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ladyscarlett
Trad climber
SF Bay Area, California
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Topic Author's Original Post - Nov 13, 2013 - 05:14pm PT
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I’d done it, in a silly fit of craziness…
‘wanna lead?’
‘yeah, sure, I can lead...’
I think I’d poked the fire with an ongoing comment that at this stage of my climbing n00biness, I only lead what others solo. But hell, climbing is fun and leading especially so, even if everyone else solos where I haul gear.
‘The hardest part is the first few moves’
It looks steep...it IS steep. More continuously vertical than anything I can remember in my recent lead past. He’s right, the first few moves are stretch for me.
Strangely my sanity stays intact for the first few pieces, I’m in it now. This is a whole different kind of climbing for me...sustained, vertical, and continuous. The pro is there, but difficult for my n00b eyes to see, and I know in my head that with this kind of vertical terrain, my strength saps faster with every extra moment I am not moving upward. I can feel it in my fingernails, that my body, already pushed by two pitches of hard climbing at the farthest edge of by climbing ability, is coming to it’s limit. Not now, not in the next 3 moves, but it’s there, and I can feel it running down the back of my neck like an icy breeze. It worms in my brain as I continue to move upward, burrowing into a tenuous confidence that has taken a beating from being hauled up two roofs like a sack of potatoes. I’m not good enough to do this, except that I’m doing it, and the only way out is up.
My rack is getting lighter, the ropes are getting heavier, thank god for long slings. I hear that it’s supposed to get easier high up because I’m less likely to hit the ground, but my brain and body don’t believe it because my pro is desperate at best. Elvis leg is only one of all my problems. For the last stances, I’ve had to actively use the various fear management techniques that as a n00b are never automatic. Left is right, right is left, down is a painful looming reality, and up is still the only way out. And then that’s it…
I’ve stopped, I can’t go any further…and I’m not at the top.
When sketched out, I’m supposed to place pro, but the pro I need is 20 feet below me, supposedly keeping me safe. I can’t do the move and there’s no pro - to either protect the move or bail (which really stopped being an option 8 cams ago).
There’s no way out and panic blacks out my brain. Rather than freezing in my tracks, it’s worse, my hands pitifully slap the surface of the rock and my feet alternately slide hopelessly across the smooth rock as my body goes through strange convulsions of desperation. I’m not in control in any way and I have no idea what my body is doing.
And then strangely, someone moves the fingers that are trembling in front of my face along a thin unlikely crack. My arm takes one of my remaining cams, and places it into that same crack, clips the rope. Someone is using magic and my body flows up the last steep face...I find my body on the first solid ledge I’ve felt in the last 30 feet and my body is mine again. As the emotional realization that I’m not going to die yet floods my brain, I chant out loud…
‘it’s not over, get to the top, get to the top, keep going’
At the summit, I’m not entirely myself, but that other person is gone, back to wherever she came from, and it’s me, feeling the physical and mental effects of a summit earned one drop of fear at a time.
And yeah...it still feels good.
With all the things in my past that have stopped or derailed me from a plan of action, I have years of proof that I am the kind of person who will quit at the first sign of hardship, to freeze upon danger, do anything possible to not break a sweat. My self confidence is based in the reality of my failures and weakness.
Yet sometimes...on magic days...I can find my other self, that person who can use magic, can walk up walls, and stick to smooth polish. Sometimes, I can be with that person who can overcome what lies ahead to reach the top.
I find out later that no one really solos that climb...so much for that!
Cheers
LS
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:17pm PT
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Nice send!
Can you please lead my first pitch on the Captain for me next spring??
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:20pm PT
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Well, somebody had to get the rope up that thing for those two old dudes.
But, kidding aside, well done.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:22pm PT
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Strong work!
Can't believe that I live a couple of hundred miles from there and haven't visited.
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scuffy b
climber
heading slowly NNW
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:25pm PT
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That's really cool. Evocative.
Thanks for a wonderful post.
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:33pm PT
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Gunks!
With rgold?
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perswig
climber
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:36pm PT
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That moment becomes a touchstone, waiting to be summoned at the next crux.
Nice work.
