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Roadie
Trad climber
Bishop, Ca
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Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 30, 2018 - 03:07pm PT
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PRELUDE
Reviewing jails has never been high on my list of things to do. It's never even risen to the status of casual hobby. But, for better or worse, a lifetime of nonconformity combined with the twin ailments of doing what I think is right and saying what I really think have afforded me the opportunity to speak with a modest amount of authority on the subject.
My trip to the Yosemite jail began on the east side. I was bivied in the bristle cones gazing at the myriad stars. My girlfriends blue-black hair was fanned across my chest. "Wow Nori, I said. "Just think. When this tree was a sapling our ancestors were living in caves and gnawing in half baked leg of mastodon."
She turned her head, her skin shown copper under the sliver of moon, "Speak for yourself bub. Mine were building a dynasty and developing an alphabet."
That was Nori, lovely, smart and culturally elite. God I miss that.
The following morning we picked up some bubba trash, spent shell casings, blasted beer cans, etc. you know the type. They were soon to prove my undoing. And then it was time for Nori to quit playing doctor with me and resume her residency playing doctor with real doctors and real patients.
THE VALLEY
After pulling into the lodge parking lot I did a quick inventory of my finances. Ten, twenty, thirty. I recounted with no better results. I weighed my options. Stealing was one, as was starvation. And then there was being a grownup and going back to my job. All seemed bleak. In the end I chose option three and went to the bank of pay phones in the back of the lodge. Yes, there really was a time before cell phones and computers ruled our lives. It was primitive back then but in many ways we were all much better for it.
My job back then was doing rigging and stage lighting for musical acts and assorted theatrical misadventures. Its really much less glamorous than I'm making it sound.
Maynard answered on the second ring. "Let me guess, you're in Yosemite, broke and desperately need work. And you want me to advance you money. Does that sum it up?"
He had gotten caller 'ID the year before and was still quite proud of it.
"You're incredibly astute Maynard." We've been through this dance many times before. A little background on Maynard here. He looks a lot like Satan. If Satan were fat and had bad teeth. On the flipside he is competent (mostly), honest (sort of) and conniving (unfailingly).
"Elvis is going on tour."
"Maynard, Elvis is dead. Has been for years. I hate to break it to you."
"NO!" he was also a huge Elvis fan. "No really its Elvis's band playing in front of a giant video screen of The King."
"That sounds just awful. What else.?"
"Pat Robinson, Return to Faith Tour."
"The televangelist! Forget it. Dig deeper man. Disney on Ice? a puppet show maybe?"
"Hang on"
Years ago, while drunkenly stumbling through the streets of the East Village Maynard tearfully confessed to me that I was the best rigger he'd ever seen. I have never let him forget it. "Come on Maynard, I'm your best guy."
"Oh, wait. Fax coming..." he does an utterly unconvincing imitation of a fax machine, making clacking and beeping noises with his mouth. "Ok, The Stones start rehearsals for their North American tour in Miami a week from Sunday. Will that work for you princess?"
"See Maynard, it really wasn't that hard was it. Wire me some money and a plane ticket..."
Back in the parking lot, peering through the open windows of my unlocked truck, was a neckless troglodyte known to Valley locals, without any irony or affection, I might add, as Officer Lubeless. Officer Lubeless was one of those sad, angry men who, after four promising years on his high school football team, and a few concussions, couldn't quite cut it on the collegiate gridiron. A few more concussions and falling grades and some mastermind at the NPS decided it would be a good idea to give him a badge and a gun. He went on to make a career of using the Fourth Amendment as his own personal toilet paper.
Unable or unwilling to distinguish between public service (the spent shell casings and blasted beer cans etc.) and probable cause he decided I must be packing and tore through my worthless crap. Spreading it over an impressively large area while screaming about guns in the park.
Frustrated by my obvious compliance with the law he stomped off to his car (patrol unit) and screeched off. As I collected my crap I warily eyed the thunderheads building over Half Dome. A large storm was forecast, which, for me, translated into a large headache as the cave I was living in then was worthless in anything more than I light drizzle.
