The Legend of Klaus

Discussion Topic

Return to Forum List

This thread has been locked

Messages 1 - 60 of total 60 in this topic

climber

NOT Fresno

Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 10, 2006 - 01:44am PT

- Klaus has 2 speeds - walk and kill.

God wanted 10 days to create the Earth. Klaus gave him 6.

Every year on his birthday, Klaus randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Klaus travelled back in time to save President Kennedy. He jumped in front of the Magic Bullet and destroyed it with his pecs. Kennedy was so amazed, his head exploded.

The Klaus family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.

Klaus named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Klaus, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Klausi.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Klaus and forgot to pay him back.

When Klaus was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Klaus!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Klaus could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Klaus can count backwards from infinity.

Klaus is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Klaus has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Klaus does not sleep. He waits.

Helen Keller's favourite color is Klaus.

It takes Klaus 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Klaus lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Klaus sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Klaus has not had to pay taxes ever.

WBraun

climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 01:47am PT

klausical

hobo

Trad climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 01:54am PT

Klaus went to a covenant in the mediterannean and had sex with all the nuns. They later gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated NFL team.

Klaus can make women orgasm simply by looking at them and saying, "boo-ya"

Holdplease2

Big Wall climber

Yosemite area

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:04am PT

Are we talking about the same Klaus here?

As I recall, all it took was boo.

-Kate.

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:05am PT

Von Klaus never answers questions - only represents them...

climber

NOT Fresno

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2006 - 02:12am PT

"As I recall, all it took was boo." WHOOOOOAAAAA!!!!

If you were to lock Klaus in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Klaus replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Klaus can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

You are what you eat. That is why Klaus's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Melissa

Gym climber

berkeley, ca

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:19am PT

He said "boo." Oh my...

WBraun

climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:21am PT

Even though Klaus was the ruler of the entire universe and in no danger from anyone or anything, was miserable because he was still a slave to own his senses.

WBraun

climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:29am PT

That was a tough one to swallow, eh :-)

WBraun

climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:35am PT

That ploy is old and will not work anymore ....... pleasent dreams.

WBraun

climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:45am PT

There's Eric and then there's klaus

Looks like I rattled the beast, and check out the last formating in your post.

look familiar? be careful ............

climber

Eastside

Jan 10, 2006 - 10:44am PT

Always wondered why the dude soloed so much.

Now I know...

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 10, 2006 - 11:14am PT

this is one of the best laughs I've had from a post in a long time. It was goood... real gooood... right up until Kate said "boo". sprayed my screen with coffee i did

climber

NOT Fresno

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2006 - 11:29am PT

Edit: Egads! A fake klaus!

I love it! You know, I'm just rewording Chuck Norris jokes. Hobo knows. Watch:

Klaus invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Klaus coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Klaus played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Klaus is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh#t.

When Klaus plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

A man once asked Klaus if his real name is "Eric." Klaus did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Minerals

Social climber

The Deli

Jan 10, 2006 - 12:22pm PT

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 12:23pm PT

Klaustomy Bag...

hobo

Trad climber

Jan 10, 2006 - 12:38pm PT

Klaus can touch MC hammer.

Klaus also ate three large pizzas from the pizza deck in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

Mary Prankster

Social climber

Bumphuque, Eqypt

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:21pm PT

Ah... finally came out of the klauset

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:26pm PT

He swilled OE with the Dali Lama too

Loom

climber

167 stinking feet above sea level : (

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:37pm PT

Deli Lama more like it.

TradIsGood

Trad climber

Gunks end of country

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:41pm PT

Dolly Llama?

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 10, 2006 - 03:07pm PT

Now Klaus, I know you have the informal no questions policy, but what the hell is the rig with the long wires swaged to angles at the bottom of this first photo...?

climber

Eastside

Jan 10, 2006 - 03:10pm PT

Hmmm I've never met Klaus but hat last picture kind of looks like Michael Douglas, pouty lower lip and all. True?

pc

lazide

Big Wall climber

Bay Area, CA

Jan 10, 2006 - 03:22pm PT

healyje: they look like LA's, not angles to me - maybe tuning forks with swaged keeper cables?

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:30pm PT

Eric,

What's it gonna take to pry one or two simple answers out of you, multiple ebay sales?

Deb Wolfe

climber

Durtongne

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:41pm PT

Twelve years? Must remember to stay away from JT parking lot.

Minerals

Social climber

The Deli

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:42pm PT

Joseph, a case of the truth serum is all that it takes.

Those are my tuning forks with cable keeper slings, as Lazide noted – for removing old bolts.

