I need some jokes - short ones.

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looks easy from here

climber
Ben Lomond, CA
Sep 12, 2018 - 01:48pm PT
mfm, easy fix: just change it from "I'm allergic to..." to "I don't eat..." That takes it instantly from unfortunate to jackassery.
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 6, 2018 - 08:04am PT
easy for you to say...


Soviet Jokes

A frightened Ivan came to the KGB.

"My talking parrot has disappeared," he said.

"This is not our case," says the KGB, "go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me," says the man. "Of course I know I have to go to the
criminal police. I am here just to tell you officially that I
disagree with my parrot."

Following his visit to the KGB, Ivan went to a shop for some food.

"You have no meat?" he asked the sales lady.

"No," she said. "We haven't any fish. The shop across the street is out of meat. They had parrot yesterday, though."
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
Oct 6, 2018 - 09:33am PT
Mouse, that server joke is gold.

I was up all night wondering where the sun went...

Then it dawned on me.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 17, 2018 - 10:16am PT
Credit: Winemaker
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Oct 17, 2018 - 11:36am PT
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 17, 2018 - 01:11pm PT

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
clode

Trad climber
portland, or
Oct 17, 2018 - 02:39pm PT
Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, even as a child. When he was born, the doctor smacked him on the back. He found out later the nurse got in a few whacks too.

His Dad took him to the zoo, hoping his real parent would claim him.

When he was playing in his sand box, the cat kept trying to cover him up.

The day he got lost at the beach, he asked the cop trying to help him find his parents, he asked the cop, "Do you think we'll find them?". The cop said, "I dunno kid, there's so many places they could hide".
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 18, 2018 - 01:27pm PT
Toward the end of his Sunday church service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?
“Ninety-eight." he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them as#@&%es" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
zBrown

Ice climber
Oct 18, 2018 - 07:59pm PT
From the wall above the urinal

Don't look here the joke is in your hand

Short enough for ya?
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Oct 18, 2018 - 08:17pm PT
I need some DNA - short ones

Sorry, wrong thread.
JC Marin

Trad climber
CA
Oct 18, 2018 - 10:29pm PT
What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?

Dude...this music sucks man.
EdwardT

Trad climber
Retired
Oct 19, 2018 - 08:20am PT
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Oct 19, 2018 - 09:04am PT

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Oct 19, 2018 - 09:21am PT
“If you like to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map.”


What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Outside the Asylum
Oct 30, 2018 - 06:13pm PT
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a northern university.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, somebody made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided on an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they met to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, on crutches, and with various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and with an IV drip in the other arm.In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus ... Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 30, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
So, I'll bite. Who's there?
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:24pm PT
oh sorry about that...

"knock knock"…
Mouse "who's there?"
"Bat"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
Bat. So what?
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:27pm PT
Batter open the door. Happy Halloween!
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