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yo
climber
The Eye of the Snail
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Topic Author's Original Post - Nov 30, 2006 - 02:57pm PT
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The desert wants to chomp on you. It’s evil like that. I mean actually evil. Possessed. Not just sitting there to get its picture taken and look pretty at sunset and make couples kiss and old people feel like they ain’t quite dead yet. In fact, the desert does look pretty at sunset, that’s how evil it is—makes you say to yourself, you know what, maybe I’ll step out of the car here for a bit and get a little more personal with this here desert. Such a sweet little pretty thing. And she beckons you in. So you saunter on in and yeah, admittedly there’s a few nasty looking plants and maybe some poisonous critters like scorpions that sleep in your boots and Australian wombats with enough venom to kill 187 men. But you’ll allow that because this desert mama is so hot. And she is, except when she’s dead cold. Then hot again. And at last she plops you on her couch and sits in your lap and up close you realize this gal’s been in prison and has three kids with three fathers and not only that but on one butt cheek she’s got a tattoo of the Streaked Wall.
Maybe evil’s not the word. Streaked Wall’s scary and all but it’s probably not criminal. Let’s call it odd. Just weird, if you think about it. Crapping in tubes and hanging off little carabinkles and clampons. Hooting like monkeys and yipping like coyotes and flying pirate flags as if you're ten years old. Getting to the end of each pitch and screaming, "Fuсk you, John Middendorf!" for entirely unclear reasons. Spending four climbing days and four more humping days to move up a piece of rock that doesn’t really have a summit. It just goes and then it stops, so you stop and come back down. If that’s not the stupidest thing ever.
Honestly, odd’s not doing it for me either. What I’d like to call this wall is alien. I have a thing for aliens. I saw a UFO when I was eight and just last summer I was grievously maimed in an intergalactic laser duel out by Rachel, Nev. But that Streaked Wall, kids, is from Mars. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Topping out was like landing on the moon. And lying there looking at the crazy stars before the clouds came in, I’ll admit it, I was thinking about aliens again. I lay there looking at all the stars I could see and thinking about all the jillions I couldn’t see and imagining all the planets that went along with those stars and I wondered if maybe, out of all those numberless planets with their numberless big walls, there was a wall like this and on top of that wall there was a guy like me lying on his alien foam pad, and I wondered if he felt what I felt.
You know what, let’s not be shy here. What’s really going through my mind after the Streaked Wall is a wonderment of what it all means. Not climbing, either. I’m talking about It. Yes, children, the secret of life. What we’re all doing here. Why couples kiss and why the desert looks like that at sunset. This is an Inturweb TR, let’s take it to the max. I discovered the meaning of our existence after the Streaked Wall and, like Billy Crystal said, it is one thing. Small enough to hold in your hand.
(Thanks to Matt for leading all the hard pitches. Thanks to the FA team even though I can't remember who you are. Thanks and apologies to Mr. John Middendorf and Jessica Alba. Thanks to Mr. Ammon McNeely who responded to a beta request with an email that read "...you'll want to bring a lot of beaks...I wish I could go up on that wall again for the first time...SEND IT DUDE!" Thanks to my producer and every one who believed in me and my photo editor. Oh wait, nobody edited anything--we used every photo we took.)
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Melissa
Gym climber
berkeley, ca
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:03pm PT
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Gorgeous! And I'm calling them carabinkles from now on.
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Ouch!
climber
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:04pm PT
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Bold. And really great pictures.
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caughtinside
Social climber
Davis, CA
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:05pm PT
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hartouni told me to post in this thread.
Rad!
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, Ca.
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:11pm PT
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Wow! Nice pics. Looks like you guys had some fun. I like that burger too. That baby probably went down good after eating noodles for days.
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426
Sport climber
Buzzard Point, TN
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:12pm PT
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Rock on yo(s)..
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handsome B
Gym climber
SL,UT
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:24pm PT
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Jeebus H. Crisco that wall is incredible. You may be getting a beta request e-mail from me soon enough.
Great Pics!
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imnotclever
climber
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:28pm PT
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Awesome. Great TR.
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Euroford
Trad climber
chicago
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:44pm PT
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super cool man, damn that wall is steap!
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spyork
Social climber
Land of Green Stretchy People
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:45pm PT
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Wow nice TR. Shots of the beak (err, if thats what they are)placements made me a bit skeered though!
I used to live in the upper Mojave desert. Evil, I know.
Steve
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crotch
climber
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:51pm PT
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Outstanding!
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ec
climber
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Nov 30, 2006 - 03:52pm PT
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Beautiful!!
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Josh Higgins
Trad climber
San Diego
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:03pm PT
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I like to think that I'll be able to aid climb that well in the next decade or two. Nice send and great trip report!
Josh
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bringmedeath
climber
la la land
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:27pm PT
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Nice, matt wanted to get on that wall since the first time I met him. Looks rad!
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Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:36pm PT
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holy shizzle man! nice send... beautiful pix too.
I scream at the FA team all the time, I hope they understand... when I'm on the FA, I just scream at myself...
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Chaz
Trad climber
So. Cal.
