MEN - BACK FROM BAFFIN

Again (and again and again, ad infinitum), the real Burt Bronson outed himself years ago on rec.climbing and hasn't posted since.

"HI BURT BRONSON HERE. SINCE THIS NG IS GOING DOWNHILL, I THOUGHT I WOULD GRACE EVERYONE WITH SOME EXCELLENT WRITING AND TO ALSO HELP EVERYONE TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE A SERIOUS VALLEY CLIMBER LIKE ME MOST PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO IDEA, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECORD MY EXPERIENCES FOR THE 99.99 NON-SERIOUS CLIMBERS OUT THERE IN THE CYBER WORLD. ENJOY!

AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER. THEREFORE,
MY GOALS IN THE VALLEY WERE FAR MORE SERIOUS THAN WHAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE. MY
OBJECTIONS FOR THIS TRIP WERE:

1) ASTROMAN IN SUB 3 HOURS WITH ONLY 3 NUTS, AND 2 CAMS - LINKING WITH CREST JEWEL AND A DOWN CLIMB OF ROYAL ARCHES TO THE DEVIL POOLS - TOTAL CLIMB TIME TO NAKED TIME AT THE POOLS: 6 HOURS

2) SOLO OF STECK-SALATHE BESTING HENERY BARBER'S TIME OF 2:45

3) SOLO OF THE GOOD BOOK WITH NO HELMET WHILE DODGING LOOSE AND FALLING ROCK

4) FREEBLAST BEFORE CURRY BREAKFAST BUFFET OPENS WHILE GETTING COMPLETELY
HAMMERED THE NIGHT BEFORE

5) PANTY RAID OF THE HUBERS FIXED LEDGE ON ZODIAC WHILE ASCENDING THE ROUTE
IN SUB 8 HOURS SOLO

6) THE ROSTRUM TO THE ALIEN FINISH WHILE TAMING A PERIGRINE FALCON NESTING
THERE TO BRING HOME AS A PET

7) SOLO OF GENERATOR CRACK IN RUNNING SHOES WHILE ON REST DAY/MORNING JOG TO TUOLOMNE AND BACK

8) SMOKE AND DRINK BEER FROM BROWN BAG ON THE PIZZA DECK WHILE SCAVAGING
PIZZA AND DODGING THE YCS EMPLOYEES

9) SANDBAG THE NUMOURUS FIRST TIME WALL CLIMBERS WITH BAD WEATHER BETA AT
THE START OF THE NOSE TO TEST THEIR SERIOUSNESS

10) SMOKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEED WITH CHONGO AND THEN TELL HIM HE'S GOT
RELATIVITY ALL WRONG

AS YOU WOULD HAVE GUESSED, ALL GOALS WERE COMPLETED AND ACTUALLY SURPASSED.
MY TIME ON ASTROMAN WAS 2:20:43 AND WAS NAKED WITH COCK IN HAND AT 4:53:32.
MY TIME ON STECK-SALATHE WAS 1:23:21. I SUCESSFULLY DODGED FALLING ROCK ON
THE GOOD BOOK AND EVEN MANAGED ANOTHER SLIDE! FREEBLAST WAS A JOKE BUT
BREAKFAST WAS GREAT. I HAVE MUCH OF THE HUBERS GEAR AND A NEW SOLO RECORD
FOR ZODIAC. MY PET FALCONS NAME IS BECKEY. I'VE DOWNGRADED THE GENERATOR
TO 5.3+. I OWNED THE PIZZA DECK. NO NOSE GUMBIES PASSED MY TEST, WHICH IS
GOOD, AS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RESCUEING PEOPLE ON THIS TRIP. CHONGO HAS
ACCEPTED HE KNOWS NOTHING OF RELATIVITY AND CONFESSED THAT HIS BOOK IS A
SCAM - AS A SIDE NOTE, HE DID HAVE REALLY GOOD WEED.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER

AT 5.14C, A5++, PDH, WI 13, M14+, GRADE IX, V14, B3, SIT START,

We need more REAL MEN around here, like BURT. Whatever happened to him?

He became a pussy moved to suburbia and took up mini-traxion, sport climbing, and gym climbing