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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 31, 2012 - 11:27pm PT
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I can't believe it has been 5 years since the last post. I won't bump the thread, but if anyone has a sick sense of humor and could care less about religious or social sensativities, search for the topic title.
Disclaimer: Not for the religious or social sensitive. Parental Guidance advised. Stay away if you are a naive ninny or can't find humor in incredibly distastefull jokes.
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S.Leeper
Social climber
somewhere that doesnt have anything over 90'
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The Aristocrats (joke)From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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This article has multiple issues. Please help improve it or discuss these issues on the talk page.
It needs additional citations for verification. Tagged since November 2009.
It may contain original research. Tagged since November 2009.
"The Aristocrats" (also known as "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is an exceptionally transgressive (taboo-defying) dirty joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Throughout its long history, it has evolved from a clichéd staple of vaudevillian humor into a postmodern anti-joke.
Steven Wright has likened it to a secret handshake among comedians, and it is seen as something of a game in which those who tell it try to top each other in terms of shock value. It is thought of as a badge of honor among expert comedians and is notoriously hard to perform successfully.
It is rarely told the same way twice, often improvised, and was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001.
Contents [hide]
1 Joke format
2 History in print
3 2005 film
4 See also
5 Notes
6 External links
[edit] Joke formatThis joke almost always has these elements—alternative versions may change this form, but such versions tend to assume that the audience is already familiar with the joke:
The setup: The joke always begins with a family act going in to see a talent agent.
Those who meet the agent can include the whole family or just one family member (usually the father).
The agent asks what they do (sometimes after saying that he is not interested, and a plea from the father).
If the whole family is present, the act may be performed for the agent, rather than described.
There is also the possibility of a neutral observer telling the tale of seeing the performance to the talent agent.
The act: It is described in as much detail as the teller prefers.
While most tellings follow one of a few basic forms, the description of the act is meant to be an ad lib.
Traditionally, the description is crude, tasteless, and ribald. The goal is to significantly transgress social norms. Taboo acts such as violence, incest, rape, child sexual abuse, coprophilia, coprophagy, bestiality, and murder are common themes.
The punch line: The shocked (or intrigued) agent asks what the act is called, and the proud answer (sometimes delivered with a flourish) is: "The Aristocrats!"
The punchline may be modified in some variants, but generally such variants are told only in a context in which the original joke is known.
The Prestige:
Because the sense of what an aristocrat is has faded in many countries, the final line may simply be seen as the end of a rather bawdy joke rather than a punchline. In some regions the name of the act is "The Sophisticates" or "The Debonaires".
Originally the humor of the punch line was in the reading of the joke as a satirical comment on the decadence of the aristocracy - in modern performances the humour lies more in the anticlimax as the punchline is usually known beforehand by the audience.
Some versions of the punchline contain the set-up line "What the heck do you call an act like that?" followed by the punchline "I call it 'The Aristocrats'." The added set-up value of this version of the joke, in which the pitchman misunderstands the meaning of the phrase "What the heck do you call [that]?" as a request for information, when it is in fact meant to be an expression of incredulity or bewilderment, is lost in other tellings of the joke, with the simpler but less sensible question asked by the agent: "What do you call your act?"
[edit] History in printIn 2005, Jackie Martling's website cited "The Aristocrats" as appearing on page 987 of Gershon Legman's Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Vol. 2, published in 1975.[1] Legman retells the joke, complete with its traditional vaudevillian flourishes, although he does not attribute the joke to vaudeville roots. Instead, Legman learned the joke from a young man who grew up in a broken home.[citation needed]
In a 2005 interview, comedian Barry Cryer claims to have heard the joke "fifty years ago."[2]
[edit] 2005 filmMain article: The Aristocrats (film)
A film called The Aristocrats premiered at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival. Co-produced by Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza, directed by Provenza and edited by Emery Emery, the film is based on hours of digital video taken over several years, featuring comedians and others in the know talking about and telling their versions of the joke. "The Aristocrats" was Johnny Carson's favorite joke. Because of this, and because Carson died days after the film was screened at Sundance, Penn Jillette decided to dedicate this film to his memory. The Aristocrats features performances and commentary from some of Hollywood's biggest power players in comedy, TV and film.[3]
Rumors cited in this film suggest that Chevy Chase used to hold parties at which the goal was to tell the joke for half an hour, without repeating any of the acts contained in its performance.[4]
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bvb
Social climber
flagstaff arizona
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Yep. The Aristocrats immediately came to mind when I read the title to this thread. Some great clips from it on YouTube, especially Kevin Pollack's impersionation of Christopher Walken doing the joke.
