I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 981 - 1000 of total 1019 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
Pennsylenvy

Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
R: Why did the chicken blow donald trump?

A: To see if he could get to the other side of the road
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
yeah You never can tell what sort of riff-raff might be lurking, better not post any email ee type information . . . hows the air up there?

guessing your not going to be in touch but Gnome ofthe Diabase the whole thing no spaces or capital letters, ampersand G mail dot com.

i saw, "Orphanator" so true, terribly so true> Making innocents into sociopaths, mass murders of women & children, out of kidnapped children. The DeVose Family is profiting off the carnage and will be stealing the kids left over for their private armies...
No,No,Exit
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 26, 2018 - 09:06pm PT
Hey, thanks guys, that was great to get the addresses. If any of you are in the area please let me know and we'll do something.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:12pm PT


Before I get killed, know this is 'satire'!!!!!!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:14pm PT
To redeem myself from the above:

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:42pm PT
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.

The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer, and so on.

The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says

'You guys need to learn your limits.'

clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 27, 2018 - 02:37pm PT
From my daughter Rachel;



What is a homeless person's favorite food?


Corn on the curb.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jul 28, 2018 - 10:15pm PT
A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500mph and 33000 feet when an F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

Deciding to show off, the young fighter pilot radioed the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, vertical climb. He finished with a sonic boom in a steep dive.
The young F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 500mph, and finally the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee with a cinnamon roll and then secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Aug 2, 2018 - 05:55pm PT
Chinese sick leave

Ho Chow calls into work and says "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Aug 6, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:08pm PT
Diner: "I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts, and I'm a vegan. What can I get?"

Waiter: "The f outta here."

(Thx Guido)
edit--I don't suppose, on second thought, that it's a very funny joke. I mean, here's this poor guy, allergic to nature's bounty...but then, he's a vegan by choice, so that's lame...gee, maybe I should delete...nah, maybe someone will think twice before posting a lame joke...aw, just f it.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
Rodney:

“I hadda rough childhood, rough I tell ya! My dad took me to the zoo.
They thanked him for returning me.”. <rim shot>
looks easy from here

climber
Ben Lomond, CA
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:48pm PT
mfm, easy fix: just change it from "I'm allergic to..." to "I don't eat..." That takes it instantly from unfortunate to jackassery.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 6, 2018 - 08:04am PT
easy for you to say...


Soviet Jokes

A frightened Ivan came to the KGB.

"My talking parrot has disappeared," he said.

"This is not our case," says the KGB, "go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me," says the man. "Of course I know I have to go to the
criminal police. I am here just to tell you officially that I
disagree with my parrot."

Following his visit to the KGB, Ivan went to a shop for some food.

"You have no meat?" he asked the sales lady.

"No," she said. "We haven't any fish. The shop across the street is out of meat. They had parrot yesterday, though."
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
Oct 6, 2018 - 09:33am PT
Mouse, that server joke is gold.

I was up all night wondering where the sun went...

Then it dawned on me.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 17, 2018 - 10:16am PT
Credit: Winemaker
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Oct 17, 2018 - 11:36am PT
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 17, 2018 - 01:11pm PT

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
clode

Trad climber
portland, or
Oct 17, 2018 - 02:39pm PT
Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, even as a child. When he was born, the doctor smacked him on the back. He found out later the nurse got in a few whacks too.

His Dad took him to the zoo, hoping his real parent would claim him.

When he was playing in his sand box, the cat kept trying to cover him up.

The day he got lost at the beach, he asked the cop trying to help him find his parents, he asked the cop, "Do you think we'll find them?". The cop said, "I dunno kid, there's so many places they could hide".
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 18, 2018 - 01:27pm PT
Toward the end of his Sunday church service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?
“Ninety-eight." he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them as#@&%es" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
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