EDZILLA: Queen of the High Desert OW (OW, not OT)

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L

climber
Just surfin' the tsunami of life...
Topic Author's Original Post - Mar 4, 2010 - 06:09pm PT
So there I was...standing in the Hidden Valley parking lot, hands bleeding, tips shredded, pride MIA.





I’d just been spit off of Sphincter Quits—again—because yes, indeed, my sphincter had quit. As had my fingers, forearms, foot jams and lead head. And then my right rotator cuff started whispering nasty little words to me like arthroscopic and men in masks. Not one to ignore these gentle hints, I’d bailed on my friends and was heading to Crossroads, planning to dilute my high-gravity frustrations in an afternoon of very expensive cheap red wine.

As I slung my climbing pack into the Honda hatchback and bled more onto my once pristine white Stonemaster knickers, a strange sound assailed my ears.

I looked up. The sound came again, a bit more continuous this time.

It drifted gently through the thin Joshua Tree air, unaffected by the chill temperatures. A lilting, melodious sound, tied together with musical notes.

The strains were weaving in and out of earshot. One minute I’d hear nothing, then some bouncy, upbeat chorus would suddenly—wait a minute......I knew that sound. SHOW TUNES!

As I turned towards Intersection Rock, Hello Dolly! erupted from the chollas and Joshua trees, and sash-shayed down the road towards me. The melody was being tailgated by a dusty white VW Westfalia van, its windows open and streaming a dozen or more gossamer chiffon scarves in all the colors of the rainbow. As it drew closer, I was able to read the license plate: 510 OW.




So there I stood, unabashedly staring (spanked and bloody catastrophe that I was), as this apparition pulled smoothly into a parking space not three cars from me. Louie Armstrong was gravelling out “It’s so nice to have you back where you belong...” as suddenly, those diaphanous scarves were sucked back in the windows and those windows slammed shut. About this time the van’s sidedoor slid wide and various ropes, gear bags and climbing packs were methodically disgorged onto the parking lot.

It was, however, the driver of this rainbow trawler who commanded my full attention. A head covered in salt-n-peppered Weird Al Yankovic curls, a Harrison-Ford-gone-Fugitive beard covering swarthy features and, of course, owner of the OW license plate—this could be none other than the legendary Edzilla, Queen of the High Desert OW!




Like bobbypins to a cheap dimestore magnet, I was drawn to the van. Barbara Streisand belted out “I’m so glad to be back home where I belong...” as the passenger-side door swung open, and all my suspicions were confirmed. Out climbed Gaybro, legendary Valley and Balch Camp hardman, and affable run-a-muk, wearing his signature black beret and barely recognizable once pristine white Stonemaster knickers.




My chalice of rockgod sighting fantasies was full to the brim. It was to overflow.

From the bowels of 510 OW came a battalion of off-width luminaries the like I’d never seen before. Squeezin’ Yorkie—the famous Bay Area squeeze-master, who could squeeze into the smallest OWs imaginable.




Puffy b—the legendary City of Rocks honemaster, whose amazing ability to inflate himself like a chuckwalla had kept him safe and snug in many a desperate off-width crux.




Halfdomeupyernose—the iconoclastic inverted climber extraordinaire, whose multidirectional use of feet and head was constantly making friends wonder if he was coming or going.




Ditzo—the carless legend of both Joshua Tree and Nepal, whose ability to flail up off-widths while shooting superb photographs made him a local hero in Josh and a national hero in Nepal.




And finally, Rhodochrosite—the Los Angeles Hottie, who’s other nickname was Mistress of the Off-Widths...cause she used cams instead of whips, but the pain was the same!




I stood there in mute admiration as this herd of OW heavy-weights calmly milled around the van—just like normal people. Edzilla looked up from his gear sorting, smiled and said,” You’re bleeding profusely from that one...three...make that five gobies and ruining your pristine white Stonemaster knickers. Need some tape?”

If a burning creosote bush had just spoken to me, I wouldn’t have felt more highly honored. “Oh...well...uh...thanks, but...well...no thanks—I’m done. High gravity/low backbone sort of day,” I stuttered, sounding lame even to myself.

He nodded sympathetically, almost as if he could almost understand, and went back to digging through his pack. I was thinking it would be a cold day in the Congo before any of these Paragons of the Wide would have a high gravity/low backbone sort of day, when Edzilla pulled out a little zip pack, opened it, took out five or six large band-aids and handed them to me.

“Would hate to see your pristine white Stonemaster knickers start to look like Gaybro’s,” he quipped, as Gaybro walked up. We both grinned, Gaybro grunted, and I sat down and started wrapping my lacerated appendages.




“Where you guys gonna climb today?” I asked with all the nonchalance of salivating paparazzi.

“The Wart Formation,” Gaybro muttered, deep in the task of figuring out the non-workings of the world’s smallest camera. “Puffy’s going to show us his way of climbing The Good, The Bad And The Ugly.”

“The GBU…solid Josh 10a,” I breathed in reverence. “I’ve always wanted to see someone do that thing...”

Pulling the perfectly placed band-aid from my knuckle and delicately repositioning it, I was able to keep my eyes strategically averted, hiding the painful longing those guys had probably seen a thousand times before from a thousand other star-struck OW rockgod groupies.

“Well hell,” Gaybro exclaimed, snapping closed the cover of his camera in defeat. “Come on along. The more the merrier!”