"And here's the kicker...grandma's dead."
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g-tech
Trad climber
Oakland!
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What's the last thing you wanna hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job?
I'm not Willie Nelson.
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Grampa
Trad climber
OC in So Cal
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I'll give this a try:
Guy walks into a bar carrying an aligator.
Plops the aligator up on the bar, then orders a double shot of the cheapest tequilla.
Guy pulls out his dick, hits the aligator on the head, guy sticks his dick in the aligators mouth, then hits the aligator on the head again.
Aligator chomps his mouth closed.
Guy shudders, picks up the glass and downs the tequilla.
Guy hits the aligator on the head again and it opens its mouth.
Guy turns around and says in a loud voice: "Anybody man enough to do this"
Little voice in the back says: "Yes, but don't hit me on the head"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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How did the necrophiliac's last relationship end?
The rotten cùnt split on him.
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howdy
Social climber
Donner Lake
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What did one gay mortician say to the other gay mortician?
Let's go in back and suck down a couple cold ones.
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Gary
climber
That Long Black Cloud Is Coming Down
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Feb 16, 2012 - 05:37pm PT
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What's the difference between the Catholic church and NAMBLA?
One is an organization run by creepy old perverts who like to diddle little boys.
The other one has no position regarding birth control.
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Gene
climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 05:40pm PT
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T-Ball stand pitches a perfect game at the Special Olympics.
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squishy
Mountain climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 06:14pm PT
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Why do Jews have big noses?
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Feb 16, 2012 - 06:35pm PT
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Because air is free!
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can't say
Social climber
Pasadena CA
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Feb 16, 2012 - 06:56pm PT
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Why is it so hard for a woman to have an orgasm?
Who Cares
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Feb 16, 2012 - 07:04pm PT
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Can't say I've ever heard that question before....
!~!~!~!~!~!~~!
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Jewish women are suckers for anything 25% off.
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G_Gnome
Trad climber
Pebble Wrestling.... Badly lately.
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Feb 16, 2012 - 07:21pm PT
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Grandpa - that might make a lot more sense if you amend the joke to say:
a cute little blond in the back said "I would like to try, but do you have to hit me on the head?"
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TwistedCrank
climber
Ideeho-dee-do-dah-day boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom
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Feb 16, 2012 - 07:29pm PT
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"Sister. Let me look up your dress."
"OK"
"Sure is a wonder"
"Sure is a wonder, what?"
"Sure is a wonder your guts don't fall out."
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bergbryce
Mountain climber
South Lake Tahoe, CA
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Feb 16, 2012 - 08:03pm PT
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<insert Sarah Palin joke here>
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Gene
climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 09:04pm PT
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Ya'll remember Christa McAuliffe, the teacher-astronaut who died in the Challeger disaster?
Her last words to her husband....
Honey, would you please feed the dog. I'll feed the fish.
{{rim shot}}
g
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squishy
Mountain climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 09:32pm PT
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epic lows I like it...
...
I got nothing again black people...
I think everyone should own one...
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Prod
Trad climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 10:00pm PT
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Whats 18" long, hard and makes a woman scream in the morning?
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 16, 2012 - 10:08pm PT
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I'll bite. What?
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squishy
Mountain climber
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Feb 16, 2012 - 10:37pm PT
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rottingjohnny
Sport climber
mammoth lakes ca
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Feb 16, 2012 - 10:47pm PT
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What do battered women have in common...? They don't know when to shut up...RJ
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Gary
climber
That Long Black Cloud Is Coming Down
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Feb 17, 2012 - 12:02am PT
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What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's mind?
The radiator.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 17, 2012 - 10:24am PT
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rectorsquid
climber
Lake Tahoe
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Feb 17, 2012 - 10:31am PT
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The divorce court judge says: "Why do you think she is crazy?'
Mickey Mouse replies: "I didn't say she was crazy. I said that she was f*#king goofy."
