Discussion Topic |
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Messages 1 - 104 of total 104 in this topic |
Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 19, 2008 - 11:31pm PT
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so it was one of those days where i only ate like 1 fuel bar and a piece of fruit, i only drank about a cup of water, then i cragged all day in the sun, hauling my asse up steep approaches and the like. come about 3pm i return to the valley river where i stashed my beers. i put down about 3 while submerged up to my neck. then i walk to the bar to socialize. i have a couple more. it goes unsaid, but i'll say it anyway, i was good and drunk. so this extremely striking women sits next to me. i mean extremely stiking. solid. so im trying to put together something to spit out, and here's what i said:
you're amazing. and i have a vasectomy. what a coincidence.
she kinda smirked but moved about 3 stools away. i didn't get a drink in the face or my lap and the bar tender found it quite amusing. i slept in the grass that night, in the way of the crickets.
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Captain...or Skully
Big Wall climber
Yonder
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Jul 20, 2008 - 01:05am PT
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That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. Hey, I was huckin' horseshoes with the boys earlier....Doof!
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Jul 20, 2008 - 01:57am PT
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TRULY laughing out loud. Liquid stupidity or liquid courage, either way it sometimes makes you do crazy stuff. hhahaha
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Standing Strong
Trad climber
hopping on a moonshadow
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Jul 20, 2008 - 01:57am PT
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hahaha! i'm a chik and think it's hilarious
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Jul 20, 2008 - 03:02am PT
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Now that the supertopo world knows you have a sense of humility and a vasectomy, your luck might improve.
Maybe your crazy like a fox!
Funny story
peace
karl
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Chiloe
Trad climber
Lee, NH
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Jul 20, 2008 - 09:35am PT
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Hah! By now she's told this story to all her friends too.
But Norwegian told it well.
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Standing Strong
Trad climber
hopping on a moonshadow
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Jul 20, 2008 - 07:23pm PT
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tip: nix the vasectomy line. i highly doubt in this day and age, unless she's extremely drunk and doesn't know what she's doing (in which case you shouldn't sleep with her anyway) that you're going to find someone who would hookup w/out a condom.
p.s. what are you doing? what happened to your wife and two little kids?
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nutjob
Stoked OW climber
San Jose, CA
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Jul 20, 2008 - 08:01pm PT
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I spent about a minute laughing out loud and hurting my stomach while my eyes teared up so much I couldn't read the screen any more! True genius :)
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jul 21, 2008 - 09:49am PT
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Hee hee hee. . .
Happy Monday, Norwegian!
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Beatrix Kiddo
Mountain climber
Littleton
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Jul 21, 2008 - 11:47am PT
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Let's put the shoe on the other foot and see if it works.
Woman says to a man, "You're amazing and I've had my tubes tied." Or "You're amazing and I've had a historecomy."
Eeek!!! Not so sexy, is it? :-)
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jul 21, 2008 - 11:53am PT
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Especially if it's spelled historecomy!
Sorry Beatrix, I'm a spelling prevert!
:-)
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blackbird
Trad climber
over yonder
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Jul 21, 2008 - 12:23pm PT
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OMG, that's hilarious! I hurt myself laughing, and that ain't a good thing right now since I just DID have a hysterectomy 4 weeks ago!!
And yea, I'd think about modifying the pick up and simply stick with the "you're amazing" part... much better chance of reception, and as SS/TR said, ain't no one in their right mind gonna hook up w/o covering up!
BB
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Beatrix Kiddo
Mountain climber
Littleton
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Jul 21, 2008 - 12:28pm PT
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Steve that's funny. I have fat fingers and can't spell.
That could be a line in itself, right?
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Oakville, Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Jul 21, 2008 - 12:51pm PT
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Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! I gotta try that one.
I am Dr. Piton,
and I have been to see Dr. Scissors
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Jul 21, 2008 - 01:12pm PT
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...so you guys are thinking that a smirk and relocation response is a "success?" I suppose in comparison to a nasty put-down or a beer in the face, maybe. But......
What woulda been reeeal funny was if she smirked and purred...in a singsong, low...manly....voice...."Take a walk on the wild side?" And move one barstool closer,that is, on his lap.
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Bart Fay
Social climber
Redlands, CA
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Jul 21, 2008 - 01:33pm PT
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Success ? Its all relative.
As I recall, this woman was 'extremely stiking'
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couchmaster
climber
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Jul 21, 2008 - 01:42pm PT
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Best pickup line a woman used on me as I was getting too drunk in a bar and trying to get out of the corner she'd sort of maneuvered me into: "Oh No, YOU'RE coming home with me tonight" spoken as she moved closer and started rubbing my crotch.
And so it came to pass.
And it was good. Guys are so clueless generally.
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quartziteflight
climber
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Jul 21, 2008 - 01:59pm PT
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ha ha, funny, but lines like that set off the creep radar!
1)Don't try and pick up women in bars....
2) Don't try and pick up climbing chics. Bad odds. No offense to any of the ladies of supertopo.