“Really?” I asked.

“Sure,” said Edzilla, “we love spectators. Only one thing...”

Gaybro and I looked at him.

“You might want to change into pants that don’t make you look like a refugee of a Freddy Krueger movie...if you know what I mean.”

And that’s how it all began: One of the greatest non-climbing climbing days of my life.

I’ve seen some gnarly route thrashing in my life, but nothing like what I witnessed that day. Those guys were pros when it came to finding the least likely quartz-monzonite candidates for the human body to ascend, and then throwing themselves with gay abandon into ascending them.













In fact, it seemed that the more painful and contorted the climbing became, the happier that troupe became.




Raspberries, gobies and vertical roadrash were badges of honor—and they were all honored many, many times over the course of those 5 hours.

Now, just for the record, off-width was the bane of my climbing existence. I called them Offal-Width for a reason. I’d never been in one that didn’t hurt like the devil, nor had I ever been in one that didn’t scare me silly, even on toprope. Thus my adoration of the BA/JTWC was solidified and enhanced by the smooth way they each made The Good, The Bad And The Ugly look like a cake walk...a piece of park...easy as pie with a no-cook crust.




And then they proceeded to display the same flawless technique and dauntless courage with several other Jaws of Death, filling what would have been a dismal day (for me) with jovial camaraderie.





As the light was fading and the wind picking up, we packed up and slowly made our way back to the parking lot. It was one of the best days of my life as an OW voyeur. There’d been a lot of laughing, climbing, and BITD story-telling; I felt I’d made some wonderful, down-to-earth friends. As the day had worn on, I’d eventually figured out where Gaybro got his nickname: the guy was upbeat and lively as a stand-up comedian. And Puffy b: once I saw that amazing chuckwalla inflating thing he did at the crux, the reason for his nickname too became quite obvious. That left me with only one burning question...

So it was that not long after we got back to Edzilla’s van, I asked the question which had been frying my neural circuitry all day. “Edzilla,” I said, “why do they call you Queen of the High Desert OW? Is it because of all the off-widths you FA’ed on Queen Mountain? Or was it that one at Queen Ranch? The one that’s illegal to climb? Don’t worry—I’d never tell a soul!”

Edzilla gazed at me for a long moment, pondering something. In the fading twilight, his eyes held a devilish twinkle in them. He transferred his gaze to Gaybro and raised his eyebrows.

Gaybro stared back at him, then looked at me, then at Puffy b, who’d just walked up and set his pack down. Puffy b looked at Gaybro, then at me, then finally at Edzilla.

“What’s up?” he queried.

“LSD wants to know why I’m known as Queen of the High Desert OW,” Edzilla replied, a mysterious grin beginning to curve his lips.

Puffy b looked at me, then at Gaybro, who was grinning too, then back at Edzilla. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, I think you should tell her. I mean, why not?” he said, sounding very much like Eddie Haskell.

Gaybro gave a Snidely Whiplash sort of chuckle, something I’d never heard him do before. It made me laugh. “Maybe we should show her instead.”

“LSD, have you ever been to Disco Nights—there in the back of the JT Saloon?” Edzilla asked.

“JT Saloon...the place with toothless women and meth heads?” I shuttered.

“No, no—Disco Nights. It’s in the back. Exclusive private club. You have to be a member or accompany one to get in.”

As the last rays of the setting sun burnished the faces around me, I shook my head and innocently replied, “Nope. Never even heard of the place.”

“Get in your car, LSD, and follow us,” said Edzilla, jumping into the 510 OW. “It’s time to create a myth.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~


So there I was...sitting alone at a dingy little table in a dingy dark hole-in-the-wall—the backroom of the JT Saloon. “Disco Nights Private Club” said a dimly lit sign above the dingy little bar.

Disco Nights my ass, I thought belligerently as I slurped down my second Gold Cadillac. It’s dark. It’s seedy. I hear mumbling voices all around me but can’t see a damn thing. And Edzilla and the boys disappeared almost 20 minutes ago, telling me to sit tight while they “made a phone call”. What a bunch of shite.

I was getting that uncomfortable feeling of the dupe who’s left to foot the dinner bill after his newly acquired friends have dined and dashed...only...well, it wasn’t exactly like that, because I was the only one who’d done any ordering. I took another slug of my margarita and sunk further down in my chair. Well, I thought philosophically, if I’m gonna get hazed, I’m glad I’m getting hazed by the best off-width climbing—

Suddenly, about a thousand colored strobes started flashing around the room, shredding the darkness like lightsabre shrapnel. The armpit of despair transformed itself into Saturday Night Feverland—I had to quickly shield my eyes from the painful brilliance.

The theme from Rent filled the air just one octave below deafening.

Through the cracks between my fingers, I watched as footlights blazed up on a tiny stage not fifteen feet from my table, a stage previously hidden in the stygian darkness. And then...

much to my utter amazement...

out onto that tiny stage...

strutting and sash-saying...

came a woman...

came a...

no—not a woman!

NO—it couldn’t be!

OMG! It was!

Edzilla, Queen of the High Desert OW!!!




He was decked out in corset and French stockings. His face was shaved and so were his legs!

And he was immediately followed by—Gaybro!




And after Gaybro came—Puffy b!