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jfailing
Trad climber
Lone Pine
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Feb 17, 2012 - 10:35am PT
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james Colborn
Trad climber
Truckee, Ca
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Feb 17, 2012 - 12:04pm PT
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what do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand.......... quatro sinko
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WBraun
climber
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Feb 25, 2012 - 11:08am PT
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"Americans are Stupid"
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Mar 27, 2012 - 08:25pm PT
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What’s worse than a dead skunk on your piano?
A diseased beaver on your organ.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 27, 2012 - 10:48pm PT
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Hardman! Where ya been? Or have I just missed recent posts?
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Mar 28, 2012 - 10:53am PT
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What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Mar 28, 2012 - 10:54am PT
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What did one sperm say to the other?
"How are you supposed to find an egg in all this sh1t?"
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Mar 28, 2012 - 11:52am PT
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Johntp - I pretty much stopped posting for a while due to the likes of Rajmit (aka Rimjob), Crowley, Rokjox, LEB, et al having free run of the place and driving people away.
I find these extremely narcissistic types to be Most Offensive, and that's no joke!
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 25, 2012 - 04:01pm PT
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Like the banker, the judge, and several other prominent men and women in town, the priest of this certain ville kept a flock of chickens for showing at the annual fair. He kept his handsome prize rooster in a small coop behind the rectory. He was very proud of his cock.
One Saturday evening, the priest discoverd that his prized bird was missing. He had recently heard rumors of cockfights being held in the town, so, shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass the following day.
So, after giving his sermon that Sunday morning, he looked out over the congregation and said, "Who among you will confess to sporting with a handsome c*#k?"
Most of the congregation stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who will confess to having seen a handsome c*#k?"
All the women in the congregation stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean,either. Who among you will confess to having seen a c*#k that doesn't even belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh, Lord," he said. Perhaps I should rephrase the question. Has anybody seen my handsome c*#k?"
Both of his altar boys stood up and all the choirboys as well.
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bookworm
Social climber
Falls Church, VA
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Sep 25, 2012 - 07:46pm PT
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billy: hey, johnny, my dad says i can take sex ed at school
johnny: eh, i don't need that crap; my brother taught me everything i need to know
billy: really? what did he say?
johnny: well, you know that patch of hair between a woman's legs? well, that's pussy
billy: really?
johnny: yep...and all the rest is bitch
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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Sep 25, 2012 - 08:29pm PT
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A young teenage girl wants to borrow daddy's car for the evening.
Daddy says, "You can borrow the car honey, but you know the rules."
She says, "Aw, daddy..."
"You know the rules..."
So she drops to her knees and services daddy, then borrows the car for the evening.
On Friday evening, the teenage girl wants to borrow daddy's car again.
Daddy says, "You can borrow the car honey, but you know the rules."
She says, "Aw, daddy..."
"You know the rules..."
So she drops to her knees and starts to service daddy.
She says, "Oh, this tastes like sh#t."
Daddy says, "Of course it does, honey, your brother borrowed the car this afternoon..."
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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Sep 25, 2012 - 08:30pm PT
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My wife has been missing for 2 weeks.
The police came by today and warned me to prepare for the worst.
So I went to Goodwill and bought back all of her clothes.
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cintune
climber
Midvale School for the Gifted
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Sep 25, 2012 - 10:18pm PT
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Why does Jerry Sandusky like having sex with twenty-eight-year-olds?
Because there's twenty of them.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Sep 25, 2012 - 10:26pm PT
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Oh, and there is such a thing as inoffensive jokes?
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snowhazed
Trad climber
Oaksterdam, CA
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Sep 26, 2012 - 12:29am PT
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A man is having sex with a woman from behind and she looks back at him and says "That's excruciating." He says "That's an awful big word for a 10 year old."
A man and a girl are walking through a forest at night. The girl says "Mr., this forest sure is creepy." He says "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk back alone."
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ATS
climber
Mountain Project
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Sep 26, 2012 - 04:44pm PT
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A man and a girl are walking through a forest at night. The girl says "Mr., this forest sure is creepy." He says "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk back alone."
That was a good one...
On a tombstone:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
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ATS
climber
Mountain Project
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Sep 26, 2012 - 04:46pm PT
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Bank Robbery In Minnesota!
