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UnaBonger
climber
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Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 8, 2006 - 12:35pm PT
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Code Brown
Years ago one Friday night: An anonymous climber consumed several beers, then a giant burrito, and finally more beers. He swayed and stumbled home. Saturday morning, his alarm pierces the early morning darkness. Time to go climbing in the Rockies. He suppresses waves of nausea and rushes about, getting ready to leave with Schuyler, whose impatience is obvious. They brew a giant thermos of strong coffee for the drive up. He chokes down a stubbornly large super fiber muffin. In the bleary fog left from the previous evening’s festivities, the climber neglects his morning constitutional. Cup after cup of coffee serves to revive the climber, and by the time they've finished the drive and shuffled along the approach, he can appreciate the sublime surroundings, and is amused by the antics of the mountain goats and their young, jumping crazily from ledge to ledge with hundreds of feet of exposure.
The team executes four neat rappels down the granite cliffs. Now they are committed to climbing back up four pitches as the easiest way back to the car. The route is unfamiliar, but should be well within the pair's limits. Schuyler takes the first lead. With Schuyler 70 feet up, the belayer looks up, and WHOOOAA….Something is falling from Schuyler, as it comes close, he reaches out, and……BAM, he catches…THE CAR KEYS! A good luck omen, definitely, he thought, for if he hadn't caught them, they would have been irretrievably lost in the talus far below, protected from the current position by a hundred feet of loose, 5th class rock and talus. Schuyler, absorbed in his lead, appears not to have noticed, and our bemused hero tucks the keys safely into a zippered pocket.
With a contented sigh, he lets loose a satisfying trumpet of gas. The last vapors of the previous night’s mistakes escape and have give way to an alert and happy concentration.
The climber's amusement continues as he starts the first pitch, moving smoothly and marveling at the crisp mountain granite, soon he arrives at the tiny belay ledge. But…what was this? Urgph, his stomach rumbled, and his amusement turned to slight discomfort. The team started swapping and organizing gear. But something was wrong with our anonymous climber. More gurgles and cramps arrived. And gas. Too much gas.
The climber's discomfort turned to dismay, then pain as the first bad cramps hit. Groaning, he realizes the implications of his predicament: Pounds of foodstuff, probably poorly digested, still resided within him. Bloated by beer, topped off with a burrito as big as his head, lubricated by bran, accelerated by coffee. He felt like an overfilled sausage skin, with someone squeezing the middle. His harness will not allow for removal and proper relief, in any case, there's no proper place to release...
Something needed to give. Probably very soon. In a tight voice, he hands the lead to Schuyler again. "I'm feeling a bit queasy, yes, you should do this lead also...sorry dude."
The minutes ticked by, the cramps grew worse. Now, with Schuyler halfway up the pitch, the pain of holding back became greater than the shame of letting loose. With a groan, a teardrop, and clenched teeth, he opened the valve and let it go. And go it did. It kept going and going, filling his pants with a loose and smelly stew. At home this would've been a multi flush monster. Here, the squishy waste spooged down his legs, filled his underwear, squashed by his leg loops, and settled near his ankles, trapped only by the worn and failing elastic cuffs. Still the smelly mud was flowing, and like a chocolate icing out of a tube, it started dropping from his pants legs, brown gooplets sailing to the rocks below.
His vision narrowed to a dark tunnel, he gritted his teeth and clamped his hand on the belay rope and groaned in agony. After an eternity, and a few last spasms of the gut, the gusher stopped, leaving a disgusting and foul smelling mess smeared in his crotch, along the inside of his pants, and a goodly collection still trapped by the leg loops of his harness, turning his underwear into a defective sort of overfull diaper. The whole mess was seeping through his layers, staining his harness and chalkbag.
Schuyler, now arrived safely at the belay a hundred feet up, had no clue what had happened. The climb must go on, so our stinky hero worked his way up, and with a few meters to go before reaching Schuyler, started explaining. A frown, a sigh, and a strong motivation to finish quickly passed over Schuyler. Too smelly to share the intimate belay, the climber stayed below the stance, tied in out of arms reach, but within the nose's, from Schuyler.
Of course leading was now out of the question for the muddied climber—any movement might have dislodged brown splatter from his ankle openings upon the hapless belayer. Content to slump against the wall, he belayed Schuyler without incident, two more pitches to the top. Blessed was the feeling when he reached the backpacks, and despite the now cold temperatures, he stripped naked, and attempted a cleanup operation using a stick and a liter of water (thirst was strong, but disgust stronger). With only small success, he now faced a walk of several miles back to the car, on a popular tourist trail. His sole clothing was a cheap blue plastic tarp, originally used for a convenient ground cover when gearing up or having lunch. Now it was a smelly and ill-fitting skirt.
They reached the parking lot, and Schuyler reached for his keys. Our hero remembers them, tucked in his fanny pack. He uses them as leverage to bargain his way out of having to ride in the bed of the truck for the cold ride home. “If I find them, can I ride in the front?” “Goddamn dude. I guess so.”
Neither of them ever again left the house with such impatience.