Well, I won’t bore or excite you with the details, but just let me say that those bay-area cross-dressing off-widthers know how to party! It was a night to end all nights, what I recall of it, which isn’t much. I stopped counting after the third margarita, and starting dancing on the tables after the fourth. People came and went in a hallucinogenic haze, similar to that scene from Zoolander with the Little Kings and Matilda and Owen Wilson and the sherpa. I don’t remember anything after the conga line...but damn—those BAWC guys had moves that put RuPaul to shame!

I awoke the next morning around 10am, sprawled on the couch at The Compound. I had no idea how I got there, and silently prayed to the god of Hondas that if I did drive there, that I hadn’t driven over anyone along the way.

My mouth tasted like a litterbox and recycled tequila. I had a strange desire to lie on that couch for a week or two...maybe longer.

“Here, you need this.”

Edzilla was standing above me, holding out a mug of steaming coffee. With herculean effort, I pushed myself somewhat upright, reached out a shaky hand and took the mug…then slowly raised it to my shaky lips and took a shaky sip. Aaaahhhhh…Starbucks to the rescue.

“You gonna live?” he asked amicably, sitting down in a chaise across the room from me with his own cuppa joe.

“Jury’s still out,” I croaked, trying to crack a smile, but cracking my face instead. We sipped our reviving beverages in silence for a few minutes, then I glanced over at him.

“That’s amazing.”

“What?” he asked.

“Your beard...last night.”

Edzilla was looking at me rather curiously.

“You guys...jeez...I would never have guessed...” I shook my head, which hurt like hell, and trailed off as a flashback from the evening—Edzilla in high-heels and French stockings—blazed through my soggy brain.

“Never have guessed what?” he asked, eyebrows slightly raised.

Looking at him over the brim of my cup, I chuckled. “Never would’ve guessed that guys who climb hideous off-widths like you bad-asses do would dig dressing up in women’s lingerie and dancing around on stage in that stuff.”

He stared at me for a full minute, his brow slowly drawing down. Finally, in a slightly puzzled tone, he said, “LSD, I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”

I thought he was pulling my leg and began to giggle. “Last night. Drag Queens. You in stiletto heels and a corset. Gaybro in a g-string. It boggles the mind...”

My giggling died away in the face of his continued frowning.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, this time more perturbed than puzzled. He glanced away from me as Gaybro walked in and sat down.

“You know, cross-dressing. Puffy b in a tutu...” I trailed off, the words starting to sound strangely perverted in the light of day.

Edzilla and Gaybro were staring at me. Very deliberately, Edzilla said, “I don’t know what you’ve been smokin’, LSD, but we sat here last night drinking Sooze’s margaritas and watching a movie. All of us. All night.”

He sounded dead serious, and looked it, too. Like living on the fault-line when the San Andreas shifts, I felt my reality hiccup. I swung my legs over the edge of the couch and slowly sat up.

“Are you saying we didn’t go to Disco Nights last night after climbing and dance till dawn?” I asked incredulously.

“Disco what?” Edzilla and Gaybro said in unison.

“The private club—in back of the JT Saloon...” I replied slowly, looking from one to the other of them.

“You couldn’t get me to go into the JT Saloon for love or money,” stated Edzilla quite simply. “Ever.”

“Yeah, that place is filled with toothless women and meth heads, from what I hear,” Gaybro tossed in.

The theme from The Twilight Zone was growing louder in my head. I felt somewhat like a drowning person going down for the third time. I heard movement behind me in the kitchen, but couldn’t take my eyes from the two frowning faces staring at me.

“So you guys....didn’t dress up last night...in push-up bras and barely-there panties—?”

Edzilla cut me off without ceremony. “LSD, every single one of us sat here the entire evening watching that abysmal B-grade flick ‘Pricilla, Queen of the Desert’. The highlight of the night was when you downed an entire pitcher of margaritas and had a violent vomit-fest in the far-too-near bathroom, which—I might add—we were all able to hear far too well. The aftermath of that gay interlude was you being thrown fully clothed in the shower to save this home from contamination…after which you somehow managed to find your incoherent way to that couch and proceeded to pass out and snore loudly. End of story.”

“Last night was pretty sedate,” tossed in Gaybro. “One might even say boring.”

It took a moment for these words to sink in—more than a moment, actually—but eventually they made it through the boneyard of dead brain cells to the part of my neocortex which registered chagrin, humiliation and unadulterated mortification. I stared at them. They stared at me. I slowly nodded, the blood starting to creep into my face.

I’d fabricated the entire thing. Whether from REM sleep or alcoholic stupor, I’d dreamed up a scenario so ludicrous as to border on dementia. I attempted to laugh, but nothing came out.

Where can you go after telling an OW climbing icon that you just dreamed about him in 5” stilettos and women’s panties? Best to just crawl back in your wormhole and pull the dirt in over your sightless head.

I left JTree shortly after that. Another day of climbing with the LA friend I’d initially arrived with didn’t sound like fun, and hanging out at The Compound wasn’t in the cards, that was for sure. Although the other BAWC were as amiable as ever, I was pretty certain they’d been apprised of my perverted cross-dressing fantasy and were viewing me as the freakish pariah I was. I said my goodbyes as quickly as possible—I couldn’t even look at Edzilla—and hit the road.

