The Legend of Klaus

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yo

climber
NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 9, 2006 - 10:44pm PT
- Klaus has 2 speeds - walk and kill.

 God wanted 10 days to create the Earth. Klaus gave him 6.

 Every year on his birthday, Klaus randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 Klaus travelled back in time to save President Kennedy. He jumped in front of the Magic Bullet and destroyed it with his pecs. Kennedy was so amazed, his head exploded.

 The Klaus family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.

 Klaus named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

 Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Klaus, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Klausi.

 The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Klaus and forgot to pay him back.

 When Klaus was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Klaus!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

 In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Klaus could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 Klaus can count backwards from infinity.

 Klaus is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 Klaus has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

 Klaus does not sleep. He waits.

 Helen Keller's favourite color is Klaus.

 It takes Klaus 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 Klaus lost his virginity before his dad did.

 When Klaus sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Klaus has not had to pay taxes ever.
klaus

Big Wall climber
San F*#kincisco
Jan 9, 2006 - 10:45pm PT
Gimme a fu-cking break as-shole, you forgot the most important part of how, in my spare time, I attack Cargo and/or Tanker ships off the coast of Indonesia in the Malacca Straights. I wait until the ship leaves Singapore and heads for "International Waters". I am safe there as there are no rangers in international waters. After I climb onto the poop deck of the VLCC near the stern I subdue the crew with a parang and steer the vessel to a familiar port.

Then the Master is thrown over board along with his useless cronies he calls "crew". I then unload the precious cargo worth $2.3 Million US$ into another awaiting tanker while my subbies paint over the ships name with a new one like "USS FUC-TARD". Then I proceed to turn it into a "Ghost-Ship" running Drugs and Illegal immigrants all over the South China Sea, never going back to port. Very lucrative indeed.

It's a good life.
WBraun

climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 10:47pm PT
klausical
hobo

Trad climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 10:54pm PT
Klaus went to a covenant in the mediterannean and had sex with all the nuns. They later gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated NFL team.

Klaus can make women orgasm simply by looking at them and saying, "boo-ya"

Holdplease2

Big Wall climber
Yosemite area
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:04pm PT
Are we talking about the same Klaus here?

As I recall, all it took was boo.

-Kate.
healyje

Trad climber
Portland, Oregon
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:05pm PT
Von Klaus never answers questions - only represents them...
yo

climber
NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2006 - 11:12pm PT
"As I recall, all it took was boo." WHOOOOOAAAAA!!!!


If you were to lock Klaus in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Klaus replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Klaus can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

You are what you eat. That is why Klaus's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Melissa

Gym climber
berkeley, ca
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:19pm PT
He said "boo." Oh my...
WBraun

climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:21pm PT
Even though Klaus was the ruler of the entire universe and in no danger from anyone or anything, was miserable because he was still a slave to own his senses.
WBraun

climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:29pm PT
That was a tough one to swallow, eh :-)
klaus

Big Wall climber
San F*#kincisco
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:33pm PT
I was not yet aware how much you enjoy the swallow! What a surprise. Get your ass down here to SF! Plenty of "friends" for you, but not in my hood, you'll get clubbed (not by me).
WBraun

climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:35pm PT
That ploy is old and will not work anymore ....... pleasent dreams.
klaus

Big Wall climber
San F*#kincisco
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:37pm PT
no ploy, just a suggestion for your lifestyle. Awhh, downt' git mad mister braun we'is only trying to help 'ya.
Walleye

climber
Yosemite Valley
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:39pm PT
Those are some gushing testimonials there E-Kohleye. I didn't know you had a fan club. Where do I sign up? You are certainly my hero for draggin my fat ass up Penis In Aqua. "Look at those dicks up there in the water" as The Fish used to say........
WBraun

climber
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:45pm PT
There's Eric and then there's klaus

Looks like I rattled the beast, and check out the last formating in your post.

look familiar? be careful ............
Walleye

climber
Yosemite Valley
Jan 9, 2006 - 11:48pm PT
Yea, "climbing on the poop deck near the stern" Hmmmm..
pc

climber
Eastside
Jan 10, 2006 - 07:44am PT
Always wondered why the dude soloed so much.

Now I know...
klaus

Big Wall climber
San F*#kincisco
Jan 10, 2006 - 08:06am PT
I was wondering when that would happen. Supprised it wasn't sooner.
nature

climber
Flagstaff, AZ
Jan 10, 2006 - 08:14am PT
this is one of the best laughs I've had from a post in a long time. It was goood... real gooood... right up until Kate said "boo". sprayed my screen with coffee i did
yo

climber
NOT Fresno
Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2006 - 08:29am PT
Edit: Egads! A fake klaus!

I love it! You know, I'm just rewording Chuck Norris jokes. Hobo knows. Watch:



Klaus invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Klaus coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Klaus played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Klaus is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh#t.

When Klaus plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

A man once asked Klaus if his real name is "Eric." Klaus did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
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