I need some jokes - short ones.

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Gorgeous George

Trad climber
Los Angeles, California
Mar 25, 2019 - 04:32pm PT
What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

You get out of the way.



The flight stewardess asked the old man if he'd like to be served dinner.

He asked "what are my choices?"

Yes or No.
hamie

Social climber
Thekoots
Mar 25, 2019 - 04:41pm PT
Here's a few questions for Anders:

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is there another word for synonym?

Can you have a civil war?

If you eat pasta and anti-pasto at the same time, will you still be hungry?
HermitMaster

Social climber
my abode
Mar 25, 2019 - 08:31pm PT
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 26, 2019 - 07:38am PT
F.Y.I.!! You pee on a jellyfish sting to ease the pain, not on a jelly stain.

My apologies again to the unfortunate lady at the waffle house this morning.
HermitMaster

Social climber
my abode
Mar 26, 2019 - 09:33am PT
aspendougy

Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
Mar 26, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
What did the Mother Buffalo say to her boy buffalo as she was dropping him off at school:

BISON
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 2, 2019 - 08:34pm PT
What did Charlie Brown say when Lucy died?

Good grief!
Inner City

Trad climber
Portland, OR
Apr 3, 2019 - 08:34am PT
What do you call a man with one rubber toe?

Roberto
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Apr 6, 2019 - 07:44am PT
Since my wife left I've got myself a 21 year old girlfriend, a new Harley Davidson and have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.

She's not going to be happy when she gets back from work tonight.....
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Apr 9, 2019 - 08:58am PT
A Roman centurion walks up to a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers," he says.
Aeriq

Sport climber
100-year Visitor
Apr 9, 2019 - 04:20pm PT
God: "What are they doing down there?"

Angel: "They are making milk from almonds."

God: "What? I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from."

Angel: "They don't like that milk."

God (sarcastically): "THEY don't LIKE that MILK." *flips table*
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 9, 2019 - 04:32pm PT
Jesus comes down to Earth in the early 21st Century and this time it's in Australia.

He's in a crowd in downtown Perth, working miraculous cures.

He approaches one man who has to support himself on crutches.

The Ozzie yells at Jesus, "Stay the f*#k away from me, mate. I'm on Worker's Comp!"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 11, 2019 - 08:40pm PT
A pun has not matured until it is full groan.

I was going to throw a space-themed party, but didn't know how to planet.

A ham sandwich goes into a bar, orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."
HermitMaster

Social climber
my abode
Apr 15, 2019 - 05:36pm PT
HBO will show a drama called Chernobyl about the nuclear power plant explosion in Ukraine thirty-three years ago. There are now plans to build a Disneyworld-type park at the waste site. The difference between Chernobyl and Disneyworld is that at Chernobyl, the six-foot-tall mouse is for real.
-Argus Hamilton
LuckyPink

climber
the last bivy
Apr 15, 2019 - 07:23pm PT
How do you weigh a millennial?




In instagrams
norm larson

climber
wilson, wyoming
Apr 23, 2019 - 07:41am PT
I can tell Iím getting older.

When I wake up Iím stiff in all the wrong places!
capseeboy

Social climber
wandering star
Apr 23, 2019 - 10:53am PT
Why does a cow wear bells?

The horns don't work.
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Apr 23, 2019 - 11:34am PT
Two Irishmen in a bar:

"So mate, when I'm dead can I count on you to pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over my grave every Saturday night?"

"Of course, old friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
May 14, 2019 - 09:30am PT
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Too Mennonite.
10b4me

Social climber
Lida Junction
May 14, 2019 - 11:32am PT


Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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