3)Don't move to wyoming!! Unless you like going on safari:-)
oh yeah. Don't get hammered drunk. You may think your smoother than silk and colder than a iceberg, but your really just another drunk...
cheers
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 21, 2008 - 02:04pm PT
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yep. some boys are just clueless.
in this case though, my flattering comment to the gal was not aimed at 'the target'. i am married to a sweet hearted girl, whom i couldn't tramp on.
i was just having fun with the moment. if i seriously was in pursuit, i'm sure i would have fumbled it a great deal.
once, at a company outing, a coworker visited my hotel room in the wee hours. she was wearing some twisty rope type lingerie?? (undergarments), and she asked me if i knew where she could find some food. i was single at the time, and very young and clueless. i told her she shouldn't be cruising the hallways dressed like this (her husband was asleep two doors down) and that i would help her find the vending machine. anyway, she wanted attention and i failed to rsvp her invitation. in hindsight im very glad, but i seriously missed her cue.
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Ouch!
climber
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Jul 21, 2008 - 04:55pm PT
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My favorite pickup line.
You have lovely teeth. I bet you could bite a hog's ass through a rail fence...or bite the core out of an apple without busting it.
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Standing Strong
Trad climber
hopping on a moonshadow
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Jul 21, 2008 - 05:22pm PT
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"Don't try and pick up climbing chics. Bad odds. No offense to any of the ladies of supertopo."
i laugh robustly
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Jul 21, 2008 - 05:52pm PT
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Norwegian, too bad you were so drunk, you missed the obvious pick-up line:
"you're amazing. and i have a vasectomy. First time I've ever regretted that."
PS. What two words magically turn a fox into a dog??
A: Last call...
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Captain...or Skully
Big Wall climber
Yonder
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Jul 21, 2008 - 05:53pm PT
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Don't try to pick up climbing chicks, mainly because they can kick your ass.....
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jul 21, 2008 - 06:32pm PT
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Where's California? or better yet, What's California
(my apologies to Russ, L, Ed, Locker, Coz, DR, and a lot of gud uns).
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spud
climber
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Jul 21, 2008 - 08:29pm PT
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I completely agree with Quartizeflight.
Also, don't move to Idaho--those chicks are totally LUNATIC! ESPECIALLY THE LUMBERJILLS IN THE PANHANDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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divad
Trad climber
wmass
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Jul 21, 2008 - 08:43pm PT
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"Don't get hammered drunk. You may think you're smoother than silk and colder than an iceberg, but you're really just another drunk."
I don't think as much as you drink I do.
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jstan
climber
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Jul 21, 2008 - 08:57pm PT
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This decrepit thead is the only place I will get to use the sweatshirt I saw while bicycling through campus today. The back of this lady's sweat shirt read,
"because you weren't there."
I was too embarassed to look back to see the front.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 24, 2009 - 09:13am PT
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the other night i was soundly sleeping in our bed. my wife comes in sometime during the night, after falling asleep while reading to the girls.
i wake up for just a brief moment, peering thru the darkness.
and i say to her...
"even your shadow is beautiful."
and then i fell back off the edge of consciousness.
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Jul 24, 2009 - 10:05am PT
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let me get this straight...
a year ago you were picking up chicks and now you are married?
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 24, 2009 - 10:14am PT
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its a fruitful pursuit, i tell ya.
no, actually, i was married a year ago while i was picking up chicks in the bar.
but i really wasn't "picking up" chicks, just merely having fun with the moment.
i told my wife about the whole incident. i share all of my stumblings with her.
she knows of my sincerity.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 13, 2009 - 09:41pm PT
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my wife and i sneek away for an evening of sushi and drinks, while the kids riddle someone else's reality.
we seat at the bar and get behind a wonderful roll with cilantro, hallepenos and salmon.
we're dining and wining and no one is whining. good cheer abounds.
a nice lassie sits to my left. i smile.
to preface the remainder of the story, i'd been workin in the mid-summer-california-sun all day, trying real hard to keep up on my fluids. but i got behind. musta been the beers after work?
thus, as im sittin there at the sushi bar, my calf fully cramps. screamin cramp.
so without a plan of escape, i straighten my leg to ease the cramp. only it plants right against my neighbor's leg.
i done kicked her. hard. also my napkin falls from my lap on to the floor.
embarassed, i pick it up and unthinkingly set it on the bar,
in between my plate and the attractive stranger's plate.
now it was a visibly dirty napkin, smudged with the typical sushi flavors. and it was within an inch of food she was about to consume.
i quickly correct my terrible table manners and utter an apology to the lady.
she says with audible frusteration, "im trying to not get all O.C.D. about my space here," with a fine hand gesture outlining here designated dining room.
i look to my wife and i say, "you see why i had trouble reelin in the ladies."
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Thorgon
Big Wall climber
Sedro Woolley, WA
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Aug 13, 2009 - 10:32pm PT
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Captain...or Skully
Big Wall climber
From: Yonder
"Don't try to pick up climbing chicks, mainly because they can kick your ass....."
Bahaha... Or out climb me!!!!!
Thor
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Captain...or Skully
Social climber
Boise....
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Aug 13, 2009 - 10:38pm PT
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Watch out that she doesn't do the one & then the other, too.
Yikes!
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quartziteflight
climber
Who knows?
