YOU MAY BE IN MORTAL DANGER - READ THIS

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Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Original Post - Jul 14, 2012 - 01:23pm PT
Okay,

So you're back from a trip up the big stone, feelin studly, pleased with yourself, and way cool. You head home, back on familiar ground you think you're safe. Well buddy you ain't! Danger lurks in the most unsuspecting places and is just waiting for you to drop your guard........................ Read dis an do you and your homies a big fava!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1"]http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
apogee

climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
Jul 14, 2012 - 01:27pm PT
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
24 Jan 2012
By Andrew
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.


Classic!
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 14, 2012 - 01:33pm PT
after Roxjox cursed me I made the same mistake.

It's a mess... a total mess.


Tattoo aside.
Shack

Big Wall climber
Reno NV
Jul 14, 2012 - 01:35pm PT

5.0 out of 5 stars Good results at first interrogation, 25 April 2012
By Mr. H. A. Outhwaite - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus

Fricken hilarious...

and this guy even wrote a poem about it...

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim

The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat

I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw

I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.

Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.

You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
ontheedgeandscaredtodeath

Trad climber
San Francisco, Ca
Jul 14, 2012 - 01:51pm PT
So funny! I shall henceforth always go to amazon.uk for product reviews!
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 02:00pm PT
As a mid-20s relatively athletic male, but with very dark hair and surface coverage of this to rival a Wookie from Star Wars, I understand the supposed importance of baby smooth skin and properly trimmed hair on the dating scene. I have previously tried trimming, shaving and waxing various areas of my body to no real long term avail, and so was very intrigued when I heard about Veet hair removal creme and decided to try it at the first possibly opportunity.

Having bought this in a shop and not online, I did not have the opportunity to read other people's reviews of this product, and so upon glancing briefly at the instructions when I opened it assumed that the instruction not to apply to ones nether-regions was just being overly cautious. In fact this seemed to be almost a challenge, and being blessed with hair so long you could plait it 8 weeks after its cut fighting to escape my crack this seemed to be a fantastic idea, not to mention the added length I could gain round the front.

With this impeccable logic in place, the first thing I did was to ignore the warning and liberally coat my gentleman's fruit basket and crevice with the creme and wait for the desired effect. After 4 minutes however I realised, in part, the beginning implications of my mistake. It felt as though fire ants had taken up residence in the area and were now at war, and I had tears of agony rolling down my face. At 5 minutes it felt like I had painted my scrotum in a mixture of meat juice and napalm and then dipped them lovingly into a ravenous piranha tank, and by 5 minutes 58 seconds I was positively deranged and on the verge of blacking out.

As an additional note to anybody who wants to use this crème, it should be strongly advised to only use it when next to the shower. You may find otherwise, like I did, that someone else, with impeccable timing, will decide to use the bathroom at this critical time and force you to take alternative drastic action.

In this particular case 13 seconds after the 6 minute mark I was sitting navel deep in a steamy, watery soup of foam, suds, smouldering flesh, and gravy, with my feet on the draining board and my then girlfriend screaming dementedly at me. Apparently charging wildly into the kitchen whilst bellowing at the top of your voice like a mountain gorilla with its toe caught in a mousetrap, and then cannonballing arse first into the sink whilst your girlfriend is doing the washing up is considered inappropriate behaviour, and can be quite disquieting for a poor girl. She did later however admit she was impressed with the polished red hue my rear iris was emitting as it flashed past her vision like a marine distress flare on the back of a speeding truck.

This experience however has taught me 3 sure things in life:
1. God and the universe has a sense of humour
2. Instructions should always be followed, and not regarded as a challenge
3. If you want your plums, tadger and canyon to be smoother than a greased billiard ball, but twice the size, luminous red and 5 times more sensitive use this crème without listening to point 2.

