i can wonder.
if sobriety is a destination,
or is it merely a fleeting domain
within an alcoholic's boundless and beautiful journey?
i am not to suggest that the sober few
among us will relapse,
but instead i inquire if their arrival
at the edge of the cup is an achievement
upon which he/she can idle?
or is it that the scuttling feet have
temporarily landed dry suitors
a peaceful regard that will surely be soon sedated?
I made it through Teddy's death without picking up.
On about the third day, in desolation, a voice inside said "What in the hell - who CARES anymore. Maybe if I start drinking again, at least I will get invited to the weekend drinking parties around here and won't be alone. What DIFFERENCE does it make if I end up a drunken sot for the balance of my life?"
Luckily, I was at home, a good 2 miles away from the nearest drink(at the Brauhaus) and it didn't occur to me that I was only 2 miles away from a drink.
I succumbed to the sad, give-it-up feeling for just a few seconds before that same voice inside said "Well, you know damned well that you wouldn't feel any better if you were invited to each and every one of those parties. And you know damned well that a drunk life is going to end badly. At least you have a chance, if you don't drink."
And that was the end of that close enough call.
Still very sad about Teddy, of course. He was my constant companion for 13 years and more like a human best friend than a loyal dog. On the same night I had that "pour me" thinking, I woke up in the middle of the night to the thought of Teddy, tapping me on the shoulder(sort of) and excitedly telling me "next time, I'm going to be a BIG dog!"
Randisi, meetings help those of us who are constitionally incapable of living a sober life ourselves. Quitting the drink/drug in often the easiest part. Staying off a dry drunk is where the meetings come in. If you can stay free of resentments/judgements, and are joyous and free on your own, great. The rest of us need help, and enjoy the fellowship as well.
Bob, know that we're all proiud of you. Another bender can be disasterous.
Randisi's method is mine, essentially. But any path in the right direction is the correct one, and it takes diff'rent strokes for us very diff'rent folks.
I am lucky to have the example of my multi-decade sober parents. They don't go to meetings. I doubt they know the day of their sobriety's beginnings. They just drink iced tea and don't drink alcohol. Their example lets me know what I'm capable.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not going to meetings of some sort. If I didn't have stories and examples like I see here, I'd probably need to go just to see that the fantasies of beer guzzlin' freedom, bikini-clad women interested in drunken sots, and relief from the drudgery of life we are told are all ours in the media outlets are NOT the true to life reality. Of course, my nursing career also offers me the example of seeing daily the final product of a drunken lifestyle.
And it is not pretty. You will only find respite in your final shove off into fantasy land and away from the reality the rest of us all share. You won't mind then that your family is done with you, that you just sh#t yourself, and that you are tied to a bed because you keep taking out life supporting tubes. Ah, yes, that is true beer guzzlin' freedom. Shoot THAT in HD and advertise it!
These last few months have been on and off for me. I have been bored, etc, blah blah reason. Now that I'm finding I have other goals and an actual desire to live, drinking seems so trivial to that andtoday at least, I'm not drinking. I like coming here to this thread. I have never liked meetings though, even when I had a few years before and was involved more. I'm sure I'll be making my way there shortly since I can't find much clarity at the beer store. I never thought I'd choose sobriety vs being compelled by no-other-choice disaster mode. My life is actually pretty good. This can only bring me closer to who I want to be.
Sometimes, especially at the beginning, it is one hour, even a one minute at a time journey.
Progress NOT Perfection.
11 Meetings in 3 days.... my first year I was doing 5-6 meetings a day. That is how bad this drunk was.
Ya gotta do what ya gotta do to fight the battle. That battle will end the day you finally die. The ultimate goal is to die, sober. Regardless the shetstorms that are whirling around you.
"My serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance".
13 years, 3 months, 13 days and 18 hours.
Only by the Grace of God and AA.
Sobriety for me is just like the IOM TT, you gotta stay 110% focused from start to finish.
If I put a fraction of the energy into staying sober that I did getting and staying loaded...
I highly suggest that you best put ten times the energy staying sober as you did getting loaded. That is of course if you want to stay there. Sober that is.
Happie, sorry about your pooch and good job staying sober through it. As we all know drinking just makes the pain worse.. I know your BD is coming up real soon and it would suck to have to start all over...
I know how you feel about the critter. Lost a cat once to a fast moveing car. Held the dead cat in my arms and paced arround the house crying for about 8 hrs untill it got light out and the cat was cold and stiff with riamortis. My GF finally told me that it was time to put the kitty down so I dug a hole in his favorite sunny spot in the yard and burried him with a can of tuna and a squirle that he had just killed....... so sad. At least Teddy lived a full life and we all have to complete that cycle of life and death.... Stay strong!
OH MY GOD! I totally forgot....My sober anniversary is TOMORROW, August 26th.
Ho man....thanks for reminding me. Wouldn't it have been terrible to completely have forgotten? I can't believe I WOULD have, had it not been for your post. So....today is the 17th anniversary of my last hangover, and tomorrow is 17 years from first day sober.
Thank you for the condolences for Teddy. I put a dog biscuit on the stone at his grave's head, and the next morning it was gone. Maybe there's something about the Chinese tradition of leaving food offerings.... Or maybe a squirrel got it. Either way, it was nice to go visit and have it gone.
It works for a while, then I get a weekend and I'm all 'Well, I'm going to the liquor store.'
Addiction is a cruel thing. Maybe some of you will say that I should just man up and send it. Well, it's not as easy as that. I hate it, yet I support it.
One of these days I'm going to make it work. I promise.
Props to those of you who have defeated the beast, my battle continues.
One of these days I'm going to make it work. I promise.
Ahhhh, You don't "MAKE IT" work.
You must surrender and let it ALL work you.
Understanding then accepting that most important concept is the key to this gig.
My first year I spent over 75% of my day at meetings or at the Alano Club in the Santa Barbara area. That is where I got this deal.
I will never forget hearing a "Speaker" who had well over 35 years sober say the following (paraphrased)...
"I hear everyone say that they need to work the program. Well, fact is, we can't work shet. That is why we are where we all are right now in this room tonight. What we must do is surrender to the Program and then allow it to work us. Daily. We then need to commit ourselves to allowing that to happen daily, for the rest of our lives if we want to remain sober. We do that every morning when we awake. We get outta of our beds and drop straight to our knees and ask our Higher Power to give us the strength and wisdom to allow the Steps to work in our life throughout the day guiding and directing us to do the next right indicated thing. Then do so.
That's how this gig works."
Since hearing and then applying that to my day, first thing every morning, I have been blessed to be sober for over 13 years. All just a bunch of "One Day at Times" added up.
Props to those of you who have defeated the beast.
Oh, you NEVER defeat it. You just get a daily reprieve if you do what your "directed" to do by the Program and your Sponsor, today. Cus that is all you and I have.
I could not have done it without meetings and a great loving sponsor.It's not about toughing it out.Belief in a higher power(whatever that means to you), has made all the difference to me.
Let us know!