Flatulance forced bailage...

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Messages 1 - 34 of total 34 in this topic

Lando

climber

Tulsa

Topic Author's Original Post - Sep 21, 2007 - 11:36am PT

Bailed last week off a wall due to HEINOUS partner flatulance. The final straw was the shart. Met the guy on-line....first route together.

A new first?

Dude, if you have a problem, see a doctor, don't bring it on the wall.

Any one have nightmare bailage/partner stories?

screelover

Mountain climber

Canuckistan

Sep 21, 2007 - 11:37am PT

Too bad. It could have been a gas.

Crimpergirl

Social climber

St. Looney

Sep 21, 2007 - 11:40am PT

wow.

bet you are happy you didn't share a tent with him. or maybe you did. that'd be even worse!

Toker Villain

Big Wall climber

Toquerville, Utah

Sep 21, 2007 - 12:10pm PT

I had a "guiding the blind" gig in Boulder where a rather large client (one of eight having myself and two others as guides) shat his pants.

Oy vey!

In the after-climb discussion at a picnic table all the other clients kept moving away from him, and he would move to fill in the "gap" with the feces by now leaking out of his pants, and as the other blind clients jockey for position on the bench they began to acquire the leakage onto their own butts.

Sheesh what a mess!

Chaz

Trad climber

So. Cal.

Sep 21, 2007 - 12:30pm PT

Thank you Lord Windesmere Milktoast.

Especially for the "Our sense of smell is in part based on taste. When we smell something we're actually sampling molecules of whatever it is that 'interests' us...So when we smell a shitty fart, we're basically tasting someone's shit!"

I had a similar experience midway up Fool's Rush on Taquitz.

I thought it was a fart, but realised it wasn't after it was too late.

When I got to the belay I had to take off my harness, my shorts, and my drawers, clean myself up, bury my drawers in the dirt, put my shorts and my harness back on, and then anchor myself.

As the anchor was a tree, my partner was yelling up at me wondering what the hell was taking so long. I kept yelling down that it was kind of a tricky anchor set-up I was working on, just be patient. When he joined me on the ledge, he took a long look at the anchor, which consisted of a sling wrapped around the tree, then a long look at me. He never said anything, but he must've known I was doing more than setting up a belay.

We didn't bail, though.

Alex Perry

Trad climber

California

Sep 21, 2007 - 12:48pm PT

hey you guys sure tell nice stories, real elevating. I guess it's true. You are what you talk about. This should rival the mountain meadows thread, for significant discourse. Look for them on the highlights page of superstupid, i mean, supertopo.

Lambone

Ice climber

Ashland, Or

Sep 21, 2007 - 12:58pm PT

Bailed last week off a wall due to HEINOUS partner flatulance.

Weakest bailing excuse ever. Suck it up and admit that you are not worthy...don't pass the blame onto your partners.

Sharting is part of wall climbing. Get over it.

BIC

Sport climber

Tacoma, WA

Sep 21, 2007 - 01:13pm PT

Dingus - Your stories of flatulence had me crying here at work from laughter. Thanks for the good read!

Mtnmun

Trad climber

Top of the Mountain Mun

Sep 21, 2007 - 01:20pm PT

I posted this one a while back....

Mother Nature is calling, says my crazy f-n buddy on the third pitch of Frogland. Dude, why didn't you do that on the ground. Ok, Ok., We're here on this big ledge, there is a big crack in the back, I'll watch the scenery while you take care of business.

CFB proceeds to take his pack off to prepare for the evacuation. I couldn't believe my eyes when the pack launched off of his back and landed in a tree 180 ft below. His water bladder turned to rainbows of water droplets as it disappeared over the edge.

While CFB takes care of business, I fix the rope for him to rappel down to his pack. Oh Oh Oh no, O M F G the stench from that crap discinigrated my nose hairs. CFB raps off and I am stuck on this ledge with the fowlest gut renching stench ever to eminate from a human. It's like I stuck my head in a septic tank.

