I need some jokes - short ones.


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Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Mar 26, 2019 - 07:38am PT
F.Y.I.!! You pee on a jellyfish sting to ease the pain, not on a jelly stain.

My apologies again to the unfortunate lady at the waffle house this morning.

Social climber
my abode
Mar 26, 2019 - 09:33am PT

Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
Mar 26, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
What did the Mother Buffalo say to her boy buffalo as she was dropping him off at school:

mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 2, 2019 - 08:34pm PT
What did Charlie Brown say when Lucy died?

Good grief!
Inner City

Trad climber
Portland, OR
Apr 3, 2019 - 08:34am PT
What do you call a man with one rubber toe?


Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Apr 6, 2019 - 07:44am PT
Since my wife left I've got myself a 21 year old girlfriend, a new Harley Davidson and have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.

She's not going to be happy when she gets back from work tonight.....

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Apr 9, 2019 - 08:58am PT
A Roman centurion walks up to a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers," he says.

Sport climber
100-year Visitor
Apr 9, 2019 - 04:20pm PT
God: "What are they doing down there?"

Angel: "They are making milk from almonds."

God: "What? I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from."

Angel: "They don't like that milk."

God (sarcastically): "THEY don't LIKE that MILK." *flips table*
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 9, 2019 - 04:32pm PT
Jesus comes down to Earth in the early 21st Century and this time it's in Australia.

He's in a crowd in downtown Perth, working miraculous cures.

He approaches one man who has to support himself on crutches.

The Ozzie yells at Jesus, "Stay the f*#k away from me, mate. I'm on Worker's Comp!"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Apr 11, 2019 - 08:40pm PT
A pun has not matured until it is full groan.

I was going to throw a space-themed party, but didn't know how to planet.

A ham sandwich goes into a bar, orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

Social climber
my abode
Apr 15, 2019 - 05:36pm PT
HBO will show a drama called Chernobyl about the nuclear power plant explosion in Ukraine thirty-three years ago. There are now plans to build a Disneyworld-type park at the waste site. The difference between Chernobyl and Disneyworld is that at Chernobyl, the six-foot-tall mouse is for real.
-Argus Hamilton

the last bivy
Apr 15, 2019 - 07:23pm PT
How do you weigh a millennial?

In instagrams
norm larson

wilson, wyoming
Apr 23, 2019 - 07:41am PT
I can tell Iím getting older.

When I wake up Iím stiff in all the wrong places!

Social climber
wandering star
Apr 23, 2019 - 10:53am PT
Why does a cow wear bells?

The horns don't work.

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Apr 23, 2019 - 11:34am PT
Two Irishmen in a bar:

"So mate, when I'm dead can I count on you to pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over my grave every Saturday night?"

"Of course, old friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
Jay Wood

Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
May 14, 2019 - 09:30am PT
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Too Mennonite.

Social climber
Lida Junction
May 14, 2019 - 11:32am PT

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
glen prior

Trad climber
truckee, ca
May 14, 2019 - 03:10pm PT
...Meanwhile,out in the desert, two arabs are eating their dates...

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
May 14, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
What? They ate their camels? 😱

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
May 30, 2019 - 03:38pm PT
Might as well try for the last one.....

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.

"The trouble with you English is that you are so bloody stuffy ...
You set yourselves above the average person. Do you really think your stiff upper lip attitude really works… Look at me: I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
Messages 1021 - 1040 of total 1042 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
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