Are You a Real Rock Climber?

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limpingcrab

Trad climber
the middle of CA
Topic Author's Original Post - Mar 3, 2015 - 09:24pm PT
The bar has been set
http://www.climbing.com/blog/real-rock-climber/

Are You a Real Rock Climber?
By Kevin Corrigan

There are a lot of gumbos* these days that call themselves rock climbers, but only climb in the gym. That’s bullsh#t. They’re not real rock climbers, and we all know it. Or are they? They do ascend rock-like surfaces using only their strength and cunning to overcome gravity. But it’s not rock. It’s plastic. On the other hand, some of the world’s best competition climbers rarely touch real rock, and there’s no question that the ones that top the podium are climbers, right? So let’s settle this once and for all. What’s actually rock climbing?

Is gym climbing rock climbing?
No. Obviously not. By the literal definition, gym climbers are not rock climbers. They’re plastic climbers. Real rocks are made out of rock, stone, and sometimes minerals. Rocks are never made of plastic. Anything that happens on plastic is a different sport entirely.

What about when I go to the crag with my friends and spend the afternoon toproping?
You're climbing on rocks, so it's rock climbing, right? Wrong! If you're not leading, you're not rock climbing. All your doing is goofing off on a cliff. Think of it this way, if you can walk to the top, it's not a real rock climb (I'm looking at you El Cap).

I get it. Anything less than sport climbing isn't rock climbing.
Um, sport climbing? That’s more of an oxymoron than gym climbing. True rock climbing doesn't follow a dotted metal line up a cliff. It requires route finding. It doesn't provide you with bomber bolts every five feet. You need to be bold and take responsibility for your own safety. Sport climbing is more like bungee jumping where you try not to fall. If you think that doesn't make sense, you're right.

You're saying Chris Sharma and Sasha DiGiulian aren't rock climbers then.
Exactly. And furthermore, both of those people are too attractive and have too much money to be real rock climbers. They're just athletic models that pose on the sides of cliffs. Real rock climbers are dirty. And homeless.

So you're one of those elitists that thinks trad climbers are the only true climbers.
Wow. You think trad climbers are real climbers? You know those cowards use ropes for protection, right? Anyone can climb anything with the benefit of a rope. It's basically aid climbing, which is also not climbing. Those Caldwell and Jorgeson clowns were only able to climb the Dawn Wall because they used ropes and spent over two weeks up there. I could climb the Dawn Wall with a rope. I'd just hang for a day in between each move and do it over the course of two years. But that's obviously not rock climbing. Not to mention that climbing El Cap is a waste of time anyway because you can just walk to the top (see above).

I see. You’re saying that free soloing is the only pure form of climbing. I think that’s stupid, but at least I can understand the argument.
You don’t understand anything. Real climbing requires strength and gymnastic talent, as well as technical mastery. Free soloing is too easy. There's nothing hanging from your harness weighing you down. You don't need to build anchors. Free soloists are basically chimpanzees. Sure, they can get on top of a rock, but there's nothing going on inside their heads. Real rock climbers understand engineering and physics. They know what fall factors and kilonewtons are. They spend a lot of money on shiny metal things that they hang on their harnesses. Then they take those shiny things and shove them in the rock. Free soloists are not climbers, and especially not Alex Honnold, because like Sharma, he's way too handsome.

OK. What? You just said that trad climbing isn't climbing because ropes are for cowards. Then you basically said free soloing isn't climbing because it's not trad climbing.
Correct.

So the only true form of climbing is free soloing while placing gear and building anchors but not using either for protection? You're just sticking them in the rock for the hell of it, and if you fall, you die?
Yes. Free solo trad requires all the boldness and technical prowess of true climbing.

What about bouldering?
Bouldering is great. //


*Spell check changed this and I’m leaving it, and saying it from now on.

Kevin Corrigan is a Digital Specialist at Climbing. He is not a real rock climber.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Mar 3, 2015 - 09:33pm PT
Brilliant!
ionlyski

Trad climber
Kalispell, Montana
Mar 3, 2015 - 09:40pm PT
Bouldering is great.

I was with you all the way but you lost me on that one.
Capt.

climber
some eastside hovel
Mar 3, 2015 - 09:48pm PT
So where does ice rank? And how do you do it "correctly" ??? ;-) ;-)
ß Î Ø T Ç H

Boulder climber
extraordinaire
Mar 3, 2015 - 11:13pm PT
Anything that happens on plastic is a different sport entirely.
Stupid assumption.
mcreel

climber
Barcelona
Mar 3, 2015 - 11:19pm PT
That really cleared things up for me. I hope that it was not printed on glossy paper.
L

climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
Mar 3, 2015 - 11:31pm PT
Yes.

No.

Maybe.
Vitaliy M.

Mountain climber
San Francisco
Mar 3, 2015 - 11:42pm PT
Unless you are doing a first ascent, ground up, onsight, in the best style (see Ed Hartouni thread) you are a miserable sack of dried up hamster jizz.
[Click to View YouTube Video]

I think I was a rock climber only a few times in my life. *blushes*
Sierra Ledge Rat

Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
Mar 4, 2015 - 04:28am PT
Anyone who says they like rappelling is not a real climber, either, cause obviously they ain't done enough to get the sh#t scared out of them
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 4, 2015 - 04:49am PT
One unreal rock climber, T Hocking.Another unreal rock climber (since 1976 or so), Jeff Mathis.
They pose as rock climbers when the ladies come around.

Why were you wearing your wife's hat, Tad? Is it a tribute to the United States Maureens?
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Mar 4, 2015 - 06:13am PT
Bouldering is great.

I was with you all the way but you lost me on that one.

With a full rack, then its rock climbing.
Srbphoto

climber
Kennewick wa
Mar 4, 2015 - 07:11am PT
I'm inspired!!! I need to find someone to go "climping" with today!!!!
TravisMcGee

Trad climber
Boulder, CO
Mar 4, 2015 - 07:58am PT
I'll take handsome.
skcreidc

Social climber
SD, CA
Mar 4, 2015 - 08:39am PT
NO. But the OP was pretty damn funny.
climbski2

Mountain climber
Anchorage AK, Reno NV
Mar 4, 2015 - 08:52am PT
We can shut down ST now. Climbing has finally been defined properly.

Reminds me of one of my TRs.
Shameless plug

http://www.supertopo.com/tr/Buttermilk-Bigwall-Bouldering-Expedition/t11915n.html

Real climber

Proper belay for real climber
jackkelly

Trad climber
Bangkok
Mar 4, 2015 - 09:52am PT
Is Burt Bronson back?
limpingcrab

Trad climber
the middle of CA
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 4, 2015 - 10:12am PT
Now THAT'S some real climbing, ClimbSki2!
Lynne Leichtfuss

Trad climber
Will know soon
Mar 4, 2015 - 10:20am PT
Off hand I'd say rock climbing requires rocks.

I'd never call myself a "real rock climber". I climb and love it, but I'm not real :)
KabalaArch

Trad climber
Starlite, California
Mar 4, 2015 - 11:34am PT
Now THAT'S some real climbing, ClimbSki2!

Ropes in the 'Milks?

Go stand in the corner.
donini

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
Mar 4, 2015 - 01:17pm PT
Anyone can easily recognize a real climber...they're the ones top roping with two belay devices, belay gloves, accessory knife, four cordelettes, daisy chain and aproach shoes on their harnesses.
Messages 1 - 20 of total 21 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
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