As the storm grew Officer Lubeless screeched back into the lot, lights flashing, which I thought odd since he and I were the only ones around. "Hands up!" he roared, leveling his gun.
"Um, ok." Apparently I had gotten a ticket some years prior for failing to stop and promptly blown it off. I have no recollection of such events but it does sound like something I'd do so I won't deny it.
"You can pay a $75 cash bond NOW or GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL!"
The storm was raging now, the wind tore at my wet shirt, "Ok"
"Ok what?".
"Ok, lets go to the jail."
JAIL
Day-Glo orange has never been my best color. Something about all that vibrancy just leaves me feeling washed out. On the bright side it was clean. I'd been given a shower, hot. Which I sorely needed. A toothbrush, free. Cool. And I had been deloused. Nori, being a physician, I'm sure would have told me had such treatment been necessary but whatever, also free. So far this place seemed pretty swank.
"Do you want Mexican or Chinese?" the bored jailer, who I will refrain from naming for reasons which will become obvious, asked. A warm breeze wafted from a wall duct. this place had heat! I wondered if I had stumbled through the looking glass and thought further clarification might be in order.
"Do you mean women or food? No wait, either way can I have both?"
Anonymous Jailer chuckled, "Sorry, just food. But sure you can have both."
Wow! Total score!
Only one other inmate crowded the cell as I awaited my feast. I'd seen him around but we'd never really talked. Tim, that was it, he was Tim.
"Yo Roadie."
"Yo Tim. What did you do?"
Readers of my past reports may recall that I usually try to include some bit of knowledge or insight I have gained over the years. We have now arrived at that juncture. If ever you find yourself in a real jail, under normal circumstance this is NOT considered an appropriate ice breaker or conversation starter. In fact it will likely get you beat up. Or shived. This being the Yosemite jail, however, and given the fact that I knew this guy, sort of...
"I got off El Cap and fell asleep in the parking lot."
Further interrogation revealed that Tim had 'fallen asleep' surrounded by a dozen empty beer cans and a half drained bottle of Jack. I pointed out that 'some' may call this 'passing out' but Tim saw no point of such fine distinctions. Anyhow, the guy was obviously still pretty hung over and my feast had arrived so I let it rest.
We awoke late the next morning to the smell of coffee, garnished with eggs, hash browns, bacon and English muffins. Life just kept getting better.
Outside the storm continued. Tim and I would take turns looking out our window and occasionally glimpse one of our poor, sodden, forlorn dirtbag friends who'd lacked the forethought or planning to get himself arrested and think 'suckers!'
By mid afternoon we'd enticed Anonymous Jailer into a friendly game of cards. He was, it turned out, not only a chain smoker but a chronic gambler. Cigarettes being the traditional medium of jailhouse exchange, we played for cigarettes.
We cheated shamelessly. At some point lightning hit a sub station and power to Yosemite Village went out. Things went dark and the reassuring waft of heat stopped. "Ah Christ!" our jailer said. "I'll be right back after I turn the generator on. Don't mess with my cards!"
"Do we look like the kinda guys who would cheat!" Tim barked back. The orange jumpsuits and yellow bars didn't do a lot to bolster his argument but he did sound sincere. Hurt even. We used the opportunity to fish the aces out of the deck.
An hour later Tim and I owned all the cigarettes in the building. "Hey guys, can I bum a smoke?" the jailer asked. And so the scales of power tipped and the real game began.
"What do you have to trade? I asked.
"Let us go and you can have half," Tim added.
"Are you nuts!" I shot back looking outside. "I'm not leaving till the sun comes out."
"Awe, come on guys, I'll give you double dinners again."
"We want pizza," I said. "from the Pizza Deck. Not some skanky jail pizza."
"And a twelve pack," Tim said. "Of Guinness."
"You can't have beer in jail. Besides I can't just leave you, even it they do have power over there..."
It was Sunday, which meant my buddy Special Ed was working at the Pizza Deck. "give me a phone." I said.
"So Special, when'r'ya off? ok I need a large supreme, and a twelve pack, hang on. You want anything?" I asked the jailer.