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Aug 14, 2009 - 09:24am PT
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When I first met my spottieottiedopalicious angel
I can remember that damn thing like yesterday
The way she moved reminded me of a brown stallion
Horse with skates on smooth like a hot comb
On nappy ass hair
I walked up on her & was almost paralyzed
Her neck was smelling sweeter
Than a plate of yams with extra syrup..
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2013 - 05:31pm PT
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hey nutless-job
i wanted to invite you to
employ my above stated and
mildly effective pick up line
now that hopping fences
is no longer your danger.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 10, 2014 - 09:49am PT
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while your attic,
weave an old rope into a bohemian belt.
now employ it within your waist hoops.
a square knot holds well, here.
in between pint-pulls, at the local pub
you gotta take a leak, right?
plan your restroom exit accordingly,
and shoulder up next to a sweet-pretty thing.
fumble with your belt, trying to hitch it, solo.
you're sure to gather stares.
now ask the honey if she wouldn't
mind putting a finger on the 'x'
of the first-pass knot, and slight pressure.
you know, while you secure the top
half of the hitch.
so now, you are literally and physically a present,
and she will instinctively want to unwrap you.
i actually wear belts like this,
and they are difficult to tie by yourself.
once while leading a pitch i ran out of runners
and yanked my pant leash and tied it to the last piece;
so they are multifaceted tools.
go get 'em boys.
tell them norwegian sent you.
i've already got mine,
keeping her has proven more difficult than the initial capture.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 23, 2014 - 12:07pm PT
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unlikely gestures win otherwise difficult to
secure adorations.
here, i offer a real-life example:
i was eyeing this gal, she was like, all there, and then some.
i offered myself, rubber-like to the universe,
hoping to capture and then redirect to her,
some of It's infinite signs.
but man, i always ended up too dead-toured to triumph.
then i learned of a mid-week show at a small venue in santa cruz,
so after work i dieseled on down the four hours to the show.
ended up visiting with helen on the side, stage right.
it was concrete floors, and cold.
so i spread out my velvet skirt, which was plentiful in flowy fabric,
on the floor, and then gestured for her to rest upon it.
she sat. she immediately warmed up to me,
and she realized that i was between her and negative thermal transfer,
and that that was a good thing.
i left santa cruz at 2 am,
pulled into the parking lot of my employer at 5:45,
caught an hour of sleep before the
master carpenter woke me up
by rapping his hard hat on my wind deflector.
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weezy
climber
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Feb 23, 2014 - 02:04pm PT
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i went to the bar last night
and this girl that i like
was looking at me
so i finished my drink
and went home
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2014 - 06:56pm PT
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...you should drive real slow,
and i'll rear end you.
then i'll give you my insurance information...
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Jul 15, 2014 - 08:47am PT
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Who will be the first woman in history to utter this pick up comeback?
"I would, but you're just not drunk enough."
Along the same lines, I once saw a woman sporting a button that read
"Sorry, only with humans"
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ydpl8s
Trad climber
Santa Monica, California
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Jul 15, 2014 - 08:56am PT
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When I was in college, I went out to the local bar one evening and had way too much to drink. I sauntered up to a blonde and asked her to dance and was subsequently rebuked. I said "that's ok, I had to go take a sh&t anyway!"
That response got me a drink dumped on my head but, my buddies bought me numerous rounds for my effort.
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crankster
Trad climber
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Jul 15, 2014 - 09:05am PT
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"Chicks"?
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Jul 15, 2014 - 09:16am PT
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When I was sixteen I was a busboy in an all-nite diner. Ken's house of Pancakes. It was during the 2AM bar-rush and an older gent was sitting next to this young gal. His t-shirt had SOMF on it.(sit on my face) The young gal casually asked what it stood for. Sad old mother-f**ker?
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Jul 15, 2014 - 09:42am PT
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One thing women do appreciate is your letting them know that you're an abusive as#@&%e up front.
Saves time.
Remember: the drunker you are, the more the woman you're slurring over deserves to be insulted.
"When I was in college, I went out to the local bar one evening and had way too much to drink. I sauntered up to a blonde and asked her to dance and was subsequently rebuked. I said "that's ok, I had to go take a sh&t anyway!"
That response got me a drink dumped on my head but, my buddies bought me numerous rounds for my effort."
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ydpl8s
Trad climber
Santa Monica, California
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Jul 15, 2014 - 10:51am PT
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Just to be clear, that post of mine above was referring to an incident that happened 40 yrs ago. I'd like to think I've become a bit more genteel and caring since then....
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Bruce Morris
Social climber
Belmont, California
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Jul 15, 2014 - 10:56am PT
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"No girl ever called Pablo Picasso an ass'hole."
Boy, you're really smooth, aren't you?
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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Jul 15, 2014 - 11:47am PT
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Picking up women at bars never seems to work out in the long run, personally.
It's a total paradigm shift for me. After years of being happily single and celibate, my girlfriend of one year is moving in with me. It's a whole can of worms, but I'm developing a taste for worms. I've quit the booze, and life is totally different in a very pleasant way. At 35, I say 'better late than never'.
Salud, Weedge.
