I need some jokes - short ones.


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Gym climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 11:58pm PT
Ed is getting his yearly physical.
The doc goes "Ed, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Ed pauses...

"Really doc? Why is that?"

"Cause I'm trying to give you an eye exam..."

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 12:44am PT
"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow"

"Interrupting c--"

Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Vancouver Canada
Jul 2, 2010 - 10:11am PT
Why do mice have such small balls ?

Only a few of them know how to dance....

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:35pm PT
After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"

Another pipes in, "I resent that!"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I am an as#@&%e."

What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?

A dead poodle, split in half.

mike bodine

bishop, ca
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:54pm PT
what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?


Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:21pm PT
For Nature.......

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????

........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..

Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
Jul 2, 2010 - 03:38pm PT
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

pick it up and blow it

Trad climber
Fresno CA
Jul 2, 2010 - 04:55pm PT
How do you get two violists to play in tune?

Shoot one.

Mighty Hiker

Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:05pm PT
Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.

Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:28pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 05:33pm PT
"I got me one of them ant farms?

Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"

--Mitch Hedberg

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:13am PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 11:28am PT
I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I had my coathangers spayed.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"


Mountain climber
Jul 3, 2010 - 01:57pm PT
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Neither, the rooster did, the chicken is still waiting...


Trad climber
Tel Aviv
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:17pm PT
Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.


Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 3, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
Chicken and an egg are lying on a bed. The egg is sobbing, and the chicken is smoking a cigarette, Chicken says, "Well, that answers that question"

Trad climber
greater Boss Angeles area
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:25pm PT
"Wnere do you think I got the twelve inch pianist?"

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:32pm PT
^^Dude - I already said that one! ^^

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Hey, buddy! Why the long face?"

Where does the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!

Mountain climber
Jul 3, 2010 - 04:56pm PT
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer...

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no fvcking eye deer...

And told by my four year old yesterday:
How do birds learn to fly?
They just wing it...

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