"I want my cigarettes." He snarled.
"Tim, give him one. Ok Ed, yes, the jail. We'll pay you when you get here. Yes I promise..."
Special Ed arrived an hour later with our pizza and beer. He looked around appreciatively, "Wow, nice digs. This is way cozier than my tent cabin. Mind if I hang for a while..."
And so it went, the four of us ridding out the storm, eating pizza and tipping back beers in the splendor of the John Muir Hilton. We helped the jailer haul a tv out of the office and we all watched the Tigers trounce the Yankees.
The following morning, with a tentative sun peeking from behind wisps of cloud we went before the judge. Tim got to go first. He was held over on $100 bond. I was up. "You spent two nights in jail over a moving violation!" the judge said, incredulous.
I shrugged, as if to say 'only in America.'
"Case dismissed, you're free to go."
A short time later I went to the Western Union to pick up my ticket and the $500 Maynard had advanced me. But before returning to the jail to bail out Tim I made a quick stop at the gift shop to buy a thank you card for my friend and benefactor, Officer Lubeless.
EPILOG
And where are they now?
Nori is still in LA where she lives and works in the hood, running a free clinic she helped found in 2002, caring mostly for the children our nation has so foolishly turned its back on.
Maynard retired not long after these events took place. He worked tirelessly in the gay rights movement and sadly died of a heart attack shortly before the Supreme Court handed down its DOMA decision. I still miss his sharp wit and banter.
Officer Lubeless was eventually charged with excessive force after tackling a drunk tourist trying to escape. In a wheelchair. He was relieved of his gun and placed behind a desk where he slowly lost his mind.
Special Ed left the Valley and fell into a crevasse. On Wall Street. He worked as a day trader until the better angles of his nature hauled him out, as I knew they would. He now owns and operates an organic farm in Pennsylvania.
Tim and I met up in Moab the following spring and did some surprisingly good first ascents. I never did see my $100 but consider it money well spent.
And me? I'm still limping along. I gave up rigging and theatre not many years later. I did some writing and some guiding. Still later I started a tree service and ran it for fifteen years. I'm retired now (mostly) and only work at jobs I find interesting or rewarding.
My continuing nonconformity and habits of saying what I think and doing what I think is right occasionally rise the ire of the powers that be. Twice since then I have been given the opportunity to inspect other jails. Both times were for reasons I considered honorable, both times I was proud to be there.
And speaking of pride. While breathing new life into these old relationships it occurs to me that we had something then. Something that our young minds couldn't quite grasp. While broke, dirty and often hungry we shared a wealth and nobility that was beyond the ability of any trite, state backed currency to touch. The medium of exchange I'm referring to can only be expressed in terms of toil, courage, mutual aid and friendship. Things that have always terrified The Man. I think most of the lives I've touched upon in this story still carry a piece of that wealth and nobility within them. I am proud to call them my friends. I hope, as you make your way through this labyrinthine world, that you will be as fortunate.
Thank You. Steve Seats
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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Apr 30, 2018 - 03:25pm PT
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Great story! Good writing, and unbelievable, if true!
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divad
Trad climber
wmass
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Apr 30, 2018 - 03:31pm PT
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tfpu
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hobo_dan
Social climber
Minnesota
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Apr 30, 2018 - 04:00pm PT
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That was aces! Liked the last paragraph also.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 30, 2018 - 04:38pm PT
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"Back in the parking lot, peering through the open windows of my unlocked truck, was a neckless troglodyte known to Valley locals, without any irony or affection, I might add, as Officer Lubeless. Officer Lubeless was one of those sad, angry men who, after four promising years on his high school football team, and a few concussions, couldn't quite cut it on the collegiate gridiron. A few more concussions and falling grades and some mastermind at the NPS decided it would be a good idea to give him a badge and a gun. He went on to make a career of using the Fourth Amendment as his own personal toile paper"
One of the funniest paragraphs I have read.
