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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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May 12, 2018 - 07:26am PT
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 12, 2018 - 08:53am PT
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JEFF ROSS: CANADIAN PORNO
Watched a Canadian porno movie yesterday. That was cool -- two girls, one Stanley Cup.
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Rollover
climber
Gross Vegas
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May 12, 2018 - 11:44am PT
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What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 13, 2018 - 07:48am PT
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JOHNNY BIG HEAD
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No, you don't, Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
JIM NORTON: POSITIVE PROFILING
We just don't like negative profiles. You've never heard anyone complain about a positive profile. 'Hey uh, is that your kid? He looks kinda smart.' 'Whoa, whoa, whoa, him? No, no -- his mother drank the entire time she was pregnant with him.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 13, 2018 - 08:06am PT
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GOD'S DEAD DOG
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
AMY SCHUMER: FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 08:37am PT
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What does an Italian bumble bee sound like. Buzza, buzza, buzza.
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 08:57am PT
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Hey, did you hear the latest about Tammy Faye Bakker ?
They took all hear make-up off and found Jimmy Hofa underneath.
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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May 13, 2018 - 08:59am PT
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The Indians finally caught the Lone Ranger and staked him out in the village to torture.
He asked if he could have cigarette before they began, and started furiously blowing smoke signals.
Suddenly, Tonto came charging into the village, threw a naked woman on top of him, and kept going.
The Lone Ranger yelled "Damit Tonto! I said posse, P-O-S-S-E!"
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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May 13, 2018 - 10:06am PT
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First Day At Harvard Vinny Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University.
On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library. He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said,
"Hey piasano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?"
The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?"
"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian. "Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa as#@&%e?"
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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May 13, 2018 - 12:08pm PT
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thank you thank you Thank You.
Laughing so hard I fell off the chair and broke my middle finger.
I'm on my way to the E.R.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 13, 2018 - 09:48pm PT
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeep says "you're in here pretty often, think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am', but to explain that part first would be to put Descartes before the horse.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 14, 2018 - 07:20pm PT
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LISA LANDRY: NOT READY FOR CHILDREN
My husband wants a baby. He's older so he's ready to have a baby. I'm not ready at all. I'm too irresponsible; I'd make a horrible mother. I'd probably forget to pick the kid up from therapy.
CHRIS HARDWICK: RESPECT FOR LATINOS
I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 15, 2018 - 02:58pm PT
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 15, 2018 - 07:01pm PT
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RICHARD LEWIS: LET IT OUT
If you make love -- if you're lucky enough to have a partner -- let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 06:54am PT
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TWO SOUTHERN LADIES
Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says, "When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady says, "When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says,''well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says, "So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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May 18, 2018 - 07:06am PT
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One evening after dinner, a five year old boy asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"
His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied the boy for a moment,
but then he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
His father figured a simple explanation would be best the best approach.
"Well son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
The boy burst out laughing. "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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May 18, 2018 - 04:47pm PT
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Whats the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 18, 2018 - 06:49pm PT
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A college professor reminded her class of the importance of the final exam.
'I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write on the test paper with your other hand.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 09:29pm PT
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KRISTIAN VALLEE: EXTRA CREDIT
Kids are chasing me down. 'Mr. Vallee, Mr. Vallee, what can I do for extra credit?' 'Jimmy, you got 98% in my class, OK? Unless you got Salma Hayek or a bottle of Captain Morgan in your backpack, I can't do anything for you.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 18, 2018 - 09:30pm PT
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MIKE VECCHIONE: DON'T MIX
I was bad in algebra because I like my letters in words. I like my numbers in problems. I don't like them mixed. Some things in my life I like on their own, I don't like them mixed. I like gay people. I like porno. I do not like gay porno. For the same reasons that I don't like algebra: I don't know what plugs into where for what reasons.
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