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:39pm PT
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Bitchen' Photos!
Thanks for posting THIS!
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feelio Babar
Trad climber
Sneaking up behind you...
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:40pm PT
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Rope-a-dope! How many peckers on the rack? Were the new bigger ones usefuls for scars? word!
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funkness
climber
Ca.
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:51pm PT
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Sweeeet!
Very nice TR, Thanks for post it Yo!
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Nov 30, 2006 - 04:55pm PT
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Great TR particularly awesome pictures
Looks like an amazing line, and looks hard too.
Wonder how that sandstone will hold up with time. Any idea how the roue will stand up to repeated ascents
Thanks!
PEace
karl
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ZAllen
Social climber
the dirty south
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Nov 30, 2006 - 07:23pm PT
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Way to stoke it!
Awesome TR, thanks yo!
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Chiloe
Trad climber
Lee, NH
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Nov 30, 2006 - 07:30pm PT
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Fantastic climb, pictures, TR. Brightened up my evening just to see that.
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Jaybro
Social climber
The West
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Nov 30, 2006 - 07:35pm PT
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Nice stuff, thanks! I've wanted to climb that one since before it was a route, I think.
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Zander
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Nov 30, 2006 - 07:46pm PT
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Wow...I mean, Whoa!
Thanks
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Kartch
climber
belgrade, mt
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Nov 30, 2006 - 07:48pm PT
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So how would one bail from that. Just kidding that TR was worth the wait. BTW good luck on the high speed interweb job search. Tell Matt that fat skis and pinning are both gay!
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BrentA
Gym climber
Las Vizzle, on the rizzle
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Nov 30, 2006 - 08:49pm PT
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Booyakashaw!
Cheers
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Standing Strong
Boulder climber
in a phonebooth @ the corner of walk & don't walk
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Nov 30, 2006 - 08:51pm PT
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yo is awesome.
thanks for the pix, esp the sunset, since that light brings out such pretty colors in the stone :)
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Oakville, Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Nov 30, 2006 - 09:09pm PT
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Great colours!
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fareastclimber
Big Wall climber
Hong Kong & Wales
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Nov 30, 2006 - 09:12pm PT
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Right. This must be the most BEAUTIFUL photo TR I have seen in a long time. Seriously outstanding. I actually sat there jizzing in my pants the whole time. Also I think the fact I've had some to smoke may have something to do with it. BRAVO!
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N0_ONE
Social climber
Utah
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Nov 30, 2006 - 09:30pm PT
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Nice!!!
I love looking up at that wall! I have a line on the Sentinal and every time I'm over there the Streaked wall draws more of my gaze than the route i'm working on. Good Job!!
The Desert reminds me of a woman. Yeah she pretty, even hot, when you just stand back and look, but if your man enough, and she lets you "get up in her" that's where the real beauty is! But therein lies the danger. Once your in her she's got you by the balls!!
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artmusicsouth
climber
VA
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Nov 30, 2006 - 10:08pm PT
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That absolutely ROCKS!!!!
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
one pass away from the big ditch
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Nov 30, 2006 - 11:30pm PT
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to say 'sik' is an understatement.
radsik
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paganmonkeyboy
Trad climber
the blighted lands of hatu
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whoa...so nice...
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s. o.
Trad climber
academia
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Yo, I was looking at the pics and I wondered if you ever hit the beaks when you placed them, or do yo always just hit the rock. It's a good thing that tales is finally over with so you can start wanking off to something else, what has it been, a year since you started?
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Landgolier
climber
the flatness
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Amazing, sometimes the story is told so well when not every pic is navigated.
I used to think if I continue on this road of sin I would burn in the lake of fire, now I realize I will just come back as a beak headed up that wall. Y'all did some nasty things to those little suckers!
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Hangerlessbolt
Trad climber
Portland, OR
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I'm leaving spot in my chonies...(front or the back?)...both
Awesome
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noshoesnoshirt
climber
hither and yon
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Wow. Thanks Yo.
I've dreamed of getting on that sucker since the first time I hit Zion (ledgeless).
Time to suck it up I reckon.
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deuce4
Big Wall climber
the Southwest
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what the...??
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chh
Trad climber
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Great pictures! The desert colors really brightened up my dingy early winter day. Thanks for that, it was needed.
Stacked beaks! Yay!
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Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
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Hey Ryan, great trip report. And, I cannot even see the pictures from my work, work station--must be good to be blocked. I'll have to wait until tonight to see the pictures.
As always you write the best of any of us.
Roger
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coloradohigh
Trad climber
milliken, co
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unreal! the desert certainly has an "out of this world" feel to it. top 10 TR of all time. keep sending, keep inspiring.
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bringmedeath
climber
la la land
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If I am John... I'm thinking... WTF!?!?!?!
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deuce4
Big Wall climber
the Southwest
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again I say, what the...???
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yo
climber
The Eye of the Snail
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 1, 2006 - 01:17pm PT
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haha there appear to be some questions, let's see here:
How many peckers on the rack? Numerous
Were the new bigger ones usefuls for scars? YESYESYESYESYES
Wonder how that sandstone will hold up with time. Not very well.
