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Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 14, 2015 - 08:15pm PT
Of course not a climbing topic but as the population grows older, dementia of any sort is an important issue.

I posted the following on the California drought thread but it is more approriate here. It was in reply to a post by Ghost.
Has anyone heard from Patrick Sawyer (who started this thread)? He's made just one post since February -- which is pretty unusual for him.

Hope he's okay.

On November 5, Jennie woke up. "I love you immensely Patrick." Got up and was in good form when the agency carer we would get from 10-11 M-F came to take her for a spin.

I went into my office at home to finish an article for a former editor. Did not notice they did not return by 11. At 11:40 a social worker (battle axe, wish her boss had Jen's case, she's much nicer than the battle axe who I have butted heads with and crossed swords) phoned and said that Jennie does not want to return home.

That is the last I have seen or heard from her. She has been in a nursing home since November 6, and I am told by the social worker that Jen does NOT want to see me. I do not know what I did to upset her where she never wants to see me again. I miss her big time, she is a lovely person.

I am still trying to figure it out. I have never mistreated her. I was her full-time carer since August 26 2010 when she came out of hospital, we have been engaged since September 27 2007. I gave up a good journalism job to look after her and went through all my savings (about €200,000).

November and December I sat around the lonely house moping and crying. In January several people told me to get out. So I am now a volunteer with the Order of Malta Ambulance Service and with the Irish Coast Guard Volunteers Unit down here in Rosslare Harbour, near Ballytrent, where I live.

But I need to find paid work. And I am not coping very well with Jennie's absence. I see a counselor, and I have stopped drinking for good.

But I really love and miss her. While I understand her dementia (Korsakoff's Syndrome), just the transition that Wednesday morning (November 5) from love to never wanting to see me again.

But I am very sad. A couple of times Jennie told her closest friend Eileen she grew up with in Dublin, why was I not visting or writing her (I do write and send books - ballet and WB Yeats mainly - clothes, chocolates, flowers, plants, letters, photos.) Then she is adamant, so I am told, that she doesn't want to see or live with me again. I would like to hear it from her own mouth face to face, but I am being denied visitation. Even one visit. I live in vain hope and wishful thinking that I can see her in the future and that she will change her mind about being with me.

She turned 64 April 9 and I sent flowers and chocolates. She is too young to be in a nursing home IMO. To be institutionalized, though she does have her own room.

Most people I speak and write with (California, Seattle, Dublin, London - a close circle of friends and relatives, and others such as my GP, counselor, HSE assessor) - they all find it "strange" and "weird".

I have taken it to mediation because I felt the social worker has been keeping me in the dark and being very economical with the facts. My landlord has offered to pay for a solicitor and the court costs if I take it before a judge. I am not so sure.

I hardly sleep, I still cry, I get depressed and that is why I have not been posting much on the Taco Stand.

Again, this post is off topic but just writing it helps.

Thanks for your time STers.

Dementia sucks. Big time.

Then Stevep posted
That's rough Patrick. I hope things improve and you get some clarity.

You've probably considered this, but is it possible that she was in a state of mind that she felt she was more of a burden to you than a companion, and was also lucid enough to convince the social workers that this meant she would rather be separated from you so that she wasn't a burden?

So I replied…

"Stevep, that point has been raised by several people, but she wasn't a burden in my eyes.

Well, I had to give up a week ice climbing trip to Ben Nevis, put off my scuba course and quit my Day Skipper course, but I was willing to do that, and I do not reget being her full-time carer, I'd do it all over again just to see her beautiful smile every day.

Okay I went from €51,000/year after tax to a Carer's Allowance of €204/week, which I am now going to lose.

Also in Dalkey, she had friends around, neighbors, agency carers and there is a lot to do in Dublin (zoo three times a years at least so she could see her beloved giraffes), though she did not like to watch me climb in Dalkey Quarry, it scared her.

Down here we are isolated, nearest neighbor is over 200 yards away (unfriendly farmer), I would use the TV as a 'carer', put a ballet on or something for her to watch and go into my office. And there is not a lot to do down here (fine beach - Celtic Sea - is a minute's walk away so I kayak and boulder). I think she started getting lonely.

The first 10 or so months seemed fine, she had no desire to walk (wander, abscond are the old terms) like she did in Dalkey (which is why I had electric gates put in).

The first time she was found in the pissing rain walking down Dalkey Avenue with no shoes, a dressing gown and pajamas. The second time it took the Gardai (police) and I three hours to find her and she was only about 300 yards away, confused down a cul de sac.

Down here I started slipping in my Duty of Care. I started not coping very well, I asked for help but the social worker turned a deaf ear. So I turned to the bottle as a very poor coping mechanism, and that was a part of the problem (besides her dementia), and stupid stupid me was letting her have low alcohol wine, so counterproductive for an alcoholic. Her GPs and others told me that, and I said it relaxes her. How stupid of me. Korsakoff's is caused, in most cases, by long term alcoholism

I no longer drink, at all, forever.

I am told she is very happy where she is, has settled in (the first month she stayed in her room), mingles with the other residents, likes the staff.

I have to realize that she is in a good place for the foreseeable future. As one of the mediators put it, "Patrick, she is happy, she is healthy, she has a team looking after her. You did it on your own for years, it is not a one-person job."