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:49pm PT

Oh, Theron was kind enough to make me up a couple of those for replacing anchors out at Beacon but haven't used them yet - good to see how you have them setup. And Lazide, thanks as well. So was this shot from a cleanup mission?

mark miller

Social climber

Reno

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:49pm PT

Hey Minerals do you want to poor some green labels this week. I'll buy, you open and you can check out my new Gibson.

Minerals

Social climber

The Deli

Jan 10, 2006 - 04:58pm PT

No cleanup mission… Yosemite Point… just a new variation/route that shared some pitches with older routes… some minor bolt replacement… got a sweet Harding hanger out of the deal…

Yeah, Mark... Sounds good. MmmmmmmmBeeeeer...

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 09:11pm PT

SO on with this damn J tree argument I WANT A CONCLUSION!!

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 09:24pm PT

What the hell was that link for? are you drunk? haha

Im talking about this:

"No offense Doug but you obviously don't remember what happened. "

and

"yeah... I do remember. I know for a fact that you parked in Mike's spot. When he returned to claim his spot you were not happy to have to move. why you came looking for me I do not know. I didn't imagine my reasons for hiding. "

Now what story do YOU remember...I wanna know who's is more ridiculous

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 09:28pm PT

"Many years later klaus rolled into HVCG" Im hoping HVCG means Hidden Valley Camp Ground

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 09:36pm PT

does living in flagstaff suck?

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 10, 2006 - 09:45pm PT

whatever dude the pacific ocean is like 100 feet away from my house! And secret boulders are a walk away as well.
Not to mention yosemite like 4 hours away. I just dont remember flagstaff that well. But whatever dude juust asking

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 11, 2006 - 01:12am PT

i honestly don't understand how any of that was harrasment. I guess you thought it was so I just deleted it all.

bulgingpuke

Trad climber

cayucos california

Jan 11, 2006 - 01:32am PT

is that a metal head mohawk in that one picture with the beer?

Damnit nature...now since you deleted all your post i look like some mental case posting a bunch of posts in a row.

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 11, 2006 - 04:05am PT

Eric,

I know, I know, but are these babies yours or does anyone recognize who made them...?

The only other question I really have is what your solo rig is like and I don't mind coming down and plying you with as much Olde E and smoke as it takes to get it, but didn't want to then find out it requires something, well, peculi.. - no no, I mean unique and innovative - that I'd then have to acquire somehow before giving it a whirl. I'm comfortable with the system I use and am reasonably fast with it but I'm always open to improvement and you obviously have some sort of rig that just flat out works. After reading some of your Chongo commentary and briefly perusing his locker-laden tome I suspect you tend to keep things pretty simple and straightforward without a lot of dicking around, but then hey, I've been surprised before...

imnotclever

climber

Jan 11, 2006 - 09:14am PT

healyje,

look here Hey, you even posted here.

But then he sold his silent partner

I only remeber this because I thought about buying it. I'm only stalking Kate. ;)

healyje

Trad climber

Portland, Oregon

Jan 11, 2006 - 09:23am PT

Imnotclever,

Ah, Kate's "rubberband" post. I do remember that thread now that you link to it, but I'm not sure I understood Klaus = Eric back then what with all the hoopla of Deucy's auctions so thanks much for posting that back up. Eric, sounds like you've gone through the same machinations as the rest of us looking for something better. But hey, if you're around when I make it down I'd still love to buy you a beer if for nothing else than for the Reid typo that made me think you were a another old guy of Porter's vintage...

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 11, 2006 - 09:52am PT

I hold no grudge against Eric and I never did. I'm not sure how my story got interpreted that way. Same goes the other way for him from everything I can tell.

All I was saying is I met him 12 or so years ago - a bunch of us had a very nice chat on top of cyclops. Right before New years 2000 in JTree he rolls in. Exactly why he parked in Mike's site I don't know. Now it should be noted that I had taken on myself to squat sites - Tad probably helped. It wasn't the - put water jug on table and call it yours BS. Rather if someone showed up needing a spot to park I'd give them my extra parking space that was saved for my gf (arriving late) and when another site opened (and I knew when sites were opening) they'd moved there. Everyone knew I was doing it.

Perhaps what happened is that when klaus was informed he had to move someone said "ask doug, he's in charge of the sites, maybe he can find you one" or some such.

I'm not going to argue any point of what happened that night except one. I very vividly remember klaus asking "where's doug" as I watched from afar in the rocks next to camp. I was scared. Klaus was pretty drunk at that point so if he doesn't remember that no big deal.