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Gunks Guy
Trad climber
New Paltz, NY
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Apr 30, 2018 - 04:59pm PT
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A story well told. I enjoyed it to the very end. And it's not just because of the fond memories of my own night spent in Yosemite neon orange.
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Apr 30, 2018 - 05:11pm PT
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This deserved to be published somewhere for real..
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grover
climber
Castlegar BC
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Apr 30, 2018 - 05:20pm PT
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A most stoic tale, to say the least.
Thanks Steve
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L
climber
A place with cats...lots and lots of cats
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Apr 30, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
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Very enjoyable story, Roadie!
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ionlyski
Trad climber
Polebridge, Montana
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Apr 30, 2018 - 05:24pm PT
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Unbelievable! Where do you come up with some of those lines?
Arne
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Apr 30, 2018 - 06:05pm PT
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That is a truly great story.
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AP
Trad climber
Calgary
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Apr 30, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
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It should appear in many publications (not just climbing ones)
Now we expect regular contributions as that is a great story
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Charlie D.
Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
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Apr 30, 2018 - 07:14pm PT
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I can only hope Steve our paths cross, thanks for this piece on my last day of being paid for my time.
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zBrown
Ice climber
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Apr 30, 2018 - 07:33pm PT
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"After Grandma’s funeral me and Papa and Uncle Running-and-Jumping Wolf dug her up. Mama wouldn’t go with us; she never heard of such a thing. Hanging a corpse in a tree! It’s enough to make a person sick.
Uncle R & J Wolf and Papa spent twenty days in the drunk tank at The Dalles jail, playing rummy, for Violation of the Dead.
But she’s our goddanged mother!
It doesn’t make the slightest difference, boys. You shoulda left her buried. I don’t know when you blamed Indians will learn. Now, where is she? you’d better tell.
Ah go fuuck yourself, paleface, Uncle R & J said, rolling himself a cigarette. I’ll never tell."
High high high in the hills, high in a pine tree bed, she’s tracing the wind with that old hand, counting the clouds with that old chant: . . . three geese in a flock . . ."
-Groucho Marx
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couchmaster
climber
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Apr 30, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
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Very enjoyable read! If nothing else, it gets you into the John Long writing symposium as an instructor. Nice!
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Risk
Mountain climber
Marooned, 855 miles from Tuolumne Meadows
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Apr 30, 2018 - 10:01pm PT
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Sounds half fiction, half truth. Good read. Mid 1970's to mid 1980's era. Pitts was subjected to a lot, like the time someone got accused of pissing on the vegetables at the village store! I had a day in that courtroom, with both amusement and a $25 OB camping fine, following a visit from the US Marshals at my parent's front door in Fresno one day with a Federal summons. I wonder if I still have a "local" file?
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Flip Flop
climber
Earth Planet, Universe
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Apr 30, 2018 - 10:22pm PT
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Mic Dropped
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nah000
climber
now/here
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Apr 30, 2018 - 10:27pm PT
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fUck yeah... :)
thanks muchly...
and when the spirit moves?
i hope you keep em coming.
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onyourleft
climber
So Oregon
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Apr 30, 2018 - 10:33pm PT
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Wow, that's good.
Thank you.
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Bargainhunter
climber
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Man, the food you described in jail. If only the dirtbags knew!
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enjoimx
Trad climber
Yosemite
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Awesome writing!
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Ezra Ellis
Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
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Really great yarn,
Thank you.
Wonderful humor there
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perswig
climber
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better angles of his nature
Among many, a beautiful line.
TFPU indeed.
Dale
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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Back in 1974 or so I was working in the valley. My freind got drunk and ripped the door off our tent cabin, We took another off a vacant one and replaced it on ours. Several weeks later the rangers came looking for some dealers and guess what, we had their door #. When they knocked sure enough we were burning one. They took us to jail for the night.In the morning the jailer woke us up by running a cup along the bars(just like in the movies)After grilling us for awhile they called our boss and he said to let us out as we had to work the lunch shift. The LEOS said they did not care about pot smokers but they wanted us to rat out the people bringing in "Pounds of cocaine and heroin" We said yes and they let us out. And now 45 years later I still have not seen "Pounds of cocaine and heroin" but if I do I will give them a call...