The wind is blowing, but the smell is not moving. CFB retrieves his pack and I can not move as I have him on belay. Oh God, no, the s-stained toilet paper blows from the crack and is swirling around me. I want to remove my head and throw it up in the tree. Like skunk on a dog, the smell will not go away. 15 minutes later he returns, I rack up and am out of there lickety split. Two pitches later I can still not get that smell out of my nose.

To anyone who followed us, I am so sorry.

On another occasion ice climbing at Lee vining, we passed a large stinky brown streak half way up the wall. We were informed that on the previous day a climber was leading when he got the cramps and the sh##$$$ts and let her fly down the ice. That was not a pretty site.

'Pass the Pitons' Pete

Big Wall climber

like Oakville, Ontario, Canada, eh?

Sep 21, 2007 - 01:38pm PT

That has got to be the all-time lamest-ass excuse for bailing I have ever heard! It's not like there isn't wind on a big wall.

You're light! Shut up and climb. Sheesh.

[Heh heh, I said "lamest-ass"]

Sparky

Trad climber

vagabon movin on

Sep 21, 2007 - 02:33pm PT

Try being 12 years old at camp in a horse line where the horse in front of you for 2 hrs named "Cisco" would let one loose every other trot....

They were audible fouls-

ontheedgeandscaredtodeath

Trad climber

San Francisco, Ca

Sep 21, 2007 - 02:36pm PT

Had some beers last night at Hotel Utah. I don't think they've cleaned their lines since 1892. Anyway, my office smells so horrible right now I am dreading someone walking in. I want to keep the door open to encourage circulation, but fear a random visit. Between a rock and a hard place I guess.

Crimpergirl

Social climber

St. Looney

Sep 21, 2007 - 03:23pm PT

Still laughing. This stuff + Dingus' writing is almost more than I can take!

BluntMan

Social climber

92595, ca

Sep 21, 2007 - 03:45pm PT

partner shat on my rope once on the Prow. he had the runs for the whole climb. disgusting but WTF, he was my partner and we topped out.

brother came home once to find his son (my nephew) and 2 coeds nekked on the couch. All 3 had their legs spread lighting farts and laughing their arses off. My brother's only comment, "get off the couch or your going to burn the house down".

Big Breasted Woman

Trad climber

The Brown Crack

Sep 21, 2007 - 03:51pm PT

Hey Dingus! Check this out: www.fart-sounds.net. Once on that site, scroll done to "Fart Soundboard 1" and click on it.

C-dog

Trad climber

Bay Area

Sep 21, 2007 - 05:19pm PT

farts on lead = jet propulsion

Ottawa Doug

Social climber

Ottawa, Canada

Sep 21, 2007 - 05:19pm PT

Dingus had me close to tears here at the warranty counter. What a great way to spend my evening. Laughter is sometimes the only way to make it through a day of retail/warranty.

Doug

Gumbelina!

Social climber

Meatchicken

Sep 21, 2007 - 06:47pm PT

DMT you are my hero. Your tales of bodily function mishaps never fail to leave me crying and unable to breathe from uncontrollable fits of laughter. BBW, that fart soundboard is great, my dog came over and started sniffing the speakers on my laptop computer, priceless!

hobo_dan

Social climber

Minnesota

Sep 21, 2007 - 08:50pm PT

Ahh yes- neanderthal humor The best kind, As a science teacher for the last 22 years I have had to perfect the lost art of fartriloquism.
Alas, even with my expertise, I will on occasion go "audible".
The one that stuck was when i was shooting a blowgun to demonstrate projectile motion. I figured I'm going to really zing the dart so I take a deep breath and blow-the dart jams- and the back pressure comes on me, in me, and then through me as I blast out a fart.
The worthless child in the front row, who never so much as breathed the entire year, comes to life and shouts "he farted!"
The mob scene from frankenstein was calm compared to my students as they ran out of my room grabbing anyone and shaking them saying "Mr. hobo farted"
The walk through the lunch room later that day was memorable as I could see many pointing and mouthing the words of an event best not repeated

murf

Ouch!

climber

Sep 21, 2007 - 09:22pm PT

Trevor

Big Wall climber

Escondido, CA

Sep 22, 2007 - 03:03pm PT

DMT, YOU ARE MY BUTT HERO! I laughed soooo hard when I read your stories.

happiegrrrl

Trad climber

New York, NY

Sep 22, 2007 - 03:28pm PT

This summer, I hung out with a guy for a while at Camp Slime. he was a teacher on summer hiatus.

