I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 1001 - 1019 of total 1019 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
zBrown

Ice climber
Oct 18, 2018 - 07:59pm PT
From the wall above the urinal

Don't look here the joke is in your hand

Short enough for ya?
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Oct 18, 2018 - 08:17pm PT
I need some DNA - short ones

Sorry, wrong thread.
JC Marin

Trad climber
CA
Oct 18, 2018 - 10:29pm PT
What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?

Dude...this music sucks man.
EdwardT

Trad climber
Retired
Oct 19, 2018 - 08:20am PT
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Oct 19, 2018 - 09:04am PT

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Oct 19, 2018 - 09:21am PT
ďIf you like to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map.Ē


What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Mighty Hiker

climber
Outside the Asylum
Oct 30, 2018 - 06:13pm PT
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a northern university.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, somebody made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided on an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they met to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, on crutches, and with various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and with an IV drip in the other arm.In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus ... Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Oct 30, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
Credit: Winemaker
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
So, I'll bite. Who's there?
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:24pm PT
oh sorry about that...

"knock knock"Ö
Mouse "who's there?"
"Bat"
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
Bat. So what?
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:27pm PT
Batter open the door. Happy Halloween!
mouse from merced

Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:31pm PT
Twick or Tweet, baby!
Werewolf?  There wolf!
Werewolf? There wolf!
Credit: mouse from merced
fragglerockjoe

Trad climber
space-man from outer space
Oct 31, 2018 - 05:39pm PT
What is a ghosts favorite desert?

BOO!Berry pie.
clinker

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
Nov 8, 2018 - 07:09pm PT

Did you know Oranges are actually male or female.
If it squirts in your eye without warning, itís a male. And if itís bitter for no f*#king reason, itís a female.



Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 8, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
As the salesman settled in to his seat, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman, ever, boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "

"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said,

"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Nov 11, 2018 - 05:13pm PT

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Nov 11, 2018 - 05:17pm PT
Wino wins this round.
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Nov 12, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
What did the Japanese janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?





















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