I am giving this product 4 out of 5 stars, as whilst it does do exactly what is says on the cover, (and more), I am docking it 1 star as the girlfriend and love-spuds I once knew and treasured have all but disappeared, and for the first 2 days after I could not sit down without screaming.
nutjob

Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
Jul 14, 2012 - 02:04pm PT
Maybe this story should be in the "onsights gone wrong" thread.
froodish

Social climber
Portland, Oregon
Jul 14, 2012 - 02:17pm PT
I love it when the street finds its own uses for things :-)

The mother of all Amazon reviews:

Tuscan Whole Milk
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 14, 2012 - 02:25pm PT
nutjob +1

lmao!
Vegasclimber

Trad climber
Las Vegas, NV.
Jul 14, 2012 - 02:52pm PT
OT Marmot sez "Now I have a tummy ache..."
OT Marmot sez "Now I have a tummy ache..."
Credit: Vegasclimber

Hey look, it's....Off Topic Marmot! He's tired from being so busy lately. Ha...
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 03:30pm PT
This is what happened when my Marmot read this topic.........

Some shite taxidermist
Some shite taxidermist
Credit: Blakey

zBrown

Ice climber
chingadero de chula vista
Jul 14, 2012 - 03:36pm PT
OK I read it. Am I still in danger?
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2012 - 03:52pm PT
You'll be fine, but don't buy one of these....

http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE/ref=cm_lmf_tit_4[/url]
Sierra Ledge Rat

Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:37pm PT
^^^^^

"Currently unavailable.
We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock."

Damn!
The Call Of K2 Lou

climber
Squamish
Jul 14, 2012 - 04:49pm PT
Ah yes, in manscaping, as in life, there are no shortcuts.
The best thing to do is simply work hard and never give up... until, uhh... your pubes are gone, I guess...?
The user formerly known as stzzo

climber
Sneaking up behind you
Jul 14, 2012 - 08:47pm PT
YER GUNNA DIE!!!

I can't believe no one has said it...

I don't come home from the rock feelin' studly and way cool. Do I get an exemption?

Mostly, I just come home feelin' blissful after a day of flirtin' with Lady Danger.
Silver

Gym climber
Jul 14, 2012 - 09:13pm PT
Hair don't grow on steel.
nature

climber
SoSlo, CO
Jul 14, 2012 - 09:14pm PT
stzzo +1
zBrown

Ice climber
chingadero de chula vista
Jul 14, 2012 - 09:18pm PT
This looks like a mighty fine product to me. Snake-proof, bear-proof, cougar-proof.

I wonder if there's a hybrid model.


Captain...or Skully

climber
Jul 14, 2012 - 09:32pm PT
Dude, it's a Dalek.
Yer Still gonna die.
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 15, 2012 - 12:20am PT
TUFKAS said:

YER GUNNA DIE!!!

I can't believe no one has said it...

I don't come home from the rock feelin' studly and way cool. Do I get an exemption?

Mostly, I just come home feelin' blissful after a day of flirtin' with Lady Danger.

Seems to me you must have been mentored by:

'The only way to a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun s...
'The only way to a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show....'
Credit: Blakey


The user formerly known as stzzo

climber
Sneaking up behind you
Jul 15, 2012 - 12:24am PT
I mentored him, mate.
fsck

climber
Jul 15, 2012 - 01:16am PT
how much is £4.50 in american folding money? i'm just going to cowboy up and deal with the pain that this product delivers, amazon reviews be damned. i gotta thin out the jungle down there in the canyon, if you know what i mean. it's like shitting through a mesh net ffs.
ncskains

Trad climber
Nome, Alaska
Jul 15, 2012 - 01:58am PT
Two funny as hell ones...


3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form
Price: $114.00
Availability: In Stock
4 used & new from $114.00

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
Our Testes, Ourselves, March 27, 2012
This review is from: 3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form (Misc.)
I must say, this is BY FAR the greatest pair of simulated disease-infested balls that I, for one, have ever owned (I'm a collector). The W43014 is such an improvement over the W43013 that it's hard to believe they're even made by the same company.

Other simulated disease-infested balls that I've owned covered some of your more baseline diseases, like the clap, or herpes, or maybe an HPV wart outbreak... but none of them have ever gone the extra mile and simulated life-threatening testicular cancer! A fine pair indeed!

