Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
bmacd
Trad climber
Grade V, Level III certified Kook 100% Canadian
|
|
|
Sep 22, 2010 - 06:45pm PT
|
Paul, go easy on yourself man. I'm making an appointment to get a few things checked out because of your thread.
Best wishes
Bruce
|
|
Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Sep 22, 2010 - 06:59pm PT
|
Thanks for the buck up camper. Resting today. Will tour the Valley tomorrow.
Pix from healthier times. Me on some FFA's.
|
|
Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
|
|
|
Sep 22, 2010 - 06:59pm PT
|
werd man
dying means you ARE still very much ALIVE!!!
"Not because it is easy or convienent. But because it is hard and scary and forces me to face fear, not cower from pain."
fuk yeah, that's the spirit!
A quote from the meister...
"climbing should be like shitting an anvil" -Dingus Milktoast
you sir, are a climber getting out there!!
|
|
dustonian
climber
RRG
|
|
|
Sep 22, 2010 - 07:47pm PT
|
Great courage in posting this thread Paul. Best wishes to you and for a speedy recovery.
|
|
donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
|
|
|
Sep 22, 2010 - 09:02pm PT
|
Wonderful post Paul. it takes shots across the bow messages to get people, guy's in particular, to take notice. Look forward to seeing you and Ruth in IC.
|
|
Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
|
|
|
Sep 22, 2010 - 11:23pm PT
|
paul--
like all on ST i'm sure, i'm much affected by your situation and touched by your bravery. this thread and the poetry thread have told us much about you. you've been a fine climber, you're a fine boyfriend, and i'm sure all who know you feel for you and would do all they could--if they could.
but things are getting worse, predictably so, and we wouldn't be good friends if we didn't try to face that with you. all i can offer are a couple of things, and they're related, including the poems below by another fellow, a special fellow, which i dug out of my library.
if you've bummed around on some of the other ST threads, you've probably seen me sparring on religious subjects and on the paranormal. i'm not a conventional believer, but i also don't believe that annihilation comes with death. i've seen evidence, both in my own experience and in the experiences of others, that we go on somehow. life is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and as climbers i think we probably do better with it than a lot of other people. but it doesn't last forever.
i've been to a couple memorials this year for climbers, rather unexpected ones, for people i didn't know real well. it just chanced that way, and it seemed significant. these memorials meant more to me than any standard funeral i've ever been to. they were more of a real celebration of someone's good life, and a sharing of the love everyone felt, though not without heart-tugging. i know we go on after we die, and if you've had any inkling of that, i suggest you try to focus on it with that thoughtfulness that your poetry reveals. be close to those who love you so much, especially ruth there. i doubt you have to prove anything to her.
my friend the late robert stanford was a jolly fellow, a regular guy, and often the life of the office with his erudite sense of humor, when i worked for berlitz translation service. bob had been in the navy and was a professor of german language at the naval academy, then cal lutheran, and finally just translating for berlitz. i remember a couple of droll gems he came up with during office banter which will tell you what a delightful fellow he was:
 (for an impromptu metaphor-mixing contest) "a hand in the bush makes the heart grow fonder."
in jest one day, to the smartest woman in an office full of smart people: "you vacuous twit!"
his humor had a way of buoying everyone. he was a linguist, though never much of a writer, until ...
bob came down with melanoma. his scottish genes and red hair didn't fare well in the southern california sun. he fought it every inch of the way and we admired his spirit and heroism and good humor until the end. but as the end inevitably neared, he developed a sense for what comes next. it was uncanny--the last person you would expect it from, just a regular guy and not religious at all. but he seemed to sense that the end wasn't the end, and he started writing poems about it:
When I shall leave you for a little while,
Start out bravely with a gallant smile,
Do not grieve or shed wild tears
And carry your sorrow through the years.
For my sake, and for my name,
Love on, and do all things the same;
Do not waste your life on empty days,
But fill each living hour in useful ways.
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I shall wait for you in the sky.
"The Need to Let Go"
The times that we have shared together
Can never be taken away.
But memories are light as a feather
Floating on some other day.
Nothing stays changeless forever,
We grow, blossom and die,
And we'll never recapture, no, never,
The light in a lost friend's eye.
So your love and your life are for living,
Let go, and try not to yearn,
For the gifts that you have are for giving,
And the gifts that you gave will return.
|
|
Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Sep 23, 2010 - 10:55am PT
|
(wish ST had spell check)
Tony,
Wow, you made ruth and I cry, in a wonderful way.
There are no coincidences. We read your post just after finishing a discusion about loss and endings. I have no fear of the afterlife. As I told my preacher daddy, I have a Quiet Blasphamous Faith. It makes sense to me, but is so personal that it need not be told. As my favorite philosopher said, the way that can be told is not the way.
My angst comes from a feeling of loss. A loss of health. I have been very angry at the loss of my strength. But that atitude fostors only a poisoned feeling in me. This can not stand.
It occured to me, strangely about the same time you were writting your post, that instead of anger, I really should feel grateful. Grateful that I once had a healthy body that alowed me to be a Bad Ass. Many people are born into this world in a diminished corpse. They will never be able to do the things I, we as climbers, are able to. My body was strong enough to carry my soul up. I am blessed to have had a window of time when I had high adventures, made my own way.
I am calling my new outlook "The Gratitude Attitude". Its the coin flipped to the other side. I feel better thinking about things this way. I hope it lasts.
It is tragic in a way that these bad-ass lessons hit us often near the end, or in the midst of increadible pain.
But like my dad said once, no one learns anything by being comfortable. In fact those in comfort often seek only to maintain that bubble. Pop the bubble. Step out into the void and fall if you must. It will wake you up.
We are off to tour the valley today, maybe TR something.