Still my conundrum is while I am happy she is in a safe and secure environment, I want her back home (with better support and assistance). No go for now, especialy since she does not want to come home.

Again apologies to all for an off topic post. I should have actually started a new thread. I sort of did on January 31."

Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Topic Author's Reply - Apr 14, 2015 - 08:19pm PT
DEMENTIA SUCKS
Skeptimistic

Mountain climber
La Mancha
Apr 14, 2015 - 08:25pm PT
My heart goes out to you. My father has dementia. What a sad way to lose a once vibrant & caring soul. Agonizing.

I don't know the dynamics of your situation, but it seems strange that you cannot visit.

Remember the good days and know that the current confusion isn't how she truly feels, just a short in the wiring.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 14, 2015 - 08:37pm PT
You probably didn't see this, Patrick, but it was posted earlier this day.

http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=2607974&tn=40

Scroll down to the pertinent post, please.

You're in my prayers, Del Valle.
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Topic Author's Reply - Apr 14, 2015 - 08:50pm PT
Skeptimistic, yes it is agonizing. My mother passed away January 5 2007 from Alzheimer's after ten years in a nursing home (a very good one in El Cerrito my brothers told me. I last saw her November 5 1995 the day I moved to Ireland, I will miss hugging her and wish I had gotten home before her death, a huge regret on my part). Everybody loved her.

I think generally dementia of any sort is tougher on the family and friends than the sufferer.

The reason I cannot visit, so I am told by the social worker and the nursing home owner the one time I did show up is that Jennie is consistent in saying she does not want to see me, although there have been a couple of times she asked her friend Eileen why didn't I visit.

I am not the only one who thinks there may be whispers in Jennie's ear, some sort of influence, as she is easily swayed and manipulated (I never did, I hope). I am also not the only one who thinks there may be some collusion between the social worker and the NH owner.

It was only through our GP Mary (excellent down to earth doc, as is her brother and his son) that I found out that Jennie was examined by a psychiatrist (November 6) and that the social worker and the agency carer (who I have had trouble with, her boss had to make her apologize and he did in an email) took Jennie to see Mary on the 6th.

Mary was surprised I was never informed of these facts. But the SW is very dismissive of me.

Should have married her December 26 2008 in Stateline ($50 for a marriage licence at the time from Douglas County clerk and preachers are not hard to find in Nevada, we were staying at Harveys and they have a chapel).

If she was my wife, I'd have a legal leg to stand on to see her. Alas, not to be, and we never could find her late husband's death certificate so no marriage in Ireland.

Is she non compos mentis? Both the shrink and our GP say so. Yet she apparently is more lucid than she was but still gets confused. For example, she asked Eileen if she had see her mother.

"Jennie, your mother died on your birthday in 2005."

People say that Jennie probably still loves me but…

Mouse thanks for the kind words in that other thread. And Del Valle, are you referring to my old high school in Walnut Creek?
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 15, 2015 - 11:13am PT
Yep. We spoke of it in a thread in Jan. '14.

I remember it because we had some sort of commonality between us aside from a past spent climbing and we both shared an interest in Hetch Hetchy.
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=2312346&msg=2312346#msg2312346

Overall, my memory is nearly intact and from all the looking around here, mostly the Taco is populated by old farts blessed similarly.

That's one of the terrifying things, to me, and the main one, probably for most: the loss of memories of kin and dear ones.

When I read that post on your trouble recently it caused me to think even more on things that we have in common.

I drank too much, too, but have at least come to the realization that I have a heart problem that can't be prevented and it is rolling the dice unfavorably for me to indulge overly much, so I've basically stoppped.

Besides, it's like having to care for another person when you carry that little drunkard around inside your head and cater to his needs. I'm stronger than that but only with the help of the deity.

So let us know how things are with you, from day to day. No one here has forgotten or stopped caring about you.

MFM


donini

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
Apr 15, 2015 - 12:43pm PT
You have my deepest sympathy....I cannot imagine anything more difficult to deal with.
SC seagoat

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
Apr 15, 2015 - 01:38pm PT
Thinking of you. A horrible heartache you are going through.
I hope that soon some peace will come your way and you can at least visit Jennie again. A very profound love you two have.


Susan
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Topic Author's Reply - Apr 18, 2015 - 03:55am PT
Extreme Love: Dementia

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xs16mn_extreme-love-dementia_shortfilms

Louis Theroux is a well-known documentarian (like his father).

From Wikipedia
Extreme Love: Dementia is a British television documentary film presented by and featuring Louis Theroux. It was first broadcast on 26 April 2012.[1]

Louis travels to Phoenix, Arizona - the capital of dementia care. He spends time at Beatitudes, a residential institution, and also with those looking after loved ones at home to try to understand the struggle of living in a world of encroaching shadows - and of keeping relationships alive in circumstances that can be among the strangest and most challenging imaginable.


This documentary is 58 minutes long and it can be heart-wrenching at times. I have only watched it once fully. I can't see it more than once without crying.

I don't want to post such a sad documentary, but it is the reality. Chances are we will all be, if not already have been, touched by dementia (loved one, friend) in some way.

If you have the time, this documentary is well worth it.
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Apr 18, 2015 - 07:09am PT
Sadness is okay. It's part of life. Don't worry about it being a sad topic, esp when it has some much. To sat on varying levels, to all of us!

Good luck and thank you, Patrick!
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