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Lost Arrow
Trad climber
The North Ridge of the San Fernando
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Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 1, 2010 - 09:35am PT
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For the last month I have been trying to beat my depression with will power alone. This is not working, I cannot sleep, I grow more fatigued each day and start thinking dark thoughs.
I have family mememeber telling me to just snap out of it. I wish it was that easy.
Its like getting up a climb without the necessary strenght to do the moves.
I had to call in sick to work as I sleept 1 hour.
Whats the next step I need to take. New Doctor. Hospital.
I am starting to give up hope.
A little compassion and suggestions would be very nice.
Juan
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Paulina
Trad climber
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Don't give up! Go see a doctor, yes, but also - go climbing if you can at all!
Exercise and fresh air = endorphins = happier, healthier mind.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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I agree with Paulina. There is light on the other side of depression and it's not that far away.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Exercise for sure, they also make meds for that...
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ME Climb
Social climber
Behind the orange Curtain
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My wife has been suffering with depression for a few years. The death of her father, financial stress, changing body chemistry, dealing with an accident where a pedestrian was struck and killed, and several other things have not improved her condition. It got to the point where she became suicidal. Depression is not something you can smap out of. The people who tell you that don't understand the depth of the problem. I thought I did, but now I know I didn't have the slightest idea of how bad it is, and how the depression feeds on itself. The best analogy I can see is depression is cancer of the mind. It keeps eating away at all the good feelings and cosumes them until there is nothing left but the bad thoughts.
Her recovery began by speaking with her doctor. He recommended medication and counseling/ therapy. The meds to several months to get worked out. The first medication helped with some depression, but made her feel like she was using meth. Ultimate result was this led to increased depression. She has tried several meds until they finally got the right med and dosage. She ended up in out patient therapy and out of work for several weeks. She continues to see a counselor.
It has been a long frustrating road for us that has caused untold stress on us. She is healing and continuing to make progress. I no longer worry about what I will come home to find. She still has her bad days but not like before.
My recommendation is see a doctor, get therapy, find the right meds (if that is what is needed), stay active, make sure you don't withdraw, ask for help, and build your support system. If paying for doctors and therapy is an issue make sure you check with your local social services agency and see what resources are available.
You are not alone and help is out there. If you need anything feel free to contact me.
Eric
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slevin
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Do whatever it takes to beat it! Go see a doctor and get medication if you think it's will help. Get laid, even if you have to pay for it. Excersize. Communicate. You can get through it and you will be as good as new once it's over!
PS. I am not a depressive kind, but I always felt that depression gotta be one of the most difficult deseases to beat. For starters, most people do even not think it's a real problem and are dismissive. In addition, even the doctors don't really know much about treating it.
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Anxious Melancholy
Mountain climber
Between the Depths of Despair & Heights of Folly
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Juan, depression sucks, but remember that you are not alone. Being depressed and feeling alone has got to be one of the worse places to be. Both here on ST and in the real world, there are people who care, and who you can connect with. In my experience, both professional and companion understanding, compassion, and communication will help you find a path forward. My darkest day was when I fully gave in to the idea that I suffered from depression. It was if I was swallowed up in a big black hole, one with no bottom, and I found myself tumbling down into a bottomless darkness. But you know what? It also turned out to be the one of that allowed me to ultimately experience a more vibrant life. In desperation and for the first time I opened up to those that were reaching out to me, realizing that others cared, and ultimately that I can positively impact the lives of others around me. These things became more luminously and clearly important, and gave my life a hitherto unrealized anchor and relevance. We care about you, others care about you, and you have an as yet unrealized potential to experience the miraculous world around you, and positively influence those you come in contact with.
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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Lost Arrow - Just know that you are not alone and that as long as you are alive you can change... Things will change.
Take a moment to have some wonder of life itself.
There are no secrets to overcoming your Depression. There is the will to live and if there is a spark you can get the flame going again. Step back. Take a look at the big picture.
Don't give up. The fog will lift
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mark miller
Social climber
Reno
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Depression....You think your tough and can snap out off it. No way, it's like a swirling drain that keeps sucking you down further.
Get Quality medical help, Immediately.
I thought I could beat it with Spring here, but I was getting to dark. I went back on Cymbalta Monday and within 12 hours I felt like a dark veil was removed and I could deal with everything....Not much work, Bills, the world was crushing in on me and I didn't even have the energy to play guitar. I didn't realize how I bad I was, Tuesday morning my wife says " Welcome Back", scary sh#t.
Get good help stat.
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Rhodo-Router
Gym climber
Green Cove slabbage BITD!
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People care about you. They do. Try not to lose sight of this fact.
Eric's beta is good, in that all aspects of treatment are helpful ,especially in combination with one another. 20-30 min/day of repetitive motion exercise, talk therapy, drugs for a while while things are really bad, support from your community, sunshine- the more you do these things, the better off yer gonna be.
Don't check out now. OK?
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Off White
climber
Tenino, WA
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Having to take drugs to level out your brain chemistry is not a moral failing, so don't feel like willpower alone should suffice. Willpower works when what you're facing is a choice, but I'm sure your condition is not of your own choosing. Go see your doctor, the sooner the better.
best wishes for you
Off
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bluNgoldhornet6
Big Wall climber
Tampa, Fl
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Welcome Juan!!! it seems like the ST forum is overfilling with people with that suffer from depression. This may be why we all do the climbing thing after all... Anyway bro talk to a Doc and a Therapist it is the only way you will get relief.
Yeah snapping out of it is not possible, but i do understand how the other person feels and it can get frustrating. Stay positive, understand you have a serious medical condition, take the meds and ask questions. you may even find it amazing how many posts in the forum there are about us suffering from depression.
Before you go to the Doc to research on some meds like Pristique, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta. These medications have websites that you can go to and take a sort of depression test about symptons the results may very but it is also very helpful to bring up and discuss with your doc.
Depression sux! Please take seriously.
Cheers!
Matt
You will be back on top one day. Good luck!
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Largo
Sport climber
The Big Wide Open Face
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"There is nothing else that will help, it is just your brain chemistry, not lack of will power, weekness of personality, a depressing situation, or any mental problem."
This has never been the case and still isn't.
There are many effective means of dealing with all of these issues. Meds are one, but you never get something for nothing with these.
JL
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Thomas
Trad climber
The Tilted World
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Does anyone get through depression through sheer will power?
I have always been fascinated with how different individuals deal with difficult situations.
I would appreciate hearing from folks that have worked through depression in a healthy manner, came out on the other side feeling whole, and did NOT take medication. Some folks need it, others may not.
Thanks for putting this out there. It helps me to remember a quote from Plato:
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
Much respect, everyone.
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Prezwoodz
climber
Anchorage
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Hey Juan its true your not alone buddy but those of us on the internet are no substitute for life either. Ive suffered long bouts of depression...one seemed to last about 2 years but I didn't need any drugs because I changed my life. Thats not to say it'll work for everyone but it worked for me. Heres what I did the first time.
1. Left the internet. This seems stupid to most people I tell, I don't how much time you spend on the computer so this may not be for you but I was playing games and chatting all day long. Heck I really just moved my life to the computer and when I had problems it was on the computer I went to try and get them fixed. Only it doesn't work like that, we need real people in our life to talk to.
2. Went exploring. This included in the mountains, climbing, kung fu, and many things I still do. Some didn't work. I took many trips into the mountains alone before I realized I wanted to keep coming home. I started drawing and writing. Somehow the writing kept me grounded on the worst nights, I wrote more then ever on them.
3. Changed my relationship. I realized I wasn't happy in it and it took a long time to figure that out. It was hard, but necessary.
The second time was more difficult in many was. I was climbing, traveling and should have been enjoying life but just wasn't, plus I wanted to punch anyone who told me to "knock it off" or "it happens to everyone sometimes, its normal" I didn't give a damn about who else it happened to. It didn't help me any. The key was that I had to take those things that were causing it out of my life, many I didn't even really know I had until I started to change them. For you, I think its the pills, it seems you want to kick them and that is good if you think you are ready. But you have to remember why you are doing it as well and the worst thing you can do is be depressed at being depressed. You haven't done anything wrong, you don't deserve to be depressed but to some of us we don't always seem to have the choice. Its our will that drives us through. When were gone people may mourn, they will miss us and that will fill an emptyness but not for ourselves. We will be gone and missed the only chance we had to be happy.
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Nutter
climber
Europe
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I've been there myself, and man, it sucks! I really feel for you.
The worst for me was the "snap out of it" crowd, I hated them and they made me feel like sh!t. Worst thing is, before my own depression, I used to be one of them myself...
For me, (a little) medication combined with counseling worked. I also started doing things I like doing more, climbing, hiking, walking in the woods. I got up from that couch, even though it was hard. I got pills that helped me fall asleep, and that was golden. Sleep, for me, was key. I still get bad days, but not like before. The most important aspect I found, regarding counseling, was that the counselor was an outsider, someone I didn't know, who didn't know me, and in a sense didn't give a sh#t about me, but took me seriously.
Take care, and remember: There is light on the other side of depression and it's not that far away
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10k
Trad climber
Portland, OR
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I have had depression for a long time (decades?) but didn't get treatment until 3 years ago. After that I had the energy and desire to change my life and do thing I wanted. I started climbing (yay), moved to a new location, and now I am going back to school. It took me a long time to go to the doctor and say that I have depression and that I wanted help, partly because of the social stigma with depression. Stigma like a person is weak if he cannot fix this on his own, and all the people who just don't understand what it means for unhappiness to be the norm.
The good news is you can get drugs prescribed directly by your primary doctor - no referral is needed in most cases. Depression is common enough that they will give you drugs to keep you from going over the edge while you also get counseling. I never liked counseling because I couldn't seem to cry to a total stranger, and that there wasn't a single thing or bunch of things that bothered me - I was just unhappy - but after a few tweaks in drugs and dosage, I can say I am much happier and feel like I can go and do things. It does take about 2 weeks for the drug to start working and if it doesn't you will usually talk to your doctor again and try another one or another dosage.
Get help. It's the only way.
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Prezwoodz
climber
Anchorage
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Dr. F, I think it would be best if you just stopped posting in this thread since your really not helping. In fact the pretentious nature of your post is frustration and I hope that you don't actually try to help people in this manner outside of the internet.
I felt dead, didn't really care what happened. I wanted to ask my friends for help but could only do so, we are seen as weak with such a situation. I didn't really hate anything but myself, but I didn't really care either. It was a null feeling and it felt the most dangerous to my mind since I couldn't figure out what we worth hanging around for when I no longer had anything to feel? This went on for years, personally I couldn't give a crap if you labeled me or Juan as depressed. What do you know? Juan's trying to make it in life on his own will telling his brain to make what it needs to keep going and it had damn well better make it good! I think its a great idea but I think if your feeling depressed then something is missing, look real hard Juan and try to find what that is!
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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For once, I strongly agree with Dr. F's advice: get professional help. While Largo is right (as usual) -- not all depression is the same, and not all responds to the same treatment -- depression is not something you can easily diagnose or treat yourself.
I have dealt with depression since 1994. Mine was entirely endogenous -- nothing on the outside caused it. In fact, the first symptoms manifested themselves when everything was going well. I mistakenly thought that I must be an adreneline junkie having withdrawals from risk. Not so. Mine was what Dr. F describes -- a chemical imbalance.
I've been very fortunate in that medication worked perfectly for me. Its only side effects have been vivid (and exceedingly entertaining) dreams -- and phenomenal recovery. While I was depressed, and before I got professional help, I did (or mostly failed to do) enough to cause any objective person sufficient grief to cause exogenous depression, but family, friends and professionals all helped that recovery.
As others have said, you are not alone. A great many climbers suffer from depression and don't hide it. I'm available to talk, email, or do anything else I can to help anyone who is suffering from depression, or the people who care about them.
John
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Depression is such a life sucking activity - attack it on all fronts. Yes, some beat it without drugs and some don't. The mind and body are very connected. They can spiral up or down together.
Many suggestions are very good to help with depression and are constructive anyway. Exercise and caring for another living being affects your body chemistry, and improves your life. I was amazed to see how much improvement happened to my daughter's depression as she took care of a stray animal. Taking care of my little kids helped me. You need a purpose to getting out of bed and going through the motions of life.
Surround yourself with positive people. That is the one suggestion I have that is new compared to the very good suggestions others had.
Recognizing that you are depressed, saying so out loud, and allowing people to help you are very positive steps. That one was very powerful for me, too. Suffering in silence gyps people of the opportunity to help you. SOmeday, you will be able to pay it forward.
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Bronwyn
Trad climber
Not of This World
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Juan, you are NOT alone. Depression is real, and it hurts. Bad.
Get to a health care provider ASAP. There is nothing wrong with using some meds to get through this. Sometimes you have to try more than one. I was good on the first one for several months,and then one day I was even worse off than before. I called my MD, she changed my scrip, and the second med (Wellbutrin) worked wonderfully. Depression meds are not a "happy pill" as some seem to think. The right one will make you feel like YOURSELF again. Get some counseling, and if finances are an issue, there are various county programs available. Some churches and synagogues also offer free secular counseling with qualified professional volunteers. Get in touch with the spiritual aspects of life. I agree with others here that having a pet to care for goes a long way to helping yourself. Talk to your friends...seek out others who understand.
I have been off of all meds for several years, but depression IS an imbalance and you have to monitor yourself. Some simple dietary changes can also affect brain chemistry, such as giving up sugar, and adding fish oil supplements to your diet. Staying away from artificial ingredients and other food additives seems to help me as well.
Please seek help. Asking for help is a sign of strength. You CANNOT "tough this out" on your own.
Please keep us posted...people's concern here is real.
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Mtnmun
Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
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When one of my family members came down with depression and anxiety I thought they could just "buck up" and get over it. Soon I realized just how serious of an issue it can be. Reaching out for help is the first step. May you find the happy light soon.
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Sport climber
Will know soon
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Juan, like Jingy said ..... you are not alone and as long as you are alive things will change.
I can remember my husband Dan and I driving down the on ramp onto the freeway with our 4 kiddos. We were all packed and ready to rock for a great camping/climbing trip. Halfway down the on ramp it hit, out of nowhere.....what I call the dark hole of depression. I started falling down the dark hole. There were no holds to grab onto, no way to stop, it went from light to gray to black. I was helpless against it.
After years of dealing with this when I was in my 16 to @ 40's I noted that it eased. EVERY human being is different which is why it is so grate that there are so many different responses on your thread. You have alot of ideas and info you can now pull from.
For lynnie, psychiatrists and meds did not help or work. It was getting to meet and know my best friend jesus and getting to be better and better friends with him over the years until now he is the bestest friend that has been life changing for me. I never could have survived my husbands death two years ago as well as I did without my best friend.
I am thinking of you and praying for you and care. If you ever want to email please do so. I will listen. Peace .....lynnie
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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juan ive not got a coin in my pocket nor a hope in my heart.
but i can give you (1) of my (2) dreams.
hang in there buddy.
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scooter
climber
fist clamp
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I am in total agreement with Coz. I was hurt bad a few years back and had a tough time for a bit. I did get a dog from the pound and it was the best thing for me. The MD that was taking care of me had prescribed me an anti-depressent and it did not work for me it made me cry all the time for what ever reason, and I felt out of control. So I stopped it. Started rehabing like crazy. Haveing to walk the dog made me rehab myself and made me accountable to the dog (which is funny). I also stopped slugging beers for a while, that helped too. Also the days getting longer that spring helped. I made sure to hang out in the sun. Take the steps Coz recomended. From my expirence it worked! And I still have DaisyDog my best friend. Try it take control by checking things off the Coz list. You got! The anchors are in sight! And the feeling of beating this will make you a stronger and more whole person. Go get some vibrantly colored oil pastels and acrilics sit in the sun and make a little art. Take care Brudda'. You are going to win!
Pat
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WBraun
climber
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Dr F is hoping there's no Jesus Christ.
When he finds out that Jesus Christ is real and actually exists he will become depressed.
He will then have to suffer so much embarrassment ......
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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werner,
dare i say that you're speculating?
you always get down on us when we do that.
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mucci
Trad climber
The pitch of Bagalaar above you
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Last year, I lost my job of 3 years, found out my back was broken, had to move in with friends etc....
I never sought help, rather tried the will power approach. The depression lasted 6 months, almost cost me my relationship with the lady.
I hated everyone and everything, and never thought I was gonna make it out.
Dad told me "You will find the light my son, just don't forget what you love in the journey"
I snapped out of it. But now I can see how depression can take hold and govern your life.
I have never taken medication, to which I am happy, yet I went about treatment the wrong way.
Keep your head up and do what you think is necessary for improvement. Climbing did it for me.
I can say that you have taken the first step by talking about it, keep up the positive thoughts, and never give up.
Mucci
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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There "might" have been a Jesus Christ but there never was a Jesus Christ Almighty.
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WBraun
climber
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I guarantee Jesus Christ exists beyond all forms of mental speculations.
Jesus Christ is Saktavesa, ever liberated, nitya siddha, never falls down to the contamination of the 3 modes of material nature.
Only fools and rascals says he does not exist.
Jesus Christ exists eternally and he is proven so ......
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Norwegian
Trad climber
Placerville, California
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ok,
im happily a fool and a rascal at times.
and other times im miserably a fool and a rascal.
i can roll as such.
how does one convert opinion into fact?
just curious.
sounds like something jesus might do.
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Sleep has been mentioned several times. Melatonin is very inexpensive, same stuff your body makes, and may help you get some sleep. That helped my daughter, too. She wouldn't take any of the other meds. But a little sleep, a pet to take care of, better diet, some simplification of her schedule, a little talk therapy, and she was doing so much better. A year ago, I wondered if she would live to graduate high school. Now we are planning for college this fall.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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There may be some good advice above but I didn't have time to read. Just want to offer you some Love and Support and a couple tidbits.
1. Don't beat yourself up for being depressed. Real depression can be tough to beat so first accepting that it's a part of your life that you can live with if necessary is a huge step. Whenever it improves, that's bonus.
2. See above
3. Honor yourself. have compassion for yourself. Depression can be yourself eating yourself. We're all wacked bro. It's April fools day, the birthday of us all.
4. Pray for others. Try to make somebody else happy in some small way. Give something. It's somehow easier to be blessed by blessing than by seeking for yourself.
We're with you man
Karl
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Juan,
Don't worry about Dr. F's anti-Jesus trolls. Just realize that you have a medical condition no different morally from any other medical condition.
Probably because so many of us feel (in contrast to think) that being helpless comes from our own decisions, we blame ourselves for our condition. That's like blaming yourself for getting, say, Lupus. There is no blame, only help.
Perhaps depression is more insidious because we often feel like there's nothing really wrong with us, and that we'll just return to our normal selves. That usually doesn't happen without a very bumpy ride, if at all.
I have no threory for why so many climbers seem to suffer from depression, but perhaps climbing affects our brain chemistry. I know in my own case, there's speculation that it's genetic; I have two first cousins who suffer from virtually the same symptoms if untreated. One is in Paris, and one in Mexico City; neither climbs. Since I've only lived in California, I doubt that ours has much of an environmental link.
Again, many of us fight the fight, and our stories differ, but I'll bet almost all of us have this in common -- we care about you, and would be delighted to do anything we can to help.
John
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Mason
Trad climber
Yay Area
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What about the Androgel?
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Largo
Sport climber
The Big Wide Open Face
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There are millions of people with depression that ONLY drugs can help
------
Not so. In fact I don't know of anyone who will ONLY be helped by drugs, no matter how grave the depression. This is very simplistic thinking about a normally very complex condition involving past, present and future, physical, emotional, mental, social, economical, behavioral, psychological and spiritual factors.
There is every reason to want to stick with a strictly reductionalistic belief that our brain chemestry is the ONLY factor that CAUSES moods. In believeing this, you can also believe that if you only can control the biochemestry, you can likewise control the mood. This is an often disasterous and self-limiting tact that assumes a few rather glaring falacies.
If you believe that only drugs can help, this precludes you from seeking changes in lifstyle, habitual ways of thinking and feeling, ingrained response patterns, old behaviors, and so forth.
Wish I had more time but I can say that while the meds can be a life saver, usually in the short run - and often not, as well - other methods - usually requiring sweeping changes across the board - will almost always prove most effective in the end. It's very American to believe that we can "fix" a problem with a pill, and that any effort beyond that is not only unnecessary, it's catagorically ineffective.
A common situation worth mentioning can be trotted out by anyone who has regularly attened al-anon meetings. Many, many - if not the majority of people - arrive at al-anon in full crisis mode, completely cooked and feeling totally hopeless. Many can't stop crying at all. But if they stick with program and do the work, look at them a year later.
A rule of thumb worth remembering is: You will only start feeling different when you change your behavior. Thinking or analyzing things will have little to no effect on mood whatsoever. Contrary action is key here. And as Coz pointed out, a lot of it has to do with being "bound by self," or being crazy self-absorbed. That cycle also has to be broken by various means, one of which is being of service to others.
But this is VERY heavy lifting for sure.
JL
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ME Climb
Social climber
Behind the orange Curtain
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From my experience Largo is right on about saying meds alone won't do the job. They need therapy and counseling to work. My wife still has her "homework" and is constantly challenged by her therapist to work on issues. She must force herself out of the house when she wants to curl up into a ball. She must go shopping by herself.
What has worked for my wife is the combination of the meds and therapy. Sometimes therapy alone will work, while other times meds and therapy are the answer. Meds alone are not the answer.
The mind is so incredibly complex and we know so little about it.
Depression is such a horrible condition, but help is out there. Ask for the help and it will come.
Juan, I sent you my number call whenever you need.
Eric
*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, but have many years experince with depression and know how to find resources.
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Tobia
Social climber
GA
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I came home from school today; a long day with 6th graders, after school faculty meeting, PTO after that.
I arrived at school in the morning in my usual anxiety heavy persona; teeth huring from the gritting. Worrying how I am going to get through the day; how I am going to hold up with my peers and not melt down from the previous day of the same as day as the day before.
I feel that collapse that Lynne eloquently described earlier as I drive home. I think about trying not to go down the chute into the duldrums of my depression.
To dark tonight to get to play outside so I come in to try to escape on the taco. I see a fellow sufferer of the same crippling disease, screaming out over the thread for some reassurance, advice or whatever response he can get to help alleviate the pain.
The people that have posted a response that can identify personally with depression offer some kind words and what helped them. That is compassion and love of your neighbor at it's best.
Clearly there are no two cases of depression that are alike; so there is no magic cure. No one formula that works. I agree with many here, you can't do it alone. I don't know about the talk therapy, I did it for years and it didn't help or maybe I was talking to the wrong people. No meds helped, as I have stated before.
I know I am going to have to start the med search again. I can't do it alone, I can't do it with prayer alone. I can't do it with the taco alone.
Some of the posts are not helping anyone. Dr. F; go find another thread. You are dangerous and twisted. Besides that you haven't a clue. I don't know what life experiences you have but whatever they are they haven't given you one iota of insight into this problem or people's faith, or the almighty.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Might not help everyone but here's a few tips I noticed keep things brighter for some people.
Moderate levels of depression can be bearable by a lot of folks who suffer regularly but if you fall in to the dark hole, you may need professional help and maybe drugs to get back on your feet. Once you can't crawl out, reach out.
Exercise is almost always is great medicine. Try to develop the exercise habit so when you fall down a bit, it's not as hard to motivate
Caffeine exacerbates anxiety. If you do coffee, feel your energy and see if caffeine makes the feeling worse.
Sometimes you might want to crawl in a hole, and might even feel estranged in a public sterile environment, but human contact and communication can often support and nourish you, even as you might tend to shun it. Develop friends, help them when they need it and call on them to hang out when you need support.
I'm grateful for those who have been there for me when my car breaks down, when I can't handle a task by myself, and when things get out of hand. Let's look for opportunities to be there for each other
Peace
Karl
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Been there done that have the damn t-shirt and matching belt to boot.
Jeff, here is my paltry tale of woe - take of it what you wish.
Depression sucks major big time balls. But you know that already. Snapping out of it can be done - but that part comes later.
First things first. Check with your HR people on what your health insurance covers in the way of mental disorders. Assuming that they do cover this, ask if your company/employer has any type of "wellness" program or "directed help" program. Assume they do for sake of discussion.
Next step - call your doctor and make an appointment ASAP. Same for your employee help program - call and set a date and time!
Third - actually GO to the damn appointments- no excuses, yes I know it sucks and you feel bad - but sack it up cowboy. This is for YOUR own damn good.
Fourth - swallow what's left of your ego (because who cares anyway right) and own up to the doc or the counselor that your life sucks, you sleep all day or not at all, you don't bathe anymore and your feet hurt. But mostly, tell the truth about how crappy your mind feels about itself.
Cinco - take the meds (I was partial to Paxil) and go to the therapy sessions. You will feel like sh#t, you will cry too much for a grown man, you will whine, bitch, moan and carry on like a baby....but....it will be okay!
Seis - keep going - it can take months.
Seite - look forward to the day when it finally hits you with crystal clarity that "JEEBUS HUMPING JEHOVAH ON A STICK - I HAVE DEPRESSION!"
Ocho - with the REAL realization that YOU are not f*#ked, it's just that YOU have a f*#ked disease - it will cease to have control over you. This is the "Snap out it" part of the recovery - you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired - so you quit being sick and tired. Make sense?
Nine - happy days and sunshine buttercups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It Can Work!!!
Rick
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Brian
climber
California
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Depression runs deep in my extended family and I have to say that Largo's last post seems right on to me. Drugs can help in certain situations (perhaps in many of them), but if you rely only and simply on drugs, you are not really going to get better. The problem, and its solution, is much more complex than that. Just telling someone to 'take a pill' is not going to be helpful in the long term, or not as helpful as a more comprehensive approach, even if it can help in the short term.
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Peter Haan
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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Thanks Largo. I agree.
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mongrel
Trad climber
Truckee, CA
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Lost Arrow, take heart from the many expressions of support from a lot of folks who you have not met and may never meet: that alone is cause for optimism.
But some specifics along with the generalities of most of the posts, from someone who has indeed walked some long miles in the same shoes. The most useful thing you can do short term is to do just that: take some long walks, or do some cycling. Moderate physical exercise is the single best thing for getting unstuck, however it is not magic without other follow up. It is a slow process by no matter what means, and be encouraged when there is any glimmer of light even if it is a dim and gray light at first. Talk therapy is highly recommended for a period of time. In a brief trial, I did not find that the standard prescription meds helped, and found the side effects mildly unpleasant which did not help. But meds are very good for some patients.
Best of luck and keep on it.
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Brian
climber
California
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Dr. F
Step 1: Re-read Largo's post.
Step 2: Blush, realizing your gross oversimplification and misrepresentation of what he said.
Step 3: Re-post a mea culpa and offer to have a reasoned discussion about the claim that "only" drugs can help.
Step 4: Go forth and reconsider your reductionistic view of human of human psychology.
Brian
PS-Juan, best of luck with your struggle which, as my other post indicates, I am fairly familiar. You should look to all possible sources of help (yes, including drugs). As someone else posted, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if (to mix metaphors) it takes the heavy lifting John mentioned to get there.
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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f you have done almost everything already, isn't it time to try something that has an 80% chance of success,
rather than something with a zero % chance of working, since it hasn't worked yet
Dr F.. Largo is not saying to not use drugs. He is saying that drugs are not the only recourse, and because they have a price, ie they can really mess you up as Juan has found out from the weight gain from his last med, that it then behooves you to look further into many modalities and not depend solely on drugs.
At least, that is what I think he is saying.
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Brian
climber
California
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Dr. F
You skipped my first step
Step 1: Re-read Largo's post.
Largo wrote
In fact I don't know of anyone who will ONLY be helped by drugs, no matter how grave the depression.
and
the meds can be a life saver, usually in the short run
and
If you believe that only drugs can help, this precludes you from seeking changes in lifstyle, habitual ways of thinking and feeling, ingrained response patterns, old behaviors, and so forth.
I think it's clear--correct me if am I wrong John--that he has said (1) drugs can be helpful, but (2) if you rely only and simply on drugs you are not getting at the whole problem.