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Gunkie
Trad climber
East Coast US
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Jul 15, 2014 - 11:53am PT
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...i was good and drunk. so this extremely striking women sits next to me. i mean extremely stiking. solid.
Beer goggles.
Good thing nothing happened; you may have had to chew your own arm off.
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Gunkie
Trad climber
East Coast US
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Jul 15, 2014 - 11:57am PT
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Picking up women at bars never seems to work out in the long run
Met my wife in a bar. Three kids and 23 years later, things are going just swimmingly and probably getting better.
I can't say I'm climbing any better. But I am probably surfing better. YMMV.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Jul 15, 2014 - 11:59am PT
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Insulting a woman for not wanting to be bothered by some slurring stumblef*#k is just about as funny today as it was 40 years ago.
Sorry, but the 'bitch deserved it' schtick never flew, then or now.
Sure, lone women know they'll probably be molested but some shitfaced jaggoff puttin' on a show for his pals at her expense, and they also know they'll probably get a similar psycho insult when they invariably have to tell the drunk to take a walk in no uncertain terms.
They shouldn't have to put up with it, but hey, "I gotta be me", right?
Ah, well, that's what being a drunk is all about - its funny to you, anyway.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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Jul 15, 2014 - 12:02pm PT
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Gunkie, I did say personally. Life works differently for all of us. Congrats on living and loving in the long term. I aspire to it.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 24, 2014 - 05:16am PT
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I've been brushing up on my skills
incase my comeback from hell falls short...
so i went to the back of my closet,
where the good shirts hide;
the ones with no sawdust in them,
or greasy gashes
and i pulled out a nice
button-up by gap....
then i put on my faded
pink cords....
i've actually worked the piss out of these dutiful threads...
i'm the only logger in town that shows
up to a jobsite in a prius, wearing pink pants....
"where'th the tree, boy'th?"
anyway, back on track,
i'm headed out soon to do some public
engineering, the girls always gaggle
over beam diagrams and such,
"what are you working on?" says hottie.
i delay my glance up and response because
what i'm doing is high,
"oh, just checking members for sufficient section modulus..."
it's gets em all capitalistic
and they begin to dream
of that expensive brunch
on the tail-end of satin-sheet
wrestling, with me.....
and my asse looks so good in these
pink pants but the damn shirt
hangs down too low and covers up my show;
i never tuck in shirts. i just don't.
so i wield some scissors and go about
gutting the shirt, cutting off excess
like a devout alpine-style prodigy
and now the shirt affords good
view of my working section....
but, and here's the hidden skill set
rearing up on its own...
i accidently cut two teeth into
the material on the front side trim;
these two teeth face inward,
like towards my target.
so now, when the girls eyes drift down
and lock in on the sharp line of my shirt
hem, i say...
"they're barbs. that way when i lock into you,
i can't escape."
the only problem with this,
i have to leave my shirt on
which strips me of the immense advantage
afforded me by my absolutely beautiful upper body...
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Nov 24, 2014 - 05:54am PT
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beautiful upper body
Where are you going with this.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 24, 2014 - 06:00am PT
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where am i going with this?
to hell, of course.
i'm actually thinking of starting a guide service.
i've been there and back so many times
i got it wired.
i garuntee a one and a half way trip:
there and almost back for each customer.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Nov 24, 2014 - 06:16am PT
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where am i going with this?
to hell, of course.
i'm actually thinking of starting a guide service.
i've been there and back so many times
i got it wired.
i garuntee a one and a half way trip:
there and almost back for each customer.
Classic.
Especially the Garuntee.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 5, 2015 - 06:48am PT
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a beautiful brunette
with steely blue-gray eyes
and a voice to hypnotize
audibly farts two stools
away from me,
and within 5 seconds i'm
suffering.
"hot chicks aren't allowed
to do that.
your job is to win the affection
of men, and that shite doesn't help."
luckily our engagement leading up
to this crass statement
qualified my sexism as
a mere joke and she giggled
and then laughed,
and all the men nearby hittin on
her were taking notes
on my prose.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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This thread is generating the following sidebar ads:
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Apogee, thanks for that clarification. I thought I was seeing those because I just got
'friended' by some of my old Russian climber pardners.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 5, 2015 - 09:04am PT
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riely and apoogeee i cannot take
responsibility for your internet
habits.
the cookies run deep, man.
right in to your's and mine secrets.
i only see adolf in the periphery of my supertopo dream.
and i'm not talking hitler.
that episode in humankind is unfathomably grim.
i'm speaking of mr. coors.
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Port
Trad climber
Norwalk, CT
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You guys all sound like real winners. Chauvinisitc backhanded comments, alcoholic rants, and you're so delusional you actually think it's funny and women like it.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 5, 2015 - 09:26am PT
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You guys all sound like real winners. Chauvinisitc backhanded comments, alcoholic rants, and you're so delusional you actually think it's funny and women like it. -port, from Norwalk connecticut f*#k you port
your handle is akin
to mismanaged whine.
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LearningTrad
Trad climber
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I love how we try to distill the Female down so much.
