I need some jokes - short ones.

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Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:30pm PT
Wino, I appreciate your kind offer. ST PM doesn’t work. I get up there fairly regularly so maybe I can pick it up in poison? Is El Tapatio still cranking out tortillas in Toppenish? BITD they had a little food stand too - best burritos evah! You had to know it was there - many of my homies were from Yakima.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:37pm PT
Hey Reilly, if you're heading this way let me know. Yeah ST PM is not the best. I sort of stay out of Toppenish unless I need gas; the murals drive me nuts. I hesitate to publish email stuff, so if you're going to be in the area post something; here is good and I'll give you an email address.
Pennsylenvy

Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
R: Why did the chicken blow donald trump?

A: To see if he could get to the other side of the road
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
yeah You never can tell what sort of riff-raff might be lurking, better not post any email ee type information . . . hows the air up there?

guessing your not going to be in touch but Gnome ofthe Diabase the whole thing no spaces or capital letters, ampersand G mail dot com.

i saw, "Orphanator" so true, terribly so true> Making innocents into sociopaths, mass murders of women & children, out of kidnapped children. The DeVose Family is profiting off the carnage and will be stealing the kids left over for their private armies...
No,No,Exit
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 26, 2018 - 09:06pm PT
Hey, thanks guys, that was great to get the addresses. If any of you are in the area please let me know and we'll do something.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:12pm PT


Before I get killed, know this is 'satire'!!!!!!
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:14pm PT
To redeem myself from the above:

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:42pm PT
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.

The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer, and so on.

The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says

'You guys need to learn your limits.'

clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Jul 27, 2018 - 02:37pm PT
From my daughter Rachel;



What is a homeless person's favorite food?


Corn on the curb.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jul 28, 2018 - 10:15pm PT
A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500mph and 33000 feet when an F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

Deciding to show off, the young fighter pilot radioed the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, vertical climb. He finished with a sonic boom in a steep dive.
The young F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 500mph, and finally the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee with a cinnamon roll and then secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Aug 2, 2018 - 05:55pm PT
Chinese sick leave

Ho Chow calls into work and says "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Aug 6, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:08pm PT
Diner: "I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts, and I'm a vegan. What can I get?"

Waiter: "The f outta here."

(Thx Guido)
edit--I don't suppose, on second thought, that it's a very funny joke. I mean, here's this poor guy, allergic to nature's bounty...but then, he's a vegan by choice, so that's lame...gee, maybe I should delete...nah, maybe someone will think twice before posting a lame joke...aw, just f it.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
Rodney:

“I hadda rough childhood, rough I tell ya! My dad took me to the zoo.
They thanked him for returning me.”. <rim shot>
looks easy from here

climber
Ben Lomond, CA
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:48pm PT
mfm, easy fix: just change it from "I'm allergic to..." to "I don't eat..." That takes it instantly from unfortunate to jackassery.
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