Dale
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Leggs
Sport climber
Tucson, AZ
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:48pm PT
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And then strangely, someone moves the fingers that are trembling in front of my face along a thin unlikely crack. My arm takes one of my remaining cams, and places it into that same crack, clips the rope. Someone is using magic and my body flows up the last steep face...I find my body on the first solid ledge I’ve felt in the last 30 feet and my body is mine again. As the emotional realization that I’m not going to die yet floods my brain, I chant out loud…
‘it’s not over, get to the top, get to the top, keep going’
At the summit, I’m not entirely myself, but that other person is gone, back to wherever she came from, and it’s me, feeling the physical and mental effects of a summit earned one drop of fear at a time.
And yeah...it still feels good.
Beautiful.
Great job, LS. ~xx
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Curt
climber
Gold Canyon, AZ
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:48pm PT
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Welcome to the Gunks !!
Curt
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anita514
Gym climber
Great White North
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Nov 13, 2013 - 05:56pm PT
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which route?
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Nov 13, 2013 - 06:00pm PT
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WOOO HOOO!!!
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Nov 13, 2013 - 06:10pm PT
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Nice to read. Tiffypoo.
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Vitaliy M.
Mountain climber
San Francisco
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Nov 13, 2013 - 06:26pm PT
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Cool report, thank you for posting. You and DMT seem like a good partnership. Don't see too many people climbing with one partner all the time! Well done!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 13, 2013 - 06:54pm PT
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LS....that is a stunning report. It just took me along.
Beautiful...the Gunks and surrounds are quite stunning aren't they? I miss them.
Susan
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FRUMY
Trad climber
Bishop,CA
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Nov 13, 2013 - 07:29pm PT
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Very nice tfpu.
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Sport climber
moving thru
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Nov 13, 2013 - 07:40pm PT
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Nice on so many levels....
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Nov 13, 2013 - 07:44pm PT
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enlightenment is like matter:
it cannot be created nor destroyed,
only cycled,
thus in order to find your other self,
you had to shed some other infinite aspect
of your being.
that's completely rad,
im way into losing myself
in order to create voids
into which,
according to the inverse of bernouli's principle,
knowledge flows.
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Evel
Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
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Nov 13, 2013 - 09:34pm PT
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Gunks in the fall are Most Excellent!
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Leggs
Sport climber
Tucson, AZ
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Nov 14, 2013 - 10:31am PT
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Bump!
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
Nothing creative to say
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Nov 14, 2013 - 12:05pm PT
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like
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Nov 14, 2013 - 09:19pm PT
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Red, bump.
Yellow, brown, and dead leaf, bump.
Sure want to get there myself now, bump.
Finding one's other self, bump.
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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Nov 14, 2013 - 09:29pm PT
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Yet sometimes...on magic days...I can find my other self, that person who can use magic, can walk up walls, and stick to smooth polish. Sometimes, I can be with that person who can overcome what lies ahead to reach the top.
Really, really nice.
Good job on the climb and the writing.
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Nov 14, 2013 - 11:08pm PT
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Nice - and now we have photographic evidence, she is a lady, she was wearing scarlett, and she was on lead. Leadin - it makes climbing all new again.
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ladyscarlett
Trad climber
SF Bay Area, California
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 15, 2013 - 03:47pm PT
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the cracks are a trick...
I hear it's the easy version of "small hold face climbing."
made me stand up fer sure!
Cheers
LS
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rgold
Trad climber
Poughkeepsie, NY
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Nov 15, 2013 - 05:03pm PT
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We just thought you were taking your time! No idea you were up there negotiating with multiple personalities and having life-affirming insights.
I'd venture that almost every climber has moments of extreme doubt and ultimate affirmation much like your experience. I'd go so far as to say that it's what the game is really all about. Not that we'd want such experiences every time we leave the ground, but these occasional moments of extremity, arriving unbidden, are the bedrock on which a climbing life is built, the source of such confidence as we possess, such wisdom as we have acquired, and the intensity of experience we share.
At the end of the day, you stepped up and, as Dingus says, walked the dog. The modern fist bump strikes me as a paltry acknowledgement of all that went on, and the internet makes it virtual at that, but it's all that's available for a transcontinental acknowledgement of a job well done.
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rgold
Trad climber
Poughkeepsie, NY
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Nov 17, 2013 - 06:25pm PT
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Bump for the Inner Dialog!
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phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
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Nov 17, 2013 - 08:20pm PT
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Hey, congratulations!
Nice write-up. Thanks.
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Ezra Ellis
Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
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Nov 17, 2013 - 09:22pm PT
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Nice job LS,
Stellar writing!!
Your a lifer now. ;)
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