I'm sure there are women who would warmly respond to such a line - namely, women who would sleep with a dude like Weege. Let him be.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Wait a minute, Weege copped to going before the bar therefor he cannot be
held responsible for anything he might have said any more than any
lawyer can be who chooses to represent himself. Case dismissed.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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Weege, I'm pretty sure the content of the sidebar ads is driven by the content of the current page...in this case, the thread title & various comments. Not a problem...jes' sayin'.
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Rhodo-Router
Gym climber
sawatch choss
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You guys all sound like real winners. Chauvinisitc backhanded comments, alcoholic rants, and you're so delusional you actually think it's funny and women like it.
Yep.
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Port
Trad climber
Norwalk, CT
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Sorry Weege, I mean no disrespect. I like your posts, your poetry, and find you a generally intering person with insight, sometimes. Much more than can be said for others.
I was raised by a single mom. As a man I have very little respect for degrading women, which I believe you do in your posts and life stories, whether intentional or not. Mostly for the assument of like minded men on Supertopo.
I don't "get it", and I'm not sure you do either. If you know what I mean.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 6, 2015 - 04:27am PT
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though my prose may blatantly scream otherwise,
i am not chauvinistic.
i am completely chivalrous.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 21, 2015 - 06:56am PT
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a bizarre and unlikely set of behaviors,
i've discovered,
yield incredible results in this pursuit
of which we speak.
blatant honesty coupled with borderline awkward discourse
intrigues the opposite sex almost into
a position of reckless surrender.
for example,
sitting on a bar stool, stewing in my mind,
this fine-up lady next to me is gnawing on my silence.
so i entertain it for a while,
giving her the courtesy of an open ear,
and finally i turn to her and say this,
"i don't really feel like talking.
you see i'm not entirely sure of what's
transpiring right now in the bottom of
my mind.
and i do suspect that the answer to my
burning wonder lies in your warm
hand with your cheek resting on my
shoulder.
let's dance."
her eyes turn foggy
as my five dollars of lou reed plays out
on the tunes box
and we stand up
and embrace.
she tells me that she never wants to let go.
i tell her that i'm always gone,
despite the deceptiveness of my presence.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Jan 21, 2015 - 07:00am PT
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Ah, sneaky man-ipulation...
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crankster
Trad climber
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Jan 21, 2015 - 07:09am PT
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the bar stool...hmmm.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Jan 21, 2015 - 07:59am PT
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'Twas a balmy summer evening and a goodly crowd was there,
Which well-nigh filled Joe's barroom on the corner of the square,
And as songs and witty stories came through the open door
A vagabond crept slowly in and posed upon the floor.
“Where did it come from?” someone said. “The wind has blown it in.”
“What does it want?” another cried, “Some whiskey, rum or gin?”
“Here Toby, seek him, if your stomach is equal to the work —
I wouldn't touch him with a fork, he’s filthy as a Turk.”
This badinage the poor wretch took with stoical good grace;
In fact, he smiled as though he thought he'd struck the proper place.
“Come boys, I know there's kindly hearts among so good a crowd —
To be in such good company would make a deacon proud.”
“Give me a drink — that’s what I want — I'm out of funds you know;
When I had cash to treat the gang, this hand was never slow.
What? You laugh as though you thought this pocket never held a sou:
I once was fixed as well, my boys, as any of you.”
“There thanks, that’s braced me nicely; God Bless you one and all;
Next time I pass this good saloon, I'll make another call.
Give you a song? No, I can't do that, my singing days are past;
My voice is cracked, my throat's worn out, and my lungs are going fast.
“Say, give me another whiskey, and I'll tell you what I'll do —
I'll tell you a funny story and in fact I'll promise two.
That I was ever a decent man, not one of you would think;
But I was, some four or five years back. Say, give me another drink.
“Fill 'er up, Joe, I want to put some life into this old frame —
Such little drinks, to a bum like me are miserably tame;
Five fingers — there, that's the scheme — and corking whiskey too.
Well, here's luck, boys; and landlord, my best regards to you.
“You’ve treated me pretty kindly, and I'd like to tell you how
I came to be this dirty sap, you see before you now.
As I told you once, I was a man with muscle, frame and health,
And, but for a blunder, ought have made considerable wealth.
“I was a painter — not one that daubed on bricks or wood,
But an artist, and for my age I was rated pretty good,
I worked hard at my canvas and bidding fair to rise,
For gradually I saw the star of fame before my eyes.
“I made a picture, perhaps you've seen, 'tis called the 'Chase of Fame.'
It brought me fifteen hundred pounds and added to my name.
And then I met a woman — now comes the funny part —
With eyes that petrified my brain, and sank into my heart.
“Why don't you laugh? 'Tis funny, that the vagabond you see
Could ever love a woman and expect her love for me;
But 'twas so, and for a month or two, her smiles were freely given,
And when her loving lips touched mine it carried me to heaven.
“Did you ever see a woman for whom your soul you'd give,
With a form like the Milo Venus, too beautiful to live;
With eyes that would beat the Koh-i-noor, and a wealth of chestnut hair?
If so, 'twas she, for there never was another half so fair.
“I was working on a portrait, one afternoon in May,
Of a fair haired boy, a friend of mine, who lived across the way.