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Great story....more to come one would hope!
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slidingmike
climber
CA
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Great story -- this is why the Taco is still worth visiting!
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Spider Savage
Mountain climber
The shaggy fringe of Los Angeles
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Good writing. Thank you for paragraphs.
Ready to purchase any published works you might be selling.
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Roughster
Sport climber
Vacaville, CA
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Thank you, I really enjoyed that. Great writing!
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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The rangers sent me to jail in SLC and while waiting for my bail they had me with about a dozen prisoners in "quarantine" where we could hear the guys in gen-pop around the corner.
They were watching a movie.
Lawrence of Arabia.
A film I know well.
Out of boredom I began predicting the dialogue that they were about to hear to my cellmates.
Then said cellmates started yelling the lines around the corner to annoy the other prisoners.
It worked.
Nearly started a prison riot, and the COs couldn't figure out what was going on.
(good thing I made bail)
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Rockin' Gal
Trad climber
Boulder
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Excellent! Right up there with the Fish classic "Like New, Lo Miles," one of the best stories we published when I was at R&I.
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deuce4
climber
Hobart, Australia
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Brilliant! Sums up the attitude toward climbers back then.
Dirty Mini was also around that time. What were some of the other ranger names? Russel?
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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What a treat. A fantastic little read between patients here at work today. Thanks for the share. Loved every moment of it.
Scott
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Very nice! Somehow I wanna never visited the John Muir hotel...
got chased off the crags by rain today. Taking a bath and waiting for Godough instead. Feel free to post another! Anytime!
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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That's 5 minutes of my life I don't mind giving up...TFPU
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
Nothing creative to say
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Why’d you leave? Fool!
Just messin. Great read.
Neckless = feckless, yes?
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Inner City
Trad climber
Portland, OR
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The taco delivers again. A wonderful and well-told tale.
Thanks
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WyoRockMan
climber
Grizzlyville, WY
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Thanks for that tale. I needed a smile and you delivered.
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the Fet
climber
Tu-Tok-A-Nu-La
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Great stuff!
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hacky47
Trad climber
goldhill
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awesome
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two-shoes
Trad climber
Auberry, CA
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Highly enjoyable read Steve!
I remember running into you at least once or twice, it was always a pleasure, too.
I can still remember your old Hanwags, one of the finest kletterschuhes ever made.
The best of luck to you pal!
Barry
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skywalker1
Trad climber
co
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Thanks man!!! It made me reflect on my 7hrs served at the DMV today. I accomplished nothing but short term friendships with folks that all live on the equal plane that is the DMV.
Cheers!
S...
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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I started reading, the laughs kept coming, and I couldn't stop until the end. Wow was that enjoyable!
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Bad Climber
Trad climber
The Lawless Border Regions
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So, so good! Thanks for writing this up. Serious SuperTaco gold right there. Keep this puppy bumped. Everyone should read it.
That cop---oy. I've heard from some cop discussion panels that they believe about 25% should in no way be on the force. You got one of the bad ones. Jeez, drawing his gun on a traffic violation? What a jackass.
BAd
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phylp
Trad climber
Upland, CA
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Wow. That was beautifully written. Thanks so much.
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tradryan
Big Wall climber
San Diego
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Amazing story! Love the writing TFPU.
I've been booked a couple of times. My jail experience is nothing like the Yos fairyland you describe. One lapse of judgement and you can end up in hell, feels a bit like slipping while soloing.
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Tom Patterson
Trad climber
Seattle
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Fantastic story, Roadie! Loved every sentence.
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Squirrel Murphy
Trad climber
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Thanx Roadie.
You also have in your travels mastered the art of storytelling. Again, let me know where you like your coffee, I'll make an impromptu stop in there one day to visit.
Take care man
p.s I like the way you finish your stories. It looks at the bigger picture that sometimes people miss in life. And someone made a comment "if this was true". If you've ever met Roadie, spent any time with him, he doesn't make sh#t up, doesn't have time for B.S.