It was a long, humbling drive back to Los Angeles, and this was the outcome:

1. I swore off ever drinking tequila again.
2. I swore off ever even drinking again.
3. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was persona non grata with the BAWC, so I swore off ever climbing in NorCal again—although I’d only done it once, years ago.
4. I also swore off climbing OW anywhere—not that I could climb OW anyway, because I sucked at it—but I didn’t want to take the chance of encountering one of them somewhere there in JTree or anywhere in the world and renew the humiliation.
5. Since Sooze and Russorilla would find out about my perversion (not to mention the blitzkrieged bathroom episode), I swore off ever going to The Compound again, too.

In other words, there was a lot of swearing going on during that drive back to the city. I felt lower than naked molerat droppings. Vacillating between utter despair and utter humiliation, I figured I would probably not recover for years...if ever. That whole crew thought I was a perv, and what was worse—I thought I was a perv. Yessiree...naked molerat droppings...that’s me, I thought to myself...and drove off into the Californication sunset.




Epilogue


Two weeks later I received an email from Edzilla. It was simple and to the point. It said:

LSD—you show a lot of promise.

Here’s the photo Gaybro took of you during your Don’t Cry For Me solo—one of the best in the bunch. Yep, you show a lot of promise.

But you have to learn to keep a low profile, especially at The Compound. We were sort of poaching The Fish’s territory, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for a sizzling evening. Let’s do it again next spring.

Edzilla






The End




Disclaimer: This is a work of complete and utter fiction. Any similarities to past or present persons either living or dead is just a happy accident or unfortunate coincidence depending on your orientation and I don't mean sexual. All names are fictitious as are all nicknames and stagenames. All names have been changed to protect the identities of the fictional characters this story isn’t actually about. All photos were from either Gaybro, Squeezin' Yorkie, Edzilla, Rhodochrocite or MisterT-Fool! and couldn't be individually credited because my inconvenient memory leaves a lot to be desired and I apologize if you didn’t see your fictitious name attached to one of your photos. All non-climbing photos were poached from the Internet and are fairly easy to source if one of them turns you on enough to search for her/him. For a plethora of reasons I won’t bore you with it has taken me a year to honor my commitment to get around to finishing this thing and as such it will very likely be considered my swan song. No animals were harmed in the writing of this story nor were any off-width climbers or dingy dive tabledancers injured as it is purely fictional and therefore of no danger to anyone. If you are under the impression that any part of this story is about you or has anything to do with you or your heirs or might be construed as something relevant to you in any way shape or form you are incorrect. I made it up. Totally. Every word. Hope you laughed. Thank you.
mucci

Trad climber
The pitch of Bagalaar above you
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:15pm PT
HA!

Nice compilation!
scuffy b

climber
Where only the cracks are dry
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:29pm PT
Worth the Wait.
Nice twists and turns, there.

Lower than naked mole rat droppings, indeed.

A tour de Force, sez I.
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:31pm PT

Where's the SHARK????????


YAY, L, our puddy tat, is BACK!!!!!!

(you need to follow those boyses out to the Boogaloo at
Vedawoo this summer, ms. L!!!!!

OW HEAVEN!!!!
JEleazarian

Trad climber
Fresno CA
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:32pm PT
Too funny -- and very clever.

Thanks for the entertainment.

John
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:32pm PT
I knew it. I just knew it!

Off-width masters, My Ass.

I mean, I've known for quite a while that the jstan avatar is actually a group of Japanese schoolgirls carrying on something that started as a project for an English class, but although I worshiped the abilities of the BAWC, there was always a tiny doubt whispering in the back of my mind.

You know, the doubt that goes, "I've tried to climb off width cracks, and never been able to move one inch. So how is it possible that I'm so useless and these guys are so god-like?"

Well, I'm happy to see the truth come out. I knew nobody could really climb that sh#t.

Next step is to dig a little bit and find out who is really behind the TKingsbury avatar. Hah! Probably some overweight mall-shopping-cart wrangler from Miami, living out a total fantasy.
L

climber
Just surfin' the tsunami of life...
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 4, 2010 - 06:37pm PT
The truth is always stranger than fiction, Ghost!



Glad you guys were entertained. I was laughing myself stupid a times...don't ask me why. ;-)
divad

Trad climber
wmass
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:42pm PT
Hey L, thanks for the fun read!
Mungeclimber

Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
Mar 4, 2010 - 06:54pm PT
fact or friction
howlostami

Trad climber
Southern Tier, NY
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:03pm PT
hilarious! thanks for sharing!
Phil_B

Social climber
Hercules, CA
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:05pm PT
Two bloody thumbs up!!
Mighty Hiker

climber
Vancouver, B.C.
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:16pm PT
Wonderful!

And, of course, it may be that physics is known as the queen of sciences for a reason.
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 4, 2010 - 07:23pm PT
Good one, Mighty Hiker! I'd never thought about that parallel before...
Lynne Leichtfuss

Sport climber
Will know soon
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:25pm PT
You're a gifted writer L.
donini

Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:27pm PT
Great! Really funny, reminds me of that weekend in.......
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 4, 2010 - 07:28pm PT
LOL! Thanks Lynne--hope you laughed and didn't get toooooooo embarrassed. ;-)







Edit: Go ahead and TELL, Jim! I don't mind thread-drift. Not from someone like you! ;-))
onyourleft

climber
Smog Angeles
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:52pm PT
Another L-Cat CLASSIC!
You are good, really good.
Please don't say it's your swan song.
This virtual pot-luck supper is all bland casseroles until you show up with the gourmet 6-course offering.
Loved it, L

More?
Please more?
Chiloe

Trad climber
Lee, NH
Mar 4, 2010 - 07:55pm PT
Now that it's on the Internet, it is true!
It happened just like you said, pictures prove it.
Anyone can see through that lawyer-talk at the end.
steelmnkey

climber
Vision man...ya gotta have vision...
Mar 4, 2010 - 08:00pm PT
That was good!