Life is a trip, hard, rediculous, joyful and sorrow filled. I regret trials and tribulations only while in them. Once through them, I always find out that I have grown, I have expanded, and I have continued.
Climbing on,
Paul and Ruth
|
|
Maysho
climber
Soda Springs, CA
|
|
|
Sep 23, 2010 - 02:18pm PT
|
Hey Paul,
Peter Mayfield here, I have met you a couple of times, once at Trinity Aretes on July 4th, you were in recovery from your tree fall, and the next year at Lost Rocks, I had a bunch of high school kids bouldering with Matt DeShazo.
Your posts and attitude on your current situation are an inspiration. I hope for you and yours all the best through this challenging time.
Also have to chime in enthusiastically on the great climbing in Bigfoot country. I try to make a trip up there for the steep limestone each year, looking forward to checking out Cecilville next.
Take Care,
Peter
|
|
ncrockclimber
climber
NC
|
|
|
Sep 23, 2010 - 03:16pm PT
|
Paul.
You inspire me. Thank you for posting.
Sincerely,
Charles
|
|
scuffy b
climber
Eastern Salinia
|
|
|
Sep 23, 2010 - 04:53pm PT
|
Thanks for your writing, Paul.
It really feels like we're being given a special gift.
I can't give you anything but my best wishes, and you have them, of course.
|
|
em kn0t
Trad climber
isle of wyde
|
|
|
Sep 23, 2010 - 08:19pm PT
|
Paul,
You writings and photos are a profound inspiration in so many ways. It reminds me of four friends who have all survived long past their "terminal" diagnoses with the big C (different types than yours: multiple myeloma, pancreatic and two with brain tumors). I think it's a credit not only to advanced medical technology but also to a strong and vibrant will to live, which you obviously have in large measure.
I've been reading a book which you may find helpful: "Still Here" by Ram Dass, which talks about his mental/spiritual adjustment after he was paralyzed by a stroke, as well as challenges that we all will go through as we and our loved ones age, change and ultimately pass on.
"Understanding that we are something -- that's unchangeable, beautiful, completely aware, and that continues no matter what, really helps."
--Ram Dass, from "Still Here"
Warm wishes for healing on all levels. And thanks for shining a light for the rest of us.
Climb on,
Em
|
|
Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
|
|
|
Sep 24, 2010 - 09:21am PT
|
curious as to who that favorite philosopher is, paul. and i for one would like to hear more about your dad the preacher, your dialogue with him, and this quiet blasphemous faith, which sounds a lot like mine.
i hate to juxtapose this with some good news i had last week, but i visited my dermatologist and he couldn't find much wrong. he cut out a shallow cancer i had on my chest five years ago, so i'm back for annual checkups, essential when you've gotten into this sensitized condition. i'd like to offer some further advice, since he's a pretty good dermatologist and a fellow skier who loves the outdoors and sympathizes with the dangers of exposure.
the important thing, and i'm afraid i got it by cross-examining him this last meeting, is to reapply that damn sunblock every 2-3 hours when you're out in the bright. he really questions those all-day or even 8-hour claims. what a pain in the ass that is, especially if you're climbing. i try to bring along a small package of those things they use to wipe baby's butts--you have to get the sunblock off your palms to get back to climbing again.
remember, the rays generally hit you from above. top of your head, chest, upper back, shoulders, face, and don't forget ears. these are our battle zones with dear old sole mio. they make good clothing these days, high SPF fabric. invest in a state-of-the-art hat. arabs survive the sahara with heavy robes, dark skin, thick hair. be like an arab.
|
|
Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Sep 28, 2010 - 05:40pm PT
|
A quick update from a free wi-fi spot in Moab UT:
Went to sushi fest in Indian Creek. Fun!
And.......
I got my ass up SUPERCRACK. Had to hang several times (TR) since I am very weak and have no lungs left. Also, the back pain, wah wah, wah. But I made it to the chains!
One of the biggest efforts in my life. The moves were fine, just sick, I guess. On to Colorado!
|
|
phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
|
|
|
Sep 28, 2010 - 05:53pm PT
|
Hello Paul-
I've been following the story of your journey and just wanted to send some love the way of you and your dear ones.
Phyl
|
|
Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
|
|
|
Sep 28, 2010 - 05:55pm PT
|
I admire and keep cheering for the spirit within you that LIVES today. Too many wast time living in the past or working exclusively for the future. The glass is half full today, and you still find joy in your life. Many very privileged people miss all the joy that is completely within their grasp to whine about what they don't have.
I watched my mom die - fighting all the way, but completely at peace. She treasured the ordinary in life. Hours before she died, she totally enjoyed her grand daughter climbing on the bed begging her to read one more book to her.
Thanks
|
|
Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
|
|
|
Sep 28, 2010 - 07:59pm PT
|
"I got my ass up SUPER CRACK"
You my friend are the MASTER!
Best to you and Ruth.
|
|
Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
|
|
|
Sep 28, 2010 - 08:13pm PT
|
Paul: So glad to see that you and Ruth hit both Yosemite and Indian Creek.
Congrats for doing the trip and climbing Super Crack!
|
|
nature
climber
Whereverland....
|
|
|
Sep 29, 2010 - 10:20pm PT
|
it was great seeing you again after all these years. Hang in there bro. I'm so glad you made it east to be a part of a special event. Enjoy the rest of the journey.
peace,
doug
|
|
rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
|
|
|
Sep 30, 2010 - 10:58pm PT
|
Hey Paul and Ruth...thinking of you. Keep on keeping on.
|
|
donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
|
|
|
Sep 30, 2010 - 11:01pm PT
|
One of my finest moments in climbing was being a part of Paul's Super Crack climb- his ascent was truly inspirational, let's climb together again- soon!
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!