Another bonus - I discovered last week (when I had taken my son to football practice and grabbed the wrong gym-bag on the way out) that the 3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form is ONE HECK of a mouthguard. My son plays center, so gaurding his teeth/jaw is especially important. Well... he must have really looked fierce, because just the look of him with his war face on and the W43014 stuffed in his mouth was often enough to make the opposing lineman fall to the ground, bright red with fear. DE-FENSE!!!

If I had to pick something I don't like, it has to be the lack of complexion options available for this product. Look, most days the standard color ("Suburban White-Guy Pink" I think they call it?) is fine, but sometimes, well, I just feel like hunting for tumors in a less familiar beanbag. I think an African-American model, or perhaps even a nice olive-complected mediterranean look would be nice additions to the W43014 simulated disease-infested balls family.

Good nuts though, seriously!


Club Clean Club & Ball Cleaner
Price: $39.95 - $69.99
Availability: In Stock

 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Man am I Embarrassed!, March 26, 2012
This review is from: Club Clean Club & Ball Cleaner (Misc.)
So I get this ball washer, in camo, for my birthday. The thing is I guess the box wasn't attractive or something, because my wife had taken it out of the box and put it on one of those foo-foo sparkly bags with tissue paper(the ones that everyone acts like they paid five bucks for at Hallmark but actually bought by the dozen at the dollar store).

So at any rate, I look in the bag and I see this thing. The first thing I think is it's like a joystick for my old Atari, with like an ashtray on it or something (because heLLO that would FREAKING RULE!), but after looking for the cord I realize it's probably(?) not electrical in nature. So I look at my wife, and I'm like: Hey honey, WTF???

So she looks at me with this DUH look, and says, "Honey, it's a ball-washer..."

So my inner dialog is like: A ball washer? Why would she get me this? I mean, I know I could be cleaner... but I do try most of the time, and when we're like "together" she usually never says anything or like winces or anything when she's in "the area" or whatever.

So at this point it's my birthday, and the last thing I want to do is talk about my hygiene. Besides, Jersey Shore is starting and that situation guy makes me chuckle. So I give her a kiss and accept the ball washer, I just want her to be happy, ya know? So I throw it in the den by my chair and forget about it.

Ok, so like three weeks later I'm sitting there watching Columbo, and well, I gotta be honest: I smell something. I had been sitting there for awhile, like two days, so was I really that shocked? Not really. So I just happened to look over and there's my camo ball-washer just staring at me, like HELLO STINKY BOY! All I had handy was some of that blue carwash stuff from Pep Boys... the stuff in the big jug that's like four bucks. So I pour a bunch in there, add some hot tap water, shake it up and bada-bing-bada-boom I am in business! "Those are gonna be some clean balls" I remember thinking... man, hindsight really is 20/20.

So I "do my thing" with the washer and I've gotta say that using that ball washer was more painful than just about every single thing I've ever done with my balls. Well, there is this other time, but this review is already too long. So I jerk this thing around, the bristles man... just OUCH!

Here's the thing though: when I was all done... my god man you shoulda seen them balls! I mean they were sparkling like Kay Jewelers! Magnificent, really good stuff. I was in a lot of pain, true, but the glossy shine was off the charts!

So now I'm standing there and I start thinking that I should put some of that carnuaba wax in there and do it again, you know, make the water bead off them puppies, when I realize my wife has been standing there watching me. Honestly I figured it was a little weird, but she should be happy I'm finally using something she bought me, right? Not so. She had a look on her face that pulsated between astonishment and terror. It really was something, that look. New one on me.

So she starts screaming at me what the bleep this and what the bleep that (I really wasn't listening, Jersey Shore was on by now), and I'm like "Honey, I'm using the ball washer! What's the big deal!" So now laughter is pulsating in between the terror and the astonishment, and she tells me what we all now know: It's a golf-ball washer.

A golf ball washer. Go figure. And here I am so proud of myself... I mean, I didn't have the paperwork or anything, I'm thinking I did ok? So now I realize just how crazy this all must look, and I put it down on the carpet and start putting my pants on, trying to play it off somehow.