Shouldn't that be G'heybro ?

Fritz

Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
Mar 4, 2010 - 08:17pm PT
Very nice L!

I need to read this again after some "nerve tonic."

So many new thoughts and images for an Idaho guy to work through.

Thank Goddess for the etchings of my moral magnet mentor, Sheridan: that guide me.

Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 4, 2010 - 08:32pm PT
Gosh! Now the secret is out!
click click click

There's no place like home, no place like home....
survival

Big Wall climber
A Token of My Extreme
Mar 4, 2010 - 08:35pm PT
Sweet Dizzle My Nizzle!

What a great write up Miss L, you've got it going on!
bobinc

Trad climber
Portland, Or
Mar 4, 2010 - 09:27pm PT
Outstanding.

"High gravity/low backbone day", indeed!!
Doug Robinson

Trad climber
Santa Cruz
Mar 4, 2010 - 09:33pm PT
Welllll....

that cat is out of the closet.

And with a writer of your adroitness holding the door, I'd be tempted to prance on out too.

As my mentor the Checkered Demon would fondly say, "nice!"
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Mar 4, 2010 - 09:48pm PT
how could I be anything but honored...

hey Jaybro, I didn't leave that necklace with you, did I?
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Mar 4, 2010 - 10:47pm PT
L, oh L. Where the hell have you been all my life!!!!!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 5, 2010 - 01:08am PT
That will just be, 'our' secret, Ed.
Clint Cummins

Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
Mar 5, 2010 - 01:49am PT
Great stuff (definite out-loud laughs here) - L, thanks for sharing!

You had me at Gaybro.
But then the description of Mr. York was spot-on! (I've heard it personally!)
Wayno

Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:36am PT
That is dope stuff.(In my best Johnny Carson voice)
Daphne

Trad climber
Mill Valley, CA
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:41am PT
Hahahahaha! lower than naked molerat droppings! Why, I've felt that way m'self!

Excellently done, L. Thanks for the effort you put into this great piece.

p.s., phone call comin', I swear!
Fish Finder

Social climber
THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
Mar 5, 2010 - 09:31am PT


Dear L,

You are wickedly funny !

Has anyone ever called you a "little prick" ?


For me that group photo is what this (Supertopo) is all about.
The smiles and laughs and good times when we get together.

Best, Gregg
eeyonkee

Trad climber
Golden, CO
Mar 5, 2010 - 09:37am PT
That's some funny sh#t! Thanks L.
Double D

climber
Mar 5, 2010 - 10:55am PT
way 2 funee!
pyrrhonota

Trad climber
Davis, CA
Mar 5, 2010 - 11:13am PT
Thanks for the TR, it was great!
goatboy smellz

climber
लघिमा
Mar 5, 2010 - 11:44am PT
I’m stunned, speechless, & slightly aroused.
Phantom X

Trad climber
Honeycomb Hideout
Mar 5, 2010 - 11:46am PT
Is this literature available in hardcover?
scuffy b

climber
Where only the cracks are dry
Mar 5, 2010 - 11:53am PT
I gotta say, Puffy looks good in white.

And that Yorkie...better behave yourself, just in case...
Phantom X

Trad climber
Honeycomb Hideout
Mar 5, 2010 - 12:02pm PT
He looks jet-puffed through and through!
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 5, 2010 - 01:03pm PT
Ed, all honors go to you and the BA/JTWC. A serious good time was had that day almost a year ago, and I've never before hung with such a fun-loving, hard-climbing crew...who were so welcoming of a virtual stranger.


Thanks for taking the fabricated evening entertainment in good stride. I figured you'd either laugh at the preposterousness of the whole thing...or turn green with envy and have to get a feather head-dress like that of your own. ;-)



xoxo
L
steelmnkey

climber
Vision man...ya gotta have vision...
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:33pm PT
How come no JT wide lovefest this year?
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:39pm PT
How come no JT wide lovefest this year?

Hmmmm. What are you really looking for there, Greg? Off-Width, or Off-Limits? I'm already planning my costume for my next JT trip, but someone's going to have to give me the password to get me into that back room.
Jim E

climber
away
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:43pm PT
Great job, L. Single best ST post in a very long time.
Thanks!
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Mar 5, 2010 - 02:44pm PT
Ghost, I think you just slip those ruby pumps on, close your eyes and click your heels together three times while repeating "there's no place like home" and the rest will happen
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Mar 5, 2010 - 03:03pm PT
Ghost, I think you just slip those ruby pumps on

What about long red underwear? I was out on ST long before L outed you guys. Maybe that should get me grandfathered in as some kind of Desert Queen Emeritus or something. (Or do I put a few frills on the undies and hope to get grandmothered in?)

Remember my Definitive Canadian climbing & underwear thread? ( http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=759442&msg=759442#msg759442 )

I gotta admit L one-upped me with this latest adventure, but for a while I thought that my underwear thread was one of the high points of ST reportage.

See you in the back room, honey.


Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Mar 5, 2010 - 03:04pm PT
Soon it will be that hardly anyone can go down to Joshua Tree because the dress code will be too demanding. The Southern Sierra Domes will get really busy.
Ricardo Cabeza

climber
All Over.
Mar 5, 2010 - 03:04pm PT
I'm thinking along the lines of 'Best Post Ever'.

Had me laughing out loud, repeatedly.

Thanks, L.
Chiloe

Trad climber
Lee, NH
Mar 5, 2010 - 05:02pm PT
I’d just been spit off of Sphincter Quits—again—because yes, indeed, my sphincter had quit.

So here's the unresolved mystery from the opening of this perfectly clear thread:
How did Sphincter Quits do LSD so much harm?
My dim recollection from one trip up that rig is of placing a laughable amount of bad gear at the crux (yes, my second laughed) but I don't recall any flesh-eating jams. If there had been, wouldn't my gear have been better?

Or was there a fall involved?
TKingsbury

Trad climber
MT
Mar 5, 2010 - 05:12pm PT
:D

brought on some big smiles!

thanks!
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 5, 2010 - 05:31pm PT
Hahahaha! Chiloe, you read the fine print at the end! It was all fiction! Well, most of it, anyway. I just pulled SQ from my quiver cause the name made me laugh and worked as an opening.

I was out there that day with all those great folks--that's the only nonfiction part of the story, but I didn't climb a lick because of a back injury.

Soooooo...read the fine print! ;-)




Ghost: I'm beginning to think I've just made all your cross-dressing wide-climbing dreams come true...heh-heh-heh...

Wanna borrow that dress of mine?
Chiloe

Trad climber
Lee, NH
Mar 5, 2010 - 05:36pm PT
Arghh, trolled again! I'm so literal.
Chiloe

Trad climber
Lee, NH
Mar 5, 2010 - 05:44pm PT
And of course I did read the it's-all-fiction disclaimer, but (having been imprinted at a younger age by Gödel Escher Bach) I took the disclaimer to be self-referential like "This sentence is false." ;-)
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 5, 2010 - 06:36pm PT
RC, TK, PH...jeez, thanks you guys. Always love making my readers laugh.



Now...just for the record: That last photo is FAKE. ;-)
Jello

Social climber
No Ut
Mar 5, 2010 - 07:01pm PT
Sounds like the truth, L, even if it didn't happen! What a great story. I'll never again be able to think of any of those characters in anything but drag...hahaha...Gaybro!!! INDEED!!!

-Jello
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 5, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
Yeah, but Jim...Edzilla only had gnarly off-widths and drag queens in it. There were no trolls or controvery...so what do you expect? ;-)
dktem

Trad climber
Temecula
Mar 5, 2010 - 08:04pm PT
I don't recall any flesh-eating jams. If there had been, wouldn't my gear have been better?

Or was there a fall involved?


I've been wondering that also.

Zander

Trad climber
Berkeley
Mar 5, 2010 - 08:07pm PT
Perhaps the best trip report ever! Who knew you needed a wide stance to climb the wide?
Thanks L.
Zander
em kn0t

Trad climber
isle of wyde
Mar 5, 2010 - 08:36pm PT
fookin' OWWWsome, L --
you've captured the BAWCs in a NUT shell - incredible insights into their "True Colors"...

hats (and other random items of clothing) off to you!!!

L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 5, 2010 - 11:45pm PT
The Mighty Em has finally weighed in!

I told those guys I wouldn't tell if they'd pay me off...but they could only scrap together a buck seventy-five...and a latte at Starbucks is $4.80 plus your firstborn...so...I TOLD. Hehehe!




Got to admit they do look good in heels, don't they? ;-)
MH2

climber
Mar 6, 2010 - 12:04am PT
I know who could've wrote that, if he were a woman, and alive today. Raymond Chandler.

I don't really know those people but thanks to you, L, now I feel I know them better than they know themselves.
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 6, 2010 - 12:51am PT
Raymond Chandler?!?! Dang MH2...you just gave me THE BIG HEAD! Gads...I'll never get to sleep now...I love Raymond Chandler...uh oh...I feel my cranium starting to swell...I'm already at 8.25 hat size...it'll be a 10 tomorrow...gads! ;-)
Tarbuster

climber
right here, right now
Mar 6, 2010 - 11:57am PT
Stellar noodlins'...
Thanks for the ride!
Fletcher

Trad climber
The beckoning silence
Mar 6, 2010 - 01:21pm PT
Insta-Classic! Perfect bit o' sunshine reading on a rainy morning! Thanks for another great one, L!

Eric
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Mar 6, 2010 - 07:29pm PT

Bump for a classic. . .


Wish I'd been there!!!!!!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 7, 2010 - 02:26am PT
"Now...just for the record: That last photo is FAKE. ;-)"


Well, perhaps exagerated....

"She just wanna lay in bed all night,
Reading Raymond Chandler..."
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Mar 7, 2010 - 02:27am PT
what? her tail is longer than that?
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 7, 2010 - 11:44pm PT
LOL Pate! You are one funny guy!
L

climber
Hangin' by a thread and lookin' for my wings
Topic Author's Reply - Mar 8, 2010 - 12:03am PT
Dang it Ghost...people would think I'm bragging about myself again.