A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to
load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota
customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers
face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation. He
then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the
bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
to afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole' from Minnesota
tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
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ATS
climber
Mountain Project
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Sep 26, 2012 - 04:48pm PT
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My favorite lawyer joke:
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Sep 26, 2012 - 05:08pm PT
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Most offensive jokes are funny, most inoffensive jokes are not.
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this just in
climber
north fork
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Sep 26, 2012 - 05:12pm PT
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What's the worst part about eating a girl out?
Chewing through the diaper.
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this just in
climber
north fork
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Sep 26, 2012 - 05:18pm PT
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
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this just in
climber
north fork
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Sep 27, 2012 - 03:34pm PT
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What do you call a black abortion clinic?
Crime Stoppers
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GDavis
Social climber
SOL CAL
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Sep 27, 2012 - 03:36pm PT
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I am a bit appalled by the anti-semetic humor, Anne frankly think you guys are sick.
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TFPU
Sport climber
Idaho
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Sep 27, 2012 - 03:42pm PT
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^^^^^^Lighten up, Francis
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TwistedCrank
climber
Dingleberry Gulch, Ideeho
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Sep 27, 2012 - 03:47pm PT
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A GI returns from the war with 5 dollars in his pocket.
Horny as hell he finds the first whore house he can.
Asks if there is anything available for 5 bucks. There is.
He goes to her room - when he enters the room and finds here lying there not moving with a spaced out look on her face.
Undeterred the GI hops on a pounds away.
After some time he notices that the girl is foaming at the mouth.
The GI freaks out and runs out of the room and informs the proprietor of her condition.
The proprietor responds "That's OK. Hey Joe. Run to the morgue and get another corpse. This one's full."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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"I couldn't find her head."
Whoa, I get it. Finally!
So, a German Shepherd comes home after a long day in the field, only to find his best friend in bed with his wife.
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The Hopper
Trad climber
orange county, ca
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What did the leper say to the hooker?
Keep the tip!
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zBrown
Ice climber
chingadero de chula vista
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What did Charles Whitman say to Walt Whitman?
However, lately (I cannot recall when it started) I have been a victim of many unusual and irrational thoughts
and
"A person could stand off an army from atop of it (the tower) before they got him."
one thing lead to another
Walt replied
If you done it, it ain't bragging.
Due to his status as a veteran Marine, Whitman was buried with full military honors and was laid to rest in a casket draped with the American flag
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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"You're a disobedient one, aren't you. I love it when you resist so much."
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ruppell
climber
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A grandson and grandpa are out fishing on the lake one morning. The grandpa pulls out a bottle of Jack and proceeds to take a swig.
Grandson "Hey Gramps can I have some whiskey?"
Grandpa "Can your dick touch your as#@&%e?"
Grandson "No"
Grandpa "Well then that's your answer"
A little while goes buy and the grandpa pulls out a cigar and lights it up.
Grandson "Hey Gramps can I have a puff of your cigar?"
Granpa "Can your dick touch your as#@&%e?"
Grandson "No"
Grandpa "Well then that's your answer"
After a few hours go buy the bottle of Jack is gone and Gramps is getting pretty hungry. Just then the Grandson pulls out a huge sandwich for lunch.
Grandpa "Hey Grandson can I have some of that sandwich?"
Grandson "Can your dick touch you as#@&%e?"
Grandpa "While yes. Yes it can."
Grandson "Well then go f*#k yourself!"
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Rock!...oopsie.
Trad climber
the pitch above you
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ruppell, thanks for the leadin
what's the difference between a joke and two dicks?
tioga can't take a joke.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.."
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frisbee
climber
{this page left blank intentionally}
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What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you racist.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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TwistedCrank
climber
Dingleberry Gulch, Ideeho
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Huh? I don't get it.
Jesus jokes aren't offensive.
WTF?
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Just thinking about ST Posters!
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Farouk
re:
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philo
Trad climber
Somewhere halfway over the rainbow
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Far-ouk isn't far off from a deactivation. And that's no joke.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jun 25, 2013 - 09:10am PT
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There was a young lady from Bangor.
An Aussie chap thought he might bang her.
Readied to make it Down Under,
He reckoned he’d made a huge blunder:
A Down East infection had wrecked his erection,
And he hadn’t a spare one, gosh dang her!