Dedicated to the late Schuyler Crane. I miss you, man.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
St. Louis
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FINALLY!!! YAY!!!
"trumpet of gas" awesome...
See you next week Una!
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Prod
Trad climber
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Feb 26, 2015 - 08:29am PT
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Well worth the wread Will.
Prod.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Feb 26, 2015 - 08:45am PT
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Just goes to show you how awesomeness falls off the page prematurely.
That was a lot of quality writing!
I'm always amazed looking at the way back threads, how they would drop off with two posts...
Quality bumpage here!
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nah000
climber
no/w/here
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Feb 26, 2015 - 08:48am PT
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nice find Prod.
can't believe this only got one post... that's some good sh#t right there [sorry couldn't resist]
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Feb 26, 2015 - 09:27am PT
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Damn, that was evocative! BwaHaHaHaHa! Well splayed, sir!
Why do I have this feeling that this is a case of 'you can't make this sh!t up'?
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Psilocyborg
climber
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Feb 26, 2015 - 10:00am PT
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sprayin' about sprayin'....sweet
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Feb 26, 2015 - 10:35am PT
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I totally remember reading this! A definite all-time classic. Must have been before the culture of bumpage.
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willniccolls
Boulder climber
Alexandria VA
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Feb 26, 2015 - 10:37am PT
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Haha! I lost my Unabonger login, thanks for resurrecting. The old days sure were shitty, lol.
I still may be emotionally damaged from the whole incident. Weirdest thing was catching Schuyler's car keys when he dropped them halfway up the pitch.
Anyway while we are at it let's drink one to the late, great, weird, Schuyler Crane.
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Prod
Trad climber
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Feb 26, 2015 - 11:07am PT
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Oh Tami.... Killing me. I can totally see it squishing through a belay device.
Prod.
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Jones in LA
Mountain climber
Tarzana, California
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Feb 26, 2015 - 02:28pm PT
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A modern version of the same situation (although lower in intensity by an order of magnitude): a good climber having a bad day, after a night of drinkin':
[Click to View YouTube Video]
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The Call Of K2 Lou
Mountain climber
North Shore, BC
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Feb 26, 2015 - 02:56pm PT
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This ought to have a (TR) in the title.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Feb 26, 2015 - 03:00pm PT
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Anyway while we are at it let's drink one to the late, great, weird, Schuyler Crane.
You were the one squishing yer way up the route with nary an attempt to create an escape from drawers, and you're calling HIM weird? BWA HA Haahahaaa!!
What year was this anyway?
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phylp
Trad climber
Upland, CA
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Feb 26, 2015 - 03:03pm PT
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It's amazing what good quality sh$* can be found deep in the bowels of the Forum.
Thanks for gaseously raising this to the top (I think).
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snakefoot
climber
Nor Cal
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Feb 26, 2015 - 03:10pm PT
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all time classic. there's a reason for the rain of terror pitch on el cap.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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Feb 26, 2015 - 06:55pm PT
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I C that R.A.P ing was not an option! maybe remember the need of a good PAPERback book that can be used when having to defecate, to direct re deflect the poo!💩
What a great world of rock climbing that this place is!!
From yesterday night till the Ides please be careful out there
Some thing , the sihT is stirring this was a great read!
I have been a gambling Man since I was ten when the person who's parents taught me to climb Banging pinz ! Got pissed at a highball Boulder I did, and left me alone to descend.
Many moons later another hero choose not to ascend to the top of the formation, he finished down climbing un-roped, and left me benighted
(the good thing was no spooning)
I was once very lucky at the tables, got comped a room so as I might loose all those rubles
A pissed-off drunk fellow
F,k a gambler once told me I had the nack, the I stayed in and lost it all back
Man eating talus and oversized oulder have been my bane, Is it Friday? Yet?
I am acting out , like that ain't insane!
Ever run into a blue man ? There are more than two, man, I here tell that at least one climbs
Very well , when the best climb it is hard to tell how hard.the route is
The show they take on the road is the same as what stays in Vegas .
There are so many smart people who climb That it kind reminds you of
The gu'berment
We have a cast that is amazing when you think of any production
We have Oscar winners, and partical colliders
A big tree took root in Ohio when you realize the heights the sheer beauty of the sites
You realize that saints escaped Long Islands
Trouble sure cracks us all up the hardest seem to live in Wyoming ?
That is almost as boring as Shaker Heights, where most of the population
Is like on Thorazine
It is flat in Ohio and a lot of the mountain states have Great Plains as well
Texas ? any one still vist big bend for climbing?
This is more or less half baked, a fallen cake that is a good bakers mistake!
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matisse
climber
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Feb 26, 2015 - 10:35pm PT
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Hey Will Nicholls how the ef are you?
Long time.
Sue H
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Prod
Trad climber
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Feb 27, 2015 - 06:16am PT
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Hey Survival,
Will, Unibonger does not check in around here too much. I found that one and bumped it as well as posted it to his facebook so he'd see it.
Anyway, he told me that story when it was still somewhat fresh in 90 or 91ish.
Prod.
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