Your reductionistc view of human psychology--correct me if I am wrong Dr. F--seems to suggest that the whole problem is chemical, and this is where you are, I believe, dead wrong.
Brian
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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I have a question for you Dr F.
What if the meds don't work for you? I have dealt with depression my entire life. I lost count of the number of different meds and combinations I have taken over the years. Last I remember it was over 35 different meds. Some work for a very short time. Some work longer. Some don't work at all. Some make me extremely aggressive. Some make me suicidal. Most make me very sick. If there is a side affect, I probably have it.
So what would you do? Since you seem to believe that drugs are the answer.
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Lost Arrow
Trad climber
The North Ridge of the San Fernando
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 2, 2010 - 12:08am PT
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Thanks for all the wonderful responses. I went to my Psychiatrist and picked up a new antidepresent to try. God I pray this brings me piece and sleep.
I will keep you posted.
JuAN
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WBraun
climber
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oH ..
This thread is making me depressed. Juan will send me sample of the nice new drug from psychiatrist.
I will be happy then. I will be able to free solo the Nose in a day after taking the nice new miracle drug.
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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There is a pill that can make me a climbing god??? Woot for pills.
Juan,
I'm going to give you the shortest version that I can of what I believe can help you. Though looking down at it, I see that it is pretty long, but I am putting a whole lot of info that fits in numbers of books, so it really is the short version. haha..
First. Everything is about Truth. Lack of Truth leads to suffering. Unwillingness to follow Truth leads to suffering.
This is what I believe the Truth is.
We are spiritual beings made by and out of God's energy. ( It is more complicated then this, but I am giving you the short version )
There is a spiritual world made up of very high energy, and there are progressively lower worlds made up of progressively denser energies. We are in the material world which is currently the lowest form of energy.
All energy flows from the spiritual world to create the material world. It is stepped down gradually and there are processes that do that.
As beings made of energy, we have four bodies. The body closest to the spiritual world is our belief body, below that is our mental body. Below that is our emotional body, and below that is the densest body, the material body. Surrounding that is our Auric field, which is an energy field meant to protect us on our journeys.
So our beliefs create our thoughts. Our thoughts create our emotions, our emotions create our experience of life.
Depression is manifest from a series of untruths lodged in our belief bodies. So the only way to completely cure it is to look for all untruths. This is a process and will not occur overnight.
In the meantime you have brought depression all the way down into your material body, so you also have to deal with it on the material level. That includes seeing if meds will help, looking at your diet, looking at your lifestyle, seeing if you get adequate exercise and rest. Looking at how you respond to stress and what are the things you could do to relieve stress. And actually many more things that can help you such as ECT and light therapy in the form of sseasonal affective disorder lights which many people find helps them through the winter. These are just some of the basics.
Currently you are on meds. That is a decent place to start, but I hope that you don't stop there as sometimes meds don't work well, plus they can be hard on the body and so it behooves you to do everything you can to strengthen your general health and thus perhaps allow you to take lower doses of meds, or even get off them.
I am completely off meds. It required a lot of work and I haven't achieved a full recovery from depression, but have made a lot of progress.
So that generally covers the material world.
You also need to do something for your other bodies. You need to seek truth. Which you are doing in part here. And you need to become aware that your auric field is an energy field that can be broken down by the daily stresses of life, by malicious forces, and by our own bad habits. So you need to start working on building your energy field. One thing you can do is pray and seek help from the spirits to guide you to truth and to protect you from malicious forces.
Part of learning the truth is to learn about the negative habits you have that leave you open to malicious forces.
Then there is prayer and meditation that can help us clean up our emotion body, our mental body, and our belief body. The thing that I find works best is to concentrate on the Truth and do a mediation on it. It is amazing how messed up we can get when we concentrate on negative things. The more we think about bad things, the more stress we create, and thus the more stressed out we get. So taking a break from your daily stress is a really good thing for your well being. You might have heard of the power of positive thinking. Well there is a step beyond that and it is prayer and meditation that connects you to the spirit world and hopefully, eventually, the truth.
A workbook that I highly recommend to get you started on this process is "the course in Miracles" workbook. There is a manuscript and work book and they are two different things. The manuscript is full of teachings and personally I don't think that they are of the highest sort as the writer allowed her own lower consciousness to get in the way, and thus they are tainted by it. But the workbook is magical. It is easy to do and at the start involves about 15 minutes a day of prayer and meditation involving mantras. It helped me a lot.
You have stress in your life. It is exacerbated by focusing on it. So take a daily vacation from it. It is wonderful to take that vacation nightly just before bedtime. It will help you sleep.
If you really think it helps you to keep thinking about your problems, then realize that you need rest and you do this best when you put down your problems. So if you find it really difficult to put down your problems, then try promising yourself that you will pick up those problems the next morning, once you are rested. This is one way I have found to help me sleep and find rest. I don't always get to sleep, but I learned from experience that you can still feel rested if you don't spend the night ruminating on your problems. Surrender them nightly to God, and then relax.
I'm certain that Dr F will tell you that there is no god, so my theories are whack, but it is up to you to decide.
One last thing. I have shown you how to work on the physical and the spiritual and in part on the mental and emotional, but it can also be helpful to get counseling to help you learn how you mentally exacerbate your stress through poor thinking habits. So I also suggest finding a counselor.
I hope this helps you find your way. Depression is a hard row to hoe but there is a way out of it. I hope that you keep looking.
John
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AllezAllez510
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, CA
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"True happiness is the expectation of being being happy."
-Virginia Woolf
Pretty sure I screwed that one up, but whatever...
As someone who has been battling depression more or less since jr. high, I can say that some days are worse than others but what has helped me A LOT recently has been meditation. I was very recently turned on to Vipassana meditation and I feel SO much better and happier now. If I had told myself five years ago that I would find some spirituality I would have slapped myself...
What the above helps me with is living in the present moment. I used to fear the future and long for the past, but those feelings are slowly, and I mean slowly fading away....It is a long and DIFFICULT journey and I'm not there yet.
Not saying becoming "spiritual" (I really hate that word...) will help you, but it helped me...
Buena suerte...
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Largo
Sport climber
The Big Wide Open Face
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I wouldn’t say that I “know everything” about depression. Not remotely. But I have been exposed to the standard medical model my whole life, seeming that half my family are MDs, including my father and now my daughter. Plus my sister is a psychologist who deals with psychiatric and psychological challenges daily, adn I frequently talk to her about this. What’s more, a decade ago I went back to grad school (nights and weekends), strictly for my own interest, and did the whole clinical psych thing. Lastly, I’ve been involved in various incarnation of Al-Anon and “recovery” work for years, and in those groups there’s a large population who have suffered incest, physical abuse, wildly dysfunctional relationships and home environments, deadly addictions, and so forth, these being some of the common, contributing factors to depression.
That much said, I don’t look at Dr. F’s statements as anything but examples of how he processes information, as well as a cognitive style that forces him into all-or-nothing conclusions.
For example, when Dr. F. approaches matters of religion, spirituality, “God,” and so forth, the all or nothing thinking is most obvious. Since there is no God (“nothing”), according to the doctor, EVERYONE, from the beginning of time, from sage to seer to Indian chief, and ALL proponents of a power higher greater than our own brain, have been deluded and wholly mistaken. They are “all” wrong and the doctor is “all” or and entirely right in this regard. Case closed because he said so.
Now we come to the business of depression, bio-chemestry and meds, where once more, Dr. F declares that ONLY brain chemistry is a factor, and that “ALL” other modalities are “ALL” wrong and totally useless and misguided. That means that ALL psychologists, social and body workers, therapists, 12 Step programs, recovery houses, rehab centers, personal coachs, and so forth – NONE of their efforts work, or have ever worked, or ever will work, AT ALL. They too are entirely full of sh#t – ALL of them.
The main problem with an all or nothing cognitive style is that it is so transparently distorted that the vast overstatements and oversimplifications undermine the necessity of taking brain chemistry seriously. What’s more, insisting that said chemistry “produces” our experience, like a stamp produces a coin, is to fundamentally misunderstand causality as it occurs in human life. But that’s another discussion.
Trying to lick depression with chemistry alone is like trying to beat alcoholism through will power. You chances are less than average.
JL
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WBraun
climber
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WOW !!!
What a comeback.
One of the best I've seen in a while.
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Sport climber
Will know soon
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Tobia, you have been such a help to me on the "music" thread, truly awesome really ! So tho it's late and I need to get up at 4:00 am I want to run this by you.
I have this crazy theory that many suffer from angst and related problems simply because we are not doing what we were created for. Each of us have special gifts, skills and personalities that are meant for us to live our lives, making a living and being happy.
Of course life throws us problems both huge and small, but I am talking generally here. What I have observed with others and lived for many years myself is that a human gets pushed, prodded or thrown into doing something totally unsuited for them. They may even make a bad decision to pursue a life goal that is not right for them. The bad thing is they may do well at it, but it robs them of really living the life they were created for.
Then angst sets in. Some can tolerate this "wrong life infliction" for a long period and some absolutely cannot. In either case their lives and the lives of those around them suffer the effects.
I worked at a job for 20 years that I Really did not like. I did it to make someones life dreams and goals come true. Now that I have a "new" life and I am making my own choices I have never been so at peace and have real honest to goodness joy in my life. Hey, I may have to live under a bridge if I can't find a job I love......and I am trying hard....but you know what, no one is ever going to own my soul again.
My motto given to me by a climber friend that has helped me immensely...."Go confidentally in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." Thoreau
You know, Tobia, jesus is my best friend and he is always with me, but we need to learn and grow and listen and make the tough decisions to be the person ..... really be and live the person....he created us to be.
Thanks for the songs Dude that helped me process the toughest part of my life. Peace, lynnie
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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I have a number of friends who have been on and off several of the drugs, several times.
I've seen those meds help pull them out of the dark hole but once the darkest clouds have passed, It becomes a crap shoot whether the side effects of the drugs (and cost) are worth the questionable benefit (which seems mostly to keep you from getting deep in the hole at the expense of your clarity) Going off or on any med is tricky, risky, and rough, and no drug is without side effects, significant ones.
A common twist of the psyche that we should see within ourselves is this: When we are kids, our parents are Gods and it seems they are giving us exclusive Love. At some point, we disappoint them, or another sibling starts getting some of the love that was all ours, or our parents shatter our illusions in some way. They teach us what we need to be to earn their Love and we envision an idealized self that will earn this Love we need. We project this ideal self to the world to gain this love.
Deep down, nobody can forever live up to the lofty images we project for ourselves. We feel the fraud between who we are and the image we project and thus judge ourselves inadequate. We punish ourselves for not living up to our impossible ideals.
Give yourself and everybody else a break and know that the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well
This is just one consideration. We are spiritual, we are chemical, we are psychological. We live in a house of mirrors and Karma is a bitch.
Like climbing, Life is epic and the game is spiced by the potential for pain. The upside is evolution.
Much Love
Karl
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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I won't comment on that comeback only because I think depression is too dangerous an issue to risk getting sidetracked.
So many of us urge you to seek professional help because a single all-purpose solution eluded our experience and knowledge. You may be someone like me, for whom medication is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for recovery. Similarly, again for me, therapy was also a necessary but not sufficient condition for recovery. They tackle different things. The medication deals directly with my brain chemistry. The therapy gave me a "tool kit" to deal with the practical problems my years of improper brain chemistry caused (those on the Left might think I'm using the wrong tense!). And I, like Lynne, experienced the love of Christ in an amazing way. All of this, though, was just my experience.
An author of other, excellent, posts on this thread used the same medication I use (and probably will need the rest of my life) with completely unsatisfactory results. We share a passion for climbing and even, I believe, the same faith, but what worked for me was harmful to him. Most of us are experts on our own experiences. The professionals have the benefit of experience of many different people.
Again, though, the big thing to remember is that there are a great many of us who care about you (and at least in my case, about any climber dealing with depression). Before I was diagnosed and began treatment, I saw no way out, and was actually planning a convenient soloing "accident" so that my family would have the (then fairly substantial) life insurance proceeds and not really know I'd offed myself. Fortunately, I was too depressed to act on those plans. With treatment I've survived all the consequences of my depressed behavior, and come out better than before. I'm confident that you can, too.
John
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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For me , overcoming depression was a matter of patience, connection and light.(in that order) I won't say I'm cured, as life can cut like a knife and I'm not done with life yet...
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slevin
Trad climber
New York, NY
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There is a pill that can make me a climbing god???
Almost. It's called Anavar - little secret of pro gymnasts and figure skaters. Works for climbers too.
siberian sleeping potion
--How do Russians eat cereal in the morning?
--With vodka
--Really?!
--Yes! And without cereal!
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Tobia
Social climber
GA
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I woke up this morning at my alloted hour only to do the "roll over" and go back to sleep.
I still have to drink my coffee and look at the taco before getting on with the day.
Wow, too much posted on this thread to process without the proper dosage of coffee and time.
Juan, I am glad you are trying another med; hope it helps!
Lynne, thanks for your words and I will get back later.
To all others. This is an interesting discussion of a problem that has plagued me since birth. Positively I have to take responsibility for not helping myself as much as I could. The concepts, other than meds and exercise written about here need to be explored.
I am interested in the workbook and the meditation.
I hope this thread continues in the direction it is going. It could lead to some help for all that suffer from this problem; not only that I am starting to believe that the time I have spent on the taco, when I should have been doing other things is looking like time well spent... )and I haven't gotten to the music thread yet to see what new music I might find).
Dr. F I wish I had of expressed my disagreement with your opinion with some other words.
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hunter
Trad climber
NYC
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Lots of wisdom here, particularly from Largo.
I'd like to point out to Dr. F and other chemical fundamentalists that few if any neuropharmacologists (and yes, I am one) believe the strict chemical imbalance hypothesis of depression any more. In fact there is a substantial amount of data to suggest that most of the SSRI's are merely active placebos (that is they do something because they feel like they are doing something). Of course even that effect is useful, but to imagine that serotonin re-uptake is the reason for some or all depressions is almost as unscientific as the belief in jesus you deride. Depression is profoundly complicated and we scientists do not understand it very well at all. What is evident is that talk therapy is as effective as drugs in the short run (less than a year) and that the combination of drugs and therapy is better than either alone. Longer term it is not clear if drugs are useful at all: the few studies that have been done on longer term anti-depressant treatment have shown that patients are more likely to be depressed if they are on the drugs for more than a year. It is also clear that exercise and social support are equally important in predicting the outcome of a depression. That is the science, the rest isn't subject to our scrutiny as yet and much of it may never be, as our present scientific model isn't well adapted to the study of our inner lives.
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mooser
Trad climber
seattle
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JL - your last post was really (from my perspective) excellent. You took a series of totalistic diatribes (from Dr. F), and brought reason and reflection back into the mix. I've really come to respect (for lack of a better term) your "appreciative agnosticism" on matters of spirituality and psychology.
And Juan, hang in there, man. You've got some great support from some pretty thoughtful and caring folks here. There are clearly quite a few who can look back at moments that seemed pretty bleak, and recognize how they got through--and are getting through. I hope their stories encourage you.
Tom Patterson
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Largo
Sport climber
The Big Wide Open Face
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Dr. Hunter wrote: "Depression is profoundly complicated and we scientists do not understand it very well at all."
Another factor with depression and other challenges that have a strong physical aspect, is that the symptomology changes a lot, meaning you're often looking at a moving target. One day it can be a sleep disorder, another day, anxiety, yet another, the blues, and so forth and so on. The reason why the strict medical model isn't especially useful for this is beause actual diseases don't present like this. For example, diabetes doesn't look like gout one day and influenza the next. So in this regards, listed to the scientist: "Pofoundly complicated."
It's my impression that understanding how causality works in human life is totally key in treating depression and other disorders like this. What's more, changing how we feel is the consequence of doing things diffrently - a little understood dynamic, and one of the reasons that talk therapy is often of little use in this. Also, the idea opf working a "program" is very useful in this regards.
JL
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pa
climber
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What is Chemistry, then?
The term comes originally from Arabic, then was latinized to
"keme" = "value". It is the science of matter. (Wikipedia)
Odd how the science of matter is named in terms of value.
A very insubstantial term to describe our most staunch idea of density.
One asks, Why the depression?
Perhaps, it is not a "matter" of Why, but of Who...
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WBraun
climber
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"Why the depression."
Hopelessness
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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How you doing lately, Juan?
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Reilly,
Why do you say this?This can't be good:
"FAA: Pilots allowed to take antidepressants on job"
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100402/ap_on_bi_ge/us_pilots_antidepressants
To me, that's simply the converse of the "depression is only a chemical imbalance" argument. As Dr. Hunter, Largo and others suggest, we still don't know that much about depression. My medication might merely work like an expensive placebo, but it certainly worked to get me back to (and maybe a little beyond) my pre-depressed self. Without many years of functioning at this level unmedicated, I wouldn't trust myself in any responsible position without proper medication. I, and those around me, have complete confidence in my performance now, however.
I think the thrust of the FAA reg change is to allow those whose depression is demonstrably under control to fly. Otherwise, the de facto rule would be that no one may pilot who suffers from depression. That would exlude a lot of extremely capable people.
John
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Reilly
Mountain climber
Monrovia, CA
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John,
Since my knowledge of such is strictly anecdotal I supposed it
based on hearing how people aren't necessarily at their
sharpest when on anti-depressants. That wouldn't matter in most
professions. The FAA also has a time-honored tradition of
questionable decisions.
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jstan
climber
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Where is the data supporting the assertion abnormally large numbers of climbers suffer from depression? Since the condition itself is not easily defined, there will have to be some solid data.
"And as Coz pointed out, a lot of it has to do with being "bound by self," or being crazy self-absorbed. That cycle also has to be broken by various means, one of which is being of service to others."
I have to say I get depressed on those weeks when I take the time to stare at my navel 24x7.
I have found choosing goals and then going all out for them leaves one little good navel gazing time. And then if one never forgets that quitting easily becomes a habit, depression becomes simply a waste of otherwise useful time.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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jstan,
I'd suggested the possibility (as opposed to asserting its existence) that the populations of climbers contains a higher proportion of people with depression. I think that was on a different thread, though.
The mental health professionals with whom I've dealt all say that lawyers have an abnormally high rate of depression. I know more lawyers than climbers (how's that for a really damning admission?) but I know more climbers who've committed suicide than lawyers who have done so. I based my conjecture on that observation.
John
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Peenemunde
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So I am a bit concerned. Do Antidepresives work?
Am I fighting a losing battle?
I really trying to hang in. But its not easy.
Juan
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drunkenmaster
Social climber
santa rosa
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just heard on the "news" that it is now legal to fly a plane on anti depressants - not sure what to think about this??
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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JDF,
I'm not saying that antidepressants always work. I'm saying that professional help almost always makes things better, and I'm quite certain it will help you.
I might as well tell my full story, because I hope that if you see how low depression took me, and therefore how far I've recovered, you'll see that what looks hopeless is not so.
Since 1991, I've had the highest legal peer-reviewed rating (Martindale-Hubbell "AV") and through the 1990's, at least, had a very admired, successful and lucrative law practice. Although I had momentary bouts of depression since at least 1994, they always went away on their own, so I didn't think I had a medical condition.
That changed in about 2002. Gradually, over the next few years, I grew unable to accomplish even the simplest of tasks at work without monumental effort. In addition, I slowly stopped climbing (a sure sign of illness!), playing the piano, cycling, and just about everything else that I formerly enjoyed. In addition, by then, my wife said I'd become very withdrawn. I slept inordinately. Both my wife and my secretary worried that I was suffering from depression, but I blew them off. I thought that I'd just snap out of it, and anything that was behind in the office would be cured by a couple of extra Saturdays of work.
I was wrong. Finally, in 2005, one client for whom I started litigation, but then stalled, had enough. She said she was coming to my office to see the results of the litigation I'd promised her. I knew it would take her about 45 minutes to get there. Desperate not to be confronted with my inaction, I made up a pleading, and even faked a court order. That latter act was one of forgery and counterfeiting under federal law, and something no sane lawyer would do. I gave her the "order," hoping to shut her up long enough for me to do my job.
Well, the good news was that the immorality of my action really did wake me up. Within a few minutes of her leaving my office, I was so appalled with what I'd done (or to my way of thinking, what I'd become -- a liar) that I immediately sought professional help. A few days later, I went to the court to tell them what happened. Unbeknownst to me, my client was already there, and the court clerk suspected what I'd done before I fessed up. My client had also already gone to the FBI, and my legal goose was cooked.
By then, though, I was hooked up with a physician and a psychologist, each of whom shared my Christian faith. I got good medication and good therapy. I also hooked up with a group of lawyers dealing with mental health and substance abuse issues (although the latter has never been an issue for me, the two often go hand-in-hand. Probably a form of self-medication.)
Talk about an inopportune time to regain my sanity! I saw in my immediate future at least the following: (1) the end of my career; (2) the destruction of my reputation; (3) abject poverty; and (4) no discernable way out. In fact, reality was worse in all respects except no. (4).
My wife had not worked outside our home or my office for almost 20 years, and had let her nursing license lapse. I knew my law license wouldn't remain for long, and I had already decided that I could not take any more new clients, and that I needed to refer all of my existing ones out so that I could end my practice. Unfortunately, our debts still remained. I had to file personal bankruptcy. I resigned from the Bar. I was indicted for forgery, pled guilty, and was sentenced to six months in federal prison. Had I known all this when I first went for help, i certainly would have seen no way out.
Nonetheless, several amazing things started happening then. First and foremost, friends started coming out of the woodwork. Virtually all of the legal community lined up to help me. My church rallied around us. My family did the same. Instead of rejecting me, they came to me. It was like being at my own funeral, and hearing all those nice things people say about you. Perhaps as importantly, they all knew that something had been wrong with me, and were delighted that I was finally doing something about it. Although I cannot excuse my dishonesty, everyone I care about has foregiven that dishonesty.
As my mental ability returned, so did my business opportunities. I had been, in addition to an attorney, an econometrician since 1973. My old roommate from college needed econometric help, and came to me. We're still working together. In addition, after serving my sentence (which I treated like a vacation, but that's another story), two lawyers I'd trained 20 years before hired me to be a sort of in-house scholar. The combination of these two jobs, plus my wife rejoining the nursing profession, is providing sufficient income. More importantly I am the happiest I have been in decades. Even though I'm 58 and had to start over at age 56 when I got out of prison, I see a good future for us.
I hope you conclude that whatever is in your future, it can't be much worse (and, I hope, it is much less worse) than what I went through. We all can help. You're not facing a hopeless battle.
Unfortunately for my comments, but fortunately for my wallet, I need to do some paying work now, but email me if you need someone who's been through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but now fears no evil. That offer stands, by the way, for anyone dealing with depression.
John
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Wow, quite a story John. It seems there are a lot of these tales of woe on this thread. I won't tell my tale, because it pales in comparison to some on here, but it is fairly common and treatable, but each lesson is definitely unique and requires a unique approach. I'm not the first to say it. Let go, be patient and take help in whatever form it comes, and it comes in strange forms. Some folks need to get pretty dark before they can accept the light.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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My hat is off to John for the above post. You're the man. Way to live.
A5 aid climbers, I can't see doing that if you aren't depressed, but I guess some like it anyway.
Depressed or not, we're all struggling for meaning and satisfaction in life. We have to give heartfelt contemplation on where fulfillment comes from to find the path to wholeness.
Sometimes the depressed people have a leg up on that, because they know they aren't happy, others are just sleeping
Peace
Karl
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Jengi
Trad climber
Sacramento, CA
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I am touched by all the caring encouragement posted to this topic... a great bunch of folks!
Juan, if you are in a place where you need to do something now, call your doctor - or the suicide prevention hotline - now.
Tell them you think you are depressed, that you are having dark thoughts, and that you need help. They will evaluate your situation and provide referrals and/or drugs.
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
http://suicidehotlines.com/california.html
Come back to this forum when you need encouragement. Contact those that have offered and if possible speak to them.
One step at a time, Buddy!
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WBraun
climber
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Huh?
You don't think for a moment that JuanDeFuca doesn't know all this sh'it!
He's a real smart guy who knows the art of trolling ......
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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Alex has a good point...
"2. your mind still holds images / sounds / scents of times when u werent so depressed
3 - a believable achievable forward vision to get u to one of these not depressed places in your future picture of things is possible
This is the exact method I use when I get struck by the fog of depression..
I have a memory of a time when I was not in the fog.. that thought is usually enough to keep me going...
Just know that you will make it through.. in your own due time... it may be difficult, and a huge struggle.. but it's possible to make it through without thoughst of JC (which ultimately is your own inner voice assuming the possition of JC) or with presciption drugs (which is a nice way of putting off until tomorrow when can be cured today....) I don't think that paying a big drug company for your personal "happy thoughts" is the way to go, but that's just me. Like Alex says...its an expense that I cannot afford.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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JDF
I'm truly sorry to hear the experiences you've been having.
It's not fun. I know. Like John above, I experienced a couple of
bad periods in my life. Almost to suicide the first time, but fortunately
got help--both psychological and medical. Twenty years later my
mother died, and my fiance dumped me almost simultaneously.
I didn't want to die, but I wished I were dead. But I was already
in counseling and had a good doctor. I was ready to check myself
into the hospital for it, but managed to get enough help and not
have to. I really feared that. But the meds are a strange thing.
I've been on quite a few of them, and it takes time to find the
correct one and the right dosage of it also. Sometimes the side-effects
really suck too.
But I urge you to get professional help--those guys know what they
are doing, but if you aren't happy with a doctor, get another one.
With counseling and finding the right medication you can get the
spring back into your step and the joy of life.
I hope you'll get the help and work things out.
My very best wishes to you.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Whether or not Juan/Jeff/LA is trolling, this seems to have been a useful discussion for many. I don't have any personal or family experience with this affliction, but think it's quite likely that some relative or friend has had depression, even if transient and not apparent to others. Noting that Canadians tend to be more reticent about discussing such personal matters with family and friends, let alone others.
One lesson seems to be that these sorts of things may be more prevalent than might be thought, aren't all that well understood, and that there's nothing "wrong" with having depression, or seeking treatment. Another seems to be that there are a variety of treatments that may help, but many are external. Some may be able to pull themselves up by their soulstraps, but not many. And that the treatments may include time, exercise, volunteering, community and commitments to others (family, friends, climbing community...), informal or formal therapy (friends/family/colleagues, minister, psychologist...), religion, philosophy, and drugs.
And the real lesson is that there's nothing wrong with seeking help, or at least finding out if there's reason for you to seek help.
If there objectively is an increasing prevalence of such afflictions, then you have to wonder about the values of our society. Shallow materialism doesn't correlate well with happiness, and there's some evidence that once people are reasonably comfortable in the material sense (per capita income about half of the US), they don't get happier with more money.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Thanks for the kind words. I posted my story to let others know there's hope when there appears to be none, but also to let others who feel like the universe is closing in on them know that they can contact me anytime and will reach someone who understands.
John
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Anxious Melancholy
Mountain climber
Between the Depths of Despair & Heights of Folly
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WB, this might have started as a fools quest, but a majority of responses here, yours included, are constructive. For me personally, they have helped me take another step forward from darkness to light.
Thanks to all for your powerful perspectives.
What an amazing experiance!
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Actually, I think Alex is onto something with the reggae music. Bob Marley's music has done wonderful things for my soul. Sound and especially music can have profound effects on the mind. Music can provide a gateway into the subconscious where most of our problems originate. We get all this stuff in our formative years that creates the foundation for future life exigencies. As adults, often we can see clearly perceive the conflict but are unable to change. Access to the subconscious can be a puzzling adventure and there are many experts in various psychological fields that would tell you not to go there or pay an expert to guide you. Maybe. You guys are climbers and you know about fear and fear is the only thing getting in your way. But fear can be nonetheless a dangerous thing in itself.
A couple years ago I came across this technology called Hemi-Sync. With sound, the two hemispheres of the brain are brought into synchronization. This is done by playing two tones of slightly different frequencies through headphones into different ears. The brain will synchronize the two tones and hear one ,and in the process profoundly change the energy flow characteristics of the brain.
Google it sometime.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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What made you give it up, Locker? Were you not special enough?
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mountain dog
Trad climber
over the hills and far away
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Flaccid=Poser.
