I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 1021 - 1040 of total 1077 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
Toker Villain

Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
Jan 7, 2019 - 02:35pm PT
Anybody see the latest Predator.

It is directed by Shane Black who was an actor in the original '87 film. He played the guy on Arnold's team that was always cracking jokes.

In addition to directing he wrote the latest and it is surprisingly funny.

One guy (wanting to start a fight) says, "How do you circumcise a homeless man?"

"I dunno. How?"

"I kick your momma in the jaw."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jan 11, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jan 18, 2019 - 10:49am PT
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."


"Chicken Farmer it is."
Aeriq

Sport climber
100-year Visitor
Jan 18, 2019 - 06:00pm PT
Amateur mycologists may have questionable morels.
10b4me

Social climber
Lida Junction
Jan 18, 2019 - 09:50pm PT
A teacher ask a little boy to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
The little boy thinks about it, and then says "my aunt has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate"
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 19, 2019 - 08:50am PT
Did I tell you about the time Frank Sinatra saved my life?
There were these two big guys beating the crap out of me in Las Vegas, and all of a sudden Frank came around the corner and said, "That's enough, boys."
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 20, 2019 - 07:46pm PT
I was going to tell everyone a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you would get it.
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Jan 20, 2019 - 08:09pm PT
^ you need to work on your delivery
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 20, 2019 - 08:16pm PT
Ack Ack Ack


^that's a funny reply Malemute
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Jan 20, 2019 - 11:57pm PT
Excellent geek humor! I wasn't sure I got it right... you should have included a checksum.
neebee

Social climber
calif/texas
Jan 31, 2019 - 10:27pm PT
hey there say, all...


okay, hee hee, my turn:



simple innocent stuff... sorry, not to technical...
just heard these from the neighbor's page of 'old jokes' ...



1--so, a sea-gull flies over the sea...
so WHAT flies over the bay?

















a //bay'gull/ 'begal'

2--what did the bald man say, after being gifted with a comb?



















thank you... i'll NEVER part with it...
:)

3--what did the store clerk yell, when the irate customer
threw a goose?


















DUCK!


4--WHY did the chicken cross the road?


















to GET the new york times...


get it???
no... but i get the wall street journal...


5--WHY was the radish, feeling 'drawn out, and not 'in the pink'?

















it was 'HORSE'radish...

:)


6-- which SIDE of the horse, has the most hair?



















the OUTSIDE...

: )
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Feb 1, 2019 - 06:41am PT
I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.









So far nobody wants to do it.
'Pass the Pitons' Pete

Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
Feb 15, 2019 - 08:03pm PT
Q: What do you call a tenor with erectile dysfunction?

A: Flaccido Domingo.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Feb 15, 2019 - 10:56pm PT
Dear Handy Andy,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
My question: Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
tuolumne_tradster

Trad climber
Leading Edge of North American Plate
Feb 16, 2019 - 07:42am PT
Q: what is the KGB code name for Trump?












A: Agent Orange
MGuzzy

Trad climber
Orangevale
Feb 16, 2019 - 08:02am PT
I was going to tell everyone a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you would get it.

huh, I didn't get it....

There are 10 kind of people in the world.. those that understand binary and those that don't


love them tech jokes.
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Feb 16, 2019 - 10:17am PT
Credit: Fritz
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:08am PT
Calgary is a fast growing oil town and as such is frequently visited by Texans in the oil business. Many Texans believe that Texas is the biggest and the best and one such visitor got into a taxi one day and told the driver to give him a tour of the city. When they came to the Saddle Dome, the Texan asked what it was and proceeded to tell the driver how big the Astro Dome is Houston was. When they came to the University, the Texan went on at length, singing the praised of the universities in Texas. Everyplace they went the story was the same. The cab driver was getting a little bit tired of the bragging.

Then they came to the Palliser hotel, a huge hotel built many years ago by the Canadian Pacific Railway in the style of an Italian villa. The Texan asked the cabbie what this building was. The Cabbie looked at it in surprise and replied, "I really don't know. It wasn't there yesterday."
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:16am PT
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:18am PT
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
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