The difference between Democrats and Republicans?

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Big Wall climber

Phoenix, AZ

Topic Author's Original Post - Oct 10, 2005 - 11:15am PT

WARNING The following is a joke and the comments make broad, sweeping generializations. It is intended to be satire, and not meant to be taken seriously. I don't want any pissed off Democrat chasing me down with his sling-sho...errrrr, Smith & Wesson to show me just how un-reluctant he is to use a fire arm.**

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Shack

Big Wall climber

So. Cal.

Oct 10, 2005 - 11:35am PT

Classic Ed!

WBraun

climber

Oct 10, 2005 - 11:46am PT

And stupid .......

WoodyS

Trad climber

Riverside

Oct 10, 2005 - 12:29pm PT

I would like to think I was a good enough shot--and I am--to wound him just enough to disable. Then, I would take out my Swiss army Knife, flip him over and try the old Yaqui(sp) approach to people they intensely disliked by slicing along his ribs and slowly wrenching them out. While doing this, I would be whispering in his ear over and over," Mohammed's mother was a pig and his old man was a dog."

climber

NOT Fresno

Oct 10, 2005 - 12:29pm PT

That exact thing happened to me coming out of Staples the other day.

James

Social climber

My Subconcious

Oct 10, 2005 - 12:46pm PT

The difference between democrats and republicans is that republican is spelled "R" "E" "P" "U" "B" "L" "I" "C" "A" "N" and democrat is spelled "D" "E" "M" "O" "C" "R" "A" "T" "S"...I hope that is the right answer.

the Fet

Trad climber

Loomis, CA

Oct 10, 2005 - 12:47pm PT

more stereotype humor

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Then he goes the nearest gas station, blows away the unrelated mid-eastern owner, fills up his giant SUV's tank, and says "Mission Accomplished."

Q: What does the Southern Republican woman later say after having sex?

A: Get off me daddy, you're crushing my smokes!

Karl Baba

Trad climber

Yosemite, Ca

Oct 10, 2005 - 01:06pm PT

I like Laura Bush's joke that George's answer to all problems at the ranch, ALL problems, was cut it down with a chain saw.

Lately I've realized she wasn't kidding. Reform proposed after Katrina: Let the Army police there. Reform proposed in advance to bird flu, Let Army enforce quaranteen

Peace

Karl

Loom

climber

167 stinking feet above seal level : (

Oct 10, 2005 - 01:29pm PT

Democrat -- equivocate.

Republican -- react without any thought.

Southern Republican -- React with gleeful abandon that you can finally fulfill your juvenile fantasy of filling someone with lead legally.

NeoCon -- Wing the terrorist, let him go, then use the specter of his return as an excuse to throw your family in debt, limit your family's freedom, and invade the homes of your islamic neighbors.

Karl Baba

Trad climber

Yosemite, Ca

Oct 10, 2005 - 01:50pm PT

Fatty

Bush wants to change the rules. He can already use the military in disasters if really needed. He wants to repeal that act that sounds like a sex crime, what's it called, where you can't use the Army for Armed law enforcement work against their own people?

anyway, it seems the military itself in general is not hot on the idea

peace

Karl

Ouch!

climber

Oct 10, 2005 - 02:04pm PT

Ouch!

climber

Oct 10, 2005 - 02:10pm PT

The southern redneck wouldn't even see the dude. He would be too busy busting a move on his cousin.

426

Sport climber

Wartburg, TN

Oct 10, 2005 - 02:24pm PT

Loom: NeoCon -- Wing the terrorist, let him go, then use the specter of his return as an excuse to throw your family in debt, limit your family's freedom, and invade the homes of your islamic neighbors.

You sound like "HooterVillian"..(?)

Plenty of "Yeller Dawg" Dems would do the same as their (R) brethren; let's just lump 'em all together.

FT: Liberal media, you mean the one that had Gannon/Guckert lobbing softball "gimmes" to Bush?

Jaybro

Social climber

The West

Oct 10, 2005 - 02:38pm PT

Fattrad
You gotta fill me in on this Liberal media thing. Where I live we don't get air america™, just cnn, fox and the networks. Also, if we pay extra, hearst newspapers.
Who is it exactly?
Wot's it laik?
Just f*#king wit(tvyordisnak) yeu ;-)

the Fet

Trad climber

Loomis, CA

Oct 10, 2005 - 02:47pm PT

Come on, no serious discussions in this thread. :-)

equal opportunity humor

Democrats versus Republicans
1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

Ouch!

climber

Oct 10, 2005 - 03:02pm PT

Gary

climber

Desolation Basin, Calif.

Oct 10, 2005 - 03:20pm PT

426, I think Bush and Gannon were playing hardball. As some Usenet sage once said: "Bush has stopped more balls than Cal Ripken."

There are two kinds of Republicans: millionaires and fools.

426

Sport climber

Wartburg, TN

Oct 10, 2005 - 03:30pm PT

Gary:

Heh, that's what I thought about those "odd" mtn. bike accidents; I usually get my knees/elbows hacked up, jack my shins on the big ring, etc.

But looking like I got "punched out"? It looked like Bush (IMO) was in a UFC cage match during "Gucker-gate"...

Gary

climber

Desolation Basin, Calif.

Oct 10, 2005 - 04:33pm PT

Do you really think he was wrestling with a PRETZEL?

the Fet

Trad climber

Loomis, CA

Oct 10, 2005 - 05:25pm PT

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. When a concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president."