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Blinky
Trad climber
North Carolina
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LA, I was diagnosed bi-polar at a young age, I'm 50 now and take no drugs or do anything special to deal with it... I just don't go into those deep long swings anymore, my moods have leveled out naturally.
BUT, early on Prozac was just what I needed. Took it for four months. The key is to break the long period and few people can do that through strength of will alone. Once you're back to being above the line you can rejigger your lifestyle to better keep the deep swings away.
You need to find out why you're depressed. Sure, it's chemical but (and this will sound obvious) people don't get depressed when they are healthy and happy. People get depressed when some kind of stressor makes them susceptible. When you lose your ability to compensate because you are heavily stressed, you're more likely to succumb to an illness.
The single best therapy for me is exercise... hard exercise, the kind that hurts. It's a b!tch to get going but after experiencing the results a few times I learned to just do it no matter how bad I felt.
I'm lousy at pure exercise though, I need to go fast or chase a ball or climb something. The best thing I ever did for myself was quit the office gigs and get into hard outdoor work... it doesn't hurt that climbing trees everyday makes it easy to feel good... and surprisingly, I don't miss the money at all. Life is good and spending less makes me feel better about my place in the world.
...and I never believed I would say anything like that, I was pretty good at making money.
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Sport climber
Will know soon
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Blinky, agree with all you say. lynnie
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Peenemunde
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So I survived the weekend. Had a terrible reaction to cymbalta and nearly checked into the Hospital. Feel better today. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself. Praying for deliverance. I have lost 25lbs in the last 6 weeks after I stopped Zyprexa. I should really notice this when I get back to Stoney Point in the next few days.
I miss the Zyprexa, it stopped my storming mind. But I am going to have to learn to live without it and find other ways to quiet my mind.
Thanks again for all the wonderful info that has been posted.
Jeff "Mindstorm" De Fuca
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Jeff, check out the Hemi-Sync. For the price of a CD, you might find some peace of mind.
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Peenemunde
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Circuits in your brain light up when you're happy. One groundbreaking researcher has discovered how to keep them lit.
There are no dark corners in Madison, Wisconsin, a university town that sparkles with endowment and research dollars—more than $900 million last year—as well as just plain Midwestern niceness. The grants are well earned: It was at the University of Wisconsin–Madison that the first bone marrow transplant was performed and the first synthetic gene was created. It was here that human stem cells were isolated and cultured in a lab for the first time. And for more than a decade, one of the campus's most productive hit makers has been the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience, run by a 56-year-old neuroscientist and professor of psychology and psychiatry named Richard J. Davidson, PhD, who has been systematically uncovering the architecture of emotion.
Davidson, whose youthful appearance and wide-open smile give him more than a passing resemblance to Jerry Seinfeld, has been studying the brain structures behind not just anxiety, depression, and addiction but also happiness, resilience, and, most recently, compassion. Using brain imaging technologies, in particular a device called a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, a sort of Hubble telescope for the brain, Davidson and his researchers have observed the areas associated with various emotions and how their function changes as an individual moves through them. His "brain maps" have revealed the neural terrain of so-called normal adults and children, as well as those suffering from mood disorders and autism. Davidson has also studied a now rather famous group of subjects: Tibetan monks with years of Buddhist meditation under their gleaming pates.
Probably his most well-known study mapped the brains of employees at a biotech company, more than half of whom completed about three hours of meditation once a week led by Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. After four months, the meditating subjects noticed a boost in mood and decrease in anxiety, while their immune systems became measurably stronger. What made headlines, though ("The Science of Happiness" sang a January 2005 Time magazine cover), was that Davidson vividly showed that meditation produced a significant increase in activity in the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions and traits like optimism and resilience—the left prefrontal cortex. In meditating monks, he'd separately found, this area lit up like the lights in Times Square, showing activity beyond anything he and his team had ever seen—a neurological circuit board explaining their sunny serenity.
These and other findings of Davidson's have bolstered mounting research suggesting that the adult brain is changeable, or "plastic," as opposed to becoming fixed in adolescence. What this means is that although an individual may be born with a predisposition toward gloominess or anxiety, the emotional floor plan can be altered, the brain's furniture moved to a more felicitous arrangement; with a little training, you can coax a fretful mind toward a happier outlook. It's a new understanding of the brain that represents a paradigm shift of seismic importance, and one that's sent a steady stream of reporters out to Madison like pilgrims on the road to Santiago. Perhaps just as seismic is Davidson's "coming out of the closet" (his phrase) as a highly regarded, marquee-name brain researcher with a focus on contemplation, and a commitment to putting compassion and spirituality on the scientific map.
The letters on the license plate of Davidson's silvery green Subaru Outback spell out EMOTE, but the man himself does not ooze. Gentle and precise in his speech, he is the consummate scientist, curious, quietly passionate, and utterly on topic. And despite all the buzz about his work, he'll tell you simply that he has been chipping away at the same ideas about consciousness for more than three decades.
Raised in Brooklyn—his father was in the real estate business—Richie, as friends call him, is still married to his college sweetheart, Susan, a perinatologist and director of the perinatal program at St. Mary's Hospital and Dean Medical Center in Madison. They were born nine days and a few blocks apart; both graduated high school at 16 (she from Erasmus, he from Midwood), and both have graduate degrees in psychology from nearby universities: his from Harvard, hers from the University of Massachusetts. "You couldn't have arranged a better match," he says.
When they arrived in Cambridge in the early 1970s, every swami guru and his mother was selling his wares and giving lectures, says the Davidsons' old friend Jon Kabat-Zinn, who had recently completed his own PhD, in molecular biology at MIT: "You could get an alternate education just by going to all the talks." The first spiritual leader to touch Davidson was Richard Alpert, the Harvard professor who'd been fired for his liberal deployment of LSD among his students and was reborn, phoenixlike, as Ram Dass. Through him, Davidson learned "that there was a way to work on yourself to transform your way of being, to make you happier and more compassionate." And that way was meditation.
Another big influence was fellow student Daniel Goleman, who went on to become a psychologist and the author of Emotional Intelligence, among other books. In 1973 he had already traveled to India, developed a contemplative practice, and published papers about it. At that time, Goleman remembers, "there was a strong sense of the new, a sense of something that had not been realized or executed before, and that it had some sort of importance for the culture."
Two visuals that distill the period for Davidson are the memory of Goleman's bright red VW van, its dashboard decorated with photographs of lamas and yogis—as enticing and otherworldly as Ken Kesey's psychedelic school bus—and a 1974 snapshot of him and Goleman wearing Harvard T-shirts and sarongs in Sri Lanka, where Goleman was then living, and where Susan and Richie visited before embarking on their first meditation retreat in India.
"My professors were firmly convinced I was going off the deep end," Davidson says. "But I knew I was going to come back. I was committed to a scientific career. Still, I needed to taste more intensive meditation in that setting." And it was the hardest work he's ever done—16-hour days, two weeks of them, in utter silence. "Anyone who says meditation is relaxation doesn't know what they're talking about. It's like trying to change the course of a river."
When he returned from India, he finished his PhD and started to craft a research career around emotions, at the time the backwater of psychology. It was extraordinarily difficult. "The measuring devices were too crude," he says. "You couldn't see, as we can now, what was happening in the brain." And neuroscience barely existed.
.
"Richie was always kind of eclectic—he wasn't bound by any discipline," says Susan, who became, as her husband likes to say, a "real doctor." His roving interests made him an odd fit, initially, for some universities. "Richie had finished his degree at Harvard, been published in all these journals, but he would go to job interviews and they would say, 'Oh, you're too clinical for our psychology department, or too this for our that,'" Susan says. "People found him interesting, but they didn't want to commit."
What changed the face of his career, according to Davidson, was a meeting in 1992 with Tenzin Gyatso, otherwise known as the 14th Dalai Lama, who urged him to home in on compassion as the object of serious and rigorous study. "If you look at the index of any scientific textbook, you won't find the word compassion," Davidson says. "But it is as worthy a topic of examination as all the negative emotions—fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, disgust—that have long occupied the scientific community."
When I visit Davidson in Madison, where he and Susan have lived since 1985 and raised their children, Amelie, now 26, and Seth, 20, he tells me about his latest research: Reminding me that the Dalai Lama's mandate is to effect change in the world through the power of compassion, Davidson says, "If this is truly possible, then we should be able to discover circuits in the brain that underlie compassion and that are strengthened when it is cultivated."
His new studies on the monks—"the Olympic athletes of meditation," as he calls them—are designed to measure what happens when they engage specifically in compassion practice. So far, he's found that their brains show dramatic changes in two telling areas: increased activity not only in the prefrontal cortex—which floods them with well-being—but also in the areas involved with motor planning. It seems the monks are not just "feeling" good; their brains have primed their bodies to spring up and "do" good. "They are poised to jump into action and do whatever they can to help relieve suffering," Davidson says. (As for his own practice, Judaism is Davidson's "birth religion," but he characterizes his spiritual path as being most similar to a Buddhist one, though he hesitates to describe himself as a card-carrying devotee. Certainly all who know him say that Davidson is a glass-half-full sort of guy—his mother even called him her Joy Boy, while Susan says, "Richie is consistently upbeat." And yes, he has mapped parts of his own brain, and admits it "showed moderately strong left prefrontal activation.")
Whether generosity of spirit rubs off on others is another question Davidson has begun to probe. "We've launched a study with a highly trained, long-term Buddhist practitioner, looking at the impact of his compassionate attitude on ordinary individuals. We bring them into the MRI scanner, we expose them to pictures of suffering—gory accidents and things like that. We do this under two conditions: one where they are in the presence of an experimenter, and one where they are in the presence of the monk." Davidson is curious to see whether the results will bear out anecdotal reports that in the presence of an extremely compassionate person, you feel more relaxed, secure, loved, and safe
His team is also putting ordinary individuals, first-timers, through a two-week intervention that includes 30 minutes a day of compassion meditation. Davidson predicts changes in the brain regions associated with emotion and empathy as well as the subjects making more altruistic decisions: "They will also have the opportunity to give away some of what they earn for their participation in the study," he says. "We expect that those undergoing compassion training will donate more money."
The idea that compassion can be learned—and that the process can be measured scientifically—is what thrills Davidson. And he envisions compassion training in a variety of settings, from public schools to the corporate world. "Now we mostly have monks and other religious figures preaching about these ideas," he says. "It's quite another thing to have a hard-nosed neuroscientist like me suggest that such training may have beneficial consequences for how we act toward others as well as promoting health. Most people accept the idea that regular physical exercise is something they should do for the remainder of their lives. Imagine how different things might be if we accepted the notion that the regular practice of mental exercises to strengthen compassion is something to incorporate into everyday life."
To what extent can we really brighten our outlook? What is the best way to deflect stress? How can people become more resilient? Are there other ways aside from meditation to boost the brain? Many questions remain to be answered. It is a tantalizing prospect: that even a little more joy might be within everyone's reach. "I've been talking about happiness not as a trait but as a skill, like tennis," says Davidson. "If you want to be a good tennis player, you can't just pick up a racket—you have to practice."
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Peenemunde
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Start by closing your eyes and thinking about someone you love.
Compassion meditation involves silently repeating certain phrases that express the intention to move from judgment to caring, from isolation to connection, from indifference or dislike to understanding. You don't have to force a particular feeling or get rid of unpleasant or undesirable reactions; the power of the practice is in the wholehearted gathering of attention and energy, and concentrating on each phrase. You can begin with a 20-minute session and increase the time gradually until you are meditating for half an hour at a time. If your mind wanders, don't be concerned. Notice whatever has captured your attention, let go of the thought or feeling, and simply return to the phrases. If you have to do that over and over again, it is fine.
•To begin, take a comfortable position. You may want to sit in a chair or on cushions on the floor (just make sure your back is erect without being strained or overarched). You can also lie down. Take a few deep, soft breaths to let your body settle.
•Closing your eyes or leaving them slightly open, start by thinking of someone you care about already—perhaps she's been good or inspiring to you. You can visualize this person or say her name to yourself, get a feeling for her presence, and silently offer phrases of compassion to her. The typical phrases are: "May you be free of pain and sorrow. May you be well and happy." But you can alter these, or use others that have personal significance.
•After a few minutes, shift your attention inward and offer the phrases of compassion to yourself: "May I be free of pain and sorrow. May I be well and happy."
•Then, after some time, move on to someone you find difficult. Get a feeling for the person's presence, and offer the phrases of compassion to her.
•Then turn to someone you've barely met—the supermarket checkout woman or UPS man. Even without knowing his or her name, you can get a sense of the person, perhaps an image, and offer the phrases of compassion.
•We close with the offering of compassion to people everywhere, to all forms of life, without limit, without exception: "May all beings be free of pain and sorrow. May all be well and happy."
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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That sounds like good stuff. Have you tried it? Does it work, or are you just scratching your back?
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Lost Arrow
Trad climber
The North Ridge of the San Fernando
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 17, 2010 - 06:26am PT
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I went and met my new physicist Fri afternoon. He told me I was being giving the wrong meds. He wants me back on a SSRI I have had so much help with in the past.
He wants to give me new meds to get my sleep under control.
Will maintain my Xanax until I can be weaned off it.
Whats to spend am hour a week doing cognitive therapy as I see a very distorted view of the world. I see a world of fear.
So I am feeling better.
Juan
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Lost Arrow
Trad climber
The North Ridge of the San Fernando
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 17, 2010 - 06:46am PT
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Where you off to Dingus?
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Tobia
Social climber
GA
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Apr 17, 2010 - 08:01am PT
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Dingus:
I suffer from similar patterns in sleep. Sometimes I have to go to bed as soon as I get home from work, sleep a few hours and awake until the wee hours, then fall asleep long enough to say I was asleep before the alarm goes off for work.
That is one pattern and is ok to live with. The other phase is when I sleep from about 11 p.m. until 1:00 a.m. and up until the next night at 11... this goes on for 6 or 7 days until I am so exhausted I sleep for 16 hours or so.
This is tough to deal with because I am wired while I am awake. I had a big rig hauling logs & mail for awhile and it was ok because driving a truck at night is much easier than daytime driving; besides less traffic it is always a quick unloading process and less personality to deal with. As a teacher this pattern is disastrous.
The other pattern is interrupted sleep but normal hours; every once in awhile 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. When that happens I feel 15 years younger and usually have a great day.
I tried all the sleep meds and my own. I did a lot of reading and research about how to deal with it and discovered the best thing to do is just live with it. The myth that humans need and usually get 8 hours of interrupted sleep is baloney. The wonderful world of advertising has convinced us that we should sleep like babies and something is wrong if we don't. Agreeably it is wonderful to sleep like that; people that do are fortunate. Historically speaking it hasn't ever been part of life.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
Nowhere
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From Jeff in April (in the original post of this thread):
For the last month I have been trying to beat my depression with will power alone. This is not working, I cannot sleep, I grow more fatigued each day and start thinking dark thoughs.
I have family mememeber telling me to just snap out of it. I wish it was that easy.
Its like getting up a climb without the necessary strenght to do the moves.
I had to call in sick to work as I sleept 1 hour.
Whats the next step I need to take. New Doctor. Hospital.
I am starting to give up hope.
A little compassion and suggestions would be very nice.
Juan
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Daphne
Trad climber
Mill Valley, CA
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Aug 2, 2010 - 02:31pm PT
There's so many resources needed to support a suicidal person. Please make a note of this toll free 24 hour number for someone you know who may be struggling. They might not use it but giving it will let them know you care that they live
1(800)273-8255 (TALK)
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Mimi
climber
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Aug 11, 2010 - 11:03pm PT
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Jeff's post on April 17th was telling. Something didn't work out by the time May 25th rolled around. So terribly sad that he felt compelled to end his life.
"I went and met my new physicist Fri afternoon. He told me I was being giving the wrong meds. He wants me back on a SSRI I have had so much help with in the past.
He wants to give me new meds to get my sleep under control.
Will maintain my Xanax until I can be weaned off it.
Whats to spend am hour a week doing cognitive therapy as I see a very distorted view of the world. I see a world of fear.
So I am feeling better." Juan
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TripL7
Trad climber
san diego
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Aug 13, 2010 - 05:00am PT
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Daphne- "Please make a note of this *TOLL FREE 24 HOUR NUMBER* for someone you know who may be struggling."
*1(800)273-8255(TALK)*
Thanks, Daphne!!
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Demented
climber
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Bump.
Been riding high on Wellbutrin for the last 2 1/2 weeks. The crash came hard last night. There is no free lunch.
Just trying to make it through today (and no, alcohol feels good but does not help...
More later.
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nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
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Sometimes it's darkest before you see the light.
What means the most to you in this life?
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
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Very depressing to see how the cycle formed before he took his own life. He really was a great guy...
It's ridicules to tear apart others as if people are indestructible. We are not. Words can kill and... They can save. Be careful what you say.
We need each other, we need to be there because it does count in a million ways.
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nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
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toadgas, I suspect depression is at least as common in the broader public as it is within the climbing community. One difference we might note is that people feel more comfortable sharing with "strangers" in this forum more readily than walking down the street or with someone you met 5 minutes ago climbing. So we actually become aware of the issue here, where we normally walk past it in our tangible life. How many people meet your eyes when you walk down the street? Mostly people are too busy or too afraid to see or be seen.
I think there is something therapeutic in these forums, something that makes it easier for some people to connect in a personally meaningful way more frequently than they are able to do in tangible life (either because of personal inhibitions, or work schedules, geographic isolation, or whatever). I think this is true for me at least.
+1 for what Anastasia said.
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Tobia
Social climber
GA
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Toadgas,
You hit the nail on the head. The days I feel "good" are the ones that at the days end I am completely exhausted from activities out of doors. It isn't always aerobic or fast paced activities like running. Mainly tasks like splitting wood, moving dirt or any other energy depleting activity. Activities that are more aligned with work than pleasure. Leisure activities per se seem less fulfilling than stacking stones.
I don't get the endorphin rush as I do with something like a long run; more of a satisfied mind because I have earned my salt or something like that.
Anastasia,
May your kindness seep through all the posts on this forum.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Isn't it about the one year anniversary of Juan's death? Still think about him often.
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Papillon Rendre
Social climber
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Jun 13, 2011 - 11:05pm PT
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My son's close friend hung himself last Friday.
Tyler was the happiest young man and he never showed any signs of depression or sadness. The entire sophomore class loved him.
He was an athlete, scholar and barely 16.
I googled teen suicide and was shocked to learn the percentage of teens who attempt suicide and the percentage who succeed.
Please keep your children safe.
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
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Jun 13, 2011 - 11:07pm PT
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Life is stranger than fiction. Really is...
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Jun 13, 2011 - 11:23pm PT
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I'm sorry about your sons friend. I hid my problems with depression all through High school. I was seen as a happy kid. Now.. Most days I'm surprised I'm still alive.
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Karen
Trad climber
So Cal urban sprawl Hell
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Jun 14, 2011 - 12:25am PT
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what I'd like to know If a person is put on an SSRI and they go totally manic are they bipolar?
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Jun 14, 2011 - 12:55am PT
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what I'd like to know If a person is put on an SSRI and they go totally manic are they bipolar?
WARNING.. what you are about to read is opinion. I am not a doctor. ( I know you know that, but some people freak out.. eek!!! )
There are studies that say SSRIs can cause mania.. Here is a page with a bunch of studies. I don't know how legit they are.
http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/antidepressants-ADF.htm
Scroll down a ways and look at the headings.
Here is just one of them..
http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/paxil-study-mania.htm
By the way.. which SSRI? I have had SSRI induced mania.
.....
Maybe one of the docs will chime in.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Jun 14, 2011 - 12:59am PT
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Karen,
A long time ago I was prescribed Zoloft and left unsupervised and in retrospect I believe I was manic for a few months. I have never been diagnosed as bipolar just depressed. Recently I decided to stop taking psych meds altogether, replacing them with daily qigong practise, I've never felt better (touch wood).
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Nov 15, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
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I forget what I was searching for, but I came across this.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Nov 16, 2012 - 12:05am PT
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On April 1, 2010, Jeff Batten posted:
For the last month I have been trying to beat my depression with will power alone. This is not working, I cannot sleep, I grow more fatigued each day and start thinking dark thoughs.
I have family mememeber telling me to just snap out of it. I wish it was that easy.
Its like getting up a climb without the necessary strenght to do the moves.
I had to call in sick to work as I sleept 1 hour.
Whats the next step I need to take. New Doctor. Hospital.
I am starting to give up hope.
A little compassion and suggestions would be very nice.
Juan
On May 25, 2010 he was gone.
Public records show that our friend Jeff Batten has left us, on May 25th, 2010
He posted as Juan de fuca, prowsolo, the general, rockstar, lostarrow and other alias.
And he was the original internet troll on the subject of climbing, dating far back into the usenet board Rec.climbing, before the web had such communications.
For a long time, Jeff's posts were merely trolls, sometime appreciated, sometimes resented. But as time went on, Jeff opening up and shared more and more of himself with the online community. His scientific interests, his struggles with physical pain and depression, and his explorations into spirituality. He was our taco seismograph.
I choose to believe that Jeff is relieved from his struggles now, after facing them and exploring many ways of inner peace. I offer condolences for those who knew and will miss him. We will.
Perhaps we can post some of his classic trolls, cartoons featuring Jeff by Ouch (another fallen brother) and some of his other sharings.
Fly high Jeff, on your greatest adventure since soloing the Prow.
Peace
Karl
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other
Trad climber
LA, CA
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Nov 16, 2012 - 04:10am PT
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My climbing partner killed himself. He was clinically depressed and would not take prescribed meds. He was 45.
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AP
Trad climber
Calgary
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Nov 16, 2012 - 01:56pm PT
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I have suffered a few periods in my life where I could not sleep for months on end. It just hammers a person and makes living day to day very difficult.
I was lucky enough to know the real cause of this state. It was always work related, working too hard, working in the wrong situation, work stress etc.
I am fortunate that I was able to go to part time work(60%) in blocks so I have 12 days off at a time. The time off means I can spend lots of time in the outdoors, do a lot more climbing, and take some good holidays. This has the effect of cleaning my brain so I am enthusiastic and very productive when I get back to work. My productivity per hour has increased so my employers are actually getting a good deal.
People are reluctant to talk about their problems because we don't want to be seen as weak.
If you can identify the underlying cause of the issues then there is the possibility of fixing things.
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covelocos
Trad climber
Nor Cal
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Nov 16, 2012 - 02:14pm PT
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I suffered what felt like a bout of depression in the 90's when 'we' invaded Kuait. Listening to NPR describe bombs falling while my children ran naked thru the poppies in the meadow. This lasted several months and resulted in alienating myself from my family and friends. I found relief one day in about ten min. when I came across the mental health chapter in 'The Better Homes and gardens guide to family health'. I know that my problem is not the same as anyone else necessarily. but to gain that insight saved me from who knows what. Oh yeah. then I found climbing!
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enjoimx
Trad climber
Yosemite, ca
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Nov 16, 2012 - 03:42pm PT
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So what was your insight Cove?
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Jingy
climber
Somewhere out there
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Aug 12, 2014 - 10:32am PT
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Look, the fact that you've been through what you've been through personally should be the evidence I point to.
The fact that you are here to write this should be enough to stick with it. A new idea is just around the corner, a new way of thinking about this happens.
If you notice yourself starting to cycle your thoughts, shut it off with a hum (secret - you are in control of your head more than you think).
Keep it up
Cheers
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Aug 12, 2014 - 10:42am PT
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thanks for the bump and the success story, swelly.
my trip is cyclical.
one week i'm conquering my world, and then some,
and the next week i recede into a self-imposed beating.
i recognize it,
and have dabbled with ill-coping mechanisms.
for now, i just ride it out,
and await the return of the my hyper-glow.
the highs and my accomplishments during such
are what emotionally drag me thru the down times.
i forsee a time when
i am less able in the body,
and thus will become more
prone to extended lows,
as i will lack the verve
to re-ignite my dim torch.
we'll see, huh.
when the light shines.
and we'll see
when it doesn't.
i haven't a self-concern, nor a selfish care in the world.
i am very much extended in
building up and protecting my two lovely daughters.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 12, 2014 - 10:49am PT
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Some non-doc advice:
Get advice from your doctor. The internet is fine, but you get what you pay for here.
Be very wary of advice from those who do not experience your condition. Their advice tends towards the exercise/diet/sleep - everything will be OK line. Good advice for anyone, of course, but that often isn't enough.
Examining one's life philosophy (Choice Theory and Rational Emotive Therapy is a good start) can also help short circuit those downward spiraling thoughts.
If you're a diabetic, you take insulin. Nobody says boo. If you suffer from depression and you take meds, some folks still think that's not the proper course of action.
Ignore them. Do what works for you.
And track your moods daily. Jot down some data to track what does and doesn't work.
Here's one not a lot of folks think about: suicides often happen not when a person is most deeply depressed (when there isn't enough motivation to act - but when they are climbing out of a period of depression, and 'seem to be getting better', and so have the motivation to act.
Life may serve you a sh#t sandwich, and you may have to eat some of it, but you can also change restaurants.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Aug 12, 2014 - 10:58am PT
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i concur,
and i am methodically
instigating a vast change
in my domain:
i am selling the home that i built
and our mountain cabin;
and then reinvesting the equity
in a humble shack
with no land
and thus i'll be responsible
for 300 dollars a month shelter expense.
the old mid-life is creeping in (i'm 40)
and i am dodging crisis
by increasing my situational elasticity.
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coolrockclimberguy69
climber
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:02am PT
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And furthermore, f*#k all these tough-love shitlords throwing around words like "cowardly" and "selfish".
If you don't have depression, you need to shut the f*#k up about suicide. Have some empathy and thank your dear lord in heaven that you don't have it because it f*#king sucks.
/rant
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:04am PT
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Mental health issues are a huge problem in the US. . .
and still looked on as 'weakness'. . .
Unfortunately they're a real disease. . .
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:13am PT
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Yeah, the drinking has to go. 100%. So much easier and less stressful than trying to 'manage it'.
Mos def step one. Gotta get to a baseline to track the positive results of any experimentation.
I know several friends who just have a glass of wine a night or every other night but let even that low level of consumption go. They report feeling incredibly better and more vibrant - more energy in the evening - brighter i in the morning.
They're always surprised at the negative effects of even a wee bit o' the sauce.
Oh, and it goes without saying - lose the guns and pills. The stats are grim there.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:17am PT
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no. i hold on to my off-track love affair with beer.
but i only enjoy liaisons maybe twice a month;
the criteria being that
i have more than one day to myself.
i.e. the girls go out of town with mom,
or i'm allotted a daddy holiday in strawberry.
but basically i never drink around
anyone that i love.
i get along just fine with my inner dirtbag.
it's those around me whom love me that clash
with my filthy heart.
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crankster
Trad climber
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:21am PT
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Those that don't know, don't know.
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pyro
Big Wall climber
Calabasas
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:23am PT
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juan defuca will always be missed!
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PAUL SOUZA
Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:30am PT
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If anyone ever feels that they need someone to talk to, referrals, advice, please don't hesitate to shoot me an e-mail. In the essence of full disclosure, I am an MFT intern, will be graduating this Fall, and currently see clients. The common denominator in depression is feeling alone. There is a difference between being along and feeling alone. There is tons of help available, you just need to find the courage to ask.
As for the outsiders, the best thing you can do is to sit quietly and be an active listener. Ask questions to understand the person's world through their own eyes. Depression and personality disorders are a result of trauma. Most people have no idea how much the people around them are suffering. Suffering from years of physical, mental, sexual, and emotional abuse, and neglect. Don't make the conversation about yourself by telling the person how you got through a situation. You will lose that person. People don't like being told what they should and shouldn't do. Listen and have some compassion. You may just save someone's life just by simply listening and getting them to see a professional.
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anita514
Gym climber
Great White North
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:31am PT
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And furthermore, f*#k all these tough-love shitlords throwing around words like "cowardly" and "selfish".
If you don't have depression, you need to shut the f*#k up about suicide. Have some empathy and thank your dear lord in heaven that you don't have it because it f*#king sucks.
word
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 12, 2014 - 11:33am PT
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Depression is largely genetic. The idea that it is the result of trauma - the 'you're damaged goods' theory - is dated and, in many cases, counterproductive towards achieving a better outcome.
