I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 1001 - 1020 of total 1030 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:31pm PT
Twick or Tweet, baby!
Werewolf?  There wolf!
Werewolf? There wolf!
Credit: mouse from merced
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:39pm PT
What is a ghosts favorite desert?

BOO!Berry pie.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Nov 8, 2018 - 07:09pm PT

Did you know Oranges are actually male or female.
If it squirts in your eye without warning, itís a male. And if itís bitter for no f*#king reason, itís a female.



Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 8, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
As the salesman settled in to his seat, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman, ever, boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "

"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said,

"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Nov 11, 2018 - 05:13pm PT

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Nov 11, 2018 - 05:17pm PT
Wino wins this round.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Nov 12, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
What did the Japanese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?





















Supplies!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Dec 26, 2018 - 09:48pm PT
Scientists crossed a Guernsey with an octopus
and got a self-service cow.

They crossed a rabbit with a skunk
and got a dirty look from the rabbit.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Dec 26, 2018 - 10:20pm PT
match.com hooked up a climbing guide with a Harvard law grad.
She said, ďSo much for THAT bull pucky!Ē
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Dec 27, 2018 - 01:56am PT
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they just beat the room for being black.
"Only" six cars responded.  Waiting on the fire trucks for ten minutes...
"Only" six cars responded. Waiting on the fire trucks for ten minutes. Not funny.
Credit: mouse from merced

Food groups for the LE Community--
Jelly, powdered, glazed and chocolate frosted.

Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Dec 27, 2018 - 09:15am PT
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle. He turns to the Cardinal and asks, "What's a four letter word for woman that ends with 'unt'?"

The Cardinal says, "Aunt."

The Pope says, "Got an eraser?"
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Dec 27, 2018 - 09:27am PT
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."
He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay?"
Mtnmun

Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
Dec 27, 2018 - 03:07pm PT
Why do golfers wear two pears of pants?




In case they get a hole in one!
clifff

Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
Jan 5, 2019 - 02:59pm PT
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I didn't like my mustache at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Velcro -- what a rip off!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Jan 5, 2019 - 03:24pm PT
No Respect for Rodney

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!"

"I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive."
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jan 5, 2019 - 03:32pm PT
I can only reply with a cartoon.

Credit: Fritz
Jim Brennan

Trad climber
Jan 5, 2019 - 10:24pm PT
Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber
Out Of Bed
Jan 6, 2019 - 07:26am PT
Have you heard the one about The United States of America, once a shining city upon a hill; a of beacon light for the world, a guide to freedom-loving people everywhere."
That got trumped and is now The Evil Empire?
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Jan 6, 2019 - 01:06pm PT
Rodney Dangerfield:
I tell ya, my wife don't respect me. I was out of town for a week. When I came back and pulled into the driveway, three guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says...
"Get the Hell out, her husbands home."
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Jan 6, 2019 - 06:22pm PT
Credit: thebravecowboy
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