I need some jokes - short ones.

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Toker Villain

Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
Jan 7, 2019 - 02:35pm PT
Anybody see the latest Predator.

It is directed by Shane Black who was an actor in the original '87 film. He played the guy on Arnold's team that was always cracking jokes.

In addition to directing he wrote the latest and it is surprisingly funny.

One guy (wanting to start a fight) says, "How do you circumcise a homeless man?"

"I dunno. How?"

"I kick your momma in the jaw."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Jan 11, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jan 18, 2019 - 10:49am PT
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."


"Chicken Farmer it is."
Aeriq

Sport climber
100-year Visitor
Jan 18, 2019 - 06:00pm PT
Amateur mycologists may have questionable morels.
10b4me

Social climber
Lida Junction
Jan 18, 2019 - 09:50pm PT
A teacher ask a little boy to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
The little boy thinks about it, and then says "my aunt has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate"
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 19, 2019 - 08:50am PT
Did I tell you about the time Frank Sinatra saved my life?
There were these two big guys beating the crap out of me in Las Vegas, and all of a sudden Frank came around the corner and said, "That's enough, boys."
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 20, 2019 - 07:46pm PT
I was going to tell everyone a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you would get it.
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Jan 20, 2019 - 08:09pm PT
^ you need to work on your delivery
vo

climber
Denver, CO
Jan 20, 2019 - 08:16pm PT
Ack Ack Ack


^that's a funny reply Malemute
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Jan 20, 2019 - 11:57pm PT
Excellent geek humor! I wasn't sure I got it right... you should have included a checksum.
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