I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 261 - 280 of total 366 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
hairyapeman

Trad climber
Fres-yes
Jul 11, 2013 - 01:54am PT
A termite walks into a bar and ask's "Where's the bar tender?"....
nature

climber
Boulder, CO
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 11, 2013 - 02:02am PT
manzanita man +1 LOL!

goatboy smellz too!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:15am PT
"Although I've never read a book all the way through, I'm sure excited to write one," Short joked in a statement. He added, "I havenít named my book yet, but Iím toying with the title If Iíd Saved, I Wouldn't Be Writing This."--Martin Short in an article, well, most of an online article, on the Splitsider comedy website


What do you call a dog with no legs (besides Shorty)?

It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Wherever you left him.
stich

Trad climber
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jul 11, 2013 - 08:55am PT
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?








Because the pee is silent.
tooth

Trad climber
B.C.
Jul 11, 2013 - 09:09am PT
A friend's mom actually told me this story from last week.

She was in Canada shopping for something for her son and daughter-in-law's baby shower.


She wanted something Canadian. Maybe one of those cute little canadian hats, but she couldn't pronounce toque.

She asked some guys who sent her to a pot shop. I guess she pronounced it toke!
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:40pm PT
Two lawyers are walking down a street when they see a very attractive lady walking on the other side.

The first lawyer says, "I think I would like to fvck her!"




The second replies, "Outta what?"
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Jul 11, 2013 - 03:47pm PT
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He asks the Cardinal, "What's a four letter word for a woman that ends in u-n-t?"

The Cardinal says, "Aunt."

The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:13pm PT
What is the best time to visit the dentist?

Two-thirty.
Patrick Sawyer

climber
Originally California now Ireland
Jul 11, 2013 - 04:15pm PT
Me. I am the biggest joke. I never meant that to be, but...
Magic Ed

Trad climber
Nuevo Leon, Mexico
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:17pm PT
Guy walks into a bar with a giant frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" The frog answers "New Jersey, there's millions of 'em"
goatboy smellz

climber
Nederland-GulfBreeze
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:23pm PT
A lawyer, a doctor, and a statistician go out duck hunting one day.

Some ducks come flying by and the lawyer pops up and shoots, way right and misses.

The doctor takes aim and shoots, way left, misses.

The statistician pumps his fist in the air and said. "We got one!".
WyoRockMan

climber
Flank of the Bighorns
Jul 11, 2013 - 05:24pm PT
^^^^Good one!



Why do lawyers wear neckties?



Keeps their foreskin from popping out of their shirt.
WTF

climber
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:03pm PT
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed..... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'


Have a good friday
speelyei

Trad climber
Mohave County Arizona
Feb 28, 2014 - 07:11pm PT
A guy walks in to a bar and sets a car battery on the floor, and a set of jumper cables on the stool. He orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says "Ok, but I don't want you starting anything in here".
Braunini

Big Wall climber
cupertino
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:22am PT
I like to mix it up with a couple of Jokes With Realistic Endings:



A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.



A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"



A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.




Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken lacks reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chickenís action was spurred by any particular motivation.
madbolter1

Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
Mar 1, 2014 - 11:48am PT
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Mar 1, 2014 - 12:27pm PT
Braunini's jokes suck.

Realistic ending?>

Braunini asks a large woman on Polk St., where is a good place to hang put and have a beer?
She replies, my place.
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Canada
Mar 1, 2014 - 01:14pm PT
Never high - five a rabbi.
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:39pm PT
A harp seal goes into a bar...

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender

"Anything but Canadian Club"
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
Mar 1, 2014 - 02:51pm PT
My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker....



Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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