The hard fact is - neither you nor anyone else can discern the root cause of your depression - but that doesn't matter. Searching for a cause you will not find is an utter waste of time and money. All you need to know is that you experience it, and all you need to focus on is what positive steps you can take in the present to mitigate it.
Listening is good, but dragging someone through whatever life trauma they've experienced can backfire and produce a worse outcome. Anyone want to re-experience those negative emotions based on a bunch of highly altered memories? "Understanding your past" doesn't necessarily equate to making better choices now, and that, after all, is the end game.
Such a strategy, while well-meaning, can also reinforce a victim mentality - not a great baseline for good decision making going forward. It can increase defensiveness and other socially counterproductive behaviors which can eventually make things worse, not better.
A much better strategy for many is to live in and appreciate the present, look towards the future, and realize the power we have to make choices to make things better - now.
The past is gone. F*#k the past. THAT realization is true power. That may seem like harder cheese at first, but hey, hard cheese keeps longer. Healthy and intimate peer relationships with people who 'get it' - are key to this process. Having a strategy to find and build these relationships, not always easy at times, should be a focus.
Do what works for you, of course. My somewhat limited experience with therapists was neutral results at best, and sharply negative results at times. The efficacy of therapists is very much in doubt in general. What I've found has helped far more was some group time with other folks in similar circumstances.
Anyone who feels 'crazy' might be reminded that 8 out of 10 Americans believes in angels.
Winged supernatural humanoids with magical powers who live forever. Jesus.
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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Aug 12, 2014 - 02:27pm PT
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^^^you had some very bad therapists
And, it is not true that depression is not correlated with early childhood trauma. In fact we know a lot more about that correlation than we ever did.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 12, 2014 - 03:02pm PT
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One was neutral or slightly helpful, the other was unethical. Nothing too sordid, but I won't go into it here, obviously.
I never stated that depression is not correlated with trauma. The post I responded to claimed it was caused by trauma, and this is not at all accurate. What we know as of today is that about half of it is genetics.
The causes of depression are, as yet, still not well understood. And each individual's case is different. An assumption of trauma - or the existence of trauma and an assumption that it is the root cause of any particular case of depression, is dangerous, in that it can easily lead to the wrong treatment path - skipping over more effective strategies.
My point still stands. Trying to tease out the cause of depression is largely a waste of time and money. It's much more effective to assess the situation today and establish, and I mean on day one, concrete actions that can be taken to mitigate it's effects. There's little compelling evidence, in the aggregate, that talking about Mommy Dearest ad nauseum has proven to be a particularly effective long term strategy at moving forward and actually mitigating depression's effects.
It does tend to burn more therapist hours, however.
This is not a critique of therapy in general. There are excellent therapists out there who do not drag their subjects down this rat hole.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Aug 12, 2014 - 03:19pm PT
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i like my depression.
it is a tool that i invented
and employ to further my festival.
i realize that for some,
it is a detriment,
but i would move
that many people
do not completely villianize the emotion.
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Aug 12, 2014 - 03:22pm PT
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Depression is largely genetic.
This is a futile argument! i also read,"depression is caused by genetics".
This comes from the bleachers that says, "Matter invented consciousness"
Government and Big Business dangled this carrot back in the 90's, "depression is a disease" along with addictions like alcoholism. This gave BB and the Pharmaceutical companies the green light to treat humans by the millions like ginny-pigs and dive into their minds with the advertisement of a miracle pill. With Gov confirming it a disease, insurance companies are liable for payment. It's a win-win for business and government, but NOT for the you!!
Genetically, cells are adaptive. They can LEARN. LIke the Brain, the MOST sophisticated learning device in the universe! The body, and it's cells remember this learning. This in a nutshell IS Evolution.
Once you teach your body how to feel depressed, Yea, depression becomes part of your genetic makeup. Over time, the more your brain adds to the feeling of depression, the easier it is for the body to fall in that state.
On the flip-side, Are you Joyful because your genetically inclined to be?
Are the "joyful cells" in your body predetermined? Are you only ever going to be as happy as your DNA sez can be? That's Preposterous!
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Inventioneer
Boulder climber
Mountain View, CA
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Aug 12, 2014 - 03:25pm PT
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Wow, Lost Arrow, wish I had magic words for you. My mom was bipolar and ended her life. I have an Iraq War vet son who is bipolar and chronically suicidal. In my youth in the 1970s I was "situationally" depressed all the time because I wanted to save the world even though the world didn't want to be saved. So I understand and don't understand depression. If it's merely situational then you can think your way out of it or mature your way out of it like I eventually did, but if it's organic I don't know whether or not meds will work for you. I do know this, you can't fool yourself like Robin Williams finally realized. You can't hike your way out of it or climb your way out of it, and I think Yabo proved that. It's a pathetic myth that "mountaineering builds character". I still recall being all alone at high altitude in the most gorgeous remote recesses of the Sierra in my twenties and crying in my tent because I was so depressed, unable to see the beauty all around me. I even tried to off myself with my propane burner by letting it run inside my tent without a flame. I respect your honesty to post an appeal. Maybe it's corny, but at least that's your first move in a positive direction. Hmm, are there depression support groups like AA/NA? I know, sounds depressing to sit around talking about being depressed with depressed people (Robin Williams would have had a blast with that idea) but it's just a thought. Good luck, I hope you find a lasting living way past this.
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crankster
Trad climber
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Aug 12, 2014 - 03:35pm PT
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i like my depression.
it is a tool that i invented
and employ to further my festival.
This does not ring true.
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Aug 12, 2014 - 04:04pm PT
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do not completely vililanize the emotion.
Naw. Depression is no villain. It's her brother, Anger
Anger is the one that causes life altering events.
i believe depression allows the quietness for the soul to be heard..
It is a direct line to pure raw honesty.
There is no better pill for dispensing depression than Truth!
Truth causes the Sun to shine and the Heart to glow!
consuming mind altering chemicals, is the samething as applying earplugs.
in essence ur stomping your feet saying "No No NO, i don't want to know the truth, I just want to be happy right NOW! For F#cks sake i won't even make it to be 40." Then one day you wake up and ur 50. And more f#cked. like me wuz
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PAUL SOUZA
Trad climber
Central Valley, CA
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Aug 12, 2014 - 06:51pm PT
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Depression is largely genetic. The idea that it is the result of trauma - the 'you're damaged goods' theory - is dated and, in many cases, counterproductive towards achieving a better outcome.
Are you f*#king kidding me??!?!?!
I wish you and people that ascribe to this BS could sit and watch the people that I see in therapy. So the YEARS of physical and sexual abuse as a child and on into adulthood have NO bearing on a person's emotional well-being?
FACT of the matter is is that most personality disorders and some psychotic disorders are born out of trauma. Do YOU know what it's like to have a gun in your mouth as a child or teenager ready to check out because you cannot escape the war zone that is your house?
Your ignorance is dangerous and is what perpetuates these bullshit myths.
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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Aug 12, 2014 - 07:12pm PT
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^^^ go Paul!
Ignorance is definitely dangerous.
I sit with depressives of many clinical types in my practice. What they all have in common is negative self-talk. Wonky brain chemistry doesn't allow them to hold onto positive thoughts. It is why medication can be such a miracle-- when the chemistry changes, the possibility of positivity becomes more available.
But it isn't a certainty.
Someone in this thread said they go for any action that could possibly help, and that is really the best way to treat depression. Medication, psychotherapy (good psychotherapy and good psychiatry can be quite hard to find and very expensive, btw), nutrition, exercise, social engagement, community, being of service, spiritual development (whether that's formal religion or connecting with nature, it doesn't matter) acupuncture, dancing, really, all the things that are nourishing are needed to be integrated. And if you are depressed this is going to take time, sometimes a long time. Way more time than those people around you have patience for.
I also want to point out that it seems that Robin WIlliams was being treated for bi-polar disorder, a different animal from simply situational depression, dysthymic depression or even severe clinical depressive disorder. The brain chemistry in this case is balanced on a knife edge.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Aug 12, 2014 - 09:23pm PT
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^ Agreed.
I feel sad for those who don't get it, or seemingly don't want to get it. I feel sad for the sadness/pain they cause others with their words. Tragic.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 12, 2014 - 09:23pm PT
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I got my information from Stanford's School of Medicine page on depression, but what do they know?
One thing I look for in a therapist is their propensity for losing their sh#t when their erroneous information is challenged by data.
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Ken M
Mountain climber
Los Angeles, Ca
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Aug 13, 2014 - 12:16am PT
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As a practicing medical physician, I also want to point out that there are a variety of medical problems that can show up as depression (the classic is low thyroid), or that can make depression worse. These things are actually common, and most people who have new onset of depression may benefit from a general medical workup.
In the medical school in which I teach (USC), I frequently point out that the burden of major depression may manifest a whole variety of medical symptoms. One approach that is often taken is to attempt to treat everything simultaneously, which can often result in a pile of pills to be taken.
Personally, I prefer to try to take the edge off only....this often results in a dramatic improvement. I also refer most patient for "talk therapy", which many patients find helpful in a number of ways.
For example, most depressed patients have a coexisting sleep disorder, and the chronic tiredness associated with that would wear anyone down. making that better helps most people, sometimes dramatically.
Stanford's ok. I guess.
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colin rowe
Trad climber
scotland uk
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Aug 13, 2014 - 02:57am PT
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The evidence base for depression suggests Cognitive Behavioural Therapy combined with an anti-depressant. With mild to moderate depression behavioural activation will be used. This is a structured, behavioural approach which encourages goal driven activity despite an individual's current mood: goal driven rather than mood driven behaviour. The idea is to activate pleasurable activity. If climbing is something that once gave you pleasure, begin climbing again, despite your mood suggesting otherwise. Cognitions or thoughts can be considered behaviour too and unhelpful thoughts can be challenged too. There are many self-help books such as Christine Padesky's Mind over Mood that can be of help.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Aug 13, 2014 - 03:11am PT
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I think about Juan occasionally, and the other people known to have lost their struggle with the black dog. I wrote Juan several emails when he was expressing his struggles on this thread. I don't know if he ever read them or got them. He never responded. I think of him and his desperation often.
I keep fighting, it keeps fighting and only time will tell who will finally overcome. It may end up being a draw.
There are a lot of opinions expressed here, some by professionals who treat depression by teaching coping skills and/or prescribing medicine to offset the disease or both. There are other opinions of speculation about the disease and some of those seem totally senseless.
As I stated up thread, I have been wrestling with this disease since I was born. Some of my earliest memories are dark. I can remember feeling all alone in a family of 9, in a kindergarten class of 25, in my bed late at night with two of my brothers sleeping beside me.
I have been categorized as having Borderline Personality Disorder (I interpret that as bordering on having a personality because of my extreme low self-esteem, total lack of self confidence and social grace). I also have three types of anxiety disorders, the Generalized Anxiety, Panic and Social types.
There seems to be two causative factors that allow the black dog to control my mind. Sometimes I wake up with him controlling my mind and then there are circumstances that seem to trigger his attack. I have been learning methods of resisting the latter of these two causes and have had some success.
The former, there is no control. It just happens. I have no more control over these attacks than I do the weather. I try to fight back, to get out of bed and exercise, work or engage other people; but it never works. I finally give up and just ride it out. It may last a day, other times a week or so.
In the past I was treated for Bipolar; but that was a long time ago, some 36 years, (when it was labeled manic depression). I never thought much of that because I rarely hit the manic stage that is common to people who suffer this disorder.
The TMS treatment I underwent helped tremendously in some ways; but not so much in other ways. Again there is no magic cure.
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=2220943&msg=2220943#msg2220943
I have had one booster round since the initial program; but I can't afford another round and am not sure if I would benefit.
In the last 3 months I have had serious lows, the extreme ones where I contemplate death as the only solution. The pain is just overbearing, there is no hope and my Christian faith seems to wain. The only thing that stops me from following through are my two dogs and deciding how to do it. I also pray that the pain will end and it usually does; although during these episodes, I don't have any memory of not suffering the crippling effects, happiness is neither remembered and unimaginable.
Physical pain bears no resemblance to mental pain. I can and do endure physical pain, and in some veins I thrive on it; as in endurance sports. Mental pain has no bounds, no threshold and seemingly has the ability to cripple all other strengths. This is especially pertinent when considering that there seems no underlying cause of the anguish; such as the loss of a loved one, financial distress, a broken romance or any kind of assorted disappointments that are experienced in life.
My therapist discontinued my treatments because she had left the hospital where I started cognitive therapy with her. She left due to the corporate setting of a mental hospital to set up shop in a smaller group where she was less restricted. I was seeing her there; but she said that she was recommending me to another group because my suicidal tendencies worried her and caused her anxiety. The anxiety was her fear that I might follow through with my obsession with death and that she would feel responsible (not liable) and because she no longer worked in a hospital setting where she could get immediate feedback from the M.D.'s and other staff, she was not comfortable treating me.
That was a serious blow to my recovery, I had grown very comfortable expressing my thoughts, problems and fears to her. I felt like I was being abandoned, given up on. I felt just like I did when my wife left in the middle of the night, because, I believe she could not deal with the dog.
The fact of the matter is that her concerns were real. I have since met with her and she explained her concerns and the foundations of her decision. At the time of that visit, I was not depressed and it made sense to me. I felt guilty for causing her that much anguish.
I haven't started therapy with the recommended group she provided as I have a history with them. I spent about 5 years in the'90s with a therapist there, 2-3 times a week. They now charge $165/hour. They won't settle for the 80% medicare pays. So it is a useless proposition.
I don't think I will start over again, as it is very difficult to establish a level of trust with a therapist.
I have been "up" for four weeks now. I have riding my bike, socializing a little and taking care of the business of life, such as addressing financial problems, maintaining my property and dealing with issues that usually get brushed aside. It is hard to imagine what the black dog days or like when I feel this way.
The trouble with being up is I know I will sooner or late wake up with the dog on my back. It is inevitable; as involuntary as my heartbeat.
I take medicine for anxiety and a low voltage sleeping aid. I get 5 hours of sleep instead of two now. That in itself if is makes life worth living. Sleep is necessary to feel human.
Here is a link to a short video that someone emailed me today, because I have been using the term "black dog" every since I read that Winston Churchill used it to describe his struggle with depression.
It doesn't express the exact magnitude of my struggle, nor some other factors; but I believe it will show people who don't understand depression or feel like they are alone in their struggle the realities.
I don't think I will ever be cured, and I pray (today) that he never wins. When he is on me, I pray for death. I don't run away from it, I just grow weary of the struggle. Obviously part of my own therapy is write or talk about it, not just for my benefit; but for others who don't know the dog is on their heels.
One last thing, for the non-believers or people who are not Christian or a follower of some other faith, you are jeopardizing someone's hope that they can cope with this disease. Keep the negative vibes to yourself, what do you gain by discouraging someone from believing when they are struggling with surviving? In essence you are contributing to their demise. I was an atheist until I had given up all hope and had my 9mm at my temple, trying to find a reason not to off myself, the pain was too much to bear. If it wasn't for divine intervention I would be dead. You don't have to accept that as real; but I do because I experienced it. It is faith that props me up. So please don't present arguments about someone's personal believe when the topic of depression is at hand. Save it for another thread.
Well enough, I didn't set out to write as much as I did, I just wanted to post the video.
http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?c=ufb4
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anita514
Gym climber
Great White North
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Aug 13, 2014 - 04:02am PT
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thanks for sharing, Tobia
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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Aug 13, 2014 - 05:53am PT
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Tobia thank you for sharing. Heavy stuff. I can't imagine what you're going through man. I hope you find the strength and courage to face today knowing that people around you need you and want you to enjoy today for what it is, a new day. Sometimes its one day at a time man.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Aug 13, 2014 - 07:38am PT
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Tobia. Wow. Thanks man.
I've suffered from depression for most of my life too. I was going to write this post this sping on my recovery thread but I never got around to it. Depression is a tough thing to write about. You don't even want to think about it when you're up and actually feel like being productive...
As a kid i experienced a lot of teasing and bullying, thanks to my size, as well as joining a tight knit group of kids who had been together since kindergarten in a small community that i had just moved to. I was never really accepted by them and was teased constantly. I ended up in the principal's office regularily for fighting back.
I thought often about killing myself often during all this, and it was always tough to find happiness. Most of my classmates who i did end up making friends with would always seem like they didn't want to be seen with me when the cool kids were around...
By grade six i had developed a pretty tough shell, and had learned to not care about others bullshit opinons... I became a loner pretty much, except for my best friend who had moved to my home town that year. He was a god send. I honestly don't know if i could have turned my life around without his compainonship.
Junior high got easier, as i devolped my shell more and more. By high school i simply didn't give a fvck about anyone else's opinion. I found snowboarding, my first real love. This gave me much joy.
Moving to Whistler was probably the best thing i could have done for my mental state after high school. Meeting new people with no pre concieved idea of who i was and making friends who actually seemed like they had my back. Riding a 100+ days a season and partying all the time, kept me distracted from my mental issues, but i would have lows during summers before i discovered mountain biking. The lows weren't as low anymore though, i don't remember any time during my twenties or early thirties where i actaully thought about pulling the trigger.
Then I broke my back. I knew from past experience that i simply could not let myself slide down that road. My counsellor, physios, nurses, and doctors, kept me going physically and emotionally and progress, and my friends and family plus all the great people who took the time to talk to me on my recovery thread really boosted my spirits. I know i walked out of Gf Strong because of this support, so thanks again supertopo for that!!!
When i got home though.. It was a different story... Life beat me down. Bigtime. I tried to remain postive but the false reality was cracking at the seams. I could not function as i used to and everything was now harder. I worked with a friend of sandra's who is a physical trainer at meadow park, which helped a lot. She got me motivated to get to the gym and train to get my body stronger. Then she hurt herself and couldn't train with me for awhile, and i crashed hard this time.
I sat at home all day, while the boys went to work. I was barely able to bring myself to do the required admin stuff to keep my business running. I smoked way too much and this fed into my apathy. I started to entertain thoughts of suicide again. What kept me from them was knowing how sad all my friends and family and the not wanting to disapoint the kind people at supertopo after all the supoort they had given.
Sandra tried to get me to see a shrink but i just never got there. I've always been suspect about them.. I know it could help but i'm pretty damn stubborn sometimes.
Finally one of my employees called me out on it and said "just come to work." "You need to get out of the house and you'll feel better." So i did. At first it really sucked, but then i did start to feel better and day to day stuff was easier.
Then we went to Yosemite for facelift, which was fun, but also annoying cause Sandra was sick and stressted to the max the whole time and i was limited in what i could actually accomplish and still dealing with a lot of pain issues. When i got home i kind slipped into a lull again. Not as bad as before, and when i started snowboarding again that helped a bit.
I no longer entertained thoughts of death but it was hard for me to get motivated to get up in the morning or if i did get out of bed, leave the general vicinity of my couch. Once again smoking just perpetuated the cycle. a couple things happened that helped break this spell. First, Tricouni called out of the blue to see how i was doing. That was definitely a shot in the arm as i've always enjoyed talking to glenn. We talked a bit about my depression and he told me to keep me chin up. Then chuck started bugging me about the nose, and i realized i had better get training if i was going to have a decent shot at that goal.
So i booked my personal trainer again for a month and got off my ass and got stronger. Then i went to Yosemite and met Chuck. After hanging out together and having lots of fun in the valley my brain had clicked. I never noticed when it happened but i've been stoked ever since.
I've had my ups and downs for sure, but never that low, don't care feeling i had all last winter.
I feel very lucky that my depression doesn't seem as severe as Juan's was, or Tobia's is. It's still there though, and i still have to deal with it. Luckily i've figured out some coping measures..
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Aug 13, 2014 - 09:28am PT
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Oh my. Mike and Tobia I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me.
Thank you for still being here.
Susan
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 13, 2014 - 10:45am PT
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"The evidence base for depression suggests Cognitive Behavioural Therapy combined with an anti-depressant. With mild to moderate depression behavioural activation will be used. This is a structured, behavioural approach which encourages goal driven activity despite an individual's current mood: goal driven rather than mood driven behaviour. The idea is to activate pleasurable activity. If climbing is something that once gave you pleasure, begin climbing again, despite your mood suggesting otherwise. Cognitions or thoughts can be considered behaviour too and unhelpful thoughts can be challenged too. There are many self-help books such as Christine Padesky's Mind over Mood that can be of help."
Yup. Best post yet. This is what has worked best for myself and several friends - most of whom suffered little to no childhood trauma.
Healthy lifestyle assumed as a baseline, of course.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Aug 13, 2014 - 12:22pm PT
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I got my information from Stanford's School of Medicine page on depression, but what do they know?
When your main tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I have a deep and abiding respect for science, engineering, and all things analytical. But we must also have humility to recognize how primitive we are in our development in some areas, and be careful that our guiding value of the scientific method does not transcend into a blind faith in our current level of scientific knowledge as the cure for all of our ills, or blind faith in the brand of an academic institution that is driven by a variety of agendas.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Aug 13, 2014 - 12:48pm PT
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My assertions also come from copious personal experience - friends included. I fail to see how Stanford's statistics with regards to the what is known about the fundamental causes of depression constitute an agenda, but YMMV.
My objective was a narrow one - to refute the aforementioned inaccurate assertion that depression is caused solely by trauma. Both the data and my personal experience show that it clearly is not. Like so many other afflictions, there is a strong genetic component.
I just had lunch with a friend who suffers from periodic depression yesterday. She had a wonderful childhood and no major trauma in her adult life, either.
Why this is controversial at all is beyond me.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Aug 13, 2014 - 06:15pm PT
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I appreciate all the encouragement. Big Mike, we have a lot of common. I was treated differently at school because of being ADD; which didn't have a name back then. Too me it was all fun, at least on the surface because I kept everyone entertained and the teachers didn't have a clue as to what do with me, of course it wasn't so much when being disciplined for grades or behavior. Especially when I got home. My father was an "A" student his whole life and entered college when he was 15. He had little patience with my shenanigans.
I doubt there are 2 cases of depression that are the same. I believe I know as much from experience, self-education and the trials and error approach to medication as the psychiatrist I see now. That might not be an accurate statement nor realistic; but it is a very educated guess. He will suggest medicines and I will veto; because I have tried them in the past. I pretty much have the meds narrowed down. I know medicine simply does not work on me, other than Xanax (any medication that works by causing temporary amnesia would be effective on an elephant).
Twash, I agree about the genetics, as well as the sleep factor. As well as the trauma. I suffered social trauma as reactions to my depression; but trauma was not a cause. It is an inherent trait that I recall being or feeling different in my earliest memories. That isn't to say that trauma won't cause depressive illness.
The TMS treatment increased my nightly sleep from 1-2 hours to 4-5. After years of sleeping only a couple of hours, 4 or 5 seem like a vacation. Sleep is a wonderful thing. I do take a med to help insure sleep, Doxepin; which seems to have zero side effects. And the doc suggested that one.
Depression is very much a part of my genetic code, mostly in the Sicilian strands. It does seem that certain members of family are more susceptible than others. I happen to be the one in my immediate family that suffers from it the most. My father showed signs of it, as does my sister; but on a whole different level. I have no idea why they have inherit coping skills that I wasn't blessed with. But then again I have skills that they don't.
Endurance exercises (running, cycling and swimming) have always been the mainstays of beating back the dog. That was fine and dandy until I lost the ability to run with back problems. I thought pain meds were the greatest anti-depressants there were for a short period. It didn't take long to figure out how that works. Lucky for me, I don't have the addiction gene.
I started to run again and that was a great booster. I have had to convert to cycling now because my knees are gone; but it doesn't matter.
It is easy too write about this stuff when I am not in the doldrums, It is meaningless when I the dog is around. I write in hopes that other people will not feel alone if they suffer this affliction.
I also write to defend those who take the desperate final step and read or hear criticism from their family, spouses or friends. People don't take their lives without feeling pain for those they leave behind. It isn't as selfish act as so many people see it. In some cases the people they leave behind are the reasons they give up; not because they don't care about them, just the opposite.
I compare suicide to the actions some people take when pinned under a large and heavy machine and are all alone. They pull out a pocket life and sever the limb, believing this is the only way out the situation. And that is exactly what most suicides are, the only means of ending a very painful situation (life). They severe the limb. I can't think of any more drastic. Free soloing is one extreme; but they don't do it with the intention of dying.
That is not to say I recommend it. I hope and pray my life doesn't end that way. Or anyone I know and don't know. But for those that have come to end by their own hands, I beg you to believe they didn't do it out of selfishness or cowardliness.
So as many have said in this thread and other threads that deal with this topic, seek help, even if it is from a Labrador. Fight the good fight, until you can't. Just make sure you always can. This is easy for me to say right now because the evil dog is no where near.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Aug 13, 2014 - 06:33pm PT
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Tobia- I hear ya. Feel free to drop me a line whenever. Thanks for putting my problems in perspective.. Lol fight the good fight brother.
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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Aug 13, 2014 - 06:38pm PT
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Interesting, that as long as I've had dog's of my own, they've all been black.
Something about The Black Dog.
Solace to you all.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Aug 13, 2014 - 06:42pm PT
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Mr. Jefe, I have had a lifetime of black labs (the loving, swimming kind).
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Aug 13, 2014 - 07:19pm PT
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Ken M, you seem like a good person to ask, how much of depression is caused by genetics? Has science(doctors) taken samples from newborns and found that some are born with a genetic make up to have depression?
It could be obvious to conclude that after a baby was born, if it didn't receive love and attention it would grow depressed within months.
But how would an unborn build up this chemical imbalance(which are we sure of, that the chemical imbalance causes depression, OR depression causes the imbalance?) that shows depression before it is able to breathe?
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Aug 13, 2014 - 09:42pm PT
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hey there say, tobia... nice to hear from you...
say, to those suffering through depression...
hang on to this thought:
you are precious... we are all precious in our unique ways, no matter how 'not fit to any mold' we may feel that we are...
if you are 'boxed up' now... try to think of this:
you are a special gift in the world, your TIME for use,
being opened and out in the world, may
be 'sporadic' seeming, to you... but like all precious gifts,
when not in use--
you are just on the shelf, hard, dark, and lonely, yes,
or for some, a struggle-in-the-tissue, to rest and re-gather stamina,
until you are brought forth,
for the good days that you DO get--
days, when you are thus
OPENED and out there to make others feel loved, wanted, happy, cared for,
to teach them, to share your journey, or your pains, so you-and-them might grow, sort things out,or, for whatever reasons
MAY UNFOLD, at these such times...
you may slip back, into the box, and be hidden on the shelf, for who
knows how long--as you strive to recover, or hunker down, to wait it out,
or work with docs, or therapist, BUT KNOW THIS:
HANG IN THERE--your time WILL COME, little by little to be
OPENED and be a gift that is USED more often...
a gift, that lets itself fall and be broken and gone, will
never shine and be what it was MADE for...do not fall and break,
you are soooo so so very unique and special!!!!
we all know how folks LOVE gifts of all kinds and when special surprise
gifts APPEAR, even if for a bit, they are treasured as such!!!!
and for you, this gift, to be free to always be among 'those that love you'
this is a wonderful, though perhaps LONG term goal, but life
moves to goals, surely as TIME moves on... season DO change...
john's story, can encourage you that it is possible...
same as big mike...
and many of the others that posted here...
edit: say, sewellymon, too, thank you for sharing your story...
yes:
you are on the shelf, but NOT unwanted ...
you ARE a gift, but your time of use-and-shining, comes in seasonal spurts... hang on to that thought...
and, also, as to long range hope:
there is always 'movement-of-time' , flowing onward, for being unboxed, and being a constant gift, and who knows:
YOU JUST MAY BE the very GIFT to get other 'precious boxed gifts'
off their shelf, more often, or even for the long haul...
we are all rooting, cheering, or praying for you all!
my small story:
without god's help, i would have stayed on a shelf for a long time,
at one bad point, in my marriage, when i lived with a
'near impossible' situation...
i understood the shelf, though praying, and with god's strength
in my heart, thus, i 'waited for the special days'...
mine came... may yours come, too...
god bless, love, and prayers to you all...
