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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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"I just lost an electron."
"Are you share?"
"I'm positive."
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Hoots
climber
Mammoth Lakes, CA
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What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?
The Stones are famous for singing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud", while the Scottish sheep farmer is better know for yelling, "Hey, McCloud! Get off my EWE!"
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
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Mar 17, 2016 - 09:08am PT
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Gimme five beers."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Mar 19, 2016 - 09:50pm PT
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A frog parked in a no parking zone.
He got toad.
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Rock!...oopsie.
Trad climber
the pitch above you
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Mar 28, 2016 - 02:08pm PT
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Donald Trump is given the ability to talk to past presidents for advice (presumably by whoever put the massive OT blue buttplug on the moon, but I digress).
He starts at the beginning - Washington. Washington tells him "never tell a lie - always be truthful". Jefferson tells him "Spread liberty everywhere. All men should live under conditions of maximal personal liberty." Lincoln tells him "Go to the theater."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Mar 29, 2016 - 05:53am PT
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I heard the Energizer Bunny was charged with battery.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 29, 2016 - 08:58am PT
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I first posted this one in a Pate thread on how to identify someone who is not from your state. http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1199354&msg=1199709#msg1199709
I find that some well-traveled people, like Donini, are able to tell not only what state people are from, but where they attended college.
Donini was drinking and having fun with some younger members at an AAC meeting.
After a while, he pointed to a climber and said: “You went to school at Stanford, right”?
The climber smiled and said: “Yes, I did, but how do you know”?
Donini said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers, and I have gotten pretty good at guessing where they went to school.
A while later, he pointed to another climber and said: “You went to Dartmouth, right?”
Again, that climber asked Donini how he knew his school.
Donini smiled, and said: “I travel a lot, and have met a lot of well-educated climbers. After that, it is pretty easy for me to guess where they went to school.”
A few drinks later Donini pointed to Pate and said: “Pate did you go to school at Boston College?”
Pate replied: “Maybe, but why do you think I went to Boston College?”
Donini replied: “It was an easy guess. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Apr 26, 2016 - 03:39pm PT
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a young woman goes to her small-town physician and explains she recently noticed two strange green areas, one on each thigh.
The physician asks to see the green areas, and upon excamination & some thought says: "I remember you introducing your boyfriend to me at the country club a few weeks back." "He's a gypsy isn't he?"
The young lady says: "Why yes he is a gypsy."
"Tell him his earrings aren't gold."
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james Colborn
Trad climber
Truckee, Ca
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Apr 26, 2016 - 04:16pm PT
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What do you call a woman who marries a hippie?
Misseshippie
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guyman
Social climber
Moorpark, CA.
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Apr 26, 2016 - 04:57pm PT
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Things were getting very tight money-wise in the Jones household.
To help out, Mrs Jones agreed to go out and street-walk, you know turn some tricks.
She came home after the first night and declared, I made two hundred dollars and twentyfive cents!!!!!!
Mr. Jones askes "who gave you the twenty five cents?"
WHY ALL OF THEM, DEAR.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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May 11, 2016 - 10:00am PT
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It's not short but I wrote it...
'The Little Blue Book'
Around the water cooler at a job site this utility worker says;
"So there's this guy. He's at work and his wife finds his little black book in the laundry...
She's looking at all of the names and phone numbers. There's about two pages of phone numbers, business contacts, friends, etc.
But on page three there's only a list of phone numbers with no names.
Like number one, then a phone number.
Number two, then a phone number. And so forth...all the way down for two more pages.
There's at least 80 or a hundred phone numbers with no names.
So she starts calling all these numbers...
And all these women start answering at the other end of the line.
The wife goes out and gets a little blue book.
And she fills it up cover to cover with the names and phone numbers of men that she gets out of the white pages.
Then she leaves it on the kitchen table under her coffee cup.
So this guy, the husband, he comes home from work.
Can't find his wife.
She doesn't answer her cel phone.
Couple hours go by he still can't reach her.
He sees the little blue book.
Flips through and starts calling numbers.
"I don't know any Maria" they all say when they answer.
"Yea right" he's thinking.
He storms through the house looking for some sign of her.
Her car's gone.
Her clothes and luggage... gone.
He looks in the little blue book again and flips to the last page and sees a question mark with a phone number.
He calls the number...
And gets the voicemail for their attorney."
-bushman
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Gilroy
Social climber
Bolderado
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May 11, 2016 - 10:20am PT
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What kind of plant does a guy get his best buddy & male BFF?
A bromeliad.
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Camahoo
Trad climber
Dead Pine Ridge, Ca
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May 11, 2016 - 04:34pm PT
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I use to be a practicing necrophiliac until that rotten cvnt split on me.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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May 20, 2016 - 03:30pm PT
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^^^ eewwwww
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
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Edge
Trad climber
Betwixt and Between Nederland & Boulder, CO
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May 20, 2016 - 07:12pm PT
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What did the buffalo say when they loaded her young bull in the back of an SUV?
"Fvkking tourists..."
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Tom
Big Wall climber
San Luis Obispo CA
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May 21, 2016 - 02:56am PT
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Three other guys and a Mexican are car-pooling home after work.
The Mexican guy pulls out a beer while they are driving, and cracks it open.
The driver says, "HEY! What are you doing? That's illegal!!!!!"
The Mexican guy says, "Yeah, well, I'm illegal, my family is illegal, my entire existence is illegal. I'm gonna drink some illegal beer."
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boomin
Trad climber
vermont
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May 21, 2016 - 09:36am PT
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Drove down to the pub to have a few with some friends. Ended up having a great time but got really smashed. As I was leaving the pub I thought, i'm in no shape to drive my car home. So I took a bus. I made it home OK ...which is amazing cause I've never driven a bus before.
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mtnyoung
Trad climber
Twain Harte, California
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At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Topic Author's Reply - Jun 3, 2016 - 12:22pm PT
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Dummy Donald Dummy Drumpfs fingers
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dikhed
climber
State of fugue and disbelief
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probably already posted but I don't give a f*#k
Go to the urinal, look down into hand
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