I need some jokes - short ones.

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Robb

Social climber
Cat Box
Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
This one's for Werner...
A Guru walks up to a hot dog stand.
After a moment he looks at the guy and says
"Make me one with everything"
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Feb 17, 2019 - 03:24pm PT
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 17, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,

'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 22, 2019 - 01:39pm PT
My children visited today...

In the course of conversation, the subject of aged care came up. I said
that if the situation arose where I was dependent on a machine and fluid
supplied from a bottle, please 'pull the plug'.

They then got up, unplugged the computer and threw my wine out.

Little bastards!
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Feb 22, 2019 - 06:26pm PT
two dudes walking down the street past a dog licking its nuts.

first guy: "dang, I wish I could do that!"

second guy: "lick a dog's nuts?"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 1, 2019 - 08:25am PT
Dentist: Do you want helium?

Patient: Will it kill the pain?

Dentist: No, but when you scream it's funny.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 1, 2019 - 09:53am PT
They are a terrific-looking couple, but neither one wanted to "go all the way"on just their second date.

capseeboy

Social climber
portland, oregon
Mar 1, 2019 - 12:36pm PT
A man complains to his doctor that his vitality for sex is weak. Doctor tells him to start exercising by walking ten miles a day, for ten days, and call him back. Ten days goes bye and he calls his doctor. Doc asks him if his vitality for sex has improved. Guy replies it's not any better and he's a hundred miles from home.
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2019 - 11:37pm PT
At her husband's funeral, the widow just manages to contain her tears.

A man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Sure, go right ahead." She says.

The man stands, says "plethora", and sits again.

"Thanks" the woman says, "that means a lot."
neebee

Social climber
calif/texas
Mar 2, 2019 - 12:45am PT
hey there say, ...

saw this in my neighbor's magazine, of joke collections:


thought it was very different, for a change:


here it is:

ONE day, refrigerators will take their revenge.
They will BURST into your bedroom in the middle of
the night... SWITCH the light on,
STARE at your for a few minutes,

and then:

leave...
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 2, 2019 - 05:28am PT
At LaunderLand, in the office, in the lost and found box,
the weekly meeting of Socks Without Partners...

Argyle shares the same old nightmarish scene:

"The last time I remember seeing my partner
is the last time I remember anything.
We had just been thrown into dryer number 4."


Furthermore:

On the chalkboard in the classroom,
an exclamation point was having it out with a question mark...

"Maybe I wouldn't have such a temper if you'd make up your mind
once in a while!"

"I just wish you were more punctual, I guess."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Mar 2, 2019 - 07:36am PT
I hope this isn't a repeat.....

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 2, 2019 - 10:11am PT
The boss arrives at the office to find his blonde office worker sobbing hysterically.

Asking what's wrong, she says "I just got a phone call (sob), my mother died."

"That's terrible" says the boss, "why don't you take the day off and collect yourself?"


"No (sniff, sniff) It will take my mind off of the tragedy to stay at work."

So she gathers herself and the boss goes about his business.


Later in the morning, the boss goes to check on her & finds her sobbing hysterically again.

"Now what's wrong?", he asks.


"I got another phone call (sob, sob), from my sister- her mother died too!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 2, 2019 - 10:21am PT
There are three blondes and one brunette hanging onto a rope after a climbing mishap.

They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't,
the rope will break and everyone will die.

No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech,
ending with the words, "I'll let go."

The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Mar 2, 2019 - 10:28am PT
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Mar 13, 2019 - 05:49pm PT
An apple a day
Will keep anyone away
If thrown hard enough
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
Mar 14, 2019 - 06:47am PT
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "Well, what do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a life saver".
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Mar 14, 2019 - 07:22am PT
My wife phoned me at work today, she said "Have you been experiencing any unexplained stabbing pains in your chest, like someone is sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"

I thought for a minute then replied "No I don't think I have"

She was silent for a couple of seconds then said "How about now......?"
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Mar 14, 2019 - 10:35am PT
Wino, we want jokes, not confessions.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Mar 14, 2019 - 11:14am PT
☘☘Irish Jokes Need Not Apply☘☘


An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three Bushmill's, a fine Protestant beverage.

After he has put them down the hatch, the barman says to Paddy, "That's not like you, Paddy. You’re normally a Guinness man!”

Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had me first ever blowjob!”

Great!” says the barman. “Have another one on the house!”

To which Paddy replies, “No thanks. If three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”

And my own ending, esp. for U, Reilly...

And the barman, aghast, says, "That's not funny, lad. You need to go to confession!"


A friend was recently diagnosed with Irish Alzheimer's.

His doctor explained that he was going to lose his memory of everything but his grudges.
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