Now... the funny part of the story (which is what I was flippin' trying to tell!) is that I just figured he had it out for me. I mentioned something on this forum about that. He emailed me personally and told me there was no truth to him having it out for me. He recounted the story for me in the email. I tried to do the same. Versions are not the same.

Ty - you're not? ;-P Sorry to be kinda short in my response to "why Flagstaff?". The way you asked the question was a little terse - I responded the same (sorry). That's cool you live by the Pacific Ocean. I use to live in southern california and in Humboldt. I miss the PO. Flagstaff has a ton of rock and really nice weather and that's why I live hear. It's a 4.5 hour drive to Zion, 5 hours to Indian Creek, four hours to Red Rocks, five hours to JTree. I could go on (and on and on). Another thing I really enjoy and love about Flagstaff and AZ is we all seem to do our own thing w/o getting upset too much about bolting issues and the like. Our lands are state trust or BLM not NPS, etc. Makes for a much more chill place. And I can't even begin to tell you how much untouched rock there is in this state.

did this post harrass anyone or did I come off like a jerk? I hope not. Again, I was hoping to relate a story that I find funny. No offense was ever intended. And geezz.... ya'll have seen more than enough of my posts - when it's time to rip someone there's no hiding it.

Should this post also self destruct?

cheers,
Doug

Jobee

Social climber

El Portal

Jan 11, 2006 - 11:39am PT

I've just witnessed a "Klausifixion" via the cyber/deli.

As the Fish would say in the ole days:
"Klaus has been known to take a drink!"

If you ask me Mr. Douglas doesn't hold a candle to Klaus...that guy can't get above his gear.

thebravecowboy

Social climber

Colorado Plateau

Oct 23, 2013 - 02:37am PT

wait, so Klaus is really just baby WBraun? Photos seem so.

Bargainhunter

climber

Oct 23, 2013 - 03:08am PT

Love those American death triangle quadraheads Healyje. Good for horizontal seams esp. under roofs, but if you are bold you can use them as bidirectional anchors on vertical seams too. ;)

j-tree

Big Wall climber

Classroom to crag to summer camp

Oct 26, 2013 - 12:31am PT

I met Klaus at the Reel Rock showing in SF and I think I weirded him out when I said "You're Eric Kohl, I love you!"

WBraun

climber

Oct 26, 2013 - 12:31am PT

The Klausinator shreds again ......

Wade Icey

Trad climber

www.alohashirtrescue.com

Oct 26, 2013 - 12:37am PT

there are no rangers in international waters

Klaus

ß Î Ø T Ç H

Boulder climber

extraordinaire

Oct 26, 2013 - 01:41am PT

OP had it right. F*#k everything down-thread from there, including this post.

bringmedeath

climber

la la land

Oct 26, 2013 - 01:46am PT

Those heads have way too much wire sticking out the tops! Doubt Klaus would f*#k that up. Let alone place shrink wrap on swages...

Nicropress doesn't crimp the smalls swages that way either...

chez

Social climber

chicago ill

Oct 26, 2013 - 01:57am PT

I love how Jo silenced the critics for 7 yrs.
Klaus, thats a sad 1st ascent, Brah. Now off to Billy's deck.

Vitaliy M.

Mountain climber

San Francisco

Dec 25, 2013 - 06:35pm PT

Klaus still does FA's. Here's an unrepeated boulder problem called "Surf's up, as#@&%e"

Stuff that's 10 ft high is considered bouldering? New generation of whipper-snappers....pffffftt..

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Klaus and forgot to pay him back.

When Klaus was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Klaus!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

This is really good, gotta give it up to OP. He took ballcupping to the limit! ahahaha

MH2

climber

Dec 25, 2013 - 07:33pm PT

On the subject of questions: why didn't Supertopo pack up and go home after that OP?

Jaybro

Social climber

Wolf City, Wyoming

Dec 25, 2013 - 10:55pm PT

¿Santa Klaus?

Captain...or Skully

climber

Dec 25, 2013 - 10:58pm PT

I hear it's a myth.....Klaus who?

;-)

Clint Cummins

Trad climber

SF Bay area, CA

Mar 3, 2015 - 01:03am PT

It looks like all of klaus's posts are gone.
Another longtime contributor gone from supertopo.
(Not that there aren't better things to do...).

Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber

Out Of Bed

Mar 4, 2015 - 03:52pm PT

where oh where has this azzbad badazz gone oh where oh where could he Be??

ms55401

Trad climber

minneapolis, mn

Mar 4, 2015 - 05:28pm PT

I hope he sold his truck, because that would be cool. Using the Taco to sell his Taco, then leaving both forever.

Exit the Taco.

there's genius to that