It's bad enough that you're lusting after my drag queen chiffon dress...now you're trying to get me to look like a complete...er...never mind. ;-)
cleo

Social climber
Berkeley, CA
Mar 8, 2010 - 12:54am PT
AH! Now that explains the true meaning of the W I D E Fetish website

Women
In
Dude
Exteriors


Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 8, 2010 - 02:33am PT
Bwah!
justthemaid

climber
Jim Henson's Basement
Mar 8, 2010 - 07:27am PT
Yes- I'm on pins and needles for the sequel.
Peter Haan

Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
Mar 8, 2010 - 09:49am PT
L, also I was hoping Ed would have been prettier....
Captain...or Skully

Social climber
mun jae upso yo
Mar 8, 2010 - 09:50am PT
Haha!
Cleo's comment is pretty funny, too.
Ricardo Cabeza

climber
All Over.
Mar 8, 2010 - 10:01am PT
Cleo, too funny!

Wide=

Wallers
Instigating
Domestic
Ex-communication
pc

climber
Mar 8, 2010 - 11:01am PT
Awesome L!
kev

climber
A pile of dirt.
Mar 8, 2010 - 03:33pm PT
Bump for climbing
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 23, 2010 - 10:20am PT
Possibly funnier thaan the first time,
Thanks LSD, Gaybro
dickcilley

Social climber
Wisteria Ln.
Mar 23, 2010 - 03:58pm PT
I liked it. I asked Weld-it to read it and tell me what he thought of it.His comment was that it was a bit odd.
couchmaster

climber
pdx
Mar 23, 2010 - 04:15pm PT
memorable....in a disturbing way:-) Thanks for the quality writing!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Mar 24, 2010 - 01:23am PT
Odd, Cilley?
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Oct 14, 2011 - 12:37am PT
L bump.

Best ever story on ST?
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Oct 14, 2011 - 12:38am PT
I liked it!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Oct 14, 2011 - 12:45am PT
I may be too close to remain unbiased, but it's about my favorite....
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Oct 14, 2011 - 02:50am PT
Ha. Glad I got some interest going in this again, even if I had to chastise Lois to do it. This really is one of the best stories ever told in this stupid little sandbox.

Anybody know how L is doing? I sure miss her.
Trusty Rusty

Social climber
Tahoe area
Oct 14, 2011 - 12:48pm PT
A bravo bump! Awesome post!
scuffy b

climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
Oct 14, 2011 - 02:44pm PT
What a day that was!!

Puffy
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Oct 14, 2011 - 08:44pm PT
We would surely welcome the return of our favorite story teller, the
Divine Ms. L. . . .


Jaybro, how do you keep them pants so white????
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Dec 21, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
Wyde wednesday style bump
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Dec 21, 2011 - 11:43pm PT
Ah, yes. One of the finest TRs ever posted on this stupid forum.
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Nov 5, 2012 - 11:59pm PT
bump bump!
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Nov 6, 2012 - 10:32am PT
Keep Suportopo naughty!

Bump for Edzilla
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Nov 6, 2012 - 10:53am PT
Shakin' in my white vinyl gogo boots, style bump!
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
Nov 6, 2012 - 12:32pm PT
Priscilla bumps Edzilla!
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Nov 6, 2012 - 09:54pm PT

Come back L!!!!

(more funny stories, please)!!!!!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Nov 6, 2012 - 10:38pm PT
Yeah, come on back home L, we miss you!
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 6, 2012 - 10:41pm PT
L!!!

Sigh!


My ST adventure-story buddy.

What are you up to?
gonzo chemist

climber
Fort Collins, CO
Nov 7, 2012 - 01:56am PT
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly is a fun climb! I love how the OW crux is really centered around moving about 6 inches, in just one really awkward spot.

I've climbed it three times I think, and it never got any smoother.

Captain...or Skully

climber
Nov 7, 2012 - 02:28am PT
Yay! EdZilla made it back to page 1.

I dunno how to find stuff in the Great Morass.
Cheers!
east side underground

climber
Hilton crk,ca
Nov 7, 2012 - 10:19am PT
bump-a-thon
L

climber
California dreaming' on the farside of the world..
Topic Author's Reply - Nov 7, 2012 - 12:22pm PT
Power's been out for 10 days now...and here I sit in a cozy cafe that didn't lose it's electricity to a fallen oak, dreaming' of quartz-monzonite and Joshua trees. Re-reading Edzilla had me LOL and all the espresso sippers who came here to warm up (like me), are staring at me enviously. Laughing in the midst of a national disaster...how dare I?

Man, I've missed this place and all of you guys! Looking forward to reconnecting once conEdison gets its act together.

BTW Climbed in The Gunks first time ever 2 weeks ago. OMG...the rumors are true...FABULOUS rock!!!
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Nov 7, 2012 - 01:58pm PT

Talk about a day after election gift!!!

Laura's back!

YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Nov 7, 2012 - 02:07pm PT
Welcome back Laura.

You moved to the East Coast? Felt New Jersey calling?
scuffy b

climber
heading slowly NNW
Nov 7, 2012 - 04:16pm PT
I don't know how many times I've read this by now.
I still think it's hilarious.
Sierra Ledge Rat

Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
Nov 7, 2012 - 07:28pm PT
That chick has HUGE.....




......cams.
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Nov 8, 2012 - 12:08am PT
What's up L???

