The Legend of Klaus


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NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 10, 2006 - 01:44am PT
- Klaus has 2 speeds - walk and kill.

 God wanted 10 days to create the Earth. Klaus gave him 6.

 Every year on his birthday, Klaus randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 Klaus travelled back in time to save President Kennedy. He jumped in front of the Magic Bullet and destroyed it with his pecs. Kennedy was so amazed, his head exploded.

 The Klaus family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.

 Klaus named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

 Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Klaus, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Klausi.

 The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Klaus and forgot to pay him back.

 When Klaus was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Klaus!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

 In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Klaus could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 Klaus can count backwards from infinity.

 Klaus is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 Klaus has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

 Klaus does not sleep. He waits.

 Helen Keller's favourite color is Klaus.

 It takes Klaus 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 Klaus lost his virginity before his dad did.

 When Klaus sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Klaus has not had to pay taxes ever.

Jan 10, 2006 - 01:47am PT

Trad climber
Jan 10, 2006 - 01:54am PT
Klaus went to a covenant in the mediterannean and had sex with all the nuns. They later gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated NFL team.

Klaus can make women orgasm simply by looking at them and saying, "boo-ya"


Big Wall climber
Yosemite area
Jan 10, 2006 - 02:04am PT
Are we talking about the same Klaus here?

As I recall, all it took was boo.


Trad climber
Portland, Oregon
Jan 10, 2006 - 02:05am PT
Von Klaus never answers questions - only represents them...

NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2006 - 02:12am PT
"As I recall, all it took was boo." WHOOOOOAAAAA!!!!

If you were to lock Klaus in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Klaus replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Klaus can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

You are what you eat. That is why Klaus's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Gym climber
berkeley, ca
Jan 10, 2006 - 02:19am PT
He said "boo." Oh my...

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:21am PT
Even though Klaus was the ruler of the entire universe and in no danger from anyone or anything, was miserable because he was still a slave to own his senses.

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:29am PT
That was a tough one to swallow, eh :-)

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:35am PT
That ploy is old and will not work anymore ....... pleasent dreams.

Yosemite Valley
Jan 10, 2006 - 02:39am PT
Those are some gushing testimonials there E-Kohleye. I didn't know you had a fan club. Where do I sign up? You are certainly my hero for draggin my fat ass up Penis In Aqua. "Look at those dicks up there in the water" as The Fish used to say........

Jan 10, 2006 - 02:45am PT
There's Eric and then there's klaus

Looks like I rattled the beast, and check out the last formating in your post.

look familiar? be careful ............

Yosemite Valley
Jan 10, 2006 - 02:48am PT
Yea, "climbing on the poop deck near the stern" Hmmmm..

Jan 10, 2006 - 10:44am PT
Always wondered why the dude soloed so much.

Now I know...

Flagstaff, AZ
Jan 10, 2006 - 11:14am PT
this is one of the best laughs I've had from a post in a long time. It was goood... real gooood... right up until Kate said "boo". sprayed my screen with coffee i did

NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2006 - 11:29am PT
Edit: Egads! A fake klaus!

I love it! You know, I'm just rewording Chuck Norris jokes. Hobo knows. Watch:

Klaus invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Klaus coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Klaus played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Klaus is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh#t.

When Klaus plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

A man once asked Klaus if his real name is "Eric." Klaus did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Jan 10, 2006 - 11:47am PT
C'mon, klaus (the real one). You gotta admit this sh#t is pretty funny.

Thanx to yo and hobo for the laffs.

Social climber
The Deli
Jan 10, 2006 - 12:22pm PT


Trad climber
cayucos california
Jan 10, 2006 - 12:23pm PT
Klaustomy Bag...

Trad climber
Jan 10, 2006 - 12:38pm PT
Klaus can touch MC hammer.

Klaus also ate three large pizzas from the pizza deck in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
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