Notes from a Yosemite Hardman

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Messages 1 - 22 of total 22 in this topic
James

climber
A tent in the redwoods
Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 9, 2007 - 12:08pm PT
I'm not sure if you know this but I'm kinda big deal around here. Yosemite is more than a dot on Rand McNally’s map, it’s not just another microcosm of the climbing universe, and I’m more than a regular climber. Yosemite is the place and I am the man.

Every morning I wake in the Valley and run five miles down canyon to the real crags. I climb all twelve of my fixed lines at the Cookie, bust out two thirty sets of fingertip push-ups, and then dive in the Merced and swim upstream to Camp 4. Some say I’m training for the ultimate training day but they’re just jealous because by 9 a.m. I’m back brewing my soy-chai protein infused latte ready to start a day of real climbing.

When I climb, I climb the “est”, the steepest, hardest, slabbiest, scariest routes around. Five feet right of Grant’s Crack and three feet left of Oak Flake is my proud new ultra-mega classic first ascent, a super dicey top-rope. It’s named The Falls Trail because I hiked it. The North Face’s athletic coordinator will be making me athlete of the month and my other sponsors will be thrilled.

Not entirely sure what I should crush today. I may head to Jailhouse and sport climb, a little multi-pitch bouldering will fluff out my 8a scorecard. My international climbing ranking will jump from 1538th to a solid 1537th. I might take it easy, boulder around Camp 4, and tick that problem on Columbia Boulder.

My first time on Midnight Lightning, the world’s most famous boulder problem in the world’s most famous campground, in the world’s most famous climbing destination, was in July during the ranger's Sunday morning coffee session. By my 38th try I was at the move before the move to the lightning bolt. Everyone was watching me, as they should be. They shook their heads. They must have been amazed by my chiseled physique and unbelievable talent. Even though Midnight Lightning is hard (V9), it’ll be easy for me. I've been bouldering double digits since I started (I count V as a digit). With my rippled six pack and enormous guns, I’ve got the postage; I just need to send it. If I don’t get it today I’ll eat broccoli for three days, drink Diet Coke for two, and not change my underwear for a week; that’ll make me send. If the pebble wrestling doesn’t go too well, I’ll sort my brand new wall rack in the parking lot in front of everyone.

El Capitan is my second home. I climb up to 5.14 on El Cap; I climb up to it and aid through it. When I’m not busy freeing old aid lines, I send hard wall nail-ups. The monkeys send El Cap super duper fast, no more six month siege feasts of working routes into submission. Alex and Thomas Huber, maybe you’ve heard of them they’re famous, they sped up the Nose in under Three Hours. I’m just like them. The license plate on my Toyota Tacoma reads NO BIVY. Last week I made a 138 hour continuous ascent of the East Buttress. Next week I’m going to shave my time down to sub-five days.

I may have to leave the ditch and go get strong somewhere else. I'm not just a Valley rat. When summertime rolls around Joshua Tree is prime, 112 degrees in the shade. My best climbs have been in the desert heat. I almost free soloed- that means no rope- North Overhang. I was cranking the fourth class top out a hundred feet off the deck; it was no mistake or flat pancake. I got the batter. I cratered hard but after I walked off my broken back, I fired it. Joshua Tree has more than 100’ boulder problems. I went to an overhanging slab route called Thin Red Line and managed to onsight it, second try with two falls and one point of aid. The technical moves were difficult. The protection was sparse at best, think hard moves twenty six inches out from ½” expansion bolts, still I campused the 70 degree crux. Who needs feet on slabs? Technique is for the weak.

The water for my soy-chai protein infused latte is done boiling in my brand new North Face Gore-tex high octane gasoline stove. I’m gonna enjoy climbing here in the center of the Universe because climbing in Yosemite means the world revolves around me. Don’t worry; it won’t go to my head. I’ll still be California’s humblest man. So enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?

Wild Bill

climber
Ca
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:12pm PT
Do you have a sister, is what I'm thinking?

You ARE the humblest around, no question.
johnboy

Trad climber
Can't get here from there
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:25pm PT
^^^
That is his sister.
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:39pm PT
El Capitan is my second home. I climb up to 5.14 on El Cap; I climb up to it and aid through it.

Now THAT'S funny! Mind if I steal that line?
Crimpergirl

Social climber
Hell on earth wondering what I did to deserve it
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:48pm PT
Niiiice. :)
pc

climber
East of Seattle
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:49pm PT
I think you've been roasting too many banana slugs up in the redwoods man. Entertaining for us but are you okay? ;)

pc
Kartch

climber
belgrade, mt
Apr 9, 2007 - 12:55pm PT
Nice. I look forward to a book about your humble excursions.
Chapstick

Trad climber
Truckee,Ca.
Apr 9, 2007 - 01:01pm PT
Nice one James. Right on the board in C4! -Jereme
G_Gnome

Boulder climber
Sick Midget Land
Apr 9, 2007 - 01:05pm PT
"I got the batter."

Too funny James! You are with out a doubt the raddest of the rad in the valley. Don't take any crap from those Huber boys, you are quite obviously better than them!
WBraun

climber
Apr 9, 2007 - 01:06pm PT
Hahahaha yeah

Can't wait to read the "Yosemite Softman" version.
Roger Breedlove

climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Apr 9, 2007 - 01:53pm PT
Nice, James. Funny too.
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Apr 9, 2007 - 02:10pm PT
Sort of interesting to see that your mishap on North Overhang hasn't dented your... shall we say, prowess for stating your abilities, for better lack of saying it. ;-) Heh heh.
the Fet

Knackered climber
A bivy sack in the secret campground
Apr 9, 2007 - 03:50pm PT
another good one.
TwistedCrank

climber
Hell
Apr 9, 2007 - 05:15pm PT
mansiere candidate
bonin_in_the_boneyard

Trad climber
Up the 'Creek w/out a Prada
Apr 9, 2007 - 05:19pm PT
Dork posted that at Rockclimbing.com, too.

Yes, I lurked there today. What of it?


Edit: I posted first and read second. Isn't "No Bivis" Hans's plate?
couchmaster

climber
Apr 9, 2007 - 05:37pm PT
Yea, but can you belay 5.13D?
caughtinside

Social climber
Davis, CA
Apr 9, 2007 - 09:23pm PT
Yes, I too was pleased to see the Notes posted on the board in C4. Well done James, you also have the spray-est covered.

Climb on, hardman!
reddirt

climber
Apr 9, 2007 - 10:58pm PT
nice moobies!
L

climber
The Rebel L Gang
Apr 9, 2007 - 11:34pm PT
James--You are one hard-cranking, rad-looking dood! Now tell us about those red arms...
scooter

climber
B loop site 15
Apr 10, 2007 - 01:45am PT
moobies, i like that term. ha
PhilG

Trad climber
The Circuit, Tonasket WA
Apr 10, 2007 - 10:25am PT
Alright! Finally I have a new hero!!
Wild Bill

climber
Ca
Apr 10, 2007 - 10:29am PT
I just realized there is a shred of truth in James' bio above.

Glad you're cranking SUPER HARD again, and didn't get the sense knocked out of you. But lay off the Diet Coke, that sh*t will kill you. Have you thought about taking up smoking?

Bill
Messages 1 - 22 of total 22 in this topic
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