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thebravecowboy
Social climber
Colorado Plateau
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Jun 30, 2013 - 01:01am PT
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What's the difference between an epileptic corn-husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
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Onewhowalksonrocks
Mountain climber
In the middle of the ocean
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Jun 30, 2013 - 10:00am PT
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Ok Here is the show stopper.
A daughter asks her dad, "Can I use the car tonight"
Dad says " You know what to do"
The daughter pulls down his pants and says " There is sh#t on your dick"
Dad says "Oh I forgot your brother has the car tonight"
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AP
Trad climber
Calgary
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Jun 30, 2013 - 12:28pm PT
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Another very offensive joke:
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Chinaman?
A car thief who can't drive.
Plus:
What is the difference between a mountain guide and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance.
5 year old looks up at his father and asks "Dad whats a pervert?"
"Shut up kid and keep sucking"
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go-B
climber
Hebrews 1:3
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Jun 30, 2013 - 01:52pm PT
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Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”
And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’”
Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Aug 10, 2013 - 09:30pm PT
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What do Mrs. Claus & all of the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve when Santa is out delivering presents?
They go out to town and blow a few bucks :)
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TGT
Social climber
So Cal
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Aug 10, 2013 - 10:42pm PT
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how do you know when a blonde has had a bad day at the office?
She can't find her pencil, and
There's a tampon behind her ear
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squishy
Mountain climber
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Oct 24, 2013 - 01:11pm PT
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket late one night where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Oct 24, 2013 - 05:19pm PT
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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Oct 24, 2013 - 07:23pm PT
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An old trucker has never been laid, so his friends chip in and send him to the bordello. When he gets there, he picks a girl and they head to her room.
She says "what is it you want?"
He says "Well this my first time and I don't know. What do you suggest?"
She says "I am a professional god dammit and you need to tell me what you want. Straight, 69, round-the-world..."
"I'll take that 69, whatever that is"
She gets him in the right position and gets this horrible gas pain. Pretty soon she farts. Then she cuts another one.
After awhile she says "How do you like it so far?"
He says "What you're do in' down there is wonderful, but I can't take 67 more of those"
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 24, 2013 - 09:04pm PT
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A sport climber puts up two new world class routes.
Bolts - $25.00
Shoes - $125.00
Rope - $180.00
Two trees whacked -
Priceless
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clinker
Trad climber
California
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Oct 25, 2013 - 11:01pm PT
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Why is it so hard for the coroner to identify bodies in redneck country?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
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thebravecowboy
Social climber
Colorado Plateau
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clucks defiance, classic!
what's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
one shucks between fits
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jul 18, 2014 - 07:13am PT
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The note on the table read: "Dear Amy: I love you and while you've been a good wife, at 54 you don't satisfy my needs the way you used to. I want to be open with you so I want you to know I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18 year old secretary. I will be home around midnight."
The note on the table read: "Dear Tom: I truely appreciate your honesty! As you know I'm a math instructor at the local college. I too want to be open with you so I want you to know I will be at the Marriott with an 18 year old male student of mine. Being an executive in a very lucrative business I know you have good math skills. So you know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. I won't be home until tomorrow morning!"
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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Jul 18, 2014 - 06:54pm PT
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toilet paper recipe: brown on one side
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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Jul 18, 2014 - 06:58pm PT
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A guy goes sea kayaking with his spouse, her kayak capsizes and she is lost at sea.
The police show up at his house the next day, saying, "I'm sorry, sir, we have bad news, good news, and really good news."
"First, the bad news. We found your wife, drowned, at the bottom of the sea."
"Second, the good news. When we pulled her up, there were 25 king crabs attached to her, and you get half of the catch."
"Third, the really good news. We're pulling her up again tomorrow."
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Jingy
climber
Somewhere out there
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Jul 18, 2014 - 08:13pm PT
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The Aristocrats joke is a classic for a reason...
It hits all the classic points during the set up... But due to the fact that it is a classic it has unfortunately become cliche.. and so.... not funny.... But there are a few who can make the joke their own by embelishing the set up to taste...
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Jul 18, 2014 - 09:22pm PT
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"Pedophile.... That's an awfully big word for a 6-year old."
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Jul 18, 2014 - 10:09pm PT
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| Messages 1 - 86 of total 86 in this topic |
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