I need some jokes - short ones.

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Messages 1001 - 1020 of total 1069 in this topic << First  |  < Previous  |  Show All  |  Next >  |  Last >>
NutAgain!

Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
Jan 20, 2019 - 11:57pm PT
Excellent geek humor! I wasn't sure I got it right... you should have included a checksum.
neebee

Social climber
calif/texas
Jan 31, 2019 - 10:27pm PT
hey there say, all...


okay, hee hee, my turn:



simple innocent stuff... sorry, not to technical...
just heard these from the neighbor's page of 'old jokes' ...



1--so, a sea-gull flies over the sea...
so WHAT flies over the bay?

















a //bay'gull/ 'begal'

2--what did the bald man say, after being gifted with a comb?



















thank you... i'll NEVER part with it...
:)

3--what did the store clerk yell, when the irate customer
threw a goose?


















DUCK!


4--WHY did the chicken cross the road?


















to GET the new york times...


get it???
no... but i get the wall street journal...


5--WHY was the radish, feeling 'drawn out, and not 'in the pink'?

















it was 'HORSE'radish...

:)


6-- which SIDE of the horse, has the most hair?



















the OUTSIDE...

: )
Gary

Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
Feb 1, 2019 - 06:41am PT
I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.









So far nobody wants to do it.
'Pass the Pitons' Pete

Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
Feb 15, 2019 - 08:03pm PT
Q: What do you call a tenor with erectile dysfunction?

A: Flaccido Domingo.
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Feb 15, 2019 - 10:56pm PT
Dear Handy Andy,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
My question: Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
tuolumne_tradster

Trad climber
Leading Edge of North American Plate
Feb 16, 2019 - 07:42am PT
Q: what is the KGB code name for Trump?












A: Agent Orange
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Feb 16, 2019 - 10:17am PT
photo not found
Missing photo ID#552733
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:08am PT
Calgary is a fast growing oil town and as such is frequently visited by Texans in the oil business. Many Texans believe that Texas is the biggest and the best and one such visitor got into a taxi one day and told the driver to give him a tour of the city. When they came to the Saddle Dome, the Texan asked what it was and proceeded to tell the driver how big the Astro Dome is Houston was. When they came to the University, the Texan went on at length, singing the praised of the universities in Texas. Everyplace they went the story was the same. The cab driver was getting a little bit tired of the bragging.

Then they came to the Palliser hotel, a huge hotel built many years ago by the Canadian Pacific Railway in the style of an Italian villa. The Texan asked the cabbie what this building was. The Cabbie looked at it in surprise and replied, "I really don't know. It wasn't there yesterday."
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:16am PT
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:18am PT
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
IntheFog

climber
Mostly the next place
Feb 16, 2019 - 11:17pm PT
A Newfie walks into a hardware store, finds a clerk and says, "I can cut down ten trees a day with my axe, but it's killing my arms. Do you have anything that will help me cut down more?"

The clerk shows the Newfie a chainsaw, and tells him he'll be able to cut down forty trees a day easy, and his arms won't hurt at all. The Newfie is so impressed he pulls out his wallet and buys it on the spot (using Canadian dollars!).

Late the next afternoon, the Newfie storms in, slams the saw down, leans over the counter and picks the clerk up. Pulling him half over the counter, the Newfie yells at the clerk: "You lied to me. You said I could cut down forty trees a day with this thing. I've been out there all day. I've only cut down fifteen trees and my arms are dead."

"It might be broken," says the clerk. "Let me take a look." He takes the chainsaw off the counter, puts it on the ground and pulls the starter cord.

The Newfie looks at him, puzzled, and says, "What's that noise!?"
Larry Nelson

Social climber
Feb 17, 2019 - 11:36am PT
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
originalpmac

Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
A teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
He replies, "I was riding in the car with my dad the other day and we passed a house being painted by a woman. My dad said it's going to take that cvnt ages to finish that house."
Robb

Social climber
Cat Box
Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
This one's for Werner...
A Guru walks up to a hot dog stand.
After a moment he looks at the guy and says
"Make me one with everything"
Ksolem

Trad climber
Monrovia, California
Feb 17, 2019 - 03:24pm PT
How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 17, 2019 - 04:14pm PT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,

'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 17, 2019 - 04:59pm PT
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Winemaker

Sport climber
Yakima, WA
Feb 22, 2019 - 01:39pm PT
My children visited today...

In the course of conversation, the subject of aged care came up. I said
that if the situation arose where I was dependent on a machine and fluid
supplied from a bottle, please 'pull the plug'.

They then got up, unplugged the computer and threw my wine out.

Little bastards!
thebravecowboy

climber
The Good Places
Feb 22, 2019 - 06:26pm PT
two dudes walking down the street past a dog licking its nuts.

first guy: "dang, I wish I could do that!"

second guy: "lick a dog's nuts?"
Malemute

Ice climber
great white north
Feb 22, 2019 - 07:58pm PT
“An ancient, nearly blind old woman retained the local lawyer to draft her last will and testament, for which he charged her two hundred dollars. As she rose to leave, she took the money out of her purse and handed it to him, enclosing a third hundred dollar bill by mistake. Immediately the attorney realised he was faced with a crushing ethical question:


Should he tell his partner?”
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