Buzz writes: As always you write the best of any of us. Buzz is writing comedy now.
bringmemystolenrackback writes: If I am John... I'm thinking... WTF!?!?!?! haha probably
Deuce writes: again I say, what the...??? Ha! Sorry, no offense intended. Just we happened to be up there and wanted bad to cuss out the FAists but couldn't remember their names so yours just sort of slipped out and then, unfortunately for you I guess, it became our rallying cry to the summit. Seemed pretty funny to us, and it does go in the "weird" paragraph. Nothing but the utmost respect for you and your routes, John.
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Trashman
Trad climber
SLC
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i assumed the JM line was a reference to the kim chi piece in alpinist a while back.
"god damn Middendorf, stupid long armed, lurpy m@therf@acker . . grumble, grumble"
always loved the "Zion climber's prayer" still think of it everytime i'm down there.
great pics yo, can't wait to get back down there.
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the Fet
Knackered climber
A bivy sack in the secret campground
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Bitchin'
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deuce4
Big Wall climber
the Southwest
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So Trashman, how does the Zion Climber's Prayer go? Do tell!
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Ammon
Big Wall climber
El Cap
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VERY Nice TR!! Nice send fellas.
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clustiere
Trad climber
Durango, CO
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Jan 14, 2007 - 01:31am PT
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Yo, you seriously did the streaked wall, WTF where was I last winter. You are my new hero.!!!
Oh the f*#k , like Im gonna ask for a rack fer that.
SIIICCCCKKKOOOOOO
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More Air
Big Wall climber
S.L.C.
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Jan 14, 2007 - 05:36pm PT
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Ryan:
Thanks! How were the bolt/hole ladders near the top?
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T2
climber
Cardiff by the sea
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Jan 14, 2007 - 09:38pm PT
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What a great adventure. I can't believe I missed this TR when it came out back in Nov. You guys are RAD !! Nice send
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Batrock
Trad climber
Burbank
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Jan 14, 2007 - 09:53pm PT
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Man that sandwich looks good!!
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kent
Trad climber
SLC, Ut
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May 25, 2010 - 02:44am PT
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awesome!!!!
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Barto
climber
Minneapolis, MN
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May 25, 2010 - 10:10am PT
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Great photos! Love the captions! I salute you guyz!
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Roxy
Trad climber
CA Central Coast
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May 25, 2010 - 10:25am PT
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YES!!!! great pics, loved the humor...just what i needed before a day of work!
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Euroford
Trad climber
Louisville, CO
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May 25, 2010 - 11:01am PT
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nice to see this get bumped! just as awesome the second time around.
i have future plans to be cussing out middendorf. sorry dude.
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Mike Bolte
Trad climber
Planet Earth
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May 25, 2010 - 11:37am PT
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super-ultra way cool TR. Fabulous photos and it looked like an incredible route
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Buju
Big Wall climber
the range of light
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May 25, 2010 - 01:07pm PT
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that is BAD ASS....i cant wait to get over there someday
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Lambone
Ice climber
Ashland, Or
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May 25, 2010 - 01:45pm PT
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WAY BAD ASS!
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brotherbbock
Trad climber
Alta Loma, CA
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May 25, 2010 - 01:45pm PT
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Awesome TR!
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Mason
Trad climber
Yay Area
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May 25, 2010 - 03:35pm PT
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Off da huk!!! Nice pics!
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tom woods
Gym climber
Bishop, CA
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May 25, 2010 - 03:53pm PT
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I missed it first time around.
That wall is beautiful. Thanks for the TR.
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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May 25, 2010 - 03:55pm PT
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oh the INSANITY!!!!
But I, for one, amd glad you made this trip with your camera...
thanks...
prud send guys!!!!
WOW!!!
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Dirka
Trad climber
SF
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May 25, 2010 - 05:31pm PT
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WOW! Beautiful TR.
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Mark Hudon
Trad climber
Hood River, OR
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May 25, 2010 - 06:47pm PT
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Beautiful looking wall. Great TR.
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nutjob
Trad climber
Berkeley, CA
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May 25, 2010 - 08:25pm PT
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Jeebus H Crisco is right! I was afraid to see a wind kick up and blow you little flies off that piece of glass!
The pictures are some of the most stunning climbing pictures I've ever seen. Way more than most, they capture the grandeur and awe, and the teetering fear of being way out there on way thin stuff. Add a cork to that rack to stop the sphincter dripping!
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MH2
climber
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May 25, 2010 - 11:38pm PT
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How nice to see that for no particular reason.
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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May 25, 2010 - 11:42pm PT
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Pure Gold sir.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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May 25, 2010 - 11:51pm PT
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From one of the old guys:
"Kick-ass trip report: Dudes!"
thank you!
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NFB
Mountain climber
Wilson, Wyoming
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Jun 12, 2010 - 08:37am PT
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Matt Meinzer called it "Zion's fiercest wall"
Classic!
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Crag Q
Trad climber
Louisville, Colorado
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Jun 12, 2010 - 10:09am PT
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Ha! What a great TR. I almost spit my coffee out laughing at your first paragraph!
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