Hope all is going well for you, with your current NorEaster!
Daphne

Trad climber
Black Rock City
Nov 8, 2012 - 12:38am PT
Laura!!!! Yay!!! I'm so stoked to hear you are here again. <3
Phantom X

Trad climber
Honeycomb Hideout
Nov 8, 2012 - 11:59am PT
I can't believe I read the whole thing.
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Nov 8, 2012 - 12:09pm PT
East coast hunh?

Climbing weather is perfect in Moab now, and it's disaster free!

Well except for minor soap operas here and there.......
10b4me

Ice climber
Bishop/Flagstaff
Oct 7, 2013 - 06:44pm PT
how in the hell did I miss this?
funnier than shyte.
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Oct 7, 2013 - 06:57pm PT

Bump!
MisterE

climber
Oct 7, 2013 - 07:40pm PT
How did I miss this?

There are at least two of my pictures ripped off for that report!

LOL.
L

climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 7, 2013 - 08:14pm PT
Dang Erik--did I not credit you for those??? What a dirtbag! Sorry!

Edit: I did credit you in the disclaimer! Of course, I used your other name, just like everyone else...;-)
RyanD

climber
Squamish
Oct 7, 2013 - 08:14pm PT
HA!!



MisterE

climber
Oct 7, 2013 - 10:36pm PT
Too funny, I never read the small print apparently - LOL.

Didn't you hear I sold the gold for charity...

MisterT - fool!

;)
Fritz

Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
Oct 7, 2013 - 11:16pm PT
Ah!!!! L bump.

Best ever story on ST?


More stories please!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Jun 26, 2014 - 05:43pm PT
Rockkarazti style bump...
SteveW

Trad climber
The state of confusion
Jun 26, 2014 - 06:40pm PT

Yeah, where is Lzilla?????
7SacredPools

Trad climber
Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 - 06:58pm PT
That was terrific! :)
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Apr 13, 2015 - 09:29am PT
Not officially a trip report, but I'm bumping it anyway!
L

climber
California dreamin' on the farside of the world..
Topic Author's Reply - Apr 13, 2015 - 09:35am PT
Lol Jay!

You just wanna see that pink hairdo again... :-)
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Apr 13, 2015 - 09:48am PT
Indeed!
scuffy b

climber
heading slowly NNW
Apr 13, 2015 - 03:57pm PT
Still the BEST!!!!
SC seagoat

Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
Apr 21, 2015 - 08:48pm PT
What rock did I slither under to have missed this all these years???
Thanks Ed for turning over that rock.
An evening glass of wine sprayed all over my handheld device.

Thanks L...but now you owe me a glass of wine!


Susan
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Apr 25, 2015 - 05:53am PT
Recent Edzilla sighting!

Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
May 27, 2017 - 08:18pm PT
Time to bump one of the greatest stories ever told on ST
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
May 27, 2017 - 08:41pm PT
Indeed!

A great insider look into what really goes on, on ST!
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
May 27, 2017 - 08:54pm PT
What happens in the desert doesn't always stay in the desert...

Though sometimes it moves to other deserts
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
May 28, 2017 - 09:36am PT
it's a desert, because it's a desert...

[Click to View YouTube Video]
Ed Hartouni

Trad climber
Livermore, CA
Jul 21, 2018 - 07:24pm PT
best of the best bump
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Jul 21, 2018 - 07:25pm PT
best of the best bump

Indeed, one of the great ones!
L

climber
Just livin' the dream
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2018 - 04:55pm PT
Edzilla Sighting!!!!

I'm puttin' on Hello Dolly and readin' this thing just one more time.......
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
Jul 22, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
L!!! Purr-purr!

Still the best ever kinky climbing adventure on ST!
Ghost

climber
A long way from where I started
Jul 22, 2018 - 05:30pm PT
Hi Laura.

I think (I hope) my Fantastic Red Underwear thread might have helped inspire you to write and post your adventure with Edzilla and crew, which, in turn, inspired me to post the "Climbers save their country" story.

So, to honor Edzilla's attempt to Make Supertopo Great Again, I think I'll bump both of them.
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
Jul 23, 2018 - 05:37am PT
L, you should come to the Vedauwoo Sushifest aug 10/11 for further Raw material and inspiration!
L

climber
Just livin' the dream
Topic Author's Reply - Jul 23, 2018 - 08:35am PT
^^^^^Ah Jay, I wish I could swing it--I know it's gonna be a frickin' blast.

But I'm up in Tuolumne the whole next week and my schedule prior to that is crazy full.

Hope to see a good-n-bloody trip report from you gents!!!!


PS. Yes Ghost, your flaming red longjohns thread was an inspiration to be sure! ;-))
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
May 29, 2019 - 08:56pm PT
Bump for a classic , here in the end of day...

Anyway to get the photos back?
neebee

Social climber
calif/texas
May 29, 2019 - 09:51pm PT
hey there, say, ...thanks for the bump...

this was neat to see!!! tonight!!
L

climber
Just livin' the dream
Topic Author's Reply - May 30, 2019 - 09:27am PT
Anyway to get the photos back?

Sorry Jay, we can only get the photos back if someone like Tarbuster saved the whole darn thing. I didn't....sadly.
Lynne Leichtfuss

Sport climber
moving thru
May 30, 2019 - 10:08am PT
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!L is Back!
L

climber
Just livin' the dream
Topic Author's Reply - May 30, 2019 - 10:58am PT
Lynne, you crack me up.
You're such a happy soul! :-)
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