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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 26, 2019 - 07:38am PT
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F.Y.I.!! You pee on a jellyfish sting to ease the pain, not on a jelly stain.
My apologies again to the unfortunate lady at the waffle house this morning.
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HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
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Mar 26, 2019 - 09:33am PT
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aspendougy
Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
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Mar 26, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
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What did the Mother Buffalo say to her boy buffalo as she was dropping him off at school:
BISON
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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What did Charlie Brown say when Lucy died?
Good grief!
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Inner City
Trad climber
Portland, OR
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What do you call a man with one rubber toe?
Roberto
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Since my wife left I've got myself a 21 year old girlfriend, a new Harley Davidson and have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
She's not going to be happy when she gets back from work tonight.....
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A Roman centurion walks up to a bar and holds up two fingers.
"Five beers," he says.
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Aeriq
Sport climber
100-year Visitor
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God: "What are they doing down there?"
Angel: "They are making milk from almonds."
God: "What? I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from."
Angel: "They don't like that milk."
God (sarcastically): "THEY don't LIKE that MILK." *flips table*
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Jesus comes down to Earth in the early 21st Century and this time it's in Australia.
He's in a crowd in downtown Perth, working miraculous cures.
He approaches one man who has to support himself on crutches.
The Ozzie yells at Jesus, "Stay the f*#k away from me, mate. I'm on Worker's Comp!"
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Apr 11, 2019 - 08:40pm PT
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A pun has not matured until it is full groan.
I was going to throw a space-themed party, but didn't know how to planet.
A ham sandwich goes into a bar, orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."
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HermitMaster
Social climber
my abode
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Apr 15, 2019 - 05:36pm PT
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HBO will show a drama called Chernobyl about the nuclear power plant explosion in Ukraine thirty-three years ago. There are now plans to build a Disneyworld-type park at the waste site. The difference between Chernobyl and Disneyworld is that at Chernobyl, the six-foot-tall mouse is for real.
-Argus Hamilton
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LuckyPink
climber
the last bivy
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Apr 15, 2019 - 07:23pm PT
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How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Apr 23, 2019 - 07:41am PT
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I can tell I’m getting older.
When I wake up I’m stiff in all the wrong places!
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capseeboy
Social climber
wandering star
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Apr 23, 2019 - 10:53am PT
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Why does a cow wear bells?
The horns don't work.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Apr 23, 2019 - 11:34am PT
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Two Irishmen in a bar:
"So mate, when I'm dead can I count on you to pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over my grave every Saturday night?"
"Of course, old friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 14, 2019 - 09:30am PT
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Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.
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10b4me
Social climber
Lida Junction
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May 14, 2019 - 11:32am PT
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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glen prior
Trad climber
truckee, ca
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May 14, 2019 - 03:10pm PT
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...Meanwhile,out in the desert, two arabs are eating their dates...
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 14, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
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What? They ate their camels? 😱
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 30, 2019 - 03:38pm PT
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Might as well try for the last one.....
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.
"The trouble with you English is that you are so bloody stuffy ...
You set yourselves above the average person. Do you really think your stiff upper lip attitude really works… Look at me: I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
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