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Ken M
Mountain climber
Los Angeles, Ca
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Aug 13, 2014 - 11:27pm PT
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Ken M, you seem like a good person to ask, how much of depression is caused by genetics? Has science(doctors) taken samples from newborns and found that some are born with a genetic make up to have depression?
**It could be obvious to conclude that after a baby was born, if it didn't receive love and attention it would grow depressed within months.
**
But how would an unborn build up this chemical imbalance(which are we sure of, that the chemical imbalance causes depression, OR depression causes the imbalance?) that shows depression before it is able to breathe?
My background in genetics is probably more helpful than being a doctor, in terms of answering your question. I will say that there seems to be a strong genetic ASSOCIATION. But it is not simple. I don't believe that specific gene sites have yet been identified, and it is very likely that there a quite a few involved.
What may be the case is that if there are the right genetic switches thrown, one has the POTENTIAL to develop depression.....but it may or may not happen. This appears to be the case with Adult-Onset Diabetes. We all know that obesity is associated with that development---but not all obese people get it, you have to have the genetic potential, apparently.
None of this has any practical application at present, because we do not have the ability to alter the genetics at present.
The issue of lack of love/attention for babies is fascinating. It seems true that what happens is not what we might describe as depression (although how do you interview an infant?), but rather a whole variety of mental disorders that have lasting impacts.
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Aug 14, 2014 - 12:22am PT
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That's Great Ken , Thanks
i was mostly wondering how deep into our boldly functioning does depression go. All the way to DNA, or is it in the cells?
Can it be handed down from our parents, is what i'm really asking?
Locker's link was very informative on the mechanics, but i didn't see anything about Genetics.
Nice Neebee!
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Ken M
Mountain climber
Los Angeles, Ca
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Aug 14, 2014 - 10:38am PT
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Can it be handed down from our parents, is what i'm really asking?
It very commonly runs in families which strongly suggests that it can be genetic. However, clearly not always.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Aug 15, 2014 - 04:35pm PT
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Bump because this thread deserves to be seen.
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skitch
climber
East of Heaven
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Sep 17, 2014 - 04:42pm PT
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So my wife convinced me to see a therapist, the therapist thinks that I need to try drugs, recommended Welbutrin.
I've never tried antidepressants, but my dad started taking celexa a few years ago and says that it helped him. My cousin tried taking something a few years back, said it made him even more suicidal.
Anyone tried welbutrin? the side effects don't sound horrible. . .
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Sep 17, 2014 - 04:56pm PT
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I think of Jeff Batten often as well. I never called him friend, though I should have.
I didn't see it coming. I didn't understand.
There was nothing I could have done, likely. Not that kind of relationship. He was a troll after all and like all trolls when he tried to be serious, when he tried to drop the veil and be himself?
He was rejected. Because of his own past.
Dingus, it still bothers me, too. I was lucky enough to climb with Jeff on a couple of occasions. He didn't seem depressed, he was happy-go-lucky. We talked about usenet agents and UCLA coeds.
When he started posting about depression, I figured it was just another troll, same as you. Even saw him at Stony Point about that time. We just exchanged some pleasantries that day, but he was smiling and cruising around to boulders.
I even thought the suicide was a troll, until I asked a fellow I know who taught at CSUN.
Not sure what any of us could have done, but I wished I'd reached out to him a bit more.
He was a good man to rope up with.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Sep 17, 2014 - 05:03pm PT
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Tough thread.
I have two really good friends who struggle with the blackness at all times.
What should I suggest?? Sh#t,....
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John M
climber
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Sep 17, 2014 - 05:32pm PT
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Anyone tried welbutrin? the side effects don't sound horrible. . .
I have.. I'm probably not the best person to ask as I have difficulties taking anti depressants.
(understatement)
My background
lifetime dealing with depression
tried anti depressants for over 8 years. Tried over 30 different anti depressants. only a couple helped me for a short period of time. Most gave me debilitating side effects.
On the other hand, it appears many people have success with them. JohnE on this forum has told his success story a number of times here.
My point is that everyone is different and reacts differently to these kinds of meds. If I were you and I didn't have a history of difficulties taking prescription meds, then I would probably try it, though I would want a good doc overseeing things. Not just a family doc seeing you every 6 weeks. But someone seeing you at least once a week until you determine if its going to work for you. If you have decent medical insurance, then I would see a psychiatrist, though let me warn you, they can be some of the weirdest people on the planet. Many of them have their own social/psychosis. But then to study in depth the interplay of meds on the brain and the mind, you have to be something of a nerd.
I hope that helps.
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the albatross
Gym climber
Flagstaff
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Sep 17, 2014 - 08:35pm PT
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Tough thread.
I have two really good friends who struggle with the blackness at all times.
What should I suggest?? Sh#t,....
Be a friend.
Listen.
Tell your friends that you love them. That them many people love them.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Sep 17, 2014 - 08:39pm PT
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Thanks man, that's what I shoot for.
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the albatross
Gym climber
Flagstaff
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Sep 17, 2014 - 08:51pm PT
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Sometimes the darkness is too strong for some people.
That's a tough thing for most to accept.
I always try to remember that we are all going to die some day. Every single one of us. Dead.
That is why we should enjoy life as long as we are able.
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Sep 17, 2014 - 08:59pm PT
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I have two really good friends who struggle with the blackness at all times. What should I suggest?? Sh#t,....
There is no answer to that question Bruce. Or maybe there are as many answers as there are depressed friends. What helps one might make things worse for another.
Albertross pretty much summed it up -- make sure they know you love them.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Sep 17, 2014 - 09:46pm PT
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Sandra takes Welbutrin. It seems to help her, although since she's been on it so long, her psyc recently perscribed another drug as a booster. Trick seems to be, see how you do on it and decide for yourself.
I've managed to stay away from anti-depressants so far..
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Sep 17, 2014 - 11:12pm PT
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Thanks Mooseman!
Depression or substance abuse would change that protein production. Some of those changes can be permanent when the DNA gets effected.
Back then i was trying to imagine how we pass down "traits" to our offspring. The obvious being in the body's structure, the things we can see. My daughter looks just like her mom.(but she's smart like me)! Those are the obvious physical traits. Lately i've been hearing addictions like, alcohol, drug, etc. can be "passed down"? And even depression. Which lead me to wonder if they are genetically(in the "meat) carried along, or are they passed down by a social environment when growing up?
Then try and diagnose to find a preventative..
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skitch
climber
East of Heaven
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Sep 18, 2014 - 09:51am PT
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My biggest issues, and I'm just guessing that they are depression related since my dad seemed to be the same way before taking meds, are a constant feeling of aggravation, super pessimistic, and I get zero joy out of life.
Ever stand in line and have somebody "accidentally" cut in front of you, does that make a small volcano blow up inside of you??? I feel like their is boiling pot of lava in my chest just waiting for the slightest inconvenience to make it explode, all the time.
I cannot, for the life of me, find any good in anything. All I can do is see the negative aspect of everything. I went bouldering with some people I know last night, all I can think is "how can they be so goddamn happy".
I can't keep friends because it's sooo hard, and fake feeling, to be positive. When I talk all that pours out is negative comments about life, myself, etc.
I have been climbing relatively well compared to my past, but whenever I finish a climb all I can think about is the 1 mistake I made on the climb. If I send it "perfectly" all I can think is I should have tried something harder.
I feel like I am just another of a million evolutionary experiments that went wrong.
Hopefully drugs and therapy work, otherwise my wife is stuck with a piece of sh#t that only wants to drag everyone else that comes into contact with me down to my sick little sh#t-filled pit.
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skitch
climber
East of Heaven
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Sep 18, 2014 - 10:13am PT
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I've definitely thought about smoking weed, I've tried in the past and it seemed to make a difference while I was stoned, but as soon as it's gone I'm back to the same pit'o'despair feeling that I normally feel. Can't see getting any work done while I'm stoned, seems to get me lost in my thoughts. . .
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Bruce Morris
Social climber
Belmont, California
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Sep 18, 2014 - 10:13am PT
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Multi-generational trauma is why depression runs in families. I know that medical dogma runs: DNA-RNA-Protein, but it's more like Bruce Lipton insists, DNA plus environment, environment, environment. If you just take anti-depressants without dealing with the underlying psychological and environmental causes behind your depression, it's just going find some other way of expressing itself. I think the psychologists call the phenomenon, symptom substitution.
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John M
climber
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Sep 18, 2014 - 10:49am PT
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Skitch.
There are lots of various possibilities. This is just my understand based on my own life experience. I am not a trained professional.
The possibilities involve our thinking patterns, our genetics, and what habits we developed based on our life experiences, plus a few other things.
A professional can help you sort this out.
Sometimes just our life experiences and our thinking patterns can lead to the inability for our body to make the proper balance of hormones for us to be able to feel okay. Other times genetics plays a role.
A very simplified example of how our life experiences and thinking patterns can sabotage us is..
We have some bad experiences. say we lose our job and we have some health problems. Please remember that this is very simplified. We then start thinking things like.. I will never get better. I will never get a new job. Life is too hard. etc.. That then possibly leads us to not taking proper care of ourselves. Maybe we overindulge in recreational drugs such as booze. Or we don't eat properly, or we don't get regular exercise. All of these things can inhibit ones body from creating the proper balance of hormones. Once that happens, then it becomes more and more difficult to feel okay or even good. The inability to feel good even when we are doing something we normally enjoy, then exasperates the whole situation, which then magnifies the downward cycle.
For some people you can toss in genetics. Perhaps they just normally only produce a low level of certain necessary hormones and once they get into the above cycle, it just snowballs.
Either way… what can help to break these kinds of cycles is therapy to identify what thought process are sabotaging oneself, what tools one could use to break these cycles, and when and how to use them. Books can help you understand this, but a really good therapist can help you cut through the bullshit and identify why you specifically have going on.
Toss on top of that the possibility that meds can help you break these kinds of cycles and my best suggestion to you would be to go see someone trained in these kinds of things.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Sep 18, 2014 - 11:03am PT
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Multi-generational trauma is why depression runs in families. I know that medical dogma runs: DNA-RNA-Protein, but it's more like Bruce Lipton insists, DNA plus environment, environment, environment. If you just take anti-depressants without dealing with the underlying psychological and environmental causes behind your depression, it's just going find some other way of expressing itself. I think the psychologists call the phenomenon, symptom substitution.
I suspect this is often true, but not always. In my case, the depression was endogenous. In other words, the depression came first. Only then did I have issues I needed to resolve. First, I needed medication. Then I needed psychological advice to deal with the issues caused when my depression made me unable to function normally.
I think depression confuses us because it differs from, say, appendicitis. The latter we recognize as always being a medical condition, requiring medical intervention. Depression symptoms may or may not result from a medical condition requiring medical intervention. Most importantly, few people suffering from depression have the ability to self-diagnose, although they often unintentionally self-medicate.
John M gives the best advice: seek professional help. They really can change your life for the better.
John
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Sep 18, 2014 - 11:07am PT
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Agreed dr f.
Skitch. Sounds like you're in a rut. Happens sometimes for sure. There is no cure all, but trying different methods and finding a solution that works for you is the answer. You've accomplished the first step by admitting that it's an issue.
Weed works, but when i'm really down it makes me lazy too so sometimes it's not the answer. Realizing you don't want or have to feel that way and taking steps to combat the issue will go a long way to restoring your happiness.
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High Fructose Corn Spirit
Gym climber
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Sep 18, 2014 - 11:19am PT
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skitch, just posting what you probably already have in mind, so it's just for reinforcement sake... consider a very many strategy approach (cf: one-strategy approach) as part of your playbook for this thing.
Have you tried meditation? You probably already have. btw, Sam Harris has a new book out just this week on this very thing regarding meditation, restless mind, discursive unwanted thinking (leading to uber worry, etc.) and secular spirituality without religion.
Good luck.
"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough."
EDIT I see others have pretty much said much the same thing. Poignant post. Best of luck.
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Shiho
Trad climber
Salt Lake City
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Sep 18, 2014 - 01:29pm PT
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I have a friend who is really depressed. I tell him that I care about him but he doesn't believe that others understand him hence he doesn't trust those who care. I call him but he never returns my calls. If he didn't live 2000 miles away from me, I'd visit him to show that I truly mean it when I say that I care. I've asked him what I could do to help him and he told me that he needed to fight his depression by himself. But really, what should and can I do to help him? Can anybody give me suggestions?
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Sep 18, 2014 - 02:22pm PT
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LIFE .. .,.,,
Summer Time come and gone
This has been such a
Passionate year filled with very high highs and very low lows ....
Reach out sisters and brothers
We are all here for our selves and one another
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skitch
climber
East of Heaven
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Sep 18, 2014 - 03:17pm PT
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Shiho,
Not sure what you can do, I know for me any time someone says anything nice to me I instantly think they are trying to get something out of me.
Does your friend work? He must have some form of insurance. My wife set up the appointment for me to see a therapist. not sure if theres a way for you to do that, maybe in conjunction with your friends family???
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Sep 18, 2014 - 03:25pm PT
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But really, what should and can I do to help him? Can anybody give me suggestions?
Just let the person know that you don't know what they're feeling or going through, but that you care about them and you are there to provide whatever help you can if and when the person wants it. Tell them it would make you feel good to be helpful to them, but if they just need to deal with it on their own, that's fine and you'll be there when they're ready.
I can't say that's a clinically approved answer, but it feels real and honest to me.
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the albatross
Gym climber
Flagstaff
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Sep 18, 2014 - 04:50pm PT
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Some things I share with friends and loved ones when they are depressed (and even happy):
text
email
dig up an old photo and email it
dig up an old email and resend it
write an old fashioned USPS letter
write up some crazy story about an adventure
telephone
visit
listen
hug
I like what someone posted about how climbing can burn us out. Sort of like doing too much meth. All those adrenaline peaks might be doing something to us.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Sep 18, 2014 - 06:31pm PT
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hey there say, had not been able to get to all these threads/post, lately, ... it's been 'catch up month' since my daddy died...
say, as to this, posted by john m:
Sep 18, 2014 - 10:49am PT
Skitch.
There are lots of various possibilities. This is just my understand based on my own life experience. I am not a trained professional.
The possibilities involve our thinking patterns, our genetics, and what habits we developed based on our life experiences, plus a few other things.
A professional can help you sort this out.
Sometimes just our life experiences and our thinking patterns can lead to the inability for our body to make the proper balance of hormones for us to be able to feel okay. Other times genetics plays a role.
A very simplified example of how our life experiences and thinking patterns can sabotage us is..
We have some bad experiences. say we lose our job and we have some health problems. Please remember that this is very simplified. We then start thinking things like.. I will never get better. I will never get a new job. Life is too hard. etc.. That then possibly leads us to not taking proper care of ourselves. Maybe we overindulge in recreational drugs such as booze. Or we don't eat properly, or we don't get regular exercise. All of these things can inhibit ones body from creating the proper balance of hormones. Once that happens, then it becomes more and more difficult to feel okay or even good. The inability to feel good even when we are doing something we normally enjoy, then exasperates the whole situation, which then magnifies the downward cycle.
For some people you can toss in genetics. Perhaps they just normally only produce a low level of certain necessary hormones and once they get into the above cycle, it just snowballs.
Either way… what can help to break these kinds of cycles is therapy to identify what thought process are sabotaging oneself, what tools one could use to break these cycles, and when and how to use them. Books can help you understand this, but a really good therapist can help you cut through the bullshit and identify why you specifically have going on.
Toss on top of that the possibility that meds can help you break these kinds of cycles and my best suggestion to you would be to go see someone trained in these kinds of things.
BEARS good, to see it again and read it... very good things in here...
and i've seen just the last few posts, as well... will go back and read...
whatever the reason for depression, i have found:
communication and stimulation to want to do-and-be-alive, is very important...
without these, the will to live, can slowly disinticrate (sorry, spelling) before one even knows it, and it is far to easy for the 'poof' and be gone, to be the next desire, :(
i have a handful of friends, that have gone through this and some, reached solid ground (though they look out for signs, of being susceptible again) and some that still live with it 'NEAR THE DOOR' however...
the huge anchor and improvident for them (as individual, as they are) as been this:
1--being shown that they are really wanted... and just for being them...
2--done by communication, even daily phone calls...
3--cards and letters, stimulation of hope... and assured love/acceptance///
4--therapy, a solid always there for a certain day, feed-back person
that KNOWs HOW THINGS have been fareing in their life...
(sometimes, due to life, the usually support may be busy on a crucial day, but the 'backup' set day, keeps a 'safety hold' before ones eyes...
5--creating a habit to write done feelings, thoughts, or fears, at least it can begin to give a 'picture' of the otherwise 'invisible' factors going on, in the mind or spirit...
6--REAL company, real visits... even a real walk, or out to eat... trouble is though--hours, later, one can have a 'down time' getting to think on the emptiness, once the stimulation is gone--thus, a good AFTERWARDS, phone call, a few hours later, and coaching as to future 'something to do' and keep that promise is a GREAT HELP...
edit: these above numbers, are things that ALL humanfolks need!!
WHEN depression is really bad, or even just starting, folks can feel as if 'on the outside of life' just looking in through the window as something they want, but just can't seem to get or recover... it seems there is no 'opening' to step into that 'realm of life' ...
well, i will go back and see if this advice is for someone HERE now, in need, or for one of them to HELP a friend...
prayers, too... keep praying...
the main prayer?
pray that key folks, will be nearby and onhand, to prevent worse
situations of this depression, or loss of a precious life....
and then, keep praying for open doors to learn why, or what, can
help in the next-step-up, ways, as to keep depression gone, once
someone gets a handle on it...
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Sep 18, 2014 - 06:57pm PT
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hey there, say, okay... just went back and saw more here...
say, skitch:
as to this:
My biggest issues, and I'm just guessing that they are depression related since my dad seemed to be the same way before taking meds, are a constant feeling of aggravation, super pessimistic, and I get zero joy out of life.
Ever stand in line and have somebody "accidentally" cut in front of you, does that make a small volcano blow up inside of you??? I feel like their is boiling pot of lava in my chest just waiting for the slightest inconvenience to make it explode, all the time.
I cannot, for the life of me, find any good in anything. All I can do is see the negative aspect of everything. I went bouldering with some people I know last night, all I can think is "how can they be so goddamn happy".
I can't keep friends because it's sooo hard, and fake feeling, to be positive. When I talk all that pours out is negative comments about life, myself, etc.
I have been climbing relatively well compared to my past, but whenever I finish a climb all I can think about is the 1 mistake I made on the climb. If I send it "perfectly" all I can think is I should have tried something harder.
I feel like I am just another of a million evolutionary experiments that went wrong.
Hopefully drugs and therapy work, otherwise my wife is stuck with a piece of sh#t that only wants to drag everyone else that comes into contact with me down to my sick little sh#t-filled pit.
say, the good news, is this--that you SEE the things you do not like, in your self...
the next thing, is this:
we are like a house... built on a foundation...
our life is a basic foundation... however, we are BUILT upon, as we grow... the rest of the house CAN be built wrongly, though we may never see how it happens (it is different for each of us, good or bad, however it goes),
it happens a 'piece at a time' and all add up...
that is WHY it is so hard to pinpoint how to fix stuff and WHY it is so hard to even envision a fix, period... :O
one has to do it in little steps, taking off a piece at the time...
can't just pull the whole foundation, out of course, but, one can do a room at a time--and as we move along, the JOY comes, to see new changes that occur... but we MUST decide to rebuild...
so for instance:
getting upset when one cuts in front of one, in line...
at that moment, you get to rebuild, see it as a great opportunity that is uniquely YOURS...
1--YOU CAN say to yourself--oh my, poor guy was not raised with manners, but my place in line, will STILL get me there, and i can do it with INTEGRITY... i can use these few extra minutes, to think about things to cook, or make, etc, once i get home... etc. etc...
2--when you feel negative, say to yourself: hmm, i WONDER what the positive would be???? then, take one step closer to 'new buidling' and speak about it... it MAY feel fake, but--that is because it is NEW grown, and you are not USED TO IT YET... IT WILL COME IN TIME...
you will one day see the little sprout from the seed, pop up, :)
3--if you feel fake, as to responding, well then, respond as you feel, but then, 'fertilize it' and add,something like: you know, i've felt this way for a long time, but i am open to say this, at least: and add the POSITIVE that is showing through an action in this 'event that is taking place' that you are in the middle of...
it grows, skitch, you will see... one board, at a time, etc...
you will see old rooms, change to new rooms and bit of sunlight and joy will seep in... :)
think of this way, you GET to be a builder, a fantastic builder!
and you will not be a 'prisoner of the old buidling'...
prayers and good wishes for you to re build... :)
you have been a climber, so you know it is hard, but one step at a time...
also, if you do something wrong, do not berate your self, ask yourself why, and what you did... and then rebuild here with this fact:
every single one of us do a wrong move...
we all readjust...
we all fix, by making new habits...
none of us are better than another, due to 'making good moves', we just
have been through the wringer enough to make the new mores more often...
*sure, due to brain patterns, etc, some folks are better at some things, than others, but we all have OUR gifts... you will begin to see what yours are...
each day, do one small thing for your wife, too, and do not expect a response or thank you... just do it, to rebuild, :)
you will once day, lose that feeling that she is 'stuck with your attitude, etc'... :)
share your progress, here, is you want to...
folks WILL cheer you on!!!
and why:
because we have all been through the wringer of life, some just rebuilt sooner, due to someone nearby faster, that helped us, is all...
now, you got folks here... :)
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Sep 18, 2014 - 09:42pm PT
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From experience, i can honestly say that smoking pot regularly can cause depression. So can alcohol, so can smoking cigarets, so can eating chocolate.
Doing ANYTHING with a disproval by one's own conscious is depression. But i can't say that. Because science shows depression is a chemical build-up on the neuron..
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MisterE
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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Sep 18, 2014 - 09:57pm PT
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When I have felt down, I have always made a conscious decision to follow my heart's path.
Following one's mind
over one's heart
creates a severe imbalance.
Depression may be a part of this.
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Ken M
Mountain climber
Los Angeles, Ca
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Sep 18, 2014 - 11:47pm PT
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But really, what should and can I do to help him? Can anybody give me suggestions?
Regular, but not constant, contact is a good thing.
DONT discuss the depression, unless asked to (Oh, great, here comes another thing to remind me of how bad I feel! (he thinks)).
If you have shared significant things, bring him up to date on people you know in common. Send an old picture that he's in with others (reminds him of how important relationships once were).
But don't do this more than once a week, or longer. Enough time between such that he starts to look forward to the contact. Try to have the contacts be upbeat. Think about his sense of humor, and what he would have found funny, an relate stories of things going on your life that he'd find amusing.
The regular contact says MUCH MORE, than you saying anything about caring. The avoidance of advice and nudges gets away from the rather transparent (to him) effort to manipulate him.
I do not agree with the concept of "being your brother's keeper", but rather "being your brother's brother".
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Shiho
Trad climber
Salt Lake City
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Sep 19, 2014 - 09:49am PT
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Thanks for all the advice. It truly breaks my heart to see my friend being depressed when I think that he is an amazing person with so much to offer.
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John M
climber
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Oct 12, 2014 - 12:29pm PT
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Thanks for all the advice. It truly breaks my heart to see my friend being depressed when I think that he is an amazing person with so much to offer.
I have a little more advice.
Something that is hard for me as someone who deals with major depression is how people try fix you, or force you to say something like "life is good". I experience a tremendous amount of depressive and suicidal feelings. I fight with it a lot. Yet I can laugh. And some days I can even feel a certain amount of joy. The really hard days are the days when I can do something I normally enjoy, such as skiing or surfing, and yet feel no joy while doing it. Inside I either feel intense pain, or I feel just flat. Those are the tough days. Other days I can get out and I can enjoy it, though during longer bouts of depression, those days can be few and far between. Thats the thing about depression. It can come in cycles. And people don't seem to understand that. They will see me out enjoying myself. When I am having fun I laugh and smile a lot. So people see me this way, or they make an effort to get me to laugh, and then when I do laugh, they say something like. "see, life isn't so bad". Or they say.. " see, life is good". And they want me to acknowledge this.
What that feels like to me is pressure to ignore what I go through most of the time. It feels like the person does not want to accept that I deal with chronic depression and so they try to minimize it. If a person is a paraplegic and they climb half dome, once they get to the top, people don't say things like. Well, I guess you aren't crippled anymore. Yet with depression, if you laugh or have any amount of fun, then you take a lot of heat from society to say that you are "over" your depression.
Yet for me. Depression is more like being a paraplegic. Its something that one can't always just get over. Not that its exactly like being a paraplegic. Occasionally I can walk. But it is more like being a paraplegic then it is like having a sprained ankle. No matter how hard you have sprained your ankle. ( I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone. My brain isn't functioning that well right now and its the best simile that I could come up with )
So my advice to those who want to be a friend to someone with major depression is that you allow them to laugh and smile, without trying to force the notion that "now they are okay". Instead, on those days when they are able to enjoy something. Enjoy it with them and just acknowledge that joy. You can say something like.. "that was fun." and allow them the space to be able to say. "yes it was". Or if they laugh at a joke. "that was funny".. and they can acknowledge that without then having to defend themselves.
Its one of the hardest parts of major depression. People look at you and think that you are okay, or at least you should be okay. They don't look at someone with cancer and say.. Why aren't you out doing…. yada yada yada.. Someone with cancer doesn't have to defend themselves. But someone with major depression does. I couldn't begin to tell you the number of people who have sneered at me because I'm not financially successful. If I say that I am having a hard time financially, they they say things like, "just go back to college so that you can get a better job". They don't understand that though I am intelligent, just how impossible college can be for someone with major depression.
So one ends up becoming a hermit. Because it gets tiresome having to defend ones self.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Oct 12, 2014 - 01:19pm PT
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John M
Hang in, and hang out, Nature may rejuvenate...
The thread/post, that made me aware of you, would never have led me to foresee this post from you !
FULL MOON + MERCURY RETROGRADE and the passing of life/time as we not being busy being born are surely busy dying. ( Dylan? right?).... Also if I weren't so crazy I would go insane.
(Butchered, Jimmy Buffett sorry Parrot Heads)
The intensity of ones up’s and downs equals the process - work. Bending the wire back and forth
'Working’ the same spot to rupture. An example of this (imHo) this took place on Todd Skinners’ Belay loop with tragic results. The idea that all things are susceptible to work reaches into the metaphysical world as well.
Long ago the need to get away change up every thing was a medically embraced idea
Enter the need for the $$ and big pharma dictating what doctors recommend as well as Huxley’s observations and you can gain some understanding as to the whys and how’s of the depression epidemic
I miss climbing every day… every day that I do not climb ... I regret not climbing
But toes, ankles, knees and fingers start to blow out as time /age marches on.
So rest days, days away from the sustaining life-giving rock becomes a must for me
Apparently not the likes of say…Donini… and others genetics must be at play.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Oct 12, 2014 - 02:22pm PT
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If a person is a paraplegic and they climb half dome, once they get to the top, people don't say things like. "Well, I guess you aren't crippled anymore. "
Unless that person is an incomplete paraplegic, and then they can't see the injury or the challenges it still and forever will cause me.
I get comments all the time, "oh you look fine now! I usually reply "I felt better before I broke my back"...
Depression is exactly that. If people can't see a physical ailment or have experienced it themselves, they don't have the tools to process it. They just don't really understand.
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sandstone conglomerate
climber
sharon conglomerate central
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Oct 12, 2014 - 05:35pm PT
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Depression is the black cloud that eclipses your soul. It is the motherf*#ker that tells you you're worthless, that there is no point in getting out of bed, getting dressed, drawing breath. It will eat you alive, and it can do it easily, like a hawk on a mouse. Savage and remorseless, its grip is iron.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 10, 2014 - 05:38am PT
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She says she's lost love for me. Maybe it will come back if i get my sh#t together, but i don't really want to be with someone who doesn't love me unconditionally.....
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Nov 10, 2014 - 06:37am PT
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^^^^^Mike, that makes me heartsick for you. You know how to hang strong through the tuff stuff. You have lots of ears and shoulders to turn to.
