffy b
climber
just below the San Andreas
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Feb 13, 2009 - 07:11pm PT
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sounds like a good icebreaker
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Reilly
Mountain climber
Monrovia, CA
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Feb 13, 2009 - 07:18pm PT
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1. Safe as houses, I can just see the ends of my feet.
2. Cats are for trolling for 'gators...
3. I eat my crab legs whole like a real man.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom ...
You been in a public crapatorium lately? Besides, they ain't got shite to read.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
Wait a minute! The chocolate and foam in my mocha are to prevent washboard abs. Make up your mind!
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard,...
I'm safe as long as creme brulee is in the custard family, right?
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle...
When people who know me see me put both hands on the wheel they usually say something like, "Oh gawd preserve me!" Besides, it just isn't safe to drift an F150 with only one hand.
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quartziteflight
climber
Who knows?
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Feb 13, 2009 - 08:19pm PT
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I pass what do I win?
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rich sims
Trad climber
co
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Feb 13, 2009 - 11:03pm PT
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#3 Had to be written by a gay dude
even a lesbian would not have missed the three most important objects to suck on.
T&A
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 11:12pm PT
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1. Over 40, no washboard. Ixnay.
2. Cohabitate with and dominated by ferocious miniature tiger. Check.
3. Ixnay.
4. What about airport bathrooms frequented by Republican legislators?
5. Ixnay. Though I had a mucky foofarino once, or whatever they call the things - someone else (female) bought it.
6. Having a background in history, the sciences, and writing should allow me to be excused from knowing more than six colour names. Ice cream is a dessert. Anything with chocolate in it is a dessert. Steak is a dessert. Custard is for poufters.
7. My car has a he-man standard transmission.
And where do men fit in who watch the food channel, the home renovations channel, and who know the names of all types of pasta, and which is which? (No TV here.)
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10b4me
Ice climber
the sads
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Feb 14, 2009 - 01:25am PT
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Anastasia,
this is funnier than hell.
I was laughing so hard, I almost woke up the cat.....the one that belongs to the next door neighbor.
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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2009 - 01:29am PT
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Happy Valentines Day to all you fantastic "men!"
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dmalloy
Trad climber
eastside
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Feb 14, 2009 - 01:39am PT
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yikes, I'm 4.5 out of 6 in the Queer column (under 40, so despite the recent return of visible ab muscles, I get a pass) - only missing the lollipop and 2 hands on the wheel comes and goes....don't tell my wife either
that would be my wife, who spent 3 weeks splitting all of our wood with maul, wedge and ax, when I offered to rent a power splitter and do it all in one day....I guess we know who wears the pants in this family.
So many pants....
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Feb 14, 2009 - 01:51am PT
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Damn funny! Hey Anders, I know all the pastas, but you can still come over here and see who does what to who's ass.
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Feb 14, 2009 - 03:23am PT
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Cool. I think I score 3.5 points (many half points). Not sure how to score #5, because I don't drink coffee.
Of course, this is more like a "brute fashion test", of conformity to stereotypes like we see in beer ads on TV.
There's a thread on a runner's forum where they have been discussing "epic confrontations", where people are out on training runs and get taunted for "gay shorts" or just called gay I guess because they are out running instead of driving a pickup truck? Conformity has its drawbacks....
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andanother
climber
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Feb 14, 2009 - 08:05pm PT
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#1. Not 40 yet, so I can't answer. But if I live that long, there's a good chance I'll fail this test. So, I guess I'm on my way to being queer. Damn metabolism. Also, I think this one should be expanded to any "man" that has a membership to a health club.
#2. Fail. I'm queer.
#3. Are you f*#king kidding me? Baby pacifiers? Ring pops? WTF? If you're sucking on one of those things as an adult, then being gay is the least of your concerns.
#4. Pass. I'm straight. Though in light of recent Republican rendezvous, this one should be modified.
#5. Pass. Latte's make me gassy. Not that I'd know or anything.
#6. Pass. Sort of. Any climber/mountaineer will be able to name textiles other than cotton or denim, so that one needs to be altered to accomodate for REAL men. Not those faggy man-kissing cowboys.