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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Still think the card to Lobo was a bit much.
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AP
Trad climber
Calgary
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How many well known climbers have spent a night in the Yos jail?
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Sam E
Boulder climber
Malibu
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Bravo! excellent writing!
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Classic! Thanks!
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Check your texts...
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rookers
Trad climber
Boulder, CO
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Not exactly my experience in my night at the valley hotel, but my overnight in jail resulted in my first FA, Sultans of Sling. Thanks to JP Masicotte and Norman Boles for going my bail.
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Steve Grossman
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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Steve- What a great story, man. Made my evening... Supreme Delivery and all.
Either side of the bars, we all have needs and angles on fulfilling them...
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there, say roadie... oh my.... :O :)
very nice share... though, not so nice that you had to end up in jail...
nice that you turned it around, into a nifty report, here, though...
:)
neat writing, :)
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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Topic Author's Reply - May 4, 2018 - 02:18pm PT
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Well, I'm glad everyone liked this one so much. I wasn't sure when I was writing it but I did catch myself laughing once or twice which is usually a good sign.
Anyhow, to answer a few questions: Yeah, all of this really happened, more or less. Life is weird and takes some odd and surprising turns if you let it.
Someone asked the name of the judge, I am sorry but I can't recall.
Anonymous Jailer, why didn't include him in the epilog? The answer is, I don't really know how things turned out for him. While watching the Tigers/Yankees game we did discover we shared deep Motor City roots. I like to think he spends summer afternoons watching the Tigers, in the bleachers. With a beer in one hand and a glove on the other. And maybe a grand kid or two at his side.
Special Ed makes another cameo in Beggars Buttress tr on this site. I would encourage those who haven't read it to check it out. It might actually be the funniest thing I ever wrote, maybe.
Last night I was thinking about Maynard and how we met, which coincidentally, or maybe not, was in jail. It is a story worth telling, especially in these tumultuous times. Give me a few days to figure out the best was to tell it....
Again thanks, Steve Seats...
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HeschMonster
Trad climber
Morro Bay
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Steve, as another said so well, five minutes of my life that I'll happily never get back- thanks for making my occasional visit here worthwhile.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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I always thought that the Yosemite jail was a place that I would end up.
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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Topic Author's Reply - May 18, 2018 - 06:30pm PT
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Yes, I think it was Pitts. Thanks for hitting the refresh button for me....
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Scrubber
climber
Straight outta Squampton
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May 19, 2018 - 11:03am PT
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Thanks for that thoroughly enjoyable slice of wordsmithing.
K
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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May 19, 2018 - 04:44pm PT
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10/10, tale and delivery, dialogue brought me right in. Would read more of that happily!
I spent 8 hrs in the holding cell at the Calabasas police station once. Wasn't awful. Got to head home and do my chores and homework when my mom came to pick me up, lol, age 13.
Cops plucked me from a game of pickup basketball at the park, cuffs and all, an effort to scare straight a kid with weed. Didn't have the intended effect but did give me a decent story at school the next day.
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Fossil climber
Trad climber
Atlin, B. C.
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May 20, 2018 - 03:19pm PT
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Again, great story!
I can add a bit about the Yosemite jail history. When I came on as a ranger in '59, there were two damp musty cells which almost never got used. On the rare occasion that someone was to be locked up, we had to dig through the files to find the procedure. That was a different age. You could leave your gear in Camp 4 for days without losing any. Worst problems were fights between campers.
One of the cells was used to store the beer confiscated from wild, underaged campground partiers. Rumor has it that the rangers had a helluva party at the end of the season. I hesitate to confirm that. But it got destroyed, one way or another.
(Up in Olympic I confiscated a keg from an underaged party and was told to dump it in the lake. I did, but it left scars on my soul.)
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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Topic Author's Reply - May 31, 2019 - 02:14pm PT
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bump and good by....
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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May 31, 2019 - 02:21pm PT
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hey there, say, roadie... oh my... good bye--as to your needing a reply...
but, say, we hope to see you on other forums?
thanks for the bump... :)
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