He had a green camp chair you know the type. Simple rectangle of nylon-type fabric with a folding X aluminum base.

So, we're all sitting around and talking, and teacher makes the slightest shift.

{insert whoopee-cushion fartish sound}.....

We all look at him and he declares "Oh! The chair! One of my students(5th grade) gave this too me for an end of the school year gift."

I ask...."So - do you think he knew the chair farted when he bought it?"

Teacher tell us that yes, in fact, the kid was aware. Tells us the story of the gifting at last class of the year's end, and how he is so moved by the gift. He wants the kid to know how much it means to him and so of course he deboxes the chair, sets it up and sits down....pfffffttttt....

The kids all laugh their hearts out.

Teacher is a GOOD one, and finds an excellent comeback....

The principal just happens to be walking by the classroom, and so he calls him in.

"Look at this!" he tells principal. "Little Freddy gave me this excellent camp chair, because he knows how much I love camping. Here -sit down, try it out!"

The principal sits....pffffffttttt.....

The teacher had no only passed the fake gas, but he also passed being the butt of the joke right down(or up) the line.

Later in the day, he asked the kid if he bought the chair because it farted, and the kid covered his mouth to stifle the laughter as best he could, and then broke down, admitting that yes, he had known.

Jay Wood

Trad climber

Fairfax, CA

Sep 25, 2007 - 03:55am PT

Many years ago, on the way to Tuolumne, we crashed at an un-approved place on Friday night. We set up tents for some reason- cold, I guess, and fortunately I was in the other tent.... John really had it going on, ripping loud and deadly farts at regular intervals. Bob protested, but I think he was overcome, as his replies gradually became weak groans, like you would hear from a semi-conscious victim of a vicious mugging. (Also Bob) and I laughed, of course, but with rising concern. Their tent seemed to positively glow with gas vapors, and the noxious cloud extended for many feet around it. I began to imagine the fireball that could result from a simple static charge- induced spark, and wonder about the severity of the damage that might result. Maybe just a lot of hair singed off, but then, the tent would also burn, which could cause 2nd degree burns, if not set off a forest fire! Miraculously, we all made it through the night, and, just like you now wouldn't go hunting with Dick Cheney, and despite his many fine qualities, I haven't shared a tent with John since.

Sparky

Trad climber

vagabon movin on

Oct 8, 2007 - 12:32pm PT

Scotland's ban on smoking in pubs has backfired, so to speak, on a regular customer whose constant habit of breaking wind has now resulted in his expulsion from his favorite watering hole.

Stewart Laidlaw, 35, is being barred from Thirsty Kirsty's in Dunfermline, Fife, for failing to control his flatulence.

"No one could smell anything when the pub was full of cigarette smoke," Laidlaw told Wales on Sunday. "I never used to complain about the smell of their cigarette smoke, but now everyone complains about me. It's just a natural thing. What can I do about it? I must be the first person in the country to get banned from a pub for passing wind. But it's not a title I want. I certainly don't see it as funny."

The pub's owner is crying foul, saying the stench has become unbearable since the country's smoking ban went into effect last year. He thinks drinkers could have been breathing in the waft for years without ever noticing it.

Laidlaw says the ban just snuck up on him, taking him by complete surprise.

"I went in and basically he turned round and said, 'Stewart, that's the last fart you do in this pub. Get out.' I didn't even have a chance to draw breath," he told the Dumfermline Press.

