Sobriety (off topic or not)?


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Trad climber
So Cal urban sprawl Hell
Feb 15, 2015 - 02:43pm PT
Feeling really down and just want to "escape", and not through alcohol other means. Yesterday was good but today I seem to not get that damn breakup behind me. Lonely and feeling hopeless, these happening on more days than not.
Hell I do everything people say to do and it just isn't working; I volunteer, workout, go to therapy but still in the sh#t can.
I want to get out of my house, go out to JT but still not sure If I can climb due to my foot issues. Am able to ride my bike and religiously doing so. Hope that venting here some of you guy/women can offer some insight. I don't think I am an addict, have no desire to drink, like I said above other means that I rarely indulge in-too afraid I might end up having to use on a regular basis.
Frankly, just want to sleep and not wake up.

Trad climber
Feb 15, 2015 - 02:45pm PT
There's more to do in JT than just climb Karen. Come on out and I'll hang with you and hike as you can do.

Feb 15, 2015 - 02:48pm PT
Frankly, just want to sleep and not wake up.


Karen. . . dood. . . looks like you're gonna go to JTree.


A N D .. .. .. please don't go to sleep and not wake up!


Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
Feb 24, 2015 - 05:14pm PT
the delusions have peaked.
the little lies,
they become truth.

psychological grip begins to slip.
the enjoyable mind circus
that usually stars coors is bankrupt.

i have begun to justify unreasonable risk,
on the rock and beyond.

i'm getting a c-.
barely passing each day.

now i love the brink;
peeking over into irreversible suffering,
only to reel back and laugh.

though the void down there begins to tug harder.
and each time i journey into,
a little bit less of me returns.

so a change is due,
actually way over due.

no harm has become of my ill habit;
at least not any tangible harm.

i probably could have been a better dad
the past few years,
but that will always be the case.

i still can love.
i almost lost that.
it was then i knew i had to stop.

there will be a time,
down many roads from here,
where i chip away at
my wayward destiny again.

i will unravel my vitality
and use the broken pieces
to build a throne;
it'll be a beautiful throne,
but i'll never sit in it.
i'll die next to it.

on the floor
like a little angel that don't want
to hover no more;

here's to day one.
of anyone's hell and mine, too.
T Hocking

Trad climber
Redding, Ca
Feb 24, 2015 - 05:22pm PT
good luck dude,
you got this!

Social climber
santa rosa
Feb 24, 2015 - 05:31pm PT
crazy how feb 15 got a lot of posts on this - it was a bad day for me, drunkenmaster. i never read this thread as i never had a big drinking problem until recently when the drinks got a bit too many too often. im taking a long needed break. i may even need to change my name now maybe :) im thinking stonedmaster might be more appropriate. thank god for positive threads at our st campfire. good on ya hankster. cheers without the beers ya'll!!

peace and love and respect.

The Hot Kiss On the End of a Wet Fist
Feb 24, 2015 - 06:07pm PT
This thread needs a photo..
Credit: Walleye

Trad climber
Feb 24, 2015 - 06:48pm PT
7 months tomorrow.

I'm proof that any as#@&%e can make it this far at least.

More grateful every day.

Stick with it Norway man and masterdrunk.

Social climber
joshua tree
Feb 24, 2015 - 08:02pm PT

i dont want a drink
i think
did sombody say cheers
what am i celebrating
alls i recall
its been nearly 3 days
since i seen my doll
my 8yo olive
not even a fucing call
her mom won't let me have
what i so earnestly produced
goin on 6 yrs
as counted in earths orbits
6 minutes
by the hearts pump
to the pump
the pumpity pump pump
for if it wasn't for that hump
i prolly end up a grump
or a chump
but no
i have olive
tomorrow at 3
let me see
who shall i be
its up to me
what shall i be
for it is destiny
that i remember yesterday
do i
it's time to stop

now add a question mark to the end of every line


Social climber
flagstaff arizona
Feb 24, 2015 - 08:58pm PT

Social climber
joshua tree
Feb 24, 2015 - 09:27pm PT
my joker is gnome to
goin to mike's liquor
be back in too

Social climber
Elk Grove, California
Feb 24, 2015 - 09:37pm PT
Note to Norwegian and Self,

We cannot quantify suffering. But if you truly want to take a walk on the wild side I would entreat you experience a second deeper level of even more nearly complete and almost total incomprehensible demoralization such as I had experienced at about five years sober.