And Madeline admired it, and much to my surprise,
Said she'd like to know the man who had such dreamy eyes.
“She didn't take long to find him, and before the month had flown
My friend had stolen my darling, and I was left alone.
And, ere a year of misery had passed above my head.
The jewel I treasured so had tarnished, and was dead.
“That's why I took to drink, boys. Why, I never see you smile,
I thought you'd be amused, and laughing all the while.
Why, what's the matter friend? There's a teardrop in your eye.
Come, laugh like me; 'tis only babes and women that should cry.
“Say boys, if you give me just another whiskey, I'll be glad,
And I'll draw right here the picture, of the face that drove me mad.
Give me that piece of chalk with which you mark the baseball score —
And you shall see the lovely Madeline upon the barroom floor.
Another drink, and with chalk in hand, the vagabond began,
To sketch a face that well might buy the soul of any man.
Then, as he placed another lock upon that shapely head,
With a fearful shriek, he leaped and fell across the picture — dead!
John Henry Titus, 1872
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SicMic
climber
across the street from Marshall
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Jan 21, 2015 - 08:55am PT
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Good call Locker.
Get 'em around the waist.
Lift with the legs.
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Flip Flop
Trad climber
Truckee, CA
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Jan 21, 2015 - 11:56am PT
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I protest criticizing our poet.
A line like that is clearly meant as a warning to sensible women. It's also a lure for the crazy fish who can be toyed with like a sucker fish. Catch and release is clearly the Norwegian way in cases like these.
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couchmaster
climber
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Jan 22, 2015 - 12:56pm PT
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From off the National Review: hope this helps sort the conversation out.
"Ten Ways Men Oppress Women with Their Everyday Behavior
By now, you may have heard of “manspreading” – when a guy sits with his legs apart on the subway to assert his dominance — and “manslamming” – when a man doesn’t get out of the way of a woman on the street and they run into each other.
While these are definitely very important women’s issues, there are still so many more we need to be talking about. Here are ten words for even more ways men are constantly oppressing women:
1. Broplimenting
This is when a guy says something nice to you without asking for your consent first. Men should always ask. “Do you consent to me complimenting you?” before saying anything nice or else it’s assault. No, nonverbal cues don’t count – he still has to ask for explicit consent before offering that kind of affection.
2. Mansulting
This is when a man says something really mean to you. You know, like, the opposite of a broplimenting. Mansults are worse than insults because each one is another brick being added to the fortress of the patriarchy that surrounds you every day no matter how hard you try to fight it with hashtags on Feminist Twitter.
3. Bropen-mouth chewing
When people see man chewing with his mouth open, most think that it’s just him being rude — but that’s just because most people aren’t educated on women’s issues. Social-justice scholars realize that feeling the need to display the crushing and grinding of food is actually a sign of dominance over the lesser being that you are consuming. Especially if it’s meat because eating meat is sexist because women need to show solidarity with animals because that’s how the world sees us anyway (like animals) and we have to be their friends. (I am only interested in dating vegan men who make sure they have chewed and swallowed all of their food before we return to talking about how many microaggressions there are in the restaurant. It’s so rowomantic!)
4. Mentoring
You’ve heard this word before, but unless you’re as educated and culturally aware as I am, you have probably never thought about how sexist it is. Why isn’t it “women-toring,” huh? I’ll tell you why. It’s because we live in a society where people think men are the only ones who can give advice. Seriously, I hate when like my boss or my dad tries to help me out or give me feedback and acts like it’s because he has more experience when really we all know it’s just because he thinks that he is better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I fight against this by refusing to take advice or direction from men and smearing anyone who tries to offer it in a Jezebel post. I just did this with my boss, actually, and guess what? He fired me! Just more proof of sexism in the workplace.
5. Sleep Manpnea
Men snore because they have to keep imposing their existence on us even while they are asleep. It is of course different from women’s snoring. When a woman snores, it’s because she has been manterrupted all day and needs some way for her voice to be heard. By the way, if a man ever tells you that your snoring bothers him, what he really means is that he is uncomfortable with the idea of women being heard.
6. Mantroduction
If a man introduces you instead of letting you introduce yourself, that’s because he wants to control your identity. If you are out with a guy and he says “This is my girlfriend . . .,” leave immediately. Sure, he might have just been trying to be respectful, but don’t feel bad for him. That would mean he doesn’t understand his privilege and you don’t want to be with someone that dumb and out of touch anyway.
7. Manspiration
This is when a man tries to inspire you with a story from his own life as if he has any idea what your life is like as a woman. Now, while that’s unacceptable, it’s also past time to recognize that men and women are equal and exactly the same. Sometimes guys say this makes no sense and is contradictory and ask me to explain, but that’s an example of . . .
8. Manterrogating
This is when a man asks you to explain anything or questions anything you say. This is included but not limited to being asked to explain contradicting lines of thought or provide any actual facts or evidence to support your claims. A real man knows the only acceptable thing to do is to blindly accept anything that comes out of a woman’s mouth rather than to continue gender disparities by manterrogating her.