"I just walked in and that's all he said to me. I don't know if he meant I'd done it before or just then. He didn't let me ask. What I remember when I walked in was there was a guy playing pool and it was already stinking and everyone was laughing. It could have been anyone. I've probably done it in the past – when you're drinking and having a laugh you don't think about it – but that's not the point. I must be the first person in Dunfermline to get banned from a pub for passing wind. I'm really angry about the way I've been treated. He's making a mountain out of a molehill."

John Thow, the landlord at the pub, is blasting back, saying the long-term flatulence was beyond a joke.

"It is just disgusting," he told the Press. "He revels in this and does it all the time and it's absolutely foul, it would make you sick. Since the smoking ban he's made a career out of this. He has been warned and asked politely to stop it on many occasions.

"We are a bus station pub and trying to keep new customers. The final straw was when an old gentleman came in and had his gin and tonic and the old guy was almost sick.

"Other people have dropped handbags, shall we say. But when everybody's choking and I come out with the spray and say don't do it again, they will appreciate that and stop it.

"His defense is, 'It wasn't all this when I had to put up with the smoking.' Everybody can pass wind but when you make a hobby of it, it is going too far.

"He will clear the pub out usually and he thinks it is very funny. I don't have to give him a reason for not serving him but I did, maybe thinking he would learn his lesson. But if he can't see the error of his ways it's a lost cause.

"I don't want him back. I don't need that behavior. It has been detected for about a year [since the smoking ban], but it might have been going on for a lot longer than that.

"If we have to apologize to other customers for him, then that's too much."

Dick_Lugar

Trad climber

Indiana

Oct 8, 2007 - 01:55pm PT

That's why I always pack an extra bottle of "Beano" tablets or lactose intolerant tabs (not really, but if I had a hang-up with flatulence, I suppose I would)

Willoughby

Social climber

Truckee, CA

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:07am PT

Dingus, that was hikarious but it sounds like you may have a medical condition.

Jon Beck

Trad climber

Oceanside

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:21am PT

Seven years and it hasn't slowed him down, must have made him stronger, or made everyone else weaker.

Norwegian

Trad climber

dancin on the tip of god's middle finger

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:36am PT

dingus i totally got you one up
any ol' spanker can make 'is climbing mates puke,
but only a true master of flatulence can
make his pregnant wife puke in
a 40 mile an hour cross wind
on the golden gate bridge.

i paid hell for that,
i didn't mean for her to smell it.
she was all touchy in her gestating condition
and i thought i was safe in the
gale with car exhausts 2' away.

i shite you not i 'burped' one out
and it went straight to her
closest nostril and she leaned over
the railing and let thai food
free, only it didn't fall it flew
up and about and all over her
and a few Asian tourists to boot,
though miraculously none got on me.

despite your bowel inferiority,
i greatly enjoyed your story.

Charlie D.

Trad climber

Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra

Oct 14, 2014 - 03:24pm PT

Thanks Dingus!!! LMFAO here in the office, climbers are funny....I rest my case.

hobo_dan

Social climber

Minnesota

Oct 14, 2014 - 03:56pm PT

Farting--it's such sweet sorrow

E. Abbey

Barbarian

climber

Oct 14, 2014 - 04:11pm PT

If I recall, there was a story about Ament and Kor in the Black Canyon. I don't think it resulted in a bail, however, it did cause Kor to lead pitches with a certain "sense of purpose" (as if he wasn't racing up them already!).

Pat - You want to weigh in on this one?

whoops

climber

paradise, ca

Oct 14, 2014 - 08:08pm PT

LMAO over DMT's story. Read it again and laughed twice as hard. Then I got to this........

"The worthless child in the front row, who never so much as breathed the entire year, comes to life and shouts "he farted!"
The mob scene from frankenstein was calm compared to my students as they ran out of my room grabbing anyone and shaking them saying "Mr. hobo farted"

I was still trying to recover from DMT saw this and lost it. I was laughing, constricting my stomach muscles which caused me to fart, which sent me into gales of laughter, which caused my stomach muscles to constrict and you guessed it....more farting. Man I haven't laughed this hard in years. Felt really good. Thx guys.

Each to their own but if you can't laugh at a good fart or fart story you ain't been raised properly.

Brad