You know how to heal, and that it happens, but it's never as fast as we want.
Thinking of you
Susan
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 10, 2014 - 06:40am PT
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Thanks Suse. It means a lot.
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justthemaid
climber
Jim Henson's Basement
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Nov 10, 2014 - 06:44am PT
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@Mike: <<hug>> :(
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pocoloco1
Social climber
The Chihuahua Desert
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Nov 10, 2014 - 06:57am PT
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Head South....,Hueco is just getting started
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 10, 2014 - 07:00am PT
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You know how to heal, and that it happens, but it's never as fast as we want.
I'm so sick of healing. I just wanted to be done. My body is finally coming around and now i have to deal with my heart? Fvck.
Edit: thanks Skip!
Thanks poco.... Got a couple months here before my next sortie unfortunately..
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Nov 10, 2014 - 08:38am PT
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Mike, near as I can tell you've got more than a leg up on the competition,
so to speak, you're able to talk about it and that is huge. Hang in there,
or up there. ;-)
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Tricouni
Mountain climber
Vancouver
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Nov 10, 2014 - 08:55am PT
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Mike, if there's any way I can help...
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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Nov 10, 2014 - 09:16am PT
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Hey Big Mike....So sorry to hear this info....Makes me sad to know you are hurting...
Sending much Love...
Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends.... Hang on...Hold on..
[Click to View YouTube Video]
Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I...
Our primary relationship is really with ourselves. Our relationships with other people constantly reflect exactly where we are in the process. . Shakti Gawain
[Click to View YouTube Video]
The future's paved~ with better days..
Sending big Love out to those suffering...
post, 234
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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Nov 10, 2014 - 09:35am PT
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Winston Churchill called it the black dog.
It caused one of the funniest and most successful comedians to hang himself.
A serious illness.
Somebody posted about causing an accident that took a life. That would have surely gotten me depressed, a nightmare I lived with as a climbing guide but fortuitously never experienced.
I can certainly sympathize with somebody that suffers from depression as a result of trauma, especially a spine injury.
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Tvash
climber
Seattle
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Nov 10, 2014 - 09:39am PT
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I agree that chronic weed smoking will take the edge off for an hour but result in a deeper state of depression.
You also mysteriously gain weight. I think it lowers your base metabolism slightly - although those impulse Bugle Corn Snack purchases just might be a factor.
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Spider Savage
Mountain climber
The shaggy fringe of Los Angeles
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Nov 10, 2014 - 10:09am PT
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Magic Pill - Vitamin B1, 100 MG per hr. It metabolizes fast. Up the calcium intake while doing this.
You'll be right as rain and a few hours of this.
Loss of love is tough.
Pain is a warning. It's there for a reason.
It's hard for me to grasp anyone who doesn't love Big Mike.
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John M
climber
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Nov 10, 2014 - 10:31am PT
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Hey Big Mike.. I am so sorry that you are going through this heart ache. I know how painful that can be. I don't know you personally, but I have read your stuff for a few years now and I feel like I know you well enough to say that you have it within you to come through this and shine. You will get over the heartache, and you will be a better person for it. Thats just who you are.
I stared to write about how this love blossomed during a crisis and now Sandra needs space to find out if it is real outside the crisis, but I think that you probably already realize that. So I deleted it. I do hope that you realize that this love that Sandra has given you was a blessing and that what you gave her was also a blessing, though I do fully understand that right now it is painful What I also know though is that you are a tough guy, and so is Sandra. And you have both grown and are better people for having had this experience. So out of this pain you are feeling now, a lot of beauty can come. Give life a chance brother. Sometimes we suffer so that we can climb harder. Love is the same way. Sometimes we suffer in love, so that we can learn to love deeper. Let her go.. breath a bit while your heart heals, and then get back on the horse and see what life has to offer you in the future. With your zest for living, I bet that it has a lot to offer.
And who knows.. a month or two down the road.. maybe you go on a date with this new renewed Sandra, who has had a chance to discover herself again. And ka powie.. the love is back. Yet it will be a greater love because it has the knowledge that it doesn't need a crisis to fire it.
Its an adventure Brother. The adventures that challenge us the most tend to be the ones we cherish the most. As long of course, as if they don't totally break us in two.. wry smile.. haha..
Fire it up big guy.. winter is coming and I know you love that big deep powder. Go live and love life and love will find you. It might even be with Sandra..
I hope that I haven't misread this situation or said too much. I'm getting over an infection and fever.. eek.. Please forgive me if I said anything out of place.
Big John.. ( not as tall as you.. wider.. haha )
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Nov 10, 2014 - 10:34am PT
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Sometimes we need to take a step back in order get the perspective to move forward. None of this life stuff is easy, if it is you are probably on vacation. Pain can be an indicator of the need to change something or it can be the instrument of your defeat. It is ok to surrender if at least you tried.
My heart goes out to you and Sandra, Mike. Something tells me you will find a way through this. Masha and I have had those dark days and we are still here. I'm not sure of how or why but we seem to take turns ruffling each others feathers and this actually helps us to fly. To purify gold, you heat it up until the crap comes to the surface and then you scrape it off. A little lighter and a bit more pure.
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thebravecowboy
climber
walking, resin-stained, towards the goal
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Nov 10, 2014 - 10:43am PT
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I am rooting for you Big Mike. this too shall pass and before you know it you will again be neck deep in love, joy, and slammer jams. I feel for you, dude: it seems it will never change sometimes. You know as well as I do though that the only constant is change. Keep your head up man, you never know who or what is 'round the corner.
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climbski2
Mountain climber
Anchorage AK, Reno NV
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Nov 10, 2014 - 12:18pm PT
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I care. Emotions are strange thing, wonderful and terrible. Very hard to control. Heartbreak + depression + injury sounds like hell.
It will pass, some of it anyway. But that doesn't help a lot right now I suspect.
Just know.. we care.
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LilaBiene
Trad climber
Technically...the spawning grounds of Yosemite
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Nov 10, 2014 - 07:44pm PT
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^^^^^^^^^^ You've got so many fans, Big Mike. ") Let them be there for you, as hard as it may seem to be to open your heart right now.
If I'm out of place saying this, you can smack me upside the head @ Facelift next year. Every single time, without fail in my life so far, that I've said or wondered if only I could change myself this way, or so that I was more what that person really wanted, or wished I was something other than the imperfect (but entertaining at times!) person that I am, I caused myself more pain for not recognizing my worth, just the way I am. Eventually, the light always dawned on me that it was the other person that didn't fit...like an awkwardly made shoe...but not before I had dragged my self esteem through the mud for a good while.
Sometimes the right fit is as much about timing, as anything else. All this to say, I'm so sorry. Please don't get down on yourself - you're an amazingly awesome inspiration to have overcome the obstacles that you've faced, and still have a great, big grin. You're alright just the way you are. ") Hugs.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Nov 11, 2014 - 02:41am PT
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i'm sorry to hear of your struggles, mike.
stay outdoors and take care
while navigating through this thicket.
call if you need a runaway truck ramp.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Nov 11, 2014 - 02:58am PT
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hey there say, big mike... wow, i just saw this post...
say, keep to trail, and stop to take a breather, when the roughness of it, hits you unexpectedly... trails led to many things, you know... they also, unexpectedly heal us, and over new hopes, when we least expect, it, as well...
very sorry about you and sandra, though...
but keep other hopes, for your trail, open...
say, audrey, very well said as to this quote:
^^^^^^^^^^ You've got so many fans, Big Mike. ") Let them be there for you, as hard as it may seem to be to open your heart right now.
If I'm out of place saying this, you can smack me upside the head @ Facelift next year. Every single time, without fail in my life so far, that I've said or wondered if only I could change myself this way, or so that I was more what that person really wanted, or wished I was something other than the imperfect (but entertaining at times!) person that I am, I caused myself more pain for not recognizing my worth, just the way I am. Eventually, the light always dawned on me that it was the other person that didn't fit...like an awkwardly made shoe...but not before I had dragged my self esteem through the mud for a good while.
Sometimes the right fit is as much about timing, as anything else. All this to say, I'm so sorry. Please don't get down on yourself - you're an amazingly awesome inspiration to have overcome the obstacles that you've faced, and still have a great, big grin. You're alright just the way you are. ") Hugs.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Nov 11, 2014 - 03:14am PT
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hey there, say, tobia... say, how you doing as of this week... say, drop me a line, again...
was thinking of you, after reading all this and had not heard from you for awhile...
may your week go well, a step at a time...
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Nov 11, 2014 - 03:18am PT
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Mike, what is the latest on your feelings?
When I met Jennie, she was suicidal and she is still on citalopram, an anti-depressant, over the past few years her doctors and best friends said that if I had not entered her life she probably would have been found dead in her flat.
However, while I do not have dark thoughts, I am going through a bit of depression, as it is week now she has been in a nursing home, and the social worker claims Jennie does not want to see me. And her best friend Eileen is not happy with the way this social worker has treated her (Eileen).
This has not happened before at such a stage, but it's Korsakoff's Dementia.
I just want her back home. The cat misses her too.
I am depressed, for the first time in my life. The beach is a minute walk away. I am going there now.
Mike, I have not read any of the latest posts, so I do not know what you are doing, but get out. Walk on the beach or in the woods, climb if you can, bicycle. Whatever. Best wishes, bon chance.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Nov 11, 2014 - 04:29am PT
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hey there say, patrick... good morning to you... good to hear from you, but sad to hear about jennie... :(
yes, take a walk at the beach... prayers and good wishes for you and jennie...
i remember once, way back when my life fell apart, that my daddy tried to help me one night when i was 'breaking down with deep crys':
he tried to get me to go out for a walk, and fresh air--in the middle of sobs, it struck me as strange, but i never will forget the love that he tried to share, by just trying to say something... i miss my daddy, :(
thank you, for sharing, here, you made me think of a good memory, in the midst of a sad time, that i once had...
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Nov 11, 2014 - 04:40am PT
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the moon and sun are currently arguing too, mike.
i can tell by the sad hue of her beams.
my knight shadow just don't cast right.
girls everywhere are menstruating off cycle.
and sailors are cursing errant tides.
i look up and the moon is pissed.
she's got a bruise on her right cheek.
dammit son.
i told you not to induce violence.
ahh sh#t the whole universe is in shambles.
it's like one of those blow up dolls though.
you know, the one with the sand ass hence super low
center of gravity;
it'll all upright. sooner probably.
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Charlie B
Social climber
Santa Rosa, Ca
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:10am PT
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This is a pretty good example of what I've been dealing with lately.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:16am PT
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First of all. Thank you all for your love and support.
Audrey: I don't have fans. I have friends. Just some of them i haven't met yet.
I do hope that you realize that this love that Sandra has given you was a blessing and that what you gave her was also a blessing, though I do fully understand that right now it is painful
Of course i realize this. That's why i am so confused. She never meant to tell me that way, but we were fighting about something stupid and it just came out.
I haven't done anything to deal with my snoring, and she's concerned about my mental health since i've refused any counselling since i got home. My financial paperwork/taxes is a couple years behind which predates my injury. I could be a lot more helpful around the house... I need to work on my core and my fitness again. I've been slacking bigtime.
She has many issues too. I won't go into it here. I thought we were a team working towards a better future together. Accepting each others faults as human and trying to get to a place where we could happily co-exist. I certainly wasn't going to put a ring on her finger until we got there, and i thought we were super close. But apparently she's sick of my sh#t.
What makes matters worse is we are stuck living together until at least May. The rental climate here is next to nil at the moment. Even in squish and pembo. So we are trying to make it work for now, but if she can't accept my faults, and love me anyways.... Do i really want to be with her?
Of course i have options to get away, but home base won't change until spring at least.
Edit: right on charlie b
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John M
climber
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:21am PT
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^^^^^^^
that is the best cartoon I have seen describing what people with depression have to deal with. Totally made me laugh. Especially the picture with the hand cut off. Can't say how many times I've heard people tell me to just get over it. "its like you're not even trying". hahaha… oh lord. Exactly.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this right now Charlie. Depression sucks and I'm always surprised at how many people are dealing with it. Mainly because most people don't talk about it because of what people say to you, as in the cartoon.
Better days brother. better days.
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rottingjohnny
Sport climber
mammoth lakes ca
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:34am PT
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Life's a bitch but you can't live without it...Happiness is way over- rated in my book...
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:45am PT
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I don't have fans. I have friends. You'd be surprised! Many of us wear both hats .... nothing like a fan club made up of friends!
Hugs!
Susan
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Oplopanax
Mountain climber
The Deep Woods
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:55am PT
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I haven't done anything to deal with my snoring, and she's concerned about my mental health since i've refused any counselling since i got home. My financial paperwork/taxes is a couple years behind which predates my injury. I could be a lot more helpful around the house...
So, those all sound like things you can deal with, issues which you have the option to work on.
I'm not going to tell you that you should just deal with them, but I am going to suggest that you should examine what's keeping you from dealing with them, and see if that helps any to illuminate your problem.
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John M
climber
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:58am PT
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Hey Big Mike.. Thanks for sharing that. It gives a better picture of whats going on. My post yesterday missed the mark as I didn't understand all the ins and outs. Sorry Big guy..It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
I want to say more, but right now I am having a foggy brain day, and I don't want to make things worse. I do still believe that you can find your way through this. My thoughts go with you today.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Nov 11, 2014 - 11:06am PT
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Thank you, John M and Charlie B, for expressing what the medical condition of depression is like, and the absurdity of telling people "just pull yourself together and get over it."
Severe depressive disorder involves much more than feeling sad. It involves both an inability to initiate (or, often, even to care about) needed action, and an inability to self-diagnose. In my experience, the only things that really helped were getting me in the hands of professionals, and knowing that I wasn't alone.
Big Mike, you most certainly are not alone, both among climbers and among people. Often, bouts of depression have nothing to do with external matters - although if untreated, they can lead to situations that would make anyone feel great discouragement. I've lived through that, too, and have a standing offer to anyone (of course including you), to contact me if you want someone who can listen because he's "been there, done that."
You are someone whose posts I've admired for years. I know many others on this forum love and admire you - and it's not because we don't know what you know about yourself. It's precisely because they do know you. I applaud the honestly and bravery of your discussion of that topic on this thread, and offer whatever, small, encouragement I can in your struggle.
John
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 11, 2014 - 11:09am PT
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So, those all sound like things you can deal with, issues which you have the option to work on.
I'm not going to tell you that you should just deal with them, but I am going to suggest that you should examine what's keeping you from dealing with them, and see if that helps any to illuminate your problem.
It's all stuff i've wanted to deal with dru, but procrastinating is my major weakness. I was just so tired after work, (carrying a 24-32 foot ladder around all day) that i had no physical or mental energy left to deal with any of that, and i wanted to recreate on weekends. I could have done more last winter if i didn't allow myself to slide into the black hole of nothingness for weeks on end.
Stuff that's definitely going to be dealt with this winter for sure. Point is she has issues too. I accept them and that she's working on them. Is it too much to expect the same?
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Nov 11, 2014 - 11:10am PT
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Like my Italian grandmother once said, "throw up, you'll feel better".
If we look at all the stuff we think we should be doing, we wouldn't have the time or the ambition to do those things. This where I sometimes find myself and it is not always reassuring that important change only comes when the sh#t is hitting the provrbial fan.
You're not alone,brother.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Nov 11, 2014 - 11:23am PT
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i've bouts of vicious saddness.
where sin is my only hope.
my mother in law, she is probably diagnosably depressed;
though she's trying to move in with us
after a lifetime of poor decisions
(perhaps due to her depression)
her finances are in shambles, her life-quality expectation extremely high; her social compatibility sucks; her drive is dead; her employability, nil.
and i'm pushing her away.
you see i was raised staunch republican
and taught that a firm grip on the waist band
and a giant tug skyward is all that's needed
to get your asse together.
those in need deserve to be in need.
and, though i situationally detest these teachings that i received,
they are core to my emotional makeup,
and my default when stressed.
my poor wife is torn,
and i can forsee perhaps grandma committing suicide
for she is deeply screwed,
and then i will have to answer to my wife,
or rather to her boundless hate towards me
if souls should fly....
and i'll just pickle myself, again and again and again.
and i'll just keep getting up for another beating,
that's what dad taught me.
that's f*#king life.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 11, 2014 - 11:28am PT
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Chuck- I am sorry. Your problems are so much tougher than my silly issues. Stuck between a rock and a hard place where i am about to be free and i'm just whining about change.
You know you have a canuck who will take your call at any hour.
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John M
climber
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Nov 11, 2014 - 12:12pm PT
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I could have done more last winter if i didn't allow myself to slide into the black hole of nothingness for weeks on end.
Allow yourself? Depression isn't exactly like that. Did you allow yourself to break your back? I'm not trying to be hard on you Big Mike, but this is the kind of stuff a therapist could help you sort through. Its not weakness.
These are simply my beliefs based on my own experience. Some of depression is how we think.. Some of it is an over build up of stress. Some of it is that we live in a world where the build up of karma is such that it is a weight on everyone. i.e.,, pollution as an example. Which makes life hard for everyone exposed to it. Then we have our own karma, which is just a build up of our own decisions.. i.e.,.. eating poorly can lead to poor health. Toss in our family genes on top of that and it can hardly be described is simply "allowing" ourselves to slide downward. That kind of statement smacks too much of the cartoon type statements in the cartoon Charlie posted. You are beating up on yourself. A lot of this is exactly the kinds of things a good therapist can help you deal with. They can teach you to Reorganize your thinking. They can Teach you a new way to see things. Which would lead to what oplopanax was saying… the why of why you are "allowing" yourself to slide. Not that I believe that you are exactly allowing yourself to slide as though you are weak. I have seen too much of you. You aren't weak.. or lazy. Lazy people don't climb. They don't build a business. They don't rebuild their snow mobile and go blasting around the back country.
I don't' say any of this to try and beat up on you. I want you to see that how you think could be affecting your energy level. Our subconscious beliefs are buried beliefs that come out under stress. They are revealed in tiny misuses of words. They show up in our actions when we want to do one thing, but find ourselves doing something else. A good therapist can help you uncover these subconscious beliefs. Its those beliefs that are robbing you. Its not laziness. Or even lack of will. You just can't do the things that you have done and be a lazy person who just allows themselves to slide down. It doesn't work that way. its not a matter of just deciding to be better. That is a tiny part of it. One does need that decision, but that decision to be better is only a tiny part of it. After you decide to be a better person, then you need the tools to actually become a better person. Discovering our subconscious beliefs is a part of that process. It can be very healing. I would be dead by now if I hadn't uncovered some subconscious beliefs that were sabotaging me.
One last thing Big Mike, and I will stop hammering on you. :-)
. Your problems are so much tougher than my silly issues.
I know that you don't' really think your problems are silly.. but can you see that the words we use can reveal how we subconsciously think about things? If subconsciously you believe that your problems are silly, then of course you would not want to work on them, which would lead to the situations that you face now which can feel overwhelming. I understand that it is good sometimes to look beyond ourselves, so that we can get a better perspective. You do have that capacity and that compassion and you show it here. Yet your words can also reveal possible reasons for why you find it difficult to just "not allow yourself to slide down".
Do you see what I am saying? Sometimes I don't' know if I am being clear as I have my own foggy days, and I don't want to put something on you that isn't yours. I care about you Big guy.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Nov 11, 2014 - 12:15pm PT
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Tami, you have told me of those horrible bouts that Phil goes through and you are correct. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I was thinking more of that hangover thing. I was going through a bad bout with gout this spring and in the middle of all the pain and the self-doubt that memory of my grandmother saying that to my uncle when he was drunk made me laugh and it immediately gave me relief. Humor can be a powerful elixir from the stress of living.
Live. Love. Laugh.
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TheSoloClimber
Trad climber
Vancouver
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Nov 11, 2014 - 03:51pm PT
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I'm not going to get into my sh#t on here.... the people who I want to know about it, know about it.
Mike, you know that I know what you're going through.... I'm here to talk if you want.
All I'm gonna say is, only you and her know what is worth fighting for. If you both care enough to make the effort, then as hard as it might be, it's worth it. It takes work, holy sh#t does it take a lot of work, but when the effort is made, results show. Trust me.
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Oplopanax
Mountain climber
The Deep Woods
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Nov 11, 2014 - 04:07pm PT
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Ho man, I woulda written 3 guidebooks by now if I wasn't a procrastinator.
Just remember when you put something off until tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. If you really want to get something done, give yourself a deadline, and a penalty for missing it.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Nov 11, 2014 - 04:09pm PT
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hey there say, johnEleazaian...
wow, as to this quote from you:
Nov 11, 2014 - 11:06am PT
Thank you, John M and Charlie B, for expressing what the medical condition of depression is like, and the absurdity of telling people "just pull yourself together and get over it."
Severe depressive disorder involves much more than feeling sad. It involves both an inability to initiate (or, often, even to care about) needed action, and an inability to self-diagnose. In my experience, the only things that really helped were getting me in the hands of professionals, and knowing that I wasn't alone.
this is what really stood out, for the friends that share with me, as to how far they have come from their depressions (two good friends, share, regularly, with my, a few times a week)....
well, it is this:
"
It involves both an inability to initiate (or, often, even to care about) needed action, and an inability to self-diagnose."
they have found through a therapist (though take care to find one that feels right--some just miss the mark, sadly) ..well, they have found this--the very reason that they are getting through this, and managing things, is due to see and then, learning about 'inability to initiate needed actions, and inability to self-diagnose' INSTEAD, THEY WERE at the mercy of:
not taking action (whether by dialog, discerning if what someone continually said about them was true or not--especially when from parents)...
not taking action to move/step away from the 'line of fire'...
not fixing or adjusting things that were piling up in their life, as to physical daily issues, agendas, etc...
not, etc, etc...
and deepest of all, the not able to 'self-diagnose' (WHICH the therapist was able to GIVE such info, after watching and learning about those in need, that came to the offices) (my friends, in this case)...
and--THIS IS THE PART
that kept them in the spiral, downward... and yes, well,
other friends might have tried to share, or boost moral, or offer all kinds of ways that could be 'life savors' to help, 'til they could swim, but:
the friends (and most likely, folks in general) could not diagnose enough, to even know they were wrapped up in these
situations, many of which came from all the NOTS... the worse not,
being:
without 'initiative' to NOT let ones self-esteem to be MOLDED by what others say, leads you to 'turn into something you are not' IN THE EYES of those, doing the talking...
AND you, can't deny it, and you can't overcome it: you are now--trapped...
their therapist have helped them PINPOINT the whats, whys, and hows, and by who, that these were builts up (the major keys of the their depression triggers) and--not only that, they have also through time and trust, been able to THEN show and teach HOW to self-diagnose, WHAT these gals need to
DO TO STOP being in these positions, and WHY they slip into being depressed... when you can see yourself, in a 'teachers' eyes (so to speak) through trust, you CAN learn... AND BY learning, you have hope
to 'react' in positive ways... ways that TURN the key, to an open
door of freedom and LIGHT and fresh air to be able to THINK again... and--to see results, the results of inner peace and joy, at being YOU...
you can be you, in the midst of any circumstance, and sail your boat, through the dismal seas, or the joyous seas... then... one DOES require more work, for the dismal seas, but 'north star' of knowing WHO you are and what held you down, keeps it all clearly on track for the long haul....
now, last note... one of these gals, only one, DOES have a community club type organization where they know each other and IF she feels she is slipping (and sadly, due to family members, when they get together) there is that extra anchor of FRIENDS AND COUNCIL AND SUPPORT...
so, whewww, i said all that to just support what john said--those in depressions, CAN'T see the garden to be had, as the thorn bushes of ones SELF have to be tackled and cut away with care and sorted out... initiative... and... self-diagnose...
years back, (the gals confessed) if anyone would have tried to help or share help: they would not see or believe that there were any answers at all... the felt THAT hopeless... suicidal and self-hurt wise (one of them) ... and the other (was agressive, attack-mode and get back at folks, to keep them at bay)...
i do see victories and so does do their loved ones... so whatever your various troubles... yes, please, keep sharing, looking, trying and just
please do NOT GIVE UP!!
keys can only be found, by looking for them... and they DO OPEN
doors of hope, and those lead out to freedom...
whether a 'stay on guard' type of freedom... or a solid freedom... whichever... keep your trail, once you step out...
keep your friends!! and keep your councilors!!!
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Yury
Mountain climber
T.O.
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Nov 11, 2014 - 06:58pm PT
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I haven't done anything to deal with my snoring I can think of at least three relatively easy ways of dealing with snoring.
1. Ear plugs e.g. these plugs
2. Wait a little bit. When my hearing deteriorated I stopped hearing snoring of my wife.
3. Change of a mindset. I do not sleep well in a hotel room after a long break because of a noise of different A/C fans. I just accept it and do not try to do anything. However in a couple of weeks I just do not hear the same noise anymore and it doesn't prevent me from sleeping better.
Approach is relatively simple – just accept it, do not focus on it, relax and wait.
So I believe that a person can learn how to deal with snoring the same way I learned how to deal with A/C noise.
Good luck.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 11, 2014 - 08:43pm PT
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Thanks Sooze!!
Thanks Tami! I've been meaning to come hang with u guys. Sounds like a great excuse.
Allow yourself? Depression isn't exactly like that. Did you allow yourself to break your back? I'm not trying to be hard on you Big Mike, but this is the kind of stuff a therapist could help you sort through. Its not weakness.
I hear you John. You are correct. That is defeatist language and i know it. It was really nice to have a counsellor at GF and she made me feel really comfortable and helped me look at things from the other point of view..
I just need to find the right person and i haven't devoted any time to it.
If subconsciously you believe that your problems are silly, then of course you would not want to work on them, which would lead to the situations that you face now which can feel overwhelming.
Yup. My priorities are skewed for sure. These issues definitely are not as important to me as they are to my partner and are easier for me to ignore. Now it's blowing up in my face.
Of course the underlying issue there is my societal view, and what i truly find important. It can be tough to chase the dollar when you don't really believe in it. When in fact you find it and what it truly represents, repugnant.
In that matter John, my heart goes out to you sir. I wish there was more i could do to help you with your plight.
Just remember when you put something off until tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. If you really want to get something done, give yourself a deadline, and a penalty for missing it.
That is very wise advice Dru. Thank you. When I actually put my mind to it, things can get done very quickly. I just need to get over that hump. Thanks for the shove.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Nov 11, 2014 - 08:50pm PT
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3. Change of a mindset. I do not sleep well in a hotel room after a long break because of a noise of different A/C fans. I just accept it and do not try to do anything. However in a couple of weeks I just do not hear the same noise anymore and it doesn't prevent me from sleeping better.
Approach is relatively simple – just accept it, do not focus on it, relax and wait.
So I believe that a person can learn how to deal with snoring the same way I learned how to deal with A/C noise.
I agree entirely dude! My ex used to do this with me. Unfortunately it requires a partner capable of adapting their mindset.........
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Nov 11, 2014 - 09:37pm PT
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hey there say, all...
oh, i was out in the yard, and just remembered, this, too...
something along the lines, that warbler mentioned, i think??
about problem solving... (i may have to go back and reread)... but, i have worked with children, all my life, and i have found one the best things to do with them, is to not yeild to the too easy poor me things... but, to sit down and talk and work things out, as to the needs and wants, and the what's wrong... what can we do... instead of making all perfect so the kids will just sit down and be quiet and content...
there is a teaching, that goes on, for every situation, with children, and when parents take the time to do this, no matter the inconvenience, well, the children have an easier time of it when things go wrong...
thus, depression can hit, or not, but IF it does for some reason, due to the ones mentioned above, as to the friends of mine... that is one things...
but it it hits, and there has been no 'pre set-up for failure' as to low self esteem or belittlement by others...
well, what i mean, is, if it HITS when all things seem to be going well, but suddenly come to a screetching halt, or 'mud slide' well then:
one is able to diagnose and have a stronger anchor to fight back...
(had to get that one, in , too, as so many folks come from a variety of backgrounds, and some may have had a pretty good self esteem, at least)...
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Sport climber
moving thru
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Nov 11, 2014 - 10:56pm PT
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Just re read much of this thread. Oh God, tears for we humans that fight this thing clothed in mists of greys and black. The black hole that comes out of no where on days we don't suspect and tries with all its might to take us down.