It's not for everyone and certainly I would have chosen an easier route during that phase of my life if it had not included the caveat of witnessing or being unable to witness my untimely demise.

My friend, if I may call you that for I believe we are both afflicted with the same illness, our troubles of course lie not in the long trail of empties that litter the landscape of despair but in the deeper morass of personality disorders and character defects the likes of which no normal person would be required to dredge up and hold to the light to try and make any sense out of.
These deeper flaws of course are not unique to us but somehow along the way we have chosen unconsciously to treat them with prolonged alcohol immersion therapy.

I speak to you about this here more in the hopes that I not forget but also that you might take heart in the fact that you are not alone in your journey and should you so chose to seek out this former drunk and recovering alcoholic not for solace but so that you would be willing to give sobriety a more fervent go.

My fifth year sober was my darkest hour and because I would have chosen to die before I took another drink of alcohol, facing my difficulties stone cold sober was just that; cold, like being alone in a tomb, and sobering in that only I could walk through the painfull and helpless feeling of fully realizing that I had absolutely no control over the people, places, and things in my life.

It has been dark and difficult to go through the low points in my life sober, even with AA, friends, sponsors, service, seemingly futile prayer, and trying like hell to get out of my own way and still I felt as lost and hopeless as when I first walked into my first AA meeting with a monumental hangover and the full realization that I had probably permanently screwed up my relationship with the most important people in my life because I could not stop drinking.

And Weedge I have to tell you as much because I have to remember, there was no going back. The long romance with alcohol was over. She was to me then as she is now, like a wicked voodoo sister on a dark windswept volcanic landscape, hollow, dry, and wholly without any scintilla of future hope for a life worth living.

I could tell you of the many wonderfull and unexpected things that have come to pass since I found sobriety my friend, but it means nothing if I don't tell you of the many dark hours, when the ugly sour horned horse of the loneliest brand of sobriety reared it's ugly head.

So if it's harsh, humbling, self immolation of the rawest variety your looking for, try staying sober for long enough to go through some real sh#t without beers or weed or hardly a leg to stand on, literally. It's what's for breakfast with any long term sobriety and I'm inviting you and egging you on to give it a shot. Come with me if you want to live.

Out of love and friendship I implore you,


Boulder climber
Feb 24, 2015 - 11:39pm PT
Good forum moderation right there.

Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
Feb 24, 2015 - 11:59pm PT
ask any old timer who relapsed, what did they learn?

they learned not to take that first drink, no matter what,

but how do you know if you are an alcoholic?

if you have ever woken up with a sunburn on the roof of your mouth,

if you have ever been arrested while in jail,

if you have woke up with a circus midget in your bed,

if you have been run over by your own car while driving it,

if you have ever danced the Tennessee Waltz while in a straight jacket,

then you might be an alcoholic,

what's the difference between an alcoholic and a non alcoholic?

alcoholics drink more,

why is it that non alcoholics don't become alcoholics?

lack of will power, stamina, concentration,

there is a gap of AA members in the 2 to 10 year range of sobriety,

maybe some of them are still sober but quit going to meetings,

probably most quit growing spiritually, when growth stops, recovery stops, you get into a rut and quit the program, so you have to keep working on it,

or else booze will come back and work on you,


Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
Feb 25, 2015 - 02:04am PT
right on.
a good lot, here.

thank you bushman for the encouragement and good sentiment;

your tale brings me to a painful self-inquiry:
do i really seek suffering?
as a state,
as i state?
or am i a f*#king coward
that chooses the easy path
and justifies it with stupid and shallow poetry?

and blue your share also strikes the treble cleft
of my sob song.

i'm done f*#king around.
every ass kicking i got, i deserve.
it's time to shine a little,
polish up the chrome and
knock some dents out.

and g, and sprock and treez and everyone else
here tellin' tale of our crooked trail,
these stories could be a ballet.

one of metamorphosis,
a heroic tragedy of superheroes stumbling along a
a symphonic march,

running with demons.

Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
Mar 3, 2015 - 04:44am PT
blowin' the lid off of wellness, over here.
doin alright.
a week out and i got a raise
and a new job assignment
(parking garage in sunnyvale)

no more tree work, for the time being.
my body is destroyed.

like a core-shot,
i'm pretty much just a sheath
of a man.

i do got verve spilling all over the place, though.
i'm even givin some to my neighbor.

tax man hit me a 12 grand bill,
i'm f*#ked financially.

physically i'm also f*#ked.
can't sleep fer shite.
my back is out, maybe broke.
my asse is purple, maybe broke.
i can't even push out a fart with severe grimacing.

my spirits sunk.
i ain't drinkin, though.

i gotta lean on the ol' engineering degree,
which i abhor to employ
because sitting in my chair all
day, indoors typing and staring down a screen
is absolutely deflating.

but the money is rolling in,
i got 12 grand to pay off.

all this is more easily swallowed
when my pipes they aint irrigating
adolf's piss.

i've learned that a man who hates life
is quite protected and resilient,
for though the shite around his ankles
keeps getting thicker and deeper,
his stride means nothing to him
so the cruel universe lacks
means at his dying soul.

Social climber
flagstaff arizona
Mar 3, 2015 - 09:37am PT
Oh, forgot to mention picked up a year a couple of weeks ago. Yay me!

Trad climber
Las Vegas, NV.
Mar 3, 2015 - 09:40am PT
Nice work Treez, keep it up!

BVB - super stoked for you man. That second year can be a bitch because your brain starts working again. Stay strong and talk if you need to, OK? Really proud of you.

Social climber
Elk Grove, California
Mar 3, 2015 - 10:25am PT

Best thing that happened to me for long-term sobriety was after about a year or two I volunteered to do H&I meetings through AA once a month (hospitals and institutions). I did those meetings off and on for about eight years until it felt like I was doing time with the inmates and then I stopped. I spent a lot of years drinking and trying to stay out of those places so it was one of the most frightening obstacles in my sobriety. If you're fortunate and don't have a big rap sheet getting cleared to attend meetings in institutions is not a hard thing. The hard part is voluntarily going through the security checks and locked gates into the heart of a prison where you feel somewhat vulnerable. Until you realize how lucky you are that with each and every visit you get to go home to a life free of the misery and insanity of incarceration. It's not as hard to want to stay sober at any cost after that.

I'll never forget it and the memory has served to help me stay sober for many years.

Trad climber
Mar 3, 2015 - 12:39pm PT
Congratulations on your year, BVB!!!

Norwegian - Don't know what to say, as in the past you've made poetry that seems heartfelt and then you say it's all made up. AsGomer Pyle once said, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Wish you the best, no matter

I still consider myself an AA'er, but rarely go to meetings. I do have some guilt about not being there for the newcomer, but I do feel I act the Twelfth Step, being here for those reaching out for help, in real life(and even here on ST!). I fell off the "regular-meetin' goin'" when I got a dog walk client that conflicted with my meeting times, almost all of which were at 7pm. The walk was 30m at 7, which gave me just enough time to miss the speaker and announcements at meetings and get there for the whining...errr, I mean sharing.

Still carry the last Anniversary Coin I received in my wallet- it is IX, so that does make me one of those in the Two to Ten Years MIA. The good news is that I have stayed sober(and drug free) since, and I am at 18.5 years now. Holy cow - that seems unreal at times. I am grateful. I cannot imagine how bad it would be if I hadn't gotten sober, but I am pretty sure it would be quite unattractive.

People say that if you slip, you pick up right where you left off, as if you never had a day sober. I've heard a few who got resober say that wasn't the case for them, but it is one experience I hope I never have to encounter. I don't mind the uncertainty of knowing if I would immediately go back to being a blackout drinker with a big mouth, drinking home alone, talking to nobody but myself, or if I could be sociable in public and stop before the third drink, at least for a while.... Some questions are better left unanswered!
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