#7. I prefer a (ahem) "Stick" shift, if you catch my drift. Can't man-handle that stick without taking one hand off the wheel. Pass.
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andanother
climber
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Feb 14, 2009 - 08:14pm PT
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And what's gayer:
Owning a cat, or owning a chihuahua?
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dmalloy
Trad climber
eastside
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Feb 14, 2009 - 08:34pm PT
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" So, I guess I'm on my way to being queer. Damn metabolism."
Don't worry - by the time you are 40, that metabolism will change....
Having a chihuahua is definitely more gay than having a cat - unless the cat is a Siamese or a Persian, in which case the only dog that is more gay is a toy poodle with fur died an unnatural color.
See - SuperTaco has all the answers....
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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2009 - 08:57pm PT
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I can't judge since I am very prejudice against chihuahua. I was regularly bitten by one until at the age of seven I had enough and made a field goal with it. The owner really hated me for it but since the dog had been drawing blood... Well, I had the right to kick it.
AF
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pc
climber
East of Seattle
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Feb 15, 2009 - 12:23am PT
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What about the over compensation crowd. You know, the "guys" who have their pitbullbearwolf dogs hangin' out the back of their monster4x4pickupabunchobeer truck. Pfft. Tinkerbells. ;)
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Feb 15, 2009 - 12:30am PT
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It sounds like we may soon expect a "101 uses for a dead chihuahua" thread.
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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Feb 15, 2009 - 12:33am PT
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I can assure you; 230 grains is 230 grains.
It'll still come atcha pretty straight. LOL
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Rudder
Trad climber
Santa Rosa, CA
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Feb 15, 2009 - 02:39am PT
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Anastasia wrote: ""If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. ... (Funny thing is... One of my gay friends sent this to me!)""
Hi Anastasia, yes, my gay friend has told me the same thing!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Feb 15, 2009 - 03:15am PT
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Annie's on a rip on V-day. . .who forgot you?
That bum, dump him Annie!!!!
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rick d
climber
tucson, az
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Feb 15, 2009 - 12:14pm PT
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ultimate man test question:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2009 - 01:32pm PT
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C) A man would take it apart...
------------
Thanks people! I had a great V-day. I am treated very well over here and with all this Happy Valentines from all of you... I am happy and feeling blessed.
Thanks for being such great friends,
Anastasia
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Thorgon
Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
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Feb 15, 2009 - 10:36pm PT
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Anastasia~
"3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag."
Now I'm worried about my Cohiba Cigars?? Help please!!
Thor
P.S. I passed the rest of the test, what is fuchsia, anyway??
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Curt
Boulder climber
Gilbert, AZ
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Feb 15, 2009 - 10:43pm PT
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Too bad I'm married, I think I love you.
Curt
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pip the dog
Mountain climber
the outer bitterroots
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Feb 16, 2009 - 01:56pm PT
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not sure how to score this test (and i _need_ to know)
me, i'm:
Y on #1
N on #2
N on #3
Y on #4 (hell, i've taken a dump into a paper bag on a too small ledge with 2 "guy buddies" leaning on me)
N on #5
Y on #6 (recently painted my sweethearts bedroom "sunset turquoise" -- choice #34 of 70 paint samples)
N on #7
so what is it? am i gay? should i dump my current hottie sweetie of the opposing gender -- and stick my tongue in the ear of my long time climbing buddy the next time we're in yet another clastrophobic snow cave?
from what i've been told, i'd be the last to know.
yet "I's gottsta knows" (from the first 'Dirty Harry' film, as said by the guy staring at Harry's '44 the first time)
^,,^
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tolman_paul
Trad climber
Anchorage, AK
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Feb 16, 2009 - 02:55pm PT
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Pretty funny, I think I've seen this one before.
1. I'm fast approaching 40 and haven't had a washboard stomach for over 20 years.
2. My kids have cats, does that count? When I was reading the taco this morning both the dog and cat were pestering me for attention. What do you call it when the cat jumps on your lap and you are petting both of them at the same time? I definately have a penchant for pussy.
3. I love ribs. I also have a great respect for my Yupic brothers, any culture that has a word such as pukuk, which translates as eating meat clinging to a bone is a great people.