It can be overcome. It can.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Mar 10, 2015 - 09:05am PT
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i read this article in the NY Times this morning:
Blocking the Paths to Suicide
i thought it noteworthy on this forum; but didn't think it wise to start another thread on the subject, so i am posting here.
Two interesting facts reported in the article are below. Hopefully the underlined word helps some understand the act they consider "cowardly or selfish". The second is surprising to me.
“What people experience before attempting suicide is a combination of panic, agitation and franticness,” he said. “A desire to escape from unbearable pain and feeling trapped.”
Sometimes, depression isn’t even in the picture. In one study, 60 percent of college students who said they were thinking about ways to kill themselves tested negative for depression.
There are facets of suicide in the article, specifically those related to guns and gun ownership that i can't agree with because i am a gun owner and enjoy hunting wild game. i am at peace with myself when i am hunting. i don't think ridding myself of guns would extend my life one minute, other than by preventing accidental death from a gun.
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Craig Fry
Trad climber
So Cal.
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Mar 10, 2015 - 09:13am PT
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My wife snores.
And it takes me a long time to get to sleep, I need it to be quiet.
What to do?
Sleep with a Pillow over my head.
I'm so used to sleeping with a pillow on my head, now I even to block the white noise.
It also keeps your head warm.
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Karen
Trad climber
So Cal urban sprawl Hell
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Mar 10, 2015 - 09:58am PT
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I am depressed due to plain old biological reasons, however, my depression has in creased exponentially due to circumstances out of my control. I have roommates from Hell and according to my therapist my situation is very unhealthy for me.
There is nothing I can due, due to my finances, cannot move out. It is complicated and I don't want to get into it here. I totally relate to that article above and the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane our my kids and what it would do to them if I offed myself.
And seriously cannot let those sh#t head roommates effect me down that road.
Again I want to express how hopeless and trapped I feel. I do have a plan once it warms up and that is to leave and go be a dirtbag for weeks at a time, there is only one problem though, I have a cat and leaving her for weeks is just unfair so thinking I need to find her a good home. This breaks my Heart though.
Life really sucks right now but I do know getting away from here and climbing raises my mood.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Mar 10, 2015 - 12:40pm PT
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Karen- Hang in there. Life is a series of changes.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Mar 10, 2015 - 01:02pm PT
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So sad to see this thread, started by our own Jeff Batten = Lost Arrow = Juan de Fuca.
A cry for help ... ultimately he took his own life, and it took us weeks to notice him missing from the forum, and discover that he had died.
Didn't he have friends on McTopo who would have known right away? So sad ...
RIP Jeff.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Mar 10, 2015 - 05:46pm PT
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peton pete, i, in no way want to take away any thing from Juan (Jeff), just the opposite.
Juan, whom i didn't know from anywhere but the forum and didn't "know" him in any real sense other than suffering the same illness.
i still wonder if he failed to receive my emails or just didn't care to respond. i tried to relate my experiences so that he wouldn't feel alone.
To me that is the most dreaded aspect of this problem; you feel so alone; as if no one can understand the darkness you are living in. i feel that way 99% of the time.
The ironic part is that he titled the thread as if he was on to something positive, and some of his posts indicated the same.
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Mar 10, 2015 - 06:18pm PT
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Depression is horrible. I battled it for years. Much better now.
With that said............if I got a dollar for each misspelled word I found on this forum I could once again travel or finish "The Book". lynnie
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Mar 10, 2015 - 07:50pm PT
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Tobia, thank you for your so honest post. I'll keep you in heart and prayers.
I'm on the high side of older now. Looking at life It seems to me that every human struggles with something. Some can more readily disguise their battles. Honesty is a balm with the power to heal not only yourself but others.
Again, Thanks.
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Evel
Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
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Mar 10, 2015 - 09:17pm PT
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Depression. Hoo Boy. Right now I'm ready to put a barrel in my mouth. But I ain't gonna.
Too curious about the sunrise tomorrow.
Still, my Big Green Monster is a Right Bastard and is often hard to fight. I'm still winning.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Mar 10, 2015 - 10:13pm PT
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I don't suffer from depression, and my "shut up and climb" outlook to life, plus an optimistic attitude, sees me through the dark times. I can't imagine the difficulty of clinical depression. I'm blessed.
"With that said............if I got a dollar for each misspelled word I found on this forum I could once again travel or finish 'The Book'. lynnie"
You owe me a dollar, Lynnie. In English, one is required to capitalize the spelling of names, especially one's own name.
Please pay me a Merrican dollar, not a Loonie. Exchange rate is bad these days.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Mar 10, 2015 - 11:09pm PT
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Depression is something that I have faced enough times in my life to be able to comfortably say it sucks but it can be an incentive for growth and that is not such a bad thing. The answers we seek and the remedies for our ill feelings are elusive at best, the solutions not often obvious. Endurance and sacrifice can be either a virtue or a cruel illusion that we only realize until it is over.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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It's over. But she still lives here. For now.
I'm circling the black hole again but the gravitational pull seems lighter this time. I can deal with this. I am ready to move on. I think..
I know this is what's best. It's been headed this way for awhile. I will be happier on the other side. Rent is expensive but not much more than my own room in a shared house, so i think i'll just have to suck up the extra cost for now and see where that leaves me with overall numbers...
I'm looking forward to flying solo for a bit..
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Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
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"In another times forgotten space, your eyes looked from your mother's face . . ."
Hey Big Mike, this is something WE have all been through . . .
"Wildflower seed on the sand and stone . . . may the Four Winds blow you safely home . . ."
Don't forget the big picture in the midst of the moment.
"In Franklin's Tower there hangs a bell . . . it can ring, turn night to day . . . Ring like fire if you lose your way. God save the child that rings that bell . . . might have one good ring, you can never tell."
We are all flying solo, whether we realize it or not.
Love you Brother.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Thank you so much guys. It's been headed this way for awhile. The gap has widened year after year. It's amazing how oblivious one can be to obvious clues when they are deluded by the heart...
Edit vvvvvvvv Thanks Glenn. I know i do and i'm looking forward to having some free time to expand on some of those friendships.
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Tricouni
Mountain climber
Vancouver
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Mike, hang in there. There are many people on this forum and elsewhere who care deeply for you. I know you have to deal with it your own way, but you always have backup.
Glenn
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO & Bend, OR
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Mike:
If
you are "Circling the black hole again …:
Then
It would make sense to cease voluntary consumption of depressants.
Logical?
P.S. Pot is a depressant - amongst other things.
"While many psychoactive drugs clearly fall into the category of either stimulant, depressant, or hallucinogen, cannabis exhibits a mix of all properties, perhaps leaning the most towards hallucinogenic or psychedelic properties, though with other effects quite pronounced as well."
Wikipedia, "Effects of Cannabis."
PPS. Ever noticed how many climber/pot smokers quit smoking?
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pyro
Big Wall climber
Calabasas
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hang in there Mike!
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Thanks for the reminder Terry. I am well aware of certain tendencies. Luckily i haven't felt the need to drown my sorrows this time and we're finalizing a few things, so i'm feeling a little better about the situation.
Thanks Tami. You are awesome. I'm still hoping to get out climbing with you this summer!! ;)
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Thinking of you guys.
Disorientation will be replaced by direction. Yeah, that time thing that needs to take place.
Susan
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Thanks Suze! If people could reach out to Sandra at this time i know she would really appreciate it..
Edit Thanks Neebs!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, big mike... and to sandra too... take alone time, and get to know who each of you are, as yourselves... that will build you up, each, in your own... then, work on the depressions, etc... and what your next trail seems to be, as to growing and staying well, and--having a vision...
without a vision, of what next, where to go, etc... that's when folks slide down bad... :(
you are both well loved by all of us... sometimes, trails just can't mix, but then, later, you can still have a some special 'waves' along side, farther alone, and still be glad for the past times, and then--the memories won't hurt, etc...
god bless to you both...
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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There is a great song by a band called Dr. Dog called, That Old Black Hole that is spot on dealing with depression, check it out on uTube. Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you, hang in there!
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Positive vibes to both of you, Mike!
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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One of my psychiatrists, during the initial appointment, asked me a lot of the typical questions, then asked me how much ju-ju I smoked and how often. I was hesitant to respond honestly; but did so because I was desperate for help and had nothing to lose by giving an accurate response.
My reply initiated the following: "Go home, quit smoking ju-ju for 6 months. If you can do that, make another appointment with me and I will be glad to work with you." He went on to explain the effect of ju-ju on the brain and that it is virtually impossible to beat the black dog when one habitually smokes.
It took me longer than 6 months; due to having been a user since I was 13 or so. I was in my mid 30's when I gave it up. The black dog still bites; but I doubt I would have made it this far if I hadn't given it up.
Much later on I gave up alcohol; but I was a moderate drinker compared to my ju-ju consumption.
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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So is a glass of wine too much? A beer?
Locker, curious what you think....
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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mike,
don't hate yourself
on your journey.
i can tell you
in case you're confused.
you're a good man.
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Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
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Not that this pertains to Big Mike . . . If you can't handle weed, don't smoke it! I am tired of the demonization . . . Quit doing meth and quit blaming cannabis!
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Psychic discomfort/pain can be a positive catalyst for emotional growth- a strong motivator for dealing with emotional issues that would otherwise be easier to just ignore or put off dealing with. Having a substance (prescribed or not) or a behavior that helps you to tune out that pain signal is a coping mechanism, but beware if it shuts down the motivation to face and deal with whatever is the source of the pain. It can keep you stuck in a painful space, perhaps letting damage continue or remain unresolved while you ignore the pain signal. Inner freedom for me means being able to look directly at whatever is the source of the pain, learn what I can from it, take whatever actions I think I need to take, and move on without that pain dominating my ongoing experience of life. A life spent running or hiding from pain leaves little time/space for peace, contentment, and happiness. I have found that escapist pleasures tend to be short-lived and hollow, tinged with regret or with some price to pay at the end that feels like living beyond my means- like borrowing money for something I can't really afford and thinking of the payback when I'm trying to enjoy it.
But I ain't no psychologist, and this is just my personal ideal that I try to live by, with varying degrees of success.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Thanks to Karen, Jaybro, Tobia and Scott for your love and concern.
Weege- Thanks. I will never hate myself because i lead my life by the principle of do no harm. I strive everyday to be the best person i can, knowing that all humans have flaws.
I want to do right by everyone, and not feel guilty about anything i've done. I have not always succeeded in this endeavour, but i always try.
I am well aware that certain drugs are depressants and can cause or aid a downward spiral. Thank you for the reminders. I have been feeling better lately, since things have been working out. She is seriously moving now, since i'd made my feelings on the subject clear.
I'm looking forward to a change in the air.
Suprema- i think that is the most human thing you have ever posted here. Thank You.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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I started taking Wellbutrin last year after someone on here recommended it. It seems to help. At the very least my first thought when I'm feeling stressed isn't f*#k it, wish I was dead. I just wish there was a drug that made me believe that anything matters cause I still can't seem to grasp that part.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Skitch, you are right about there not being a medicine for that. Maybe you can take comfort in knowing you aren't alone feeling this way.
I have posted many times my struggles with depression; to the level of ad nauseam. Some people believe it is self-pity or attention seeking. I hope that is not the case, as I don't relish negative attention, nor is cyber attention very fulfilling.
Meds don't work for me; the best defense for me is 0² uptake. Even then I struggle with the point of a continued existence.
It is strange for me to be around people that love life in an unlimited manner; sometimes it is helpful and others it leaves me with a feeling of complete alienation.
The mind is a confusing place. I feel like there are several "me's" incorporated in one mind; one seems to get the better of the other on any given day.
I can't describe the differences because I can't remember what one self feels like when I am the other self.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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Tobia, goddamn I wish there was an answer for us. I feel like I'm missing something when I'm around those life-lovers. . .I just can't figure out what it is, I just assume that I either have something f*#ked up in my brain that doesn't allow me to ignore the shitty parts of life as much as other people. . .or other people are just a lot better at interacting with each other in a way that I cannot.
I have always been a social reject, in high school I was picked on non-stop cause I, for whatever reason (probably stupidity), cannot keep my fat mouth shut. I also didn't do cool kid things like drugs, and smoking, and obviously no sex with other people!
After high school I went into the Air Force and found that I could get people to laugh by being really crass. I was constantly in trouble there because I talked too much and could not understand the what and why of what we were doing. . .and would question the authority given to the few dipshits that were too dumb to get out and "make it" in the "real world."
After the military I went to college, the next place I had a hard time understanding other peoples drive, I struggled through 5 years to get a degree in engineering, despite never understanding any of the classes I took.
After I graduated I went off to the Peace Corps, which was full of life loving do-gooders that couldn't see the world as a giant stink-pile, as I found it.
Thanks to the economy dropping, and my horrible college grades, I ended up back in college, this time for a masters in engineering, at the only school that would accept me (I had a 2.76 Gpa, they required a 2.75!!! and no Gmat test!!!). Struggled there for 2 years, still finding no reason behind what I was doing, except to not piss my wife off.
Now I have a "real job" and surprise, I absolutely hate it. I can never get anything done, I feel like I'm missing whatever it is that keeps these f_ckers going every day, and all I can think about is what I'm going to do at night and the weekends. I make great money, which allows me to buy multiple bicycles, a decent house and drive a new truck. Still I constantly feel like life is Bullsh#t.
When I think about what other things I could do instead none of them sound like they would really be any better.
How do people find fulfillment in anything???? I've climbed The Nose, 5.12+, mountain biked on the sweetest trails, have a really cool wife, 2 okay cats, 3 bicycles and I live in a climbing mecca. Still I don't find any fulfillment or real pleasure in any of it.
I grew up a Christian, which helped me at least feel like some aspects of my life had some sort of meaning, but now that I am pretty certain that there is no god, or at least one that gives a flying f*#k about humans, I have zero interest in life. I am able to distract myself when I'm out playing, but when I think even to this coming weekend I have a hard time giving a sh#t. . .but I'll find something to do.
I also hope that people don't take these posts as attention seeking, although in the end it probably is. I have a strong suspicion that my feelings all come from a deep laziness and that all of this is how I justify being lazy, or I'm lazy because I don't see any point in anything. . . either way I feel like a useless piece of sh#t, therefore I perform as such. . . I really think this world, and my family would be 1000% better off with out my bullshit dragging them down.
I forgot to take my magic numbing pill this morning.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Skitch, if looking for answers and trying to help someone is considered "attention seeking", then I put that off on the accuser.
I've been through the career rotation ride since I can remember. I have had many, the latest was a middle grades teacher; but I couldn't handle it. God knows I tried, or I hope he does. I loved the kids; but I could not handle the organization and the work behind the scenes. And that is as large portion of what teaching is about. I coached XCC running, the training and meets were easy, every other aspect was overwhelming.
I feel unstoppable when I am on the threshold of max VO²; the rest of the day is like a fire drill.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Skitch, that was a super honest and open post.
Everyone goes through rough spots, but yours sounds more permanent. The thing to keep in mind IMO, is that 99% of it is in your head. Have you talked about therapy before, or helpful drugs?
My mom hasn't been the same since my dad died, 25 years. Just last fall she agreed to go on a "happy camper" med, that has seriously made a difference. I don't even know exactly what it is, or I would say. But the clear fact is that she's been better, without being a drone.
Keep doing everything that you can to reach for the gold ring. There are people that need you.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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+1 for pharmasolutions (not sarcasm)
+1 for staying strong for those loved ones around you, here or otherwise.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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Thanks Suprema: Ive asked God and she said to shut up and quit being a little bitch. I should listen to God.
As to my wife: I'm only able to open up to complete strangers that I hopefully will never meet, not family or my friend.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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I just wish there was a drug that made me believe that anything matters cause I still can't seem to grasp that part.
At the core I have a nihilist view of things, that there is no intrinsic meaning in life or anything, and the only meaning is what we decide to assign to stuff. Depending on your outlook, that can be really depressing or it can be enlightening and empowering. For me, it means I'm in charge of creating meaning in my life and choosing values that I want to live by, and the acting accordingly. I choose values in large part by considering whether they would make the world a better place (lead to more happiness for more people) if more people followed them.
I go through phases where I don't find pleasure in stuff- but having a "fake it until you make it" usually helps me. I have a sort of inertia for getting involved in stuff or getting out of the house. Just last week I came pretty close to skipping my band practice, and I was soooooo glad I went. I expected to not have a good time (I didn't make time to practice new songs beforehand because I was focusing on fixing my gear, my gear was a mess, I was/will be out in weeks before and after because of vacations, etc.), and it turned out to be one of the best sessions in a while using a borrowed guitar and the house amp with no effects in the rehearsal studio. Pushing through the activation energy to enjoy the higher energy returns of an activity is something that I have to use will power for.
If you can get more articulate about what you don't like about the activities in which you engage, and explore your attitudes about it, you can figure out what to change to make it a more positive experience. Maybe chasing numbers isn't ultimately a rewarding way for you to experience climbing. Maybe focusing on something else like the camaraderie or observing the beauty of your position and surroundings might be a pathway that helps you enjoy climbing more. Maybe picking a new niche to explore like offwidths or obscurities or runout slabs might be the ticket.
Maybe there is some other activity you might enjoy more? Are you seeking to be appreciated/liked/accepted by others or feel belonging in a group as part of doing these activities, and that expectation is never satisfied as deeply as you would like through the engagement of any activity? That could be a deeper layer of issues with being or inter-personal relationships that nothing on the doing plane can solve. OK- end of armchair psychologist musings. These probably reveal more about my personal path and exploration than anything you are going through!
One other semi-random thought in response... during one of my darkest periods of dealing with difficult external circumstances, I volunteered for a community youth project (teaching guitar to inner-city kids in high violence areas), and it helped me a lot. I have seen that pattern where people who are unsatisfied focusing on self-satisfying activities often find a great sense of fulfillment in dedicating themselves to others.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, big mike, and all... hey there, to tobia, too, :)
the main things that needs to happen, which IS the hard part... is to just get through one day... by doing one day, at a time, and 'practicing' to not let someone else, or something else, BE your happiness, then, you can learn that YOU yourself, are the one to learn to 'guard over' and watch and tend to your brain and spirit...
some folks ask god, for help with that, which is what i always did... and other, read, or, talk to a third-party, as to a coach, WHEN they hit a bad snag...
but, the main thing, is, that ONCE one starts to 'things that are beyond their grasp or control' AS BEING the way to get out of being depressed and be happy, well:
it is the 'flies away like eagle' or 'illusive butterfly' or, the ol' rodeo ride, or trecherous cliff...
thus, please, tackle each day, at a time, and later, you will find TWO DAYs... AND onward, it can go...
it is not so disappointing, if you 'miss the goal' then, as you have not fallen so far down the ladder, that you feel you will never get back up...
don't look down, either, :)
if takes time to learn and know yourself well, and what and how, to make the 'even keel' of your inner spirite and brain, line up...
don't look at the success of others, as, folks are all different, keep looking at HOW you can work your trail, and TALK to folks about how you are doing... just remember: if they are NOT there on that day you feel you need them--this is where the 'you, the fledgling, has to USE that practice' ... exercise yourself to the next step up...
you are always there and with yourself, when no one else might be...
thus, your answer, can't be in other things, and folks...
that part does come later:
as you grow out of the things that caused, and can cause depression, you can find that you CAN have joy and contentment in doing NEW things and loving what you do, and you will find LESS and less, that you fall...
sorry, i know it DOES sound like a hard way to go about it, but... i have gone through the trail, and it does work, a day at a time...
before you know it (well, years later, it FEELS like before you know) you are a strong healthy plant, BEARING fruit and helping to coach others, ...
:)
folks here, too, have so much to share... keep checking in and find which advice works for you... and 'start' coaching yourself...
remember, the little critters, they hava a far more precarious life, but they get by, a day at a time... when hard stuff kicks in, (fly south for the winter, forage for food, fend of adverstiy) well, it just happens naturally, then, ... it is just part of who they are...
get strong, first, a day at a time, and each day, you can learn how you will naturally handle troubles, then... :)
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Craig Fry
Trad climber
So Cal.
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Here is the Depression Test
Answer honestly about how you feel,
not if it's Ok or not to think that, or if you will ever act on it (because it's just a feeling)
1. Do I hate everything?
2. Do I hate myself?
3. Do I wish I was dead?
If you answer all 3 with a yes, then you are depressed.
It works for me
Today I'm not depressed, no yeses.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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For me, depression was a multi year struggle, hindered by alcohol. When I finally righted my capsized ship, I had lost something that before then was integral to me. Empathy. I'm still working on it, but I found that in order to fix myself, I had to focus on me and me alone. The collateral damage was my interpersonal relations, and it's tough.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, brandon_...
got me thinking... again, kind of like that 'get oneself' well first, and then, one can reach out to others... though, as you said, you miss out socially, then--but still, if one feels physically sick, one does need to take the down time, and miss the socialness, and thus, is strong again, to get out and about... :)
say, i thought this thread, might be of interst, to connect here:
i posted this, over there:
it seems that after reading about the vagus nerve, etc, that this thread might add a bit OF GOOD to that thread, as well...
so i will put a link, (so folks might like to cross on over, to here) if they want to read, over here... or not...
main thing, that i took note of, was the 'breathing and relaxing' that was mentioned...
kind of a good idea, for the depression, was:
learn to relax and you can think clearer, and your body will respond better, etc, --could also help one not feel the stress that can break one down, and make one more apt to feel depressed, too...
like to help find answers, work to help yourself learn to understand what could be wrong...
PERHAPS, ALSO... learning to relax, and not have the vagus nerve stimulated to much by strees and anxiety, perhaps can help... the body does know what it needs, and when this goes wrong, the whole body can fall out of peace...
here is the thread, and the discussion over there...
(i just got to thinking of all this, by reading some articles on the vagus nerve, which ksolem got me interested in learning more about--sure hope that might help, also) ...
one never knows, until they read up and try, ...
here's to so many good hopes for everyone, in whichever ways work, to get folks on a new path and out of depression...
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=2651460&tn=20#msg2652549
http://www.innovateus.net/innopedia/what-function-vagus-nerve
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 18, 2015 - 07:03pm PT
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The black pit of Hell has returned and I know why, began a job after having a long stretch off. This job is sucking the very life out of me. We are expected to perform at an unreal level that I do not feel I will be able to withstand.
There is nothing I can do, I took a huge risk and relocated for this job and now this...fukking depression again.
I cannot tell the people who love me for reasons I won't get into but to the point if a car ran over me I would not care.
The people who love me I just don't think they fully understand but I know you guys do and this is why I am reaching out, speaking out, there is some solace in that.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jul 18, 2015 - 07:08pm PT
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hey there say, karen... oh my... everyone feels the very same--jobs like that, that suck your life out, are not good health, body or spirit-wise...
say, i am 'hitting the floor' now, and praying for this bad situation...
let's hope that someone something will 'shift over' and the trail will turn out better, before the burden becomes worse...
keep checking in... we will be here...
here i go... see you later... prayers prayers and more, it's all i know
to do... to help...
sending love and best wishes...
get as much rest in between hours and at least it can help the body function
better through this... then, talk yourself through a 'spring board' step each morning, before you leave...
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BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
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Jul 18, 2015 - 08:18pm PT
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^^^well that's the best any of us can do for ya Karen:)
also, i know when i'm down in a funk and energy-less and can't think of any positive reason for going on. Especially to work a physically demanding job. i'll pray before leaving the house for God to clear my mind, and ask for His Spirit to fill me..
remember, we are first a natural man/woman, and second we are spiritual beings. We must realize we are materially susceptible to the ails of this body. BUT, just like Jesus we CAN overcome the grip of negativity, hate, fear, self-doubt, depression, AND death! God promised He'd fill anyone who asked to be Filled! So if God is True, He MUST be True to His Word. i no longer merely ask for His intercession. My faith has taken me to demand, or beg for His help according to the relevance of His word.
He has NEVER let me down.
i share this with you as my Truth.
BTW,when i leave the house and hop in my car i start singing the name Jesus i start with the lowest tone, right where i feel that deep blackness in the depths of my being. and stretch His name into a whole sentence.
J-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-u-u-u-u-u-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
J-e-s-u-s
J-e-s-u-s
Brings me up everytime:)
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jul 18, 2015 - 09:08pm PT
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hey there say, jim... is there some kind of a 'watch dog' type thing, for folks to go to, when this stuff happens...
i had a friend of mine, stuck in something like this for years and it was frustrating, 'cause, if she did anything about the added 'was not part of job' stuff... well, she'd lose the job...
she got through it, with a lot of awful hard times, and a lot of crying, over the years, just to release pressure, and now, is higher up in the pecking order...
i think, there was some kind of an advocate there, though, for certain things, but she had to really watch it--
karen--she was so intent though, to support her child, she got through getting depressed, by sheer 'desperation' ... :(
and, i think her mom let her pour it out, over there, after work,
but--was not a just thing, at all... :(
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Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
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Jul 18, 2015 - 09:12pm PT
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Karen,
Sorry to hear of your struggle . . . you are not alone.
Do not forget that everything is temporary . . . particularly your "job".
If you are not happy with your situation, you can change it.
Best to you!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jul 18, 2015 - 11:54pm PT
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hey there say, jim... thanks for sharing that...
and karen... still thinking about you... your'e not forgotten by us, even when we can't keep up, and post, perhaps during the week...
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 19, 2015 - 07:54am PT
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Thank you for your responses. I don't feel so alone. Last night when it got so bad I called one of those help lines and cried, that helped too. However, today is my day off and I want to enjoy it unfortunately I am also on call 24/7 this week for that damn job, so can't get up into the mtns.
Looks like it will have to be the mall...
On a positive note: I did meet another Supertopo guy up here and we've hung out every weekend. He's seen my level of stress and knows how it is taking its toll on me but he doesn't realize my amount of depression. Due to the on call situation I was not able to stay with him due to no cell reception at his place.
Lastly, back to the whole job situation, I just don't understand how they don't realize what they expect is superhuman ultimately leading to burnout. Every week they pile more on me. I understand in the medical profession I am not alone, it seems to be the norm nowadays.
But now this damn depression has got me in its grip and I am going to need some help, soon.
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 19, 2015 - 08:24am PT
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No, not a Doc the irony is I am an LMFT. They fukking work the Hell out of us, it is all about "productivity". I have clients back to back with no time for the mounds of paperwork and all the other sh#t they pile on us.
Yesterday I had to go into work -it was my day off- in order to catch up.
What isn't fair are the clients who see me towards the end of the day, they deserve more since by the time I see them I have nothing left.
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John M
climber
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Jul 19, 2015 - 08:50am PT
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Hey Karen.. You have a lot of people pulling for you. Its often hard to start a new job. And especially the kind of job that you have as it is pretty typical to be overloaded. The work load is too big and the budget is too small. The people who do the best take the attitude of just doing the best that you can, and leaving the rest up to the universe. You have a heart for this kind of work, as you know how difficult things can be, but you won't be of any help if you burn yourself out. My advice would be to not give so much of yourself into each person you see, so that you end up exhausted. It is better to pace yourself, just like in a long climb. You aren't going to fix every person you see, certainly not in any single counseling session, so pace your self. Allow the patients to do more of the work. Help them to do more of the work. In the long run it will be better for them and for you and you will be empowering them, rather then care taking.
I hope that I am not overstepping. If I misunderstood your situation, then please forgive me.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 19, 2015 - 09:13am PT
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This job is sucking the very life out of me.
Oh man! I can relate. I've never considered myself to be in a depressed state. I've been at the same job for 16 years. I used to love my job. But the whole work dynamic has changed and for the last year it is all I can do to drag myself into this hell hole. My performance sucks because I just don't care anymore. Management has taken the approach that they are shipping 70% of our work overseas and that the beatings will continue until moral improves.
I'm tired of sitting in a cubicle smaller than a couch and working on spreadsheets all day. The equivelent of TPS reports as it were.
Sitting in a cube on Sunday trying to get paperwork done so "Lumberg" will get off my ass.
I'm not sure if it is depression or I just hate my job and hate living in Orange county. Not sure what to do to change things; maybe if I could get a break from work I could figure it out.