9. Manpacking
Similar to manspreading, (where men sit with their legs apart on the subway and take up too much room,) this is when men bring large backpacks onto the subway that take up too much room. Before you dare manterrogate me and ask why it’s a gender issue when women can have large bags too, check your privilege and realize that the only reason women have backpacks is for makeup and other items they need to measure up to the standards imposed on her by the patriarchy. If you see a woman with a large backpack taking up space, the only person you should be mad it is yourself for imposing that backpack on her with your unrealistic standards of beauty.
10. Mensoring
This is when men censor their cool partybro bro-time stories around women because they don’t think we can handle anything offensive."
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Dingus McGee
Social climber
Where Safety trumps Leaving No Trace
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Jan 23, 2015 - 04:24am PT
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Couchmaster,
1. Broplimenting
This is when a guy says something nice to you without asking for your consent first. Men should always ask. “Do you consent to me complimenting you?” before saying anything nice or else it’s assault. No, nonverbal cues don’t count – he still has to ask for explicit consent before offering that kind of affection.
The statement makes little sense in that in the beginning the author is talking of a mere compliment to women and then in the end saying you need explicit consent before offering that kind of affection. The writer does not seem to be talking of the sames things within the paragraph: First a mere compliment? and then specifically a complement seeking or offering affection is an entirely different statement.
Just before leaving a Christmas party last year I complimented a woman on her hairdo without asking her permission. I could see she enjoyed the compliment. She teaches Women's Studies at UW and seems quite aware of these women vs. men issues. Next morning I see she made me a Google friend.
So, was I oppressing her? Hardly!
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 23, 2015 - 05:08am PT
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social encounters are
seasoned with situational parody,
as well as emotional context.
all of the exchanges that i have
posted here in my virtual seminar
on how to gracefully be an assehole
have transpired respectfully
and playfully, and fit well
within their moment.
i have unparalleled respect for
women. i do.
i also adore them,
and absolutely worship the beauty that they embody.
so the three of these disciplines explode
within my disaster mind and,
i happen.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jan 23, 2015 - 06:30am PT
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Cassette or record player required.
Proof that men in the previous generation were morons too.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 23, 2015 - 06:46am PT
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when greatness exceeds the
capacity of it's carrier,
it just goes on spilling out
all over records
and onto empty pages,
and sometimes on
that soft place
in between a soft place
and a soft place.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2015 - 03:53pm PT
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"do these pants make my penis look fat?"
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Flip Flop
climber
salad bowl, california
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Do these?
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anita514
Gym climber
Great White North
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Can't tell... need close up.
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Gilroy
Social climber
Bolderado
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"As soon as a man and woman of almost any age are alone together within four walls it is assumed that anything may happen. Spontaneous combustion, instant fornication, triumph of the senses. What possibilities men and women must see in each other to infer such dangers. Or, believing in those dangers, how often must they think of the possibilities."
~Alice Munro
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Flip Flop
climber
salad bowl, california
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Super funny.
And by 'Ghastly', you mean awesome.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2015 - 07:48pm PT
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anita while your gettin'
a close up,
have a sip of my beer,
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2015 - 07:52pm PT
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alice speaks with authority.
i think all too often of
within four walls,[Click to View YouTube Video]
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climbski2
Mountain climber
Anchorage AK, Reno NV
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I have no clue..but I have noticed that things seem to work out better when a women finds me attractive.
Doesn't seem to happen too often. But it's not like I try very hard either.
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Barney Rubble
Trad climber
ALAMEDA
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Blast back to 1980ish, we’re in Denny’s at 2:30 AM after a night of LSD and carousing. I’m with Mark Ciley (brother to the infamous Dick Ciley) and Brian Woodwick. Mark attempts to order the Farrah Fawcett spread with the delicate white sauce (no kidding, that’s what he said) but is calmly informed by our waitress “that’s not on the menu”. I guess if you work the 2:30 shift at Denny's you've heard it all.
Mark then proceeds to pick up a young lady at an adjacent table from under the noses of the two guys she was with. It remains a mystery to me to this day how he could pull this sort of thing off.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 20, 2015 - 07:52pm PT
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i was alright in
college. not fraternal
but i wore relic
climbing boots and
had a style all
my own.
i spent hours and hours
in the math lab,
grinding my mind
into the curve.
one afternoon,
i deep in differential
and working hard
at my studies;
a fine las spies
me and taps me
on the shoulder.
i was illegit, socially.
especially while in the math lab.
anyway she wants to know
the time (even though
there's a big asse
clock on the wall)
i turn at her
and a face of gorgeous
proportions smiles at me.
well i guess i had just
taken a deep breath
and was on the tail
end of a thorough exhale,
but so in shock
that i lacked the presence
to draw in a breath
before answering.
so i lip out
the time which was
a rough guess plus
or minus infinity,
and no audible
wind escaped my lips;
she got weirded out
by my mute response
and bailed.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Sep 20, 2015 - 08:17pm PT
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Funny Norge.....timing and delivery are everything. Luckily, opportunities keep presenting themselves.
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sasha Cohen
Trad climber
South Lake Tahoe CA
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Sep 21, 2015 - 08:18am PT
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Norwegian, were you in South Lake Saturday or was it your doppelganger?