4. I've never had an issue as to where I go, you gotta go, you gotta go.
5. I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and black ;)
6. I do have a sweet tooth and like good food, so guess that means I get some gay points for bananas foster, tiramisu, soufle, flan et al.
7. I'm more likely to have no hands on the wheel than two, thats what knees are for.
8. I started learning french, so maybe I am turning gay.
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bluNgoldhornet6
Big Wall climber
Tampa, Fl
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Feb 17, 2009 - 03:53pm PT
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lol "dying to tune a meat whistle.", "handing out free ass passes" too funny!!!!
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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I used to have a cat named Killer.
I miss me my kitty.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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5. I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and black ;)
Well now.
I like my women like I like my coffee...
Cold and bitter.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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1. All man
2. Cats go into bags for bridge-chucking
3. King Crab, not that crappy Snow Crap they sell at Red Lobster
4. " he defecates and urinates where he pleases" - And it pleases me not
to do so in filthy locales with the Great Unwashed.
5. Espresso and Mocha - I guess I've 'tendencies"
6. Colors are for parading and I was going to plead the court's mercy on
the dessert front but then I totted up ice cream, flan, creme brulee,
and apple tarte; phew, close one!
7. Well, it all depends on what you're driving now, doesn't it?
Aircraft - one 'and on the 'stick' (disregard the innuendo) and one on the throttle.
Cars - again, what you drivin' and with whom? If your last name's Moss
and Great Uncle Stirling taught you in a '63 Gull-wing then you bloody
well use two or you're walking home you wanker!
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mark miller
Social climber
Reno
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I got 2 rescue Aussies and a yellow Lab, and a rescued cat I gave to my wife. I hope that doesn't count.
People who know me will attest to beer for breakfast, lunch and dinner,( it's whats for dessert).
What about Gortex? Is that a fabric? I"m getting scared, hold me Billy, just don't tip my beer you SOB, I'm trying to drive here.........
Classic thread thanks A.
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rick d
climber
ol pueblo, az
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my favorite man test question:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
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apogee
climber
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1. Not washboard, but my genetics make my belly admirably flat. Not even a steady diet of IPA's has changed this.
2. No cats, but cats are cool. Currently, two dogs- one named Dante- can't divulge the other- it's a secret.
3. Tits with BBQ sauce sound tasty.
4. No problem with #2 in a public restroom, but tend to 'hover'. You never know, ya know?
5. Muddy is how I like it, with 1/2 & 1/2. Oh my, I think I just failed.
6. I like blue. Or purple. Burnt Sienna is pretty nice, too.
7. My wife is very afraid to drive with me, in spite of my exceptional knee-driving skill.
Results: METROSEXUAL
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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Perhaps you haven't met my Chihuahua
Or my fiance
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TwistedCrank
climber
Ideeho-dee-do-dah-day boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom
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I have a cat. He can kick your ass.
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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I've met both your Chihuahua and your gal.
some (not me) suspected your fiance was rose.
jus' sayin'
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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For sure BrassNuts would take the device apart. Even before seeing the response categories, I knew this would be his approach.
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Barbarian
Trad climber
The great white north, eh?
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I don't have to answer no stinkin' questions - Anastasia knows I'm straight!
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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Caylor wrote #3, what if your rollin' yer' balls off?
Caylor
and beat me to the punch.
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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LOL!
ultimate man test question:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 5, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
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Wow, I posted this up almost three years ago. How funny! Yes Barbarian, I can vouch for you manliness. :)
AFS
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tolman_paul
Trad climber
Anchorage, AK
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Gotta wonder what the thread bumper was searching for when he brought the the thread back ;)
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jogill
climber
Colorado
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In The Pursuit of Manly sports . . .
On the large medieval mural next to the entrance of the old Bartlett Gymnasium at the University of Chicago back in the late 1950s. Boosted my spirits as I passed it on the way to gymnastics!
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Leggs
Sport climber
El Presidio, Tucson
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Aug 10, 2011 - 02:27am PT
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"Nature" wrote: I've met both your Chihuahua and your gal.
some (not me) suspected your fiance was rose.
jus' sayin'
Bitter much, Doug?
~Namaste (try it)
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