I haven't sat by a mountain stream since Facelift 2104.
edit: I'm 56, so options are limited. Wish I would have moved to Mammouth when I was 30.
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Jul 19, 2015 - 09:29am PT
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Karen-
John M summed it up nicely:
The people who do the best take the attitude of just doing the best they can, and leaving the rest up to the universe.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 19, 2015 - 12:27pm PT
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even if it's just greeting people at Wal-Mart...
Welcome to Walmart. Get your sh!t and get out. Have a nice day!
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:10pm PT
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Karen-
You will make it. There are a lot of people here that have tread similar roads and are wiiling to throw you a belay.
Hang in there and cheers!
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:14pm PT
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Karen--
re: Johntp's comment:
On belay!
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GDavis
Social climber
SOL CAL
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:25pm PT
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I feel ya Karen, started a "real" job in Feb. 50+ hours a week and only mid-week days off so climbing ain't happenin, 11 hour shifts means 5 days a week I don't see a friend or do anything except deal with stress at work.
This isn't who I am or where I will always be. It's just what I'm doing right now. I give myself the chance to walk away, at any point, walk away and deal with the fiasco. Being broke and homeless really ain't that bad - kind of miss it.
I've given 6 months of my life, 6 months of my 30th year with this company where there was very little time for me. I think it's time to take Me back, and I think it'll suck to eat Top Ramen again but a lot of happy people eat Top Ramen...
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:35pm PT
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Hi Karen
I send love and support.
It might be time to get back into therapy. I "see" someone in socal by phone. It works surprisingly well. Never woulda thunk it. In our profession we are usually way more comfortable giving the help than asking for it. Good for you for reaching out here.
Also, are you running 45 or 50 minute sessions? It's been a long time since I had to chart between sessions but if you could get a few notes done, practicing toward being able to do the absolute minimum needed to keep them off your back, you might be able to survive this. It's better to short each client by 2 minutes so you have the time between sessions to refresh yourself so you can last the day than over-give and run out of steam.
Practice the highest level of self care possible. Do what you would tell a client to do, using the same level of compassion toward yourself that you would for them.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:36pm PT
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GDavis- Going through the same thought process.
I think it's time to take Me back
Thanks.
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Yury
Mountain climber
T.O.
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Jul 19, 2015 - 01:52pm PT
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Hi Karen,
I would like to describe some mitigation strategies.
It took me awhile to learn how to deal with stress and overtime at work. Eventually I developed the following approach:
Project Manager: Yury, can you work this Saturday?
Yury: I have some family commitments and need to check with my wife.
Next day:
Project Manager:?
Yury: My wife has not approved a request for me to work this weekend.
Also you need to develop better attitude towards your job.
Do not feel responsible for outcome of your job if you have no control over Scope/Schedule/Quality targets. You just need to do your best (also taking care of yourself).
Does LMFT stand for “Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists”?
In this case you can spend e.g. 45 minutes out of allocated 60 minutes per session and spend remaining 15 minutes to complete your paperwork. As a result you would not be required to work on your day off.
Your impact on you patients in 45 minutes may be lower but you need to remember to take care of yourself as well.
If you overburdened yourself with a sense of responsibility, the best solution is not to treat your job that seriously. Detach yourself from your job. Treat your job as a game or a simulation.
Some companies consciously run their people to the ground by non-sustainable workload. Then in several years they would dump spent workers and hire new ones.
Again you can use two approaches I described above to deal with such organization.
I was surprised to learn that even if you do not 100% comply with their requests they typically are content even with people who try to create a more balanced workload for themselves.
I am not saying that you do not need to see a doctor.
Some people are able to deal with such mild depression with a change in behavior and attitude.
Others need a professional help.
Good luck Karen,
I wish you faster recovery.
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Jul 19, 2015 - 02:00pm PT
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locker-
Rodger singing is NOT a nice thing.... Get earplugs.
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 19, 2015 - 03:30pm PT
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Another therapist friend of mine told me to not work harder than my clients and boy is she correct. I do need to end the sessions in 45 min.
Thank you all for your kind words and yes locker, I need to climb. However, sitting 40 + hours a week my fitness has bonked. Way too tired and hungry to exercise after work, I'm so beat usually in bed by 8pm, even with getting to bed early does little to lesson my fatigue.
I will take all of your suggestions and for sure try less to stress about my performance.
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GDavis
Social climber
SOL CAL
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Jul 19, 2015 - 10:20pm PT
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Last two days I trained a little bit after ~11 hour shifts. Very easy shifts, mind you, but I feel ya. That's the real indicator to me that it was time to go, keeping my physical self feeling as well as my.... financial... self.
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rottingjohnny
Sport climber
mammoth lakes ca
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Jul 20, 2015 - 05:27am PT
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Most therapists are quacks...Like Dr. Crankster for example...
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 20, 2015 - 05:56am PT
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Working at Walmart is sounding more appealing ...
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Jul 20, 2015 - 06:05am PT
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Karen, I hope you find some coping mechanisms to help you deal with your pain.
I sent you a an email via the taco, did you receive it?
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 20, 2015 - 08:22am PT
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Tobia, remember to send any email to:
Mtnclimber59@ yahoo.co
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Jul 20, 2015 - 08:24am PT
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Thinking of you Karen. I know you made some HUGE changes.
Susan
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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Jul 20, 2015 - 07:51pm PT
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Susan,
I did make a huge change thinking it would be a fresh start. Well, the job is taking me down and as much as I disliked Ca beginning to wish I'd stayed put.
There is one redeeming factor, I have a wonderful ST boyfriend up here but without him not sure what I would do.
Nonetheless, my dark thoughts haunt me and at times not sure how I will endure.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Jul 29, 2015 - 04:24pm PT
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**
ms. nita
as does adderall. :)
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Jul 29, 2015 - 05:34pm PT
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Skitch- Oh man! You sound like me before I broke my back bro. I hope you don't need a major catharsis, like a spinal cord injury to realize how good you have it.
Loosing it all in an instant was a harsh reality, so now getting it back I can really appreciate each and every moment as they happen, and they are that much sweeter my friend.
I suggest you change what you are doing recreationally. Find something new, that you enjoy and then you can come back to the old familiar things that you used to love when you get the urge to do them again.
Good luck my friend. The black hole is deep, and when you are in it's depth it's easy to allow yourself to wallow in it. You can rise up, but you must will yourself to do it. Fight it. Go do something. Get help. It's hard to accept it, i'm guilty of that myself. (Thanks Daphane.)
Karen- I hear you. Stop killing yourself. Do what you can. Do your best, it's all you can, but don't fricking kill yourself for these people. If they want, they can fire you and you'll probably be better off. So screw those guys.
Do your best. Fvck the rest.
Greg- Sorry to hear that. Living is more important than cash to me at the moment, but you have to decide where your priorities lie.
I'm fairly confident you will make the right decision. ;)
John- go climbing man! ;) Really sorry to hear about this crap you have to put up with at work. I hate office bs.
I'm doing better. Keeping super busy between, work, play and dating.. So distracting myself basically. I feel lighter though, which is nice.
Anyways, i'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. Hope you are all doing well.
Mike.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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Jul 29, 2015 - 06:13pm PT
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I wish I could figure out what my major malfunction is. I get super depressed when I procrastinate at work and don't get anything done, then I get super pissed/stressed/anxious when I do try to get sh#t done. Maybe I just don't know how to do the sh#t I'm expected to do for work, and don't have anyone to help me so it makes the learning curve more difficult than it seems like it could be.
I think that I'm just a product of my environment: lazy & entitled.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Jul 31, 2015 - 08:37am PT
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it is thoroughly exhausting
trying to keep something
alive that wants to die.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 31, 2015 - 11:22am PT
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I wish I could figure out what my major malfunction is. I get super depressed when I procrastinate at work and don't get anything done, then I get super pissed/stressed/anxious when I do try to get sh#t done. Maybe I just don't know how to do the sh#t I'm expected to do for work, and don't have anyone to help me so it makes the learning curve more difficult than it seems like it could be.
I think that I'm just a product of my environment: lazy & entitled.
I hear ya. Don't know what you do, but work throws us a lot of curves. Sometimes it takes me some time to gel a problem. So it goes.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Jul 31, 2015 - 01:15pm PT
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Skitch, i had the exact problem as a school teacher. i knew life science like i knew myself; but it was the organizational part of teaching and the combination of communicating w/ parents that I did not know.
i finally had the towel thrown in for me. Although i knew i was headed into some troubled waters such as no income, i felt so much relieve that i didn't care. i knew i wasn't doing a good job and it made me feel bad for the kids, their parents and the school. i was so stressed i couldn't sleep, eat and sometimes breathe.
i'm not sure of what kind of work i can do.
This may not be your situation; but the symptoms you wrote about seem like they came from me. i'm toasted, as this is a life long problem.
You may be at the wrong place doing your job.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Jul 31, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
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Weege- That it is. Chin up bud. You got lots to live for.
The hole is a tough place to be. I feel for anyone stuck within it's depths.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Jul 31, 2015 - 03:40pm PT
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i finally had the towel thrown in for me. Although i knew i was headed into some troubled waters, no income, i felt so much relieve that i didn't care. i knew i wasn't doing a good job and it made me feel bad for the kids, parents and the school. i was so stressed i couldn't sleep, eat and sometimes breathe.
I am so there. Well put.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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At this point i don't think you can beat depression at all. It seems it has the edge all the time and plays with one's mind like a cat does a ball on a string.
i post here to try and offer encouragement to others as well as myself. i am now at the lowest point in years, after months of more ups than downs, more gain than loss, i got thoroughly whipped yesterday.
Other than my two dogs, that would not understand my disappearance, i have absolutely nothing i care to remain alive for. Friends and family are humans, they can figure it out, they know me and know how the black dog fights.
Forgive me for being so negative; i know it is selfish to post this and i seek nothing by doing so other than letting people know how evil this disease is.
Maybe tomorrow will be different; but how long i can continue to hold onto that philosophy is hard to judge. Where most people have a mind, i have rotten peach, rotting in the morning sun.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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I hope you don't take it as being trite....there is wisdom in it.
Susan
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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*
My heart bleeds for you folks that are suffering with depression...I don't really know what to say except...you are Loved...hang on....hold on..hold on.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
Over 26 Million views... .
Breath....
Breathe..
Much love..
Nita..
Mr B....call me..please.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Thank you Susan and Nita. Although yesterday is gone, my heart and my mind are still heavy. Most people would balk at what sent me into a downward spiral, perhaps i should do the same; but i can't.
The inability to cope with this ordeal stems from my struggle with the dog and the fact that the evil canine created the mess to begin with.
Besides the chemical chaos of one's mind who has to go through life constantly battling the dog, the long chain of both similar and dissimilar life events such as Friday's, are just one of the central factors that leads oneself to have such a vehement disillusionment with their own life. At least i believe it to be that way, for me and others as well.
i am straining to put my thoughts in words. i can't concentrate enough to see if i am making any sense at all.
i know i have to let my life run it's course; but i can't wait for the hour it all ends. That may sound absolutely pathetic and it may very well be; but i can't see it any differently than just that. i'm happy for those who can't identify with this perspective of life. You are truly blessed.
i hate to post this as it will put this thread on the front page and for me it is back page stuff, especially when i am speaking about myself.
Ward, interesting article, from what i could understand. i live at 743 above sea level.
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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[Click to View YouTube Video]
Get things in perspective. To hell with what others think. THAT includes you. It's just thinking, it's just feeling, it's just seeing. Try not to take any of it too seriously or concretely.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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rad, nita.
i clicked michael's video
and then i grabbed my daughter
and we danced together,
for 1/2 a song.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Tobia, don't worry about the way you come off, you write very well. I only wish there was something I could do.
I have a very close friend that suffers daily. When we climb and listen to music and talk about the good times, I am able to pull him up into the light for a few days or hours. But then he has to go back to living his life, in his head and heart, and I can't do that for him.
How many of those who have posted here actually go to a therapist for help? It seems like I haven't seen that referred to much.....
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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mikeL, i wish it were that simple.
Survival, thanks for caring to share your encouragement and thoughts. That is one thing i love about this forum, for all the hate and insults aired, there is so much caring and concern that shines far brighter than the negativity (maybe CMac's advertisers will notice this fact).
i've been in a shrink's care since i was 20 years old and have done therapy off and on for those 38 years as well. Therapists (sometimes) teach you coping skills and methods of channeling or controlling thoughts and feelings that can send you into a downward spiral. i can do that sometimes. Anti-depressants do not work on me, or any combination of.
Most of the time i wake up depressed, even though i went to bed in a normal state. It is also a very cyclic event for me; about 4-5 days a month i experience this darkness and despair. A state i can't really describe except to say it is utter hopelessness and i have the strongest desire to be among the deceased; anything to end the pain. i can't do the suicide thing, so i pray to die.
This Friday i let something send me down to the dog and all my "preventive strokes" failed me completely. To be frank, i learned that my ex-wife had remarried, something i knew was coming up on the radar sooner or later. i am happy for her, i have no ill will against her, i never have.
i am sure that would cause anyone to experience some sadness; however, sadness doesn't describe the emotions of Friday night, Saturday and the early hours of this morning.
i believe that bit of news reminded me of the darkness and despair of her leaving; which may have been due to my struggles with depression. i know that wasn't the only reason; but i am sure it was a major factor.
The strangest thing about depression for me personally is that i feel that there are two of me and neither recognizes or remembers the emotions of the other. i can't describe my thoughts of yesterday, they seem surrealistic. And yesterday seemed like every hour of my life - past, present and future.
i've come out of it now, hopefully for a long while.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Tobia- I feel for you bro. It certainly sounds like what you deal with is many many times more intense than my own struggles.
I hope you feel even better again tomorrow.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Big Mike, it is all relative. It is no picnic for anyone. i appreciate the caring attitude.
Timid, thanks also, make that a double thanks at that* My dogs are a big part of my life. i spoil them something awful. They sense when i am down, so much so that they give me a break on the usual hysteria (barking and nudging) that occurs at their normal feeding time. I'm not sure which one has the watch. I had a black lab that was more of a therapist than a pet for 17 years.
i grieve for the people that never come out of it, the institutionalized people who just stare at the wall all day, everyday. That makes 25 days of freedom seem like something i should celebrate! Also for the people who are ashamed of their plight. i am very shy in many ways; but trying to make people aware of what they or others are suffering is not one of them.
Hopefully i am accomplishing something beneficial to others here; so that they will feel free to vent and seek help.
Admittedly there is some personal therapeutic value as well. I have written pages and pages in dozens of notebooks; but that did not help like posting here.
Yes indeed, it will pass, as all things must. George Harrison told me that.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Hopefully i am accomplishing something beneficial to others here; so that they will feel free to vent and seek help.
YES! Keep coming here. You voice what many others feel and just can't express.
Susan
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Tobia, I have avoided this thread probably because of the pain I have seen depression cause people close to me.
You are courageous in both your fighting an invisible, intractable foe and in your frank and impassioned explication of your trials. I think you have done good service for some people here.
I wish you the best.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, tobia... may you find one good thing, each day... perhaps just a nuzzle with the pupdogs... or the smell of fresh air, as you take them out side, etc...
you are in our thoughts, hearts and prayers and well wishes, so just knowing that folks care, no matter how you feel at each moment, we hope this helps, if even, just a bit...
say, johntp, been thinking about you and almost emailed... oh my, still that same job... i keep hoping and praying that a better new door will open...
this IS a good thread for folks to share on, it is bets to get the feelings out, so that there is at least bit more room for perhaps a glimmer of hope... hope, ads fresh new molecules of like...
keeping thoughts non-stagnant... :)
keep on keeping on, there are days, that you will be glad, that you did, even though they may be hid, among the bad days...
each little victory does do some good... :)
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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I think it honors Juan's memory, that we keep using his thread for this discussion. Thanks for everyone's input.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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long on hope,
short on horizons,
we are left with
an empty bag of resolve
so let's get magical
and cut tricks into
the black sky
thru which bleeds
solutions outside of the heart,
and these plug
the impending hole in the head,
because we've been everything
inside of evil,
but we have never been evil.
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Stevee B
Trad climber
Oakland, CA
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I've been following this thread on and off for years. It's difficult to speak into as it's so personal, everyone responds differently, but I would like to offer my experience as someone who's suffered from depression that it can get better. Much better. Don't give up.
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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Tobia: mikeL, i wish it were that simple.
Tobia, thoughts about thoughts is a kind of insanity. Most everyone takes themselves as real as they think their thoughts are. Feelings are just like thoughts: they manifest, but you will find that you can’t pin them down. They are not concrete, but they can affect you and create the world you live in.
I think I had PTSD for at least 15 years, leading up to a 15-minute suicide consideration. On that day, I realized what was going on at that moment, called my mom, she called my dad who was closest to me, and he showed up and just sat with me. There was nothing that could be said. The feeling, like all feelings and thoughts, passed into nothingness. Leading up to that bout was a 7-month period of depression where I cried uncontrollably, spastically every day. I went insane, and I had no control over it. As it’s been said here, things pass, and what goes around finally comes around. I found it helpful to have folks to talk to, just as you appear to here.
In the later moments of emerging sanity, I began to read everything I could get my hands and eyes on the matter, counseled myself, and forced a kind of discipline (diet, exercise, meditation, learning to live with suffering-as-a-discipline). In time (maybe over 2-3 years) I saw that every passing day my concerns died their own little deaths, one at a time. In 7 years, I returned to what I considered wholeness. That was the first day when i didn’t think about my condition of “broken-ness.”
I think that history was a comforting narrative. Thirty-five years later I found freedom in letting go of that thing that used to be the most important thing to me—me. Don’t get me wrong: life is not heavenly clouds and sugar plum fairies. Nothing has changed but the viewpoint, and I finally saw that “I” is nothing to take seriously at all.
(BTW, melancholy can be a very creative force.)
Much love, and be well.
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squishy
Mountain climber
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I wish it were depression for myself but I sort of skip that and go straight to despair or panic..I have not read this thread and have been avoiding it for years. Mental illness is not socially acceptable yet, even by those who have it..it's a struggle for me every single day..and it's not something I will share here or ask this audience to understand..I am glad to see it talked about though..maybe the next generations will have a more educated perspective.. ;;;
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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I too, have avoided this thread because it strikes a nerve.
Six years ago, I tried to off myself, halfheartedly. It was undeniably a cry for help.
My partner at the time shipped me off to my parents in NH and dropped me like a bad habit, and things got worse.
It's been a struggle, but I decided that life is amazing despite the hardship, and I persevered.
Fast forward three years, and I'd hardened myself, dulled my emotions if you will. I had less sympathy and empathy, but I was pushing forward. Then, I met my wife.
I had no idea how much a human could struggle, but Llama showed me that, for better or worse, people suffer more than I do.
She's not depressed, but struggles with anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn't take much for her to spiral into a very bad place, and I've been put into a place where I have to talk her down. Remember that I've dulled my emotions.
It's been so hard to empathize, but I should, because I've been in a dark place.
Now, when she spirals down, I harden myself and have huge trouble showing love and caring.
This causes problems, obviously.
It really sucks to feel weak (which I still do) and be the stronger partner at the same time.
Life is hard sometimes, I feel for all that participate in this thread, depression really changes you.
FWIW, I beat it by feeling less, as I stated above. It really sucks to feel less, I was once a more compassionate, present individual.
It is not where I want to be as a human, but it is what it is.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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I have not read this thread and have been avoiding it for years.
Squishy, you should read it. Maybe you will read something helpful, or something that makes you want to share and get feedback?
Good luck bro.
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squishy
Mountain climber
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or something that makes you want to share and get feedback?
I can't.. Too much at stake, too many characters reading still which were directly involved in one of my trigger events, played out online for many here to watch and see..it would most likely just give them joy to even talk about it.
I have disassociated myself with every single climbing partner and person I was ever involved with in the "climbing community" due to past events and the effects from it on my life and family. I'm in a good place now, I do not wish to share or revisit any of it, especially with any of you...sorry..
All I will say is that metal health is one of the most important subjects facing our society these days. It's the lurking evil influencing and killing off those around you and you simply have no idea how bad the problem is. I see it in everything now, in the faces of my friends, in the excuses of our past. what is sad is our inability to even recognize it, to accept it and face it...everyone's just a big pussy..you may be able to pull hard, hike far and talk a big game, but it takes a real man to venture inside, and admit your f*#ked in the head..it takes a bigger man to ask those around you to accept that fact and ask for a normal life in spite of it..I have to self medicate, self monitor and I do it blindly with feedback alone..it's not easy and I'm not always perfect about it, but my life has changed for the better and I welcome the next challenge..
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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Hi ya'all. This weekend I ran into a woman who had suffered a lifetime of depression and was very much helped by this:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/basics/definition/prc-20020555
I had never heard of it. I had a client a few years ago who came to me after a series of electro-shock treatments had helped her out of an extremely severe depressive episode. I don't think the TMS is anything like that. But I haven't done the research. Just passing it along as it is covered by health insurance and is used for med resistant depression.
I follow this thread because I am a psychotherapist and because I also have had my low low moments. Those who are sensitive generally do have some struggle in this world. It would be easier to numb out, but then I wouldn't be able to offer the love and compassion that my clients really need. I think Brandon's post speaks to the need for empathy and how hard it is for sensitive people to keep themselves open.
Just this weekend, Susan's post about putting your hand on your heart was helpful to me in a difficult moment. Remembering to send myself loving always always helps, even if just for the seconds I am doing it. I send Love to all those reading.
Edit: Scuffy!!! When you camping on my couch again?
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scuffy b
climber
heading slowly NNW
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Professional help is the greatest.
Admitting you have a problem is hard.
Asking for help is doubly hard for some of us.
Find a therapist. You won't be judged. The trust and insight can lead to amazing lessons about yourself.
Love yourself, and tell it to yourself.
Edit:
Daphne!!!
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scuffy b
climber
heading slowly NNW
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Survival,
I just saw your post of Aug 2.
I see a therapist. Taking that step might be the best thing that ever
happened to me.
I wish we had universal access to therapy. There is a lot going on in us
that we have a poor understanding of. Many of our attitudes are based on
our self-directed attempts to develop logical explanations of the
workings of the world, ourselves, our relations to others, at a time when
we were woefully lacking in experience and background knowledge, i.e.
when we were kids.
Trying to figure things out on your own? This easily leads to wrong
views. Wrong views of how you fit in, of what you deserve, of what you
are worth, of what you mean to the world, to others.
Here's a scenario:
"What are you hoping to get out of therapy?"
"I want to live without dulling my emotions, and not feeling that I
need to."
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Yury
Mountain climber
T.O.
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Squishy, you are a lucky one. Unlike a person with depression you have much better chances to get back to "normal" life.
My friend with severe panic attacks was able to significantly improve his conditions after just two sessions with a good analyst ($200.00 x 2 = $400.00). He had no money for additional sessions, but was told that ROI from additional sessions would be significant!y smaller and was given a plan what to do on his own.
It was too personal that he has not shared any detail with me.
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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Squishy: . . . you may be able to pull hard, hike far and talk a big game, but it takes a real man to venture inside, and admit your f*#ked in the head..it takes a bigger man to ask those around you to accept that fact and ask for a normal life in spite of it..
Excellent.
Ekat:
(You are often a voice of calm and balanced maturity around here.)
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Daphne, i did TMS two summers ago. i started a thread about it:
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=2220943&msg=2255254#msg2255254
It had very positive effects on me. Within a five sessions i was sleeping 5 hours, uninterrupted. That was something I had not had the pleasure of in at least 15 years. My sleep pattern until then was 2-3 hours total, with constant interruptions. It helped with my depression as well.
I am waiting now to do another 30 sessions. Medicare will pay the bulk; but I am having to resort to some creative bargaining for the balance.
MikeL, i'm not sure how to respond; i don't think about my depression during the days that i am not consumed by it. i live life when i am "alive", i am a fitness freak, so i train hard most days. i read a lot. i work on my land. The days i can't function, i try to fight it, only to withdraw and just try to hang on, like a fox tucked away in it's den. That is about all i can do.
i suffer from a few anxiety disorders and i take meds for that; a routine i've been on for all of my adult life. The meds aren't real good for you in the long run; but i would rather have no anxiety today and will leave the worries of possible dementia to a later date. i'm ADD; so in my mind, i've had dementia all my life.
i've read plenty of books about depression including the causative factors, treatment, the varying types and levels including situational and clinical depression. i came away with two non-deniable facts: the mind is a complex organ and most treatment is trial and error. What is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. i've suffered both, the trials and the errors.
There is really one book necessary to know this is all temporary.
So that being said, i am not sure we suffer the same. i don't think there are two cases of depression that are alike and we are all individual animals, even though we are of the same genus and species.
Thoughts of suicide have been with me for decades, i came real close to pulling it off once; but was stopped by a beam of light. For myself, some days i am ready to go at it again; but i don't. i hang on for my dogs, my brothers and sisters, both the genetically related and the spiritual ones. And that beam of light. i can't wait to the day comes when i move from this world to the next, as i know it will be a much better place. Like Timid pointed out yesterday, all things must pass.
My struggles started when i was old enough to have a memory and i accept the fact that i will have it as long as i am alive. i go to the psychiatrists for the anxiety meds, i won't take one of their anti-depressant cocktails, as they have no positive effect on me. The only "benefit" i have experienced is a dulled mind. i have one those natually so i don't need to add any fuel to the fire.
MikeL:
The fact that you attribute "calm and maturity" to an individual who complimented you on your thoughts is a little disconcerting to me. Are you saying no one else is in a calm state and is lacking in maturity?
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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I for one can tell a huge difference between days I forget my welbutrin and days I take it, but I've never been so depressed that I've actually put myself near death, just depressed enough to make the other people in my life wish I was gone.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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The fact that you attribute "calm and maturity" to an individual who complimented you on your thoughts is a little disconcerting to me. Are you saying no one else is in a calm state and is lacking in maturity?
eKat is a good egg, and has always been so. I think that's all Mike was saying. Let's face it, there's a lot of misbehavin' up in here at times!
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Survival, i can see where i misinterpreted that. Thanks for pointing that out.
It didn't make sense to me then; i was having a hard time wondering why he said that and missed the "around here", i was localizing the comment to this thread and not the forum itself. There is a definite lack of maturity and calm on a lot of threads; most of which i stay away from.
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Karen
Trad climber
Casper, Wyoming
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I feel along with depression is the Spector of anxiety, at least it is for me. Today I got home to find a letter on my apt. door stating I owed my rent plus late fees. I was, WTF? I had already paid it, that being said I went into panic mode, full blown anxiety.
I called my daughter and she told me to check my online banking, in doing so, I saw that yes I did pay my rent but due to all the stress I am under made the rent check out incorrectly.
I am depressed and feel assaulted by anxiety, I have my job to thank for this.
I feel the people around me who love me just don't truly down I can get, so down it scares me.
Thanks to one of the posters to this thread has been a great support.
Well, enough for now.
Thanks to all of you who post to this thread, it helps to know I'm not alone, it feels a little like group therapy.
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splitter
Trad climber
SoCal Hodad, surfing the galactic plane
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Aug 12, 2015 - 01:00pm PT
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Just a few days ago, spending several hours looking at the pics on the "Who the hell are you people?" thread was so encouraging and uplifting, picture after picture, page after page it imbued feeling of acceptance that replentished my somewhat diminished hope.so much so that i was certain that if one were able to appear at the scene the moment those pictures were taken you would be warmly welcomed. Regardless, not evan an iota of doubt should exist concerning ones self worth. It's been a life long battle for many of us. One and all, are valuable and precious, just the way you are...no matter what anyone may say or think of you, or what you may think of yoursef. Never give up. All you ST diehards, some of you seem to post day after day...thank you. Sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing one may do or say can renew another's resolve to continue on for at least one more day. It may seem somewhat insignificant, but if we are granted that, what else is there that would be worth trading it (one more day) for. I would have to say that I have therefore been truly blessed. My utmost hope is that I will, once again, see you all here (on SuperTopo) mañana, eh?
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Bump for mad max
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Mad Max
Trad climber
Bakersfield
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Definitely a lot more people dealing with this than I was ever led to believe.
Thanks for the bump mate
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