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 21, 2015 - 08:25am PT
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sasha, indeed i was.
enjoyed a walk on the beach, sushi and
a twilight stroll down the strip with my two daughters.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 10, 2015 - 09:22am PT
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i went on a hike with
this new chick
and i made the
fashion mistake
of wearing mens
boxer briefs
beneath's my
womens size 4a cords
and the damn
underwear
kept riding
all up in my
business and
it was slowly
driving me
mad and i kept
a cool face
and maintained
conversational
poise until
i finally could take it no
more and i told
the gal to pause
for a moment and
i proceeded to rip
the briefs apart
and off without
ever taking off my
pants i just done
reached down into
my waist band
and tore and swore
and the material
failed and i struggled
with the elastic
but i dug deep and
it broke too, with
a loud snap
and i stood there
holding my shredded briefs
and the girly girl
stood there agape.
there.
i said.
that's better.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 25, 2015 - 09:14am PT
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in a drawl,
"you should make a wish
before you give me
a blowjob and then
i'll put some money
in your fountain
and both of our dreams
will come true."
it might just work.
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jstan
climber
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Oct 25, 2015 - 01:10pm PT
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True Facelift C4 story.
Very shapely lass in a short red dress is walking to the rest room in C4. A person we all know sings out, "I love short red dresses."
Her retort. "Want to play?"
Take my word for it. The level playing ground beats all to hell what existed before.
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astray
Sport climber
where the heart was
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Nov 19, 2017 - 08:25am PT
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i told this girl,
"i caught your destiny between my legs.
no really. i'm like squeezing my knees together
trying not to drop the fragile myth. quick
i need somewhere to put it.
like a safe, warm, moist place.
yea. right there. you understand.
because you are my future wife.
and there i placed it with utmost care
and intention; wholly honored to temporarily
cradle our beautiful horizon within my unworthy loins.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 19, 2017 - 08:42am PT
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So good to see you post again buddy!! I hope things are well!!
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astray
Sport climber
where the heart was
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Nov 19, 2017 - 08:47am PT
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now is a fulcurm.
on one side: doom.
on the other side: survival.
i, a passenger within a teeter-totter life.
yee haw.
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Nov 19, 2017 - 09:12am PT
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we been losing brothers everyday
it seems like
good to hear ur back
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Nov 19, 2017 - 09:24am PT
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Ive chewed that too and its doez nuts whatz cost me the floorMay yer rivers always rambel may you soar 'ere ya wanna 'cause your the keeper at the door.
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unlocked gait
Gym climber
the range
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i'm the bouncer at the door of perception. thanks gnome.
dinae realize i'd worth....
so here's my immediate scheme.
it is never intentional.
i'm merely reflecting on what just happened....
i pull into starbucks, 6am and change.
i see my 'ol friend bonnie glancing acroos cool paevmnt 'neath the full moon cool light, stepping out for her break.
her car is parked next to mein.
she smiles. i throw my teeth at her while they remain in meigh 'ead.
she gets into her rig and proclaims to me, "i'm gonna have a smoke."
now i've known bonnie from 20 years past.
i've always had a crush on her, she is pure lovely.
i once made a move, dumb f*#k me with naught social savvie; which she very politely declined. (i'm sure she regrets this)
so i get ov' my truck. grab my tall can of beer.
let the dog oot of the passenger door,
and walk over to her truck and say, "can we sit with you?"
'please.' she gets back to me.
so i's walk aroond to the passenger door and climb in; the dog joins us at meigh feet. and we enjoy a lovely session of conversation, mutual respect. and wee bit of my throwing f*#king adoration upon her.
a big truck pulls up and out loads a crew of men. i nod.
ah can tell that the lot of them also long for bonnie.
because, who (with a heterosexual mind) wouldn't.
my bonnie lass' break ends and she got's back too work.
i finish my tall boy and head into the fragrant coffee bar.
now let me describe myself:
i'm very feminine on the exterior (i've gaught a smashing shape) and ah'm dooning female jeans that from the back make me look like i have a vagina but from the front because they are size 3 there is no where to hide my male appendage.
the idling construction werkers drop their stature and every bit 'o poise they once might 'av 'ad fails them though they retain their stamina and attempt without success to play it all off, cool like.
i oorder up and bonnie is flashing me context glances and i sit doon.
the f*#king construction crew is loosing teir shite.. who thu f*#kis this guy? they are all homo phobes, aah can teil.
so i flaunt the situation. and adopt some feminine gestures, all the while flirting with bonnie.
bonnie has striking facial features and an ass and chest to upset the best.
bonnie loves me. she's knows i'm married and i actual met my wife in an ol time coffee shop on one of bonnie's shifts. and bonnie loves my two girls. and she loves my dog. and i know she secretly wishes that she was my maight. because mine plight is not horrible: i've something like two houses a good job a dog a good drinking habit and sparkle in meigh tired eyes....
so their is naught a threat to anyoon.
except the faking republican boys who's entire soul is upset right now.
on my clock.
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fleeting
Trad climber
camino ca
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Jan 16, 2018 - 02:15pm PT
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"you wanna lock loins"
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