I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 41 - 60 of total 295 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
matisse

climber
Jul 1, 2010 - 07:53pm PT
So Twilight is like the world cup: they run around for hours, no one ever scores, and a billion fans tell you that you just don't understand.
Scared Silly

Trad climber
UT
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:38pm PT
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Go fuk yourselves


(Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=271gItFZFEw);
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:52pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
k-man

Gym climber
SCruz
Jul 1, 2010 - 08:58pm PT
Ed is getting his yearly physical.
The doc goes "Ed, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Ed pauses...

"Really doc? Why is that?"

"Cause I'm trying to give you an eye exam..."
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 1, 2010 - 09:44pm PT
"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow"

"Interrupting c--"

"MOOOO!!!!"
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Vancouver Canada
Jul 2, 2010 - 07:11am PT
Why do mice have such small balls ?




Only a few of them know how to dance....
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
Jul 2, 2010 - 10:35am PT
After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"

Another pipes in, "I resent that!"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I am an as#@&%e."

What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?

A dead poodle, split in half.

mike bodine

climber
bishop, ca
Jul 2, 2010 - 10:54am PT
what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?









full.
Pennsylenvy

Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
Jul 2, 2010 - 11:21am PT
For Nature.......


Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????

















........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..
Evel

Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
Jul 2, 2010 - 12:38pm PT
how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?



pick it up and blow it
JEleazarian

Trad climber
Fresno CA
Jul 2, 2010 - 01:55pm PT
How do you get two violists to play in tune?




Shoot one.


John
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:05pm PT
Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.
Gary

climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:28pm PT
I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.
MisterE

Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
Jul 2, 2010 - 02:33pm PT
"I got me one of them ant farms?

Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"


--Mitch Hedberg
Rokjox

Trad climber
Boys I'dunno
Jul 3, 2010 - 12:53am PT
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor', he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,


"Which service...the 8:30 or the 11:00 ?"


Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 07:13am PT
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
































Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .
Reeotch

Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
Jul 3, 2010 - 07:22am PT
The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 08:28am PT
I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.


Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I had my coathangers spayed.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"

http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
socialclimber

Mountain climber
CA
Jul 3, 2010 - 10:57am PT
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Neither, the rooster did, the chicken is still waiting...

Charles
Weenis

Trad climber
Tel Aviv
Jul 3, 2010 - 11:17am PT
Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.

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