Well I blame her for what happened next, because she's the one that chose the camouflaged finish on this thing, not me! She walks over to call me more names or something, doesn't see the camo ball-washer right in front of her, kicks it over, spills the dirty ball water all over the place, and goes for a foots-in-the-air slide right into the dirty ball-water and carwash puddle. I noticed that smell was back a little too.

I guess the point of this story is that them foo-foo bags, while they may look nice, can cause real issues if you throw away the original packing material of the gift inside. We spent all day with a wet-vac, and my wife had to go to chiropractor five or six times before everything was ok again.

OH, I almost forgot, this ball washer does a GREAT job on golf balls, although I keep losing the thing.
philo

Trad climber
Somewhere halfway over the rainbow
Jul 15, 2012 - 05:49am PT
Too freekin funny!

With this impeccable logic in place, the first thing I did was to ignore the warning and liberally coat my gentleman's fruit basket and crevice with the creme and wait for the desired effect. After 4 minutes however I realised, in part, the beginning implications of my mistake. It felt as though fire ants had taken up residence in the area and were now at war, and I had tears of agony rolling down my face. At 5 minutes it felt like I had painted my scrotum in a mixture of meat juice and napalm and then dipped them lovingly into a ravenous piranha tank, and by 5 minutes 58 seconds I was positively deranged and on the verge of blacking out.

I had tears of laughter rolling down my face.
Rick A

climber
Boulder, Colorado
Jul 15, 2012 - 08:57am PT
Thanks, Steve!

Just the euphemisms alone were downright hilarious, as if written by a raunchy PD Wodehouse or Monty Python.
Blakey

Trad climber
Newcastle UK
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 15, 2012 - 10:42am PT
Rick,

A bit off topic, but still humorous....

Evelyn Waugh was capable of some good stuff, this was a letter penned to his wife while he was posted to No 3 Commando during WW2. (Apparently he was moved frequently, being simply too clever!)

No.3 Commando was very anxious to be chums with Lord Glasgow, so they offered to blow up an old tree stump for him and he was very grateful and said 'don't spoil the plantation of young trees near it because that is the apple of my eye', and they said 'no of course not, we can blow a tree down so it falls on a sixpence' and Lord Glasgow said 'goodness you are clever', and he asked them all to luncheon for the great explosion.

So Col. Durnford-Slater DSO said to his subaltern, 'Have you put enough explosive in the tree? 'Yes, sir, 75lbs'. 'Is that enough?' 'Yes sir, I worked it out by mathematics, it is exactly right'. 'Well better put a bit more'. 'Very good sir'.

And when Col. D Slater DSO had had his port, he sent for the subaltern and said subaltern 'Better put a bit more explosive in that tree. I don't want to disappoint Lord Glasgow'. 'Very good sir'.
Then they all went out to see the explosion and Col. DS DSO said 'You will see that tree fall flat at just the angle where it will hurt no young trees' and Lord Glasgow said 'Goodness you are clever'.

So soon they lit the fuse and waited for the explosion and presently the tree, instead of falling quietly sideways, rose 50 feet into the air taking with it ½ acre of soil and the whole young plantation.

And the subaltern said 'Sir, I made a mistake, it should have been 7½lb not 75....... Lord Glasgow was so upset he walked in dead silence back to his castle and when they came to the turn of the drive in sight of his castle what should they find but that every pane of glass in the building was broken.

So Lord Glasgow gave a little cry and ran to hide his emotions in the lavatory and there when he pulled the plug the entire ceiling, loosened by the explosion, fell on his head.

This is all quite true.

I used to lecture on a demolitions course and gave the anecdote to dems wing, who framed it and displayed it as a salutary lesson to check, check and check again.

Off topic I know - someone post up a Marmot,

Steve
crunch

Social climber
CO
Aug 1, 2012 - 10:41am PT
Another fine, manly product:

http://www.amazon.com/AudioQuest-K2-terminated-speaker-cable/dp/B000J36XR2/ref=sr_1_2?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1343842244&sr=1-2&keywords=monster+hdmi+cable
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